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Crumpets and Bollocks: From Constipated to Poop

From Constipated to Poop

GET THIS ON A T-SHIRT
Constipation sucks. Like the day is thrown off if you miss your morning poop, and some people like Insane in the Mom Brain depends on her "daily constitutional" to avoid death cramps of flatulent poop spears piercing her innards. Read one of her best blog posts ever, a photo-essay of how the universe was mocking her constipation. You might want to wait until after you read mine because I might suck in comparison to her.

Now I know as a mother, it would be easier if you didn't poop. Shit just literally gets in the way of getting shit done. Kids won't let us poop. I mean could you imagine the workforce if they weren't allowed to take a poop break? Ha. Sometimes we may consider eating MRE's just for the reason that it backs you up: it's how the military survives long-term situations where the urge to take a crap might get you killed. Sometimes we are happy we have too much iron from the prenatals backing us up. But in reality, if you don't poop regularly, you won't fit in your only pair of pants that aren't yoga pants, and it's hard to bend down and pick stuff up and clean and function when you got a 10 pound turd ball hanging at the edge of your ass pushing the acid up your intestines through your stomach and into your chest.

Stay regular.

Here's some almost all-natural tips to stay regular


1. Metamucil and other forms of fiber is kind of obvious. But it belongs here.

2. Apple Juice and Prune Juice doesn't actually work that well, but doctors swear by it.

3. Coffee. Better than Prune Juice, this anal explosion will clean you out within hours of drinking it. You will swear you lost 10 pounds. I just don't understand why doctors don't recommend this one first.

4. Energy Drinks and Diet Pills. Not all of these are all-natural, but they do come in all-natural versions. They act like coffee, or a laxative. You won't just shit, but it will be nice and loose like a Las Vegas whore.

5. Magnesium is a natural muscle relaxer and laxative. If the stimulants are too much, this is another option.

6. Anal sex is like an all-natural enema, unless you are a Christian, then it's not so natural.This is the one Dr. Oz will never tell you about.

7. Taco Bell. This one explains itself I think.

For kids, I recommend the less-natural chocolate laxative. Sometimes natural methods are just not as safe and effective as the not-so-natural options. Do not give children energy drinks or coffee, unless you want to slow down time by increasing earth's gravitational pull from the centripetal force of a hyper kid. 



Water and exercise are also supposed to help with the regularness, but I wouldn't know. I never tried those things.

Why didn't Raisin Bran ever attempt this angle?


You can also read Jenny from Holdin' Holden's infamous story about poop. 

Something else to buy...



Labels: , ,

Crumpets and Bollocks: From Constipated to Poop

Thursday, August 21, 2014

From Constipated to Poop

GET THIS ON A T-SHIRT
Constipation sucks. Like the day is thrown off if you miss your morning poop, and some people like Insane in the Mom Brain depends on her "daily constitutional" to avoid death cramps of flatulent poop spears piercing her innards. Read one of her best blog posts ever, a photo-essay of how the universe was mocking her constipation. You might want to wait until after you read mine because I might suck in comparison to her.

Now I know as a mother, it would be easier if you didn't poop. Shit just literally gets in the way of getting shit done. Kids won't let us poop. I mean could you imagine the workforce if they weren't allowed to take a poop break? Ha. Sometimes we may consider eating MRE's just for the reason that it backs you up: it's how the military survives long-term situations where the urge to take a crap might get you killed. Sometimes we are happy we have too much iron from the prenatals backing us up. But in reality, if you don't poop regularly, you won't fit in your only pair of pants that aren't yoga pants, and it's hard to bend down and pick stuff up and clean and function when you got a 10 pound turd ball hanging at the edge of your ass pushing the acid up your intestines through your stomach and into your chest.

Stay regular.

Here's some almost all-natural tips to stay regular


1. Metamucil and other forms of fiber is kind of obvious. But it belongs here.

2. Apple Juice and Prune Juice doesn't actually work that well, but doctors swear by it.

3. Coffee. Better than Prune Juice, this anal explosion will clean you out within hours of drinking it. You will swear you lost 10 pounds. I just don't understand why doctors don't recommend this one first.

4. Energy Drinks and Diet Pills. Not all of these are all-natural, but they do come in all-natural versions. They act like coffee, or a laxative. You won't just shit, but it will be nice and loose like a Las Vegas whore.

5. Magnesium is a natural muscle relaxer and laxative. If the stimulants are too much, this is another option.

6. Anal sex is like an all-natural enema, unless you are a Christian, then it's not so natural.This is the one Dr. Oz will never tell you about.

7. Taco Bell. This one explains itself I think.

For kids, I recommend the less-natural chocolate laxative. Sometimes natural methods are just not as safe and effective as the not-so-natural options. Do not give children energy drinks or coffee, unless you want to slow down time by increasing earth's gravitational pull from the centripetal force of a hyper kid. 



Water and exercise are also supposed to help with the regularness, but I wouldn't know. I never tried those things.

Why didn't Raisin Bran ever attempt this angle?


You can also read Jenny from Holdin' Holden's infamous story about poop. 

Something else to buy...



Labels: , ,

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