Bullying: Advice Please

I've been thinking a lot about the subject of bullying, overanalyzing it. My nephew is being homeschooled now as a result of years of bullying, among some other variables. It makes you hate kids and want to bully them into not being such assholes to each other. It makes you want to be an asshole. I've overanalyzed this subject to a point where I'm not sure what to think anymore, and I've definitely strayed outside the box again.



I do know I don't like knowing KIDS experience the pain of being bullied. But do I?

I know it sucks to be bullied.

I don't know anyone who hasn't been bullied.

Studies say lots of things about bullying, you know, the "empirical evidence that suggests," that people often misuse, misquote, and misunderstand... What I gather from the studies I've seen:

• Bullying is changing. We now have both physical and emotional bullying, and a lot of it is happening online. 
• There's been an increase in domestic violence that MIGHT influence the trends in bullying
• Adults bully. Men more than women, generally same gender on gender. 
• Teachers bully students, like it's not just students bullying students. This is true from grade school to college.

Moms who drink and swear once shared an article about bullying, and one thing that stood out to me in the article, and it's spot on, bullies today are NOTHING like bullies of the past. There is no kicking their ass and moving on. It was more black and white when I was a kid, and even more black and white when my mom was a kid.

But today, it's different. There's cyberbullying. It's a lot like girl bullying, which is much more passive aggressive, emotional, and powerful than the physical I'll beat you up for your lunch money type of bullying.

But bullying is so ingrained in society, I think we do it without knowing it all the time. I don't think we can exist without it.

In a sense, for example, parenting is a form of bullying. I'll give you a spanking if you don't listen to me... That sounds a lot like, "If you don't give me your lunch money, I'm going to punch you in the face." I'll put you in time out if you do that again sounds a lot like, "I won't talk to you anymore because you wore pink on Thursday when I wanted to wear pink." But we go way worse with parenting. Have you ever grabbed your kid and forced your child into doing what you wanted him to do, like leave? I have picked my kids up kicking and screaming to leave a building to deal with their behavior. I do it just like a bully. It's not only ok for me to do this, it is very much expected by society. It's not considered bullying because why? I have my kid's better interest in mind? Or because I have to control my kids? Because it's not to boost my ego by appearing like I control my kids to those watching?

But they are two different things. A spanking is not a punch to the face. Right? I mean you HAVE to punch someone in the face to be a bully.

Definition of Bully: To use superior strength or influence to intimidate (someone), typically to force him or her to do what one wants.

I think we are all bullies. I think we all have it in us to be an asshole, to belittle someone, to use our force to get what we want, and to accidentally step on someone while we are walking. Bullies are everywhere and will be everywhere for the rest of your life. Humans are not infallible. We all fuck up. We are all slightly narcissistic. We are all slightly inconsiderate and sadistic. The good vs. evil epic tale you are looking for is not between a bully and a victim. It is within both the bully and the victim. It is within all of us.

But how do you talk to a kid about bullying? How do you teach your kids not to bully when you know they must at some point in our society? How do you teach your kids not to be the victim when you know they must at some point in our society? I guess what our kids need is wisdom. The wisdom to know when to stand up and when to sit down, and the ability to do both.

I think it's important we all understand, not just our kids but us grown ups too...

• Some people are assholes, but most of the time, good people have asshole moments.
• When people criticize you like they mean it, they are merely projecting their own insecurities.
• People who hate their life will take it out on others around them. That doesn't mean that everyone who insults you hates their life, but just know they exist, and they already hurt.
• When you are being criticized, you hear your own insecurities and doubts, no matter what they say.
• Instead of focusing on what people think of you, focus on what you think of yourself and self improvement. 
• When you are the bully, have a good reason for it, and show restraint and mercy. 
• Don't use people.
• Don't lie to people. 

The basic right from wrong will go the longest way of all things. You will still bully and be bullied at some point, but the basic conscience is what keeps it in check so it doesn't go overboard. It also keeps the skin thick enough to take a blow here and there. I assure you, when you are in a place where you are surrounded by people poking you, mocking you, manipulating you... The best line of defense is the conscience because it tells you they are wrong. It reminds you who is behaving badly. If you really listen to that inner voice telling you the others are full of shit, you won't play their games. The best way to not lose is to not play. 

I find it unproductive that we tend to tackle this subject through some kind of awareness. It cures bullying much like cancer awareness cures cancer. It doesn't. So I sit back and think, how do I help someone like my nephew? There is no hotline for it. There is no law that will protect him. There is no teacher who will protect him. I can't sit with him all day to stand up for him. Being the example is a big deal, but it doesn't help him NOW. It helps him later. 

I'm still lost as to helping him get help now. His shit level has definitely been reached. He can't talk about it anymore let alone face it again. Will he ever be ready to go back to school? Will he ever be ready to work with his own peers again? I do think he needs a break from them to rebuild himself, but how do I help him rebuild his strength? How do I know when this is just an excuse to stay home from school? How do I get him to see when he is being the bully or perceived as such? 

I'm going to have to end this post with questions I can't answer. Maybe your comments will help so if you have an opinion, fire away. 

Note: The nephew is on the autism spectrum. He mainly deals with girls being bullies, mostly mind games, the occasional being called the R-word, and the occasional physical bully. One girl used to kick him in the balls every day, and one day she went to smack him in the face and he blocked the smack, so she went and told everyone he hit her, that his block was him striking her, and of course, they believed her. He has switched grade schools 3 or 4 times, and middle schools 5 times before going home school. He just kept escaping one set of bullies right into the arms of another set. All of these kids will be in his high school in his district.

STATISTICAL STUFF

Playing the Autism Card

I've seen many versions of these on the internets. Some parents actually hand these out to people. For those who don't realize, a common theme in the lives of parents of children on the autism spectrum is to take our kids in public, I know, gasp, and receive a very inviting welcome from the strangers of the world. By inviting welcome, I mean a bunch of dirty looks, criticism on our parenting skills, criticism of our children, and basic asshattery.

You can read one of my previous posts about that: Dear Dr. Phil Wannabes of Walmart. 

I don't think people who intervene in that manner are ignorant of autism. I think they are mean people. They are just assholes. Think about it. Your kid is freaking out. You are almost in tears, kneeling down trying to tame your child while watching and handling the other kids. You obviously have things to do that is being interrupted with all this. Everyone is upset. Who the fuck approaches people in that kind of emotionally charged situation to insult people? That's not a dumbass. That's a total asshole. That's a bully. They targeted you because you are having a weak moment.

And when they intervene with their ridiculous opinions, they really make the situation harder on the parent and the kid. It's very common with autism or kids in general for kids to run off and/or do really stupid shit when they are upset or overly hyper. So when you distract the parent from the child in that kind of situation, it better be fucking important because you are risking that child's safety when you do. 

That type of threat deserves very little mercy. I used to just hit them with the grocery cart, or drop something on their foot, but since assault isn't something I really want on my permanent record, I now have resorted to shenanigans and debauchery.

I'd rather just scream at them really loudly something random for everyone to hear and be like "What the fuck did they just say to you?" Here's a list of some things I got for now, for the assholes... Use them wisely because you never know when karma is going to strike back, or how it will....

For those who don't know the experience... You are at Walmart. Your kid asks for something that's 50 bucks. You say no. They stomp. Beg. Argue. You hold your ground. You are ready to walk to the next aisle, and they refuse to go. So you start trying to drag them to the best of your ability since you have 2 other kids in the cart, and they flip the fuck out on you. Throwing a huge fit for that 50 dollar Made in China plastic toy. They are so pissed off by now that if you offered to give them the toy, which you would never do, they wouldn't take it. It's a big FUCK YOU and everyone who looks like you meltdown. You're not sure what to do because for you to handle the one kid, you'd have to abandon the other 2. So you spank your kid, "Cmon, we're leaving." And the kid wails louder and throws herself on the ground. So you are starting to concoct a plan of sticking that kid in the cart and making the other two walk. Meanwhile, some asshat who witnessed a portion of your event tells you it's child abuse to spank your kid, or "control your kids," or "I can't believe you just said that to your kid," or "just pick the kid up and leave," as if their fat ass could handle carrying a kicking and screaming kid pushing a cart with a fucked up wheel with 2 kids in it.... Some of them will go so far to call CPS on you, or Walmart will make you wait in the store for CPS to arrive because sitting in an office with 3 kids while one is still melting down is obviously a solution. So this is how I respond to the asshat.

NOTE: I do not really condone spanking an autistic kid mid meltdown. It was just an example. If you didn't spank, the asshat would tell you to spank your kid. It doesn't matter what you do. They will tell you to do the opposite of what you did or you suck. 

What? No I do NOT wish to buy a video of you fondling a goat!

I'm sorry, I don't know where they keep the hemorrhoid cream or the KY Jelly.

Tylenol will not cure your Clap. 

The Diet Pills I think are over there in aisle 14. You better hurry.

You know they have mouthwash here, as well as breath mints. You might want to add that to your list.

Excuse you? I happen to like what the person over there is wearing.

You cheated on your spouse with who?

Three Hundred Dollars for Sex?

Did you just call that guy a n-word? He just called you the n-word. Seriously. I just heard him say it. 

The people who work here are neither overpaid nor lazy, and they definitely do not deserve to go to hell. 

You want to do what with a cucumber? 

I don't have any dimes or bags!

And my favorite for while the kid is melting down...

What did you just say to my kid to make him cry like that?



~~THESE ARE MY STORIES AND I'M STICKING TO THEM~~

The Tattoo Discussion with a 6 year old

The pic she saw... I personally would have
gotten a white tat if I were to get one. 

While I was kind of still in some sick/slept in/where the fuck am I and whose children are these mindframe, like pre-coffee blah, I looked through Facebook, and enter my 6 year old...

Gabby: Scroll up mom. What's that?

Tattoo. Chick with a Fresh Tattoo.

Gabby: That's so cool. I like that one.

Me: that's a real one. A grown up one. You can tell by the red puffiness and the blood.

Gabby: A real one?

Me: Yeah, real tattoos hurt really bad to get, which is why most grown ups like it, it's like saying, "I got a tattoo and didn't cry because I'm super strong." They have a little needle that stabs you over and over again like a pscyho wasp.

Gabby: Ahhh, I don't ever want to get a real tattoo.

Me: Notice I don't have any tattoos? You wanna know why?

Gabby: I don't want to get one. When I grow up, I'll just use kid tattoos.

Me: Do you want to know why?

Gabby: Because it hurts mom.

Me: No, I mean it does hurt, but that's not why. Childbirth hurt way worse than getting a tattoo and I had 3 of you.

Gabby: Ahhh.

Me: Do you want to know why child?

Gabby: Not really.

Me: Because my dad told me I'm not allowed to get one. My dad is in heaven. I can do whatever I want and not get a spanking or a time out, and I still listen to my daddy because I respect my daddy.

Gabby: I want to ask dad. I hope he tells me I can't get one too. They hurt too much.

So then she walks up to daddy.

Gabby: Am I allowed to get a real tattoo?

Dad: What?

Gabby: Am I allowed to get a real tattoo?

Me screaming from the distance: She is hoping you will say no like my dad because it hurts. She means when she grows up.

Gabby: Yeah, when I grow up, am I allowed to get a grown up tattoo?

Daddy: Let me just say this. Do you see any tattoos on me?

Gabby: No

Daddy: That's because the ink, the tattoo paint, goes into the blood. My blood would still work like regular blood, but I wouldn't be allowed to give blood to someone who needs it.



Never did we say she couldn't get one, but we never said she could. We handled this chizz like a boss, or bossier than boss, like a politician master question avoider. I would say this is a parenting win.

Well up until the part...

Daddy: So what blood type is Gabby?

Me: I think she got an A on that.

Daddy: Seriously, what is her blood type?

Me: How am I supposed to know? I was under the epidural after pushing out a child tearing my innards into pieces when they told us this stuff. You should know. You were just standing there.

Everybody wants me to spank or starve my picky eater... Bastards.

Someone asked me a question on my Facebook page that I thought would make a good "question and answer advice-column-like" post for everyone to read because I'm sure advice columnists get this question a lot, even though most advice columnists focus on LOVE. This is kind of LOVE advice. This is more love than a man can give. It too spawned from a sexual relationship like marriage... Mother and child. That's true love. All relationship advice columnists should write about parenting for that reason. Of course it's not as easy. Why? Because, "He's treating you like shit. That's abuse. Just leave the bastard." works out well for advice about your husband, but not so much for advice about your son.

The Question. Dearest Dribbles and Grits Crazy Bitch who Licks the Walls: (she didn't say that part. I did. It's true. Well I don't lick the walls. The 3 year old does sometimes).

I saw your post about the child that is a picky eater, and I was wondering, how do you deal with them? My son who is 7 is a very picky eater as in there are only certain things he will eat, and if he says he doesn't like what you give him, you can hang up him eating it. He is very particular about how food smells and what it looks like, so if he thinks it bad, he won't touch it. I have had people ( mostly family) tell me to spank him or send him to bed without eating and that when he gets hungry enough he will eat what I give him, but I can't bring myself to do that to him. I really need help...thank you

Discretionary Statement: Take my advice as it's relevant. If it's not relevant to your situation, don't follow it. You are not obligated to follow one bit of my advice.

Well, when I wrote the post in the question about my picky eaters, I had my nephew with me, and my 6 year old daughter is starting to develop her pickiness, and both are on the autism spectrum. Because they have heightened senses, they pick up textures, smells and tastes most people don't, so their dislike for anything is a much stronger dislike.  For instance, someone who doesn't really like the sight of seafood can usually get pass it to try it. Someone on the spectrum might actually vomit if they force themselves just like anyone would vomit trying to force themselves to eat dog poop or something. Some of it goes away with age just like every kid's fear to try new foods go away with age. Some of it doesn't, especially with autism.

There's more to the autism deal (like the brain getting stuck on an idea for dinner), but I don't know if that's relevant at all with your child. People often tell parents of kids on the spectrum to spank, give em a good whoopin that will solve it... BS. It doesn't work on autism. Honestly, most people who tell me that have assholes for kids so it obviously didn't work on their kids either. I personally would rather have a picky eater than some of the behaviors I see other kids possess. Denial is Bliss. So are Delusions of Grandeur.

My mother is the one raising my nephew right now. She does what I do... She just cooks based on what he wants to eat. If there's a larger audience eating her cooking, she makes a variety of things for dinner, like meat and 2 or 3 sides, so he can pick and choose what he wants and the other people eating her dinner can do the same (such as her husband who is like most husbands, another child). I have 3 kids, and they will argue about what to have for dinner, and sometimes I make 3 different things for them when it's stuff like hotdogs and frozen pizza and canned soup. When it comes to actually making food that takes some effort on my part, I keep back-ups of canned soups for the kid who doesn't want my dinner. Someday, I plan to stash a plate of leftovers and label it in the freezer for this (wax pencil is awesome for that kind of labeling if you can keep it away from children)

With my children, so far it's not that they don't like what I made for dinner (in most cases) as much as they are not in the mood for it. So yeah, they are spoiled to an extent, but I do the same thing. I don't eat something unless it's what I want to eat at that moment. The "do as I say and not as I do" rarely works on children on a long term scale unless they hate you enough to be the opposite of you. Last night, I made spaghetti for the kids and cheese fries for myself. My PMS needed Ranch Dressing if I had to drink it straight from the bottle.

The other thing my mother and I both do is the reward. Sometimes dessert is a reward. Eat 5 bites and you can have cake, or after dinner we can buy that movie off of the Xbox or go outside to play for a little bit (night time outside fun is fun, especially once the lightning bugs are out). This is a great concept for "Just try it, just one bite" and the reason...

They say with babies, you have to introduce a food so many times before a baby will eat it (I think 7 is supposed to be the magic number, but I think it depends on the person). I think kids and grown ups are grown up babies. We still operate with a lot of similarities as babies. Many of us sleep better with white noise like a fan blowing, just like babies. And with that said, sometimes we just have to be introduced to a food so many times before we will like it.

I also think it really helps to try different recipes with a food. If you can find one recipe your child likes with that food, he can build a tolerance. Much like wine. I started off with spritzers before I could fully enjoy a glass of wine. Example, for many years of my life, I refused salads. Then I had Olive Garden's Salad with the house dressing and the cheese. For many years, that was the only salad I would eat. Now I love salad, and it doesn't matter where it's from though I do often now crave Outback salad with that Mustard Vinaigrette dressing. Mmmm. My husband was the same way with spinach. He refused to try anything that had spinach in it, even in his 20's. I probably introduced spinach 5 or 6 times in a side dish before I finally got him to like it in a Spinach dip. Now he'll eat more recipes with spinach in it, and is willing to at least try plain spinach to see if he likes it (as everyone prepares that a little different).

Now when the pickiness is about an ingredient, you can find a substitute. Years ago, I hung out with an older woman because she was my boss and we were instant friends. Her youngest son was a couple years younger than me. He, even as an adult, hated onions. He refuses to eat anything with onion in it, even if you shaved an onion, he'd know and not eat it. We cooked with a lot of onion salt instead.

With children who have sensitive taste buds, like a lot of the children on the spectrum, including kids who are spectrumish, it helps to reduce the seasonings. My friend's kid, the one she spanks into submission and is the perfect kid and listens to her parents, she is a very picky eater. She refuses most carbs, and she doesn't like much seasoning. My friend is a horrible cook because of it, because she just makes it as plain as possible. Her daughter loves her cooking though, just because it's plain. I'm sure it tastes very different to her daughter than someone like me who killed my tastebuds with years and years of Diet Coke, cigarettes, coffee, hot sauce and booze. I mean, children have virgin tastebuds. Things that you find incredibly delicious might be more like dumping salt in your mouth to a kid.

Then of course, there is the lying/hiding with some ingredients. My other friend's kid who I consider a nephew hates "WHITE SAUCE". Again, this is another child who was spanked into perfection, and his mother told me many times how I need to beat my kids' ass... If I have mayo in something, I don't mention it. He actually loves a lot of white sauces, but he thinks he hates it. He'll watch me cook too, so I have to be super ninja with things like Mayo and Sour Cream.

Some of the food pickiness can be psychological beyond autism-like sensory issues. My daughter on the spectrum hates rice mainly because my mother-in-law came over for a week, cooks a lot of rice, and was a total bitch. My daughter loved rice up until that week. Right after the MIL left, my daughter has refused to eat rice since. Well, there's a recipe my grandmother had called Mardi Gras (my cousin calls it Tuna Mess). My daughter loves that recipe, and it has a lot of rice in it. So she is slowly getting back into the rice. She will also eat it with her China food because they eat rice in China. She loves Kai-Lan. If Kai-Lan's culture eats rice, she will eat THAT rice...

Be careful of health issues. A lot of times things like diabetes will affect a person's appetite. When in doubt, talk to a doctor and Google a little on the subject.

Nutrition varies depending on the source. The one I'm buying the most is a body builder friend. He's in great health and great shape. He only eats that which he can hunt or gather. Meat, vegetables, fruits, nuts (not balls, not crazy, but like almonds and peanuts). He avoids all starchy fibery things. I think a little fiber is good in your diet. I think diversity is good, but I think the main emphasis of the meals should be more meat and veggies and fruits and nuts than breads and oats and cereals... Again, it depends on the source.

I am, however, a firm believer that the body craves what it needs unless there's a health issue affecting that. We women experience this at pregnancy, and I think it's true for everyone of every age. Kids like sugar more than grown ups because kids are more active than grown ups. A lot of middle aged women crave dairy products, probably to prepare their bones for menopause. When I need protein, I crave peanut butter and meats. The craving is not as obvious as it was when I was pregnant, but it's still there. Whispering what I need. To me, that's real nutrition. And if a kid doesn't really want to eat a food, sometimes it's best not to give it to them. It might be their attempt to get something they think they want instead, but it might also be basic instinct. And how do you know which way it is? Your intuition. Mother's know best. You have an instinct and intuition as mom to know what your kid needs and how to solve your problems. You just have to trust your inner voice.

I personally think positive reinforcement works better than negative reinforcement when it comes to eating, but many people have had success with the whole, "Eat it or starve" mentality. That doesn't mean you will too, but it doesn't mean you won't. Every kid is different. What works on one kid won't necessarily work on the next. Parents of multiple children learn that lesson pretty quick early on.

And if your kid is not eating something (or eating too much), and that is a problem, then you got to find the source. If the source is a disciplinary thing, then discipline will work. But the source can be anything, like autism, food allergies... Maybe you are just a bad cook. Maybe not. It can be anything. I believe focusing on a solution as opposed to the problem is healthy psychologically to the problem solver, but I think there needs to be an emphasis on trying to figure out what the problem REALLY is before totally focusing on solutions, especially if you are looking for long term results and something that might solve more than one problem as something like picky eating is often a symptom to a grander issue.

And all this brings me back to the criticism... When people tell you what to do as a mom, you HAVE GOT to look at their intention. Some people will tell you what to do to belittle you. They don't give a damn about what's best for you or your children. They like seeing you fail. They enjoy it sadistically and maniacally. It strokes their pathetic little egos. So when they tell you, "You need to whoop that kids' ass because you suck..." throw that advice away. It's worth is a lottery ticket. There's a 1 in 385,000 chance their advice might actually be good for you.

Now some people do give advice out of a serious concern for your welfare as well as your children's. They are usually people who give advice like this blog but much shorter. I don't care if you are doing something wrong as mom. Nobody is perfect, so all us moms are doing it wrong. All us moms suck. AND all us moms are awesome somewhere along the way. I am not here to judge, and it does not make me feel better if you fail. I feel bad if you fail at something. I feel good when my advice contributes to your success. That strokes my ego.

And we go back to the mother's intuition. Your intuition as mother trumps all advice. Trust it. If you think someone is wrong, then let them be wrong, but you don't have to be wrong with them. Do YOUR thing.


Here's a link I found to a website that I have no idea if it's actually helpful but I found it searching for some image to stick on this blog... http://foodforkidshealth.com/