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Crumpets and Bollocks: If I were Bewitched, I'd Mess with My Old Neighbors and Take Over the World

If I were Bewitched, I'd Mess with My Old Neighbors and Take Over the World

This week, I'm part of two blog hops, so I'll be spending all day today and tomorrow reading lots of posts while drinking my dragon fruit generic energy drink. This also means I am combining two subjects into one post.

Secret Subject Swap

Your “Secret Subject” is:
Halloween’s right around the corner so in that theme you’ve suddenly become a witch (or warlock, your choice), how did that happen and what will you do?
It was submitted by: http://Bakinginatornado.com         



Finish the Sentence Friday
Finish the Sentence Friday Prompt:
When it comes to my neighbors...

You got to be careful with people, especially those who get a closer look at your life. When it comes to my neighbors, I am usually an idiot.

The sad news is, if someone is going to fook you over, it's going to be someone close to you. A friend, coworker or a neighbor. It's usually someone you never provoked, and someone who has no legitimate reason to hate you.  I run into these people all the time, online and offline as I have neighbors in both worlds. 

If I don't like someone, I still like them. I don't like something they did, but I can still like them for the good things they do. My issue is I don't really hate people. I hate evil, and people do evil things all the time, but I refuse to believe when someone is swallowed by the darkness that they become that. 

Funny Neighbor Music
Hard Core Gangsta Right Here... and shit.
And that gets me in trouble because I always give people the benefit of the doubt. I see the social red flags waving telling me, "Don't trust that person at all," but then I open up anyway with some of my deeper secrets handing them my fears and insecurities on a silver platter to use later as ammunition against me. I do this uncontrollably, without a mute button. And I think I do it because I don't want to be one of them. Once you start passing judgment on people's character, you're more apt to be the asshole I'm talking about because your judgment will haunt you until you hate.

When it comes to neighbors, here's some of the craziest dumbfuckery I've encountered that I'm willing to admit:

1. A cop neighbor put out an APB on all my cats (for running at large) because my sister had a black baby.
2. A neighbor used to sit up all night staring out his window
3. One guy might of raped me. He definitely drugged my drink and bragged about it. He was the nicest of all my neighbors at that place up until that point.
4. One neighbor went around telling everyone I was an undercover FBI agent looking to snitch out pot smokers. I still have no idea why she did that. I have NEVER worked for a law enforcement agency. Ever.
5. One of my friends actually had neighbors commit her because they were being assholes and she threatened to file harassment charges. They were also meth addicts.

Of course, I've also met some really good friends. My mother's neighbor knows all the gossip. If you see cops in front of anyone's house within a 25 block radius of her house, she will tell you the scoop better than the cops. My friend Missy used to come over when we were just neighbors and barely knew each other and have tea with me in the mornings and help with the kids. Irka, a woman who used to live below me, is the only person who can actually get my kids to clean.

So with all that said, if I woke up a witch?

Well I do know witches. I also believe that the occult is a world that most humans, not even the best of witches, fully understand because if they did, they'd realize the most powerful magic comes from within. It comes from Love and inner peace. It comes from God. Curses are real, but those under God's protection are never hurt. Let their be light bitches!

But if I woke up a witch, I'd probably be more like Samantha from Bewitched. And if I felt comfortable using my powers without any spiritual karmatic implications, I'd probably do things like... (respectively to the last list)

1. Turn my cop neighbor's dog into a BLACK cat. Just for a couple days.
2. Fuse the window on a neighbors face so he can look through it all day too.
3. Drug the guy who raped me, and leave him in a cheap motel room pantless with a tattoo on his left butt cheek that says, "Bubba was here."
4. The neighbor who started rumors, I'd turn her stash of pot into green tobacco. She'll smoke it and smoke it but never get high.
5. The neighbors who committed my friend, I'd use my powers to get them all arrested for the illegal activities they actually do, and their moment of getting cuffed would occur where my friend could watch, and a bucket of popcorn would magically appear in her hands for the event.

and things like

1. Float invisibly into the White house and talk to the President about world problems as a ghost. Things would magically happen in Washington to set this country forward. Things you probably wouldn't agree with, but when you have a good job where you can afford to amuse yourself on Facebook without worrying about rent or getting cancer, you won't give a shit how I did it. You wouldn't even know I was there.

2. I'd create an underground secret layer for my plans of world domination.

3. I'd create some sort of terrorist program where we take the international terrorists and brainwash them into being decent people. If it didn't work, I'd turn them into toads to be dissected in science class in an all girl's school so they can finally be with their virgins.

4. Westboro's buildings would all be rainbow, and no matter what they did to change it, it wouldn't change. Like if they painted over it, it would turn back into a rainbow.

5. I'd magically poof myself and the kids all over the world to travel.

6. A starving student trying to learn who enjoys thinking would discover the cure to some major disease, and it would spark a career for them and things would just work out to where it comes to people who need it. This would happen many times for many diseases, from cancer to polio to PTSD to that huge word I can't pronounce.

7. I'd do some sort of corporate takeover of Microsoft and change things to where their products function without troubleshooting.

8. I'd probably take a day to where every time a bank charged a fee, the computer keeps giving it to the customer.

9. Women would be getting hired and promoted in top jobs because the person doing the hiring doesn't want to become a toad with the terrorists. The mothers would get higher salaries than the men just because every culture places the burden of caring for the children solely on their mother. If men want equal pay, they'll start doing equal work, and I mean real work, taking care of the kids and house.

10. My most diabolical scheme ever... I'd clean my house like Mary Poppins. Snap and the bed makes itself. Snap and the clothes fold itself. Snap and the dishes wash themselves. And when I say, "Stop fighting," and the kids don't, I can snap my fingers and instantly pause them for a time out.


READ MORE FINISH THE SENTENCE FRIDAY AT FINDING NINEE

CHECK OUT SECRET SUBJECT SWAP AT THE LINKS BELOW

Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts.  Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:

http://www.BakingInATornado.com                          Baking In A Tornado
http://themomisodes.com                                       The Momisodes
http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/                          Spatulas on Parade
http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/                      Stacy Sews and Schools
http://berghamchronicles.blogspot.com                   The Bergham's Life Chronicles                                            
http://www.eviljoyspeaks.wordpress.com                       Evil Joy Speaks
http://dinoheromommy.com/                                      Dinosaur Superhero Mommy
http://www.silenceofthemom.blogspot.com                    Silence of the Mom
http://climaxedtheblog.blogspot.com                                Climaxed
http://sparklyjenn.blogspot.com/                                  Sparkly Poetic Weirdo
http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com                           Someone Else’s Genius
http://www.crumpetsandbollocks.com                       Crumpets and Bollocks
  http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch/                        Confessions of a part-time working mom
http://www.smalltalkmama.com                            Small Talk Mama



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Crumpets and Bollocks: If I were Bewitched, I'd Mess with My Old Neighbors and Take Over the World

Thursday, October 2, 2014

If I were Bewitched, I'd Mess with My Old Neighbors and Take Over the World

This week, I'm part of two blog hops, so I'll be spending all day today and tomorrow reading lots of posts while drinking my dragon fruit generic energy drink. This also means I am combining two subjects into one post.

Secret Subject Swap

Your “Secret Subject” is:
Halloween’s right around the corner so in that theme you’ve suddenly become a witch (or warlock, your choice), how did that happen and what will you do?
It was submitted by: http://Bakinginatornado.com         



Finish the Sentence Friday
Finish the Sentence Friday Prompt:
When it comes to my neighbors...

You got to be careful with people, especially those who get a closer look at your life. When it comes to my neighbors, I am usually an idiot.

The sad news is, if someone is going to fook you over, it's going to be someone close to you. A friend, coworker or a neighbor. It's usually someone you never provoked, and someone who has no legitimate reason to hate you.  I run into these people all the time, online and offline as I have neighbors in both worlds. 

If I don't like someone, I still like them. I don't like something they did, but I can still like them for the good things they do. My issue is I don't really hate people. I hate evil, and people do evil things all the time, but I refuse to believe when someone is swallowed by the darkness that they become that. 

Funny Neighbor Music
Hard Core Gangsta Right Here... and shit.
And that gets me in trouble because I always give people the benefit of the doubt. I see the social red flags waving telling me, "Don't trust that person at all," but then I open up anyway with some of my deeper secrets handing them my fears and insecurities on a silver platter to use later as ammunition against me. I do this uncontrollably, without a mute button. And I think I do it because I don't want to be one of them. Once you start passing judgment on people's character, you're more apt to be the asshole I'm talking about because your judgment will haunt you until you hate.

When it comes to neighbors, here's some of the craziest dumbfuckery I've encountered that I'm willing to admit:

1. A cop neighbor put out an APB on all my cats (for running at large) because my sister had a black baby.
2. A neighbor used to sit up all night staring out his window
3. One guy might of raped me. He definitely drugged my drink and bragged about it. He was the nicest of all my neighbors at that place up until that point.
4. One neighbor went around telling everyone I was an undercover FBI agent looking to snitch out pot smokers. I still have no idea why she did that. I have NEVER worked for a law enforcement agency. Ever.
5. One of my friends actually had neighbors commit her because they were being assholes and she threatened to file harassment charges. They were also meth addicts.

Of course, I've also met some really good friends. My mother's neighbor knows all the gossip. If you see cops in front of anyone's house within a 25 block radius of her house, she will tell you the scoop better than the cops. My friend Missy used to come over when we were just neighbors and barely knew each other and have tea with me in the mornings and help with the kids. Irka, a woman who used to live below me, is the only person who can actually get my kids to clean.

So with all that said, if I woke up a witch?

Well I do know witches. I also believe that the occult is a world that most humans, not even the best of witches, fully understand because if they did, they'd realize the most powerful magic comes from within. It comes from Love and inner peace. It comes from God. Curses are real, but those under God's protection are never hurt. Let their be light bitches!

But if I woke up a witch, I'd probably be more like Samantha from Bewitched. And if I felt comfortable using my powers without any spiritual karmatic implications, I'd probably do things like... (respectively to the last list)

1. Turn my cop neighbor's dog into a BLACK cat. Just for a couple days.
2. Fuse the window on a neighbors face so he can look through it all day too.
3. Drug the guy who raped me, and leave him in a cheap motel room pantless with a tattoo on his left butt cheek that says, "Bubba was here."
4. The neighbor who started rumors, I'd turn her stash of pot into green tobacco. She'll smoke it and smoke it but never get high.
5. The neighbors who committed my friend, I'd use my powers to get them all arrested for the illegal activities they actually do, and their moment of getting cuffed would occur where my friend could watch, and a bucket of popcorn would magically appear in her hands for the event.

and things like

1. Float invisibly into the White house and talk to the President about world problems as a ghost. Things would magically happen in Washington to set this country forward. Things you probably wouldn't agree with, but when you have a good job where you can afford to amuse yourself on Facebook without worrying about rent or getting cancer, you won't give a shit how I did it. You wouldn't even know I was there.

2. I'd create an underground secret layer for my plans of world domination.

3. I'd create some sort of terrorist program where we take the international terrorists and brainwash them into being decent people. If it didn't work, I'd turn them into toads to be dissected in science class in an all girl's school so they can finally be with their virgins.

4. Westboro's buildings would all be rainbow, and no matter what they did to change it, it wouldn't change. Like if they painted over it, it would turn back into a rainbow.

5. I'd magically poof myself and the kids all over the world to travel.

6. A starving student trying to learn who enjoys thinking would discover the cure to some major disease, and it would spark a career for them and things would just work out to where it comes to people who need it. This would happen many times for many diseases, from cancer to polio to PTSD to that huge word I can't pronounce.

7. I'd do some sort of corporate takeover of Microsoft and change things to where their products function without troubleshooting.

8. I'd probably take a day to where every time a bank charged a fee, the computer keeps giving it to the customer.

9. Women would be getting hired and promoted in top jobs because the person doing the hiring doesn't want to become a toad with the terrorists. The mothers would get higher salaries than the men just because every culture places the burden of caring for the children solely on their mother. If men want equal pay, they'll start doing equal work, and I mean real work, taking care of the kids and house.

10. My most diabolical scheme ever... I'd clean my house like Mary Poppins. Snap and the bed makes itself. Snap and the clothes fold itself. Snap and the dishes wash themselves. And when I say, "Stop fighting," and the kids don't, I can snap my fingers and instantly pause them for a time out.



CHECK OUT SECRET SUBJECT SWAP AT THE LINKS BELOW

Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts.  Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:

http://www.BakingInATornado.com                          Baking In A Tornado
http://themomisodes.com                                       The Momisodes
http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/                          Spatulas on Parade
http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/                      Stacy Sews and Schools
http://berghamchronicles.blogspot.com                   The Bergham's Life Chronicles                                            
http://www.eviljoyspeaks.wordpress.com                       Evil Joy Speaks
http://dinoheromommy.com/                                      Dinosaur Superhero Mommy
http://www.silenceofthemom.blogspot.com                    Silence of the Mom
http://climaxedtheblog.blogspot.com                                Climaxed
http://sparklyjenn.blogspot.com/                                  Sparkly Poetic Weirdo
http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com                           Someone Else’s Genius
http://www.crumpetsandbollocks.com                       Crumpets and Bollocks
  http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch/                        Confessions of a part-time working mom
http://www.smalltalkmama.com                            Small Talk Mama



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