Playing the Autism Card

I've seen many versions of these on the internets. Some parents actually hand these out to people. For those who don't realize, a common theme in the lives of parents of children on the autism spectrum is to take our kids in public, I know, gasp, and receive a very inviting welcome from the strangers of the world. By inviting welcome, I mean a bunch of dirty looks, criticism on our parenting skills, criticism of our children, and basic asshattery.

You can read one of my previous posts about that: Dear Dr. Phil Wannabes of Walmart. 

I don't think people who intervene in that manner are ignorant of autism. I think they are mean people. They are just assholes. Think about it. Your kid is freaking out. You are almost in tears, kneeling down trying to tame your child while watching and handling the other kids. You obviously have things to do that is being interrupted with all this. Everyone is upset. Who the fuck approaches people in that kind of emotionally charged situation to insult people? That's not a dumbass. That's a total asshole. That's a bully. They targeted you because you are having a weak moment.

And when they intervene with their ridiculous opinions, they really make the situation harder on the parent and the kid. It's very common with autism or kids in general for kids to run off and/or do really stupid shit when they are upset or overly hyper. So when you distract the parent from the child in that kind of situation, it better be fucking important because you are risking that child's safety when you do. 

That type of threat deserves very little mercy. I used to just hit them with the grocery cart, or drop something on their foot, but since assault isn't something I really want on my permanent record, I now have resorted to shenanigans and debauchery.

I'd rather just scream at them really loudly something random for everyone to hear and be like "What the fuck did they just say to you?" Here's a list of some things I got for now, for the assholes... Use them wisely because you never know when karma is going to strike back, or how it will....

For those who don't know the experience... You are at Walmart. Your kid asks for something that's 50 bucks. You say no. They stomp. Beg. Argue. You hold your ground. You are ready to walk to the next aisle, and they refuse to go. So you start trying to drag them to the best of your ability since you have 2 other kids in the cart, and they flip the fuck out on you. Throwing a huge fit for that 50 dollar Made in China plastic toy. They are so pissed off by now that if you offered to give them the toy, which you would never do, they wouldn't take it. It's a big FUCK YOU and everyone who looks like you meltdown. You're not sure what to do because for you to handle the one kid, you'd have to abandon the other 2. So you spank your kid, "Cmon, we're leaving." And the kid wails louder and throws herself on the ground. So you are starting to concoct a plan of sticking that kid in the cart and making the other two walk. Meanwhile, some asshat who witnessed a portion of your event tells you it's child abuse to spank your kid, or "control your kids," or "I can't believe you just said that to your kid," or "just pick the kid up and leave," as if their fat ass could handle carrying a kicking and screaming kid pushing a cart with a fucked up wheel with 2 kids in it.... Some of them will go so far to call CPS on you, or Walmart will make you wait in the store for CPS to arrive because sitting in an office with 3 kids while one is still melting down is obviously a solution. So this is how I respond to the asshat.

NOTE: I do not really condone spanking an autistic kid mid meltdown. It was just an example. If you didn't spank, the asshat would tell you to spank your kid. It doesn't matter what you do. They will tell you to do the opposite of what you did or you suck. 

What? No I do NOT wish to buy a video of you fondling a goat!

I'm sorry, I don't know where they keep the hemorrhoid cream or the KY Jelly.

Tylenol will not cure your Clap. 

The Diet Pills I think are over there in aisle 14. You better hurry.

You know they have mouthwash here, as well as breath mints. You might want to add that to your list.

Excuse you? I happen to like what the person over there is wearing.

You cheated on your spouse with who?

Three Hundred Dollars for Sex?

Did you just call that guy a n-word? He just called you the n-word. Seriously. I just heard him say it. 

The people who work here are neither overpaid nor lazy, and they definitely do not deserve to go to hell. 

You want to do what with a cucumber? 

I don't have any dimes or bags!

And my favorite for while the kid is melting down...

What did you just say to my kid to make him cry like that?



~~THESE ARE MY STORIES AND I'M STICKING TO THEM~~

Autism and Grief

So I'm wordy. I was going to answer in the comments, but it's too long for a comment I think. So I'm putting it here and linking to it. Ha.

Question:

Anonymous wrote:

My son, who is 10, was diagnosed a few months ago with PDD on the higher end of the spectrum, and ADHD. We tried concerta, which made his emotions off the wall! That is where my problem lies. In early 2012 his father passed away over in Afghanistan. So his emotions are already off the chart, just very hard to deal with sometimes. Between my husband and I, we were always able to manage his ticks and other behaviors. Without my husband, I feel as though my son is getting worse. He has numerous ticks, he's very hateful, his attitude is extremely bad, and just so much more. I guess my question is, is this behavior change I'm seeing in him part of him having PDD, or would you think it's more from him losing his father? He did pretty well in the first year of his dad's passing, then just after a year, is when I really started to see a change in my son. I'm also having trouble finding a behavioral pediatrician that accepts our insurance. So, he's not been seen by a Dr since the diagnosis. If you have any suggestions, it would be appreciated, I'm at a loss on what to do.


Answer:

Many variables here... Sorry it's long. When the moods hit, my suggestion is to try to get him into one of his special interests.

GRIEF I'm sure is a variable, and it takes years to get over something like that. Talking is good for grief, so always promote letting him talk about his dad and reliving some memories, but on his terms. When it comes to the subject of death, faith is a great comfort. Whatever your beliefs, try to lean on that in the most logical way possible. Dealing with grief is a real spiritual journey for anyone, and younger children are not really abstract thinkers until they hit high school. Anytime you see an opportunity (or get creative) to help overcome the cognitive obstacle (his age) to help him find some sort of enlightenment on the subject of death, go for it.

When I lost my dad, I did a lot of soul searching, which involved reading about a lot of religions and beliefs. The Jewish religion, I learned, is the source of the 7 years bad luck with a broken mirror. The old school people believed that the mirror was a reflection of your soul, and to look into a broken mirror reflected a broken soul, and they believed it took 7 years for the soul to heal. I fully believe that it does take 7 years for the soul to heal (average), and losing a loved one like a father or husband takes about 7 years. Like in the movie Uncommon Valor, you don't really accept it, but you learn to make peace with it.

Now in the 7 years that followed my father's death, I was crazy. A different crazy than the one that ails me now. It was more of, "I crashed my car into the bridge and I don't care. I love it." kind of crazy as opposed to now, which is more of a, "This bridge is creeping me out what if I crashed into it with the kids in the car? I can't handle this thought. Wait a minute. Why am I on this bridge? I was supposed to turn left 3 miles ago. Where was I going again?" Anyway, I'm just saying grief changes a person. It's a long process. It will make you crazy for a little bit. This is about you too, not just your kid.
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On PUBERTY, the fact that his rather isn't around is going to make it harder. Boys really need a man at this point in their lives to help them navigate their manliness. If you can find a friend of his father's to act as a godfather/big brother, that would help him out a lot.
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With autism (PDD), SOCIALLY, it is usually worse 7th and 8th grade because of all the other kids and their puberty. It's a rough couple years for anyone, and autism heightens everything. Add grief to the equation... yeah. There will probably be at least one a-hole kid who will say, "At least I have a dad." My nephew has been told that among other things at least 10 times by several kids in the last month (he's in 7th grade). These kids make the lowest blows they can, and they have no idea the impact it has on others.

Remember back when he was learning to talk? His behavior probably improved as his language did. Like a lot of the bad meltdowns from that age spawned from the communication frustration. You didn't know what he wanted. He couldn't tell you. I know that was a pretty arrogant assumption to make, and I'm aware I could be way off base. Regardless, for many on the spectrum, that repeats for social skills. Middle school years are the years when kids becomes mean and bipolarish and start to figure out their identities in the social world. It's a game those on the spectrum, even the most social of them, do not naturally play, but once they realize all the kids are doing it, they try to jump in, usually looking for at least one or two best friends. Their behavior gets worse through the learning process. Kids making fun of you and back stabbing friends or the loss of loyalty and trust in a friendship, those replace the grunting for a blankie or popsicle. It's a new anxiety and frustration. Those feelings are heightened in autism.

SO, the sooner you can help him build social skills to maneuver through this rough world he's about to hit, the better off he will be. You may try to find some online or make some up on your own, but create social settings like a word problem in math and ask how he would handle it, giving him pointers and your expectations. Give him some hard ones, when kids are mean. When they call him the R-word. Let him know what to expect. Don't let those kids have the upper hand with the element of surprise. You may also look into different occupational type therapies. I talk to my nephew a lot about military bearing. Middle school is rougher than BMT.

If he's in the autism program... This is a tough one. Usually, there's an autism room or special ed room. The kids will make fun of that, and that will fuel behavior issues on his part. But if the teacher and program are really good, and he's not annoyed by special ed kids, they are a great escape from the other kids. But you want to keep the IEP because it gives you more control over the school. You probably want to start thinking about the stuff you want to add to it, to give you more options and control when things get ugly.

You also want to find working coping mechanisms. Things that calm him down. You will need to be able to quickly identify those things and turn to them, but don't make it obvious. You want to find things that work in the school too. Like head phones are great for my nephew. He can't have them in school, and his second biggest problem in school (number one being social) is the noise factor when he's trying to work.
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Sorry so long. Like I said, a lot of variables, and this is too important to half a-word. I'm not a shrink either. I did experience losing a lot of close family members one year and I have a lot of first hand experiences in PDD/Aspergers, so grief and autism have become special interests.

Be cautious with the meds. Once you go down that road, it's hard to get off of it. My nephew's mom was pretty determined about going down that road in search of the magic pill to cure his autism. It made things much worse. Topamax did quite a bit of damage, especially once they added Intuniv to his cocktail. He went from Asperger's to Bipolar Pscyho with some Aspieness pretty fast and didn't improve again until we weaned him off the Topamax. He would have been better off not starting any mind meds.

Now that I'm blogging the answer, I want to add, if Concerta didn't help, it's possible he doesn't have ADHD. Hyperactivity is sometimes common with autism, and it's different than ADHD. Some shrinks haven't gotten that memo yet. Maybe they will with the new DSM.

World Autism Day: BeAware of the Great Autism Swag

From http://learningneverstops.wordpress.com/2012/04/02/communication-difficulties-in-autism-my-personal-view/

Today is World Autism Day (well the day I'm writing and posting this, you could be reading this on any day like Christmas... April 2 is world autism day).

I think people are all aware autism exists. Like you had to be living under a rock for a very long time if you never heard of autism. Whether you call it Asperger's Syndrome or Pervasive Development Disorder, it's all autism. It's actually a spectrum. Some people you don't notice it really, and others are more obvious, depending on where they are on the spectrum shrinks use to identify whatever classification they give it.

AUTISM AWARENESS

For beginners, what should you be aware of? 

1.  The biggest deals about an autism diagnosis regards social skills, communication issues, heightened senses, and repetitive behaviors (brain gets stuck). Generally speaking, to most people off the spectrum, people on the spectrum are weird and possibly annoying at face value. Deep down, they are loyal, sincere, and will sacrifice for your better good.

2. It is not a disease. If I sneeze, you won't catch my autism. It won't kill me. It doesn't need cured because it's not a disease.

3.  To people on the spectrum, people off the spectrum appear dysfunctional. We forgive you for it, eventually.

4. Nobody looks autistic.

5. Rainman is not autistic.

6. Vaccinations do not necessarily cause autism, but that doesn't mean they don't cause it. We just don't know. Too much politics and non-autistic "normal" stuff getting in the way of finding out.

7. What does cause autism? We don't know but the world of science suspects a genetic and environmental mix.

8. Spankings will not cure autism. If you intervene with shitty parenting to a family where the kid is on the spectrum, you are probably going to make it worse and therefore deserve a good smack upside your head and a swift kick to your netherregions.

9. Parenting a kid on the spectrum is extreme parenting, like most parents climb hills, but parents of children on the spectrum are climbing cliffs, and parents on the spectrum raising children on the spectrum are climbing those cliffs without rope.

10. The biggest warning and caution you can take with autism, don't fuck with the parents. We are people on the edge. Next random stranger "expert" at places like Walmart who tell me how to handle my kid on the spectrum... I am probably going to look at you like you are on crack and respond with, screaming, very loudly, "Why are you telling ME that you have gonorrhea? Talk to your doctor, and put the crack pipe down. Damn, some people..." So again, don't fuck with parents of children on the spectrum. You are welcome to help them without judgment... 

For more advanced autism awareness... 

1. People on the spectrum, contrary to the shrinks' opinion, do have empathy. In fact, they empathize better with people off the spectrum than people off the spectrum can empathize with them. Cool article here.

2. People on the spectrum also, contrary to the shrinks' opinion, have an imagination. In fact, they live outside of the box and have difficulty thinking inside the box.

3. Autism is very misunderstood. Obviously... this should be a duh. If communication is an issue, there's a good possibility you are not understanding, or better said, getting an accurate account of the situation.

4. People with severe autism, the very few who found a way to communicate, actually have a lot of similarities with people with high functioning autism, so if your child is severe autism and not communicating much, you may find a better understanding and some good clues to your trial and error process by listening to people with high functioning autism.

5. People with autism do have feelings. They just don't express them the way most people do, and many times develop a poker face. More often than not, the feelings are actually heightened. It's the sociopaths who don't have feelings, and they are the ones who express fake feelings so well you think they do... aw hell they are such good actors they do sometimes fool themselves which I guess in that case, they kind of have feelings.

6. The reason the autism diagnosis has increased so much throughout the recent years is a change in the diagnostic criteria and awareness.

7. This is a neat article, and if you type in Google, "autism and bacteria in the gut," you get a lot of neat studies, some that might explain why the food allergy / DAN doctors methods do help some people. My instinct tells me that prebiotics does not mix well with this bacteria, and I wouldn't be surprised if the people who have this bacteria crave carbs more so than your average person.

8. People on the spectrum are like cats living in a dogs' world. If you want to understand the differences between autism and non-autism, look at cats and dogs and their behaviors socially, their motivations, and their sense of comfort...

9. People on the spectrum make good friends. They may require a little more effort, but they take friendship seriously and best of all, you don't have to worry about them playing you. They say what they mean. That is very refreshing in a person.

10. Children on the spectrum are really just like normal kids, but amplified. Everything you can possibly say about an autistic child that makes them autistic, a person is going to say, "Well all kids do that." That's because all kids do. It's just a bigger deal with autism to a level where it required professional help.