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Crumpets and Bollocks: July 2013

Crumpets and Bollocks

Crumpets and Bollocks: July 2013

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

The Village Idiots

It takes a village to raise a child, so they say. I still have yet to see this "Village." If any of you know where the fuck it is, let me know. I bet it's in El Dorado. I definitely have very little help with the kids. While I can't seem to find this village, I know it has to exist because I always seem to run across a village idiot. That guy or girl who has to tell you how to raise your kid, with fucked up advice, in a judgy, you suck, you shouldn't breed sort of way. You know, Stranger Danger.

It happens to all the parents out there, especially the parents of a kid with special needs. Why? Bullies always target the special needs. They act all holier than thou but they are bullies who fuck with special needs people. They deserve your spit for that shit. Yes I'm telling you to spit in someone's face.

But really what it is, people are like wolves. They prey on the weak and injured. They prey on children and parents who are busy taking care of their children. If they can, they will prey in packs. But not all of us parents are weak. Some of us, you don't want none of it. Some of us are tigers and we strike back. We strike hard. We leave a mark.

Prime example. From the Grunts 11B Facebook page...

Ok. I prefer life when people actually mind their own gotdammed business. If it doesn't concern you in anyway conceivable then shut the fuck up and move out. I just returned from the dentist where my 4 yr old special needs son had some work done. My boy loves his daddy and on occasion likes to pop out and scream boo to scare me to get a laugh. As I'm sitting in the waiting room playing angry birds to pass the time while my wife is in the back with my boy, my son pops out and gives a grinning roar to scare me and starts laughing. All good fun right? Wrong. Some cunt slurping waffle has the audacity to open her dick socket and proceed to tell me to "control my fucking kid." Not wanting to upset my son by going with my first reaction, my wife and I take the kids to the car. I turn around and go back in to get an Appointment Card for the next visit (or so I said). I find this bitch ranting to the others how some folks shouldn't be parents. This of course is unfuckingsat. I proceed to give this twat the what for in a fashion so colorful that dentists walked out of their respective offices to see what was going on. The bitch just sat there like a coward not saying a word until I was finished with her chin still on the floor. After the debacle I turned to the receptionist and simply asked, "Can you send a reminder in the mail for his next appt?" As i was leaving the waiting room erupted into applause. The moral of the story is?
~Cowboy
I never am so fortunate enough to have someone with me to watch the kid(s) in the car so I can go back in. So I have to tone my response down a bunch of notches, though the one time I let it all out, my kid behaved perfectly for a whole week I scared her that much, and it was funny because I never seen a fat guy run so fast before in my life.

I don't think I've shared this story yet in fear that A, I might be judged. B, it would confirm all of your suspicions of my crazy. C, I might scare you. D. someone might report me to the police. Maybe I have shared it in an earlier post. I do remember typing it up at some point, but I don't know where or why. Anyway... This is definitely a story of what you should NOT do.

I was driving through a Burger King. I had my oldest kid with me, and she was I think 2 at the time. Because I knew we were just driving through without getting out of the car, I let her come with me in just a shirt and diaper, a last second decision made on my way out the door. She was not wearing pants or shoes. I rarely do this, but don't judge people who do because I'm definitely neither the first nor the last parent to do such a thing.

I get to the drive thru window, and they can't take debit card orders in the drive thru because their machine is down, but they can if you go inside. I argued with the person working there.

"Can't you just swipe my debit card in the machine you would use to swipe it if I were inside?"

No.

"I don't understand. You have access to a working debit card machine that you are choosing not to use?"

We just can't take your debit card through the drive thru.

"But you can inside?"

Yes.

"Then why can't YOU use the machine I'd use inside? I have a toddler with me. She's not wearing shoes. Trust me, it would be a thousand times easier if you walked to the debit card device and swipe it for me than to make me come inside and do it myself."

I'm sorry. You'll have to come inside.

So fuck all. I went inside. With my kid. Because she wasn't wearing shoes, I had to carry her. The entire time. Easier said than done.

I place my order. They hand me cups to get the drinks myself. I carry my kid over to the drink area, and the little metal rods you place your cup on to get your drink from the machine were so far apart, there was no placing the cup down and it staying there. It takes two hands to then get a drink because one needs to hold the cup, and the other push the button. I needed a third hand or a place to stick my kid. I had no place to stick the kid. The area for the tray in front of the soda fountain machine was disgusting. It was covered in 50 different shades of sugary sticky goop with condiments (like someone had fun with ketchup). So I propped my knee up to the edge of the tray area, let my kid straddle across my thigh like a horse, and I poured two sodas like a boss.

Mind you I'm double jointed... Well at one point during the whole thing, my knee started slipping, and my kid started slipping more toward the knee. I needed her back closer to my hip. So I for whatever reason, with whatever I was doing, like my hands were doing one thing and I had to act fast or the kid might fall, I did some sort of thing where you know how you have a kid on your hip sliding south and you nudge the kid up in a way where she kind of flies up, like you throw the kid back in place almost... Something like that, I stuck my foot up on the EDGE of the tray area to incline my leg so she'd go sliding back toward my hip, all for a split second like just the nudge I needed to get her back in place, and put my knee back. I'm not even sure my foot touched the edge. Like all I did was throw my knee upward really fast for a second wiggling my ass to scootch a kid back in place.

I finished getting the drinks. This guy walks up next to me and starts rambling on about something. I wasn't paying attention too much because I don't know. I WAS BUSY. Fuckturd. Anyway, I was just like, "uh huh. Yeah. Thank you." Walked away to the straw area. He followed me and kept talking, all calm. I was like, "Uh huh. Cool." And I walked back to the area where you wait for your food. He followed me. Kept talking.

Finally I started to pay attention, and he was pissed that my foot might of touched the edge of the tray holder thing for an entire second, that I was smearing my germs all over the place his food would touch. I was like really?

At first, because he was calm, I was calm. It went something like...

"Dude, I have a kid on my hip who I can't put down. I needed two hands to get those drinks. I'm amazed I did it with absolutely no help from you I should add. And it's not like that tray area isn't already disgusting number one or there'd be a poopy peed filled diaper ass on it for minutes as opposed to the sole of my shoe for a split second, if it even touched it. Second, your food is coming wrapped in paper and put on a plastic tray. If you are dumb enough to unwrap your food and smear it across that disgusting tray holder, you get whatever is coming to you in the realm of germs."

Then somehow it escalated where he was screaming, I was screaming, he told me I shouldn't have kids, I shouldn't breed, I'm a bad person, I'm the antichrist...

To top it off he looked like Michael Moore. An obese version of Michael Moore.



I did tell him he looked more gross than all the germs on the bottom of my shoe.

Anyway, as we were screaming at each other, me getting all ghetto overusing the fuck word, with my kid on my hip the entire time, the staff at Burger King just stood there with their mouths hanging open. Finally I looked at them and said, "I told you. I told you it would be a million times easier for you to swipe my damned debit card your damned motherfucking self than forcing me to come in this fucked up joint and dealing with assholes like this fuckhole over here. I hope you're fucking satisfied. I hope this made your job so much more motherfucking easy on you. You lazy asswipes."

So then I stormed out with 2 sodas, 2 bags, and my kid all in my arms, and I get to the car (well small SUV, Ford Escape). I put the bags on the hood of my car. I laid the sodas on the hood of my car and spilled them all over myself and my kid. I get the kid in the car seat. Michael Moore look alike comes out, sees me struggling with soda all over the place, and laughs. LAUGHS. So I launched both sodas at the Burger King, smacking what's left of the soda all over the window of the building. I get in the car. And fat ass is now in the parking lot. Walking. Laughing. So I popped the bitch in reverse, gassed it up good, aiming for him. I really was aiming for him. I never seen a fat man run so fast before in my life. Then I drove off, laughing. Pointing and laughing. He was breathing heavily and possibly might have had a heart attack, one I was totally prepared on blaming Burger King's food on.

So basically, I probably tried to hit Michael Moore with my car once. I've also been known to hit people with my grocery cart, drop cans of green beans on their feet, and things like that. I stopped with the aggression route just because I'm tired, I'm not as insulted anymore, and I definitely do not want assault charges placed upon me. I now scream random things. Like now, I'd tell Michael Moore in the soda section, really loud for the whole restaurant to hear me, "Please don't talk about your herpes in front of my child. They have a cream to help with the burning if it's bothering you that much."

Now that is definitely an old blog post... 

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Saturday, July 27, 2013

Pardon my childish it's not fair I didn't get my way tears; I really am happy for those who got to go. Sniff Sniff.

I've been toasting every shot of vodka since Thursday to random Mom Bloggers, in my kitchen, with the fish (who doesn't drink). 

I really wanted to be in Chicago right now. In fact, I feel like a child on the inside, like underneath this cool, calm, responsible exterior, I'm crying, kicking things, screaming, rocking with hysterical overdramatic taking in breaths freaking out, it's not fair. Then I'm cool for a minute, totally forget all about it, and boom, I see a picture of everyone else in Chicago and I'm actually feeling jealousy. I'm not playing. I'm not just saying it because it sounds like it would be a normal response. I really am jealous. I'm not jealous of the women in the pictures. I'm jealous of every item that surrounds them in the picture. The Lazyboy sign. I could be that sign photobombing a good picture.

Right now, in Chicago, there's a "silly little" convention going on called Blog Her. Silly Little would be my husband's view. To me, it's the Disney World of theme parks. It has attracted some of my favorite bloggers who I've not only been reading for years, but i fell in love with their personalities so fast and so hard, I did the whole stalkery thing and found their asses on Facebook and added them as friends (for professional networking purposes, yeah), so we've also been chatting too. Only thing is, I have not actually met them Face to Face, though Facebook has the word Face in it but it's not the same thing. Now a lot of them are in one spot, drinking, without me.

Why am I not there? One the money. The sad reality is the Fairy Godmother doesn't show up last second to help you get your ass to the ball. Instead, life throws balls at you, extra curveballs to remove all options, like life picks up where the stepsisters left off. The moment I said, "I think I will save some money," that's when the husband decides to do some shopping spree on the internet. THEN, life is like, "I think your car should die, forever, and this next paycheck you think you are getting, it won't happen, and that health insurance that covers 90% that is shit hot? Yeah you're about to find out what a deductible is, and it's a lot bigger when in your face isn't it? and oh, there's your tax refund coming. Well you guys probably need a vacation since your husband's plant went on strike last summer (for the insurance), so let me just delay that for you by about 3 months, which is coincidentally the length of summer."

And Two, I don't have a babysitter for when the husband's at work. We are talking obnoxious hours, like whoever was watching the kids while I was gone would have to stay at my house while I'm gone with a 4 hour break at best in between the husband's shifts and sleep. I have one person I can count on for something like that, so I'd be very dependent on that one person's schedule. It's a lot to ask of someone too because my mom won't do that. I really wouldn't want to ask my mom because she's old and my kids are a handful. It would be like asking, "Hey mom, do you mind triggering your arthritis into unimaginable pain just so I can go get drunk in Chicago?" Yeah, doesn't sound too grown up on my part.

And then there's all the reasons listed here... 101 Excuses for Not Going To BlogHer 2013

So I'm not going. Instead, I'm staring at their pictures with envy. I've been to Chicago a few times. I saw it. I can still see the city from the lake. I can still see the lake from my old hotel room. I'm not jealous of people going to Chicago. I'm jealous of Chicago for getting to visit with those people.

And I just wanted to point out an observation... From the photographs I'm seeing, I've decided there's two main types of bloggers out there. Blonds and Brunettes. Like it looks like two families of related people. The blonds have a round face, button nose, and a fun loving smile. All the brunettes have longer faces, perky noses, and a Britishy tea time looking smile. Okay, some brunettes dyed their hair blond, but we know they should be brunettes with their Tea Time Laura Croft Smiles. Because I totally fit the Brunette description, I would have fit in. I just know it. These people are one of those tribes Nikki was talking about in her BLOG POST HERE.

But look at these pictures...

From Insane in the Mom Brain's Facebook
Patti (Insane); Nikki (MWDAS); and Rachael (RachRiot)

Look at them... They appear like normal women hugging in front of the LaZboy sign that should have been me with a goofy face, but in reality, these are some of the smartest, funniest, most diabolical masterminds of the interwebs.

Crumb Diaries, Insane Mom Brain, I Want a Dumpster Baby






From Kelley's Break Room's Facebook Page
Rebecca from Frugalista Blog, Kelley, and Rachael (RachRiot)

Sue from The Spin Cycle and Kelley from Kelley's Break Room




This came from I Want a Dumpster Baby's Facebook Page. They all look related to me. Like they all came from the same momma who just happens to have a bunch of baby daddys in her life. 






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Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Get your beer or soda cold faster... I don't know why I keep blogging about stupid shit

I don't know why I keep choosing really random, meaningless topics to blog about lately. I think it's because the Zimmerman case and all the opinions (especially the whiny ones on why is Trayvon famous and not this victim? What about racism against white people? what about shut the fuck up with this stupid shit come the fuck on?) has fried my brain to a point where I would rather talk about how to get my fucking soda cold faster, or ways to sneak chocolate bites when the fam isn't looking. I mean, this is the shit we should be talking about for a minute because really, fuck zimmerman.

Royal baby, props to you. Don't name it North West please like our royalty did. Russia, you were totally trying to intimidate China with those exercises like we did Korea, stop frontin. I guess the NSA is reading all our shit. Well if you are reading this, hit the like button, share to your friends, and don't forget to stalk my awesome, like put me on your favorites without incriminating me of something bad or negative. Anonymous, why so quiet? So now that I got rid of the horseshit. Let's get to the meat of the current events...

It's not only summer, it's the end of July heatwave thunderstorm weather's menstrual period. If you are bat shit crazy like me, you probably buy your favorite canned drinks, whether it be beer or soda, and totally forget to put them in the fridge. Or you wait until you are totally out to re-stock. Then you just really REALLY want that ice cold, almost slushie, drink right now, like a baby wants a boob (or a really drunken horny man for that matter, or a horny man for that matter, or a man for that matter).

So I'm going to tell you the fastest way to get that can soda cold, Mythbusters Style. Yes I totally stole this from Mythbusters. If you didn't see this episode, yes I know you are jealous of my nerdness, it's okay. Just don't nerd hate.

Grab a bucket/bowl/dish/some device that holds water, the size you are wanting to go with. Fill with ice, at least half way, but I usually aim for 3/4 of the way. Top with salt. Lots of salt. Don't sprinkle the shit. Dump it like a child adding sugar to Grape Nuts. Then add some cold water, like halfway up the ice or whatever. Mix it with your fingers until your fingers are numb. You should feel it get colder and colder by the second. It should only take like 15 seconds to get it really cold where the container starts to condensate. If it doesn't within 30 seconds, it needs more cowbell.

Then stick your drink in it. Wait about 5 minutes. You probably want to wipe the top to reduce salty flavoring unless you are drinking piss beer like Corona.

How does this work? You know how when there's ice on the road you pour salt on it? That's because salt melts ice. But the weird shit is, while it melts the frozen water, it makes it colder. How the fuck it does that? I don't remember that part of 9th grade science. I just remember this shit. You'll have to find a geek for that. Good luck and may the intellect be with you.



Note, I took these pictures on a mattress protector my daughter stuck on top of the kitchen island like a tablecloth for her party she threw for daddy being awesome. I think she just wanted reason to have cake. She's so me.

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Monday, July 22, 2013

Secret Sweet Stash: Top emergency things I hide from the kids to treat my PMS and womanness

This is more useful than funny, but since The Bloggess posted a similar blog today, I think I will post this. It's been sitting in drafts for a long minute.

READ THE BLOGGESS'S POST TOO

We women have needs. Something with the hormones and the vagina and the boob sweat mixed together that makes us have these needs. No, I'm not talking about emotional shit where you have to tell me you love me in a way that I can't twist into how it also insinuated there is another woman. No this is WAY more important than that. It's a basic necessity like water and air. Chocolate.

It doesn't actually have to be chocolate. It's just got to satisfy that sweet craving.

I'm not one to eat a lot of sweets. I've been addicted to Diet Coke since like 1993. I think I killed my taste buds with that. Sugar makes me sick. I have to be careful about ingesting too much sugar (or cream for that matter) at once. It's what makes coffee a difficult habit because if I mess up my cup of coffee at all with that, instead of waking me the fuck up, it knocks me the fuck out with a belly ache. I know. I know. Drink it black. I over did that once. My suggestion to you. If you drink coffee black, avoid drinking 3 pots in one night straight from the pot in an attempt to do 3 weeks worth of work into a last second all nighter. You can get coffee drunk with a coffee hangover so bad that you will swear off coffee forever. To this day, I still can't drink Maxwell House. Or Boones Farm Strawberry Hill for that matter.

Anyway, back to my point. Even without the normal sweet tooth, I still have sweet cravings, especially after eating a delicious meal. A bite of chocolate after a good steak dinner is like the cigarette after sex. I just have to have a bite or two of something sweet once in a while. I don't want some huge restaurant quality 10 dollar dessert. No. I just want a little bite.

Olive Garden Dolcini
Olive Garden gets that with these little desserts they came up with, Dolcini, though their Tiramisu is my addiction I can't refuse. I always order Tiramisu demanding someone to, "Share it with me," and then nobody else gets a bite because I ate the whole thing. If I get a tummy ache, it's well worth it. They also have those little Andes mints, perfect to keep around the house. You can buy Andes mints, or you can woman the fuck up and show some cleavage and ask a horny Olive Garden server for three handfuls of them.

Now here's the problem. Most of my favorite meals that require a sweet nothing being ingested after consumption are my meals, ones I prepared. And, keeping shit around the house that resembles anything sweet or fabulous is not really always possible with a husband and children running a muck. It's like trying to grow catnip with a cat. No. It's more like trying to grow marijuana with Snoop Dogg.

So here is a short list of shit I keep around the house to satisfy my sweet bite that I've thus far managed to keep away from the husband and children sort of.... In addition to Olive Garden mints...

1. Chocolate. This one is tough to keep out of reach of people, but I usually hide some in a bowl in the cabinet on top of the stack of bowls in the back. I also keep some far back into the freezer, usually behind the frozen chicken because nobody wants to touch the poultry. I also have one of those books that isn't a book. It's a storage thing that looks like a book so you can hide money in it and trick a thief. Well, chocolate often goes in there too. You could probably cut out the pages of a book titled something like, Human Anatomy, The Leviathan, The history of pi, or Great Expectations . In the winter months where heat isn't an issue, I keep an emergency stash in the car and my purse.

Oh, and chocolate chips in the baking section of your cabinets. Nobody thinks, "Oh there could be chocolate underneath that mess of flour, sugar, brown sugar, baking powder, baking soda, confectioner's sugar...." Just don't let anyone catch you taking from that stash. They only know what they have learned.

2. Werthers Original. For whatever reason, my kids don't like those.

3. Bit O Honey. Same deal. My kids don't like them.





4. Trader Joes Speculoos Cookie Butter. I will just grab a good heaping spoon full of that shit and lick it like a popsicle.






5. Betty Crocker Warm Delights. The good thing about nobody knowing how to cook anything that requires following the easy instructions on the back of the box is that nobody touches these. I keep them with the plates and bowls just in case they get brave and want to try it. It's really easy too. Mix a TBSP of water with the powder and nuke it for 30 seconds. Easier and faster than using an Easy Bake Oven.





6. And then there's Nick Mom's idea. I haven't tried this yet, but I think I should. Not only should I try this, but I think I want to decorate the living room in those shades.

From Nick Mom

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Thursday, July 18, 2013

How I make my Top Ramen (roll the Rrrr, and pronounce it Raw Men)

Just in case they delete it... I subscribe to Circle of Moms online. I get emails. They tell me when they do these recipe contests, and for whatever reason, I can't resist putting something. So this one was, 

As a mom, we know you've been faced with pulling a rabbit out of a hat when it comes to putting a creative and tasty meal on the table for your family. This month,the Cookbook challenges you to reach into your culinary bag of tricks and create a dish using 5 ingredients or less. 

Well, what DO I use to pull a recipe out of my hat? Top Ramen. I know. I know. Healthy shit huh? I also just heat up hotdogs sometimes, and I've been paying extra to get Nitrate Free ones, so there's at least that. Now in my defense, A, a lot of these moms do recipes that call for a box of cake mix. That's not homemade if it calls for a box of cake mix. and B, I did put homemade stuff ideas at the bottom. 

But in case I get disqualified, deleted, because Top Ramen did all the work... I'm copying and pasting here. The thing is I do prepare it differently, in a way I don't have to wait for it to cool before serving. We all know Top Ramen is cursed with not being able to cool in less than a half hour, even outside in a snow storm, and still at risk of hot spots to burn the mouth. 



  • Y'all wanted to know what I pull out of the hat for picky eaters with 5 ingredients or less... It's cheap too. I always keep Ramen noodles handy. I actually have a little basket in my cabinet just for Top Ramen (it sounds so much classier to call it Top Ramen, and don't forget to roll the R). Now the way I make it, it tastes good enough for the kids, but it's not that good. It tastes rather awful. The important thing is I get rid of that "wait forever with whiny kids for it to cool" step. Look at bottom for alternative cheap soup ideas to pull out of a hat.

Ingredients

  • 3 packs of Ramen Soup (one pack per child, in my case that's 3)
  • Water
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(Rated by 0 moms)
PREP TIME4 MinREADY IN8 Min
COOK TIME4 MinSERVINGS3
MAIN INGREDIENT Pasta
MEAL/COURSE Lunch
TYPE OF DISH Soup and Stew
COOKING METHOD Microwave
CUISINE American
DIETARY NOTES Quick & Easy














Preparation

  1. Grab big microwave safe bowl (I usually use Ziploc Storage containers, or some similar branded product)
  2. Crush noodles in the Ramen packets. Try not to pop it open and make a noodly mess in the process. If you do, don't clean it barefoot. Stuff is like shards of glass and shrapnel just chilling on your floor waiting to slice and dice your foot in ways that make Legos jealous. And why this step? Because have you seen a kid choke on a long Ramen Noodle? It's the most disgusting thing you will ever see, watching them pull a noodle the size of a garden hose out of their throat right before they throw up while you are freaking out preparing to do the heimlich, and then they look at you and smile and continue eating like that didn't just happen. Plus, they can eat this with spoon or fork. Spoon is easier sometimes for younger kids.
  3. Dump crushed noodles into the bowl. Set seasoning aside.
  4. Fill bowl with water that covers about 1/4 inch over the noodles.
  5. Microwave it for 3 to 5 minutes. Let it sit a minute swearing to the kids it's still cooking.
  6. If they appear done, go to next step. If not, microwave another minute and check again and repeat this step.
  7. Take one of those little hand held strainer things, preferably a plastic one as opposed to the metal mesh ones. Dump all the water out with a quarter to half the noodles in your strainer thing. Leave a little water if your kid likes broth. My kids don't.
  8. Run cold water over those noodles until they are cold.
  9. Dump noodles back in main bowl. Mix. Check noodle temp. If too hot still, take a portion of noodles back in strainer thing and run more cold water over it. Don't over do it or it's too cold. Embrace your inner Goldielocks. Find Just Right.
  10. Open seasoning packets and add to bowl. Mix well. Mix some more.
  11. Take a bite to make sure it's not poisonous.
  12. Serve in little disposable bowls of some sort for the kids (paper or styrofoam whatever) with disposable plasticware.
  13. Sprinkle a little parsley over it because it's Top Ramen and deserves garnished. I'm kidding. Don't do this step.
  14. Alternative recipes:
  15. You can pretty much do the same thing with any noodles (or 5 minute rice), water, and chicken or beef bouillon cubes. You can also add frozen or canned veggies to it if it sounds like it goes good with the cube flavoring you got.
  16. In addition, every time I boil chicken, I save the broth, Sometimes I freeze it. I usually prepare it by adding it to some egg noodles and a bag of frozen mixed veggies. Season to taste, depending on the veggies I have. Sometimes I'll add a packet of the Ramen seasoning to it (I don't know how I have extras of those floating around). Other times, I add Adobo, cilantro, Sazon, corn on the cob, tomatoes, and beans to spaghetti noodles and broth. Whatever I got. I just mix it up where it tastes good enough to eat.
  17. Note: These things are awesome. I get them at my walmart, frozen foods section... https://www.facebook.com/pop.and.cook

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Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Zimmerman. Racism. Sociopathy.


Fuck Zimmerman. He might of gotten off this time, but he won't next time. At least he had his day in court. That was something nobody thought was going to happen back when this all began. And fuck all y'all who think Trayvon had no right to self defense because I've been chased by creepy dudes with unknown intentions. That's a helluva lot more fucking scarier than losing a fist fight. At least a fist fight, you don't have to worry about getting kidnapped, raped, and eaten alive type of shit that goes in your mind when you are being followed by a creepy rat bastard. ~My initial response to the Not Guilty Verdict
Zimmerman's verdict of Not Guilty has everyone on the interwebs talking. Many are pissed off. I'm one. Not for the same reasons most are...  I also think a lot of people came late in the game and really don't quite understand the story. 

First off, all the people talking smack about Trayvon need to shut up. I don't know how those people sleep at night. You are a fucked up human being if you enjoy making fun of a dead kid. No wonder people like that like Zimmerman. They suffer from the same crazy. Show some respect for the dead.  

Second, my anger is about people thinking a person being followed in a creepy scary way is no cause for self defense. When self defense is defined by your fear factor, Trayvon had every right to Stand Your Ground first. He was chased. Running. In the dark. By a creepy stranger who refused to identify himself. Guy was probably trying to kill him for all he knew. Oh wait. The guy did.

When you remove Trayvon's right to stand his ground, you remove that right from women, children, and everyone else out there. You make it possible for a rapist to stalk his next victim (male or female) and then claim self defense when they attack their victim. That's just fucked up. That's some twisted shit right there. A lot of people need Jesus and Dr. Phil, and maybe a restraining device. Tell my kid she can't hit the guy with the creepy white van asking her if she wants free candy trying to grab her "to get her attention," and see if you survive mom's wrath without a limp. All you who think Trayvon had no right to stand his ground, fuck you. Fuck everyone that looks like you. Fuck your momma. And your daddy. And the horse all y'all rode in on. 

Now that my rant is over, the point of this post, the shit that doesn't piss me off. The shit that got a lot of you suckers out there. ha. Gullible.

Let me Recap how the racism went down...

Once upon a time, in a land far far away (Florida), a man reported his son missing. Just like any missing kid scenario, he couldn't find his son, he searched, he went to the police, gave them a description with all the child's information... He was worried. He was scared. Just like any parent of a missing child.

He finds out that his son was shot and killed. It is unclear how long the body was in custody of the police before the parents found out it was Trayvon. Some sources now say it was a next day deal. Others say it was a 3 day deal. I remember the news at the time was that it was days that Trayvon's body sat in the morgue as a John Doe.

http://www.examiner.com/article/trayvon-martin-morgue-3-days-as-john-doe-after-mom-reported-him-missing

http://abcnews.go.com/US/police-chief-trayvon-martin-case-resigns-temporarily-amid/story?id=15977847#.UeV8vtKmhQj

Like any other parent in that situation, they had questions and wanted answers. What the hell happened to their son? Why didn't the police do their job? Why didn't the police try to find them? They had his cell phone and no one thought to call the contacts on it? Why is his murderer walking the streets? Why wasn't there an actual investigation? When they couldn't get answers from the police, when they were brushed to the side, they sought out the help of the nation.

They created a petition.

http://petitions.moveon.org/sign/justice-for-trayvon-martin
http://www.change.org/petitions/prosecute-the-killer-of-our-son-17-year-old-trayvon-martin

One that went viral on the web. That was what the racism was about. The fact that had that been a white boy, parents would have been found and notified, an investigation would have taken place, Zimmerman would have seen a day in court. As people like I shared and signed that petition, word got out. President Obama even said something about it. I don't think it was until President Obama said something did most people start to hear of this story because I think that's when major networks started covering it.

By then, they were in the process of arresting Zimmerman, investigating, and preparing the court date. By then, the racism was no longer an issue. But the media, they were told there is this story of a boy wrongfully murdered in Florida and it has racism written all over it. That's the story they were promised. That's the story they were going to have come hell or high water. These journalists knew racism was there, and by then what was online telling you about it? Zimmerman's 911 tapes where he makes a racial slur. The media wasn't the only one falling victim to that. Many people jumping on the story's bandwagon that late in the game did as well.

Is there racism in this story? Yes. There are racist people everywhere. They are commenting all over the damned internet. Hate begets hate.

The only people I have ever known to believe there is no racism when it's there is white people. There's a reason for that. It's too easy to be blind to racism when you are the race with the power.

I think a lot of people have good intentions. I think a lot of people really are color blind, so much to a point where they really don't think it SHOULD matter that they trick themselves into thinking, "It didn't matter. People are making this shit up." But you can't go down that road because people are being denied their civil rights based on the color of their skin, daily. If we ignore it, we allow it.

But I will say this... If you are white, and you don't know too many white racist people, that might be because the ones you do know, know you enough not to come at you with any racist bull shit. In that case, you are doing what you are supposed to be doing.

But is Zimmerman racist? That you can't tell from this story. There are people who say he and his family are. There are people who swear they aren't. You can't believe most people in the Zimmerman Circle. Why? Because I think the problem here is George is a sociopath. People are telling you what George wants them to believe for the most part. There are times I'm sure he made racial comments to appease his audience, and times where he stood up for minorities for that same reason. When he's trying to impress racist people, he's racist. When he's trying to impress people of color, he's a person of color who believes in equality for all. If he was trying to win over the NAACP, he will be the hero to the civil rights movement. Is he racist? He is whatever you prefer him to be.

More on him and the sociopath later...

Why is he not guilty? I'm not saying the police forces of Florida are racist. I don't know that. I do know George thought that. Because they were victim to a sociopath's charm, they dropped the ball on the investigation from the get go. Was George drinking that night? Was he on drugs? What was in his vehicle? We don't know. The police didn't gather that evidence.

Then on top of it, prosecution in Florida is getting to a point where when you look at a lot of the cases as a whole, they just aren't as strong as the options for defense. A lot of that is because many defense attorneys used to be Prosecutors. It's like they all watched Devil's Advocate and learned from Keanu Reeves. Be a prosecutor first, pay attention to juries and how they deliberate, know how to choose your own jury... The defense attorneys, no matter how despicable they may be, they won the hearts the of the jury. They chose the jury that would give them the verdict they were seeking. They knew what the fuck they were doing. They had more reason to win because that's not a case you lose and think you are still going to have a career when you are not employed by the state.

And the fact of the matter is, the investigation was so shitty, the prosecution didn't have much of a case. It was rushed, last second, after they closed it all up.

Because it took making national news to get people to investigate and prosecute, it was hard to find a jury of people who had yet to hear much about it. Had the police and prosecution did their jobs to begin with, well, the early bird catches the worm. They would have had a larger, more educated sample to choose from for a jury. But no, instead, they were stuck with people who avoid the news like the plague. This is a case where the prosecution would have benefited from a jury of peers who do like to watch the news, think about things that don't pertain to them and how that affects them, the profile of someone who would have looked at all the evidence and drawn careful conclusions like they did from their computers. You couldn't find anyone like that by the time they went to pick a jury who hasn't already done that with the stuff the media was providing. You could only find people, like the juror with an almost book deal, who were stupid enough to judge a witness based on her education, a witness who just like them, didn't watch the news and didn't really want to be there.

http://www.mediaite.com/tv/cnns-anderson-cooper-interviews-anonymous-member-of-zimmerman-jury-who-defends-acquittal-decision/

http://www.uproxx.com/webculture/2013/07/persistent-tweeter-ends-juror-b37s-book-deal/

Why do I think Zimmerman is a sociopath? WHAT IS A SOCIOPATH? 

And to point out... THE FOLLOWING ABOUT ZIMMERMAN IS SPECULATION. NOT FACT. It doesn't mean it's wrong. It just means it's possible it is wrong. There are many facts though in this. The speculation does not make the facts wrong, and the facts do not make the speculation accurate. 

Now sociopath doesn't equate murderer. Sociopath equates a person who... Read the awesome article on sociopaths that i copied and pasted (read more with the link at the bottom). I'm sure you will figure people in your life while reading this. Very possible you know a sociopath. Very possible you are under the charm of one. They are everywhere. Especially in politics. Obama is probably not a sociopath to a point of diagnosis. He is most likely under the influence of one. But we all have a little sociopath in us. 

10 signs for spotting a sociopath

#1) Sociopaths are charming. Sociopaths have high charisma and tend to attract a following just because people want to be around them. They have a "glow" about them that attracts people who typically seek guidance or direction. They often appear to be sexy or have a strong sexual attraction. Not all sexy people are sociopaths, obviously, but watch out for over-the-top sexual appetites and weird fetishes.

#2) Sociopaths are more spontaneous and intense than other people. They tend to do bizarre, sometimes erratic things that most regular people wouldn't do. They are unbound by normal social contracts. Their behavior often seems irrational or extremely risky.

#3) Sociopaths are incapable of feeling shame, guilt or remorse. Their brains simply lack the circuitry to process such emotions. This allows them to betray people, threaten people or harm people without giving it a second thought. They pursue any action that serves their own self interest even if it seriously harms others. This is why you will find many very "successful" sociopaths in high levels of government, in any nation.

#4) Sociopaths invent outrageous lies about their experiences. They wildly exaggerate things to the point of absurdity, but when they describe it to you in a storytelling format, for some reason it sounds believable at the time.

#5) Sociopaths seek to dominate others and "win" at all costs. They hate to lose any argument or fight and will viciously defend their web of lies, even to the point of logical absurdity.

#6) Sociopaths tend to be highly intelligent, but they use their brainpower to deceive others rather than empower them. Their high IQs often makes them dangerous. This is why many of the best-known serial killers who successfully evaded law enforcement were sociopaths.

#7) Sociopaths are incapable of love and are entirely self-serving. They may feign love or compassion in order to get what they want, but they don't actually FEEL love in the way that you or I do.

#8) Sociopaths speak poetically. They are master wordsmiths, able to deliver a running "stream of consciousness" monologue that is both intriguing and hypnotic. They are expert storytellers and even poets. As a great example of this in action, watch this interview of Charles Manson on YouTube.

#9) Sociopaths never apologize. They are never wrong. They never feel guilt. They can never apologize. Even if shown proof that they were wrong, they will refuse to apologize and instead go on the attack.

#10) Sociopaths are delusional and literally believe that what they say becomes truth merely because they say it! Charles Manson, the sociopathic murderer, is famous for saying, "I've never killed anyone! I don't need to kill anyone! I THINK it! I have it HERE! (Pointing to his temple.) I don't need to live in this physical realm..."

Sociopaths are masters at weaving elaborate fictional explanations to justify their actions. When caught red-handed, they respond with anger and threats, then weave new fabrications to explain away whatever they were caught doing.

A sociopath caught red-handed with a suitcase full of cash he just stole, for example, might declare he had actually rescued the money from being stolen by someone else, and that he was attempting to find its rightful owner. He's the hero, see? And yet, in reality, he will simply pocket the money and keep it. If you question him about the money, he will attack you for questioning his honesty.

Sociopaths are masters are presenting themselves as heroes with high morals and philosophy, yet underneath it they are the true criminal minds in society who steal, undermine, deceive, and often incite emotional chaos among entire communities. They are masters at turning one group of people against another group while proclaiming themselves to be the one true savior. Wherever they go, they create strife, argument and hatred, yet they utterly fail to see their own role in creating it. They are delusional at so many levels that their brains defy logical reasoning.

You cannot reason with a sociopath. Attempting to do so only wastes your time and annoys the sociopath.

Beware of fact-checking the sociopath by asking other people under his or her influence. A sociopath will usually have a small group of cult-like followers who not only believe their fictional tales, but who actually internalize those fictions to the point where they rewrite their own memories to be consistent with them. If a guru-style sociopath talks about his "levitation sessions" over and over again, some of his believers will sooner or later start to form false memories in which they imagine seeing him levitate off the floor. So if you ask those people, "Did you actually ever see this person levitate?" They will enthusiastically say, "Yes!" Because in their own minds, that illusion has become something indistinguishable from a vivid memory.

Much the same thing is true with sociopathic politicians. If a particularly charismatic politician claims he has "created millions of jobs" even though his economic policies have actually destroyed jobs and caused widespread unemployment, his cult-like followers will repeat his lie and publicly proclaim how many jobs that person has created.

Learn more: http://www.naturalnews.com/036112_sociopaths_cults_influence.html#ixzz2Z8HCXxpx

Now I have a huge theory about sociopathy and autism which will later be in a book if I live long enough to write it, but I believe they are polar opposites. Sociopaths are interested in social things with autism interested in conceptual things. Their learning style mimics the same behaviors, emphasis is always there, social vs concepts. I also think it's a full spectrum, one that EVERYONE falls on somewhere. Normal is pretty much defined as someone with a balance of sociopathy and autism. The important thing is that I do believe autistic people can learn about the social ways from sociopaths. Observing their behavior like you would a wild animal for biology class will give us a science to the social realm, one in a language autistic people can understand. So with that said...

I think George is definitely a sociopath. A lot of shrinks see it. Not exactly severe, but he is definitely a mild sociopath. 

Using George as my sociopath, here are some hypothetical examples of what some people in George's life probably experience... (THIS is to help you understand sociopaths better, not to describe George's life, like none of this could happen at all this way)... If you worked with George, and you were a threat to his job, you'd probably get fired over some stupid rumor you don't know who started. He would be your best friend, and then turn around and tell your boss lies about you that are half truths based on the things you said to him. And while you suspect him to be the person to do that to you, you'd feel guilty for that because he's been such a good friend. 

It's almost like a sociopath has very different motivations than most people. We want to succeed, but we have a lot of emotional motivation working behind the scenes in the why we do things. Because sociopaths don't usually feel emotions such as guilt, remorse... some so severe they don't feel love... their motivations on a natural instinctive level are different. From what I've experienced with sociopaths, it's domination. If they get hired at a bar, they have to dominate that bar. If they get into a relationship, they have to dominate that relationship and/or that person. It's not about the money, or fame, or status... It's just domination. And don't knock it because you have that motivating factor too. We all do. It's just that many of us have emotions and a conscience that keeps that in check. 

George's girlfriends in the past, this is my guess as to what they experienced in that relationship. When things were going well, George probably made comments like, "You are fat, but I still love you." or "No man is ever going to want you but me." Anything to knock self esteem down putting him in the role of the Prince. He probably did a lot of the things controlling men do in relationships, such as spying, not letting his girlfriends hang out with their friends and family, illogical hatred and distrust toward her friends and family, crazy unfounded accusations, arguments without any provocation, treatment of assumptions like fact (like if you go out with your friends to a bar, you will surely get drunk and cheat on me because you know how you are when you drink)... It's also the profile of domestic violence. As long as he was in control, he probably didn't get violent. But the moment you questioned him, fact check him, confront him, he will respond with anger.

In addition, sex is probably very trivial, like more drunken sex than love making. I found the article about his molestation charges (with a girl 2 years younger than him, so when she was 6 when it all started, he was 8) incredibly interesting because the person accusing him of molesting her said he did it out in the open in front of everyone, shielded by blankets. Like he did it for the control over the person. You can scream, "Help" anytime. There's 50 people here who will help you. But I bet you won't. That's sociopathic behavior. That does not mean he actually did that. I'm just saying it's in line with his crazy. I don't think the woman making the accusations knows his crazy enough to realize it.

http://myhoustonmajic.com/3084862/george-zimmerman-may-head-back-to-court-to-face-molestation-charges/

Then the break up is when you really see his ugly side. I bet he called them all with, "But I still love you. I want you. Only you. This girl I'm with now, she's nothing. I need you." In that conversation, you let out the info that you can't pay your water bill. Then he turns around and tells your mother, "I saw her gambling yesterday again. She definitely has a gambling problem. I wouldn't give her any money any time soon." Why? Because he wants her to ask him for that money. He will say no. He will wait until 5 minutes before they shut off her water to show up and save the day, and when he does, it will be a public spectacle. He'll tell the water department how she sucks with money and is completely irresponsible. He'll turn around and tell her mother, "I had to pay her water bill because of her gambling problem." If she comes up with a way to pay it without him, he'll get pissed and insult her. "You are so pathetic and irresponsible to have to blah blah blah to pay your water bill...."

It doesn't have to be a gambling problem and water bill. Those are X's and Y's like algebra. Substitute whatever the situation calls for. Sociopaths take things you say or things they notice about you, when they are trying to dominate YOU, and they exaggerate to the people you trust, love, and depend on in order to kill your credibility to kill your circle of trust, to leave you alone in this world. They manipulate the situation so that they can be the hero. In many cases, the woman who can't pay her water bill can't because the sociopath who saves her just robbed her or hustled that money. Like the whole thing was orchestrated to a point of absurdity just so they can be the hero, which in of itself sounds absurd because it is absurd, and that's what sociopaths do, and they hide behind the absurdity of it. "You are the crazy one if you really think I'd go through all that for those reasons." Then you feel crazy because that was pretty crazy to think that. Doesn't mean you were wrong to think that because you were probably spot on. Again, this is when YOU are the target to their domination, which is the most popular stories I hear. People who date the sociopath. They often feel like victims of abuse, even if no physical abuse occurred. 

Why do I think George is a sociopath? It just makes sense. What initially made me realize this was watching him in the courtroom. He had no remorse. My rapist showed more remorse in the courtroom when I testified against him. That was my first huge red flag indicator. Then I started thinking about it. When I removed racism from the equation, that's what made it all make sense.

You may have a hard time following this. I've been studying sociopaths for years. I've read a lot about them, but I know a few. My sister, my mother in law, and two of my best friends are sociopaths. Just like autism, you can read and read and read about it, but you will miss a huge chunk of understanding if you have no experience with it, which is why I tried to provide examples... 

George wants to dominate, be the hero. That's all he wants. He doesn't care what color you are until he can use that to his advantage. So he goes into the neighborhood watch deal. He orchestrated it. He put it together. He put himself in charge. He got whatever he needed to get to make it happen. I'm sure he said what he needed to say regardless if it was true or not. It's possible the "self defense" course was part of that, something he had to do to get something he wanted, so he half assed it and showed up and did the bare minimum required to get what he wanted. It's possible he did learn a lot in self defense and just manipulated it to where he has everyone believing he didn't learn a damn thing. You can't tell. 

He gets his neighborhood watch going. He works with police. Follows them. Decides they are racist. Remember, sociopaths operate on half truths. So, he exaggerates a racist story with exaggerated more stories to support his claim, and now he believed his own lies (that happens a lot with sociopaths), and operated based on that.

http://tampa.cbslocal.com/2012/05/23/zimmerman-sanford-police-covered-up-beating-of-black-homeless-man-by-white-officer/

When he called the police about Trayvon, the racial slur was no indication to how he felt. It was an indication to what he perceived the people on the other end of the phone, the police who would later get to hear the conversation, felt. Basically, he thinks the police are racist, so he made a racist comment to win them over. To be considered one of them. That kind of bond is an important component to a sociopath's manipulation. He probably also targeted a black person on purpose for those same reasons, to exploit the weakness in the system to his advantage. He didn't just target a black person. He targeted a black person who matches the profile of a "thug." This again was for the advantage he needed with the police. 

That doesn't mean the police out there are racist. Most likely, they are like anyone else in America's culture. They don't want to do more work than they have to. That is something Zimmerman knew about them before Trayvon as well. Police also profile, and most statistics are geared to making minorities look bad for whatever reason (probably because society keeps the minorities in low income environments where the type of crime police enforce is most rampant, and I say type of crime the police enforce because most crime is actually in your wealthy sections of town. They just don't get caught), so there is definitely a level of racism going on in all law enforcement agencies. They profile people. That's part of the job. The argument isn't whether they do that or not. The argument is if profiling serves a purpose worth stereotyping at the risk of racial discrimination.

There are racist cops everywhere just like there are racist bankers, and racist Walmart check out people, and racist hookers... That doesn't mean the racist cops speak for an entire department let alone the whole force.

Now I can't tell you if conspiracy is relevant or not. It's a probability. It's probable he had every intention on killing someone at some point and all his "watching and observing," was just him waiting for the opportunity that felt right to strike. It might be the motivating factor behind creating the Neighborhood Watch team in the first place. It might not have been. The whole ordeal might of actually just accidentally led to something that got out of control and Zimmerman did his best to manipulate himself out of it. 

But I assure you he knew how Trayvon would react. He knew Trayvon was going to run when he was spotted, and he knew once confronted, Trayvon would fight before flight. Most of this is common sense anyway when dealing with people, but Zimmerman profiled that child like he did the police. You can't tell me he was smart enough to think the kid was suspicious yet dumb enough to think the kid wasn't going to try to kick his ass. Knowing he himself cannot fight, supposedly, why all the sudden the courage of Mel Gibson's Patriot movie over some break-ins, people getting robbed of their shit made in China that they overcharged their insurance company to replace? If you remove Zimmerman's sociopathic bull shit from it and follow his story fact by fact, it is absurd. It makes no sense. That is why I think Zimmerman is definitely a sociopath. The whole fucking thing is absurd. 

And add the fact that he tried to profit from donations made to him on behalf of him shooting an unarmed child... who the fuck does that? A sociopath. Seriously... I just a shot a kid. I had a gun. He didn't. I actually chased him for blocks before I did. It was self defense. People are accusing me of murder. Please donate whatever you can to help pay my attorney fees I can't afford because my RICH father. Thank you... AND PEOPLE DONATED TO IT. 

He was definitely full of excuses. He never does anything wrong.

Sociopath doesn't mean someone has a thirst for murder. They want to dominate, but they want to do it socially, not physically. For the most part, if one wants to kill, a sociopath would rather talk you into suicide. But there are people who have a thirst for violence and death. Some are sociopaths. Some have autism. Some are some other diagnosis they did or didn't get diagnosed, but you'd have to be pretty special to not qualify for any psychological diagnosis in this day and age, so special that there's something wrong with you. Some own guns, some don't. Some are black. Some are white. Some have blond hair, some have huge nose hairs. Some are ugly, some are sexy. One Fish Two Fish Three Fish Four. The whole thirst to murder, whether it exists or not in Zimmerman's case, has nothing to do with sociopathy. It's a whole other thing on its own. 

Edited to update... This was an article soon after the death of Trayvon Martin. After Zimmerman shot the child, he wanted black people to apologize to him. "The real kicker came when Zimmerman accused African-Americans of rushing to judgement and asked everyone who he claims rushed to judgement to apologize to him. Zimmerman said, “I can’t guess to what their motives are. I would just ask for an apology. I mean if I did something that was wrong. I would apologize.”
Overplaying the role of the victim, like a true sociopath... Never in the wrong like a true sociopath.... Shifting blame on others like a true sociopath... Fueling the racial nature of the media like a true sociopath... Dividing people like a true sociopath...

http://www.politicususa.com/2012/07/18/george-zimmerman-african-americans-apologize.html


Edited to update: Check out this video... Yes I think Zimmerman baited Trayvon, lied about some of the details, and was a true sociopath about it...

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=183531305155780

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Tuesday, July 9, 2013

I dream that someday, moms will have a place of our own that we don't have to clean. It would be a store called Mombies. Until then...


Dribbles and Grits Announcement

So I have a store at zazzle, cafepress, and now spreadshirt. Spreadshirt will be my main store. You will get better quality shit with that. I have more design room, and other printing options so I can make your tits sparkle. Zazzle will be the store where I place randomness words on shirts. Simple stuff I can do in seconds. I'll keep cafepress, but I probably won't market it much. If I add products to it, it will be undies and beer stuff and maybe household stuff. Less t-shirt stuff. I hate to make you go to different places for different chizz, but I'm not a multi-millionaire with access to my own inventory, and y'all don't like me that much to make it worth the investment if I were.

Actually, if I were, I'd invest in a few mom bloggers. It would be one major store of awesome stuff from Moms who drink and swear's brain, Insane in the Mom-Brain's brain, and The Bloggess's brain, (The Holy Trinity of Mom Bloggers) as well as the many others I love, and it would be like Macy's except there'd be a section to buy and sell antiques and silly strange unusual stuff like these...

From Insane in the Mom Brain
We think under the baby heads are petrified penises

From The Bloggess
This was sent to her as a gift, and she loves it.


I think it should be called MOMBIES. That is what I'd call it.

There would also be an in-store day care, and it would have pre-school teachers working there and a TV airing PBS and Nickelodeon learning shows. There wouldn't be any claw machines or anything that would require money while urging a kid to scream bloody hell for it. There'd also be delivery drivers to drive people home to avoid people forgetting their children because of the in-store bar. The bar would be called Barsucks. Like a dyslexic starbucks but with a bar, and an emphasis on straws for sucking. Yes, they'd have coffee too because there'd be a huge book section with a sofa for you to sit and read. Besides reading the fabulous books the bloggers have already written, there'd also be a Store Magazine with articles from peoples blogs. Yes you could get it free online, but the magazine would be so pretty and much more entertaining than the crap that's already out there.

I think there should also be an in-store spa and all day karaoke. In fact, if you get up and sing karaoke, you get a 5% discount. If you suck really bad, 10%. Because it's called Barsucks.

Maybe it should also be a hotel with weekly rates because nobody would want to leave.

Basically, Mombies would be like an amusement park for moms. We could even have an annual mom-off where we have moms compete for best recipe, fastest laundry sorter, best driver while having ice cream launched at you from behind, fastest cork opener, margarita pong...

But that's just a dream in my head for when I become a multi-millionaire. Until then, you'll just have to go to all our little shops to get our crazy on merchandise. Parade it like they do in the south (Julia Sugarbaker reference).

Anyway, Spreadshirt has a free store option, and a premium store option. I really wouldn't mind paying for premium services, but they will give it to me for free if I put this link somewhere. So, I'm going to sell out for a minute and put this link here. I do want to make it known, they didn't approach me with the deal. I found them and then approached them. I had already decided to switch before this happened so if you want to do a store, check this place out... It's worth it.

T-Shirt Printing

I will be posting links when my store is ready enough.

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Friday, July 5, 2013

Some stupid Air Force story because why not?

So a grunt on the Grunt Facebook page I like shared a story about BMT. I can't tell these guys my stories because I was Air Force, and Army guys always thinks they are bigger more ferocious people, so everything I say is invalid (well that and I'm a girl and should be making sammiches in their small minds, and I'm the type of girl who serves men knuckle sandwiches so yeah...). I know the truth about the branches. I'm cool. Some Army are badasses, yes, but when shit gets crazy, too hot to handle, who do they call? The Air Force. and duh. Air Force spawned from the Army. We became our own branch when we met aliens. People need to learn their history... So with that said...

In tech school, during the weekends, we had regular instructors act as our MTL's (babysitters). I liked these guys because we didn't know enough about each other to hate each other yet. So, of course, that means I'm comfortable enough to fuck with them on a meaningless level. I go to the acting MTL who was playing cards with people, and I told him so and so had a stripper in their room. He freaked the fuck out. Threw his cards. Stood up cussing like he was about to kick some ass. He marched, stomped, like a toddler throwing a fit, all the way to the room, with a possy of Air Force students all ready to stir the shit pot. He pounded on the door like the police. The door opens, and as he opens his mouth to scream, he sees it. The floor stripper. That thing where you strip the old wax off the floor... He turned red, apologized for bothering anyone, his possy was cracking up, and they left with their tails between their legs...


And NO, I didn't get in any trouble over it. Dude had a sense of humor. 

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Wednesday, July 3, 2013

PMS and Men...

So I've been discussing PMS on my page because mine this month is brutal. My normally barely C Cups have swollen into DD Cups, hard cups like someone inserted rocks to make them bigger. My ass is also an inflated puffy bulge that is twice the size of its normalness, and if I weren't so pissed off at the world, I'd probably enjoy dropping it like it's hot. But it's not hot. In fact it's all temperatures. I go from cold sweats to hot flash in point five, and it's constant. For days. Cold sweat for hours where I'm hovering over the broiler followed by a sweaty hot flash where I'm hugging the freezer just to get cold again....

Then on top of it, I have the mood swings. One minute, I want my own hotel room to get away from everyone and the next second I'm thinking that's not a good idea because then I'd miss everyone and I start crying thinking about not seeing my kids for a whole whopping night, and then I think how it would be awesome to not see my kids for one night just be free and then I feel super guilty for it because PMS IS A BITCH.

And that thought process goes for everything. Talking to people. Talking to other people's kids. Talking on the phone. THe husband. Taking a shower. Not taking a shower. Cooking dinner. Watching Dora....

Then the men come in with their brilliance. I think regardless of where you stand on the PMS psycho spectrum, you've probably had part of this conversation at least once a month...

Woman: Don't bother me right now. I have hormonal issues that make me mad over nothing and because i know that's not fair to you, I'm just saying don't bother me okay?

Man: But I'm really concerned for you. That's not fair you have to go through that. Let me help.

Woman: No, you can't help, and you are starting to  piss me off already.

Man: But I can make you laugh. Let me try with some stupid horseshittery...

Woman: Stop it. You are really starting to piss me off.

Man: Fuck you and your fucking woman problems and stupid mood swings like I'm not having one right now. Let me piss you off out of concern for your pissed offness. Let me help by making it worse. And now this isn't even about you or your PMS but about me and my stupid mamby pamby feelings, because pissing you off isn't enough for my sadistic evil pleasure. I must add guilt and make you second guess your sanity and self worth with it because I'm the alpha dog and you are the woman.

And then in many cases like mine:

Woman: Are you serious with that horse shit? (throw out evil glare where I really am thinking about divorce and murder at the same time)

Man: No, I was kidding. It was a joke. If you didn't have PMS you'd think it was funny. I'm sorry. I love you.

Woman: I don't know. Rub my feet. Then we'll see how I feel.


So I say this to all you ladies out there. Milk your men. If they are going to be inconsiderate assholes to you during your time of psycho where your body is preparing to tear down walls, whether it's intentional or not, whether it's sadistic maniacalism or not, use it to guilt him into doing the shit he should be doing anyway, whether it's taking out the trash, washing dishes or rubbing your feet. Yes you men SHOULD be rubbing our feet and our backs and what not because a massage therapist is 60 an hour. If I clean the house to avoid paying maid service, and I watch the kids to avoid paying nanny services, then you can rub my motherfucking feet to avoid paying massage therapy services.

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