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Dribbles and Grits to Crumpets and Bollocks: August 2014

Dribbles and Grits to Crumpets and Bollocks

Dribbles and Grits to Crumpets and Bollocks: August 2014

Thursday, August 28, 2014

What I did today that pissed me off.

Gabby has lots of cavities, like 6 of them, and she's 7 years old. And they hurt bad. This is normal in my house. I can't deny my children the finer things in life like sugar because YOLO.

We go to the only Pediatric Dentist in town, who is a great dentist; unfortunately, I could probably throat punch one of the bitches behind the desk. This is medical care in my neck of the woods at its finest. All front office staff in this area sucks, some so bad regardless how great the doctor is, I won't fuck with them. Most doctors have no idea how to manage staff. I'm seriously thinking about writing a snarky letter to all the nearby medical schools about requiring some general business and management classes in the curriculum.

So anyway, they want to put Gabby under at the hospital to fix her teeth, especially with her autism. This is the advantage of going to a Pediatric Dentist. I'm all for it. We did this with my middle kid when she had a bunch of cavities at the toddler age. It was perfect. They knocked her out. A couple hours later, I'm sitting with her in a room waiting for her to eat something, drink something and worse of all, pee, so we can leave. She experienced no pain, and she loves the dentist.

So we had to get cleared by a regular physician, someone who is willing to be on standby on that day in case shit goes wrong, like if she goes into anaphylactic shock. Only one doctor, supposedly, in town is willing to do that for this dentist, and he does all her patients. They wouldn't let me make the appointment myself. The bitch was rude about it too. Very pushy. So she made the appointment for today. Yesterday the office called Rafael (the husband) to confirm, and he never asked where they were located because that's a question only the person in charge of taking the kid to said appointment would ask.

Here I am this morning. I knew she had to be with Dr. Wolfe by 10:30. I was told numerous times by the dental bitch that if she was late at all, they won't see her ever again. So I Bing'ed (Google on my phone) Dr. Wolfe West Virginia. There are two Dr. Wolfe's in my neighborhood, and one in a nearby town. And for one of the offices I was going to guess, different sites had different phone numbers.

So I picked a phone number, called it, and got "Thank you for calling Dr. Wolfe's office... blah blah blah push 3 to get someone at the front desk." I pushed 3. I explain the situation, multiple offices I have no idea where I'm going and I am on my way. She looked up my daughter, and then gave me another number to try.

I call that number and get a busy signal. My phone didn't log the number I called on account there was no answer. I'm doing this while driving. I'm so glad these people are with the times to know people would be attempting this shit on a smart phone while driving. I did NOT Bing it though while driving.

So I call the original number back for the number she gave me because by this time, I forgot. I figure, this is a good time to ask questions about how many Dr. Wolfe's exist in the area and where they are. They answered the phone with, "Do you mind holding please?" And i was like fine. How much you want to bet they come back while I'm in Burger King's drive thru trying to order my precious double bacon croissant?

Well, they never got back to me. I waited 10 minutes before hanging up. I then called the dentist. I explained everything to the receptionist, who then responded with, "You need to talk to [the bitch I'd love to throat punch]. It took her about 3 minutes to answer her phone. She's pissed. She thinks the appointment SHE MADE is at 10:00 AM and not 10:30, and the time is 10:10. She was like, "They probably won't see you now that you are late. There's no other doctor who will do this. We can't do the surgery." I'm thinking, "Bitch I already paid you cash to do this surgery you will do it." No, instead, I was like, "Well if they won't see her, I'll just find someone myself of my choice who will." She was like, "Nobody else will." I'm like, "I'm sure I can find someone." Mind you, my mom is really good friends with a doctor in her choir. He would do this for us easy.  It was as if her neurotic bitchness wanted me to freak out. I just refused to freak out, no matter how much she tried to get me to all demonic like.

Then I realized, my brain backtracking in the conversation, she has the wrong appointment time in her head. This isn't the first time she did this to me. She has a record of fucking up appointments. Back in July, I made an appointment with her on my way out the door with Gabby for Annabelle. She made the appointment some day in August. I put it in my Google Calendar. I know it was in August. I remember thinking, "Damn, you know she has a cavity you can see, like you can't get her in any sooner than that? Really? A whole month?"

YES ALL THREE OF MY KIDS HAD CAVITIES. Yes I feel bad for it. No I won't stop giving them Splenda or sugar. Yes we are flossing now and I'm getting on the teeth brushing thing better.

Day of appointment, I'm driving Annabelle to the mall to shop, and my phone notifies me of the appointment a half hour before it. So we go to it. They were like, "You missed it. It was in July." I'm like "No, the appointment was for today." They kept reiterating how I MISSED the appointment, and then I was like, "No, I did not miss the appointment. That is right now. Today. I am here. You guys missed the appointment. Quit saying that I missed the appointment. You missed it." I'm almost certain bitch changed it without notifying me. They offered to let me wait with my overactive 4 year old for a couple hours for them to squeeze her in. LMAO. These bitches are on some shit if they think I'm going to sit for a few hours in their waiting room with my kid. You can tell these bitches never reproduced, and they really don't know children enough to be working with them in my opinion.

Anyway, I correct bitch on the phone. "The appointment is at 10:30. We will be late if you don't tell me where the office is. Given how long it obviously takes to call someone to find an office location, we're probably going to be a little late. This is why you need to do business with someone with better customer service." Seriously, I never had this problem looking for a Macy's.

She tells me, despite her bad direction giving. I asked the right questions to find where I needed to go. She did the whole, "Well I'll call and tell them what's going on and maybe, just maybe, they will forgive this and see her." Yeah. Thanks for the "favor." Now that's some sociopathic bull shit right there. You know, if she would have let me make the appointment myself, I would have learned BEFORE the appointment that there were multiple offices and I would have asked where it was.

So then I get there at 10:30 exactly. I sign my kid in. We wait 10 minutes, and the lady calls me up to the desk. "You have the wrong office. We don't have a Gabrielle on schedule. You want the one next door."

Ok. Next door I can work with. I get in there, and mind you, the way this works...

The building is one building connected, with multiple doors into various businesses separated by walls. Shopping complex like. But this office, they were not separated by a wall. They were separated by the front desk windows. Imagine a square where the back is not a wall but a hall. The front is the main wall to the outside. The left is a window. The right is a window. And two receptionists who couldn't communicate with each other, "Hey do you have a Gabby on your schedule?" are working there. There are two Dr. Wolfe's working out of this office. One is a pediatrician. The one we need to see.

I get there at 10:45. I signed her in as getting there at 10:30 because nurses chart whatever the fuck they want. Seriously they do. When they forget to take your temperature when they were supposed to, best believe it's on your chart that they took your temperature, and it was normal. Now if you die from a fever nobody tracked, they probably won't get sued because your family will have no idea someone neglected to take your temperature. This actually does happen, a lot, especially in nursing homes. So, if they chart whatever they want, I will too. We were there at 10:30. Just the wrong side.

Then the woman with no eye contact made us wait 25 minutes before handing me paperwork to fill out. We were there almost an hour before seeing the doctor. Mind you, this is the place that won't see you ever again if you are late.

Now this front desk lady was rude too. When I turned in the paperwork, I started to ask, "Is it ok if I just leave this here?" and she interrupted at "is it ok" with, "I'll be with you in a moment." I watched her for 5 minutes doing stuff, and I rudely watched her, you know the obvious stare, until she got to me. Then of course, "Do you have your insurance card?" and I'm like, "I'm not sure. My kids played in my wallet recently and stuff like that disappears when they do, hold on." She was like, "If you don't have it, we can't see you." Now I'm sorry, but I'd really like to go 10 whole fucking minutes today without hearing someone saying, "We can't see you." Bitch I'm paying you. I'm the pimp. You're the ho. Know your place.

In the paperwork, I discover their policy is if you are more than 20 minutes late, they can't see you, and if you are a first-time patient of theirs, they won't reschedule a no-show.

So pissed off, livid, I get to the doctor. I had every intention on giving this guy a crash course in Customer Service 101. No. It NEVER works that way. He was really super nice. He was great with kids. High Five. How old are you? What school do you go to? Ok, while I do this, try not to laugh. Ok, laugh, but don't fart.... Great doctor.

And now Gabby wants to switch to him for her regular doctor.


PS. Super pissed we are in a culture where it's ok for healthcare to hold your kid's health hostage to make you play their bull shit games, even if you are paying the overpriced prices. You know, if a pizza joint did this, nobody would eat that pizza.

PPS. Now you see why kid's appointments is almost a full time job? I could hire someone to do this if I could afford the hours.

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Thursday, August 21, 2014

The Boogeyman IS Real! Sort of.

When I was a kid, I really believed that monsters were real. Not the boogeyman. Not Santa Claus. No, church had me convinced that Satan and his army of invisible demons was out to get me and eat my soul. 
Now exactly what is more sadistic? Evil people trying to take over the world by genocide? Or scaring the shit out of little children for shits and giggles? At least evil people had a price, and it wasn't cheap. 

I spent many sleepless nights in prayer while singing praise songs from church in hopes that it would scare off my boogeymen. Norman Rockwell didn't do a print about that now did he? I remember often times being too scared to even walk all the way to my parents' room, so most nights were spent facing the greatest fear of them all, being alone. 

If only demons were really this sexy... mmm David Grohl
I'm not sure if my parents' arms could bring comfort to me at that point because what is that going to do to demons? They want my parents' soul too, according to the church. The ONLY power that can stop this monster is God, who just also happens to be invisible, so you have no idea if it's working. 

I was able to maintain through most of my childhood via stuffed animals. I watched The Velveteen Rabbit once, and somewhere in the story, they insinuated that if you loved a stuffed animal enough, it becomes a real soul. Love is so powerful it can create life in the after-life. So that was my mission. While Satan was busy building an army worthy of Mordor, I was building mine. I know. The shit that goes on in the mind of a child.

My army consisted of tigers. They were my Marines. My foot soldiers. I also had dogs, because I needed a loyal companion. Dinosaurs were my tanks. I even had Air Power: an angel teddy bear and a Pegasus. These were all animals I worked hard at loving to give them a soul, so they can fight the monsters for me. Every night I felt a teensy bit scared, I lined them up in formation on the parts of the bed I wasn't using, creating a wall of kick-ass between me and the demons.  

Fluffy, my Fluppy Dog, became my right hand man, organizing and training the army in my absence as I had really important things to do like play with Barbie dolls. I got her for Christmas when I was 6 years old in 1984, almost a month after my husband was born. That year, I really wanted a Barbie Mansion like my friend Tonya had. One with an elevator. It was the ONLY thing I really wanted. I thought the huge wrapped box had to be the Barbie Mansion, and I saved it for last. I opened the thing, and inside this box was not a barbie mansion. It was a stupid, small stuffed dog. My mom apparently couldn't find a box to fit it in, so she opted for the over-sized one big enough to fit a bike. Fluffy found her way to my closet piled of toys to be ignored for months until the demons scared me, and I couldn't find any comfort until I grabbed her randomly from that closet. Soon later, I recruited more soldiers. 

To the left is Fluffy, my right hand man and personal assistant. Of course, she always forgets to remind me
of all my appointments. I don't know why. She has seen better days. Remember, she turns 30 this December, which makes her like 133 in dog years. To the right is Sher Khan. He's my bodyguard and a huge fan of irony.

As I grew older, I learned that the battle between good and evil isn't between angels and demons, but within the heart of every angel and demon. Demons are not monsters. They are evil yes, but when God decides to conquer hell, they won't be evil anymore. Love is the powerful weapon against evil, not because it divides with war, but because it unites with peace. So I learned not to fear the monsters of the night, but to embrace whatever good I find in them. But if I'm wrong about this, God now has tigers, bears and a one-eyed Pegasus to add to his Army of Angels. Fluffy and the Archangel Michael hopefully won't argue too much about who is in charge, but if they do, I got my money on Fluffy because she won't hesitate to give you the cute puppy dog face.  

I am 35 years old, and I still have Fluffy. The kids love her. 

I'm not sure where the rest of my animal army is, but maybe I'll find them again in the afterlife. 

This is part of Finish the Sentence Friday. You can find more about what bloggers believed as children by going to Finding Ninee. 

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From Constipated to Poop

Constipation sucks. Like the day is thrown off if you miss your morning poop, and some people like Insane in the Mom Brain depends on her "daily constitutional" to avoid death cramps of flatulent poop spears piercing her innards. Read one of her best blog posts ever, a photo-essay of how the universe was mocking her constipation. You might want to wait until after you read mine because I might suck in comparison to her.

Now I know as a mother, it would be easier if you didn't poop. Shit just literally gets in the way of getting shit done. Kids won't let us poop. I mean could you imagine the workforce if they weren't allowed to take a poop break? Ha. Sometimes we may consider eating MRE's just for the reason that it backs you up: it's how the military survives long-term situations where the urge to take a crap might get you killed. Sometimes we are happy we have too much iron from the prenatals backing us up. But in reality, if you don't poop regularly, you won't fit in your only pair of pants that aren't yoga pants, and it's hard to bend down and pick stuff up and clean and function when you got a 10 pound turd ball hanging at the edge of your ass pushing the acid up your intestines through your stomach and into your chest.

Stay regular.

Here's some almost all-natural tips to stay regular

1. Metamucil and other forms of fiber is kind of obvious. But it belongs here.

2. Apple Juice and Prune Juice doesn't actually work that well, but doctors swear by it.

3. Coffee. Better than Prune Juice, this anal explosion will clean you out within hours of drinking it. You will swear you lost 10 pounds. I just don't understand why doctors don't recommend this one first.

4. Energy Drinks and Diet Pills. Not all of these are all-natural, but they do come in all-natural versions. They act like coffee, or a laxative. You won't just shit, but it will be nice and loose like a Las Vegas whore.

5. Magnesium is a natural muscle relaxer and laxative. If the stimulants are too much, this is another option.

6. Anal sex is like an all-natural enema, unless you are a Christian, then it's not so natural.This is the one Dr. Oz will never tell you about.

7. Taco Bell. This one explains itself I think.

For kids, I recommend the less-natural chocolate laxative. Sometimes natural methods are just not as safe and effective as the not-so-natural options. Do not give children energy drinks or coffee, unless you want to slow down time by increasing earth's gravitational pull from the centripetal force of a hyper kid. 

Water and exercise are also supposed to help with the regularness, but I wouldn't know. I never tried those things.

Why didn't Raisin Bran ever attempt this angle?

You can also read Jenny from Holdin' Holden's infamous story about poop. 

Something else to buy...

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Friday, August 15, 2014

My Back to School To Do List...

Your words are: 
genius ~ stupidity ~ brain ~ science ~ art ~ insanity
They were submitted by: http://thesadderbutwisergirl.com    

It's almost time for my kids to go back to school. I have almost a weekend in between now and the first day of school. I just read Jen Mann's thought-provoking post about things she found on Pinterest to do before school starts and reasons they suck, and now I feel like I just woke up 2 hours after I was supposed to be at work, and I'm asking myself, "What the fuck happened to my alarm clock?"

What did happen to it? I swear I set that alarm for the end of July. When did August get here? Why didn't I get a memo about August? 

Now anyone who reads my blog knows I'm not a June Cleaver Pinterest-Perfect mom on my best day, and there are many other moms who are on board with me on this, "that's bull shit" bandwagon much like Jen Mann's post I mentioned above. I thought June Cleaver was the kind of mom I was going to be back in my young, naive stupidity days before motherhood, but my experiences have led me to believe one of the following occurs with perfect parents out there otherwise known as the June Cleavers:

1. They are faking it. They don't do half the shit they claim to do.
2. They are neglecting their kid in the name of doing everything for their kid. 
3. They only have one kid, and an army of adults to help them care for that one kid. 
4. They aren't human. They are aliens plotting to destroy the earth with Mount Fuji High expectations designed to create overworked, sleep-deprived slave parent drones for future abductions.   

Mind you, I'm totes aware that half of my obstacles with parenting was the fact that I had 3 girls, back to back. It's a different ball game with kids that close in age. So knowing this about me, this is my to-do list for school. This is the survival guide of the fittest. It is not someone faking it. It won't neglect your kids to where you are screaming, "STOP FIGHTING" as they are pounding each others faces while you are desperately looking at a clothing tag for the size as you are sorting for what to donate...

1. Enroll the kids who are not automatically enrolled.

In my case, this is the Pre-K. The last kid. This I started in March. The day they opened pre-k registration, I camped out at the school around 3AM waiting for 7AM. There were already 5 other mothers camping with me. It's the only free pre-school, and the only pre-school that operates more than 3 hours a day, 3 days a week, in a 10 mile high-traffic radius, and it only has room for like 5 kids who aren't Head Start. Now I know some moms don't mind driving 20 minutes or a half hour to get their kid to school, but try getting 3 kids to two schools 30 minutes apart at the same time.

Then last week, I got a call from the school demanding the immunization records and birth certificate or the kid doesn't get to go. She said it in a threatening manner just like that too. The immunizations, I got what I could faxed. Now the birth certificate, they want one from the state, not the one they give you when you give birth, so the one I have isn't good enough. So I drove all 3 of my kids an hour one way to the state Capitol, got the piece of paper waiting in a long line with 3 kids, drove back without stopping to shop, and gave the school the piece of paper.

2. Do some laundry.

You don't have to do all the laundry. I mean what kind of life would you have if your laundry was caught up? Ha. No, just make sure you have a good week's worth of clean clothes for the kids. When it comes to things like getting laundry caught up and sorting through clothes packing away summer clothes, giving away out-grown clothes, washing winter coats... Do all that other shit while they are at school. You'll be more productive if you don't have them tugging on your leg every 30 seconds. I feel like the Pinterest Genius with my, "Wait until AFTER school starts," like duh!

3. "Sew" Clothes

I know this sounds Pinterest, but it's not. My kids have a lot of holes on the knees of their pants, those stretchy leg warmer pants we wear under skirts and long shirts that you can wear all year. That's most of what they wear. So I went to Walmart and got fabric swatches that were cheap and cool looking, and fabric glue. I glued those SOB's over the holes on the insides of the pants. I did the iron-on glue. The hardest part was not gluing the pants together or getting cardboard on the glue from in between. Next round, I'm trying parchment paper in between the pants. I did this on the living room floor while watching Netflix after the kids went to bed.

4. Shop back to school items

I still have to shop some back to school clothes, something we don't normally do until mid-fall for sales, better clothing options as winter gear isn't really out in August, and more money (I always seem to be waiting for some big check around September). But the things we do get before school starts...

  • Backpacks.
  • Back-up Backpacks (cheap ugly ones on sale) because my kids won't go to school without one, and they are so young they don't really need one.
  • Art shit by Crayola so they have the false sense of getting back to school supplies they don't need because the school supplies that shit. Don't worry, they'll play with them, lose them, and break them before school starts. It was just for fun.
  • Folders. The school provides a folder, but they expect you to clean it out daily. Psssht. As if I have no life right? Get a folder for the backpack designed to move the school papers over to that folder. Teach your kid to do it.
  • Shoes. This the mother-in-law does. But shoes are important because they ruin all their shoes in the summer.

5. Paper Bin for each kid.

You don't want to keep this where the kids can find it or reach it, but you want a bin for each kid to throw the papers you don't throw away. The art work. Some of the hand-writing if you do what I do... I once tried one of those little wall hanging things. They are still up there with kid names on it. No, you fill it up too fast. The schools hate trees and are trying to kill all the rainforests with the amount of paper they send home. I also tried a file in the filing cabinet. Again, I was thinking too small. You need a real bin, like something that can hold a comforter.

What I did one year, and will do again this year... When my oldest finished first grade, I grabbed a stack of her papers from school with her handwriting, and I turned it into a font. I want to do that with all my kids. I might write a how-to some day, or provide it as a paid service maybe... The artwork is also going to be a font that I shall call Refrigerator Art.

This year, I'm also thinking of seeing how annoying it is to recycle paper for all the girl scouts ads, parenting magazines, nutrition sheets, fundraisers and 3 page papers about field trips.

This is about it.

The sleep schedule? That will happen on its own, and it's easier to just let the school day do it for you because the activity they do at school, you can never mimic it at home because you don't have all the kids the school has. The socializing wears them down more than playing outside, and you need that in order to get them to actually fall asleep before 10 PM. For those who make their kids lay down at 9PM and yell at them to go to sleep until midnight, seriously, stop stressing about it.

In fact, just about everything you can possibly think to do you should wait until school starts and you have all those hours to yourself to do them. Now my


1. Clean the house
2. Shampoo carpets
3. Sort through clothes prepping for winter
4. Type things in Google Calendar as the kids bring home school stuff
5. Teach science since the schools don't anymore for my kids' age. We have a microscope and telescope now.
6. Find my brain I lost this summer.
7. Get the flu shots because the schools are filled with mini-assassins trying to kill you with germs, just like they did with the Indians.
8. Lysol the classroom when teachers aren't looking because number 7.
9. Prep house for flu season disinfection
10. Fuck my husband

Embrace the peace of having the day to yourself, and the insanity school makes you pay for it. Don't volunteer for anything.

Links to the other “Use Your Words” posts:

http://Bakinginatornado.com                                       Baking In A Tornado
http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/                          Spatulas on Parade
http://themomisodes.com                                      The Momisodes
http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch/               Confessions of a part-time working mom
http://www.JuiceboxConfession.com                             Juicebox Confession
http://www.eviljoyspeaks.wordpress.com                 Evil Joy Speaks
http://followmehome.shellybean.com                   Follow me home . . .
http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com                       Someone Else’s Genius
http://www.crumpetsandbollocks.com                       Crumpets and Bollocks
http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/                      Stacy Sews and Schools 
http://berghamchronicles.blogspot.com              The Bergham’s Life Chronicles
http://thesadderbutwisergirl.com                       The Sadder But Wiser Girl

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Thursday, August 7, 2014

How Twinkies Could Change the World and Amazing Things My Body Has Done

I'm in TWO HOPS today, not like beer hops, like blog hops. The thing where I ask you to invest your entire day, in the name of your sanity, reading blogs. Secret Subject Swap has a different topic for each blogger, and Finish the Sentence Friday has the same for everyone. Please grab a cup of your favorite adult beverage and check them out if you get a chance, drop a comment, and give some social media luv humps for your favorites.

Your “Secret Subject” is:
What's the one thing you would do to change the world?
It was submitted by: http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/       

I always have said, for years, if I ever run into a genie in a magic lamp, my world peace wish would be that all the cum tastes like the cream filling of a Twinkie, and it doesn't make you fat, and ingesting it would cure cancer. Why? Blow jobs suck. Literally and figuratively. With the word of one wish, I'd increase worldwide happiness and joy making oral sex more pleasurable for both parties involved. I may not be able to completely stop the violence as humans will always have violent tendencies. You just can't remove the savage beast from a wild animal, no matter how much you domesticate it. But overall happiness would greatly improve by increasing oral sex. I just hope it's not really a sin like the Bible suggests because a healthy sex life is a healthy psyche, but I don't want to damn the world in the name of Freudian Health Care.

The only downfall to this wish is that men would stop enjoying blow jobs like they do now. In regular society, men bitch every time a woman hits PMS. They avoid her because they don't want to deal with insane mood swings or absurd bitchiness. If I had my wish, what would happen is you'd find men during that week hunkered down in a corner hiding, protecting his jewels with the cup of his hand, as his woman is wandering around, "I want my twinkie!" Cmon now, you know PMS would be the time we'd crave that cock like it's chocolate or ranch dressing. They would eventually get sick of blow jobs. It would become a charity deal. "Ok you can suck my pocket rocket, but only because I care about you and your health." We'd be paying more money for jack-off juice, and there would be a black market of it where once you go black, you never go back. It would probably sell for more than cocaine, and the FBI would thoroughly enjoy catching people red-handed. 

So blow jobs would still suck, but cancer would bite it. Don't freak. We'd find a way to give it to kids without the grossness of sex, which coincidentally makes kids.

If magic wasn't involved, and I didn't have children, I'd probably become a corporate hitman. I'd take some companies down in takeover just for the money so I can afford some mercenaries, but then I'd reinvest it into taking down the corporations trying to take over the world in all the conspiracy theories like Pinky and the Brain. I'd literally TAKE the power back. Then I'd rebuild them with normal people, like people who care about their water being safe and not fucking over a country for a bigger bonus.

See below for links in this hop.

Finish the Sentence Friday
The most amazing thing my body has done is... (Ruchira Khanna)

1. I can lick my own elbows.

2. I used to wrap my legs around my neck and walk on my hands.

3. Before the onslaught of my ass, I could escape out of handcuffs in less than 30 seconds. Totally made me a dom in bondage scenarios.

4. One time I hacked up a huge bright green loogie that impressed me, but not as much as crapping out a turd the size of a baseball. Those moments make you wonder why anal sex  and deep throating is so uncomfortable.  

5. In the military, I had to walk a gauntlet of vaccinations. I mean, you stood in line with your t-shirt rolled up over your shoulder and your pants un-buttoned halfway off your ass. You took a step forward and 2 shots in the arm. Another step, and another 2 shots in the arm. Another step, and a Penicillin shot in the ass, and for those who never had that done, let's just say bikini wax sounds delightful after having a needle the size of a fang shoved into your skin inserting what felt like venom into your veins leaving a bruise-like knot that sent pain shooting through all attached nerves for a few hours. The military was so sympathetic to all of us in pain that they made us run a couple miles in boots and utz (combat uniform). 

6. About every other day, I do something so uncoordinated, you'd think it was orchestrated and I was the most talented individual you ever met. Like for instance, I can drop a piece of chocolate because I missed my mouth, and it can bounce off my boobs, onto a table, off my knee and land in the opening of a can of soda. While you think that's amazing, I'm thinking, "Damn, I really wanted to eat that." I can also trip over something, catch my balance landing my left foot on a piece of paper that slides me into a perfect split. One time, I was walking into the kitchen, and as I approached the area I keep my mop and bucket, the mop slipped right as I was walking by it, like not even seconds before I was there, and I walked right into the stick of the mop with enough force to knock the mop up out of the bucket and directly into my face. Another time, I was carrying in each kid one by one late at night in the rain, and as I walked out to get the last kid out of the car, I could hear her crying. So I of course started to run her way, jumping off the curb, landing on a pebble, spraining my ankle as I dove into a mud puddle head first. Then I carried her in on a softball sized swollen ankle, and went back out for the groceries carrying that in without ever looking at my ankle to see the damage. It still hurts to this day. 

7. I can eat a whole pie in one sitting.

8. I have stayed awake for 72 hours straight, slept 4 hours, and then pulled another 72 hours. I did this for a month. 

9. One time I was wrestling this Marine, and he grabbed my wrist and twisted it in a way that sent shooting pain down my arm, and I reacted by flipping up on a table next to us, freeing my hand, flipping off the table behind him, and then I grabbed the back of his head and yanked him down to the ground, catching him before he hit. This all happened in the blink of an eye, and I have no idea how I did it. No idea where it came from. Maybe I just watch too much Jet Li. Another time I was wrestling a 3rd degree blackbelt, and he had me pinned down. I was on my stomach, and he was on my back holding my legs down with one hand, my hands down with another hand, and he dug his chin into my spine. I flapped like a fish and we flew off the sofa 3 feet over with a walk breaking the fall about 3 to 4 feet up in the air. He dumped me after that swearing I was possessed with the devil. 

10. Three times now, probably the most amazing thing my body has done, my vagina crapped out a wad of baby. Yes, I made a tiny human. I worked really hard at making that, and had loads of fun. 

Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts. Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:

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Wednesday, August 6, 2014

How to Really Win a Debate

When up against ignorant people, the best thing to do is walk away. Well most of us can't do that, but at some point, you have to at least realize you are talking to a brick wall and completely wasting your time.

It helps to understand why some people believe what they believe. Most people consider their opinions to be a form of self-identity, and many find their tribe based on that. Remember back in high school when they had cliques? That is still relevant in adulthood. Instead of being the cheerleader where it's expected for you to dress cute in a fake tan with a fake smile, now you are the crunchy person where your friends are going to be offended if you eat gluten and don't support gun control.

I do suspect some of my "conservative" friends have opinions that are in-line to the Republican platform because they want people like me to perceive them as wealthy business merchants, which is why they would totally give away their rights to things like clean water for more important things like corporate profit maximization. It is part of their identity to be about numbers and money as opposed to morals and responsibility, wait a minute... All that's supposed to be part of the conservative identity... Oh the tribe. The "important" people running the corporation is a friend of a friend of a friend... And of course, they want you to know all the important people they know, because that makes them important, and of course, because they are important, they want to make sure that laws don't impede on their importantness. Because it's really not about what they stand for, but about who they are.

So now that you know the psychology behind any debate, like "Anti-Vaxxers" and "Pro-Vaxxers." You can easily see this situation to finding the truth, "how safe are vaccines?" is just as complex as the human mind because of the human mind. Studies have shown using facts only makes them resort to myths all the more. By trying to "help them see the light," we are only pushing them farther into the darkness. Why? Personal Identity. When you attack an argument with facts, they see it as an attack on their character. Keep in mind that no matter how you feel, "they" is also YOU.

Tips to Actually Win the Internets in a Debate

1. Fight debauchery with humor. 

You can quickly deescalate a heated argument by saying something incredibly ridiculous, full of nonsense and laced with humor. There really is no reason to have the other person walk off pissed off. I mean we aren't here to ruin each others days. Be the bigger person.

I have used pictures of my boobs holding an object for charity as a great diffusing device when up against men. They usually stop arguing with me and start flirting. Yeah, basically I flash a man mid-meltdown. Men are so easy. It also works on my husband, in case you ever get into a debate with him. (You're Welcome Rafael). Women, on the other hand, not so much. You really have to get a feel for the type of woman you are dealing with, and try to appeal to her sense of humor. For instance, if she seems to enjoy man bashing, then throw in a good man bashing joke, even if you are a man. The point is you want to connect with her (or him if you are too shy to flash people) in some fashion. People are kinder to people they have a bond with. In other words, it helps to remind them you are human on an emotional level.

Some people are straight dicks and do not find you funny just because they hate you. Like if someone else said what you said, they'd love it. But because you said it, they don't. In that case, don't make them laugh. I usually block those people. For real, I don't care if you slept with my husband once, or if you punched me in the face last year, or if you talk about me behind my back, but the moment you decide I'm just not funny, now that's just uncalled for. I don't want to read your posts. Goodbye.

2. Call them out on their method.

For instance, my mom and I were "debating" once on the telephone. When her logic and facts were no longer working in her favor to win the argument, she shifted it into an emotional debate. She said that I obviously don't respect her if I disagree with her. I explained, "Shifting the argument into an emotional crisis does not change the fact that.... and if I did disrespect you, I would have used more bad English like my sister." When that sunk in, we were able to discuss both the topic of debate and her emotions, separately, to a place of agreement and closure.

Most arguments are psychological. It's not about facts. It's not about truth. It's about the human mind. When you can discover the psychology behind people's methods of argument (not the logic), you can approach that. Most people don't want to admit their psychological details to a perfect stranger let alone any flaw to themselves, so they will often disagree with you, but they will also usually stop doing what you claimed they do just to spite you.

3. Socratic Questioning

This is an art, but once mastered, it can be the most effective way to get people to change their minds. I say that because it's the method Jesus Christ used well (in addition to Socrates). I'm not at Jesus Christ level of using this method.

The point of the method is to help people discover the truth for themselves. You can tell me that 2 + 2 = 4, and I can memorize that number and do well with math, but I won't actually learn how to add until I take 2 items, add 2 items, and count, for myself, that there are 4 items total. You can tell people what to believe, or you can show them a better method of finding their own belief for themselves. If you are right, what you stand for should speak for itself. All you need to do is give the person the right questions so that whatever you stand for can speak to them.

It's usually a very invited method into an argument because everyone loves to answer questions about themselves because narcissism.

You can also use this method to annoy the ever living fuck out of people, and to confuse them more. So be careful with it.

4. The most important factor to winning a debate is to be right in the first place.

Most people formulate an opinion and then search and dig for facts and logic that supports their opinion. I am the type of person to formulate my opinion based on facts and logic, which means, I do the reading first and the thinking about it later. Someone just went, "Aha!" My opinions do change as I incorporate new data into the formation of the opinion; however, not many people offer NEW data into a debate compared to what I've already read and researched on the subject, unless the subject is something I have never researched like genetics of yellow-bellied marmots, in which case, I have no opinion. In other words, I don't argue about stuff I don't know.

If you start forming your opinions on actual facts, your opinion will be harder to argue. It's hard to lose an argument when you are the closest thing to being right as possible giving the current data on the situation. People think I'm on a high horse with this, but I am. I did my homework already.

With this, do not be afraid to not know. This has two parts. If you pretend to know something you don't know, you will at least look stupid to the people who do know. The easiest method is to swallow your IQ pride and just admit, "I'm not familiar with that subject," and if you follow it with, "tell me more about it," you will diffuse an argument and turn it more into an actual debate. It makes the person realize that you respect their opinion and give them some credibility.

The second part, it's ok if you don't have an opinion on something. If you really have no idea what happened between Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman to decide guilt, then just say, "I have no opinion yet because I don't know what happened enough to have one." You're also allowed to say, "I don't really care. I'm kind of busy living my life I just don't have the time or interest to google." Yes. I said it. Let it be known in someone else's memoirs that it was I, Michelle L. Grewe, who said, "You're allowed to not give a shit."

If you did your homework, this is my issue, try not to give all the information out in every argument. You appear to be a "Know-it-all," and nobody likes that. While I'm sitting here trying to be Wikipedia, teaching people something, others are taking it as an insult to their intelligence. If they wanted to learn, they'd look it up. They aren't there to learn.

5. Let them Win a Parting Gift

Most people are sore losers. Not many people giggle, "you got me there," or respond, "touche." Most of the time, they search for an argument they think they can win and change the subject, whether it's about your grammar or your manners.

For instance, I have a friend. When we argue, and we argued about this before, it almost ended our friendship... She claimed a sentence like, "She ate dinner and then fell asleep," should have a comma before the word "and" because "and" is a conjunction. I explained that a conjunction joins two independent clauses (being two phrases containing both a subject and a verb) together. In the case of that sentence, you have two verbs and one subject (and independent clause and a dependent one). There would be a comma if you wrote it, "She ate dinner, and then SHE fell asleep." My friend disagreed profusely. I mean we were in a screaming, yelling match over a fucking comma. After showing her 10 different grammar books backing up my claim, she finally was like, "You have to at least agree with me that a comma does go before a conjunction, which is my argument all along."

If you find any opportunity to let them know they were right about something and they aren't total idiots in your mind, let them know... "You were very right about...." Give them a parting gift of some sort.

Remember, you aren't changing the world by debating. You are not solving any world problems by having an opinion. You are just "Discussing" things.

You don't have to turn everything into a debate. I believe some people have such low self-esteems they find themselves wanting to always debate for the false sense of winning, like somehow their dick grows 4 inches just by believing with all of their heart that they are talking to an idiot. But what they do is turn something unemotional like gun control statistics into a passion seeking venue, and I'm sorry but those people just suck at passion. I mean seriously, if the most passionate thing you've done all week is display statistics of crime, you really need to step off the computer and enter the bedroom. Read this Guide to Masturbation. You're welcome. Now that's passion. Make love to yourself. Literally, go fuck yourself. Best advice I ever got in a debate.

Meanwhile, remember to really win a debate, you both walk away from it happy. If you "cremate" them with your facts and what not, you look like an ass, so you didn't really win anything. If you lose the debate and resort to mature things like name-calling and other sore-loser asshattery, then you look like an ass, so you didn't really win anything. In other words, when two people argue, all the passerby sees is two assholes. The only way to WIN a debate where someone agrees that you won is to either not debate in the first place, or end it.

Remember, the other person's opinion really doesn't matter. It won't make you rich. It won't solve a problem. It won't make your bacon taste any better or make your pussy more pleasurable. It's ok if they disagree. They can think the sun is made of hot nacho cheese for all you care. Now that you read that, it will still irk you when someone says something stupid like, "Stop killing my baby with your use of the word retard." You will still speak up. "How clumsy of me, I didn't realize your baby was a retard." And the Asshat Award will go to you, and you will display it with pride.

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