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Dribbles and Grits to Crumpets and Bollocks: October 2012

Dribbles and Grits to Crumpets and Bollocks

Dribbles and Grits to Crumpets and Bollocks: October 2012

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

The View Asked: What is the most difficult thing about maintaining a healthy lifestyle?

They asked something like that on their Facebook Page. See it somewhere in the mess of posts here...

My comment was the following. I wrote it, and then I thought, "Damn, that could be a blog post." So here it is...

Reading from all the comments... I would say some of you seem to stress out over your own health, and that can't be healthy. I'm not on any high horse with that. I stress out too over mine.

You would think in an age of technology where some random person (team of people) was capable of inventing the internet and cell phones that we would be in a position to find a decent, affordable doctor, and have verifiable sources of information on what is healthy (like am I good with following the government's food pyramid stuff or do I need to go Gluten Free All Organic or even better, grow my own stuff and herd my own cattle so to make sure the pesticides, red dye number something, and hormones are not added?)... So it's obvious to me nobody knows what's a healthy diet, now let's move on to lifestyle.

Moms do everything, and they have to. If their house is a mess at all, they are bad moms. If their kids aren't dressed pretty or faces not wiped clean, I mean really, some people shouldn't breed. If the kids act up, you can't control them and therefore are unfit to be a parent. Now that's added to what everyone goes through, and that's the working one or two jobs just to make ends meet. Grocery shopping, charity, running errands like paying bills, figuring out how to pay bills, figuring gas to go pay bills, registering vehicles, paying taxes, fixing the plumbing, oil changes, washing cars.... We fill our days up with too many things to do and too high expectations that other people place on us (thanks by the way if you are one of them, you can kiss my left butt cheek), and in this day and age where technology is supposed to make things easier, somehow it's making it harder. I mean Amish people have less stress in their day. I'm just saying, this is the kind of stuff that causes big problems like cancer, neurological issues (sleep deprivation will get you), and unhealthy choices (smoking, drugs-pharmaceutical or street drugs, over-eating, under-eating, not sleeping enough/insomnia, etc.). We have each other dancing like chickens with their heads cut off, and we are giving ourselves a strange voodoo curse with it, metaphorically as it's actually natural consequences but like a curse since we are talking chickens and dancing in the same sentence.

And my original point, now that we got unhealthy lifestyles that all the experts treat with unhealthy stuff instead of hitting the problem, let's move to actual medical stuff. We have people who believe the woman's body shuts down during a "legitimate" rape and therefore can't get pregnant. I mean just listen to Republicans on television speak about health and science and obviously some expert somewhere isn't an expert. In fact, nobody really knows much about anything. They talk like they do, but they don't. Now we have Google. The power is in your hands to learn about what's wrong with you. Yes some people are hypochondriac about it, but most people aren't. They really are rational, intelligent researchers (outside of SOME of your republicans). This is the world most parents of a child on the autism spectrum go to for advice and support because they can't find it anywhere else because nobody knows anything about autism except for autistic people who are generally ignored for their lack of social skills. Either way, this now insults a doctor's ego. He did not just spend most of his life in school hundreds of thousands of dollars later to get outdone by a twit on Google. I mean nobody really expects him to research something about you and totally ignore the rest of the medical world for just your ailment like we get to do ourselves. I guess an education cannot replace common sense. So what do doctors do? Intentionally disagree whether you are right or not, for pure ego, and maybe prescribe something the drug dealers, I mean pharmaceutical reps, are pushing, because that's healthy. And then they make you wait an hour in the waiting room but can't see you if you are 15 minutes late, not to mention the woman at the front desk is generally mean to you, will mess up your appointment, and somehow it's all your fault she failed at basic data entry, like getting to a doctor stresses you out. Talking to a doctor can stress you out. Getting what you need from a doctor can stress you out and usually entails going to more than one doctor... which brings me back to the lifestyle.

Sorry so long, but you asked... I'm saying the hardest part is nobody knows what they are talking about. Instead, we stress ourselves out over trying to live up to false paradigms of health living an unhealthy lifestyle trying to live up to other people's irrational expectations of you just so we can survive the social manipulative world we live in.

If I told you I was going to come to your house tomorrow morning at 8AM, with a camera, and I'm going to talk to you about health and plaster that video of your house all over Facebook, you can't tell me you wouldn't be up all night cleaning, freaking out. Why? Why do that to yourself? You should be dreaming of Channing Tatum in a fireman's suit. I'd be cleaning my house too, and I'd hate whoever was coming with a camera like I might offer them something I doused with a laxative to eat... but still, we stress all the time over stuff that doesn't matter just to avoid being judged by others.

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Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Dear Dr. Phil wannabe's of Walmart

Little rant... Happy Ending

When I'm at the grocery store, I shouldn't want to throat punch you while my kid is throwing a fit because you had to come tell me about my parenting skills because NEWSFLASH! All kids throw fits in public, and you did too when you were a little asshole before you grew up to be a big one. If you tell me I should spank because your parents spanked your ass, well NEWSFLASH! It didn't work did it? You are still an asshole. And you are more annoying than a flock of Jehovah Witnesses trying to get me to convert mixed with telemarketers trying to sell me magazine subscriptions and extended car warranties mixed with customer service from companies like Sprint and Xbox mixed with Westboro protesting funerals and cockroaches. Yes, you are more annoying than cockroaches. At least the cockroach gives me the gratification of smashing him with my shoe and killing him with a crunch-sound at least 5 times before it actually dies (and I don't they ever die, like I think they come back to life at the bottom of the garbage can after you throw them out). And no, you don't get the gratification of thinking I have cockroaches in my house. I killed those things in Puerto Rico at my mother in law's house. You are even more annoying than my kids throwing the fit, like I wasn't pissed off until you showed up. I expect a 5 year old to cry when she doesn't get her way, when she has to deal with minor discomforts like self-control. I don't expect tantrums from a grown ass person. Some of y'all actually do jump up and down and turn red with your adult fits, but even if you don't, you are still throwing a fit if you had to stop what you are doing to come give me a piece of your mind. You are behaving no different than a toddler, and if I'm going to spank anyone's ass over it, it will definitely be yours because you SHOULD know better. If you want to get into how people are supposed to behave, start with your damned self. Grow the fuck up.

When I'm in public and my kid goes ape shit, I'm a little busy. I don't have time to talk to you about your grandmother's soup recipe or to listen to you tell me exactly what my kid is doing like you are some sort of god when all you are doing is being a Madden giving me a play by play of the game I'm watching. Yes I'm aware my kid is going ape shit. I would think me kneeling down whispering sweet nothings into her ear about spankings and leaving would clue you in on such a thing. Like you are the daft one if you believe you are giving me wisdom with your, "Umm, excuse me miss, but your kid is throwing a fit, and a public place is no place for that." No shit Sherlock. Nothing gets passed you. Maybe you should join the Marine Corps with those awesome skills of observation, or better yet, you should run for President with your diplomacy skills and social tact. Do you really think I'm going to listen to your advice? Hell no. I don't want my kid growing up to act anything like you. YOU SUCK like a whore. Keep talking and I will make you drop to your knees like the bitch you are and assume the "suck my metaphorical dick" position. No for real, I have a tendency to "accidentally" hit people with my grocery cart or drop a can of green beans on their foot. When you got a kid throwing a fit and a grown up in your face distracting you while you were just trying to get some milk and bread in the first place and you are on a schedule with all this in front of you, it's easy to get clumsy. VERY EASY TO GET CLUMSY.

Now the happy side. One time I took my oldest to get pizza. We went into the Pizza Joint, grabbed the pizza, I put pizza in the car, she refused to get in the car. She kept planking to where I couldn't get her in her car seat. Whoever invented those suck because getting a kid who is totally cooperating with you into a car seat isn't an easy task, like you still break a nail or finger trying, and kids rarely cooperate, so where the fuck do they get this idea of making car seats so "user friendly" for kids who are rebelling against it? It doesn't help this kid is double jointed, so even with a 5 point harness, she can slip out of it, like a cat. Which she did. The ONLY way I was going to legally be able to leave that parking lot with that kid at that point was for her to agree with me, sit down, get buckled and stay seated. Instead, she was screaming bloody murder. Snot was flying from her nose, tears were soaking her clothes... We are talking total autistic meltdown. This angel appeared in the shape of a rich blond woman, one that looked like she would damn you to hell some Sunday morning for wearing those shoes with that dress, and she totally stepped out from any stereotype of her Gap clothes and 50,000 dollar SUV, and she calmly offered my child some health gum (yes they make health gum that has Vitamin C in it) while telling me I'm awesome. She stayed calm with a soothing voice the whole time. She did not judge that I was almost in the fetal position crying for my mommy, or that my car was a fucking trash can disaster that day, or that my clothes looked like color blind football coach picked them out, nor did she advise medication or spankings or not spanking or anything... She did not judge at all. She did not demean. She just helped. When I drove off, with my daughter happily sitting in her car seat buckled safely chewing her gum, I noticed the angel woman getting into her SUV with her what appeared to be tween daughter who sat there patiently for the 20 minutes her mother spent helping. A tween sitting patiently. You rarely see that in this world. NOW that is a person I want my kid to grow up to be like. That woman knows what she is doing.

So before you get all excited about the humor of sticking condoms in a mom's cart, or get the notion to tell that bitch with those kids what to do... how dare them be in your presence with that stuff, just think of this blog. How old are you? Do you want to be the beautiful angel lady? Or do you want to be the asshole, the hairy ugly asshole that shits all over the place? Just know, people will treat you as whichever one you decide to be, and I beg you, please don't make me accidentally run over your foot with my grocery cart. You are just adding to the shit I'm going to have to bring up to a priest some day.

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