You're Such a Troll

Annie, my 4 year old girl, will argue with you like this. "Mommy open this." You open it, and then she responds, "I wanted to open it. Now I don't want it. I'm never playing ever again because of you."

That has nothing to do with the post. It was just cute.

Trolls lurk under many bridges and in many dark corners of the internet. I, fortunately, haven't had too many trolls simply because I'm not famous enough to get them by the bulk (it's cheaper that way I hear), but some of my friends are.

The sad thing is, I hate to admit this here and now, I can be a troll, and the ugliest troll you've ever seen, with a puss seeping wart on my nose. You probably are too. It's ok. Think back to the moment of ironic hypocrisy you displayed somewhere, whether you were judging someone for being too judgmental, or you were calling someone an asshole in the most assholish way possible, or maybe you preached about Christ's love and charity for the world in the paragraph you wrote about how poor people don't deserve hand-outs. Somewhere along the way, I'm almost certain you exhibited troll like behavior. Why? Because underneath all the civilized, hairless human skin dwells a savage beast in all humans. We are still civilized, don't get me wrong. Instead of just peeing on top of someone else's pee like the alpha beast, we spew venom in the form of hateful words.

The reason I want you to admit that you have trolled through the park at some point in your life... Go ahead. I triple dog dare you. Say it. I was a troll once. It was a dark moment in my day, when I was at a 5-dollar-hooker level low, when the things I would have done for a Klondike Bar are things I did for pleasure... Admit it. The reason I want you to admit this is admitting is the first step toward recovery.

Now that you admitted to it, I triple dog dare you to infinity to challenge yourself to edit your posts. Every time you comment, whether you said, "LOL" or "You're suck a fucking cunt," (because you can't troll without a good old fashioned typo) go back and edit it so that you remove all insults. You remove all name calling. And you do one of the following...

Print out this image and Post It
(get it? Post it?) near your computer.

1. Does the person really deserve a good bollocking? Then replace the mainstream name calling with something much more creative and profound that will surely go over their head to where they might like your insult.

2. Does the person really deserve a good bollocking? Probably not. Ok. Just replace the negative shit with positive shit. Instead of dwelling on what they did wrong, dwell on something they did right. Remind yourself, we are all flawed and imperfect, and that's ok.

3. Is your post funny? Cmon now. Make it funny. Laughter is the best medicine for sadness and it can temporarily relieve asshattery.





Now that I challenged you to this, I challenge myself as well, but not until after I tell you about this post where I trolled the trolls in the name of public shaming and pimping out awesome blog posts with trolled negativity. Check out my examples of some awesome trolling at The Publishing Blogger's Network.