Expendables Update: Rhyme Scheme is Silly, Serious, Silly.

So I guess Sylvester Stallone tweeted the following:

WILLIS OUT... HARRISON FORD IN !!!! GREAT NEWS !!!!! Been waiting years for this!!!!

and then

GREEDY AND LAZY ...... A SURE FORMULA FOR CAREER FAILURE

Of course, the second post might not be related to the first, but google that shit and everyone sure thinks it is. You can also google Kevin Smith's views of Bruce Willis and you would get a pretty good idea that Bruce is probably not the easiest person to work with. Kevin said he's pretty arrogant and his improv isn't funny. I don't know. I laughed a lot at a lot of movies Bruce was in.

Now this thing with Sylvester and Bruce is my fault.... It is. I had a dream about it in April and I posted it here. Bruce was totally hitting on me in the dream. Even though I had already intended on picking Sylvester, Bruce was trying. Seeing how I doubt I am really psychic and picked up on animosity forming between these two, most likely what happened is they are psychic and my internal struggle to choose between the two is what created the animosity. In other words, Sylvester was pissed Bruce was hitting on me in dreamland. Cmon now, we all know that's got to be it. I really should send Bruce a hooker with a card saying, "Sorry my milkshake brought you to this yard. I still love you."

So for Bruce Willis, I'm going to explain why I choose Sly over you. I also had to explain why I chose Sly over Will Smith when it came to a discussion about Philly Cheesesteaks recently...

Here's the thing about Sly. He works out still. He also paints. A jock who paints. How often do you see that? Yep that's it. And he's good at both. I mean he's a fabulous artist.

Well, and to add to the Will Smith thing, let's just say when I have dreams I'm Will's girlfriend, he's never in them. It's because of Jada. She'd kick my ass into 60 different shades of white.

Don't worry Sly, your wife can't get jealous because I'm married, I don't cheat, and she's prettier than me.

And Bruce, I'm so sorry I was attracted to you to make Sly get all kinds of jealous on you. Don't take it personal from him. It's my fault. I didn't mean to. You have a nice ass, and you look really hot in the wife beater and khakis covered in fake blood. One of my homeboys, Nathan, looks a lot like you. I think it's just because he's Irish and shaves his head too. You're more homeboy material. Sly, in my Terry Crew's voice, "Now that's future wifee right there."

I should also point out I've had more dreams about this. The movie. This is how it would go if I could write my character in it... 

In one dream I had after watching too many manly movies, Jet Li came to get me. He is at my door and I have him follow me after I hit some panic button somewhere (to contact the nanny). So I go to this room, and I open the thermostat, stick my hand on the thing behind the thermostat, and this huge walk in closet opens up out of the wall. I looked at Jet and was like, "Do you realize how many times my kids have changed the temp on that thermostat thinking it was going to do something?" So then we walk in the closet. To the right, I had 20 diaper bags packed and ready to go. On my left, I had 2 mercenary readiness bags. I grabbed one. Then I hit this button on the wall and the wall opens up to guns. I said, "Do you need anything?" He looks at the wall behind him (the one on the right) and says, "What's this do?" and he hits a button, the wall opens up, and it's all baby stuff. Extra diapers, bottles, formula, baby bath, medicine... Then the nanny shows up. He's a Puerto Rican flaming gay guy. I tell him he is on lock down, kiss the kids goodbye... we get in my car, and Kidz Bop started playing really loud. I quickly changed it to Ice Cube and looked at Jet Li to see if he noticed, and he looked at me like that didn't just happen.

Then there was a part where Terry Crews and I were both dancing to Robin Thicke's song, Blurred Lines, just like the video, except he was dancing all girly like and I was dancing all Robin Thicke like. Then the Russian guy from Rocky IV did the moonwalk in front of us.

I was in an Old Spice commercial with Terry too. I ripped off my shirt and then it was him shirtless instead of my boobs. Probably not the best commercial idea.

Then there was a scene where we were mercenaries going into a house to question some guy named Joseph. Well, trying to knock out an answer, someone knocked him out completely, so there we all were, sitting in Joseph's kitchen waiting for him to come to, and a kid walks in. Grabs a can of Chef Boy R Dee, and I'm like, "What are you doing?" He's like, "I'm hungry. It's dinner time. I'm getting me something." I was like, "Like hell you are." So I cooked everyone a healthy dinner. Other kids kept coming into the kitchen one by one, "Who are these people," and the one kid is like, "Friends of uncle Joe." And the kids are like, "Where's Uncle Joe?" And he's like, "He's passed out drunk again over there." The Russian guy from Rocky IV helped one of them with his homework.

There was a badass scene in the dream where Jet Li was against the Tiger Claws guy. Bolo Yeung. That was one of the best fights I've ever made up in my head.

I got out of a full charlie the way the Marines showed me. I'm still looking for a time in my life to get out of that hold for real. So far for fun, I can get out of it from a Navy guy in less than 5 seconds, and Army Vietnam Vet, about 20 seconds (60 seconds, let's be honest).

I got out of a choke hold by climbing on the guy's arms. That was cool. I never thought of that before. I do possess the flexibility for it. I'll have to try it some day if I can find a guy strong enough for it.

I blame TV violence for these dreams.

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I totally would make the Expendables reach new markets. I'm sorry I was too young to watch all the 80's movies in the 80's and watched them anyway instead of being famous and stuff.

Let me explain to people why I'm in love with The Expendables. It's the 80's. It's what I was raised with...

In all honesty, all those men in all those movies were part of the reason behind me joining the military to begin with. Yes, my father was a big deal, and the fact that I do come from a military family played a role. My brother was in the Army in the 80's. My dad was a Marine in the 60's. My grandfather (mom's side) is a WWII Army veteran. His dad is a WWI veteran.

Anyway, these men from all the cheesy good guy vs bad guy movies are the reason I wanted to get my shit together. They are men my father recognized as men. My father died when I was fresh out of high school leaving me in that whole, "He's never going to be proud of me," state of mind. Just about everything I've done with my life was my attempt to prove myself to a dead man. What better way than to be one of the icons of greatness he saw in his favorite movies?

Right before I joined the military, I had dated this one doctor guy. I thought he was husband material. I thought we had something serious going on. When I realized I was his intended mistress, that he intended on marrying some blond who would make better country club material and just cheat on her with me for the passion he couldn't get from her, I stopped it. When I stopped giving myself up to that man, he was not kind about it. Probably the biggest mistake I ever made because he would have taken good care of me, but probably also the best decision I ever made because I have dignity. That still didn't stop him from telling me that I wasn't worth more than a pretty face, and that didn't stop me from believing him (even though I'm pretty sure my IQ surpasses his, barely). I really felt if I could just low crawl under some barbed wire and kill people, that I would be man enough for assholes like that doctor, and more importantly for loved ones like my father. That I would prove to everyone I was more than just a pretty face.

Fuck what really happened, the Air Force wouldn't deploy me because of the pretty face. My NCO straight explained to me that I wouldn't see a day overseas if he and our readiness had anything to do with it. That's why I joined asshole.

Instead, I ended up designing some camera bracket holder thing for a roof top that I never got to see in action because I lacked the paperwork to go there. My husband saw it. He said it was awesome. I'm sure it wasn't. I'm sure it was just a camera holder on a roof. While nobody else could have designed it without flaw like I did (and by hand doing my own trig to do it because I didn't understand AutoCad enough otherwise, and it's boring), it didn't really matter. They could have jimmied it up there with a coat hanger just the same.

Either way, that unimportant camera bracket is there because of people like Sylvester Stallone, Clint Eastwood, Chuck Norris, Bruce Willis, Jean Claude Van Damme, Jet Li, Arnold Schwarzenegger... And you know what? I'm willing to bet over half the military, the number 1 in Air Power hoorah, the badasses on the ground oorah, and the taxi cabs at sea, aye aye, are there because of these men too. Because they look up to badassery and wanted to go and be it by enlisting.

I think there should be that one character who watched all the movies, and let those movies change their life. There should be that one Airman who joined the Air Force because Chuck Norris that's why, or the Grunt who went Army because he wanted to make a difference, or the Lone Mom Blogger who was raised on this stuff (and Matlock, can't forget Matlock), who fantasizes humping men twice her age because they saved the world too many times. Because they cared enough about vets to give a heartwarming speech on the POW's. Because they inspire patriotism and a love for a country many have given up on.

I'm just thinking Sylvester, you got enough famous motherfuckers for your movie. You need some real life badasses inspired by you on there. Someone who mid marathon keeps running no matter how tired they are because Rocky got back in the ring. Someone who taught his kid to arm wrestle just because he watched Over the Top. Someone who decided to donate to a homeless vet thanks to Rambo. Now that's PR working for you.

BTW, keep going up my family tree, and I'm sort of related to Clint Eastwood. Let me explain how. My great great great ... add a bunch of greats grandfather was John Webster. The Connecticut governor John Webster. Now my family tree spawned from his son Thomas, but Noah Webster's family tree spawned from one of Thomas's siblings. You get down to Noah Senior (Noah the Dictionary compiling copyright creating guy's dad), and he married Rebecca Greenleaf. She's a direct descendant of William Bradford. Now those who are related to William Bradford and can prove it with papers are in some hoity toity club. Clint Eastwood is in that club. So he's like a distant cousin by marriage. This is why I don't have romantic dreams about him from his 70's self. He was hot in the 70's. Like if we weren't distantly related by marriage, I'd so tap that and be the punk to make his day.


AND THE FIRST POST TO START MY EXPENDABLES POSTS

What might actually be another psychic dream about the next Expendables...

So I had this dream I'm going to be in the next Expendables movie, and I'm driving in a car with Sylvester Stallone behind me in the back seat and Bruce Willis next to me in the Passenger seat. There were other people there but I don't know who they were.

I'm on the interstate driving, and everyone is asleep except Bruce who is totally hitting on me. This was the conversation...

Me: Dude, for real, I can't decide between you and Sylvester. You are supposed to let the internal passion stuff build as we flirt in acting and stuff for like days before actually releasing it into hot amazing sex. Duh.

Bruce: So are you really going to pick Sly over me?

Me: He was Rocky.

Bruce: So what? I was John McClane.

Me: Good point.

Bruce: You really need to think about what you could be missing out on. I am not as old looking as Sly. People would think we belong together.

Me: You know when I developed little crushes on you guys, I never thought I'd actually meet one of you let alone both of you at the same time. It's just not fair. Thank God John Cena and Channing Tatum aren't going to be in this film.

Bruce: Well John Cena actually already has a small part. We are thinking of adding Channing to the team this movie. He's still thinking about it.

Me: Really? Fuck me. You both might just lose me to Channing.

Bruce: That's so superficial of you. You have known him how long?

Me: Can I not just be a whore and hump all of you?

Bruce: No. You have to decide.

Me: Is this why celebrities always have fucked up relationships? Like Brad loves Angelina, but he also loves Jennifer...

Bruce: Exactly.

Me: If it weren't for the paparazzi, I could so totally get away with humping all you guys. Fecking Paparazzi could kill a wet dream...

Then I woke up.


If you haven't already read it... Roundhouse Bitch is a blog post of reasons Sylvester should choose me to be his love interest in the next Expendables.

Roundhouse Bitch

Why Sylvester Stallone should choose me to play the role of his girlfriend in the next Expendables if they do another one, which they should:

1.  My father raised me to watch movies like Rocky, Rambo, Cobra, Tango and Cash... as well as Invasion USA, Delta Force, Missing in Action... and the Die Hards (and everything Bruce Willis was in including Breakfast of Champions which I didn't understand at all because I don't smoke crack), and whatever movies Van Damme was in including Bloodsport. I've probably seen all those movies at least 100 times.

Here we are about to kiss... look at the chemistry!!!

2.  I keep having a recurring dream where I'm the love object of the next Expendables, and my dreams are usually psychic.

3.  I also had a dream where I was on a date with Sylvester Stallone. I was like, "You want to watch a movie?" and he was like, "Anything but Rocky," and I was like, "How about Rambo?" He was like, "I'm going to the kitchen." So I go in to the kitchen with him, we both grab for the same knife at the same time and we kiss. It was awkward because I thought I was too inexperienced for him, so now I have to kiss him in real life to prove to him I am not too inexperienced, I know what I'm doing, and it's the best gotdammed kiss he'll ever have in his whole freaking life.

4.  I'm funny. In the dream I just had, Sylvester was like, "Honey, this might get dangerous," and I was like, "Please, I have children, nothing scares me." And, there was a part where Bruce Willis was like, "If you fuck up this job, I'm going to find you, beat you to death, and then I'm going to resuscitate you back to life so I can kill you again." And I was like, "Or even worse, I'll have you babysit my kids and I'll send them to YOUR place with legos, whistles, glitter and silly string right after feeding them Cajun food with beans and fun dip." We could even use one of my kids' dirty diapers as a weapon.

5.  I'll surprise dry hump Bruce Willis when he isn't looking.

6.  My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. I have nice boobs. I mean that's important considering the target market. Apparently, these puppies were famous in high school. I had no idea until dudes 20 years later started telling me about them on Facebook (as well as some random dudes at the grocery store). I stare at them a lot in the mirror, but for many years, I thought that was just me being vain.

7.  I kind of look like Adrian. Not really, but I have brown hair and can be a total hottie nerd.

8.  I am an Air Force veteran (cough cough like Chuck Norris). I don't have to fake the PTSD part of my character, and I can do my owns stun... well I can aggressively file paperwork. There's a script isn't there? That's paperwork. I'll rock it.

9.  I'm double jointed, meaning I can do some cool kicks and splits and stuff. Wait a minute, this is me trying to be a girlfriend in a movie, not real life, well disregard.

10.  I cried during Rambo II (the speech at the end) and Chuck Norris's Delta Force 1 (the part with the cheesy music, wait, should be more specific huh, where the Jews get called to the front of the plane, the concentration camp tattoo, the woman who reminds me of my grandma, the cabbage patch doll, the priest...) Rambo II, tears. Uncontrollable tears. Especially when I was pregnant. BUT I didn't cry during the Titanic or the Notebook. I did cry over an episode of Oprah once, but in my defense, I was pregnant and ate an entire pie in one sitting.

11.  My father might actually come back from the grave to see it.

12.  I took down a Marine once, and it's quite possible I'm the only Air Force chick that has managed to do such a thing. I actually did some Jet Li moves I think when I did, like I flipped off this table and everything. All the other Marines were calling me Devil Dog. Basically, I'm a bad ass in real life too. Just don't ask me to do it again because I don't think I can.

13.  I have Rocky's theme song and Eye of the Tiger as top plays when working out.

14.  I am a rebel type, but in a mainstream sheeple sort of way, like in high school, people thought I was kissing a teacher's ass all morning during announcements, but really what happened was the teacher caught me and my friend sneaking liquor in our coffee and instead of being all "you are expelled," he was all, "let me have some." Then somehow, it accidentally became a morning ritual for us. I listen to Metallica and Ice Cube. That's rebel.

15.  I am a bitch. This makes for a great character who kills people. The meanest people I have ever in my life encountered, I mean meaner than drill sergeants and high-maintenance girl bullies, meaner than the 1976 Steeler's Defense, the meanest people I have ever had the pleasure to do business with, the public school administration and the PTA. Let's just say, they fear me. Like one time, there was a "fundraiser," which is a word the PTA uses for whoring out children into selling overpriced junk and compete like used car salesmen for time at the bouncy party. My child's PTA had it set up, you had to sell one item to get a half hour at the party, 10 items to attend the entire party. We are talking 600 children sharing one bouncy thing. I objected to it. Called it child abuse. Told them my kid will be at Chuck E. Cheese that day and the absence will be excused without a doctor's or parent's note. So, they decided to let my child's class have a couple hours on the bouncy thing when nobody else was using it, the whole class, including those who didn't sell one item... all because I'm not just a bitch, but I'm queen bitch. You should see me own the parking lot during the after school cluster fuck of chaos.

16.  I have a thing for pilots. Sylvester is a pilot in the movie. eHarmony couldn't do a better job.

17.  I know the age thing might be an issue, but the important thing is Sylvester Stallone aged well, and I haven't, so we look the same age. He's also younger than my father, barely, and that's what matters.

This is a picture of the first time
I never met him.

18.  I'm a libra. Nuff said.

19.  I know how to get my own coffee, so that's like money saved on assistants and shit.

20.  I will do it for almost free, like almost free means paying for the travel and partial living expenses (a nanny) and Chuck Norris shows me how to do the roundhouse kick, without killing me in the process. Ok, Chuck doesn't have to show me any secrets. I really just want a kissing scene with Sylvester (I have something to prove, see #3).

21.  I'm not an actress and I have stage fright.

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I'd also like to request that my character spits on people's foreheads before she kills them like the Outlaw Jose Wales, but since I can't spit without dribbling all over myself, we'll have to get a stunt double for the spitting.

I also require Peanut Butter to be present in my trailer because the Beach Boys require such a thing in theirs, and the Beach Boys are awesome. And how do I know this about the peanut butter? Play the video...