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Dribbles and Grits to Crumpets and Bollocks: December 2012

Dribbles and Grits to Crumpets and Bollocks

Dribbles and Grits to Crumpets and Bollocks: December 2012

Monday, December 31, 2012

This year I resolve to make better resolutions...

Resolution. Say that enough times and it sounds like a cleaning product. Like "To remove the stain, just dip the shirt in a 40 proof resolution and let it sit for a year." Isn't that what we normally metaphorically do anyway? Like in my experience and observations, New Year's is a time where we get really shitty drunk, dream a wish list of what we'd like to do with our bad selves this year, and really do very little to achieve it. Some people might have a little guilt over it, but most people I don't think feel it, the guilt, for not following through... I don't.

Honestly think about most people's resolutions. Who the fuck wakes up thinking, "God, I really really SUPER BAD more than sex want to pay off my debts?" Most of the time, they just want financial stability and are trying to take the most responsible route thinking it will get them there. Who really wants to diet? "Oh, let me deprive myself of my most favorite foods because..." No wonder diets don't work. Nobody wants to do that. We just want to feel pretty. Or maybe boost confidence. Or maybe improve our health. Most people's resolutions suck. So do mine. Mine suck big hairy donkey balls. I don't get much accomplished with it, and what little I do is very slow moving, like I'm constantly living in the "instant replay" state.


I decided to look up resolution's definition (even though I really do know what it means), and I got this on the top of Google.


  1. A firm decision to do or not to do something.
  2. A formal expression of opinion or intention agreed on by a legislative body, committee, or other formal meeting, typically after taking...

decision - determination - resolve - solution

Basically, it's a DECISION
And here I thought they were more like the objectives at the beginning chapter of a textbook

Another definition of resolution (copied and pasted from about.com) is also "a measurement of the output quality of an image, usually in terms of samples, pixels, dots, or lines per inch.... High resolution would be an image intended for print, generally having 300 samples per inch or more. Low resolution refers to images only intended for screen display, generally having 100 pixels per inch or less." My guess is you go lower resolution for screen display because it's less memory and faster loading.

Basically here it's a MEASUREMENT


So back to resolutions, usually I am the type to NOT make any on New Years. I seem to like to make mine every other month. Even worse, I drag the hubs into it most of the time. But I guess that's actually a good thing, talking about family goals as a family and working to achieve them as a family... I think doing them regularly through the year gives you a better chance of getting them done because you are constantly re-approaching the subject.

Yeah some of my resolutions are selfish ones. Personal resolutions. I look in the mirror and think, "I'm getting too skinny, I need to gain 10 pounds," and then another time I'll look in the mirror and think I should lose 10 pounds (like now). Sometimes I say, "I want to read this book." That one I usually don't get to do. Others include, "I'm going to cuss less, clean more, be more positive, try new sexual things on the hubs..."

Then there's the relationship ones. These ones are usually more a Honey Do Resolution List. For some strange reason when I think about the shit that needs to be done to improve my relationship, I can ONLY think of the things the hubs needs to do. Now to be fair, I do sometimes SOMETIMES ask him if there's anything he'd like me to work on. These usually aren't big deals to do, but a big deal to me that they aren't done, things like, "Listen to me when I talk to you, don't spend big purchases behind my back, don't lie to me..." His is usually the same thing for me, which he only had the balls to flat out say it once, "Stop being such a bitch." Okay, I can work on that, IF you give me what I want.

Then there's the family ones. This is the bulk of our regular resolutions in my household. These are things like the children's health (things that aren't life threatening, and we want to make sure it never will be), their education outside of the school, cleaning the house, and the big one. THE BIG ONE. Money. Saving, Spending, WISHING...


Okay, so while it's awesome I'm sitting here making resolutions every month to where all I have to be concerned about on the New Years is the drinking part, there are some flaws to this.

My long term goals and the big picture often get overlooked. I know what I should be doing, but do I really ever think about where I want to be in 5 years? I have a hard time with this usually because in 5 years, I don't know what kind of person I'm going to be. It's hard to make decisions for your future self, especially when you are a very unpredictable person with an even more unpredictable life.

Example, 4 years ago from this day, I had 2 kids and not 3. My husband had a good job, and then he got laid off and nothing after that was decent until they were able to hire him back. I was also thinking about leaving him, on a very serious level. In fact, 4 years ago to this time, my New Years Eve was spent as follows...

My husband never cooks. His sister was staying long term with us. She's an evil bitch cunt whore. I was unaware of this at the time. They decide they wanted to attempt dinner. Fine. Please. With 2 kids who don't sleep and the sleep nazi husband (he literally would never let me sleep and actually believed when he was sleeping that I was too so then I must be sleeping too much to want to nap during the day too, even though that nap was my sleep FOR the 24 hour day), I needed a nap. I don't know what they did, but every pot and pan was dirty. They at some point used a blender without the lid, for what I'm not sure. What did they make? Chicken. Baked Chicken and a pasta salad.

Now I had 12 drumsticks in the freezer. They decided to only make 6 of them. Six drumsticks to feed 3 adults and 2 children. I didn't get any chicken because the one piece they left for me, one of the kids wanted it. So I try the pasta salad. I got me a very small serving, like enough to fork out 5 bites. The kind of serving you would serve yourself at a dinner party of important people you really are trying to impress. It was actually delicious. I wanted a regular helping after that, and my husband says to me, "Um, I need that for work tomorrow."

So I left the house pissed. Don't deny me food. I cooked for his ass giving him the big piece of meat for years. The ONE time he cooks, I'm not allowed any? And worse part was, NOTHING was open. I couldn't get a McDonalds cheeseburger or anything because New Year's Eve. So I drove about a half hour north on the interstate to my town, met my friend and got shitty drunk. I wanted to cheat on my husband that night, but I couldn't find a guy I could stomach taking home with me. So instead, I got really drunk and I didn't get home until like 8 or 9 AM because I had to sober up sleeping on my friend's sofa. I tried very hard to make it sound like I could have been cheating. He didn't seem to care. I also emphasized that I got drunk so fast because I was drinking on an EMPTY STOMACH.

So yeah, I was thinking about leaving him. Over a lot of things but the food was the last straw. I actually started saving for it, and that's the money we lived off of when he got laid off. Then I was pregnant with the third kid, who I think God is her father and not my husband, like the Immaculate Conception of the Whore, but either way, that kind of made me stuck with him and he's actually improved since this to where I'm glad I did.
Now 5 years ago, he had just separated from the military with no job (beginning of December 5 years ago). We did that on purpose because I was 9 months pregnant, 4.5 cm dilated, when he separated and we lost Tricare that day. They are not an insurance but a military entitlement, so they didn't have to cover the rest of that pregnancy. The only way we were going to do it was medical card, and being married, any job would have interfered with that. Of course, I had the baby and he was looking for work. It took about 2 months to find a job, and then a month later his unemployment from the military would have finally kicked in had he not had a new job by then. Bastards. Anyway, we were very broke. Plus the moving expenses of everything going wrong that could possibly go wrong and Christmas had us into the negative broke. Our resolutions during that time was simply to find a job and move to a nicer place. Financial Stability. I think that's something every person dreams of having.

Like the difference between 5 years ago and now is a lifetime. How could I fucking possibly plan for 5 years from now? Would we be in a better position now had I thought about it 5 years ago? Probably not. Like what's the point? Well the point is some day I'd really like to own my own house I built on my property, some day, and maybe have some chickens and a horse, and maybe a goat, and I totally want to travel with the kids. That's NEVER going to happen unless I work 5 to 10 years (and then some) on achieving that, and a solid plan, very focused. Otherwise, it's just a dream I mention on a regular basis as something we need to focus on.

My other flaw to my resolutions, I don't plan for the unknown enough. We keep a spare tire because we expect the flat. To an extent, all my plans always expect things to go wrong. BUT things always go wrong and to a level of extreme chaos. Crazy shit that nobody could see coming. Is it this shitty economy? Maybe. Or maybe it's the curse of Angelina from high school. Or my family curse when ancestors pissed off Ireland (I still need to research that) and fled to the states to save their life (according to rumors). Either way, I think a lot of times we resolve to follow through with a plan, a poorly laid out plan, and then we wonder why we didn't follow through, or things didn't work out the way we expected. At least I tend to do that. I need to think deeper about what I really want and to word my shit in a way to focus on what i really want. Then develop more than one plan to achieve it because I need more room for flexibility. A versatile resolution.

A resolution is supposed to be a decision, usually something we resolve to do or not do. A decision to VERB. But, it's also a measurement in computer world. A measurement of output, the RESULTS. I think from now on, I'm going to focus on results. I make decisions daily, including decisions to do shit I don't want to do. I don't need to resolve to do that. I need to focus.

So this year's New Year Resolution for me is simply to make better resolutions. Focus on what I really truly want as opposed to focusing on a plan I think will get me there. Then create not one plan to get me what I want, but like 3 of them, and take the worst plan and make that Plan A because Plan A never works. Then take the best one and make that Plan C because third time is a charm. Of course, don't get attached to the plan. Stay attached to the purpose. 

I think the trick is to be honest with yourself. Are these things really what YOU want or what you think others want?  What exact RESULT do you really want, and are there other ways to get there? Better ways to get there?

1. Lose Weight  Find beauty in my own self and stop giving a fuck what other people think
2. Be a Better Wife  Build self-confidence
3. Clean my House More Change things around so I don't have to clean all the damn time
4. Spend more time with my children Spend more QUALITY time with my children
5. Create a Savings Have a financial back-up plan.
6. Pay off debts Reduce financial worries

7. What am I going to do? What do I really want? Now, what are some different ways to get that?

So instead of saying, "Lose Weight," I would say, "Feel Beautiful." Losing weight would be Plan C to get there, and as I think of other plans, I probably would shift it to Plan A because that's probably the worst plan to get you what you really want, so stick that one in the one you intend to let fail.

January 1, 2013 Resolutions the VERB:
1. Make better resolutions
2. Drink alcohol on New Year's Eve
3. Eat pork and cabbage on New Year's Day
4. Get laid somewhere through all that

As far as my real resolutions, I'm still working on that list. Maybe this time it won't change month to month as life happens because I still will want it every month until it's crossed off the list.

I bid you adieu with this New Year's Tip: Avoid New Year's hangover by not drinking so much New Years Eve; I'm kidding, I could barely type that with a straight face. Just take some Motrin at some point before you pass out (use the bottle's recommended dosage).

Don't Drink and Drive. Now that's a DECISION that can save lives and prevent shit from happening.

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Friday, December 28, 2012

My Zombie Apocalypse Experience

I had this awful, vivid dream last night. I was debating on even posting about it at all to begin with. I ended up posting it on Insane in the Mom-Brain's Facebook page because she's into this sort of thing, but then I decided by the time I finished, it could be a blog post, and it's worthy of coming back to in the future to read. So I'm blogging it too.

Well while Insane in the Mom-Brain was busy getting famous with Yo Flakes (talking snow flakes who didn't melt, like the California Raisins but snowy), I was killing zombies. It was like I was a character in a bad movie that had a never ending supply of sequels to it. I think I just put in 5 years of service here in one night.

My first zombie apocalypse team was the Scooby Doo team. None of them made it. Fred was the first to die actually, and Velma was the last. Shaggy and Scooby did die together.

My second team was a bunch of students and an old pastor from a church. The football player who wanted to join the Marine Corps was the only one to make it. He was really dumb, but he had a big heart. It was really sad too because there was this little strawberry blond girl in love with a black boy, and he loved her but they were broken up and didn't get back together because they are stupid teenagers too scared to talk about it. I got really close to that girl before she disappeared. The boy didn't make it when his twin brother showed up and started beating him up right in the middle of a bunch of zombies. 

Anyway, then, we (football player dude and I) were just loners bouncing from group of people to group of people protecting them and using some of their stuff. 

Few things I learned from this experience. 

1. Zombies smell really bad. Kind of like the smell of the gynecologist's office mixed with a meat packing plant mixed with decaying flesh. Like take the smell of changing your pad on that time of the month and amplify it a thousand times to give you a sense of potency and stench of zombies. Really super gross when you get pieces of zombie on you as you're killing them. Even worse, it's like bleach. You get near it, and the stench sticks to your nose hairs, snot and tastebuds for hours. Nobody wants a zombie apocalypse for this reason alone. Trust. Me.

2. Zombie worms taste better when eaten while they are still alive, but don't let them get in your hair. 

3. The Air Force is an awesome friend in the case of a zombie apocalypse, up until the point they all become zombies. Knowing how to operate their equipment would be a fabulous thing to know, like how to fly a bomber and blow up shit. 

4. You definitely want stuff that can fly. Besides the obvious, crossing bridges full of zombies suck. Fly over the terrain.

5. A time machine is also useful. While you will send your own family back in time to a safer place, you will still go time traveling to try to find out what started the whole thing and try to stop it for your future generations.

6. Every time it rains or snows, shit always happens. 

7. Never trust the old minister. They are the first to go insane, like we are all going to die anyway let's get maniacal about it and make people die insane.

8. I think I might of gotten the 2 year old's dream last night by accident and that scares me that she might have dreams like this. 

9. I'd very much rather kill noravirus and Christmas mess than zombies. I have a new found respect for boring.

10. If there was ever a zombie apocalypse, I will never survive the mental stress unless my main goal is to chase and kill them as opposed to run from them. 

11. Most teenagers in my dream seemed to be more upset that they were running out of marijuana than they were about the zombies trying to eat them, and that makes me sad because I think it would be that way in real life. 

12. Never forget to fill up gas during daylight hours.

13. Speaking of gas, dreams about zombies give me gas. Wretched, crampy painful gas.

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Thursday, December 27, 2012

A tribute to the Fuck Word and the Fucking Monkey Business that Makes it Bad

This isn't just about the fuck word though, but I'm going to start off about the Fuck word.

The fuck word is awesome and I'll tell you why.

1. It's my favorite activity. It really is fun. If you haven't tried it, don't say shit about it.

2. It's where babies come from. Actually mother fuckers are where babies come from.

3. The Bible in no way is against it. In fact, it's all for it. It's all about pro-creating and guess what that means? It's all about fucking and making children.

4. It scares away religious nut jobs. I keep a couple FUCK pictures (pics of the word, not the actual activity) in my public photos on Facebook just for that reason. I wouldn't want to give people the misconception that my Facebook profile is rated G. I talk about a lot of adult topics such as parenting, politics, religion, and relationships. If you can't handle the word FUCK, then you can't handle the level of intellect and substance required to have a conversation with me.

5. It rhymes with Luck, and suck...

6. The word is very multi-purpose

7. There's really no bad way to use the word fuck, like being called a fucker just means you get laid a lot, which is very good for your psyche.

8. It goes well with alcohol, another thing I love.

9.  Spankings are sometimes involved.

10. Because I fucking like it.  

Now cuss words, all together, I don't understand what the big fuss is about. They are just words. In math, they'd be just numbers. For instance, Fuck in binary code looks like 01100110011101010110001101101011. Now if I said 01100110011101010110001101101011 me, would you damn me to hell? You can't recognize it unless it's in English can you? Doesn't that clue you into that it's just letters making a sound?

I don't get why it's always the religious people against it. Again, it's an English word. The Bible was written in Hebrew and Greek. The word didn't fucking exist back then. Hell, our alphabet didn't exist back then. Words that would translate to the fuck word or any synonym of the word such as sex, copulation, fornication... was used frequently in the Bible. So and so and so and so Beget this person. Well that's just another way of saying, "so and so fucked so and so and out spawned this person." And then there's these stories from Cracked.com... The 6 Raunchiest, Most Depraved Sex Acts (From the Bible). Yep. the Bible has a lot of Fucking going on in it. In fact, I'd say the book should be rated R between the violence and the fucking.

And bad words? Do words have souls? No they don't. While it would be ironic if the word damn actually did make it to hell, it won't because it doesn't have a soul. Words are designed to only have the meaning you give them. They are TOOLS. Only you can choose to use ANY WORD in a good way or a bad way. Trust me, I can insult the piss out of someone without using one bad word. The one that seemed to be most effective is I talked about this girl to her boyfriend/my friend with the girl there and was like, "I'm so glad you got a new lap dog. I personally can't stand those yippee dogs that bark constantly. Have you taught it any tricks yet? Roll over and play dead would be a good one to teach it...." I basically just said, "I'm so glad you found yourself a bitch." Is it any nicer without the cuss words? No. It's actually more mean that way. Obviously, if you read the cracked article, anyone can turn something awesome like fucking into something nasty, like incest. It's not the fuck word that made them do it. Wine and veils were their excuse. But really, there are some bad words which I'll get to in a minute...

Does anyone know who deemed these words bad words? That whole "fornication under consent of king" and other variations is bull shit. That didn't happen. Nobody knows. I've already googled the subject. I can only assume that the poor had a vocabulary the rich chose not to use in order to sound like they are better people than the poor. You know what? Fuck you snobs. Fuck you for real because you just fucking removed half of the best part of our language from your vocabulary with your snobby ways, so yeah, karma is an instant bitch.

Now I'm not all for little kids cussing. For whatever reason, brainwashing by society, it irks me.
I call cuss words "bad manner words," and my kids aren't to use them around adults. Any place you wouldn't fart without saying excuse me is a place where you don't cuss, and if you do by accident, you excuse yourself. And I tell them they WILL get in trouble saying them in front of teachers at school. Judge me all you want, but I'm doing it right. Now racial slurs and words designed to degrade a group of people you are not intending to insult such as fat or gay, now those are actually bad words you never use. Why are they bad words? Because there's really no way to use them without hurting someone's feelings, and it's usually someone you didn't intend on hurting their feelings. Of course, people like Westboro have no problem insulting groups of people like all homosexuals because they hate all homosexuals. The KKK has no problem using the n-bomb. Of course both are hate groups.

If only more parents put some thought into their shit, we wouldn't have this problem because kids just want to insult each other, and at times almost have to for basic survival, and if they can't say "You are a stupid twat," because mom and dad are going to freak out, they come out with, "You are fat faggot" because those aren't bad words to too many people. One of my nephews started calling people "Cuban" as a way to say the word "Stupid," because he wasn't allowed to call people stupid. I put that to a stop fast. I then taught him Shakespearean insults. You can't get better than Shakespeare's insults. Plus, you can't get in trouble at school for quoting him. My favorite one is, "Your virginity breeds mites much like a cheese."

But there is something definitely wrong with our society when it's common to call people fat, a word designed to make someone feel bad about their weight (which isn't always something so easy to control because if it were, they'd be as skinny as you) but we have issues calling people something they choose to be like douche bag or asshole or twatwaffle. And for society to deem "mother fucker" a bad word. Fuck that. Mother fuckers are awesome people. As a mother, I can vouch.

You want to know what it is? What it truly really is? Monkey Business...

Stolen from a friend named Brian....

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while another monkey makes the attempt with same result, all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put the cold water away. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. the newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomertakes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that is the way it has always been done around here.

And that, my fellow monkeys, is how policies form………

And I found this reference for the same story... http://www.life-hack.co.uk/2014/03/the-experiment.html

This is why cussing is wrong. Monkey Business. Is it actually wrong? Probably not. It's a society thing. Man-made, just like the words themselves.

What I sometimes do is tell religious fanatics who judge me for my vocabulary that the word "THE" is actually a satanic symbol. Let's see them try to communicate without an important word like they try to do me. Then I follow it with, "You are fucking fabulous bitch."

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Wednesday, December 26, 2012

My super crazy violent sex dream about Obama

This was my post today on my friend's Facebook page. I don't want it to get lost in a newsfeed, like I want to be able to find it again and read it again another day, so I'm blogging it too.

Warning, it's crazy.... It was one of those dreams that eventually morphed where the whole thing changes and I'm not sure how. But the beginning part I was Obama's girlfriend. He and I would sneak off into rooms and it was just assumed naughty things happened though they didn't actually happen. Most of the dream was us two flirting very badly with each other, like think of the cheesiest pick up lines imaginable, and we were using that. 

Then these women, big burly women with incredibly long hair, 3 of them, they looked like the wicked step sister off of Shrek, including man voices, well they started shooting at everyone. No one was injured. I helped this old lady maid on the basement sneak people up a bunch of flights, like the White house had like 37 floors to it in my dream, to a different floor, a safe floor, through some secret maid thing in the public bathroom, like a laundroshoot going down to a public bathroom. 

Then I found Barack and he and I fled the scene for his protection, like I was his secret service body guard. I'm trying to find some weapon to have because secret service bodyguards usually carry weapons right? We were somewhere on a street in a building getting ready for a press conference about the violent women when it dawned on me, there's an Army Guard Armory across the street. 

So we go over there so I can obtain an M16. I tell the dude I'm a vet and with Presidential orders, he hands me an M16 and I request 5 mags and some ammo. He's like "really? 5 mags to shoot 3 targets? And you think you'd qualify with that?" I'm like "Dude, give me a break. It's been years since I've been in and I have to pee." Then I looked at Obama and was like, "Would it by any chance affect our friendship whatsoever if you were aware that I totally peed myself just to hit the bad guys?" He's like, "No it wouldn't in the slightest." Isn't he nice? Then it dawned on me, they had a bathroom in the armory, so I grabbed the 5 mags to fill in the bathroom while I went. They were like, "You still need 5?" I was like, "I'm about to pee like Austin Powers after a deep freeze, I need something to do." 

So then I fill them up, I go on the street and find a great position because I knew the bad crazy manly women were about to turn the corner. I lay down on my tummy because I shoot best from that position. 

Then the dream skips forward where it totally turned around and I'm talking to the media. I did save the day I guess. But the media wasn't interested in that. They were interested in my relationship with Obama. I was swearing we didn't have anything shy of a professional relationship. Then I was like "Think about it people. You are so quick to assume things. Who have I been cooking with? Gardening with? Helping her pick out her clothes for every major function? My romantic relationship was not with Barack, but Michelle the whole time. Duh." 

Then it was a big deal, like is it actually cheating for two married women to be together? Where's the line drawn with "best friends?" 

That was my dream. I hope the secret service finds this message, reads it to the President, and they all laugh and invite me to some major event that's invite only where I can meet these people, just for the awkwardness now. Since that won't happen, I hope you laugh because I woke up LMAO.

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Friday, December 21, 2012

The dirty Grinch Bastard

So I guess someone did steal some of my Christmas gifts, twice. Mixed emotions here. Of course, at first I didn't think anyone stole anything. I assumed I'm a ding bat who misplaced shit. I'm actually quite OCD about my Christmas gift planning. I don't exactly have binders like my friend who is really OCD, but I have a spreadsheet saved as Christmas/Year. I do spreadsheets for the auto sum option. How I organize it in case anyone is curious to steal the idea?
Something perfectly fine to steal, my OCDish spreadsheet organization:

Christmas 2012

The Kids

Kid A               Kid B                      Kid C

Item A            Item A                    Item A
Item B            Item C                    Item D

Item A            Item B                    Item C
Item D            Item E                    Item F

Item A            Item B                     Item C
Item D            Item D                    Item D

My nephew     Item
My nephew     Item
My niece         Item

My mom        Item
My sister        Item
My grandfather....

Note: Two things I do as I go about this. I type everything out, but if it's in black, I already got it. If it's in gray, It's something I'm thinking about getting. Red, I need to get it. Pink, it's on it's way, being shipped.

Then to the right is where I do my totals. I don't do all my shopping at once from one fund. I take a pay day and grab some things here and there from September to Black Friday while saving for Black Friday. Then I blow my biggest wad on Black Friday and damn near finish my shopping. Then I leave the beginning of December to get caught up/bills, and I do last second shopping the 2 weeks before Christmas (evening out the kids, grabbing for people I still need to buy for, etc.). With that, as the time period changes, so do my budgeting needs. It's a jumbled chaotic mess of numbers and lists to the right of all that.

My OCD actually gets worse while wrapping gifts because I pattern code. It is deeply important to me to make sure the kids have the same amount to open. The kids (with mine only one at a time like this) under 3 are allowed to have more. Some things all 3 have the same exact thing, like this year, all three got their own pillow pet, slushie maker, bubble wand, Nintendo DSi (the big gift), etc. The DSi's are wrapped in the same wrap. The slushies a different wrap all three the same... Then there are those gifts all 3 will probably play with or fight over, but I'm not buying all 3 of them the same thing because it was too expensive to do that just to be fair and they still will fight when one can't find theirs, and I usually have one in mind to open it, so I chunk them, and then I put all thre of their names on it with the kid intended to open it listed first. For example, Easy Bake Oven, Donut Maker, Playdough Food Fun thing... Similar items. Similar size. Each kid opens one. All 3 plays with all 3. That chunk is to be wrapped in the same wrapping paper.

So with all that said, I actually keep an inventory of my items I buy. I usually don't actually check things off as "Black" items until they are at the storage location (usually my mom's house because my kids will find it otherwise, but one year it was a car).

The Story

First, I recently bought some items from the Dollar General. My daughter asked for a touch screen Spiderman game once, and I said no, but I snuck it all ninja like into the purchase to save for Christmas. That had been in the back end of the van for weeks. I forgot about it actually. Then the Christmas party for the school was coming up. I was told by another parent that the school's deal is to buy a toy for the same gender as your child, $5 budget. So I bought something from the Dollar General for that and something for the 2 year old on sale 50% off. (Note: It turns out my kid's class decided to do a book exchange instead of a toy one, so I ended up buying books last second). I threw them in the back of the van. On Sunday, my hubs is getting ready for work, and I want to run out to Walmart before he goes. Van won't start. I go to jump it, but the battery deal wasn't cool. Here's how the parking lot went down...

Now, where the flat bed was, nobody usually parks there. The neighbors were moving OUT.

To get the jumper cables to reach, I ended up pushing the van back and then parked Escape perpendicular to the van in front of it (like an upside down T in this image). Me, by myself, pushed the van. These people just stared at me too while I was doing it.

I couldn't get the hood open on the van again. It was stuck. So I grabbed the husband. Actually, I marched up the stairs all adult like, stomping and stuff, opened the door, screamed, "I could use some mother fucking help," and went back down. The neighbors did have children outside, but in my defense, guess where children come from? Mother Fucking. So the hubs gets the hood open (I thought he broke it actually, but I guess he didn't).

We go to jump it and it doesn't work. I give up. We'll tow it to the mechanic. Sometime at this point, while the hubs was outside, I showed him what all I bought from the Dollar General, accidentally showing the neighbors. Had it been iPads or something, I wouldn't have broadcasted it. I wouldn't have it in the van either. But, 35 bucks worth of shit from Dollar General?

That was Sunday at like 2PM. The hubs left for work. 2 hours later, my mother picks me and the kids up to go have my daughter's birthday party at her house. Then she loans me her car for a few days, so I get home about 10PM. The hubs returned home at midnight. The next morning, Monday, school, my oldest daughter on the way wanted a bottle of water. Knowing I keep a bunch in the back of the van, she opened the hatch and none was there. The Dollar General Stuff wasn't either. I just assumed the husband brought it in. Nope, someone stole 35 bucks worth of Dollar General toys and like 6 bottles of water. They probably took other stuff too that I don't remember being back there.

SECOND, another possible robbing... I bought gifts through September and October. The hubs got a big bonus check when the union FINALLY decided on a contract (after a month long strike). We decided to use what we needed on bills and the rest on Christmas and Back-To-School clothes we didn't buy before school because strike. Well at that point, I thought the 2 year old's eczema might of been dust, and just in case, I bought a Miele vacuum. It was $600. Insane I know. I thought for sure it was dust for a bunch of reasons. I wanted to get her tested, but I couldn't get someone to do it until about a month later to find out not dust, milk and soy. Milk I kind of knew, but soy I didn't. The Miele is the only vacuum out there that seals or something so that it emits zero dust or particles out. It's the best vacuum for allergies (and it makes cleaning a thousand times easier, like you can feel the German awesome in it).

Anyway, when we went to buy the vacuum, we had to travel 3 hours to get to the closest store to get it. In that town (Columbus OH if you want to call it a town) was a Chipotle, which we had for lunch (I love that place), and then a JC Penney Outlet Store. I went shopping. I bought clothes for the kids, pillows for my sofa, some other stuff, and then had the hubs take the kids in the car to wait for me to do a crash throw things in to the cart of toys for Christmas. With that trip, we realized the back end of the van was TOO full of stuff (mainly Christmas gifts).

So when we got home, I asked my mom if I could store the kids' gifts in her garage. Yes. So I drop them off. I probably had 3 BIG bags of stuff from JC Penney Outlet, and then a few Walmart bags. Her garage is cramped. She hoards. The big bags were really out of the way, further into the garage. The Walmart bags, they were close to the door. I also at that point started my spreadsheet black listing the items I did have with a huge gray list going. After Black Friday sales, like a month later, I had another load to dump off. I noticed the bags were less, but I figured my mom had to rearrange the garage to get to Christmas decorations and they were there, somewhere.

Then my middle kid's birthday party hit, the day the van died, and since I didn't make it to Walmart before the hubs went to work to get her a birthday gift, I dove into the Christmas stuff and gave her some things from there (I replaced it. She's not getting any twofers). What I wanted to give her early, I couldn't find. I just assumed I hallucinated the item and grabbed something else.

Today (yesterday) I go there to wrap gifts. It's the hubby's only day off til Christmas. I don't want to be up all night some time in the near future wrapping. I start off with my OCD. I grab everything. Set it out. Stack them in 3's. That's when I noticed shit was missing. So I called the hubs and had him email me the spreadsheet so I can view it from my mother's house. I know EXACTLY what I'm missing. About a hundred dollars worth of stuff, including the item I though I hallucinated.

I called my mom. She didn't move it. Nobody touched it. We looked everywhere in her garage. She made her husband check the storage unit, like maybe someone accidentally took it there, like a man she married, you know how men pay attention though I think he'd notice Dora and Strawberry Shortcake. Nope. We looked all throughout the house even though nobody touched it. No where. I looked all through mine in case I'm hallucinating memories (though that hasn't happened yet, like I forget a lot, but what I do remember is fairly accurate). Nothing here. This is a few things. Like it would be hard to miss. We are talking the Stylin Strawberry Shortcake, the Ballerina Dora, some big box of crafts, a kid's Sewing Machine...

I know it was there now I think about it because I showed my nephew the Ball you sit on and bounce. It wasn't blown up yet, but I showed him how I needed a pump for it. He wanted to see what kind of pump. Not bad for a 12 year old. Kind of responsible of him.

I think someone stole them because they were near the door. That door is usually closed and can't be opened from the outside without the opener, but they open it and leave it open when mowing the lawn or something like that. Anyone walking by could have easily taken those bags and just those, like the only other thing of value within a good reach were golf clubs and the weed eater, unless they wanted a tarp or bins of question mark storage... And the bags would be about the only thing you could grab in a flash because you can hear someone mowing in the back yard or something.

Irony: This is from my mom's house that I just blogged about Black Thursday describing it as a peaceful location with zero crime rate.

My Feelings

Okay, so my initial response (and a part of me) is like, "Well if they stole toys, that's pretty desperate, and I frequently donate to charity, so I guess that was more charity." I mean, to steal toys, that's more desperate than selling your pain pills illegally on the street for Christmas money. I know crackheads who won't steal your toys. You'd have to be pretty desperate for those toys to steal them at all, especially from someone who obviously bought them for their kids. Right?

Then the dark side enters. Read this part SCREAMING in your head all Samuel L. Jacksonish. Who the fuck steals from kids? I mean really? There's fucking charities out there who will hook you up with Christmas if you are too broke. If you aren't broke enough to qualify, you don't need to steal. That's fucked up stealing from other people's children. And to top it off, that crap from the dollar general, they don't seem to have any more of it if I were to replace it. That takes a serious asshole to steal from kids, or another kid, which that I wouldn't be as pissed about as if it were a grown up.

Then there's the territory deal. That is my van. If you aren't riding in it, don't get in it. I mean, people coming up in my shit with their nasty germs and stuff. Fucking annoying. Unless you are some sexy CIA agent spying on me because my IQ might be a threat to some country, you don't need to be up in my shit.

Today is supposed to be the end of the world according to people who misquote and misunderstand the Mayans. Something foul is definitely in the air, but I think it's the distinct odor of Christmas being around the corner. Fucking people. Can we ever be what we advertise to be? I mean Christmas is the time to give, not steal. The time to be jolly and nice, not fuck people over in traffic. Everybody is an asshole this time of year. It's fucking CONTAGIOUS. You think I enjoyed wrapping gifts today? Fuck no. I'm freaking out about making my shit match because I'm missing stuff. Did I let anyone ahead of me in traffic? Fuck no. I'm having one of those days, stay the fuck away from me with your bad driving.

They took more than just those gifts. I let them also have my good attitude and this day off. Just a few days ago, I was wiggling my ass SINGING and DANCING to Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer at Walmart, in front of people. I'm still dancing, just not to Christmas music. I was also supposed to enjoy my husband's day off because that was my day to do Christmas stuff I don't get a chance to do on days he works. Now we've added to my to do list, as I have to go shopping again to make shit fair with the presents, like most of that crap was for the 2 year old so she has nothing but the really cheap shit coming her way. And, I have to do this with money I don't really have, and I'm probably going to lose sleep trying to get everything done in time for Christmas, something that I can't really do because I have neurological issues I'm still battling from the last 5 years I didn't sleep. Like the snow ball effect is fucking me up. Had I figured it out before today, I could have planned a little better for it. No, now we just throw this huge expense on my lap last fucking second because people are fucking selfish assholes....

And then I'm back to, fuck it. It's just material shit. Considering the events of this last weekend, I'm just happy my kids are with me. We may be surrounded by assholes, but at least we are surrounded by assholes together.

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Sunday, December 16, 2012

Facebook Sunday Morning Math Problem

So a friend posted this today, and I think I argued with teacher(s) on it, so now it's a blog. Read it and when you see it on Facebook, you can be all smarty pants, and then when asked to explain, copy and paste my explanation at some point. See? Now you are a smart ass like me. Moving on up in this world ay?

I'm going to share a secret. I'm a math geek, but a shitty one. When I first encountered a problem like this, from a public facebook page, I was in google for hours trying to figure it out. I read a hundred comments. It took me forever to figure it out to where I was confident in my answer, confident enough to post it as my Dribble and Grits page. So when my friend posted it, I already was 3 steps ahead of her friends with the google and hair pulling. I think they are still in google as I type this. Poor things. They should have just took my word for it. So now, maybe Google will find it and you will see this.

One problem. Multiple ways to approach the answer. (Hint: the last one is the best one for people like me).

6 / 2 (1 + 2) = ?

The answer is 9.

1. Following PEDMAS (Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally), you first solve 1+2 to get 3. Parentheses first right? Then you hit multiplication and division left to right so 6/2 is 3 and 3 times 3 is 9.

6 / 2 (1+2)
6 / 2 (3)
3 (3)

2. 6 divided by 2 is a fraction. Many people feel tempted to multiply the parentheses with just the denominator. We don't do that without brackets telling us to otherwise. You multiply fractions with the numerator. If I said half of 6, that's 3 easy right? So let's do it mathematically to get that 3 in this example...

1/2 (6)
1/12 WRONG that's not 3.
6/2 RIGHT that's 3.


6/2 (3)

or better shown visibly...
6/2 x 3/1 = 18/2 = 9

3. Let's have some more fun with word problems and see if it makes any "common sense."

New problem example: If you have 1/2 of a pie and Jesus Christ was able to multiply it 3 times, you would end up with 1.5 pies. 1/2 (3)... Answer 3/2 (or 1.5) not 1/6

So if you have 6 eggnogs divided by 2 bloody marys times 3 hot toddies --- is it 1 drink or 9? The answer is definitely schnockered, and you can't get that from one drink.

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Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Sugar Cookie Dough Recipe As Promised

I decided anyone who can stand reading me and my blog deserves a cookie for outstanding achievement. Since I can't send you all actual cookies over the interwebs, this will have to suffice.

I had used many different recipes for years with sugar cookies. My first favorite recipe came from the big red cook book my mom had. The Good Housekeeping Cookbook. It's the Unicorn Magic Gold Platinum Bible of all cookbooks. She actually had two editions of the same one, and they had one for "Valentines Cookies" or something that I just adored. But, when I started living without access to that cookbook, I tried a bunch of different recipes.

The one I actually like better than the one from the big red book was on a box of something I bought, maybe Almond Cookies. It's delicious. Oddly asks for sour cream. No Vanilla. Weird. AND it's totally a thousand times easier to make than any other recipe I've tried. I generally double the recipe.

Traditional Sugar Cookies

2 Cups Flour
1/4 Teaspoon Salt
1/2 Teaspoon Baking Soda
1/4 Teaspoon Nutmeg
1/2 Cup Butter or Margarine
3/4 Cup Sugar
1/2 Cup Sour Cream

Combine the flour, salt, baking soda and nutmeg. Cream the butter and sugar. Blend in the sour cream; and then the dry ingredients. Chill for 1 to 2 hours. If different cookie colors are desired, you can divide the dough in half at this point and add food coloring to get the effect you want. Roll out the dough until it is 1/2 inch thick on a sugar and floured smooth surface. Cut with the cookie cutter and place on ungreased cookie sheet. Bake at 350 degrees for 8 to 10 minutes, allow more time for air bake pans.

Yield: Apx. 2 dozen cookies.

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Sunday, December 9, 2012

Christmas Cash Bash

It's right in the thick (PC for stink) of the holiday season. A lot of people are crabby and broke. I really am broke thanks to Black Friday sales and my impulsive debit swiping behavior, like I really need to put Dora on my debits cards saying, "Swiper no Swiping". But.... I aim to please! Well actually, My Husband Ate All My Ice Cream aims to please, but unfortunately there's no ice cream involved. What's that you say? You need a little extra cash? Okay! Or how about some Christmas DVDs to keep the kids occupied while you wrap presents? Or bake cookies, not because you are June Cleaver, but because you want to eat cookie dough? We have that too! Not cookie dough. The movies. Okay, I'll give you guys a cookie dough recipe that is totally worth trying, whether you enter this or not. It will be a blog post coming up after the contest.

There will be TWO winners for this mega-awesome giveaway! One will receive $50 delivered via Paypal. The other will receive these 5 DVDs from NCircle Entertainment:
  • “The Cat in the Hat Knows A Lot About Christmas” (NEW) – premiering this fall on PBS, this new DVD was specially-produced to ring in the 2012 holiday season, and features the voice of Martin Short as the Cat. 
  • “Dino Dan 'Twas a Dinosaur" (NEW) - follow the adventures of paleontologist-in-training Dan Henderson as he learns what might have caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, tracks down a Euplocephalus, and gives the poem "The Night Before Christmas" a new spin!
  • "Happy Holidays WordFriends" - a fun and festive DVD from the multiple Emmy Award-winning PBS Kids series, WordWorld, featuring three episodes – The Christmas Star, A Christmas Present for Dog, and Duck’s Family Reunion – plus a bonus music video, Dancing Dog.
  • "It's Always Christmas With You" - the most recent holiday DVD from The Wiggles is a real treat for the entire family, filled with 14 original new tunes and seasonal favorites. The DVD features special celebrity guests (including ‘N Sync’s Joey Fatone) in performances filmed around the globe. 
  • “Puppy Party” - available in fetching holiday packaging, this adorable live-action DVD from Animal Atlas features Milo, the adorable Labrador Puppy, who’s invited over 25 puppy pals to a party! Filled with facts and antics, and an ideal treat for animal lovers young and old.

To enter, all you need to do is follow the instructions in the rafflecopter form below, which pretty much entails liking all the hosts because we are awesome and taste funny! Note: If it doesn't show up, refresh the page. There will be two winners. Every single entry will be verified, to make sure that the person who wins did the work to get the prize. If the entry can not be verified, a new winner will be chosen. The giveaway closes on 12/12/12 at 12AM. Winners will be notified via email, and have 24 hours to respond. If they do not respond within 24 hours, a new winner will be chosen. Open to US residents only.

DRIBBLES AND GRITS received no compensation for this post and is not responsible for prize shipment. For questions, email mrsheatherreese@gmail.com. Also, Dribbles and Grits does not necessarily endorse all the DVD's being offered.

Good luck my luvs and Godspeed.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Just in case, legal disclaimer...

NO WARRANTIES. Dribbles and Grits and/or any person or entity on its behalf expressly disclaims any warranty for the prizes involved in this contest including paypal cash and the DVDs. The prizes are provided "as is" without warranty of any kind, either express or implied, including, but not limited to, the implied warranties or merchantability, fitness for a particular purpose, or noninfringement. The entire risk arising out of use or performance of the prizes remains with you.

NO LIABILITY FOR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES. In no event shall Dribbles and Grits and/or any person or entity on its behalf be liable for any damages whatsoever (including, but not limited to, damages for loss of business profits,business interruption, loss of business information, or any other pecuniary loss) arising out of the use of or inability to use the prizes, even if advised

of the possibility of such damages.

That is my way to legally say, hey, if you win and the DVD skips, I don't have to, by law, get you a new one. I probably will try, so if you do win and the DVD skips, hit me a message and don't be mean. ABOUT ME section tells you how to get a hold of me, and there's a form. Also, I'm not in charge of the prizes and administering them as previously stated. BUT, like I said, if one of my readers wins something, and something goes wrong, let me know. I'll do my best to make things right just because I like my readers. If you can read my crap and still somewhat like me, you deserve a cookie and then some. In which case, I will be supplying a recipe for cookies in a blog post

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Monday, December 3, 2012

Road Rage Stupid People

I posted this as a status on my friend's Facebook page (where I admin) called, "Oh No! Did I Offend You?" Anyway, I realized it was long enough to be a blog post, so I decided to post it here too.

I know there are people who drive when they shouldn't be driving and they have no choice because shit has to get done, no excuses. There have been times where I drove after not sleeping for a few days with a migraine that will knock you on your ass harder than labor pains, and, while I know some of you may argue this, but if you were to witness my superb driving skills under those conditions with
kids screaming and fighting in the back seat, the fact that I haven't gotten into an accident would be enough to make an atheist believe in some higher, unseen power. I don't usually get road rage anymore because of it. I just assume people are too medicated or too tired or just having a shitty day when they drive like shit. But there are just some things that people do that defy all forms of logic.

Today, I was turning left. The green arrow lights up. 5 cars decide to run the red light in my way. I yielded like any normal person would do. Well the bitch behind me wasn't normal. She kept honking at me to go, like I'm supposed to drive into people just because the fucking traffic light gods said it's our right of way. Now that, pisses me off, like I think about how people like her are the reason car insurance rates are high, and then I get into a union "They took our jobs" mentality. I took forever to make my left hand turn out of spite, and I should have kept my happy ass sitting through another cycle of lights making everyone behind me wait because of one cunt-hole bitch.

But then, later, I'm driving through road work, and I see this car on the wrong side of the cones coming at me, like I, and 4 other people, had to drive into the shoulder to let her through, and we were on a bridge. The car, first I see the handicapped thing in the mirror, and then I see the old gray-haired woman driving hunched over all up in her windshield looking pissed that we are in her way like we are all doing something wrong. Now that, it didn't piss me off. Old people, as shitty as they drive, they don't wreck as often, and when they do, the damage is usually pretty minimal, especially in comparison to my age group. Yes she was driving on the wrong side of the road, but she was going so freaking slow, we all had time to prevent an accident.

Either way, the whole experience...To quote the great Patrick Star, "Dumb people are blissfully unaware of how dumb they really are."

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