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Crumpets and Bollocks: April 2013

Crumpets and Bollocks

Crumpets and Bollocks: April 2013

Monday, April 29, 2013

Give me some of that Gangsta Shit! Beeyotch!

The Klonopin Chronicles makes this status on her Facebook today...


Today's Fun: Use gangsta slang whenever possible because nothing's funnier than to hear a middle-aged white lady in a suit say "fat stacks."

Some of the responses include:


I Want a Dumpster Baby: damn. that's a cold ass honky.


DJ Bray: And thug life! Don't forget thug life!
KC Response: Love thug life! Totes when I'm turning left across a double yellow line.


John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt (Triple J): fat stacks? Betta keep those duckies downtown for somebody ganks em'


Lisa Who?: When we drive " uh oh its 5-0" really mom? What are you " ridin dirty" lmao maybe i am kid maybe i am


Pimp of the Year Award: I enjoy the word chillax. The kids have informed me that I should not include it in my vocabulare.


Ole Mama Hubbard: WORD from ya mutha is poignant and annoying to them. SCORE!



There's more awesomeness in the shit, fo shizzle, like click the link and shit, after you read my shit, cause I sound like Juvenile, shit, thats how rappers rhyme sometimes shit....

Anyway, I like rap music and hip hop, mainly because I like shaking my booty. I used to have like a career and be professional and work and stuff before being a lazy stay at home mom who obviously does nothing like the cleaning fairy does it all, and the diaper fairy, and the cooking fairy... Anyway, I always got strange looks driving down the street with my nerd glasses on, hair in a bun, wearing a blazer and white shirt, looking all professional and shit, did I mention I'm white?, blasting Nas and Tupac like a G. 

One time, I was driving and listening to this song by Bone Thugs and Harmony... Down 71 (The Getaway)



And, I approached this strange narrow one way street downtown to a stop sign, a couple cars in front of me, and my window was down all the way, and I wasn't even thinking about the music. I look to my left seeing a bunch of government cars, near the police station and courts, and a dude was walking to one of those cars in civilian clothes, but armed with something job related, and as the song hit at 2-38 (2 minutes 38 seconds into the song), he flipped out... took cover behind his car door, started to draw his weapon, saw me watching in my car with the "oh fuck" look on my face and realized it was my music, and he started laughing hysterically. He shook his head laughing the whole way into his car and was still laughing when I finally got to drive off. 

So anyway, I was basically a g-funk in high school. Some people call that whiggerism, but I prefer the term Cracka-lottin... So here are some of my gangsta euphemisms, in the vernacular of my people, gangbangin jargon... the shit I still say once in a while now that I'm an OG (another word for old person or as most people say, an original gansta, old person) and grew up and shit, pullin a Michael Jackson (changing from black to white) on my personality... 

Aw Heelll No... Still flies out of my mouth. Sometimes I add, "Bitch hold my purse," when I really am about to scrap, though I haven't been in a fight since like 2003. Now in like 2008, a bitch did threaten to stab me with her fork with this crazy look in her eye with zero provocation except her man checking me out, who I've known longer than she has, like he was my homeboy, and I know his history with hos and I ain't no ho to go there anyway, but she backed down when I stood up and dared her try. But that was a "bitch hold my purse" moment. Who the fuck uses a fork as a shank? Prisoners... Really fucked up prisoners. I'm glad she backed down though. I probably would have hurt her bad back then, like I was still in shape from the military, but now, she'd kick my ass. If I kicked her ass back then, she'd see me on the streets today and retaliate. She that crazy.

Let my nuts go... I scream this to my kids. It's another of saying, Let me Live. Give me some space. Let me breathe. Let me do my thing... I know, mother of the year right? If you want to know the song I ganked (stole) it from, here it is...


Represent... or reppin the hillbillies... I'm not from the city. If I tried to be like, "Reppin the east side..." fuck that would be fake. Nah, I keep it real. I'm reppin the rednecks of the mountain mamas, reppin God's Country... Streets here are dangerous, gotta watch out for raccoons and opossums, dem fuckers don't fuck around...

Shit is On Like Donkey Kong: I usually use this one when I'm at war. I wouldn't say it before a fight, but I will say it when my cable company is an ass right before I file paperwork with the Attorney General. Shit is on bitches. It's on. Game face. Get my Mind Right, money right, ready for war...


Shit is tight yo... That's me being silly and totally trying to be white...

Bitches be trippin... That's like for when bitches be trippin. Like acting crazy and shit, whether they are freaking out about their man cheatin like calling every 5 seconds, or whether they posse up and talk shit... 

You betta come correct... That's for when people fuck up their approach. On a page I admin, people get on there be like, "Fuck Obama, fucking racial slurr," when really all they gotta be like is, "Yo, I really don't agree with his take on gun control." Come correct and you don't get banned. 

You frontin: Meaning you are delusionally pretending to be the exact opposite of what you are. Example, "Don't judge me from my past. I'm a different person now. I'm clean now." Bitch, you just snorted a line last night, you frontin. Or, "i'm going to kick your ass," Bitch you ain't going to do shit stop frontin... 

Got the homegirl hookup: Meaning I went to the store and some girl was working who I have known for years, so she gives me the employee discount on my items, or a free soda... Drive thru Wendy's and I get 2 extra cheeseburgers... Got my hair did for half the price... or can you get me tickets to the football game and you get me the best seats in the house... 

Masta Playa: that's really just another word for triflin whore, but one with pride and a little more class.

My public service announcement to gangsta's:

To people in the game: Pharmaceuticals is dope yo. Go legit with some fat stacks. You get a company ride and free samples. 5.0 neva know what hit em when you go legit. To those who'd empty a clip on a fool, the badasses, the ones you just don't fuck with... Join the Marine Corps. You ain't no killa until you Devil Dog. Semper Fi really is another way of saying Ride or Die. Marines are the illest G's we got. Rise above the ghetto!


If you ain't part of my clique, then you best


Be Easy... Holla

(warm regards... TTYL-talk to you later)

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Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Mommy's Cup of Sanity

Mommy's Cup of SanitySo I made up a recipe for Circle of Moms because I liked the assignment. They asked to create and upload an original recipe that described your blog. I knew it had to have coffee and booze in it. Chocolate. Cake batter because I like to eat cake batter like it's pudding. Diet Coke and Michael Jackson. Lots of nonsense that in the end makes sense or awesome. Humor. Cheesecake because Golden Girls, and you know, this was definitely worth posting my super secret awesome Bavarian Cream Cheesecake Recipe I got from a dream. Like what better way to introduce the world to that? I'm really amazed nobody has come up with it already.

So I created Mommy's Cup of Sanity. 




Well, it made a Cookbook thing. Unfortunately, I didn't notice the email until the day after it was featured, but anywho... It was featured because it's awesome, or because they ran out of options for features.... Maybe they were drinking the rum the recipe calls for the day they featured it. That COULD happen you know. People do stuff like that all the time, drink booze and make decisions they later regretted... If that's the case, my recipe could have also inspired girl on girl action, office strip teases, and other amazing things.

From the link... (where I entered this recipe)...

Chocolate Cake doused in spiced rum and coffee topped with Bavarian Cream Cheesecake. The Bavarian Cream Cheesecake filling/frosting was a recipe I got from a very nice and humble Italian couple who owned a bakery in the 1700s maybe, if you believe in past lives. If not, it came from imaginary friends. I had this recurring dream about an Italian Bakery, and I got to a point where I started craving whatever they used in the cream fillings and frostings, but I couldn't find anything like it in real life. Finally, one dream, during PMS, I asked them for the recipe, and they gave it to me. Genius. Sheer genius. Bavarian Cream Cheesecake. It's more brilliant than Ben Franklin. If you are allergic to nuts, the only nut in this recipe is the blogger who wrote it.

Ingredients

  • 1 Box of Devil's Food Chocolate Cake mix plus ingredients required to mix it according to package instructions
  • A shot of Spiced Rum (it's okay to think about Johnny Depp right now)
  • Two shots of the wake me up so I can get through my day medicine (coffee, brewed)
  • 6 to 8 Bavarian Cream Long Johns (or 1/2 cup of Bavarian Cream)
  • 4 oz of Mascarpone Cheese
  • 1/2 cup Powdered Sugar (Confectioner's or Icing sugar)
  • Tub of your child's favorite Frosting for Chocolate Cake
  • Optional Ingredients:
  • Pirouline Cookie
  • Cinnamon
  • Cocoa
  • Diet Coke (to hydrate while you bake, it's hard work like that)
  • Michael Jackson's Thriller Album (background music)
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(Rated by 0 moms)
PREP TIME5 MinREADY IN35 Min
COOK TIME30 MinSERVINGS2
MEAL/COURSE Dessert
TYPE OF DISH Cakes and Cookies
SEASON/OCCASION Mother's Day
COOKING METHOD Oven
DIETARY NOTES Comfort Food




















Preparation

  1. Mix the chocolate cake as directed and bake in two 8 inch round pans.
  2. While baking, first take a moment to lick the bowl
  3. Hand wash said bowl.
  4. If you got donuts, slice them in half and spoon out 1/2 cup's worth of Bavarian Cream into clean bowl. (seriously, what's the difference between this and peeling apples?); otherwise, place 1/2 cup of Bavarian Cream into the bowl.
  5. Check on your kids if you have them.
  6. Add 4 oz of Mascarpone Cheese and the 1/2 cup of powdered sugar to the bowl and mix.
  7. Taste the epic flavor of the Bavarian Cream Cheesecake Frosting (if you lick the spoon and keep using it, that's adding the ingredient of love, and some germs, but it's for yourself so go for it)
  8. Dance to your background music while cleaning up odd ends of the kitchen, check your laundry, watch some Lifetime, whatever until your chocolate cake is done and cooled.
  9. Grab two coffee cups. Cut up chunks of one of the 8 inch cakes and put the chunks into your coffee cups filling your cups up to about 1/2 to 3/4 of the way up. Give the rest to the kids including the spouse like samples. Don't forget to mention that you really needed those even though you didn't.
  10. Drop a shot of the coffee and half a shot of the rum on top of the cake in the first mug, and repeat with the second mug.
  11. Take a shot of rum if you are allowed, and maybe drop it like it's hot and flash your husband because woo hoo rum.
  12. Spoon half the frosting on one mug, and repeat for the other.
  13. Sprinkle cocoa and cinnamon on top of the mugs and add a Pirouline cookie if you wish.
  14. Grab the other 8 inch cake. Cover with the frosting tub you purchased for it for the kids including the spouse, or maybe give it to your neighbor, or eat it later... Just make sure to act like you made it specifically for the person you gave it to, as if you had no ulterior coffee rum Bavarian Cream awesome motive.
  15. Now enjoy your cup of sanity courtesy of Dribbles and Grits. Perfect for internet mommy blog reading, book reading, movie watching time out for moms.




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Thursday, April 18, 2013

What might actually be another psychic dream about the next Expendables...

So I had this dream I'm going to be in the next Expendables movie, and I'm driving in a car with Sylvester Stallone behind me in the back seat and Bruce Willis next to me in the Passenger seat. There were other people there but I don't know who they were.

I'm on the interstate driving, and everyone is asleep except Bruce who is totally hitting on me. This was the conversation...

Me: Dude, for real, I can't decide between you and Sylvester. You are supposed to let the internal passion stuff build as we flirt in acting and stuff for like days before actually releasing it into hot amazing sex. Duh.

Bruce: So are you really going to pick Sly over me?

Me: He was Rocky.

Bruce: So what? I was John McClane.

Me: Good point.

Bruce: You really need to think about what you could be missing out on. I am not as old looking as Sly. People would think we belong together.

Me: You know when I developed little crushes on you guys, I never thought I'd actually meet one of you let alone both of you at the same time. It's just not fair. Thank God John Cena and Channing Tatum aren't going to be in this film.

Bruce: Well John Cena actually already has a small part. We are thinking of adding Channing to the team this movie. He's still thinking about it.

Me: Really? Fuck me. You both might just lose me to Channing.

Bruce: That's so superficial of you. You have known him how long?

Me: Can I not just be a whore and hump all of you?

Bruce: No. You have to decide.

Me: Is this why celebrities always have fucked up relationships? Like Brad loves Angelina, but he also loves Jennifer...

Bruce: Exactly.

Me: If it weren't for the paparazzi, I could so totally get away with humping all you guys. Fecking Paparazzi could kill a wet dream...

Then I woke up.


If you haven't already read it... Roundhouse Bitch is a blog post of reasons Sylvester should choose me to be his love interest in the next Expendables.

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Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Everybody wants me to spank or starve my picky eater... Bastards.

Someone asked me a question on my Facebook page that I thought would make a good "question and answer advice-column-like" post for everyone to read because I'm sure advice columnists get this question a lot, even though most advice columnists focus on LOVE. This is kind of LOVE advice. This is more love than a man can give. It too spawned from a sexual relationship like marriage... Mother and child. That's true love. All relationship advice columnists should write about parenting for that reason. Of course it's not as easy. Why? Because, "He's treating you like shit. That's abuse. Just leave the bastard." works out well for advice about your husband, but not so much for advice about your son.

The Question. Dearest Dribbles and Grits Crazy Bitch who Licks the Walls: (she didn't say that part. I did. It's true. Well I don't lick the walls. The 3 year old does sometimes).

I saw your post about the child that is a picky eater, and I was wondering, how do you deal with them? My son who is 7 is a very picky eater as in there are only certain things he will eat, and if he says he doesn't like what you give him, you can hang up him eating it. He is very particular about how food smells and what it looks like, so if he thinks it bad, he won't touch it. I have had people ( mostly family) tell me to spank him or send him to bed without eating and that when he gets hungry enough he will eat what I give him, but I can't bring myself to do that to him. I really need help...thank you

Discretionary Statement: Take my advice as it's relevant. If it's not relevant to your situation, don't follow it. You are not obligated to follow one bit of my advice.

Well, when I wrote the post in the question about my picky eaters, I had my nephew with me, and my 6 year old daughter is starting to develop her pickiness, and both are on the autism spectrum. Because they have heightened senses, they pick up textures, smells and tastes most people don't, so their dislike for anything is a much stronger dislike.  For instance, someone who doesn't really like the sight of seafood can usually get pass it to try it. Someone on the spectrum might actually vomit if they force themselves just like anyone would vomit trying to force themselves to eat dog poop or something. Some of it goes away with age just like every kid's fear to try new foods go away with age. Some of it doesn't, especially with autism.

There's more to the autism deal (like the brain getting stuck on an idea for dinner), but I don't know if that's relevant at all with your child. People often tell parents of kids on the spectrum to spank, give em a good whoopin that will solve it... BS. It doesn't work on autism. Honestly, most people who tell me that have assholes for kids so it obviously didn't work on their kids either. I personally would rather have a picky eater than some of the behaviors I see other kids possess. Denial is Bliss. So are Delusions of Grandeur.

My mother is the one raising my nephew right now. She does what I do... She just cooks based on what he wants to eat. If there's a larger audience eating her cooking, she makes a variety of things for dinner, like meat and 2 or 3 sides, so he can pick and choose what he wants and the other people eating her dinner can do the same (such as her husband who is like most husbands, another child). I have 3 kids, and they will argue about what to have for dinner, and sometimes I make 3 different things for them when it's stuff like hotdogs and frozen pizza and canned soup. When it comes to actually making food that takes some effort on my part, I keep back-ups of canned soups for the kid who doesn't want my dinner. Someday, I plan to stash a plate of leftovers and label it in the freezer for this (wax pencil is awesome for that kind of labeling if you can keep it away from children)

With my children, so far it's not that they don't like what I made for dinner (in most cases) as much as they are not in the mood for it. So yeah, they are spoiled to an extent, but I do the same thing. I don't eat something unless it's what I want to eat at that moment. The "do as I say and not as I do" rarely works on children on a long term scale unless they hate you enough to be the opposite of you. Last night, I made spaghetti for the kids and cheese fries for myself. My PMS needed Ranch Dressing if I had to drink it straight from the bottle.

The other thing my mother and I both do is the reward. Sometimes dessert is a reward. Eat 5 bites and you can have cake, or after dinner we can buy that movie off of the Xbox or go outside to play for a little bit (night time outside fun is fun, especially once the lightning bugs are out). This is a great concept for "Just try it, just one bite" and the reason...

They say with babies, you have to introduce a food so many times before a baby will eat it (I think 7 is supposed to be the magic number, but I think it depends on the person). I think kids and grown ups are grown up babies. We still operate with a lot of similarities as babies. Many of us sleep better with white noise like a fan blowing, just like babies. And with that said, sometimes we just have to be introduced to a food so many times before we will like it.

I also think it really helps to try different recipes with a food. If you can find one recipe your child likes with that food, he can build a tolerance. Much like wine. I started off with spritzers before I could fully enjoy a glass of wine. Example, for many years of my life, I refused salads. Then I had Olive Garden's Salad with the house dressing and the cheese. For many years, that was the only salad I would eat. Now I love salad, and it doesn't matter where it's from though I do often now crave Outback salad with that Mustard Vinaigrette dressing. Mmmm. My husband was the same way with spinach. He refused to try anything that had spinach in it, even in his 20's. I probably introduced spinach 5 or 6 times in a side dish before I finally got him to like it in a Spinach dip. Now he'll eat more recipes with spinach in it, and is willing to at least try plain spinach to see if he likes it (as everyone prepares that a little different).

Now when the pickiness is about an ingredient, you can find a substitute. Years ago, I hung out with an older woman because she was my boss and we were instant friends. Her youngest son was a couple years younger than me. He, even as an adult, hated onions. He refuses to eat anything with onion in it, even if you shaved an onion, he'd know and not eat it. We cooked with a lot of onion salt instead.

With children who have sensitive taste buds, like a lot of the children on the spectrum, including kids who are spectrumish, it helps to reduce the seasonings. My friend's kid, the one she spanks into submission and is the perfect kid and listens to her parents, she is a very picky eater. She refuses most carbs, and she doesn't like much seasoning. My friend is a horrible cook because of it, because she just makes it as plain as possible. Her daughter loves her cooking though, just because it's plain. I'm sure it tastes very different to her daughter than someone like me who killed my tastebuds with years and years of Diet Coke, cigarettes, coffee, hot sauce and booze. I mean, children have virgin tastebuds. Things that you find incredibly delicious might be more like dumping salt in your mouth to a kid.

Then of course, there is the lying/hiding with some ingredients. My other friend's kid who I consider a nephew hates "WHITE SAUCE". Again, this is another child who was spanked into perfection, and his mother told me many times how I need to beat my kids' ass... If I have mayo in something, I don't mention it. He actually loves a lot of white sauces, but he thinks he hates it. He'll watch me cook too, so I have to be super ninja with things like Mayo and Sour Cream.

Some of the food pickiness can be psychological beyond autism-like sensory issues. My daughter on the spectrum hates rice mainly because my mother-in-law came over for a week, cooks a lot of rice, and was a total bitch. My daughter loved rice up until that week. Right after the MIL left, my daughter has refused to eat rice since. Well, there's a recipe my grandmother had called Mardi Gras (my cousin calls it Tuna Mess). My daughter loves that recipe, and it has a lot of rice in it. So she is slowly getting back into the rice. She will also eat it with her China food because they eat rice in China. She loves Kai-Lan. If Kai-Lan's culture eats rice, she will eat THAT rice...

Be careful of health issues. A lot of times things like diabetes will affect a person's appetite. When in doubt, talk to a doctor and Google a little on the subject.

Nutrition varies depending on the source. The one I'm buying the most is a body builder friend. He's in great health and great shape. He only eats that which he can hunt or gather. Meat, vegetables, fruits, nuts (not balls, not crazy, but like almonds and peanuts). He avoids all starchy fibery things. I think a little fiber is good in your diet. I think diversity is good, but I think the main emphasis of the meals should be more meat and veggies and fruits and nuts than breads and oats and cereals... Again, it depends on the source.

I am, however, a firm believer that the body craves what it needs unless there's a health issue affecting that. We women experience this at pregnancy, and I think it's true for everyone of every age. Kids like sugar more than grown ups because kids are more active than grown ups. A lot of middle aged women crave dairy products, probably to prepare their bones for menopause. When I need protein, I crave peanut butter and meats. The craving is not as obvious as it was when I was pregnant, but it's still there. Whispering what I need. To me, that's real nutrition. And if a kid doesn't really want to eat a food, sometimes it's best not to give it to them. It might be their attempt to get something they think they want instead, but it might also be basic instinct. And how do you know which way it is? Your intuition. Mother's know best. You have an instinct and intuition as mom to know what your kid needs and how to solve your problems. You just have to trust your inner voice.

I personally think positive reinforcement works better than negative reinforcement when it comes to eating, but many people have had success with the whole, "Eat it or starve" mentality. That doesn't mean you will too, but it doesn't mean you won't. Every kid is different. What works on one kid won't necessarily work on the next. Parents of multiple children learn that lesson pretty quick early on.

And if your kid is not eating something (or eating too much), and that is a problem, then you got to find the source. If the source is a disciplinary thing, then discipline will work. But the source can be anything, like autism, food allergies... Maybe you are just a bad cook. Maybe not. It can be anything. I believe focusing on a solution as opposed to the problem is healthy psychologically to the problem solver, but I think there needs to be an emphasis on trying to figure out what the problem REALLY is before totally focusing on solutions, especially if you are looking for long term results and something that might solve more than one problem as something like picky eating is often a symptom to a grander issue.

And all this brings me back to the criticism... When people tell you what to do as a mom, you HAVE GOT to look at their intention. Some people will tell you what to do to belittle you. They don't give a damn about what's best for you or your children. They like seeing you fail. They enjoy it sadistically and maniacally. It strokes their pathetic little egos. So when they tell you, "You need to whoop that kids' ass because you suck..." throw that advice away. It's worth is a lottery ticket. There's a 1 in 385,000 chance their advice might actually be good for you.

Now some people do give advice out of a serious concern for your welfare as well as your children's. They are usually people who give advice like this blog but much shorter. I don't care if you are doing something wrong as mom. Nobody is perfect, so all us moms are doing it wrong. All us moms suck. AND all us moms are awesome somewhere along the way. I am not here to judge, and it does not make me feel better if you fail. I feel bad if you fail at something. I feel good when my advice contributes to your success. That strokes my ego.

And we go back to the mother's intuition. Your intuition as mother trumps all advice. Trust it. If you think someone is wrong, then let them be wrong, but you don't have to be wrong with them. Do YOUR thing.


Here's a link I found to a website that I have no idea if it's actually helpful but I found it searching for some image to stick on this blog... http://foodforkidshealth.com/

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Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Easy Delicious Pork Roast-- Lazy Recipe

I made this up for New Year's one year, but the first version required a lot more effort like chopping an onion and some cabbage. I realized later when I started forgetting the original recipe and was too lazy to look it up in my Facebook notes so I skipped most of the steps that it's just as delicious this way as the original, and really super easy. It's probably the only thing I make that beats my mom's cooking. 

This recipe inspired my DnG status today...
"I wake up smelling booze and I'm like thinking how the neighbors must of partied hard last night and maybe I should offer them some Motrin if I can smell them from here... I go to the kitchen and it's worse. WTF? That smell is not coming from them. It's coming from me. Did I miss a party at my place? Trash was clean. Fridge clean, nothing totally fermenting, growing a civilization, yet. It took me about 20 minutes awake time (not counting the hour in my bed where i kept waking up to and and going back to sleep) to realize I put a pork in the slow cooker last night, my pork roast where I dump a beer and some sauerkraut on it... That's why it smells like booze."

So now that I gave away the surprise ending with my status, and basically the whole recipe, here it is...

Ingredients:

Pork Roast
Big Can or Jar of Sauerkraut
Beer

Slow Cooker version:

Drop the roast in the cooker. Dump a big can of sauerkraut on top. Dump a beer. Cover with a lid. Cook on low all night and all day the next day, or cook on high all day... Cook until the pork is done. 

Stovetop version:

Drop the roast in a deep pot. Dump a big can of sauerkraut on top. Dump a beer. Cover with a lid. Cook on high for like 5 or 10 minutes and then drop it to a simmer/medium low heat. Cook until the pork is done, usually a couple hours.



For BEER, I choose Yuengling's Black and Tan. My mom attempted it once with a Bud Light, and it was still good, just not as good as my Black and Tan version. If I were somewhere beyond the boundaries of Yuengling (as it's not available just anywhere), I'd probably use a Guinness or mix Guinness with Amber Bock. 

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Tuesday, April 2, 2013

World Autism Day: BeAware of the Great Autism Swag

From http://learningneverstops.wordpress.com/2012/04/02/communication-difficulties-in-autism-my-personal-view/
Today is World Autism Day (well the day I'm writing and posting this, you could be reading this on any day like Christmas... April 2 is world autism day).

I think people are all aware autism exists. Like you had to be living under a rock for a very long time if you never heard of autism. Whether you call it Asperger's Syndrome or Pervasive Development Disorder, it's all autism. It's actually a spectrum. Some people you don't notice it really, and others are more obvious, depending on where they are on the spectrum shrinks use to identify whatever classification they give it.

AUTISM AWARENESS

For beginners, what should you be aware of? 

1.  The biggest deals about an autism diagnosis regards social skills, communication issues, heightened senses, and repetitive behaviors (brain gets stuck). Generally speaking, to most people off the spectrum, people on the spectrum are weird and possibly annoying at face value. Deep down, they are loyal, sincere, and will sacrifice for your better good.

2. It is not a disease. If I sneeze, you won't catch my autism. It won't kill me. It doesn't need cured because it's not a disease.

3.  To people on the spectrum, people off the spectrum appear dysfunctional. We forgive you for it, eventually.

4. Nobody looks autistic.

5. Rainman is not autistic.

6. Vaccinations do not necessarily cause autism, but that doesn't mean they don't cause it. We just don't know. Too much politics and non-autistic "normal" stuff getting in the way of finding out.

7. What does cause autism? We don't know but the world of science suspects a genetic and environmental mix.

8. Spankings will not cure autism. If you intervene with shitty parenting to a family where the kid is on the spectrum, you are probably going to make it worse and therefore deserve a good smack upside your head and a swift kick to your netherregions.

9. Parenting a kid on the spectrum is extreme parenting, like most parents climb hills, but parents of children on the spectrum are climbing cliffs, and parents on the spectrum raising children on the spectrum are climbing those cliffs without rope.

10. The biggest warning and caution you can take with autism, don't fuck with the parents. We are people on the edge. Next random stranger "expert" at places like Walmart who tell me how to handle my kid on the spectrum... I am probably going to look at you like you are on crack and respond with, screaming, very loudly, "Why are you telling ME that you have gonorrhea? Talk to your doctor, and put the crack pipe down. Damn, some people..." So again, don't fuck with parents of children on the spectrum. You are welcome to help them without judgment... 

For more advanced autism awareness... 

1. People on the spectrum, contrary to the shrinks' opinion, do have empathy. In fact, they empathize better with people off the spectrum than people off the spectrum can empathize with them. Cool article here.

2. People on the spectrum also, contrary to the shrinks' opinion, have an imagination. In fact, they live outside of the box and have difficulty thinking inside the box.

3. Autism is very misunderstood. Obviously... this should be a duh. If communication is an issue, there's a good possibility you are not understanding, or better said, getting an accurate account of the situation.

4. People with severe autism, the very few who found a way to communicate, actually have a lot of similarities with people with high functioning autism, so if your child is severe autism and not communicating much, you may find a better understanding and some good clues to your trial and error process by listening to people with high functioning autism.

5. People with autism do have feelings. They just don't express them the way most people do, and many times develop a poker face. More often than not, the feelings are actually heightened. It's the sociopaths who don't have feelings, and they are the ones who express fake feelings so well you think they do... aw hell they are such good actors they do sometimes fool themselves which I guess in that case, they kind of have feelings.

6. The reason the autism diagnosis has increased so much throughout the recent years is a change in the diagnostic criteria and awareness.

7. This is a neat article, and if you type in Google, "autism and bacteria in the gut," you get a lot of neat studies, some that might explain why the food allergy / DAN doctors methods do help some people. My instinct tells me that prebiotics does not mix well with this bacteria, and I wouldn't be surprised if the people who have this bacteria crave carbs more so than your average person.

8. People on the spectrum are like cats living in a dogs' world. If you want to understand the differences between autism and non-autism, look at cats and dogs and their behaviors socially, their motivations, and their sense of comfort...

9. People on the spectrum make good friends. They may require a little more effort, but they take friendship seriously and best of all, you don't have to worry about them playing you. They say what they mean. That is very refreshing in a person.

10. Children on the spectrum are really just like normal kids, but amplified. Everything you can possibly say about an autistic child that makes them autistic, a person is going to say, "Well all kids do that." That's because all kids do. It's just a bigger deal with autism to a level where it required professional help.

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