How to Really Win a Debate

When up against ignorant people, the best thing to do is walk away. Well most of us can't do that, but at some point, you have to at least realize you are talking to a brick wall and completely wasting your time.

It helps to understand why some people believe what they believe. Most people consider their opinions to be a form of self-identity, and many find their tribe based on that. Remember back in high school when they had cliques? That is still relevant in adulthood. Instead of being the cheerleader where it's expected for you to dress cute in a fake tan with a fake smile, now you are the crunchy person where your friends are going to be offended if you eat gluten and don't support gun control.

I do suspect some of my "conservative" friends have opinions that are in-line to the Republican platform because they want people like me to perceive them as wealthy business merchants, which is why they would totally give away their rights to things like clean water for more important things like corporate profit maximization. It is part of their identity to be about numbers and money as opposed to morals and responsibility, wait a minute... All that's supposed to be part of the conservative identity... Oh the tribe. The "important" people running the corporation is a friend of a friend of a friend... And of course, they want you to know all the important people they know, because that makes them important, and of course, because they are important, they want to make sure that laws don't impede on their importantness. Because it's really not about what they stand for, but about who they are.

So now that you know the psychology behind any debate, like "Anti-Vaxxers" and "Pro-Vaxxers." You can easily see this situation to finding the truth, "how safe are vaccines?" is just as complex as the human mind because of the human mind. Studies have shown using facts only makes them resort to myths all the more. By trying to "help them see the light," we are only pushing them farther into the darkness. Why? Personal Identity. When you attack an argument with facts, they see it as an attack on their character. Keep in mind that no matter how you feel, "they" is also YOU.

Tips to Actually Win the Internets in a Debate

1. Fight debauchery with humor. 

You can quickly deescalate a heated argument by saying something incredibly ridiculous, full of nonsense and laced with humor. There really is no reason to have the other person walk off pissed off. I mean we aren't here to ruin each others days. Be the bigger person.

I have used pictures of my boobs holding an object for charity as a great diffusing device when up against men. They usually stop arguing with me and start flirting. Yeah, basically I flash a man mid-meltdown. Men are so easy. It also works on my husband, in case you ever get into a debate with him. (You're Welcome Rafael). Women, on the other hand, not so much. You really have to get a feel for the type of woman you are dealing with, and try to appeal to her sense of humor. For instance, if she seems to enjoy man bashing, then throw in a good man bashing joke, even if you are a man. The point is you want to connect with her (or him if you are too shy to flash people) in some fashion. People are kinder to people they have a bond with. In other words, it helps to remind them you are human on an emotional level.

Some people are straight dicks and do not find you funny just because they hate you. Like if someone else said what you said, they'd love it. But because you said it, they don't. In that case, don't make them laugh. I usually block those people. For real, I don't care if you slept with my husband once, or if you punched me in the face last year, or if you talk about me behind my back, but the moment you decide I'm just not funny, now that's just uncalled for. I don't want to read your posts. Goodbye.

2. Call them out on their method.

For instance, my mom and I were "debating" once on the telephone. When her logic and facts were no longer working in her favor to win the argument, she shifted it into an emotional debate. She said that I obviously don't respect her if I disagree with her. I explained, "Shifting the argument into an emotional crisis does not change the fact that.... and if I did disrespect you, I would have used more bad English like my sister." When that sunk in, we were able to discuss both the topic of debate and her emotions, separately, to a place of agreement and closure.

Most arguments are psychological. It's not about facts. It's not about truth. It's about the human mind. When you can discover the psychology behind people's methods of argument (not the logic), you can approach that. Most people don't want to admit their psychological details to a perfect stranger let alone any flaw to themselves, so they will often disagree with you, but they will also usually stop doing what you claimed they do just to spite you.

3. Socratic Questioning

This is an art, but once mastered, it can be the most effective way to get people to change their minds. I say that because it's the method Jesus Christ used well (in addition to Socrates). I'm not at Jesus Christ level of using this method.

The point of the method is to help people discover the truth for themselves. You can tell me that 2 + 2 = 4, and I can memorize that number and do well with math, but I won't actually learn how to add until I take 2 items, add 2 items, and count, for myself, that there are 4 items total. You can tell people what to believe, or you can show them a better method of finding their own belief for themselves. If you are right, what you stand for should speak for itself. All you need to do is give the person the right questions so that whatever you stand for can speak to them.

It's usually a very invited method into an argument because everyone loves to answer questions about themselves because narcissism.

You can also use this method to annoy the ever living fuck out of people, and to confuse them more. So be careful with it.

4. The most important factor to winning a debate is to be right in the first place.

Most people formulate an opinion and then search and dig for facts and logic that supports their opinion. I am the type of person to formulate my opinion based on facts and logic, which means, I do the reading first and the thinking about it later. Someone just went, "Aha!" My opinions do change as I incorporate new data into the formation of the opinion; however, not many people offer NEW data into a debate compared to what I've already read and researched on the subject, unless the subject is something I have never researched like genetics of yellow-bellied marmots, in which case, I have no opinion. In other words, I don't argue about stuff I don't know.

If you start forming your opinions on actual facts, your opinion will be harder to argue. It's hard to lose an argument when you are the closest thing to being right as possible giving the current data on the situation. People think I'm on a high horse with this, but I am. I did my homework already.

With this, do not be afraid to not know. This has two parts. If you pretend to know something you don't know, you will at least look stupid to the people who do know. The easiest method is to swallow your IQ pride and just admit, "I'm not familiar with that subject," and if you follow it with, "tell me more about it," you will diffuse an argument and turn it more into an actual debate. It makes the person realize that you respect their opinion and give them some credibility.

The second part, it's ok if you don't have an opinion on something. If you really have no idea what happened between Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman to decide guilt, then just say, "I have no opinion yet because I don't know what happened enough to have one." You're also allowed to say, "I don't really care. I'm kind of busy living my life I just don't have the time or interest to google." Yes. I said it. Let it be known in someone else's memoirs that it was I, Michelle L. Grewe, who said, "You're allowed to not give a shit."

If you did your homework, this is my issue, try not to give all the information out in every argument. You appear to be a "Know-it-all," and nobody likes that. While I'm sitting here trying to be Wikipedia, teaching people something, others are taking it as an insult to their intelligence. If they wanted to learn, they'd look it up. They aren't there to learn.

5. Let them Win a Parting Gift

Most people are sore losers. Not many people giggle, "you got me there," or respond, "touche." Most of the time, they search for an argument they think they can win and change the subject, whether it's about your grammar or your manners.

For instance, I have a friend. When we argue, and we argued about this before, it almost ended our friendship... She claimed a sentence like, "She ate dinner and then fell asleep," should have a comma before the word "and" because "and" is a conjunction. I explained that a conjunction joins two independent clauses (being two phrases containing both a subject and a verb) together. In the case of that sentence, you have two verbs and one subject (and independent clause and a dependent one). There would be a comma if you wrote it, "She ate dinner, and then SHE fell asleep." My friend disagreed profusely. I mean we were in a screaming, yelling match over a fucking comma. After showing her 10 different grammar books backing up my claim, she finally was like, "You have to at least agree with me that a comma does go before a conjunction, which is my argument all along."

If you find any opportunity to let them know they were right about something and they aren't total idiots in your mind, let them know... "You were very right about...." Give them a parting gift of some sort.




Remember, you aren't changing the world by debating. You are not solving any world problems by having an opinion. You are just "Discussing" things.

You don't have to turn everything into a debate. I believe some people have such low self-esteems they find themselves wanting to always debate for the false sense of winning, like somehow their dick grows 4 inches just by believing with all of their heart that they are talking to an idiot. But what they do is turn something unemotional like gun control statistics into a passion seeking venue, and I'm sorry but those people just suck at passion. I mean seriously, if the most passionate thing you've done all week is display statistics of crime, you really need to step off the computer and enter the bedroom. Read this Guide to Masturbation. You're welcome. Now that's passion. Make love to yourself. Literally, go fuck yourself. Best advice I ever got in a debate.

Meanwhile, remember to really win a debate, you both walk away from it happy. If you "cremate" them with your facts and what not, you look like an ass, so you didn't really win anything. If you lose the debate and resort to mature things like name-calling and other sore-loser asshattery, then you look like an ass, so you didn't really win anything. In other words, when two people argue, all the passerby sees is two assholes. The only way to WIN a debate where someone agrees that you won is to either not debate in the first place, or end it.

Remember, the other person's opinion really doesn't matter. It won't make you rich. It won't solve a problem. It won't make your bacon taste any better or make your pussy more pleasurable. It's ok if they disagree. They can think the sun is made of hot nacho cheese for all you care. Now that you read that, it will still irk you when someone says something stupid like, "Stop killing my baby with your use of the word retard." You will still speak up. "How clumsy of me, I didn't realize your baby was a retard." And the Asshat Award will go to you, and you will display it with pride.

Internet Debates: Cheap Tactics People Vomit

Get This Shirt at my Store

Internet debates are like a form of crack that suck you into a world of dumbfuckery to where you neglect major life duties like a shower or sleep because "someone on the internet is wrong." They are so addicting, some people have to create drama just for the high of a debate, and others, they flock to it like drunks to a place that serves breakfast. I'm the latter. If I see any status of my friends on facebook that shows an ounce of drama and debate, I'm there just to read the asshattery and state my opinion, with popcorn (sometimes, it's a great spectator sport).

In the heat of a great internet debate, you have different types of debaters and cheap tactics people use. You are probably one of these people, at some point. I'm sorry if I offend you. Hahahahahahahaha, no I'm not. I tried to type it with a straight face though. I really did.

You should totally share this when you see friends  frienemies who fall under these categories, you know, for passive aggressiveness, especially if you are on Facebook Vaguebook.

1. The Researcher

I like these people. They are my favorite kinds of people on the internet. They are the ones who post the snopes link in the comments showing your story is bull shit. You can't debate with them without them showing links to prove their argument, usually packed with facts, statistics, and truth. They are awesome for the most part.

They can POTENTIALLY have two downfalls that turn their awesome quickly into asshattery. For many of them, sometimes your argument is invalid because you didn't supply a link, or you didn't supply a "credible" link. It's really hilarious when these people get into such a sheeple mindframe that they think their link from a biased organization designed to promote their argument is more credible than wikipedia. In fact, don't ever dare to give them a wikipedia link because, "haha, anyone can write that," as if the rest of the internet was written by God himself. They don't even care if their sources are cited in the bibliography because they are superior to you intellectually for supplying the cited sources as opposed to the wiki link that took them to that place in the first place.

The second downfall? As if things can't get any worse. When their link supports your argument more than it does theirs, and they are just too stupid to realize it. You can quote their link all you want, but you are talking to a brick wall. For example: You are anti-gun control. He is pro-gun control. He shares a link that states in the 3rd paragraph that studies show gun control doesn't curb gun related crimes. He posted that link to support gun control because it's from a liberal website, and he probably didn't read it. You mention the third paragraph, and he ignores it completely stating the link supports gun control with studies and facts. Where's your studies and facts? Oh you don't have any. Well that one you provided doesn't count because I don't like the source. The other one I didn't feel like reading, and my link doesn't count because I provided it and not you.

2. The wolf pack

You see this one more in female groups, more specifically, mom groups. But these are people who act like cyber-bullies, usually unaware they are being bullies. They operate in packs. They are the ones who post statuses like, "Hey, did you read that mean comment someone left me? Here's the link." The people who usually argue on their behalf are only arguing on their behalf, nevermind the topic, it's about loyalty. For the most part, this is a great way to combat trolls.

Image from one of my most favorite people on the web:Hyperbole and a Half

For example, someone I know wrote a blog about the difficult decision to give away her dog. It just wasn't really compatible with her children. He was too aggressive, and there were some other issues. As much as she loved the dog, she had to choose between the dog and her kids, and the dog had to go. She got quite a few comments from dog loving freaks who shamed her for not treating her dog like it was a kid. These people were fanatics, with absurd arguments that made you believe they secretly rape their pets. Of course, my friend posted about it, and before you knew it, 50 of us were there saying things to the commenters (not the blogger) like, "You are an asshat twatwaffle" and my input, "Your dog would be delicious in Korea." It promoted my friend's blog, like she had more readers than usual for that post in particular. But more importantly, it made her feel better about making such a difficult decision because she was surrounded by a mob of people who supported her decision and empathized with her feelings.

But the wolf pack can go seriously wrong when they use it to bully an innocent. Imagine a scenario where a woman says, "I breastfed my kid for 3 months now, I'd like some advice to ween her to the bottle." And someone is like, "No, you should continue breastfeeding if you care at all for your child." And that someone then, before any comment is made their way, retrieves their friends to come over and support their shaming. So a woman seeking advice is bombarded with comments designed to tear her down emotionally and psychologically, and she is not in a position to be there because her kid needs her boob, now, no time to stand up for yourself on the internet mom.

It can go even worse when a member of the pack stands up for the mom because the mom was in the right. The whole pack shows no mercy when ostracizing a member of their own, and because they are in the same circles online, they usually take their debauchery to other social media methods. They will stalk the excommunicated member for months to come, leaving random nasty comments whenever the opportunity for it arises, manipulating others into picking their side, usually spreading rumors and lies. The person doing the right thing gets treated like shit by people she cared about, cyber-crucified for having an opinion of her own, all to help someone who shows no appreciation for the sacrifice made on their behalf. Then they all post an anti-bullying link, you know, to deceive people (and themselves) into thinking they aren't assholes.

3. The Delusional

The perfect example to this...

"The gay community wants to abolish age of consent laws. Which means children…we would do away with statutory rape laws so that adults would be able to freely prey on little children sexually. That’s the deviance that we’re seeing embraced in our culture today".- Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN)

What the fuck Michele? Did you make that shit up for attention? Or do you really think that's the case? Because while you are right in your stance, yes nobody wants to see children raped, the issue is that NOBODY wants to see children raped. Like quit putting stupid words in the mouths of people you hate just for the delusion that you win the debate. Of course you feel superior to gay people when you put it like that. Of course, it's that shit that makes you infamous for being a fucktard with an IQ that cannot possibly exceed the qualifying age to join the AARP.

Then what happens is all her little sheeple followers believe that, and before you know it... You will argue with them about gay marriage. And when that day comes, you will say something like, "Equality. Gay people deserve the same rights to love and marriage, and divorce, as you and I." And they will respond with, "I can't believe you are so fucking stupid to allow children to be raped." You are like, "WTF? I wasn't talking about children at all..." 

And then other people join the conversation and because they are either too lazy or too stupid to read exactly what you said, they take the asshole's version of what you said, and they truly believe you just said that you want children to be raped, and there's nothing you can say otherwise to change their mind because the asshole is more qualified on the subject of your feelings than you are. 

In essence, they create their own villain to argue with. The arguments on both sides come from their own mind, and it's just unfortunate for you that they think you are the villain they created and that the mindless zombies spectating believe them. 

I see this the most with any kind of fanatic full of hatred for those against them, whether they are Christians or atheist, conservative or liberal. 

I'm obviously not the only person who noticed. 

4. The Stereotype

This is really another version of the delusional, but they are people who argue with you based on your stereotype. For instance, just say, "I own a gun," and then you get the response, "I bet you believe Obama's trying take your guns. Murica." Or better yet, "The day I listen to a gun toting redneck like yourself is the day I hang myself." What they are arguing? Every meme they read about people who own guns. You don't even have to argue, they will just assume you are arguing their beliefs because you have one. You might believe in gun control, they don't care. You're still a gun-toting idiot. 

I have been in debates where I mention I love God and Jesus Christ, and all the sudden, I am anti-science (not the case, I understand Einstein's theory of relativity and Schrodinger's cat better than the geek mainstream, and I can hang in a discussion about neutrinos and photons), anti-evolution (not true)... everything that anyone could contrive a Christian to be. And it doesn't matter what I say about neutrinos, my argument is invalid just because I'm an idiot Christian who obviously believes the world was actually created in seven 24-hour days, three thousand years ago. I can say, "I agree with science on this one," until my fingers turn purple, and these people think I'm lying because I'm a Christian, and I'm not allowed to be a Christian AND agree with science.

5. The Hypocrite

Everyone is a hypocrite in some fashion, to some extent, but in the realm of the internet debate, it becomes obvious in ways that make you want to vomit. For example. I have a friend who is atheist. He hates it when Christians are forcing their opinions on others. You can't put a Bible verse on the wall at school because that's forcing your religious beliefs on others. You can't quote the Bible as literature in school because duh, it's the Bible, but it's ok to read The Crucible, Of Plymouth Plantation, Martin Luther King Jr.'s speeches, and other texts that promote Christianity. That is a level of hypocrisy in of itself, but then let's take it further. 

Then the atheist friend who is so sick of people shoving their religious beliefs on others trolls your conversations about religion. Any time you mention God, Jesus Christ, a Bible Verse, or anything, they comment some belittling comment on how you are an idiot for having faith, and they turn every inspirational text you find on the subject of your faith into a debate on whether or not God is real and that you should just believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster. In essence, they are shoving their beliefs down your throat, with more determined hatred than Westboro has against gay people. Christians will do it too, but we expect that don't we? 

And it's not just religion. Look at political memes. The guy who is Pro Life is anti-immigration pro-guns. Mixing the two subjects it gets even worse. Anti-Christian liberals believe in everything Jesus Christ ever preached, but they are anti-Jesus. Extreme conservatives believe against everything Jesus Christ ever preached, but they are Pro-Jesus. I say this because if Jesus was on this earth today, based on what He preached according to the Bible, He would be pro-welfare, pro-immigration, pro-life but also pro-women's rights, anti-violence, anti-war, anti-corporate greed, pro-humbling... He'd be a Pro-Life liberal. The liberals hate Him. The conservatives love Him. And aliens are standing by waiting for us to destroy ourselves because that's easier than declaring war on earth. 

When you call them out on it, especially when it involves any form of hatred, they deny it, like it never dawned on them they are exactly like the very people they hate. I'm here to tell you how you feel about others is usually a solid reflection on how you feel about yourself. That's a tough pill to swallow sometimes. 

6. The Last Worder

I fall in this category. I have to have the last word. Part of it is because when you are so kind to respond to me, even in disagreement, I feel that it's only polite to warrant a response back. I do this in friendly emails. Even on the phone, saying goodbye to me takes 10 minutes because I keep responding. My chats look like, "Well I'm going to go to bed.... I should too, good night and sweet dreams... Good night and sweet dreams to you... They will be sweet if I dream about you... Really? Do you dream about me?... ... ... Well goodnight then.... Goodnight to you... Sweet dream... you too...  :) ... :)... :).... :)............." 

But when it comes to debates, I do think I have to have the last word for whatever reason. I have no idea why, but I do. You really are fine if you just don't say anything more stupid, but that rarely happens. Arguing with me, your last word is going to be stupid, and I have to, like a crack addiction, call you out on your stupidity. It's almost like the grammar nazi trying not to type, "You're" to correct someone's "your so stupid." I can't resist.  The reason you are bound to say something stupid in a last word to me in an argument is that if you are arguing with me at all, you probably are stupid. You can disagree with me and not be stupid. That happens a lot. But if you are straight arguing any comment or opinion I may have, you are probably dumber than the flies that circle shit. I can still love you as a friend, even if you can't keep up on an intellectual level because I can appreciate that there is way more to life than being smart, but I can't resist standing up for what I believe, or straight facts, when you challenge my words with stupidity.

There is a fine line between a debate and an argument, and that fine line is usually a vast amount of IQ points.

And my favorite part is where people act like the childish nature of having to have the last word supposedly discredits all the facts you gave them. And the hypocrisy (see number 5), is that it's pretty childish to mock someone's actions as a desperate reach into giving you a false-sense of winning the debate, especially when your logic and facts didn't do it for you. Of course, changing the subject is the easiest way to direct people's attention away from your original points of stupidity.

The girl is totally winning. 

7. The Logic Nazi

These are people who have trained themselves in the art of identifying logical fallacies within other people's arguments. They get super excited when they see one, I'm sure, that they are so intellectual to point it out using words that force anyone to have to Google it. Unfortunately, they lack the self control to avoid the use of them in their arguments, and they usually also lack the humbling ego to admit they do it, even when caught red-handed.

But there is a list of Logical Fallacies that basically say, if you do this, you are illogical. Most people who are obsessed with pointing these out never actually thought it through and instead just took everyone's word for it. Like they probably couldn't do a logic puzzle, but because they can identify a fallacy, they are suddenly logic experts.

Just because someone uses a logical fallacy doesn't mean they are wrong (that's a logical fallacy in of itself). It just means they need to change their approach. 

8. The Statistics Humper

I honestly think there are people who really suck at math that are physically attracted to statistics. They don't understand statistics, but when they see them, they get a boner nevertheless. These are people who have to point out statistics to prove their point. They totally fuck statistics when they misuse them to prove their point, and that's what happens a lot. Even the media sharing findings from a scholarly study often misrepresent the facts and numbers.

Some things to remember about statistics... Correlation does not prove causation. For instance, gun control. Many previous studies on gun control showed a correlation between high gun ownership in an area and higher crime rate. It made a lot of people believe that gun ownership causes violence. New studies are suggesting the opposite. They changed the approach to the study and on a worldwide scale, have discovered that Gun Control Laws are often correlated to a higher violent crime rate. But the other studies? Are they wrong? No. There really is a correlation between high crime rates and high gun ownership, but they are realizing that what happens is that people who live in areas with high crime rates are more apt to go buy a gun for protection, legally. But you will still see people citing studies and statistics about gun ownership and crime rate in order to prove their justification of gun control.

There are also different types of statistics. Some just inform. Like I could ask 100 people, "Do you prefer Pepsi or Coke?" and 45% can answer Pepsi with 55% answering Coke. Let's say I ask the same people "Do you consider yourself overweight?" and 75% of the people drinking Pepsi said Yes and 45% of the people drinking Coke said Yes. Some people are quick to think, "Pepsi makes you fatter than Coke does." No. Those statistics like that only describe. That's it. They do not show any correlation. You have to do some crazy math shit with a formula that looks greek to most of the world to see if there's enough statistical evidence to prove any correlation.

So when you tell me X amount of people died from gun violence last year, that doesn't mean that it proves we need gun control. If you keep posting the stats and referring to it like it's a guide, I'm going to assume statistically that you are dumber than my left tit.

9. The Grammar Royals

These are not your average grammar nazi's. Grammar Nazi's correct grammar for OCD, anal-retentive purposes, many attempting to conserve the English language in a world of little brats graduating high school thinking LOL is a real word. The Grammar Royals take it to a whole new level. They act like the ability to point out your grammatical error (usually only one or two of them, missing the other 50 you made) somehow makes them superior to you and your argument. They believe that they have completely discredited you by discrediting your grammar, and as a result, they won the debate because they discredited your facts and logic.

I want to see this LIVE

Obviously they are right. Like if you wrote a phrase as a sentence, you are ok. If you have a dangling modifier, you're fine. But God Forbid you say, "your not understanding," ok now you are just being a terrorist, and you totes deserve being ass raped with a cactus.


I'm supposed to type a conclusion here, but I really suck at conclusions. I like letting you come up with your own. I suppose I could say something inspirational, promoting peace, like "Don't be a dick."

Keep an eye out for the next part of this. Like subscribe to this blog so you can get advice for arguing with assholes. I'm not an easy person to debate, and I shall share some of my secrets in the near future. I'm also going to share some all natural ways to relieve constipation, so big things coming. 

Creative Ways to Wake Up Your Husband That Don't Work

The husband laid down for a nap before work and asked me to wake him up at 9. I set the alarm, and at 9, I realized, "Wait, he never wakes up." Like there are times where I try to wake him up, tell him things like, "By the way, it's going to be $500 for her teeth. We're going to have to sell my body for sex to afford this," and he'll agree and forget the entire conversation took place because he was sleep talking.

I knew this was going to be a challenge.

So I sat abruptly on the bed, which opened his eyes really wide like he just fell off a cliff in a dream, and then I burped loudly.

"How's that for an alarm?"

He started to close his eyes again, so I proceeded to breathe in his face. My breath is pretty bad at this point.

He kept moving his face away from mine (I don't know why), and then he started to close his eyes again. So I grabbed him by the balls, cupped em, and with his balls in my hand, I proceeded to kiss his stomach (because that tickles him, and the balls were in my hand to protect myself from retaliation).

He farted and went back to sleep.

I licked his belly again, and then we had a conversation about sex, showers, my armpits, and his workplace, and then he drifted back to sleep.

So then I bit his nipple. He grabbed my nipple, and we proceeded in a nipple gripping war. When I declared peace, he went right back to sleep like this never happened.

So I sent in the kids. I even told them for the first time in ever, "Go jump on my bed." They did. They got hugs and kisses.

Would you believe he's still asleep?

So I wrote this blog post while it was all fresh in my head, and finally, he had to use the bathroom. Nothing gets you up better than having to use the bathroom. I'm probably going to surprise smack him in the face with my boob just for putting me through all this.


UPDATE: So I read him this blog post, and he has absolutely no recollection of any of this taking place.

Etiquette to Giving a Proper BJ: don't blow it... by A Former Slut

I know this is totally TMI, but someone has to talk about it. This is a very important subject, so important that if I ever run into a genie, my world peace wish would be that all the cum tastes like the cream filling of a twinkie but doesn't make you fat and ingesting it cures cancer.

Now I only give blow jobs (yes you read BJ right you dirty slut you) to people I love. It's reserved for those who have earned the precious right to stick their junk in my dribble, well except for that one guy but we won't talk about that.

I should mentioned I'm married, and this is more for married couples who lost, that loving feelin. Men for whatever reason seem to like Noggin (head, get it) over sex sometimes. It's so important to them that if I ever woke up with a penis, noggin would definitely be on my bucket list, just to see what's so awesome about it.

Too bad this is not a skill I can put on a resume. I don't think I'm that awesome at it, but whatevs. I'll tell you my secrets. You can tell me yours in the comments if you dare. Do you dare? Disturb the universe?

Noggin Do's to Make it Fun and not a JOB that BLOWS.

1. Chapstick. Days before the "big" event, slap some chapstick on your lips. The family jewels deserves to be kissed by soft, supple lips. You should also exfoliate a bit in that process. We are talking the most prized possession of any man here. You know I'm being quasi-facetious. Well if you didn't, now you do. Pretty much this whole post is that way.

2. Mouthwash optional. I read somewhere in something like Cosmo back in 1995 that if you use mouthwash before giving a BJ, it enhances it. So of course after reading something that absurd, I had to try it out. Never a complaint. Supposedly the astringenty nature of it brings the blood forward, and we all know that is one location where more blood, the merrier. In addition, it makes it taste better for you because your mouth is already numb and all you can taste is minty mintness.

3. Hydrate. Symptoms of minor dehydration are things like fatigue, things that won't help you. But also, you want to your slobber to be slick, not sticky, and you don't want it to smell because you have to relick your own lick. I mean one of the most vomit-inducing features of a blow job is licking cold slobber, especially if it tastes like garlic. This helps reduce that effect.

4. Remember ladies. Cup the balls. Don't just grab them like men do your boobs. No caress those fuckers. Cupping is probably the most important thing. Watch your teeth. In my Julia Child voice, remember ladies, you're not eating sausage. You are just gutting it out gently.

5. Occasionally lick the balls. Occasionally slightly suck the balls like you would the tip of an ice cream cone. Then breathe out on them. I know it's gross, like way gross to go there. I like to think about these during this part...

6. You know how on the tip of the penis, there's a heart shaped looking structure with a nice vein going down the center? Where the grooves cave in. Yeah, that spot is the male g-spot. Lick that like a pussy cat licking its ass. But not all the time, like occasionally do that or it gets too tender, and of course, not until after it's nice and hard. One guy who was not that well endowed used to scream, "God Almighty what are you doing to me?" It really is worth it if you get to hear that. Try not to laugh all over his dick when you do.

7. Mix it up. Make love to that thing. Avoid jaw cramps and possible vomit chokes from deep throating by occasionally licking different parts, kissing different parts, using your lips to slide up and down the slobber, and even your nose and cheek can do that. This is important because I don't know if it's possible for the jaw to lock up and you be stuck with a dick in your mouth needing paramedics to rescue you like a scene so bad it didn't make it into the American Pie movie, but I can't let something like that destroy my reputation so I mix it up.

8. Try to get turned on. Giving blow jobs are great when you feel you are in control, which you are, and when you, yourself, are enjoying it. How? How do you ask? Well, for starters, think about the same stuff you think about during sex whether it's that one guy you still like, the celebrity, a porn video, or eating a medium rare steak... Try NOT to think about things like your mom, your kids, your to-do list, that speech you have to give next week, new drapes, vomiting, or Jesus. I know it's difficult staying focused at a time like this. Think of the sexy aspects of yourself, not the what's wrong with the way you look that probably is not the case outside of your mind, but what you like about the way you look and feel. Get alpha male about it. You are the one in control. This man's pleasure is completely in your hands, and mouth. Everything you do outside of the bedroom doesn't matter. The only thing that's there are the hormones, savage instinct, and body chemistry. Hone in on that like you are trying to listen to a whispering voice in a crowd of screams.

and don't forget to...

This is important because, while there is no scientific evidence that I know of on this, on my psychic level, I'm straight telling you there is stuff that goes down (pun unintended) on a body chemistry level when your body emits hormones it does when it's turned on. The more turned on I am, the more it turns on my man. The more turned on he is, the more turned on I am. I don't know if it's an electrical signal thing that happens, or if it's a smell, or a combination of both, but it is most definitely there. It's probably a survival instinct in the process of reproduction and pro-creation. Our attractions are the same way, as we are generally attracted to someone with a different immune system for maximum genetic mix, and I really think there's something about the acidic vs base nature of the reproductive parts. Either way, BJ's are better for both when both people are emitting their hormones into the air.

9. Is the cum too salty? No problem. This is my most diabolical, mastermind, ingenious idea ever. Have you ever done body shots? This is like that but the men provide the salt. Yes ladies, when he comes at all in your mouth and you feel that bitter taste, chase that bitch down with some tequila and a lemon.

10. Definitely make him shower before you go there. And if you aren't that slut who is comfy giving BJ's but wish you were, or if you have a clean fetish otherwise known as OCD, blow jobs in the shower are no where near as nasty as blow jobs out of the shower.

11. The secret to deep throating is to relax the throat. It's an art. Practice it slowly. He doesn't care if you do that sort of thing or not. His penis is in your mouth, that's all that matters. If he jams it in there, grab his hands and pin his ass down. You are the boss because it's your mouth. If he wants to be boss, he can go down on you. This is what we call non-verbal communication, and most normal men like it when you take charge in that language, at least in the bedroom. But if you are too shy for something like that, no fear, just kindly say, "You have a huge penis. Try to be easy on me." And here I have exhibited a perfect example of the difference between Aggressive and Passive-Aggressive.

12. It's ok to want to fuck make love before he comes. BJ's can be awesome foreplay. Even if you can only handle it for a minute at a time, that's better than not doing it at all from the perspective of the penis. Now if you really don't want to, Don't. Don't give blow jobs you don't want to give, especially if it's because you think the penis needs to see a doctor. Don't do anything you don't want to do. I have to say that somewhere for moral implications, you know, like a "but I did say this..." when I give my confession for writing this post to a priest in hopes my penance will be less demanding. Fortunately I'm not really Catholic, so that was more metaphorical.

13. Only do this for men you care about or you probably mess it up if you aren't in it to please him because you love him. Note I said because you love him. Any other reason to please a man is probably not a good reason, like because you need attention, or because he's your boss and you deserve that promotion, or because you said no a thousand times and he's still trying and you just want to shut him up. Be a lady in the street and a freak in the bed. But the freak in the bed is reserved for only those who deserve it. If you do catch yourself at a party giving out a BJ to 3 guys in some strange bathroom on a dare, especially if you are under the age of 21, ummm, that's probably a sign of a daddy issue or a risk-taking symptom of some major disorder, and you should probably deal with that before you hurt yourself. And I don't mean that in an insulting way. I mean that in a seriously, please, do yourself a favor and take care of your mental health like it's a family heirloom.

14. And if the sight of a penis makes your stomach gurgle a bit because they do look like mushrooms... Remember this...

15. You should also read what Nikki from Moms Who Drink and Swear says about it, not only for the many many different synonyms one could use for penis (I personally like the word penis that I can't stop using it, and penis people because that's much better description than man), but also for the emotionally charged good advice she's about to give. The Hard Truth About Why You Aren't Getting a Blow Job

Now remember, there's more to a BJ than sucking a man's ego (how's that for a creative word for ding-a-ling?). There's more physical stuff that should occur, like some foreplay kissing, kissing his body in other places, caressing his body because he's so hot you can't help yourself (grab his ass while you are down there, don't lick it. Rim shot. That's just gross unless you like that sort of thing, in which case, I bow to you)... shit like that. But there's also the emotional stuff that goes on. You are bonding on a deeper level than a discussion about fireflies and soup. It's also often a result of the emotional bonds that take place outside of the bedroom. To me, it's a savage thing. I'm marking my territory.


P.S. If my mom reads this blog post... Nah I'm not going to apologize. It's good advice that even my own mother could follow. She might learn something. Who am I kidding? My mother probably could offer better advice.

PPS. If my kids ever read this post.. Do not give out any blow jobs until you are married. And you are not allowed to date until you are 37. And if you are thinking, "OMG my mom?" well just be happy I didn't swallow you and chase it with tequila. You might of lost some potential siblings that way. NO you weren't adopted.



Don't forget to comment, if you dare, about things you do. My husband will probably appreciate it more than he will ever publicly admit because I will probably try some new things as a result.


Update:

I found this gem today and had to put it here. The Grapefruit Blowjob.   You're welcome.

Blind Date that Sucked, literally and figuratively...

In the Powder Room blogged about a horrid blind date, and author Kerry Rossow did it beautifully. I especially liked where she said, "Topless men sporting mullets shouldn't throw stones." She asked our stories in the comments. Mine is too risque I think for her page, so I am posting it on my little corner of the internet and linking to it with a word of caution.

I am not sure how I ended up on a date with this guy, like I deleted it from memory, but I'm pretty sure a friend hooked us up. I really don't remember because our date was that bad. I know there is no way I found this gem of an asshat myself, like this just goes under rocks I would dare not move.

We went to some attorney's house. The attorney and his wife were people I knew from the country clubbish scene already. He had no idea I knew these people. It seemed to bother him that I did know these people, like somehow that moved me up a class system he didn't expect making us more equals or something... Whatever. The country clubbish scene was full of people I have little respect for, but this guy, he was just another gold diggin whore kissing ass for the networking. So, we already disagreed on self respect... Not a good start.

We partied in their house, a huge historical home re-done to modern times. We all drank wine. The attorney gave me my own bottle of Shiraz from his private expensive stash of wine, and kept offering to give me random things from the house, like some painting, a candlestick... It doesn't sound bad does it? Haha. Wait.

They smoked marijuana and rolled some ecstasy, things I didn't do at all. I was really shocked by this because the attorney was considerably older than me. It was like watching peers of my parents roll E. I assure you he does not do that at the country club.

Eventually, the party moved to the hot tub, with us in bathing suits except the attorney's wife, who was fully dressed sitting outside on the patio next to us, close enough to conversate (I don't think that's a real word). This is where my date was serenading me with sweet talk like, "I'm from the Pakistani Mafia." Then he told me all the history between the Pakistani mafia and the Italian mafia in town, citing people I know and pizza I love. You know, normal first date stuff like who murdered who, when, how they got rid of the bodies... He was obviously showing off.

At some point, the attorney, who is considerably older than me with some obesity issues, asked if I'd sit on his lap. Of course I declined that offer. He continued to ask repeatedly throughout a span of an hour, making me feel more and more uncomfortable by the second. Then I noticed his penis peeping out of the water as he is asking my date if it's ok if I sit on his lap. I clutched my date in desperation and whispered in his ear, "Please don't say yes." So my date picked me up and handed me over to the attorney.

The whole time, the attorney's wife is screaming at him, "She doesn't want you. You are old, fat and ugly, she doesn't want anything to do with your small wrinkled dick." As soon as my body left the hands of my date into the arms of the attorney sitting only a few inches from his hard on, I flapped like a fish and got out of the hot tub. The wife and I hung out on our own the rest of the evening, making fun of the men behind their backs.

So then we crashed at the house. I didn't have a ride home. I was drunk from the wine. My date of course was fucked up beyond repair and shouldn't be driving, and the attorney had quite a few guest rooms. I think ours had its own bathroom. Anyway, my date then wanted to have sex. He begged. Yeah. Men are so stupid sometimes. So I made him go down on me, and after I got mine, I rolled over and went to sleep like a master playa. I also made him apologize to me the next day, and I made him take me home, and I made him buy me breakfast. Fucker might of been from the Pakistani mafia, but bitch, please, I listen to TuPac.

I'd love to hear about your memorable blind date stories, good or bad.

The Mighty Tampon

Today is just a day about the period. Period. There were more references to a woman's cycle made today than I'm sharing in this post, but I think it's important we take the useful information and apply it to our lives.

First, I think it's important to understand the power behind the period. Huffpost Parents today shared a link to an article about these people naming their baby Krimson Tyde. They named their baby after Alabama's football team. Of course, I was confused at first because when I hear Crimson Tide, I think of my period because that's what Alicia Silverstone called it in the movie Clueless.

The question I think we SHOULD all be asking is why did Alabama name their football team after the menstrual cycle? And why do they have an elephant coming out of the A? If you really think about it, some colleges are the tigers, rawrrr, but Alabama has the most dangerous, ferocious beast out there as their mascot. A tiger just cannot bring that level of pain and bleeding... Is there a Kotex Football Scholarship?

So I think it's safe to agree that nothing will wreak more havoc than the Crimson Tide. And the only thing more painful than the Crimson Tide itself is sticking an elephant trunk through the hole.

So then a male friend shared a picture that stated that he carries a gun for the same reason he keeps a fire extinguisher. I'm like, "Why aren't you carrying a tampon?" I do. That's more important than a gun. See, I carry a tampon even when I know I'm not due for a while, just in case my cycle goes off. But if you think about it, if you are definitely worried about the potential attacks, tampons fit right into the gunshot wound and can save your life. It would make more sense for a man to carry a tampon for self preservation than to carry a gun.

Other uses for tampons:

• firestarters
• picked apart for earplugs
• nosebleeds
• great ammo for an improvised air cannon
• toilet paper (you know, to absorb the pee when the bathroom stall is out of TP)
• car antennae decoration for the guy who can't park
• removing finger nail polish (with nail polish remover of course, and better than paper towels or toilet paper)
• cleaning your shot gun (fits right through)
• detailing your car 

I mean, tampons are more useful than the swiss army knife. We should all be carrying one. 

What I did in 2013 according to Facebook

The Buzz Lightyear Story:

I ran to Walmart like I always do for things like diapers, and I see a Buzz Lightyear car thing on clearance. My 3 year old loves Toy Story, so that toy quickly became my toy. Well, I get it in the bag, and I hand carry that and like 4 other bags to the car. Every time my butt bumped the bags, Buzz Lightyear was screaming to the masses in the parking lot, "To infinity and beyond!" So I get home and bump the bag with my crotch, and this time, he was, "To the edge of the galaxy!" It's like he knows me.

It's official. Buzz Lightyear lost a leg. There's no putting it back on. The damage is pretty severe. We are talking broken pieces of plastic, which has the evil diabolical Dad's Foot written all over it. Now the 3 year old wants to draw a purple heart on him because he lost his leg in the line of duty. 

Things I could have invented:

The Sandman: It's a tranquilizer gun to sedate children

The Clint Eastwood: Vanilla Schnapps, rum, and whiskey, chased down with a whore.

Tim the Tool Man Taylor's Ar Arr ARRR Dishwasher: It's like restaurant style but smaller. It washes a load in 90 seconds. It attaches to the sink. The one they should be selling for households in the first place.

Cake Batter Flavored Pudding: In Devil's Food, white and yellow.

Amoxicillin flavored Jello: Pink bubble gum flavored childhood nectar for Jello Shots

The old school washing machine: I didn't invent it, but I want it back. This automatic push a button "so easy a kid WILL do it" crap is proof that many people in the field of industrial design do not reproduce.

Dependz: Kelley's Breakroom asked what you would want your Depends to say on them. My response... I think I'd want my adult diapers to say, "Badasses wear diapers."

The Mom: It's a Ford. A mini SUV like the Escape, but the back end has seating options, like you can sit 7 people and little trunk space (rack on top), or you can sit 4 people and trunk space, like the seat flattens. It will be reinforced to the strictest safety guidelines, have a 5 point harness built in one of the back seats, a built in DVD player with a separate speaker for the back than the ones in the front for radio and options to put in at least 5 headphone jacks. It shall also have the built in GPS but instead of just telling you where to find places, it also does reminders like, "Do you even have your grocery list?" and "Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately?" There shall be a button on the steering wheel (AKA the Sammy) that you can push where all the speakers loudly proclaim in Samuel L. Jackson's voice, "SIT DOWN SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET YOUR MOM DRIVE." The front seat will also have 6 cupholders and a dish that fits into the dash that can be removed and washed, large enough to fit 3 half-eaten ice cream cones. The interior will be designed where clean up is a snap by hosing it down at the car wash. It should also come with a sign on the back window that says, "Crazed distracted mom on board."

Things I did:

I was on hold. I just sat on hold for 20 minutes to realize they hung up on me. Since there never was any music, I probably never was on hold, you know, sitting here "on hold" bitching that they ain't got no music.

In January, I heard a ticking sound near my computer. In March, I figured out what it was. 

I gave myself a pep talk. Well this day better watch out. I said it might turn to shit earlier, well I'm coming at it guns blazin. I got my Mr. T "Shut up fool" shirt on. I'm about to make my day have a shitty day. Watch.

My recipe for Cup of Sanity was featured in Circle of Moms. Popsugar also featured my Lazy Pork Roast recipe. Yes, the only recognition I got for my blog was my food. Nevermind my mad writing skillz. Geesh. 

I met my mother's husband's sister's son-in-law's sister-in-law on Facebook. So that makes us step cousin in laws right? I'm being serious. I did just meet this person just now on Facebook. What brought us together? A discussion about meat.


I was sleeping in bed dreaming I'm watching a Harry Potter documentary, in it they ask these women what they thought it would be like raising various characters as children (yes it was a very good documentary had it been real), and one woman, in her response, at some point said, in a British accent, "it's like being house chef. We enjoy the duties, planning exciting meals and making them come alive on the plates, but then we also enjoy the house cleaning... " I woke up. My brain said something so stupid it woke me up.

THIS I actually remember doing…
Walmart stories... So I find a Wok for 5 bucks. Hell yes it became mine. As I'm leaving the check out with my grocery cart full (pay day woohoo) and the wok in my hand unbagged waiving it in the air, I'm saying, "I'm walking. I'm walking..." Nobody got it. Old dude behind me looked at me like I was stupid and cashier guy appeared confused. I was like whatever. SO I go to Subway and talk to that guy and he didn't get it either. I'm like, "this is a wok, I'm walking, c'mon now, this is punny shit." and finally everyone at Subway was laughing at me, but I don't think they were laughing in the way I intended it to go. Like they weren't laughing with me... So then I go to put groceries in my car, and I'm on the outskirts of a storm brewing in, like if I looked up, there was a distinct line between Bright Bright Sun Shining Day and Rainy Dayz. The wind was strong. Lightning was on crack. And my friend said there were tornadoes spotted in the area already (we don't get tornadoes). So this old man, possibly over the age of 80, makes eye contact with me, and I break out into, "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, it's a beautiful day for living," and then I held out my hand with a sincere look on my face, "Would you be mine, could you be mine." I think his wife got jealous. He looked at the storm brewing. Looked at me. Scratched his head and started laughing. That was worth it.

I don't remember this
I totally could have picked up this 22 year old man today if I hadn't been married by talking about how I need to shave my legs (showing him my hairy legs from the knee down). Now that's swag people.

Or this
And BTW, I did threaten the cable guy that if he complained at all of my messy house, I would castrate him. Then maybe I threatened that if he was thinking it and waited until he left to start talking shit about my messy house, I would find him and castrate him. Maybe that's why he was so hesitant to tell the 3 year old his name when she asked a hundred times?

I wrote a Fortune Cookie (online generator, not a real cookie).

We solved the age old question, where are Max and Ruby's parents? According to some random person named April, "The book's writer and show's creator say that they don't show the parents bc the point is to show how kids/siblings can work out small problems on their own. And that if a bigger problem arises, their grandma is there." I still think they are humping because they are rabbits and that's what rabbits do.

Maybe foreshadowing was a better word than irony? Irony still works because I didn't know that until just now, so when I wrote it, it is ironic that I was missing a good chunk of info you all already knew because I'm a little daft and slow and you aren't. Eh, it's too early in the day for literary devices in life...

I drove thru McDonalds and ordered "Vanilla Ice Cream in a dish," and I got ice cream cones turned upside down in cups. When I said, "I just want a little vanilla ice cream in an ice cream dish," the manager resolved the problem by putting ice cream cones upside down in an ice cream dish. She was a blond soccer mom. They now think that's how I prefer my ice cream and do it every time just for me, so I go to Burger King now for ice cream.

I wished everyone a Happy Mother's Day. Happy Mother's Day to all the women out there, whether you have kids or not, because I think if you don't have kids, celebrating this day anyway is the only way you will get to celebrate this day with all the shit implied with this day. A day to yourself. To get a break. To relax. The only way you get to do that as mom is to celebrate this day BEFORE you become a mom. So Happy Mother's Day to all you people who have a uterus. To all you moms out there, if your things you married and your spawns let you have some time to yourself, you should totally thank them with some home cooked meal tomorrow or next week. So far, we'll be ordering pizza. And to everyone who is all "this is the day we appreciate moms for their hard work," Fuck You. You should do that every day you dirty bastard.

I pondered deep intellectual questions. Do viruses have souls?

I made resolutions. From now on, I will be picking my nose before hugging or shaking hands with someone I don't particularly like.

I decided to start signing these as...

So what did you do last night? I walked around my house in circles looking for shit. Like I do every night.

I confessed one of my deepest fears of publicly shitting myself as a result of a fart. 

No idea what I was talking about here...

I discovered this website: http://www.softschools.com/math/greetings/
I posted this poem on Father's Day:

Daddy breathe again
let me see again
and show you when you danced with me
I stepped on your toes and only God knows
how much I cried
inside
the day you left me
how much I tried to give you life with memories
your face, your smile
your hands, your touch
your voice, your words
I need
to find my words lost in your breath from the day you left
gone, with the wind beneath me
if you could only breathe
I can open my wings
finally exhale
and be

I questioned my youth... I keep seeing friends of friends on Facebook who are my age, good looking men, and I'm like, "Is that Lou's boy?" Fuck. What the fuck was I doing back in the day? I know everyone's dad.
I found my usefulness in the zombie apocalypse: So it's very possible it's time to clean out my purse. I have like 5 Apple Juice Boxes in the bottom of it. Who does that? Me. Like I'll be real great to have in an apocalyptic setting. Stale Apple Juice from McDonalds anyone?

I learned how much it sucks to have a pull up in the wash.

I watched all the ole skool Star Trek episodes. Almost all of them.

I told everyone when I was a kid, I wanted to grow up to be the leader of the Pink Lady's Club. Movie Grease. The Pink Lady's pledge is to act cool, to look cool and to be cool. Think Pink. Of course I ended up being a nerd instead.

I had a telemarketer call and ask for a person named Abracadabra.

My PAP results were normal.

I made the world a safer place. I'm one of those people whose lack of coordination is a level of talent, like if there is a dot the size of a quarter of juice on the floor, I'll not only find it, but I will slip on it and land in a split. If I'm going to drop the top of a bottle, it will bounce off the countertop, off my boob and into a little glass of dirty grease in the sink. So when I say the world is very lucky I never pursued a career in EOD / diffusing bombs, I really mean it. In fact, all of you should stop now and take a second to thank God I don't work around explosives.
My bartender gave me his marbles since I lost mine. Story here.

I ate two entire apple pies by myself in a matter of 2 days for Thanksgiving.

I discovered coffee a la mode and Cinnabon Delights from Taco Bell.

I thought the sky was falling for a second and realized the kids threw a pen at me

I learned how to do this: http://www.interestingfunfacts.com/open-can-without-can-opener.html

I failed at the Vulcan Neck Pinch

Some woman at Walmart growled at my kids

Dr. Seuss Stories

Dear Dr. Seuss, I seem to have accidentally gotten your things. Thing 1 and Thing 2 most specifically. And why did you never write about Thing 3? I have that one too. I think they have possessed my kids with their evil thing magic. Where is the Cat in the Hat to clean this mess up? Signed, the mother who is starting to mind.

I swear I just figured out Dr. Seuss's logic. See i think it all started out he was sorting through the clean socks, and was like, 'One sock, two socks, three socks, four..." And then he wrote the entire poem, but then later was like, "Who wants to read a book about socks? What about fish? I can draw a fish. Let's do fish.

Ever scream at the kids, "Stop fighting. I'm serious. Stop it. Stop it now?" Ever choke on your own spit in the middle of your sentence? Ever dribble on yourself from choking on spit mid sentence? And I wonder why the kids never take me seriously. Sigh.

What my kids did:

One kid broke her arm at school, and the other kid got lice from school, so I sometimes wonder why I don't home school.

My two year old walks up to me, mind you she has this Shirley Temple meets Little Orphan Annie look going, and she's holding a banana to her ear talking into it like a phone. She's saying, "Yeah, I want to buy bananas. Hold on." She hands me the banana, so I talk into it, "Hello? Yeah? How many bananas?" She looks at me as serious as can be and says, "Mommy, that's not a phone. That's a banana."

You know those deep philosophical questions like if a tree falls in the woods and nobody is there to hear it, does it still make a sound? Or how many licks does it take to get to the center of the tootsie pop? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? I got a new one. Just how long can one kid cry because she got the yellow gum ball instead of the pink one?

So my oldest daughter wants to wait until tomorrow evening to brush her hair. LOL I was like, "Um, no." She's like, "Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow," and I'm like all sincere actory with my serious face, "creeps in this petty pace from day to day to our last syllable of recorded time, and all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death..." I swear I put some British actors to shame just now. Then she interrupted, "TOMORROW TOMORROW" I'm like in my dramatic singing voice, "I'll love you tomorrow you're always a dayyyyy ahhhhh wayyyyyyy" (because she loves it when I sing). After a good 20 minute debate about tomorrow which totally beats an Obama debate because she's pretty stubborn about tomorrow, which how can you argue Little Orphan Annie, you can't, that's why I won, anyway I remembered to eat my breakfast of champions. Two ibuprofen. Good morning luvs.

My 6 year old: "Let's turn the world into popcorn so everyone can eat the world" 

The 5 year old: "Everyone will get really big." 

The 3 year old: "Um, everyone will die. We will die."

So I go to take the older two kids to school, late, and the 3 year old needed to use the bathroom, which was full of 2 classes taking a bathroom break. Now i'm not sure how old this little girl was, but I'm guessing she was 5ish. She had one of those adorable faces that would be perfect for a Crest commercial. As my little one was washing her hands, this girl asks, "Is she four?" and I'm like, "No, she's 3." and she responds with the straightest most serious face, "I bet she turns 4 next year."

I was taking a shower talking to my husband. Right about the time my daughter walks in, I finish the shower, fling open the curtain, and say, "I really need to trim this beard, don't you think luv?" Referring to my lady parts of course... My daughter is like, "What beard mom?" and I was like, "uh..." she looks closely at my chin and says, "Nevermind, I see it."

I think I need to start ending all my parenting advice (not criticism) in "Of course, my kids don't listen to me for shit and they destroy the house, so my advice might suck."

What the husband did:

My husband cracks me up. When he's tired and the kids are misbehavin, he starts to go off on them for what they did, but before he's done with his rant, he goes of on what they will do. Mind you, they are ages 2, 5 and 6. He starts getting into their teenage years... Shit like, "When you get you get older and start to get all smart assy like you know it all, uh huh, just wait, we'll see who knows it all."

He grabbed my boobs. My husband is one of those men who likes to grab my boobs occasionally, like when I am walking, doing dishes, typing, reading... At least, in his defense, he doesn't make honking sounds; however, it deeply annoys the ever living fuck out of me. And then, he loses about 100 IQ points when he actually believes that it somehow turns me on and we should go have sex somewhere... Break out the Marvin Gaye, turn the lights down low, give me that good love, you found the g-spot in my cleavage, must rip off clothes right fucking now. So, to retaliate, I just randomly pinched his nipples with ice cold fingers. I think I shall make this a new habit.

We almost died watching a movie. So the hubs and I are watching the newer Die Hard, again. So it's at the beginning. I talk the husband into giving me a back rub, I hope, so I start to unzip my jacket. I look at the TV and the woman is doing the same in the movie. Then I take the jacket off right as a dude was doing that in the next scene. Then I tell the husband to catch me because I'm laughing too hard. He's seeing this too. And then I look at the TV again, and there's a man holding a woman. I pointed to confirm the husband saw it too. So then we both look at each other like, "Oh Shit," the next scene someone gets shot. Best believe I locked the door and said a little prayer until that part was over. We survived.

He got Boobed. With the way the kids are acting today while I'm trying to clean and no where near getting much of anything accomplished besides losing my mind and sweating a lot. A lot. Yes, I'm talking boob sweat. As soon as my husband walks in that door, I'm shoving my sweaty boobs in his face because he's the mother fucker that knocked me up.

The husband loaded the washing machine with blankets and its imbalanced humping the ground where you could probably get off if you sit on the floor near the machine. So I explain to him, "Think centripetal force, there has to be balance in the force." That should work since he is a Star Wars nerd. 

Big Headlines in 2013

The government shut down.

We almost picked a big fight with Syria backing up terrorists who ate a human heart on video. 

A white girl sued Paula Dean and her brother for totally discriminating against black people. Everyone thought she just said the N-word and was like, "that's no big deal stop talking about it" because they like butter that much. 

Miley Cyrus twerked it while licking the air. And she molested a foam fan finger on stage.

Robin Thicke pissed off women with Blurred Lines.

Some 300 kids trashed a football player's house and their parents wanted to sue the football player. 

Phil Robertson said homosexuality is a sin. I don't know where these Christians come up with this stuff. 

Netflix dropped Nickelodeon. No more Dora on the Netflix.

The KKK invited some of my black friends to join during their membership drive. 

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Parental Discretion

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