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Crumpets and Bollocks: June 2014

Crumpets and Bollocks

Crumpets and Bollocks: June 2014

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Bavarian Cream Cheesecake Pastry

Bavarian Cream Cheesecake

1 cup Bavarian Cream (I'll provide the recipe I used below)
8 oz package of Mascarpone Cheese
1/2 Cup Powdered Sugar

Mix that together. I mixed it before I let the Bavarian Cream chill completely (like it chilled probably a half hour when I mixed them up) and then let it chill overnight in the fridge.

Then you take Pastry Puffs from the frozen food section, thaw, open one up and slice it 3 ways to get the desire width, and then bake at 400 for like 15 minutes. Then once it cools, take two and layer with a thick layer of the bavarian cheesecake stuff in between. I put a little of the cream on top as well. Then I drizzled Chocolate syrup and sprinkled some powdered sugar and cocoa.

The cheese mixture is delicious by itself, and you could probably make an actual cheesecake with it, but it's kinda more creamy than cheesecakeish. If I were to turn it into a pie, I would probably smash biscotti and use butter to hold it together for a crust and then fill with mixture before it fully chills and then let it chill overnight. You might mix/whip it longer before letting it go in if you used heavy whipping cream in the bavarian cream or increase the amount of gelatin used, like you'd have to play with it. It would probably be a good tirimisu topping too.

The Bavarian Cream Recipe

It makes a lot more cream than you need for my recipe, but you can eat that too :)

Ingredients: Servings: 6 Units: US | Metric

1 envelope unflavored gelatin
1/4 cup cold water
4 egg yolks
3/4 cup sugar
1 cup milk
2 teaspoons vanilla
1 cup whipping cream

Directions:

1 This gelatin-based custard must be made several hours before you plan to serve it.

2 It's great paired with cut-up fresh strawberries, or a mixture of fruit-- or with a rich butterscotch sauce.

3 INSTRUCTIONS: Preparing the gelatin: Sprinkle the gelatin over the cold water; stir to blend.

4 Set aside to soften for 5 minutes.

5 (It won't hurt to let it sit longer.) Mixing the ingredients: Put the yolks in a bowl and, using a whisk or fork, stir briskly to blend.

6 Slowly add the sugar and continue to stir until well mixed.

7 Cooking the custard: Pour the milk into a saucepan and place over medium-high heat.

8 Stand right by the stove and watch for tiny milk bubbles to form around the edge of the pan.

9 The milk should be hot, but not boiling.

10 It is better to underheat than to boil.

11 As long as the milk is hot it will work fine.

12 Pour the yolk/sugar mixture into the hot milk, then add the softened gelatin and stir with a large spoon or whisk to blend well.

13 Cook, stirring slowly, but constantly for 3 or 4 minutes.

14 Tilt the pan until you can see the bottom.

15 If there is a thin coat of custard on the bottom that doesn't flow as readily as the rest, it's ready.

16 Remove from heat.

17 Do not let the custard boil; it will be fine if you remove it too soon rather that too late.

18 Stir in the vanilla.

19 Pour the custard into a bowl and refrigerate for 30 minutes, or just long enough for it to begin to gel.

20 It should be thick but pourable.

21 This last step is the secret of a fabulous Bavarian Cream: Beat the cream only until it holds soft peaks.

22 If the cream is too stiff, the dessert will be too firm.

23 Fold the whipped cream into the custard.

24 Spoon into a 2-quart mold or bowl, cover with plastic wrap or a lid and refrigerate several hours, to allow the dessert to gel.

25 If the Bavarian Cream is in a mold, turn it out onto a plate before serving. 26 Otherwise, spoon into dessert bowls.

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Thursday, June 26, 2014

My Pussy will be bigger than yours someday, though it already obviously is.

Let me tell you what's wrong with people today. It's the bitchy whiny shit. I'm offended that you said fuck. Well I'm offended you got offended you whiny little bitch. You can't buy that gun because someone died from a gun once. Really? I don't think you should... I think you are... Basically, I'm telling you how to live your life because I'm a self-proclaimed superior to you.

My story tonight pissed me off and makes me think I'm in the movie Idiocracy... I blame public education.

Some "friend" on Facebook posts a picture of a Savannah Cat as if he wants one. As if they are awesomely cool, and they are. This is the picture he posted...


One of his friends comments that they are 20 grand. I comment that I've seen them for 1500, I hope they aren't 20 grand because I plan on getting one some day. Yes. I confess to you all here and now, I want a Savannah Cat. Oh the Humanity!

So then this blond twit gets on there with something along the lines of, "I can't believe people would spend money on a cat when there's so many for free in the shelter. It's wrong to buy a cat."

Right under my comment about buying the cat. Right under it! Yeah.

I could let it slide. Maybe she didn't notice my comment? Who the fuck am I fooling? She noticed. That's why she said what she said. Am I going to let it slide? Hell no. I'm sick of people doing that shit. They think it's ok because they are passive aggressively judging you on something stupid. Bull shit. An ass is an ass.

So I comment something along the lines, "My money is my money, and how I want to spend it is my choice. Quit worrying about what other people are doing and worry about what you are doing."

And this other friend of his who had the name of a black man yet was white and scrawny (had to point out, it's just an observation, I have yet to get to a point where I'm ready to make fun of that in my head) had to jump in and troll. "No you buying that cat is condoning the overbreeding of the poor female cats. Not to mention you aren't helping a cat in a shelter."

I pointed out his clothes were most likely made in sweat shops and his bank most likely received a government hand-out bail-out.

Then he argued that his clothes are made in sweat shops, but that's ok because he bought them second-hand and he had no choice. He had no choice in what clothes he wears. Me buying a cat is still wrong because buying a cat (unlike buying clothes) is a choice.

So I stuck to my guns... Don't play that holier than thou stuff with me. You need to worry about where you spend your money and I will worry about mine.

Then the twit chimes in with... "It's unethical" and various other choice words, "How dare you call us names? Quit complaining you complainer."

I'm like, "No it's not unethical, and you are rude. Where did you get your manners? Church? Need I remind you who is complaining?"

Then the guy was like, "You are performing ad hominem which makes you stupid and wrong."

So I googled Ad Hominen, and I'm thinking, how ironic... or hypocritical or something.

"1: appealing to feelings or prejudices rather than intellect
2: marked by or being an attack on an opponent's character rather than by an answer to the contentions made"

So basically, calling me unethical and immoral, judging my character based on how I want to spend my money and then criticizing it as their argument for ethics... that is not a fallacy to their argument. But me saying "quit bitching and worry about what you do" is... This guy is completely at a disadvantage when it comes to IQ points. That's not an attack on his character. That's an actual fact. 

Then I pointed out it wasn't ad hominem, and this isn't an argument. It was simply they got on a high horse and I kindly knocked them off of it. It was simply I'm straight telling them they are not only rude, but also stupid. There is nothing to argue. 

He was like, "See, that's ad hominem." 

But the twit calling me Psycho, however, is not. ... which I should say, calling someone psycho really isn't that much different than calling someone retarded. As a psycho, I'm kind of offended that someone would make fun of my mental health, but you know what? I grew a pair and got the fuck over it. 

Before I could explain that just because I think he was stupider than tits on a bull, I wasn't saying that means he's wrong, I was blocked by the guy who wanted the cat to begin with. Yeah. He picked their side. And that totally redefines stupid to me at this point...

So basically, I'm going to hell because I want to buy a cat. I'm wrong because I want to buy a cat. God forbid I want to buy a cat. And who is trying to stop me? Not them according to them. And the guy who also wanted to buy a cat? He took their side about how that's immoral in a "debate." 

I blame public education. 

If you are one of those people who tell people how to live like that? I'm straight telling you (yeah I am using your logic against you here). Get the dick out of your ass so that you may remove your head from that hole, and then open your eyes. OMG! There's a world out there, and it's different than yours. 

And if I want to pay a few grand for a damn cat, I will pay a few grand for a damn cat. I will train it to eat your cat because fuck you, that's why. My cat is bigger than yours. 


P.S. I ran out of cold diet coke, and it's too late for energy drinks, so I had nothing else but vodka to drink, so I wrote this post slightly pissed off at the stupidity of mankind and buzzed. Forgetting to put fresh Diet Coke in the fridge, I also blame public education for that one. Not really, but I might as well. It's always their fault. 

P.P.S. I probably won't train my cat to eat yours because my cat will have taste, and it's kind of mean. I'm usually not a bitch. Some people just bring out the bitch in me. 

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Monday, June 23, 2014

Operation Mombie Apocalypse Bwa haha haha: Step 1

Dear Moms. it's time we tackle on that item that's been on our to-do list for centuries. It's time we take over the world. 

I know what you are thinking. You have that broom stick in your hand, and you have realized, "She's right. It is time." and with a straight face, you have set the broom stick aside to read this. Nice to have you on board. Not the ironing board. It's metaphorical to being on board ship... Glad you can join us. 

Grab your weapon of choice, whether it's wine or coffee, and let's get our game faces on. 

It's the Mombie Apocalypse

STEP 1: Occupy Industrial Design
(future steps will hopefully be inserted here as I write them... it's a series)

I'm so sick of everything I use in this house being designed by a man who has never used the contraption to be useful. Every time they "improve" on a gadget, they make it worse. 

For instance, the washing machine. Once upon a time, there was a princess who had the perfect washing machine. She was able to fill it with water first and THEN add a load (like you are supposed to, especially if you use bleach). Then she could start it anywhere in the cycle. If she had a pair of pants she wanted to wear, she could throw it in a small wash down to the last cycle to give it a good wet, soap and rinse before drying it while getting ready. If the load in the wash wasn't spinned dry enough, she could turn it on the spin for some more spin time to get it to perfection for the dryer. Those days are long gone because the knight in shining armor (idiot in tin foil) came by with a new contraption. One with an "easy button." Now the princess is stuck pushing a button to turn it on because that's supposed to be easier than pulling a knob. The door locks until it's done, so no more adding something last second without pissing off the computer. Princess is also forced into using the only 3 options they give you. No more starting things mid-cycle. No more conserving water. No more extra spin. No more loading the washing machine properly. No more adding bleach or fabric softener at the right time. 

It reminds me of poem written by Ice Cube:
"For all ya n-bombs (i'm white, I can't say it to quote it) that don't do gangsta rap
Don't get on TV talking about gangsta rap
Cause 9 times at a 10 you don't know the fuck you talk about
Talk about that bullshit rap you do
Stay the fuck out of mine"
So with that said, if I could improve upon life as a domestic engineer in the realm of industrial design and architecture, here's some things I'd do (as a mom and a woman) if I could make it happen:

1. The Dishwasher


First and foremost, household dishwashers would come standard restaurant grade dishwashers. The ones they have in most houses now, those are great for a couple, or a single person, but anyone who reproduced needs something with more Tim the Tool Man Taylor Arr Arr Arrrgh power.

I'll tell you why. The regular dishwashers (shouldn't even be called that) only fit like 1 pot or pan and enough dishes for a family of 3 for ONE MEAL. That wouldn't be so bad, but it takes about 20 dollars of your water bill and an hour of your life to wash. And then most of them suck at washing. You have to pre-wash, and then post-wash the soap off. Even if you don't use powder soap, there's a powder residue of soap and questionable black stuff.

Me, I have a family of 5, and they won't stop eating. They eat more than the Man vs Food guy. In one day, we usually dirty about a few pots... well we dirty every dish I own in a day. Using as many paper products as possible helps reduce it, but for whatever reason, it's not enough. And handwashing doesn't feel sanitary.

The restaurant grade dishwasher washes a small load in 90 seconds. Pre-washing is a blast (literally) because it's like hosing down your dishes with the garden hose on full blast, except with hot water. This should be the standard device for a dishwasher in every household. Period.

If men did dishes, this would be the standard household dishwasher...

2. A drain in the kitchen and bathroom floor.


They have it for laundry rooms and basements, a drain on the floor. But anyone with small children knows where the drain would be most useful. Kids will flood your bathroom more than God will flood your basement with rain. Period. And then there's those occasions where the children attempt to do the dishes, meaning they hose the entire kitchen down, which really isn't a bad idea like I'd rather hose the cabinets clean than wipe them down, except no drain for the water.

3. Robot Nanny


Please someone invent this. I mean, it wouldn't be designed to babysit your kids for you without supervision, that's just insane to think a robot could do that, but something that can randomly scream, "Stop fighting," every 30 seconds, and "in a minute," would save me a load of work. It would be awesome if she could play Nick Jr. on her butt, and stick her finger in an ear to take a kid's temperature. She could also have some electronic version of Candyland programmed into her, and maybe Minecraft. Just something to amuse the kids so I can write something, clean something, or take a dump.

4. Mommy's Pet


This would be my invention by imagination (as in it doesn't exist YET). It's a Furby for moms. It's designed to go with moms everywhere like a stuffed animal for kids, but it's useful. Like every time you go into the car, it asks, "I see we are in the car, where are we going?" and then it has automated responses based on your answer. Like if you say, "I'm going to the store," it would then say, "Do you have your list? Do you have your wallet? Or did you leave that with your brain by the coffee pot?" or if you say, "I'm going to take the kids to school," it would respond, "Looking like that? Do they have their backpacks? Are you wearing pants? Do you have anything on your teeth?" Or if it hears someone else say, "aww how cute, are they all yours?" it can respond, loudly, "yes, hard to believe all those came out of her vagina isn't it? We're so proud of her." And like if it hears, "My jimmie just made the honor roll, again," it can respond, "Yeah, well so did my balls."

It would have GPS capabilities so when you lose it, you can find it with your computer or phone, but also it will tell you when you missed your exit, again, because you were thinking about what you were going to cook for dinner 3 days from now. It would also help keep track of crap you say for at least 5 minutes, so when you say, "What was I thinking about?" it could answer. It might even solve the age old question of, "What did I come into this room for?" It can also keep track of schedules with alarms, whether it makes an ungodly sound to wake you up every morning, or remind you at 2:45 PM M-F that it's time to pick up the spawns from school, but it can also say, "You have a doctor's appointment today" like 10 times that day.

It would also randomly break out into song like, "The hills are alive with the Sound of Music," and somewhere, we'd have to incorporate random Michael Jackson Hee Hee's.

You should be able to find it as a cat, dog, chicken, unicorn pegasus, dragon (for goth moms), and tiger (for tiger moms). The hands would be clips so you can clip it to your outfit, backpack, purse, car, and put random things in its hands like paper with notes on it.You can also get it different outfits so you can post pictures of it on Facebook, and with the clippy hands, it would replace elf on the shelf for the rest of the year with crazy poses and notes.

It would basically be a personal assistant and a coping device in one.

5. A walk-in Refrigerator/Freezer


Not only would it store tons of food, and not only is it a haven for hot flashes, well yeah. I will need this before menopause. 


We also need to totally re-design the car. Something with more cupholders, an actual trash can, and can be hosed down between uses on the inside.... And the car seat? How about one you can also hose down and actually buckle without breaking a finger? I mean even the table lamp can be built a little more kid tough. How about a sippy cup that is actually spill proof? This is a billion dollar idea here. One of you readers need to put your entrepreneurial cap on and make this happen. You might save the world from its own destruction. Seriously, young moms do not know when to add fabric softener anymore for goodness sake.

I also had another brilliant idea, but I forgot what it was because I don't have a Mom Furby Pet.

Oh, and let's destroy any and all remnants of white carpet. It will be like when we burned bras back in the 60's.


This is just step 1 of taking over the world. We need this first because we need to do our housework and momming in half the time to make room for things like occupying the government; talk about a place that needs a mom to scream, "Stop fighting" every 30 seconds....


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Saturday, June 21, 2014

The least boring perspective you will read about economics and minimum wage: common sense curriculum

Idiocracy looking on corporate America
I've seen some heated debates where people are ready to pull the fingernails out of each other over topics like gun control, Obama, whether or not God exists, celebrity gossip, breastfeeding...  But the dumbfuckery in a debate about economics...

First of all, let me be clear, I'm not an economist. Some of those guys are dopes anyway, dopes who will never get laid outside of the dream state, so that's probably a good thing to put on my resume. But I did take Micro Econ and Macro Econ. I do read about it once in a while. And most importantly, I have a brain that is used to thinking for itself as opposed to accepting what the world tells it (the very basis of Macro-economics). I am not spitting out something I read like it's my idea here. I wish more of you would do the same. I mean people quote internet memes like it's the basis of their entire belief system. That's so sad. It's killing our country really. Thanks for contributing to the fall of Rome.

But as much of a specialist on the subject I am not, I can't follow the bull shit people repeat from the geniuses of our country. It's almost as if they watched one guy speak on Fox for 2 minutes, they think they are now economic experts.

The thing that gets me the most... Wage increases. America is scurred of a wage increase.

Let me tell you where I smell bull shit... I know inflation occurs without a wage increase. I know this because I just watched it happen to us. Gas prices went up, then the cost of everything else went up, hitting major cities first and the more rural areas last. Walmart did what everyone warned us in the 90's they'd do. They drove out the competition with low prices and then hiked their prices up. That's what they did. Those people were not idiots after all. Regardless, cost of living just went up. My grocery bill is triple today than what it was ten years ago. My gas, same thing. But you know what isn't triple what it was 10 years ago? Household income. That didn't go up at all really.

Cause and Effect Inflation
So now we know that it's very possible for inflation to occur without raising wages. It's been happening.

So people are telling me if we increase wages, inflation WILL occur because they saw it in their gypsy crystal globe sprinkled with fairy dust on Fox News. It's a fact people. Really it is. And we don't want that to happen because bread will be $50 a loaf.

But inflation keeps occurring regardless. So basically you strained your brain and your idea of a solution is to keep wages at $7.50 an hour. Keep corporations paying so little for jobs that go beyond minimum wage not disturbing this universe with crap like unions and regulations... So then that way, bread will be $50 a loaf some day while you are still making $7.50 an hour.

Oh but you think YOU are immune to that because you know you are worth more than $7.50 an hour and can make more than that on your "credentials." Your ego is cute. It really is.

You know what's going to happen? I looked through my Crystal Globe and I'll tell you what will happen with that... Right now, people working minimum wage generally qualifies for foodstamps, HUD Housing, welfare checks, and other various forms of government assistance. Something that wasn't the case 10 years ago. In 10 years, on the path we are going with inflation and wages, the managers of Walmart, the electricians, the truck drivers... they too will be eligible for state assistance. Your middle class will be on welfare.

But if you want to be a google expert on economics, we know corporations will raise prices to pay for increased wages. Thus the perpetual cycle that plagues this country which is why a loaf of bread is no longer a nickel like it was for your grandparents.

minimum wage as percentage of median earnings 2011I'm not saying increasing wages is a solution to the economics. I'm saying it has to be done to keep the problem from getting worse. Money is there regardless what you do. It's there. As of now, it's not being distributed well. Corporations are not going to make any money off their price increases without increasing wages, well not unless the government will do it for them with your tax paying dollars that you earned (i.e. welfare). And most of that leaves the country now because corporations are operating globally with America as their top customer and some other country as their top manufacturer. So, what do we do when that government welfare runs out? Do you think these corporations are going to bail out the government in the same way the government bailed them out?

Trickle down economics: We give money to the rich to trickle down to some other country our government borrows money from.

The funny part is it's the conservatives who hate to see the wage increase, the very ones who fear a socialistic state, and their ideas are taking us there. Fucking irony.

To the conservatives, unless you are in the top 2% of our nation's wealth, which most of you aren't (I know you want us to believe you are, <insert Cheshire Cat smile> in fact some of your opinions are there to position yourself as someone who might be, poser), what's going to happen is you too will be on welfare. Your kids will be on welfare. Bedwetting welfare mongrels of the future. And even worse, when that happens, people might mistake you to be a liberal.

And so you know... according to the "experts," the way to fix inflation is a supply/demand issue. In the case of America in 2014, gas prices were a major variable in this situation (thanks George W. Bush and your sneaky war and whatever you did with your corporate interests). The solution is to decrease demand for fuel by finding cleaner, go green options. If we all find a way to drive to work with less fuel, the overall prices of fuel will drop due to low demand, and prices to distribute stuff like cabbage and Hamburger Helper drop. Of course, no corporation is going to lower prices much if that happens (they'll just give their executives a bonus), but if your local farmer can operate at half the expense, he can compete with corporate prices and grow. But nobody really cares about cleaner energy and finding other options because that would solve a lot of problems and God forbid that happen. America is just addicted to drama. Period.

I promise you that your corporate executives have no problem increasing their wages. It's your wages that's the issue. Don't be a sucker. 

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Wednesday, June 18, 2014

I'm sick of talking about Guns without Clint Eastwood references

This image was illustrated by Arnie Bermudez
I was raised on cowboy movies and good guy cheesy 80's action heroes. So of course I'm naturally inclined to be on the guns' side of the great gun control debate that plagues this country in this day and age. It was brainwashed into my being when Rambo saved the POW's and Jose Wales sought revenge for his family spitting on people's foreheads before he shot them. But it's more than just Chuck Norris killing terrorists based on a true story...

Before I get started, I want to share my husband owns guns. I hate them. I don't want them in the house though they are here. It's nice to have a rifle like weapon in the case of economic collapse and zombie apocalypse, but outside of that, I don't want them near my kids, though I let him take the oldest shooting. My father, the man who raised me on 80's action heroes, the religiously zealous conservative, the Marine, never owned a gun. I wanted them as a teenager for "protection," and my dad informed me he didn't need a gun to protect his family. He knew better ways to "neutralize" an attacker than a gun. Police will tell you the best ways to defend your home... lock the doors. Get a dog. Most criminals are opportunity seekers. In my case, my house is protected (despite the guns) by poverty. We have nothing worth stealing, and nothing worth raping.

Back to gun control...

A recent Harvard Study suggests fewer guns doesn't necessarily mean less crime. They compared homicide and suicide in DEVELOPED countries with gun ownership and found out in many cases, the increased gun control areas had increased homicide rates (for instance, Russia).

Then you have oodles of articles like this where it's obvious the crime is higher in areas with more gun control policy...

Some studies that did show a correlation in the past, usually within the United States, has shown a correlation between gun ownership and homicide rates, but one of the studies suggested in its research that people in high crime areas are more apt to purchase guns, as opposed to all the guns causing the violence.

Yes, you people have been looking at it wrong. Guns don't cause people to be violent. Violence causes people to go buy guns. I'm not saying this over a period of time as much as you see more gun ownership and homicide rates in the larger, more populated cities than you do in suburbia. Face it, if you were going to move from a penthouse to the ghetto you wouldn't drive through without locking your car doors and ducking, you'd buy a gun.

Now I know some people seem to believe Violence in the US is on the rise. Well in recent history, that's not the case.




A wonderful article explaining the decline in violence...

Let's delve into human history. I think it's safe to say we are less violent as a human race, despite Mexico and Afghanistan, than we ever have been in the history of the human race. This is why people perceive us to have "evolved," at some point as a civilization. Even our wars are more humane and less violent, as we just blow shit up instead of raping and pillaging those we didn't bludgeon with a sword. I'm saying this to give perspective. Humans were much more violent BEFORE the invention of the gun. Crusades. Spanish Inquisition...

We were also much more violent before the invention of gangsta rap... (that was the last bandwagon in cased you missed it).


On the subject of Gun Control, we do need some gun control in the United States. We have gun trafficking issues and laws that interfere with our ability to crime control and crime prevent. According to National Gun Victims Action Council:

  • Keeping crime gun trace information secret: Until 2002, the ATF released aggregate crime gun trace reports to local police departments, researchers, policymakers and public safety advocates. The reports revealed for the first time that 1.2% of federally licensed gun dealers supply 57% of the guns used in crime. But, bowing to pressure from the gun lobby, Congress voted to restrict police access to crime gun trace data and cut off public access altogether. These restrictions, known as the Tiahrt Amendments (named for the Kansas Congressman who sponsored the bill), have passed in every Department of Justice budget since 2003, despite the fact that prominent law enforcement associations oppose them as a serious threat to public safety.
  • Handcuffing the ATF: The ATF, the sole government agency charged with enforcing federal gun laws, has operated without a permanent director since the Bush Administration, and operates with just 1,800 agents to monitor approximately 77,000 gun dealers. Given these constraints, it would take ATF 22 years to inspect all federally licensed gun dealers. Even if the ATF had the manpower to inspect most gun dealers, federal law limits the agency to a single unannounced inspection of a dealer in any 12-month period. Congress has made it increasingly difficult for the ATF to revoke licenses of crooked gun dealers.
  • An absence of records: It is impossible for law enforcement to know the whereabouts of millions of firearms in circulation today because Federal law explicitly bars the ATF from establishing a database of retail firearms sales, and private gun sellers are not required to keep a paper trail of transactions. Prior to 2001, federal authorities maintained criminal background check records for up to six months. Under President Bush, Attorney General John Ashcroft reversed this policy and ordered the destruction of all criminal background check records within 24 hours. Even though the General Accounting Office found that destroying these records endangers public safety, the policy remains in effect.
I honestly think every gun should be treated like a car. There should be a VIN/GIN number (serial number) in a database that is actively updated. Every gun owner should obtain a license to have a gun, one that includes a background check verifying US citizenship and address, requiring the passing of a test about gun laws and safety, and maybe requiring completion of a gun safety course that includes safety tips for storing the gun, tracking your gun, and special circumstances for those who aren't mentally healthy. Responsible gun owners have no problem being responsible with guns, and this is just one way to do it. It will only annoy irresponsible gun owners, and we don't care what they think because they are irresponsible. A national registration not only would make it easier for the ATF to track gun sales, but it would also make it easier for police to investigate gun related crimes.

What people really seek isn't gun control as much as crime control. Let's face it, our crime enforcement could use a little reform. We see too many stories of police brutality, crimes happening because the police didn't arrive fast enough, and crimes that can't be prevented due to the current legislation (such as stalking and harassment). We need stricter enforcement of our law enforcement. We need to expand their training to cover social work and mental health awareness. We need to invest time, energy, and resources into improving police reaction to crimes in progress.

I know the mass shootings have people uneasy. I'm uneasy. I drop my kids off to school thinking what would I do if it happened here? Parents open the locked door for other parents all the time. Are they thinking what I'm thinking when they do? Are they profiling the person they are letting in making sure they are safe enough to enter the sacred school grounds?

But the fact of the matter is, outside of conspiracy theories about bank snitches, many of the school shooters have a psychological condition. I did a huge paper in my Child Psych class on school shooters (as assigned by the teacher), and I was looking for meds the shooters were taking. There were some taking meds, some not on meds, and others we will never know thanks to HIPAA, but there was definitely a trend in psychological diagnosis. It wasn't autism. It was mentally unhealthy with suicidal tendencies, period. Some were victims of bullying; others were victims of their own inner-bullies. One school shooter was the son of a man who shot up a place (nature vs nurture).

I wrote about this recently, in a snarky, bitchy post about mental health awareness as opposed to gun control, but I hit some ways to approach mental health awareness.

Meanwhile, we have a huge public education problem. Outside of standardized tests plaguing the system like a nasty case of the herpes and schools not making progress, (SAT 9 was the best, go back to it please), outside of the fact that our kids graduate stupid and can't compete with most developed countries in the world, and despite the fact that we have too much policy on things that don't matter (like education neglect for illness) and not on things that do matter (like anti-bullying policy and special needs in general), and not only do the schools seem to care more about looking good on paper and sucking up than they do about actual learning, people are afraid to take their kids to school. What can we do about that?

How about we expand our police and require one posted at school during hours of operation, more than one for larger schools, with a dog trained to sniff out bombs? We can smack 2 birds with one stone with this one. We'd increase jobs, increase crime control, reduce fights in the schools, and increase security in the schools safely. I know some people fear a "police state," but seriously, when I was younger and prettier, the clubs had bouncers, and the 24 hour restaurant for breakfast afterwards had a cop. Like if we can protect the drunks that way, we can definitely protect the kids that way.

The important thing is we, as a country, should deal with scary things with bravery and courage. With our minds in the right place. Our hearts in the right place. We shouldn't react with the same irrationality that created the problem. We had terrorists take our planes in the 80's, and what did we do? We made a Chuck Norris movie about it. It happened again in the 90's, and what did we do? Increased security where we pat down toddlers and the elderly for fingernail clippings and hair spray and then blow a large portion of our budget on homeland security spying on our internet usage and cell phone calls. Then we started a war with a guy who had nothing to do with it until we got a president who went after the right bad guy. Basically, we used it to further stupid political agendas of assholes who don't care about your safety. Assholes that make it into conspiracy theories that make you think aliens might be real because it makes more sense than the truth as we know it. This is the chaos that will be the fall of America if we don't stop that shit. I know, my cops in schools idea sounds irrational, but every bar does have a bouncer does it not? Every major bank and court has a security guy. Priorities people.
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And I wrote this in response to a lot of bloggers writing to our congress, and what I really ask of Congress? Please, any members of the Congress reading this... I know your party's platform has you on the phone fundraising more than doing anything productive for the people you serve. I know many times you vote for things you didn't read, and many others based on what so and so at top sponsor of your campaign feels. Just so you know, they do have a word for that: people who sell out for money. They have lots of words for that. Lots of insulting mean words like sell-out. Traitor. Sell your soul to Satan. Backstabber. Whore. Don't be those words. Those voters, those "nobody's" are supposed to be your boss. We are the people you are supposed to be serving. Keep us in mind when you make decisions.

I know our voices are loud, many, distracting, somewhat ignorant, and contradictory. You can't make everyone happy. The subject of gun control has the nation split into many different pieces, but I pledge allegiance to the American Flag and to the republic for which it stands, ONE NATION, under God, INDIVISIBLE, with the liberty and justice stuff, and like the whole pledge seems to be a lie. The sad fact is all we have to bring us together is our Congress, and you guys suck at that. Then politics is in charge of the justice system, and they suck at the justice thing too. I mean, our country sucks at everything it stands for. Equality? Nope. Liberty? Not anymore. Justice? Haha, never happened.

But the main point is while we are divided on what to do, we aren't that divided for what we want. I think pretty much the whole nation wants to go a very long time without seeing anymore articles about a mass shooting. For every problem, there is usually more than one solution to fix it, and I think instead of arguing about which way you should solve it, maybe you should use that brain of yours that is so educated and fabulous to make you qualified to make your salary and give you that massive spending budget, and come up with a solution that is win-win.

And please remember, when you say really stupid shit, yes that makes you famous for a minute, but not in a good way. I just don't think you guys realize the distinction between famous and infamous.

And just so you know, using a tragedy to serve your political agenda while instilling fear into the masses to see things your way, well, that is mighty white of you. Bang. Clint Eastwood reference.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Letter to the World's Greatest Dad

Finish the Sentence Friday

Finish the Sentence Friday

This week's prompt: Dear Dad...

I'll never forget that smile
Dear Dad:

You were the best father next to God. I love you very much, and I miss you.

Many times, I don't think I'll ever be good enough for you because I put you on such a high pedestal that you're out of reach, but I shall continue chasing the ghost of "I'm proud of you" past, and carry on. Your voice still yells at me in the back of my head, "You lack discipline and focus," and you thought I didn't listen to you. Well now you know. I was listening in all those conversations about how the decisions I make today affect my tomorrow, and about how we are running out of cigarettes every time we ash (that wasn't bad advice from someone doped up on long-term morphine use). I sometimes catch myself sitting like you and I wonder if it's a biological thing or a learned behavior, and then I'm just happy I'm like you in some sense. 

May you rest in peace daddy and Happy Father's Day. Until we meet again...

Sincerely

Your better daughter



Some poetry I wrote about my dad after he passed away...


He was in radio and promotions, and his
radio name was Hammerin Hank;

He had a radio station WEIF radio,
Christian format, and he
turned down half a million for it in 1980
something just to keep God on the
airwaves. He eventually sold it
to the church for a dollar who
turned around and sold it for a
couple hundred thousand.
Daddy breathe again
let me see again
and show you when
you danced with me
I stepped on your toes
and only God knows
how much I cried
inside
the day you left me
how much I tried
to give you life
with memories
your face, your smile
your hands, your touch
your voice, your words
I need
to find my words
lost in your breath
from the day you left
gone with the wind
beneath me
if you could only breathe
I can open my wings
finally exhale
and be


And not to get anymore pathetic... 


The motive

Beethoven’s fifth,
My dad was a jarhead, leatherneck
MARINE.
In the 60's back when they were
really badass
a motive found within the satin...
Trumpets sound for you
my knight in white,
yet I cannot write
for the king is a language Latin--
dead but utilized,
philosophized and preserved on paper,
he haunts my castle still
and my pen abides by his will,
 a Shakespearean immortal,
a transparent drawbridge
aching to be a magical portal,
but the tragedy is not in the loss of a king,
a motive found within the satin,
for the princess is a queen
who keeps his empty crown
holding onto his throne
no knight will ever fill.
I am deaf to the trumpets.
All I hear is the rain
pounding on the moat,
the motive.

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Friday, June 6, 2014

I was Mistaken, several times.

It's secret subject swap time, and my secret subject is:

Tell us about a mistake you keep making over and over again...
Given to me by Baking in a Tornado 

Well now, do you want that in alphabetical order? Or chronological order? How about random because I love Quantum Mechanics...

1. Facebook


I can't stop myself from "checking my facebook real quick." Here's an analogy for the SAT or ACT. Making out is to unspeakable acts like checking my facebook real quick is to...  hours wasted behind the computer complete with guilt for not living up to the expectations of a woman (in this case, doing housework). I know when I check facebook there is no such thing as "real quick." I know this. But I do it anyway swearing this time it's going to be different. Nevermind, Moms Who Drink and Swear posted something I have to read.

2. Money


Pay day is like winning the lottery day, and I get so excited about it, I spend it on things like, "We just got paid I can afford this," and "Why not?" There's also, "The kids really did need this," and "We don't do this often enough we should go all out." All that is followed by, "We can pay half of that bill this week and the other half next week," and "Maybe we can pawn something for electricity." The sad thing is I was a bookkeeper. People actually once paid me by the hour to handle their millions of dollars. I didn't fuck up their money like I do my own.

I know we can afford our life if I can manage to live the life we can afford. It doesn't matter if we make more money... That won't change it. I'll just get Outback steaks more often than fast food, and buy the name brand instead of the generic, and shop at places where it's more expensive...

To make it more sad, I buy things I don't know what to do with them. I had been eyeballing those huge vases you put on a floor that comes up to your waist; Walmart had this one for 30 bucks. I wouldn't pay 30 for it. I watched it go on clearance for 25, and then 20. But when it hit 5 dollars, I bought two of them. I have no place for them. I gave them away to a friend.

3. Cleaning


I do this thing where I tell myself, "I don't need to clean that, it's not that bad. It can wait until tomorrow." Then the next thing I know, it looks like Thing 1 and Thing 2 popped out of a Dr. Seuss book and shat all over the place to where cleaning it would be an all day, maybe all week, event. Then I get behind all together and can't keep up until I find some way to get it looking decent again. All because I was like, "It's not that bad."

The issue with this is I get autism overwhelm. That means what I'm about to explain is a very normal feeling for everyone, but it's heightened with me. If I walk into a room to clean it, and I assess the situation and see it will probably take an hour to clean tops, I jump in like nothing. But if I walk into a room to clean it, and I assess the situation and see it will take days, tears, sweat and maybe some blood, then I walk out. Sit down because I need to cope. And then avoid it like it's a PTSD trigger. There have been times I make someone else clean a room enough so I can go in and clean it.

On the flip side, my old neighbor has OCD, and really bad like she feels guilty from it. She has no problem cleaning a very clean house, which is why her house is always clean. She's thinking about going to therapy for it.

4. The dark voices


This one my shrink talked about with me, and he's right. I listen to all the dark voices in my life... the negative criticism. The "don't try to do that because you can't do it," and don't forget, "It's not that important if it means something to you..." stuff people say to me that I say to myself that I unfortunately agree with. This one is complicated because it's like my conscious brain knows they are wrong. My conscious brain will tell you I'm beautiful the way I am, but there's that subconscious part that would swear I'm fat. The subconscious part society trained to shit like Pavlov trained his dog to drool.

It's really sad how words like, "Do you really think that was a good idea?" will echo in your mind over and over again, days after the person said it, and evolve into, "that was the dumbest fucking idea imaginable and you are stupid for not only thinking of it, but thinking it was worthy of your time to attempt." It's almost like you are the leader of your hater club, one you have to at some point tell to shut the fuck up.

5. My car keys.


I have a basket for the car keys. Do I put the keys in that basket? No. Do I know where my keys are? No. Will I flip my shit over losing those stupid keys trying to walk out the door while herding kids like sheep? Damn right.

I know a make a gazillion other mistakes repeatedly, but part of the reason I do that is I have the memory of a goldfish thanks to Mom Syndrome. That in of itself is a perpetual mistake, like the load in my washing machine I've washed 3 times without drying, but it's also the reason I keep making mistakes because I learn from a mistake and then forget the whole thing ever happened. What happens yesterday stays in yesterday.

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Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Women who want to be equal to men have no ambition

So I watched this video on feminism and why this girl is a feminist. It's a good video that encompasses all of the liberal feministic agenda including LGBT issues. You know, girly shit.


I was going to comment how I felt about it like any person does when they see something that makes them think or feel, like we get all dog humping a leg for some bacon excited about having a thought or feeling that we want to tell the world what we think. But then I was like, "Why waste this epic topic on a comment when I can blog the bitch."

First, in direct response to the video about equal pay, rape, LGBT equality... I don't care if you are a feminist or not. You can still shave your arm pits. If a monkey is living under your arms, it's time to take out the jungle. And you don't want people calling you Chewbacca because of your armpits. I'm sorry but it not only offends me, it scares the living shit out of me. I had a bad experience with hairy armpits as told here at Concert Experience of the Socially Awkward...

feminism
Now, in response to feminism...

I'm a woman who worked in nonprofit accounting frequently dealing with pigheaded men in the state's government. I left that to join the military, and then I managed tax offices before reproducing my awesome genetics as my contribution to society. I have been fired for showing too much skin "asking for" sexual harassment that I wasn't even complaining about. I have been fired for getting pregnant. I have been raped, and I had to wait for some a-hole to retire out of the military before I could report it on account that he didn't think women belonged in the military and was looking for any reason to twist something against me to get rid of me. He also laughed when I had a stalker leave a voice mail, one he listened to, in a spooky creepy voice saying he was going to strangle me with my own hair. When I worked at the non-profit in accounting, I did the job I was hired to do, then I took on additional roles including half of the Payroll Guy's duties and all of a guy we hired for a certain grant's duties. Both men got paid double what I made, and one had nothing to do but file things for people because I took his entire load on account he couldn't do it and we weren't getting paid. After all that shit... I am NOT a feminist. Like hell I'd be.

No. I had a magnet in high school that sums up how I feel. Women who want to be equal to men have no ambition. 

We are not less than men. We are not equals. We are better than them. Period.

If a man went through all the shit I went through, he wouldn't have half the sanity I have. I totally believe that. In the military, I had to do my job twice as well to be considered an equal to many people. I did that. So did a lot of other women.

Empirical evidence suggests that girls outperform boys in academics for just about every age group. It's common knowledge that girls are at least 2 years more mature than boys.

Physically, women are beautiful. We are not hairy oafs with an ugly ding a ling that would give little girls nightmares. No, we have curves. Less hair. Breasts and cleavage. Our vagina's are like a blooming flower. We seduce men more than the other way around, and for a reason. We are just the better looking gender. Even girls are more apt to do a 3-some with another woman as opposed to two men. There's a reason for that.

Also notice gay men are no where near the horn dogs of straight men? But lesbians are. Hmmm. Women are sexier.

In addition, our brains are generally smaller than a man-brain; however, we have more neuro-transferring bridges between both halves of the brain, meaning we use more of our brain than men do.

We are also the only ones whose body is useful. We can not only house a baby in our womb for 9 months, but we nurture it naturally while in the womb, and then again with breast milk. The only thing useful on a man is the size of a superball located near his ass.

Did you also know everyone is a girl to start? Yeah. While the chromosome determines gender, all males are awesome for a small, short period of their life until the hormones kick in and create some male junk.

So what does this mean?


Gentlemen lighting a cigarette
Men should open doors for us. They should protect us from scary things. They should totally kill the bug.

They should be allowed to whistle at our ass and compliment us on our cleavage. I mean seriously, ladies, you have the IQ for it being a woman, what is really the difference between complimenting your eyes or your bust? Both are biological features.

They should attempt to pay for the meal on a date.

We should get paid on performance. If we are outperforming the men, our pay should be higher.

Rape should never happen, and a real man would do anything to protect a woman's innocence because they love innocence. Our bodies should be honored and admired, not treated like a consumable.

Men should listen to us not just because we are their mothers, but also because it is scientifically proven we probably do know what the fuck we are talking about.

Men should help with the housework. The entire load of all jobs and work should be put in a pile and split 50/50. If a man is getting a longer break than his woman, he's not admiring her is he. Nope, he's a pig.

I call pussy men pussies. Get the fuck over it. Nobody means it, in this day and age, that they are females and therefore less. Do you see happy people getting offended that we call homosexuals gay? If anyone should be offended at calling men pussies, it should be the cats, and they don't seem to give a shit. Cats never do.

Because men really aren't the brains or the boobs, all they got is their strength. Let them have it. Let them use it. The pickle jar should be their battle, not yours.

In the bedroom, there really should be an equal attempt at pleasing each other, but cmon ladies, if you know what you are doing, you can please yourself while pleasing your man, and we please him because we are better at that sort of thing than they are, and their hormones require it. I mean if a man doesn't clear his balls enough, that is like a huge health hazard.

And because we are the superior gender, shave your fucking arm pits.

A great article on the biology of gender roles... It suggests women are not more emotional biologically, but our brains adapting to a male dominated society. Soak on that shit with a blunt and some tequila.

A good article about how boys are falling behind in academics (to girls)






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Monday, June 2, 2014

Free Love: Don't be frigid with your words

in order to find love, you have to love
My friend today told us all on Facebook that she has made some friends during her time with the SCA, Society for Creative Anachronism, a place where they recreate the arts and skills of 17th Century Europe. Yes that exists, and yes they are not usually sober when they hang out in costumes jousting and shit. Some of her friends she met along the way in the SCA have become more like extended family to her, and she posted to her Facebook friends that she may tell you that she loves you, and she's not doing it to be awkward, and she hopes you don't take it wrong.

I'm not usually a feeling person, like the notion of expressing how I feel about you outside of "you piss me the fuck off eat shit and die," doesn't really come naturally to me. If I really like you, what's probably going to happen is I just talk on and on around you because you broke the wall surrounding my comfort zone. To me, that should be a compliment, like that's a big deal tearing down protective walls people build around their oh-so-precious feelings. Most people, however, don't see it as a compliment. Instead, they are more annoyed that I won't shut up.

But throughout the recent years, I've become more of a softy where I am not afraid to tell random people that I love them. I think it all started when I was on the phone with my mechanic, and I said, "Bye. I love you." By accident. I was just so much in the habit of saying it to my mom and husband on the phone, the only two people I usually talk to, that it slipped. I didn't realize the oops until long after I hung up. He thought it was just hilarious, so we started confessing our undying love for each other every time we talked. People might of thought he was my husband because we were so comfortable saying, "I'll be back tomorrow, Love ya." ... "alright, love ya too sweetie."

One day I was talking to him on the phone and said I love you, and the husband raised an eyebrow. I was like, "It's just Matt."

This might be a good time to mention that Matt was also married, a little older than me, and missing some teeth. It wasn't romantic what so ever. We flirted a little out of fun, but it really was platonic at the heart of it. I'm saying this for those of you who are thinking I professed my love to a guy I fantasize about stripping with my teeth. No it wasn't like going up to your old high school crush and saying, "I love you, just so you know."

I should also mention that Matt just recently passed away. He will forever be in my heart and maybe some day, I'll see him again in heaven, with Crest Commercial perfect teeth despite all the dipping and smoking.

My friend's post today got me thinking though... I don't know if it's an American thing because I do imagine Europeans to be much different, but it might be a people thing, but we are afraid to tell people we love them. We are more cautious about using those words with someone than we are about wrapping our legs around them, nekkid, inserting things. The words, "I love you" to us seem to be more sacred than our virginity, and we reserve that for only people we consider family, whether it's your mother or some guy who has been hanging around your sofa for the last year. I think the reason we wait for a person to feel like family to tell them how we feel is because we are scared otherwise. We wait until they tear down the walls surrounding our comfort zone to get into things like expressing feelings.

I love you more than I did before
Instead, what we do is find other ways to show affection. Ways that don't entail professing secret feelings. Little things like buying someone's coffee, or actually listening to what they say (you should be doing that to everyone you speak to, just sayin). Things that if someone said, "you are doing this because you love me," you can hide behind some other excuse. The point is, we do little things in code hoping the other person never finds out your real intentions behind doing something nice or goofy. We do this to protect ourselves from "rejection."

Is it so wrong to let someone know you care?

I mean we all wish people cared about us more. We all wish more people cared about us. The main motivation for humans, of all cultures, of all time, is love. We all desire love more than any riches, more than any self actualization or transcendence (which love is part of those things), more than anything we can imagine. Most religious people expect LOVE from their God for a reason. In reality, God is Love. We all seek that, in some way or form from each other, from our pets, from our children, from our stuffed animals as children.... Love is so valued that we are all eager to take it, but cautious about giving it. Even our wealthiest would rather donate money before showing love.

How many of you hide your pain? If I asked you, "How are you?" How many of you would respond with, "Fine," regardless of how you feel? With that said, how many of you would have a much better day just to hear someone say, "I love you." And for them to mean it.

Maybe if we told each other we loved each other more often than we fuck each other, maybe some of the world's problems might go away magically. Seriously, our biggest problem of all in society, our economy, our government... our biggest problem is our attitude. An attitude that might get adjusted when it knows it's loved.

I'm asking you to put aside your fears of rejection and just tell people how you feel about them, not for your sake, but for their's. Even if they push you away, you know deep down inside they needed to hear it.

P.S. I'm not going to my high school crush and telling him I love him by the way. Do I look like Adele? I'll buy him a drink though.









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