Everybody wants me to spank or starve my picky eater... Bastards.

Someone asked me a question on my Facebook page that I thought would make a good "question and answer advice-column-like" post for everyone to read because I'm sure advice columnists get this question a lot, even though most advice columnists focus on LOVE. This is kind of LOVE advice. This is more love than a man can give. It too spawned from a sexual relationship like marriage... Mother and child. That's true love. All relationship advice columnists should write about parenting for that reason. Of course it's not as easy. Why? Because, "He's treating you like shit. That's abuse. Just leave the bastard." works out well for advice about your husband, but not so much for advice about your son.

The Question. Dearest Dribbles and Grits Crazy Bitch who Licks the Walls: (she didn't say that part. I did. It's true. Well I don't lick the walls. The 3 year old does sometimes).

I saw your post about the child that is a picky eater, and I was wondering, how do you deal with them? My son who is 7 is a very picky eater as in there are only certain things he will eat, and if he says he doesn't like what you give him, you can hang up him eating it. He is very particular about how food smells and what it looks like, so if he thinks it bad, he won't touch it. I have had people ( mostly family) tell me to spank him or send him to bed without eating and that when he gets hungry enough he will eat what I give him, but I can't bring myself to do that to him. I really need help...thank you

Discretionary Statement: Take my advice as it's relevant. If it's not relevant to your situation, don't follow it. You are not obligated to follow one bit of my advice.

Well, when I wrote the post in the question about my picky eaters, I had my nephew with me, and my 6 year old daughter is starting to develop her pickiness, and both are on the autism spectrum. Because they have heightened senses, they pick up textures, smells and tastes most people don't, so their dislike for anything is a much stronger dislike.  For instance, someone who doesn't really like the sight of seafood can usually get pass it to try it. Someone on the spectrum might actually vomit if they force themselves just like anyone would vomit trying to force themselves to eat dog poop or something. Some of it goes away with age just like every kid's fear to try new foods go away with age. Some of it doesn't, especially with autism.

There's more to the autism deal (like the brain getting stuck on an idea for dinner), but I don't know if that's relevant at all with your child. People often tell parents of kids on the spectrum to spank, give em a good whoopin that will solve it... BS. It doesn't work on autism. Honestly, most people who tell me that have assholes for kids so it obviously didn't work on their kids either. I personally would rather have a picky eater than some of the behaviors I see other kids possess. Denial is Bliss. So are Delusions of Grandeur.

My mother is the one raising my nephew right now. She does what I do... She just cooks based on what he wants to eat. If there's a larger audience eating her cooking, she makes a variety of things for dinner, like meat and 2 or 3 sides, so he can pick and choose what he wants and the other people eating her dinner can do the same (such as her husband who is like most husbands, another child). I have 3 kids, and they will argue about what to have for dinner, and sometimes I make 3 different things for them when it's stuff like hotdogs and frozen pizza and canned soup. When it comes to actually making food that takes some effort on my part, I keep back-ups of canned soups for the kid who doesn't want my dinner. Someday, I plan to stash a plate of leftovers and label it in the freezer for this (wax pencil is awesome for that kind of labeling if you can keep it away from children)

With my children, so far it's not that they don't like what I made for dinner (in most cases) as much as they are not in the mood for it. So yeah, they are spoiled to an extent, but I do the same thing. I don't eat something unless it's what I want to eat at that moment. The "do as I say and not as I do" rarely works on children on a long term scale unless they hate you enough to be the opposite of you. Last night, I made spaghetti for the kids and cheese fries for myself. My PMS needed Ranch Dressing if I had to drink it straight from the bottle.

The other thing my mother and I both do is the reward. Sometimes dessert is a reward. Eat 5 bites and you can have cake, or after dinner we can buy that movie off of the Xbox or go outside to play for a little bit (night time outside fun is fun, especially once the lightning bugs are out). This is a great concept for "Just try it, just one bite" and the reason...

They say with babies, you have to introduce a food so many times before a baby will eat it (I think 7 is supposed to be the magic number, but I think it depends on the person). I think kids and grown ups are grown up babies. We still operate with a lot of similarities as babies. Many of us sleep better with white noise like a fan blowing, just like babies. And with that said, sometimes we just have to be introduced to a food so many times before we will like it.

I also think it really helps to try different recipes with a food. If you can find one recipe your child likes with that food, he can build a tolerance. Much like wine. I started off with spritzers before I could fully enjoy a glass of wine. Example, for many years of my life, I refused salads. Then I had Olive Garden's Salad with the house dressing and the cheese. For many years, that was the only salad I would eat. Now I love salad, and it doesn't matter where it's from though I do often now crave Outback salad with that Mustard Vinaigrette dressing. Mmmm. My husband was the same way with spinach. He refused to try anything that had spinach in it, even in his 20's. I probably introduced spinach 5 or 6 times in a side dish before I finally got him to like it in a Spinach dip. Now he'll eat more recipes with spinach in it, and is willing to at least try plain spinach to see if he likes it (as everyone prepares that a little different).

Now when the pickiness is about an ingredient, you can find a substitute. Years ago, I hung out with an older woman because she was my boss and we were instant friends. Her youngest son was a couple years younger than me. He, even as an adult, hated onions. He refuses to eat anything with onion in it, even if you shaved an onion, he'd know and not eat it. We cooked with a lot of onion salt instead.

With children who have sensitive taste buds, like a lot of the children on the spectrum, including kids who are spectrumish, it helps to reduce the seasonings. My friend's kid, the one she spanks into submission and is the perfect kid and listens to her parents, she is a very picky eater. She refuses most carbs, and she doesn't like much seasoning. My friend is a horrible cook because of it, because she just makes it as plain as possible. Her daughter loves her cooking though, just because it's plain. I'm sure it tastes very different to her daughter than someone like me who killed my tastebuds with years and years of Diet Coke, cigarettes, coffee, hot sauce and booze. I mean, children have virgin tastebuds. Things that you find incredibly delicious might be more like dumping salt in your mouth to a kid.

Then of course, there is the lying/hiding with some ingredients. My other friend's kid who I consider a nephew hates "WHITE SAUCE". Again, this is another child who was spanked into perfection, and his mother told me many times how I need to beat my kids' ass... If I have mayo in something, I don't mention it. He actually loves a lot of white sauces, but he thinks he hates it. He'll watch me cook too, so I have to be super ninja with things like Mayo and Sour Cream.

Some of the food pickiness can be psychological beyond autism-like sensory issues. My daughter on the spectrum hates rice mainly because my mother-in-law came over for a week, cooks a lot of rice, and was a total bitch. My daughter loved rice up until that week. Right after the MIL left, my daughter has refused to eat rice since. Well, there's a recipe my grandmother had called Mardi Gras (my cousin calls it Tuna Mess). My daughter loves that recipe, and it has a lot of rice in it. So she is slowly getting back into the rice. She will also eat it with her China food because they eat rice in China. She loves Kai-Lan. If Kai-Lan's culture eats rice, she will eat THAT rice...

Be careful of health issues. A lot of times things like diabetes will affect a person's appetite. When in doubt, talk to a doctor and Google a little on the subject.

Nutrition varies depending on the source. The one I'm buying the most is a body builder friend. He's in great health and great shape. He only eats that which he can hunt or gather. Meat, vegetables, fruits, nuts (not balls, not crazy, but like almonds and peanuts). He avoids all starchy fibery things. I think a little fiber is good in your diet. I think diversity is good, but I think the main emphasis of the meals should be more meat and veggies and fruits and nuts than breads and oats and cereals... Again, it depends on the source.

I am, however, a firm believer that the body craves what it needs unless there's a health issue affecting that. We women experience this at pregnancy, and I think it's true for everyone of every age. Kids like sugar more than grown ups because kids are more active than grown ups. A lot of middle aged women crave dairy products, probably to prepare their bones for menopause. When I need protein, I crave peanut butter and meats. The craving is not as obvious as it was when I was pregnant, but it's still there. Whispering what I need. To me, that's real nutrition. And if a kid doesn't really want to eat a food, sometimes it's best not to give it to them. It might be their attempt to get something they think they want instead, but it might also be basic instinct. And how do you know which way it is? Your intuition. Mother's know best. You have an instinct and intuition as mom to know what your kid needs and how to solve your problems. You just have to trust your inner voice.

I personally think positive reinforcement works better than negative reinforcement when it comes to eating, but many people have had success with the whole, "Eat it or starve" mentality. That doesn't mean you will too, but it doesn't mean you won't. Every kid is different. What works on one kid won't necessarily work on the next. Parents of multiple children learn that lesson pretty quick early on.

And if your kid is not eating something (or eating too much), and that is a problem, then you got to find the source. If the source is a disciplinary thing, then discipline will work. But the source can be anything, like autism, food allergies... Maybe you are just a bad cook. Maybe not. It can be anything. I believe focusing on a solution as opposed to the problem is healthy psychologically to the problem solver, but I think there needs to be an emphasis on trying to figure out what the problem REALLY is before totally focusing on solutions, especially if you are looking for long term results and something that might solve more than one problem as something like picky eating is often a symptom to a grander issue.

And all this brings me back to the criticism... When people tell you what to do as a mom, you HAVE GOT to look at their intention. Some people will tell you what to do to belittle you. They don't give a damn about what's best for you or your children. They like seeing you fail. They enjoy it sadistically and maniacally. It strokes their pathetic little egos. So when they tell you, "You need to whoop that kids' ass because you suck..." throw that advice away. It's worth is a lottery ticket. There's a 1 in 385,000 chance their advice might actually be good for you.

Now some people do give advice out of a serious concern for your welfare as well as your children's. They are usually people who give advice like this blog but much shorter. I don't care if you are doing something wrong as mom. Nobody is perfect, so all us moms are doing it wrong. All us moms suck. AND all us moms are awesome somewhere along the way. I am not here to judge, and it does not make me feel better if you fail. I feel bad if you fail at something. I feel good when my advice contributes to your success. That strokes my ego.

And we go back to the mother's intuition. Your intuition as mother trumps all advice. Trust it. If you think someone is wrong, then let them be wrong, but you don't have to be wrong with them. Do YOUR thing.


Here's a link I found to a website that I have no idea if it's actually helpful but I found it searching for some image to stick on this blog... http://foodforkidshealth.com/