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Dribbles and Grits to Crumpets and Bollocks: January 2014

Dribbles and Grits to Crumpets and Bollocks

Dribbles and Grits to Crumpets and Bollocks: January 2014

Friday, January 31, 2014

Blind Date that Sucked, literally and figuratively...

In the Powder Room blogged about a horrid blind date, and author Kerry Rossow did it beautifully. I especially liked where she said, "Topless men sporting mullets shouldn't throw stones." She asked our stories in the comments. Mine is too risque I think for her page, so I am posting it on my little corner of the internet and linking to it with a word of caution.

I am not sure how I ended up on a date with this guy, like I deleted it from memory, but I'm pretty sure a friend hooked us up. I really don't remember because our date was that bad. I know there is no way I found this gem of an asshat myself, like this just goes under rocks I would dare not move.

We went to some attorney's house. The attorney and his wife were people I knew from the country clubbish scene already. He had no idea I knew these people. It seemed to bother him that I did know these people, like somehow that moved me up a class system he didn't expect making us more equals or something... Whatever. The country clubbish scene was full of people I have little respect for, but this guy, he was just another gold diggin whore kissing ass for the networking. So, we already disagreed on self respect... Not a good start.

We partied in their house, a huge historical home re-done to modern times. We all drank wine. The attorney gave me my own bottle of Shiraz from his private expensive stash of wine, and kept offering to give me random things from the house, like some painting, a candlestick... It doesn't sound bad does it? Haha. Wait.

They smoked marijuana and rolled some ecstasy, things I didn't do at all. I was really shocked by this because the attorney was considerably older than me. It was like watching peers of my parents roll E. I assure you he does not do that at the country club.

Eventually, the party moved to the hot tub, with us in bathing suits except the attorney's wife, who was fully dressed sitting outside on the patio next to us, close enough to conversate (I don't think that's a real word). This is where my date was serenading me with sweet talk like, "I'm from the Pakistani Mafia." Then he told me all the history between the Pakistani mafia and the Italian mafia in town, citing people I know and pizza I love. You know, normal first date stuff like who murdered who, when, how they got rid of the bodies... He was obviously showing off.

At some point, the attorney, who is considerably older than me with some obesity issues, asked if I'd sit on his lap. Of course I declined that offer. He continued to ask repeatedly throughout a span of an hour, making me feel more and more uncomfortable by the second. Then I noticed his penis peeping out of the water as he is asking my date if it's ok if I sit on his lap. I clutched my date in desperation and whispered in his ear, "Please don't say yes." So my date picked me up and handed me over to the attorney.

The whole time, the attorney's wife is screaming at him, "She doesn't want you. You are old, fat and ugly, she doesn't want anything to do with your small wrinkled dick." As soon as my body left the hands of my date into the arms of the attorney sitting only a few inches from his hard on, I flapped like a fish and got out of the hot tub. The wife and I hung out on our own the rest of the evening, making fun of the men behind their backs.

So then we crashed at the house. I didn't have a ride home. I was drunk from the wine. My date of course was fucked up beyond repair and shouldn't be driving, and the attorney had quite a few guest rooms. I think ours had its own bathroom. Anyway, my date then wanted to have sex. He begged. Yeah. Men are so stupid sometimes. So I made him go down on me, and after I got mine, I rolled over and went to sleep like a master playa. I also made him apologize to me the next day, and I made him take me home, and I made him buy me breakfast. Fucker might of been from the Pakistani mafia, but bitch, please, I listen to TuPac.

I'd love to hear about your memorable blind date stories, good or bad.

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Monday, January 27, 2014

2014 Grammy Feelings and The Bad Ass of the Year

So I didn't actually watch the Grammy's. See what happened was we had cable. Then one day I realized, "Hey, we pay about $100 a month so the kids can watch 3 Nick Jr. shows until Dino Dan comes on and we go back to Netflix. That's just stupid." So for a year, I kept swearing we were going to get rid of cable. And finally, while I was in the hospital, the husband did. So we have no cable.

Now I googled Grammy's Live before the Grammy's started, and all I could find was Red Carpet. I didn't realize CBS was showing it live on their site because Google denied me that search result. Thanks Google.

So instead. I've been watching all the YouTube videos people are posting that will probably disappear tomorrow like the VMA ones did, though Miley's tongue didn't perform so it's not like they have a reason to remove it now.

I watched Beyonce and Jay Z who popsugar rated as the most awesome calling them Hip Hop royalty. Royalty? Let me tell you who hip hop royalty is... NAS. Ice Cube. Dr. Dre. Mary J. Blige. Erykah Badu. Aw hell, even DMX is more royalty than Jay Z.

And the "chemistry" between them? I didn't feel any. It seemed performed, oh wait, it was. Just like a porn video but with the clothes on, sort of, and the live studio audience.

Beyonce, tell that boy it's time to go to the left. He's cramping your style. Jay, please don't make her shake her ass for us when she's 50. Please. Let her grow up from the childish Miley twerks into the woman she's destined to be. She needs to start singing about real life like Mary J Blige does. Something with more substance than going to the club. Honey, we aren't 18 anymore. It's time to grow up. You know who you are Beyonce? The role you were in Dream Girls. You have so much talent. You are beautiful. You are empowering. The only thing you are missing is that your songs are not from your heart. Halo was a good one.

And I saw the Macklemore free flow. Awesome. The Macklemore/Madonna/Queen Latifah thing... Ok, nobody exchanged vows as promised. Maybe it's because I didn't get to see the whole thing, but if what i saw is what it was... That was not a marriage. That was people standing on the side exchanging rings. Girls giving out best friend bracelets have more of a ritual than what was shown there. I don't know if I'm more annoyed being cheated by the Grammy's or the fact that all these people are like, "awwww it was so beautiful!" Mind you, this is coming from the woman who got married on my lunch break in camouflage and combat boots a couple hours after I proposed to my husband on the cell phone, so I am down with the unromantic. And Madonna. She was so cool in the 80's, we kind of forgive the fact that she can't hit the notes anymore on her old songs, but she should have sang with Macklemore's girl the whole time.

Katy Perry. Ok so popsugar did a thing where you reminded them of Hocus Pocus (the Disney movie), The Crucible, Lady Gaga's ball, and some other weird stuff. I get it though. Dark Horse. I mean what would you do on stage with that? Play Chess? Your performance was awesome. I like Roar better, but that's only because it's like Rocky IV with lipstick.

Pharrell. I love the Happy song so much more. We're up all night to get lucky, I hate that song. I really do. And why? Because when I watched your performance, I could fast forward a few seconds, and it's the same thing playing. I skipped another 30 seconds. Same thing playing. Skipped another 30 seconds. Same thing playing. Am I being repetitive? Isn't it annoying when people just repeat the same shit over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over... again? Yes. It is. Oh wait, I get it. That IS how guys usually get lucky. Repetition, persistence... Used car telemarketing spam. I see what you did there.

Metallica. Yeah you rocked as usual. Good job. Love the piano guy. Lang Lang. Classical music is in decline, maybe not anymore?

Lorde, awesome as usual too. Um, just an idea. Next time. See, you are from New Zealand right? Lord of the Rings was filmed in New Zealand right? And your name is Lorde, and Lord of the Rings? I mean it is destiny to have a hobbit, an elf, some guy with a sword, a dwarf and a wizard in your next performance.

Imagine Dragons and Kendrick Lamar. Um, Kendrick could you put the mic down for a second to let them have a minute? Just a minute. Mic hog. It's puff puff pass. Puff. Puff. PASS. The whole thing kind of reminded me, remember that scene in Back to the Future where Michael J Fox performs for everyone at the dance. He's rocking it. The crowd loves him. And then he decides to get 80's guitar metal on the stage with a crazy solo and knocks the speaker over? Yeah, this performance was really cool with some moments of, "umm, not really musically sound," up until the electric guitar came out and went all Michael J Fox on the stage.

Robin Thicke, I loved it. Chicago really classed you up. I still have a crush on your dad and it makes me happy that you made him look good at the Grammy's by being human instead of a pimpwannabe. The fact that you are one year older than me and I still have the hots for your dad is NOT awkward. Now the fact that I was like 7 years old with a huge crush for both Kirk Cameron and your dad, yeah, ok, that might be awkwardly ewww, like go ahead and page Dr. Freud.

BUT the best performance of the whole night, hands down, definitely PINK.

Check out Pink's Performance on Heavy

Yes, Pink. My mouth was agape the whole time. I've never seen someone sing with that much energy, focus, heavy breathing, and strength going on at the same time. You had me at hanging from the ceiling with what appeared to be freely hanging without any kind of safety net. Badass. Then you did splits and stuff with your body that made my body feel 20 years older by watching, and you are my age. Badass. Then you let the audience twirl you. Awesome. Then you lifted that guy with your back like that.. Wow. Then you did all this Jet Li shit like Jackie Chan doing his own stunts. Amazing. And you did it while singing your heart out hitting all these hard notes with long durations of wind coming out of your mouth. Epic.

And the Badass of the Year Award goes out to PINK
with her Grammy Acrobatic Gumby MILF Performance

Sorry it's not as amazing as it sounds because it's from a small blog, like it's not like getting knighted, but it's your award you earned. Total bragging points Just tell everyone you have been dubbed Badass of the Year, especially when you are saying, "Don't fuck with me."

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Sunday, January 26, 2014

How to Get Fired: Reconciliation, Sociopaths, and Sex

More than Cheese and Beer's Sunday's Confession prompt is, "Reconcile."

Well, the first thing that comes to MY mind because we are talking MY mind is a badass story. I'm not confessing at this point. I'm bragging. I'm also not understanding the definition of reconcile in the proper context... Besides, I don't feel like talking about my emotions. And I should tell this story sometime because it was a big deal in my little life.

So I was working at this local nonprofit charity in bookkeeping, and I was hired as AR clerk because I did such an awesome job to prep for the annual audit through the temp agency. Well I have a tendency to be good at math and to learn quickly, so AR clerk duties that first took 40 hours a week to do ended up being more of a 5 hour a week job (especially once I turned everything into an Excel spreadsheet). So I was looking for things to do around the office.

Boring story, huh? It's about bookkeeping. You know. One fish, two fish, three fish, four... It gets juicier fishier.

So anyway there was a guy there who handled payroll. Long story how it happened, but he ended up with the title of HR Manager, the job duties of Payroll Clerk, and, well this is a confession after all, a decent lay for someone with his penile size. His ex wife wasn't lying about that... Met her at a bar. We're friends now. We shared a lot of laughs. Awww good times.

Why I slept with him? Because young women make stupid decision. No. That's a cop out. I was attracted to him because he was old, ugly, and lonely. I'm laughing when I reread that like, "Really? This is how your brain works Michelle? What is wrong with you?"  But there's something about lonely men who haven't gotten laid in years that I'm just turned on by, and I think it's the way they look at you. They touch you like they are touching a woman for the first time in their life, but without the awkwardness of puberty. You know, no doubts, you know, you mean something to him, that you aren't just another piece of ass he calls when he's in the mood. And you also know, you are exactly what he needs right now. When he went from grumpy cat at the office to Mr. Blue Bird on my Shoulder happy, you know you did that with your magical vagina, cough cough. LOVE with your love.

But don't be fooled by the naive innocence years of sexual frustration wreaks on a man. Once a man like that gets laid by a beautiful woman, he becomes confident. Sometimes arrogant. He will take his new found self esteem and use it to get other women.

While love conquers all, this is lust, and power and greed usually trumps lust. Fast forward toward the end of my career at that place... Basically, he tried to get me fired, and it did eventually work. The office drama separated into two West Side Story gangs, and his loyalty was to the bad guys, the dark side, the assholes.

Years after this bragging moment I haven't even gotten into yet, which is less epic than this tale, I was more of the Comptroller. The real comptroller was planning to retire and just kind of left me her job duties. Fine with me. We were best friends at that point, and her job was more exciting than mine. She got to prepare reports and talk to the auditors, and prepare the Trial Balance. Closing entries. Exciting stuff. There was also a new executive director who was also a sociopath with a circle of disciple men who followed her around everywhere (including my HR prick, pun intended). They all got raises and bonuses without doing any actual work. Meanwhile, there were people working 40 plus hours a week at 13,000 a year. That's 6.77 an hour, while executives sitting on their ass doing nothing but "secret meetings" about "HR situations" (AKA, they dicked around all day), were getting paid 60 grand a year (doubled their annual salaries when I started with mine going up 10% maybe?). Small nonprofit. Of course, I didn't realize this was America at its finest yet. Nope. I saw it as a great injustice of corporate greed in the nonprofit sector that must be fought. I was trying to do the right thing.

Eventually, I gave up trying to talk people into being decent human beings. My shit level was reached. I went to the Board of Directors with evidence I had compiled for almost a year about the Executive Director and her disciples, who had been trying to get me fired for random things like making long distant calls I didn't make (I had a cell phone, why would I use their phone?). So I went to the Board with my loser reputation the higher ups were trying to form for me. I showed the "hostile work environment" (conveniently after EEOC training was done) this created, who did the actual work for the bonuses they claimed, and made some valid points otherwise. I also proposed a budget that included raises for everyone and returned the Christmas bonuses. The Board loved it. I had this bitch by her balls, except bitches don't have balls.

Nope, at the board meeting that was going to vote to fire the bitch, she showed up because the guy I was sleeping with informed her as he was logging everything I said or did in our relationship to her... She didn't show up alone. She was with the director of our greatest funding source that pays admin salaries (CSBG) who works like an hour drive away usually. He was an old pervert, and she was pretty. Not as pretty as me, shut up. Anyway, he told the board if they don't get rid of me, listen to their Executive Director like good sheeple, he would cut their funding entirely. So they really felt they had no choice. They downsized my position just so I could get unemployment because they felt so bad. I don't know how many of them pulled me aside, some I didn't even know by name, to apologize.

The karma train, maybe irony train, hit that station though. That year, Bush cut CSBG in half, so they lost most of the grant anyway. They had no other grants to fall back on because they lost about 10 grants and programs because the Executive Director didn't turn in the paperwork for it, probably because she didn't know how to fill it out and fired the only person who did (me), well besides the person who retired with her middle finger in the air (the comptroller). That agency is still a shell of its former self. They never have funding to do much of anything. It's sad how one bitch could take that down so much so hard. They really helped a lot of people back in my day, and now they don't.

But back to my bragging story. Before the drama unfolded, before I slept with an a-hole with short man syndrome, that a-hole didn't think I could do much of anything in the office. I don't know if it's because I'm a woman, or because I was young, or because he was so blinded by my cleavage he neglected to see the brain, but anyway, Bank Reconciliation was his job, one he was 6 months behind on. It wasn't like reconciling a personal checking account. They had 6 checking accounts plus an investment account (AKA Sweep Account, that NOBODY knew how to reconcile, not even the bank) that played with a couple million dollars annually, with a 70 page GL, where we accounted to the penny (no adjustments). This guy did not think I could do the bank rec simply because he couldn't. He had tried for 6 months to do it. Obviously his logic was totally sound because if he can't do it, then surely I couldn't. Eyeroll please.

Of course, I had no idea how to do a bank rec, not even with my checkbook. So I learned first with the smaller accounts, and I reconciled them, up to date, within a day or two. Easy. This guy kept saying, "You can't do it." So I kept saying, "Watch me." Then I tackled the main account. It took me 3 days, with constant doubt-talk coming from the direction of that guy's desk, but I reconciled that bitch to the penny. Within a week, I had the 6 months we were behind caught up entirely. Then the sweep account. It really didn't need reconciled, but I had to. After asking a million people including 10 people at the bank including the bank president at two different locations, I was still at square one. So I thought about it, on paper, and it looked like some Einstein formula because algebra was my friend, and I figured it out with math and science. So then bank recs became my job duty, one that became more of a breeze once I made an Excel spreadsheet do all the calculations for it.

They got harder when we got the Workforce Investment Act money. Those grants are insane. Irrationally insane. It was you spend the money, and they reimburse approved expenses. A thousand dollars worth of motivational pictures like this was approved. A dollar for toilet paper in their office, not so much. That's our government at its finest. And they wanted every penny spent or coming in split 2 to 3 ways, in a funky percentage like 22.556312% goes to this fund and the rest goes to this other fund, and I don't want it to be off .000001% at all.

Then we hired a guy to handle just that account, who became a disciple to the Executive Director. It was more like we hired a troll to put random entries in the software. He even managed to do a single sided entry, a debit with no credit. That's impossible to do with the software. The guy gave me gray hair and hypertension. That was another one that got a year behind to get reimbursed (not the bank rec because I did the bank recs) because the guy getting paid twice as much as me couldn't figure out how to do his job. So I got those caught up and it became my job. They kept the guy at his salary to do filing, while I still made half of his salary doing the only job we paid him to not do. Then to add to insult, short man prick who I was humping at the time got a $600 bonus for that and the glory with the Board, for my work. The funding source even sent an email praising my awesome, but nobody in the office acknowledged it. It was like I was in a Ben Stiller movie.

So yeah, I'm a master at reconciliation, when it comes to numbers at least. When it came to office politics, not so much. If you don't know me, my brain operates like this. You say reconciliation, and immediately I think about numbers. Not people. In fact, I think about numbers more than I think about people generally anyway. Numbers are nice. You know they are positive or negative, rational or irrational, without having to guess at it.

Moral of the story? 

1. You might lose your job trying to do the right thing.

2. If you are attacking your boss at work, follow the money as far up as you can. Don't stop within your own organization. Cover your ass as many directions as you can.

3. This is exactly what's wrong with America. This is why there are no jobs. This is why your pay check sucks. Because this happens everywhere. It's not just that greedy people are in charge. They are evil, power hungry, ego stroking sociopaths. The greedy people are those like most of my coworkers who dared not rock the boat because they didn't want to lose their jobs. They lost their jobs anyway because the organization downsized when there was no more money for them, so it was all in vain. An ironic twist of vainness. But the world is full of them, the multitudes of sheeple who dare not rock the boat, and that is what is killing our economy. The people who actually work need to overthrow the people who don't and get paid regardless. People who don't work should be collecting government welfare checks, not corporate welfare checks.

4. Never sleep with your coworkers, and if you do, definitely do not talk about work in the bedroom.

5. Women do a better job on an academic level than a man. There's actually empirical evidence to support that claim. We score higher on tests, get better grades, and mentally trump men statistically from the moment we are kids all the way to death. So when you men get all, "She can't do it because she's a dumb woman, go make me a sammich" you are a complete dumbass and you would service the world better by collecting disability and making me a sammich.

6. Anyone, anytime, could be a future writer thinking about adding your character to their story. Behave accordingly. 

P.S. Some of my journal entries had descriptions, to entertain the auditors as they'd be the only ones to ever see it, like...

The payable that couldn't
The receivable that wasn't
Let's see if this works
No it didn't work
Diane told me to
Reversing another Mentry (that was my code word for Mark's Entries, the guy who gave me gray hair)

P.P.S. Can you tell how old I am using things like P.S.?

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Saturday, January 18, 2014

Securing the Insecurity with Insecure Confidence (say that real fast five times)

I'm not saying I'm a completely daft twit who doesn't know her head from her arse, well I don't usually know my head from my arse, like I was just thinking I should wait until my husband comes home to call him, but anyway, wait, it's just hitting you what you read isn't it? Anyway, I know what the word "insecurity" is. I really do know the meaning of the word. It's been part of my vocabulary for decades. So when I have to google the definition before I can even begin to write a blog post about "insecurities," from More than Cheese and Beer's Sunday Confessions prompt, I'm saying it's not because I don't know the definition of the word because I do, but that in a super ironic twist, I'm insecure about my definition of the word insecure.

This so reminds me of the time I asked the pharmacist, "There's these pills I keep seeing advertised on television that are supposed to aid in memory, and I forget what they are called..."

So let's look at the word insecurity.

Well outside of the fact that I'm insecure about definitions of words... I'm constantly googling definition and spelling to double check myself because nothing is more embarrassing than this...

So outside of all that, I would say it's possible we should put a picture of my face next to the definition of the word insecurity and confidence... You'll see why I'm a walking talking juxtapositiony paradox...

The first definition, uncertainty... I'm always uncertain. I think it's a good thing really because I double check myself as a result. Because I'm not sure if "morbid" is really the word I'm looking for, I'll google it and find the word I meant to use, "co-morbid." Because I'm not sure if my shirt matches my pants on a night I'm trying to look decent, I'll ask someone. Because I'm not sure Evolution is really how it went down and I'm too lazy to really read what it's really about beyond what I had to learn on the subject, I keep an open mind for things like "ancient alien breeding." Don't knock it, if you find out there are aliens all over this place, you'll be surprised because you were too confident in your theory.

Things I'm insecure about include (definitely are not limited to):

My looks
I have wrinkles, gray hair, saggy boobs, saggy ass, shit I need a pedicure, gross is that a mole or a pimple?

My creativity
This painting sucks why did I just waste 5 days of my life on it?... this blog post sucks, I still won't share it on my personal facebook profile in fear that people I went to high school with might see it and laugh, you know, laugh, the thing I try to make my readers do. SMH at myself.

My resume
Ugh, no degree? Really? I'm this old without a college degree? And look at this work history. I didn't work anywhere long enough for it to even belong on this resume. This is for jobs you have for 10 years, not 3.

My housekeeping abilities
If you came over here, you'd be insecure about my housekeeping abilities too.

This is the worst... Am I really right to stop giving her milk even though the doctor said it's ok but I swear she's allergic to it? Maybe I should be more strict? Maybe I should spank more? Maybe I'm all wrong about autism? Maybe my kid doesn't even have autism? Did I really give them ice cream for dinner? She's sleeping on a bed with no sheet, what happened to the sheet, how can I let her sleep like that? How did I not notice this? I yelled too loud. I didn't yell loud enough. Is this healthy to eat? Maybe she's gaining weight because I should be feeding her more of this instead? Is it my fault she's gaining weight? It shouldn't matter, some people have curves, but really am I feeding her too much? I should have withheld that snack from her? Did I really just deny my kid food? Like how dare I not feed my hungry child? What kind of parent have I become?

When I'm cooking, I swear I added too much salt, or not enough. This pizza is not going to work there's too many toppings for this crust. This cup (from the cabinet) is not clean enough to give the kid. I should have hand washed it again just to be sure. Why am I hand washing a clean cup? I'm spending too much time on the computer. I shouldn't read that thing on Facebook. Did I actually just laugh at that? What kind of person laughs at that? Yes I agree with that, even though I probably shouldn't. Why am I commenting? Nobody gives a shit. Delete. Am I stupid for having a flag in my living room? Like how stupid am I to stand here and say the Pledge of Allegiance. I'm sick of our politicians, am I making my kids swear allegiance to assholes? This cold water load probably should be washed in hot because of the interesting goop on that one sweater, like the germs will just spread to all the clothes. No it should be on cold, I'll ruin the clothes on hot. I'm putting it on cold. No, I should have put it on hot. I probably will make everyone sick with one load of laundry. I can't believe I just got annoyed by my kid needing something. I'm the one who chose to have this kid. I've been doing other things all day that isn't this kid, like how do I get off being annoyed?

I'm also quite the opposite at the same time. I do display confidence a lot. Too much confidence a lot. This includes, but not limited to...

  • I will walk into a bar by myself no problem (apparently, men see that as confident, a lot of men see that as confident, or maybe they see it as vulnerable and that's why they always bring it up)
  • I will tell people what to do knowing my method is the best choice on the job (when I had one)
  • I always have to drive, and I have no problem driving through places I have never been, including a big city, without a map, and apparently, I will drive without brakes as I just did that to get my car to the mechanic so he can fix my brakes. No I didn't hit any buildings, but I didn't really test the emergency brake before I attempted to depend on it. 
  • I'm a control freak. I do it because nobody is as good at whatever I'm trying to control than me. 
  • I will walk up to a perfect stranger and talk their ear off, and that includes, true story, "Hi, I'm sure you get this a lot from men, and I'm not a lesbian, but your boobs... Is there any way we can hug so your puppies can give my puppies a pep talk? I am so jealous."
  • I listen to my intuition
  • In a decision, I go with my idea over someone else's more often than not (it really bugs my friends)

It's almost like I second guess myself every step of the way, and because I do that, I know I'm right. I know the other guy telling me what to do never gave it anywhere near as much thought as I did, so I'm the trusted, reliant source. While I have gray hairs and wrinkles and belly that makes me go eww in the mirror, I know that I make the gray hair, the wrinkles, and the belly look good, like I know I can pull it off because I just know I'm beautiful, even if I don't agree. I don't think I'm beautiful, not at all, but I know I am.

Despite all the negative talk I do in my head, constantly, every step of the way, I know historically, I'm the one who solves my problems. If I'm lost, I've always been the one to find my way. If I need to talk, I talk to myself. If I need something to lean on, I'm the one who drags the object somewhere so I can lean on it.

And despite the negative talk, I keep going. When I'm scared, I keep going. When I'm tired, I keep going. When I quit, I lay down long enough to get back up and keep going. When you just keep swimming, eventually, you'll figure the shit out. Eventually you'll learn what you needed to learn to get to the next step. Eventually things work themselves out.

The second definition, the state of being open to danger or threat, well I have PTSD. I assume I'm always open to danger or threat, physically. I'm actually insecure, physically, like I'm not secure, like someone needs to secure my surroundings all the time. Oh, wait, that's me, so I am securing the insecurity constantly. Yep, every noise, I check it out. And I do, sometimes with a machete. And I say ARRR every time. Occasionally, I hold it up in the air and say, "For the honor of Grayskull..." but for the most part, I talk pirate. And the sad thing is, if someone broke into the house to rape everyone (why else would they break into MY house?), my preferred weapon of choice would be a kitchen knife only because I'm used to using those, like if I can chop raw vegetables, peel potatoes and apples, and cut through raw meat, human flesh should be no problem. And I'm really insecure about using the machete only because it didn't do shit on slicing pumpkins, or apples (not that I tried or anything), and it was awkward when I tried.

In addition, more in line with the second definition, everything about my life is metaphorical to job insecurity. I'm just wide open for shit to go wrong, and most of my bad luck is a result of my self, whether it be lack of preparation or the fact that I didn't do something I needed to do, or Facebook (it's always Facebook's fault that i didn't do it).

And last, I own insecurities. It's like financial securities (like stocks and bonds) but instead of being assets, it's a liability. I totally made up the word insecurities in this sense.

Anyway, thank you for reading about my insecure security, or secure insecurity. I never claimed I was sane, and I am not sure if you should ever quote me for anything serious. You'll have to ask the Magic 8 Ball that one. But if you, for whatever reason, liked this post, you know, you can subscribe to my blog. It will send you annoying emails every time I post, but they are much cooler than the ones for male enhancement products, a credit card that will fuck you over, and how you just won some dead guy's inheritance in Africa. OK, maybe they aren't cooler than male enhancement spam.

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You should also check out More than Cheese and Beer. She hosts Sunday Confessions every sunday. Search #SundayConfessions on Facebook to see other blog posts and Facebook posts on the subject. If you have a blog (or if you don't), you should join us. Not in a Darth Vader I'm your Father sort of way, no more like just write a post about our topic and let us know about it sort of way. It's fun, but not death star destroying planets fun... Don't get caught in finding your lack of virtual socialization disturbing. Write your confession to us.

Sunday Confessions in no way shape or form is a form of penance, and we cannot offer any form of absolution. You will need to see a professional priest for that. And yes, I googled the definitions of those words.

PS. I posted this Sunday Confession on Saturday. I know. I'm so Bad. Bad to the Bone.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

West Virginia Licorice Water: The gossip, the news, my opinion

I'm about to get serious with some grits again, and for those who don't know my blog, I am brutally honest with a potty mouth. That's not a threat. That's a warning.

I'm not sure if you are aware, but I'm in West Virginia, and we've had our own share of national attention this week. Don't worry, I'm ok. I'm up river from all this.

Outside of the crazy that brought this to us, (you weren't worried about me were you..) I am yes annoyed that it brought this to us because I picked to live in this state because it never gets national attention. It's just sitting here, hiding as the western part of Virginia to most of the country (we are our own state, but shhh, it's a secret), nestled in between some mountains just chilling. Crime rate is low here. The culture is kind. And the best part, the nature. We are covered in greenery for most of the year. If your AC doesn't work in your car, you can go to the mom and pop shops in the country and enjoy a cool drive on a hot, humid summer's day because of all the foliage and shade that surround the country roads.

And my favorite part of West Virginia are the country folk. The people in towns are different, like they are more like any person you will meet in the US of A, but our country folk are unique... I like that I can drive my hot mess of a car into the country with my kids getting out and some trash and sweater falls out the door with a kid and not one country bumpkin is going to judge or give a shit. I love the country folk. Their priorities are different. You are allowed to be human (another word for flawed) around them.

But our state I love for its nature did the most unnatural act this week. We peed in the river and poisoned the water supply.

I'm aware that urine is sterile. It's still gross.

I've been waiting to blog about it just to get the facts and the whole story. I mean I'm hearing a lot of gossip before they hit the media outlets, and from where I sit, something like, "This has been going on for a week before we were notified of the leak" sounds like a fact to me. A real journalist is smart and handles that sort of speculation as, "There's a class action lawsuit filed because people claimed it's been going on for a week before we were notified of the leak." Since I am not a real journalist, I'll do the best I can do...

Story Rundown, and it's long

Image from http://suzettebaileyrealtor.com/
Charleston is one of the few cities (small city to the rest of the world) in our state that collects people by the multitudes, and with that, a lot of businesses and jobs. So poisoning Charleston's water supply for a population of about 350,000 people is definitely going to be much more epic than poisoning that of the town just up stream, Ripley, population of about 3,000. That is why you are hearing about it. That is probably the only reason why you are hearing about it.

To sum it up, Freedom Industries leaked a very hazardous chemical into the river and totally contaminated the water, so 300,000 people just went like 4 plus days without water, not for drinking, cooking, bathing, washing hands, watering the lawn, feeding the pets, doing the dishes, no laundry, nothing. Well unless you need a fire to keep warm... There's much more details to the story, so let's get to that.

Doesn't it look like something out of the ghetto?
Freedom Industries is a company that provides a bunch of big words for things I've never heard of before, and that includes chemicals to assist in the coal mining process, and, in the heat of irony, water treatment. They had a big vat of stuff called 4-methylcyclohexane methanol, or MCHM, and it was leaking into the Elk River.

Now the leak is the questionable thing, but from what I read, I think they knew about the leak, and their idea to fix it was to stick a cinder block over it with some powder. I don't think they had any intention on ever telling the public until they saw environmental inspectors and kind of had no choice. The reason I think that is, well this explains it best... though I do get more into that later...

"When state inspectors showed up unannounced at Freedom Industries to investigate a licorice odor wafting across West Virginia's capital city, company executive Dennis Farrell seemed to brush off any cause for concern.

But inspectors quickly found what was already contaminating the water for some 300,000 people: a chemical oozing from an above-ground tank and escaping through an old, cracked containment wall. A bag of absorbent material had been placed nearby and weighed down with a cinder block in a failed attempt to stop the flow.
"When they approached the tank, (Farrell) said they just discovered a leak," Jesse Adkins, the inspectors' supervisor, said."
The comments I read swore they smelled licorice in their water for a good week before any of this came public. In fact, the public became aware because of the water company down stream.
Many are like, "Why would you put a chemical facility up stream from your water supply?" Well the answer is, Jon Stewart, we didn't. Nope. We put the water supply down stream from a chemical facility, and honestly, you have no choice in this state. We have plants all along the river. They stretch throughout the whole state; there is no avoiding that. And they also leak interesting shit in the water. I can't tell you what they are leaking now, but for years, C8, the stuff in your Teflon, was in the water like it was ok for public consumption. These companies are notorious for waiting for the public to sue before doing much of anything about anything. 
But never have they dumped stuff in the water to make it this bad in my lifetime to my knowledge. The residents not only claim the water smells like licorice, but the air does because of the water. One of my friends had a migraine for days with a nosebleed from the smell alone. She has since headed up stream to stay with friends. 
"The American Association of Poison Control Centers says it’s harmful if swallowed or inhaled. MCHM can cause eye and skin irritation, nausea, and vomiting. More than 70 people have sought treatment for those symptoms since the contamination prompted President Barack Obama to declare a federal emergency." From Bloomberg Businesweek

Frozen foods become scarce as people were not allowed
to cook with the water.
So once the water company put a ban on the water, of course, water became a valuable commodity. There are already reports of price gouging with this warning coming from the Attorney General's office. In addition, many sources from some private entities, government agencies and the National Guard supplied bottled water to the masses, but most people stood in line for hours to receive nothing. And because you cannot cook with this water, there was also a shortage of meals that didn't require water to make.

Meanwhile, people were suffering from conditions caused by the chemical seeking treatment from a hospital who can't use their water...
This is what they got from her lungs

One woman took a shower in the water before knowing it was tainted, and she received treatment from the emergency room. She was diagnosed with chemical induced pneumonitis, pneumonia in her right lung. She also experienced severe burning in her eyes, throat and mouth and a cough that sparked the ER visit.

Others have complained about rashes and blisters after the water ban was lifted. Before we get to all that...

So how did they come about handling the situation? Well, they guessed at "safe levels," and then flushed the system by dumping the chemically tainted water all over God's creation (because we all know the plants will love it).

The problem is, there has only been one study done with this chemical on rats, so we have no idea what is safe or how to safely make it safe. At least according to some of the sources...

Rich McGervey wasn't buying that bull shit, as his Facebook status says...

"I just got off the phone with an attorney friend, who formerly represented industry, and said she had some experience with THIS chemical, and was at a conference states away several years ago, with a bunch of toxicologists, who provided at least some information that long term exposure to this chemical, even in minute amounts, such as the less than 1ppm figure they are tossing around as safe enough to fire up the water system, can lead to health problems in the second generations. In other words, the children of people exposed. "

So what's it do to the water exactly? Besides making the water smell like a strong licorice, it makes the water flammable (contrary to whatever you hear about the chemical and it's flammability).

Link to a guy's Facebook video of it

You can find more searching in Youtube. One guy said he filled his tub with the water and lit it on fire. He said, "I should have video recorded it because it was awesome."

There are many pictures showing the gel like goopy substance this water has... Some before and some after the flushing.

Before the ban was lifted, this is the residue
left behind that started clogging this person's

This is from the Safe Zone

After the flushing and ban lifts, area by area, people are still skeptical of water usage...

This is from Mark E. Parsons-Justice. Thanks for contributing: "Just had to call the poison control hotline. Even after flushing our lines in zone 4, the water burned and blistered my hands. Poison Control said they are getting a lot of reports of this problem. They suggested washing or rinsing with bottled water, applying hydrocortisone or heavy hand lotion, and calling my doctor in the morning if it hasn't gone away. They said I could need burn cream. BE careful, friends!"

In addition, our state government is so competent (or maybe I should say unbiased free from getting paid by the industry, and I say this sarcastically) that...

Officials with the West Virginia Department of Environmental Protection have said they visited the storage facility as recently as 2012 to check on reports of the licorice odor associated with MCHM, but found nothing amiss. Randy Huffman, the department’s chief, has stressed during local television interviews, though, that as far as his agency is concerned, MCHM isn’t “hazardous” and doesn’t require any sort of special permitting. From Bloomberg Businessweek

Basically, this has been leaking since 2012? And it's not been considered hazardous? Is our Environmental Protection drinking the same water because I think they are and it caused brain damage.

So what's the deal with the bad guy? Freedom Industries. Yes they are bad guys.

How it all started... There is more before this happened and after, but this is the gist of it...

Freedom Industries traces its start back to 1992, when Carl Kennedy II filed the incorporation papers. Kennedy and Farrell owned a 50-50 stake in the venture, according to a legal claim that Freedom Industries filed years later against Kennedy. During its early years, the company sold chemicals designed to prevent airborne dust on coal haul roads. It averaged roughly $50,000 to $60,000 in annual revenue. From Huffington Post

What's the deal with Kennedy? 

The paper reported on Sunday that he (Kennedy) pleaded guilty in federal court in West Virginia in 2005 to tax evasion and was sentenced to three years in prison, a penalty that was reduced after he agreed to wear a wire and make controlled cocaine buys in a separate investigation. Kennedy had some background in the cocaine field; in 1987 he “pleaded guilty to selling between 10 and 12 ounces of cocaine in connection with a scandal that toppled then-Charleston Mayor Mike Roark,” the Gazette explained. Kennedy apparently no longer works at Freedom Industries. In another twist, Stover-Kennedy, Farrell’s friend and the Facebook defender of Freedom Industries, is Kennedy’s ex-wife, according to Gazette archives. From Bloomberg Businessweek

And what does Stover Kennedy say on her Facebook to defend Freedom? You know, the ex wife of Kennedy who is now bumping pelvises with Dennis Farrell (I assume they bump pelvises, she is his girlfriend; however, I'm not sure if they are going steady). I mean, these guys are now much more than business partners. They are almost blood brothers...

This is from the person who is USING the water. I'm amazed nobody has made any blond jokes over this.

Meanwhile, the President of Freedom Industries, Gary Southern, did an interview on television, the one she referred to, making a statement that didn't say shit from shit. If you want to watch a reporter not allow this man to dodge all the questions trying to cut the press conference short as he was chugging his bottled water, click here to watch it. Yes, he was drinking his bottled water bitching that he was tired to 300,000 people who went without water all day because of his dumbass.

Now the question is, inspections... Local gossip says that the facility wasn't really inspected much because they didn't make the chemical, they just housed it and distributed it. Freedom's website claims it produces some chemicals, which ones I'm not sure. According to this source, the terminal that caused the leak hasn't been inspected since 2001. Erin Brockovich and Jon Stewart says it hasn't been inspected since 1991. Both dates predate Freedom Industries; however, the company it was before Freedom seemed to have a lot of the same people involved. The point is, that vat of goop has not been inspected outside of people complaining about licorice tasting water since Freedom Industries was formed. Is that a coincidence you think?

On top of it, a previous employer said that the vat was cracked and instead of replacing it, they welded it. He speculated that what caused the leak was that there might of been moisture in the air parts of the welding job, and due to the severe cold weather we had (this is soon after temperatures have dropped to 0 degrees Fahrenheit) that somehow it cracked. He explained it much better than I am.

And now? The chemical goop in the river is travelling south.

As long as this post has gotten, there's still more to this story...

The lawsuits.

Local attorneys are already looking for people who experienced health issues, lost wages, lost business, and so forth. But this doesn't begin to cover the expense this negligence has caused. People are not being reimbursed for the sewage bill. They have to replace the filters in their homes. Like every resident probably qualifies for a piece of the lawsuit pie.

One local attorney, Cynthia Evans, a personal friend, also sells diet/health products as her main job now. She's only taking cases she wants to take, and she usually aims for school related and child related cases, mainly abuse. This is one she is taking as it has affected her personally. She is one tough woman who is well connected in the network of West Virginia, and I don't doubt she would do a great job representing people. If interested, you can contact her on her Facebook Here. 

Meanwhile, Erin Brockovich, that's right, the attorney portrayed by Julia Roberts, the environmental activist herself is here. In my state. Not putting up with any shit. This is what she said at a town meetin (yeah we still have those here)...

Just now near Charleston, WV
This is a rundown of the town hall meeting from this evening with Erin Brockovich and Robert Bowcock. The thing that sticks out most to me from the meeting- The last inspection on the facility (freedom industries) was in 1991--- any and all water filtration in your home must be replaced. this includes the filter in your keurig and your mr coffee coffee makers.. they are carbon and it is spent-- all of your appliance filters and whole home system filters must be replaced or you will continue to contaminate yourself--this can be filed as a home owners claim if you have insurance-- they are asking us to flush our pipes of the contaminated water..where is it going.. back into the system.. and you are flushing it with water that is still contaminated-- the only way to ensure the filtration at the intake is properly working and no longer contaminated is to have the charcoal removed and placed in an incinerator to have it re activated or replaced with new carbon-- the pipes on the system are old..therefore they are filled with that nasty ring of goop that you see when you look inside the pipe..this is actually a good thing..because that bacteria will "eat" the chemical--open the windows..let the fumes out--the fact that they are saying parts per million isnt acceptable..it should be parts per BILLION-- MOST IMPORTANT *** IN ORDER FOR THE WATER TO BE SAFE..IT SHOULD HAVE ZERO PARTS OF THIS CHEMICAL IN IT**** The chemical will not cause long term havoc on the environment because the bacteria will eat it.. at least a week of running through the system before they would even CONSIDER using it to shower or drink.. we need to start attending meetings at the pcs.. we can demand a hearing on this.. this was not an accident it was NEGLIGENT.. there was not an emergency plan in place for this chemical and there should have been based on its local to the water plant (up stream) the chemicals that the water company attempted to use to treat the chemical were not the correct chemicals..and acutally prob made it worse.. the chemical would not be removed by the current filtration system and if the carbon was the type that would filter this chemical..the carbon is now "spent" (meaning used up) it will not wash off it will not go away

That's probably the most important light on the subject rundown I've seen yet... Hopefully this will make a sequel for Julia Roberts.

In addition, Brockovich raises one important question and point. When do we start placing criminal charges on those responsible for epic scales of corporate irresponsibility?

My opinion...

West Virginia is probably one of the poorest states in the country. We need jobs. There are never enough jobs in this state, and what's out there pretty much sucks. You are looking at minimum wage, state jobs, and union jobs. That's about all our state offers.

For years we have been super friendly with the industry. We accept less wages than most people in the country would, for instance a Journeyman Electrician makes about 10 dollars an hour less than what they'd make in Colorado, and in some cases, you are looking at being a mechanic who is the only person who handles electrical work but you are not an electrician you are a mechanic, at less than half of what you'd make in another state.

Most importantly, we also offer flexible laws and dirty politicians. We are a state where everyone is pro-coal, and pro-let the corporation do whatever it wants we need the jobs. I would think it's safe to say that too many people of this state would rather we deal with the water situation and move on than worry about placing criminal charges, changing laws, or lawsuits because we are going to, quoting a resident of the state, scare off the other plants. Like would the new cracker plant open up if we sue Freedom Industries?

I think West Virginia needs to stop being the industry's bitch. Quit whoring yourself out for jobs. We are metaphorically standing on the street corners waving our purses looking for any takers to abuse us, harm us, put us in danger, just for a few dollars. We are not just whores to the industry, we are cheap five dollar whores. That's like a step down from your normal prostitutes.

Ask any union thug, and they fight hard for decent wages, decent benefits, and on the job safety, things corporations fight even harder back at avoiding. Things corporations would have to put up with if they were located any where else in the world. And how do they do it? They have friends in high places. State officials, government inspection authorities, all of them protect their customers better than any pimp on the block. Some do it for the money, some do it for the votes, and some do it out of sheer ignorance.

The only way we have to fight these corporate bastards are the lawsuits. If someone sues them, don't bitch at them and treat them like they are abusing the system for a free dime. They are trying to save your ass by fighting the system to make sure your water is safe to drink.

The other way we can fight... A. vote in smarter people who care. B. give them hell to make sure they are doing their jobs looking out for you over the corporations. Shit, this country treats corporations like they are the citizens and the people like they are second rate citizens mooching off the system (yeah that means you too you Republicans, you too are moochers asking for wages and benefits in exchange for labor). It's bassackwards, and part of that is your fault (as well as mine).

And it's not just the water. All the plants in the area put their workers at unnecessary risks to save a few dollars (while blowing a lot of it on bonuses for the assholes putting the employees at risk). They constantly get out of inspections, pay off inspectors, get through inspections... Cancer is higher in this area. As well as allergies and sinus infections. These plants are always dumping stuff into the environment, whether air or water, that make all of us wonder, that stink up the whole town for a few days, that makes the water kind of glow in the dark... Most people I know wouldn't dare swim in the Ohio River because the water is that nasty from the stuff being dumped in it.

I honestly don't want any new plants out here if they don't intend to follow safety regulations. If they don't intend to offer any sort of corporate responsibility whatsoever. We already drink water that is questionable. We already breathe air that is questionable. It has to stop at some point.

It is time we grow up and be responsible for our air, our water, and our own health. Anyone who stands up for these corporations are pissing in their children's beds and making them sleep in it.

FOR UPDATED INFORMATION on the crisis, including a map showing where the water ban is lifted and where it isn't, and tips for safely flushing your water, visit WSAZ. 


Elk River leak included another chemical
The chemical that leaked into the water was a vat of CRUDE MCHM plus some PPH, and PPH can cause rashes. They learn about this 12 days after the leak. 

"Dorsey said Southern told him the company previously had been adding the PPH to its Crude MCHM mixture and had stopped doing so. Southern said he didn't realize that the company had resumed adding the PPH to the mixture, Dorsey said."

Thanks guys for the heads up. So glad we waited until everyone is like, "The water is safe now, wait I'm getting a burning rash WTF?" to tell us that. So glad our Environmental Protection people know what's in a vat sitting along the river. Good job guys keep it up. And the President was so doing his job, Murica style, capitalism at its best, with, "I had no idea that chemical was in there until now."  


Oh, the coal mining companies, which according to many of our locals Freedom Industries is NOT a coal mining company so this doesn't include coal mining companies, oh wait it does because they have been tainting our water for decades. 

"Stanley says he lost his job after a conflict with management, when he, as union president, demanded an inquiry into certain chemicals that were being used in the mine. He claims that mine workers, particularly electricians and pinners, were getting sick."

"An Environmental Protection Agency assessment last year identified 132 cases where coal-fired power plant waste has damaged rivers, streams and lakes, and 123 where it has tainted underground water sources, according to an AP investigation by Dina Cappiello and Seth Borenstein. Nearly three quarters of the 1,727 coal mines in the U.S. have not been inspected in five years to see if they are following water pollution laws, according to the same investigation, which cites these and other alarming findings about coal pollution."

I kind of already knew this. We had the C8 incident. I am not stupid. I'm aware that the odds of something like tainting the water in this state, for it to go public, is probably 1 in every exorbitant number of incidents. I worry about my own water now, we are so far at we randomly try to light it on fire to make sure it's safe. I think I'm going to have to Google how to test my water and properly filter it so I know what I'm drinking. I hope it's in a YouTube video.

Anyway, since I wrote this blog post, while I'm updating, I sent Senator Joe Manchin the following Facebook message in response to his Clean Water Act he's proposing...

The water they are declaring safe is far from safe. Erin Brockovich is the only one giving out decent advice on the subject, like shouldn't our government officials be using her expertise to help? We can't ensure that our government can respond to emergency situations. Are you going to add that to your plan? Maybe give more of that responsibility to our National Guard because nobody knows readiness better than our National Guard and military.
Meanwhile Freedom declared bankruptcy, but we all know they are far from broke. This is to protect assets from all the law suits. When Kennedy was arrested, he told everyone about the property these guys have overseas, like how do we get that into that pie? And Erin Brockovich brought up a great point, when do we start placing criminal charges for things like this? Because the law suits are fining them for you, and they are ducking as much of it as possible, much like they ducked the notification of the public, the safety of the water, the upkeep of their own assets, and all accountability for it... And fining them won't change it much because your fines are cheaper than them adhering to your policy. There should be no fines. You either do it, or you shut down all operations. That is what it should be.
IN addition, why does your plan say above ground facilities? The coal mines underground can do the same thing. If you care about your miners, you would put in policy designed to protect them, not their bosses. Who do you represent? The people or the corporations? Because last time I checked, corporations don't get to vote.
And who is going to police the police in your protection act?
"Officials with the West Virginia Department of Environmental Protection have said they visited the storage facility as recently as 2012 to check on reports of the licorice odor associated with MCHM, but found nothing amiss. Randy Huffman, the department’s chief, has stressed during local television interviews, though, that as far as his agency is concerned, MCHM isn’t “hazardous” and doesn’t require any sort of special permitting. From Bloomberg Businessweek"
They were just there. MCHM was in the water and they didn't notice last year. How long have our people been drinking this? We don't know. How sad is that we don't know? Are we going to hold Randy Huffman accountable for that? Or is their policy getting in the way of him doing his job?
And must we stop at water? We can choose to not drink the water. What about the air? When this happens to the air, what are we supposed to do? Hold our breath for the 2 weeks it takes for everyone to get their crap together? Are you guys going to send in FEMA to distribute gas masks for those who survived the 3 days it took them to get here? Don't wait for that disaster to strike to do anything about it. Show some initiative and put an environmental safety act all the way around.
I met a lot of interesting people campaigning for [a mutual friend]. I know the type of people you are stuck dealing with and their insecure, power seeking agendas, and I know the pressure you get from even your own association to raise funds. I am so sorry you put up with all that for our sake, but don't let it be in vain. Use your time you have where you are to put something in there that will protect your future generations. A legacy. That's something corporate greed can't buy you. There is no money in environmental protection to donate to your campaign, but someone has to do it. Someone has to be the grown up here.
Meanwhile, put some pressure on our governor to stop blaming the counties for things he's doing. Keep the water distribution centers going until this is all over. And we need to find a better way to clean the flushed water so that people can shower without having to smear themselves down with hydrocortisone cream afterwards. And we need to extend the warning for the "safe" water from just pregnant women to pregnant women and children. There are pediatricians telling them to do that, and they are ignoring the pediatricians. Are any of these politicians capable of performing surgery on a 5 year old? I didn't think so. They need to listen to the experts in the field. I can't tell if the problem is nobody knows what to do so they are avoiding it more than I avoid housework, or if their pockets are too thick with Freedom Industries' assets that it's cutting off the blood circulation to their brain... Or maybe they've been drinking the water and its affected brain function. Either way, our state officials dealing with it appear very incompetent to the public. Your act needs to address that as well.
Thank you so much for reading all this. I wish you the best.

And what is the clean water act thing he's proposing? Chemical Safety and Drinking Water Protection Act

Another great article...

Behind West Virginia’s Massive Chemical Spill, A History Of Poverty And Pollution

"“Freedom Industries should be held accountable, but that won’t fix the problem,” Angie Rosser, executive director of the West Virginia Rivers Coalition in Charleston, wrote in the Charleston Gazette. “That’s because the Elk River spill wasn’t an isolated accident. It was the inevitable consequence of weak regulatory enforcement over many years, made possible by our collective failure to uphold the values we profess.”

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Sunday, January 12, 2014

Shower Confessions of the Not so Hot and Steamy

Over at More than Cheese and Beer, she does a weekly Sunday Confessions. This week's topic: Things I Do in the Shower. 

First off, I should confess. I don't shower much anymore. I became a mom, and I did good for years to shower enough, but somewhere between losing my mind and losing my sanity, I got in a funk and I struggle to do anything I'm supposed to do like the dishes, laundry, pick up the house, etc. And that includes taking a shower, bleaching my mustache, removing unwanted hairs, doing a pedicure, and, well, hmmm, everything else I can think of seems to fall under the category of removing unwanted hairs. I remove a lot of unwanted hairs. And when it comes to peeling my ass off a seat and crossing something off the overwhelming to-do list, I usually end up cleaning the house instead of cleaning myself because the house is a more obvious mess. So with that said, some days I "shower" by drenching my head in hair spray (it smells as good as shampoo), putting on deodorant, and dousing myself in perfume. Sometimes I go really crazy and brush my teeth.

I mean I do shower, and much more frequently than I remove unwanted hairs, but it's just not like I used to, I mean not like I did before I had kids. I think maybe it's possible I just got used to showering like the earlier years of the children, described in an old post here... You should read that old post when you're done with this one. I have a Mommy Field Hygiene guide in there. That is much more useful and realistic than any of the teasers you see on the cover of a magazine.

So the few times I'm in the shower, these are things I do:

1. Scrub it. Of course I'm not showering when I scrub the shower down, but I do get in the shower to do it. I used to shower and scrub the shower at the same time, like clean the shower naked real quick, and then take one. I haven't done that lately because it's only for quick scrub downs, cleaning a clean shower, and my shower is never clean enough to do it that way anymore. I should add, it's not disgusting either because I can't shower in a disgusting shower. 

2. Sing, "Ain't nobody dope as me I'm just so fresh so clean..." And sometimes, "nu nunu nunu nunu nu can't touch this..." 

3. I hate to confess this because it's so personal, but I do, sometimes get in the mood, and you know, use Herbal Essence shampoo. I don't always scream like the girl in the commercial... ok I never do, the product is false advertising. 

4. Stick my wet boobs on the shower curtain and look at the print left behind. I haven't done that in a while, and I won't do it when the shower curtain needs changed (I never clean the shower curtain, I just change it up). Since I always buy clear shower curtains, I should do that some time when the husband is taking a crap next to me and see if he notices. You know. Romance. 

5. Make my tummy talk. Grab the fat and smoosh it to make it talk like a puppet. It says things like, "You a sexy beast." 

6. Watch my fat wiggle. And my boobs sometimes. I'm already dancing to, "Ain't nobody dope as me I'm just so fresh so clean..." Things wiggle when I do that, and I kind of like looking at it. Especially my butt. 

7. Pray. Yeah I didn't mean to juxtapose prayer with Outkast and fat jiggles, but I do pray a lot in the shower. It's my alone time, where I just hear the water running, and I'm bare. Naked. Like something about that is very symbolic to how I feel. 

8. Shave. I guess a lot of women use shaving cream, I don't. I don't use soap either (not for shaving, like I use soap to wash myself). I just shave in the water. I generally also shave my legs standing up, so I stretch too at the same time. It's like yoga and showering at once. Productive huh?

9. Ok, one I'm really embarrassed to share, but I think all women do this and it's about time we go public with this. And it's so embarrassing when my husband peeps in the curtain while I'm in the middle of this ritual. Every shower, I remove the hair from my butt and crotch, not butt hair. Hair from my head that washed down my back for the crack of my ass to catch. If you don't remove it, you are talking like future rug burn and awkward sex.

10. I take hot and steamy showers, so that means I'm usually the first to die in a horror movie, supposedly. I know you all are thinking, "She's naked, unarmed, vulnerable, and can't see through that steam..." Bull shit. I'll fuck him up with some soap in the eye and then shove the shower hose down his pants and turn it on, no no not hot water, I'm much more sadistic than that. Cold water. And while his manhood is shriveling up, I'd go arm myself because killing a bad guy is so much easier than loading all the children in the car to drive them to safety.