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Crumpets and Bollocks: May 2014

Crumpets and Bollocks

Crumpets and Bollocks: May 2014

Friday, May 30, 2014

The Banana Split Molten Cake Diet Totes Replaces the Subway One: Plus some free exercising tips for those who do that sort of thing.


I designed some new crap for Finish the Sentence Friday. We now have rainbow hair and friendly unicorns.

Finish the Sentence Friday

This week's prompt: My favorite way to exercise is… OR It's bathing suit season, and to prepare, I...

Fitness buffs, read through to the bottom. 

This bastard right here keeps me fat
In the present day, my favorite exercise to prepare for bathing suit season is driving thru Sonic and devouring the Strawberry Banana Split Molten Cake. It's cake with a fudgy center topped with ice cream, strawberries, bananas, whipped cream and a cherry. Sometimes, I have to have two of them to feel satisfied. Then, when I go to put on my bathing suit, I bitch that I'm too fat to fit in my old suit. It's a two piece, one designed to cover the belly entirely if you are that size. I'm not that size anymore, and my fat roll is a skin touching skin, fat bastard before the subway diet, hanging out and drooping like drapes kind of roll. That fat roll peeps out my suit like horrific cleavage loud and proud to give everyone and their children nightmares while encouraging other women to diet. There are women out there who look at my gut and think to themselves, "Thank God I did all those pilates." All this because of that damned molten cake from Sonic that I love and admire so much. 

To try to fix this and actually prepare for the rest of bathing suit season, I'm doing the lazy diet. I'm taking Diet Pills. I need something for energy anyway. Gone are the days of ephedrine (thanks meth heads. fuck you). It's now some herbal shit that, if in the right mood with your sun in the right planet, might give you a burst of energy for an hour or so. But if you mix it with those vitamin enhancing drinks that contains large quantities of Niacin, it kind of gives you a false sense of energy. I think the weight loss benefits are also a false sense thing too, but shhhh, we aren't telling my body that. I mean Banana Split Molten Cake people. I can't give that up... I can't give up my shallow, hollow sense of fulfillment for shallow, hollow cultural expectations of a woman's appearance. 

In fact, I'm kind of pissed off that nobody really gives a shit that all these men go shirtless... Fat, round hairy men going shirtless, at the pool, in the garage. It's ok for men to be fat. They don't exercise for shirtless season. Nope, just us women because we have expectations and shit. 

Now, once upon a time, I was in the military, and I actually did exercise. Here's some tips if you are wanting some. And not just steak tips. No, like real tips Dr. Oz might not tell you because he's kind of plastic looking and might be a robot. 

Protein

I don't know why women avoid this. You know who eats large quantities of protein while working out? Body Builders. Why? It's necessary. Let me explain what you are doing when you exercise. You are killing cells. Then your body rebuilds shit it needs. In order for your body to rebuild anything, cells require protein to make new cells. While protein bars usually come with a carb filled punch, Tuna is high in protein, and a better protein all the way around, especially for "dieting." 

Size

Don't pay attention to your weight. Instead pay attention to your clothing size. Muscle weighs more than fat. When you exercise, you make new muscles. If you are doing it right, you should gain weight while losing a clothing size. 

Drink Water

A lot of times our bodies get thirsty and think, "Gee, I need a steak." Water can sometimes replace a meal sized snack, but also water is anti-aging in the sense that hydrated skin is healthy skin. Mild dehydration sucks and slows you down. Water helps clean out the system. There's a million and one crunchy reasons to drink water. Just don't drink any water from Charleston, West Virginia. 

You are what you do

A military PT test usually entails running 1.5 miles, pushups and situps. I struggled passing that test when I first got in on account I was so out of shape. Every day in basic training, including Sundays, we ran about 3 miles and completed over a hundred pushups and situps. In addition, every chance in between many of us snuck in some extra pushups either by mouthing off to the instructors or seeing who can outperform the other in a minute. I did lose some fat doing that. But I barely, after weeks of that kind of training, passed the PT test. My run time was a little less than 14 minutes, and I could do about 20 situps, and 15 push ups. 

So then I went to tech school (this is a true story). There I met a really hot guy I kind of wanted to hook up with, and he invited me to go swimming with him. So to flirt, I went swimming every day for 1.5 weeks. In that time, we attempted to swim 20 lengths, though there were days we didn't quite make 20 before making out, and then I took a PT test. My run time was more like 12 minutes. My pushups were more like 35, and my situps more like 30. Then that guy wouldn't talk to me anymore because I didn't "put out," so I started dating a Marine (who didn't need a woman to put out so I eventually did). He made me do PT with him a lot. By the time he was done with me, running and pushups and really amazing sex, my run time was down to 11 to 12 minutes, and my pushups were 73 in a minute, and situps, 55 to 60 in a minute. 

Then I went on to my first duty station where my boyfriend changed due to location. He didn't exercise, and we were two miles above sea level. My run time was more like 14 minutes, situps at about 40 and pushups about 50. 

Then I got out of the Air Force and avoided PT all together. Now I could probably walk that mile and a half in under 20 minutes if I'm lucky. I do about 5 pushups now. Sometimes 12 if I really push it. I haven't attempted a situp in years, but I don't think I can do one. 

Moral of the story? Two things.
1. Swimming is awesome. It's one of the best exercises out there. It works muscles you didn't know you have. It's a cardio and muscular-toning workout in one. You don't sweat much because you are in the water. It's easier on the joints. And the strokes force you to breath a pattern better suited and more comfortable for cardio. Swimming alone improved my PT scores where rigorous training couldn't. 20 lengths 3 times a week, freestyle up and breast stroke back, will do more than an hour at the gym plus yoga. 

2. You are who you do. This is beyond boyfriends. Friends matter. If you spend time of your day with people who work out, more than likely, you will start working out, and you will work out the way they do. And if you really want to lose weight and improve your performance, you really want to go to the best. Date a Marine. 

Weights / Strength Training

When you lift really heavy weights one or two times, I mean really heavy beyond what you think you can do and you push yourself to do it anyway, that's how you get bulky muscles. If you want to tone your muscles, do weights, but light weights and many many reps. Meaning take 10 to 30 pounds and repeat the small exercise 50 times. This is good for the cellulite stuff and lumpy butt syndrome too. And scientific fact from scientific sources say that the ONLY way we truly know how to increase metabolism is to build muscle. 

Diet

When it comes to food, if you are working out like mentioned above, you probably can eat whatever you want. I did in the military and lost lots of weight. Then I lost even more weight eating less, but whatever I wanted including fried foods and cake batter, just by cleaning my house with my 3 kids in their baby / toddler years. 

But if you want to "eat healthy," aim for things that you can hunt or gather. Avoid kitchens that are laboratories.  

The important thing is your diet should match your activity. Marines eat more calories, fat and carbs than any other creature on earth. While active duty, you wouldn't know that because most of them could model underwear. It's because they are so active, they need all those damn carbs and fat. Many keep the same diet and upon exiting the Corps (they are still Marines, just not active ones), many gain weight. It's because they stopped rucking and shit, but continued to eat like they were. 

Lifestyle


The Air Force is dying to catch up to the Army and Marines. They out-perform us on every physical level overseas in real life scenarios. The Air Force, due to it's oxymoronic military intelligence, believes they need to increase PT to catch up. They are wrong. It's not working. I'll tell you why. Marines and Army do PT all the time, but their PT is a break from their real training. Most of what they do to train and function on the job entails running, jogging, swimming, marching... all with about 50 to 100 pounds of gear toppled on them while wearing heavy boots. Air Force can increase their PT all they want, but as long as they are gear free in tennis shoes, they aren't really training for much. 

The lesson is your lifestyle matters. You can work out all you want, but if your lifestyle entails sitting on your butt more than moving around, it's not going to do much. It's good to do it, I mean if you are sitting on your butt a lot, you're going to need those little bursts of working out to maintain your current status, but I lost more weight and got in my best shape cleaning my house while taking care of a baby and 2 toddlers at the same time. I lost more sanity than I did weight, but I lost weight. That was more activity than the military ever gave me. 


Stretch


Longer muscles are stronger muscles.

Keep in mind, you are getting skinny tips from a fat woman. Strength tips from someone who can do 4 push ups. But I'm right. I mean, it's gospel truth stuff right there, but if you don't want to believe me, it's your body, one you should love no matter what size it is. But loving yourself like that is just as difficult as all the exercise lifestyle changing crap I just mentioned. I know. I obviously don't enjoy having my fat bastard stomach roll, but I do frequently grab my stomach and squish it so it looks like it's talking, and it frequently says, "Get in my bellay." 


For more Finish the Sentence Fridays, check out this Finish The Sentence Friday Co-Host and at the bottom of her post is a link-up. Join in if you are a blogger. 

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Monday, May 26, 2014

The War Against Violence

Another tragedy in the united of states. If you live under a rock and don't know about it yet, or you are from the future, read this little blip.

After promising a "day of retribution" on YouTube, a heavily armed, mentally disturbed 22-year-old went on a killing spree in a California college town, authorities said.
He fatally stabbed three men in his residence, shot two women to death in front of a sorority house, shot a man to death inside a deli, exchanged gunfire twice with police and injured 13 people as he drove from block to block, the Santa Barbara Sheriff's Office said Saturday night.
Elliot Rodger, 22, ended the Friday night rampage near the University of California, Santa Barbara, apparently by fatally shooting himself in the head while sitting behind the wheel of his wrecked BMW, Sheriff Bill Brown said.
Inside the car, police found three handguns -- all legally purchased -- and more than 400 rounds of unused ammunition, Brown said at a Saturday evening press conference.
The suspect formerly was a student at Santa Barbara City College and lived in Isla Vista, where the rampage occurred.
This is becoming regular news to us. Stories like this. Sad stories of a psychopath on a killing spree of innocent people. At least drug dealers try to keep their murders between drug dealers.

And the public's response? There are less, "Aww, God please be with the families of these victims and embrace the victims with open arms." and more, "We need gun control." I mean it sounds absurd to me. To read a story about a stabbing and shooting that took place in a state that has a lot of gun control laws and actually think more stricter gun control would solve the problem. I know their heart is in the right place. Too bad their mind isn't. 

When all these stories started to surface, slowly I see this gun control debate use dead people as its platform. Back then, the gun toting rednecks were like, "They're going to take our guns," and the liberals were like, "No, we just want you to register them and have a background check," but it's morphing. More and more liberals want to ban guns entirely. The gun toting rednecks were right. You're trying to take their guns. And not because you truly care about the safety of people, but because you are afraid. Just like 9/11 scared the bejeezus out of everyone to invade privacy and start a war in the name of terrorism, these public shootings are scaring you out of your right to bear arms. Fear is an ugly bitch.  

Even the father of one of the victims was all, "We need more gun control," like the parents of many victims in the Connecticut shooting. I want to remind people that grieving people are crazy irrational people, and will be for at least 7 years. It takes 7 years for the soul to heal according to ancient Kabbalah belief, but I've noticed with everyone I know who faces grief, they are fucking nuts for 7 years. Not kill people crazy, but lost crazy. The crazy that makes you drink more alcoholic drinks than you usually would. The crazy that makes you push away loved ones and embrace the wrong people. The crazy that has you jealous of people for getting to keep their loved ones. Grieving people are always searching for something to blame so that it makes sense, so that it justifies the loss. Of course, in a case of a mass shooting, it's really easy to blame the gun. I would. If I lost one of my children to a psychopath on a violent shooting rampage, I would most definitely blame the gun. We ALL would. Even you gun toting rednecks would have a change in heart after losing one of your own to gun violence.

I don't understand how everyone else, outside of the victim's families, blame the guns. It always seems to be the people who already were against guns before the shooting using the victims as an emotional motivation to try to push their political agendas and platforms. That's kind of fucked up in my opinion. Show some respect at least. Enough to not make this about your politics and about what it really is. 

Folks, we don't have a gun control problem. We have a nut control problem. 

How Sociopaths feel, wearing a mask
Most of these shooters qualify for a similar diagnosis between each other. I have them pegged at antisocial disorders (usually without the charm), heavy on the narcissism, a little affluenza (as described by modern media... spoiled brat syndrome), a little schizophrenia (the reality vs fantasy aspect), and the most critical component, depression. 

Now if you aren't obsessed with psychology enough to know what that means, what it means is you have a person who can't see beyond themselves. A person who is incapable of seeing your struggle and is instead, focused on their own, overplaying the role of the victim. Their story changes every time it's told, and they believe their own lies, but one common denominator in all their stories is they are the victim, usually to something most of us are like, "really, man up and move on." For instance, this shooter believed he was the victim, a poor poor victim, to virginity. He believed that a woman who didn't sleep with him is one who deserves death for not seeing how awesome he is. He probably felt just as victimized as a rape victim, or a victim of theft, or abuse. To him, the "rejection" was a punch to the face, every day. 

On top of it, this person is used to getting their way otherwise, so it's absurd to them they can't always get what they want. They feel entitled to all their wants. The hint of affluenza is obvious, hence why the media focuses on profiling these killers as middle class to upper class white boys. Most of these shooters really have nothing to bitch about. They live lives many people dream of having. But the basic law of economics states that your wants will always exceed your needs. You will always want. Every time you get something, you want something new. You feel empty without wants and desires. So imagine a kid having everything under the sun growing up, his wants are going to get creative, shallow, and empty. I always said that I don't understand the story of Job. To test a man's true character, you don't take everything away, but you give him everything. Evil, temptation, and all the things religion views as wrong takes on a whole new form when you are in a castle sheltered from reality. And it's not a matter of his parents saying "no," more often. It's a matter of him seeing the real world and tasting its flavor. 

So we have a victim of abuse, an abuse that doesn't really exist, one who can't see beyond himself, one who is entitled to getting his way, and now the critical component, it's hopeless. There is no way out. If you are on the road to hell anyway, you might as well take down the people who put you on that road along the way. 

Mix this in society's culture where men are supposed to be violent, aggressive, and authoritative to be considered men. Mix this in society where we use tragedies for our political platforms. Where we kill for fun in video games. Where violence is exalted in war, religion, and history. Where the real men are Marines who kill people and the boys are civilians filling out paperwork. Where a moral code of minimal force, restraint, mercy are not mentioned at all outside of Kung Fu movies. ...

Most of us can differentiate between fantasy and real life. But let's add the schizophrenic component to the mixture, where real life is but a dream. Think when you are dreaming, you tend to believe the most absurd things like it's real. When dreaming, you tend to be afraid when there is nothing to fear. One of the biggest parts of schizophrenia is that your awake state feels much like the dream state. Where things don't feel real, but worse, you believe absurd, irrational thoughts like they are real, and absurd fears like they are actual threats. This shooter felt threatened by "rejection." 

The reason I'm going into this, "please empathize for a second with this piece of shit" shpeel, one that most of you are probably, "I don't give a fuck what he was thinking, murder is wrong and he deserves death and hell," well the reason I'm doing this is because many people think we should go back to the days where we lock up the insane. Where we should not give crazy people guns. Solutions that still won't work. 

The reason I'm saying this is death doesn't stop evil. Darkness cannot drive out the darkness. Only light can do that. We need less darkness and more light. We need less emotionally charged lies we tell ourselves and more truth. 

We have to understand the mentality of these shooters in order to understand how to identify the risk of that specific mental disease concoction in particular. In war and football, you are supposed to observe your enemy enough to learn what he's about in order to use that information against them to take them down. We need INTEL is what we need before moving on with a platform to end this violence. 

History has proven that you can't lock up mental health. You can't make it go away with a magic pill. 

There are many non-violent mental health issues out there that people already associate to a violence enough to scare them enough to take away their rights, to assume they are wrong in the case of their own self defense, and to lock them away for life. Autism is one. Autism is one of the least violent things out there. They don't want to hurt people. If they do, it's an accident just like someone having a seizure, but they don't wake up wanting revenge on those who did them wrong enough to do something they think is wrong like murder. IN fact, all you have to do with autism is say, "Murder is against the rules," and I assure you they won't murder so much a bug. 

Everyone is crazy. Some of you are diagnosed; the ones who are in denial about your crazy, you are the danger to society. You are unlabeled, unmedicated, not getting therapy for whatever is wrong with you. It's stewing. To wage a war against crazy people will only hurt yourself. 

Not to mention... The fact of the matter is this crazy we are up against on the war against violence (I love oxymoron, read it again, the WAR AGAINST VIOLENCE)... the crazy we are up against on the war against violence is one that is a sneaky bastard. Even the shooter in this story managed to fool the cops into thinking he was an awesome citizen without any mental health concern. George Zimmerman has a similar diagnosis to this guy, and he fooled more than half the world. He still does. There's actually a genius to it, a diabolical genius, but still a genius.

So what do we really need?

1. Empirical evidence. We need to fund more empirical evidence, scientifically based by people who truly understand how correlational statistics operate, on the subjects of violence and sociopathy. And not just to understand the nature of it all, but also to test solutions. In psychology, they tell you not to focus on the problem, but focus on the solution, yet, ironically on a hypocritical level, most psychological studies are based on identifying problems and finding correlation instead of looking for solutions. 

2. We need to change our cultural belief as a whole toward mental health. Moms who drink and swear posted about how mental health gets the shaft on media coverage. We need more awareness on this subject, and not blue ribbons of autism awareness, but more actual facts of real events and resources to finding help. The media has too long ignored social responsibility for profits and entertainment. More specifically in this subject, we need more awareness of sociopathy symptoms. People still think a sociopath is going to kill people. Most sociopaths don't kill. They manipulate, self harm, and use passive aggressive means to convey misery in others. I consider sociopathy to be the polar opposite of autism, and it can be just as disabling for those with severe enough symptoms. Everyone falls on that spectrum, but the people in the middle of sociopathy and autism are considered normal.  

3. We need stricter FDA laws on medications. The FDA is now bought and paid for by corporate interests, including the pharmaceutical companies (in addition to food companies). We need to remove the corporate interest from government all together, like that would solve a bunch of our problems, but specifically mental health, some of these meds are worse than the disorder by itself. The sad thing is, many of them are useful meds when used properly, but the studies were so half-assed, we don't know how to use them properly. 

4. If you want gun control, real gun control, how about treating it like you would a driver's license? Make the people pass a gun use and safety test, one that explains the laws and consequences. One that explains how important it is not to trust just anyone with your gun. Make them receive a license to use a gun, complete with photograph and thumb print. Each gun should have a VIN number and be registered, and pay property taxes if you want. Keep track of the registry like the DMV. This won't stop the psychopaths. They will find any means to hurt people if guns aren't available, but it will make it easier for police to figure out everything about that gun that was used in a crime. You don't "CONTROL" shit by removing it. You control by managing it. 

5. We need better laws in the sense of what the police can do when there's a stalker, a threatening letter, or a threatening youtube video. When kids hear another child threaten to bomb a school, they call the police, and the schools usually shut down for that threat or react some way. But outside of the school, there isn't much you can do. I've been stalked and threatened. I had one guy threaten to strangle me with my own hair for not answering my phone, in a creepy voice, on my voicemail, and my military chain of command laughed at me for being nervous about it. The police said there's nothing they can do until a crime is committed. Coming up with some sort of preventative game plan for threats and harassment would not only help in situation like this where parents called in a disturbing video, but also in situations where women end up raped. There's a difference between the defendant on Matlock being quoted in the heat of anger that he was going to kill someone, and an actual threat from a psychopath. If you can't tell the difference in most situations (some I'm sure are very gray area), then we need public education reform that includes the addition of a common sense curriculum. 

By the way, I got rid of my stalker by finding a person with a stalker, and giving my stalker their stalker's phone number. 

6. If you want to go to any extreme on this, teach people safety. When they see a gun fight, show them how to take cover. Kids in schools have been practicing drills for this sort of thing. In the military, it's called Readiness training. It's training you to be ready for violence. It's really sad we have to resort to such things, but if fear will drive you to anything, self defense should be the place you need to go. What you really seek isn't gun control. It's control. Rape is about control, and many rape victims seek means to get that control back for years after a rape, and that's what you are feeling: the same desire for control a rape victim feels, but much less extreme to what a rape victim feels. 

This is just the beginning of what we NEED to be doing. If you want to end the violence like this shooting, you needed to find this shooter the therapy and the help he needed BEFORE he struck people with a violent, conspired plan. That youtube video wasn't a warning. It was a plea for help and attention cloaked as a threat. As of now, we have no real help to offer someone plagued with that kind of disorder except death. We have no help to offer concerned family members. Ignoring that will only increase this violence. We need to figure this the fuck out for their sake, for our safety, and for humanity. 

My turn to do the fucked up thing... Innocent people died because you were too concerned about gun control to give a shit about mental health. 

I can do the rhetoric thing too. It's ugly isn't it? Let's try to reserve that for soap operas in the future... mmmkay.


Oh. Yeah. Happy Memorial Day. Please say a prayer to the fallen soldiers while praying for the victims of this tragedy. Remember, our soldiers of the past fought for your right to bear arms. You really kick them in the face when you do that whole, "we need to recall all your rights and liberties for safety concerns." This is America, home of the brave. Start acting brave. We are morphing to a country where we want to keep God out of the government when we really need to keep fear out of the government. If God gives you cojones, bring Him back. We need the bollocks to FACE our problems instead of FEARING them. 

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Thursday, May 22, 2014

Super Easy Almond Cake



So I had a dream about cake this time. I swear my best stuff comes from these dreams. This time there wasn't an Italian Bakery involved, and I'm not sure what the story is behind this recipe this time except I made this up in a dream. It's really a super easy recipe to make something that tastes like a delicacy an expert made.



Ingredients:


Cake:
1 box of white cake mix
the stuff on the box of the cake mix (eggs, oil and water)
almond extract

Frosting:
1 8oz package of mascarpone cheese
1 cup of heavy whipping cream
2/3 cup of powdered sugar / confectionery sugar

Package of Almond slices
Powdered sugar

Steps:


1. Mix cake mix according to directions. Add 1-2 teaspoons almond extract

2. Bake in whatever dish you want to use

3. Mix Frosting ingredients (cheese, cream and powdered sugar) in a mixer.

4. Blend frosting on high speed until stiff peaks form

5. Frosting the Cake

6. Garnish with almonds and powdered sugar.

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Wednesday, May 21, 2014

The Hypocrisy of Education

This could be a thesis paper... Aspiring teachers here you go.

Mark Twain I have never let my schooling interfere with my education
I went to school as a kid believe it or not; you can tell by all my bad grammar and run-ons, and now I'm going back to school as a parent dropping my kids off. You think you are done with school when you are done with school, but no. As a parent, I'm still judged harshly for my ability to "follow the rules," whether it's about attendance or how I walk in the parking lot. I may not get a report card, but I'm still subjected to the labels teachers give students and parents. Those involved in extra-curricular activities like PTA meetings, activity in fundraisers, and volunteer efforts are the preferred parents. You can beat the crap out of your kids on the regular, and as far as the school is concerned, you are a great parent if your kid shows up every day, on time, with homework completed that you had to do. And you are a perfect parent (which doesn't actually exist) if you sell the most in a fundraiser and showed up in decent clothing to the PTA meetings. It's like you stepped foot into a Wonderland ruled by the Queen of Hearts.

As a parent, I'm graded every day on some invisible report card by the same schools I thought I escaped via graduation. But, as a taxpayer, I get to grade the school back.

There are certain institutions in this world we hold to a higher level. You would think with all the education required to teach or serve on the board of education that these educated minds are beyond the illogical sequence behind hypocrisy. You would think they would make more logical sense in their policy and system than some place like your local bar and grille, but no, even the strip joint has a system that is more logical and less shady than our education system.

I can't believe nobody recognizes these things enough to complain about it on a regular basis.

1. Education neglect.


The schools will place education neglect charges on the parents of children who miss a lot of school, regardless the reason whether it's illness or the parent just didn't feel like getting the kid ready and drop them off. The reason behind it is that the children have to be present every day for the full day in order to obtain their education properly. It's important. Studies have shown that students with a good attendance record in as far back as elementary school are more apt to graduate.

Those studies do not mean that students who graduated did so because they weren't absent a lot as kids. More than likely, those studies only show statistics of parents who place a high priority on public education. Correlation does not prove causation, and anyone who claims to be educated and doesn't understand that isn't educated. They were products of real education neglect.

But the hypocrisy is that the schools will tell you how important it is for your kid to be there. It's so important, they will imprison and fine any parent who doesn't force their kid to go every day. However, they are quick to suspend and expel students based on "behavior," which means most of the time, favoritism and labels. They are quick to tell you that your child is not welcome there until immunizations are caught up. In fact, when the school is the reason your child cannot attend, that absence is the parent's fault.

In addition, many schools cannot pass AYP (Annual Yearly Progress). There's a million variables behind why a school doesn't pass AYP, but a school who can't make AYP should be education neglect on the school's part. Period.

When a school passes a kid who isn't ready for the next grade, that is the real education neglect. When children graduate high school thinking "LOL" is a real word and Texas is its own country, that is the real education neglect. When people graduate who cannot solve a simple algebraic equation, that is the real education neglect. When educators graduate twisting correlation into causation and even worse, apply it as such, that is a sign of double education neglect (the educator neglected a real education, and the people in the educator's system being neglected a real educated due to the illiteracy of the educator). Yet when a parent's child misses more than 5 days for illness, they are the ones charged with education neglect. Parents are the only ones who can face prison and fines for education neglect.

2.  Free education.


Education is not free just like freedom isn't free. They need funding, and it being provided by the government instead of tuition makes it free to students and parents so that every person has equal opportunity. That was the point. Equal opportunity. The poor should have access to the same opportunities as the rich, at least when it comes to education.

But it doesn't work that way in the real world. In the real world, the poorer schools have less funding than the wealthier schools. Somehow, government funds end up going to the "better" schools neglecting the ones that don't look so hot on paper. Fundraisers make it worse because students who have money to buy their own stuff make more money for the school than students who can't afford to purchase a vegetable chopper that will fall apart on a potato and magazine subscriptions. The class system is designed to keep poor people friends with poor people, and rich people friends with rich people. They live in the same neighborhoods. Which increases how fundraising raises more funds for the "better schools" than it does for the ones who slipped into the cracks of the system.

But even then, your basic education should be available free. Today's job market is different than it was decades ago. Twenty years ago, you could land a good job with a high school diploma alone. Today, a high school diploma without any college lands you the same job as if you dropped out of high school. Minimum wage. The free education does not, anymore, offer equal opportunity. Only students who can afford college receive any real opportunity. Grants do not usually cover the full cost of education. Student loans are impossible to pay back anymore and set most students finishing school thousands of dollars in debt to start life whereas the wealthy have a clean slate, a trust fund, and oodles of networking when they hunt for their first job.

In order for education to again be an equal opportunity ordeal, we have to make the Bachelor's Degree a publicly funded education.

My personal idea for a solution to this is to tweak high school curriculum to offer college credits for every class, enough to graduate with a degree. Thanks to technology, schools can offer online classes with an online university paid for by the state, especially for specialty job-specific classes. Not all classes would be replaced with a new college professor. Freshman English could be tweaked to offer 6 credits for English Comp 1 and English Comp 2 taught by the same teacher who has been teaching it for decades. Honestly, my high school classes were harder than those offered through my community college. The reason being, high school is designed to prepare students to enter a university like Harvard for the smart ones and the state university for the average. The community college is designed to give people who haven't been to school in a decade a piece of paper that says they are educated. Combining the two worlds would be more productive and make more logical sense in this day and age than keeping them separate.

3.  Special Education


The IEP is designed to grant schools IDEA funds for every child that requires special services. It's also designed for parents and teachers to sit down together to establish goals for their child and figure out which services the child needs and qualifies for.

In real life, the IEP is often misused. Many educators use it as a label for deficiency and behavior disorders than they do as a tool to help a child overcome a learning disability. There's also many stories about the abuse of special needs children, by educators and adults, as a normal part of the special education services. It's part of the system. Part of the child's average day often includes some form of abuse or neglect parents are unaware of. Not every school is like that, but the stories of issues parents face in this realm are so overwhelmingly large that it should be worthy of reform.

It amazes me how so many educators, people who have a Master's Degree in Education and Early Childhood Development, are so quick to mock and criticize the special needs. It's almost as if there was never an Ethics course offered in their curriculum. Was there?

In addition, there is a history of schools telling you how to treat your child's diagnosis that lands them the IEP. Some schools refuse to take your child if your child is not medicated, as if their Masters in Education is equivalent to Medical School. Some will also tell you how you should parent. Others will tell you what your child needs, without a care to your opinion. IN fact, if you disagree with them on what you child needs in an attempt to advocate for your kid, knowing the schools do not know this child enough to diagnose a treatment plan let alone are qualified to do such a thing, you risk having child protection services called on you.

And it's not enough to tell you how to treat your child's diagnosis, many schools will try to diagnose your kid for you. Many parents are faced being forced to get an assessment done on their child through the schools or through professional services they cannot afford over an unqualified opinion.

There are oodles of stories of kids who a teacher thought was ADHD and the parent was told, "You have to get him diagnosed with ADHD and medicate with stimulants or your kid isn't welcome here," and there was one instance in Colorado where the child did not have ADHD according to the shrinks and the father lost custody of his child temporarily for not medicating his kid. Health neglect.

4. Bullying


My state supposedly has the toughest anti-bullying policy out there, yet there is no enforcement of it outside of the occasional parent suing the school system.

Children are taught during the Character Ed class at my kid's school that bullying is wrong, followed by "tattletaling is bad too." In other words, don't bully kids, and if you are bullied, don't bother us grown ups with it. If I parented that way, I'd lose my kids.

Meanwhile, if any of my children are bullied, I wouldn't know what to do. There is no place to fill out a form. No person to call to oversee the protection of the children. I could probably find an anti-bullying policy somewhere on the internet for my state, but who do I bring the case to? There is no judge in the system to say, "hey that was bullying, I sentence the bully to community service and time with a shrink." There is no person to run to with the problem, and the parent has no control over what happens in school to do something themselves. The principal is the only person you can go to, and they don't have to do anything about it. They won't lose their job if they tell you to get over it, or that they are on it and the problem doesn't go away as if nothing was done.

Not to mention, oftentimes the bully is a teacher or principal. Who do you run to with that? The regular courts in a lawsuit, one that will label you one of those people who are quick to sue over anything. There should be a policy that enforces the anti-bullying policy. It's really hypocritical to have a policy that you don't enforce. Period.

With my own daughter, I've stopped letting her ride the bus, and I now drive her to school because of a harassing bully. My nephew, after attempting to switch schools too many times, is now homeschooled to escape bullying from kids who get away with it and from educators. Because he's special needs, nobody gives him any credibility. He's the crazy one, so any time a kid punches him for no reason or a teacher ignorantly ignores the IEP and fuels a meltdown, it's somehow his fault.

When I say we need education reform, I don't mean we need longer days or that we need to introduce common core concepts. I mean we need to actually reform the system. A good start would be to approach the hypocrisy in the system. I only touched on the top 4 that came to my mind here, but there's so much more to this than this. For instance, instead of common core math, why not just teach students to count in different base systems before the onset of addition? Even better, I'd like to see a study done of what age kids absorb that information best and introduce it then. For another instance, we could squeeze most of school to half days and keep teachers full time separating the class into morning and afternoons to create smaller classrooms.

What we really need to do is listen to this guy...




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Saturday, May 17, 2014

Your Pet Peeve is probably my pet peeve




This week's Sunday Confession's prompt is PET PEEVES





I was driving down the road listening to, gasp, the radio, and it was talk radio because not one Top 40 station in town doesn't have some morning show. I can't remember if it was Elvis Duran or Bob and Sherry or some other show, but they were talking about Pet Peeves. People were calling in with stuff like...

Some Ecard Pet Peeve
Talking loudly on the cell phone in public... Um it's ok to talk loudly to each other in public so as long as it's not on a cell phone? For me, all conversations you people have in public is loud and proud because I have heightened senses. I hear everything. People on their periods with a weird rash. Yes I heard you whisper about it to your mother getting your cream. Or I have no idea who you are talking about, but it sounds like a family member, and they sound like an asshole. And by the way, Frank already told you 3 times he was going to automotive Miss "where did Frank go?" So to someone like me, this has got to be the dumbest motherfucking pet peeve I have ever heard of.

Children in public places... Ok, for all you people who didn't breed, probably because you can't get laid, children are hyperactive, run all over the place, loud, bored individuals. They tend to cry when they don't get their way and over boo boos that are nonexistent. They fight with each other over "she's copying me" and "she's not my friend anymore." When they feel strongly about something, it usually comes out in a loud banshee scream. And newsflash, you used to be one of those assholes. Consider it karma when I take my kids in public and they step on your oh so sensitive nerves. And all you moms who be like, "I don't want to hear your kids when I'm away from mine," my suggestion, next time you get away, go to a fucking bar. See this one, this one makes me want to describe what it's like watching your kid throw up spaghetti.

People who write a check... You know, how a person handles their money is their own business. If they want to be old school and write a check, I DO, let them. I'll tell you why I do. I have 2 accounts. One is a debit card account, one the husband accesses. The other is a check and atm only account, one the husband doesn't access due to its lack of debit card. I do that for two reasons. 1. to have a stash of cash because the husband will spend it if he can touch it. 2. my bank charges 25 cents for every debit card transaction. They can kiss my ass with that shit I'll write a check. I'm sorry if you had to wait an extra 60 seconds to get to your turn to take forever to do whatever it is you are doing. If you are annoyed that someone tells you to have patience, then you probably need to follow their advice to save your soul.

Pet peeves are supposed to be something like, "the line on the form isn't long enough to write my name." Or music that sounds like strobe lighting. Tea that is too sweet. Not stuff like, "this person was living." Hello. Anyone in there? Think McFly. Think.There's a fine line between rude people (i.e. people who drive fast to pull out in front of you in traffic and then go real slow) and people (i.e. a mom going grocery shopping with her kids and paying by check while talking on her cell phone). If you are bitching about people living, you are my biggest pet peeve. In the words of Too Short, "Let my nuts go, biatch."

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Friday, May 16, 2014

Nice Things Finish the Sentence

Before I get started, just to point out, I had to change the name of my blog because some jackhole in Japan bought my domain name that I had no idea expired. 

Now Finish the Sentence Friday:
Janine's Confessions of A Mommyaholic
The nicest thing someone ever did for me was...

The nicest thing someone ever did for me was be brutally murdered by the very hands he was saving. Jesus Christ people. That's who I'm talking about. 

That would be a short blog post, so why don't I just do a list of nice things people have done for me in this life from the top of my head with a side of vodka...

My mother pushed me out of her pie hole. It would suck to have been stuck in there after all these years. Now that could be a horror movie. 

Someone got creative with potatoes and once made me a potato gun I call vodka. Well they didn't make it for me, but it was a nice thing that happened to me.

One time my kid was melting down and an angel of a woman came to my rescue as told in my post titled Dear Dr. Phil Wannabes of Walmart

Recently, my friend and I went out away from home to talk about my problems, and we stopped to get a nice, refreshing, cold soda. I remember her getting gas and it was annoying to wait for her to pump because I was thirsty, but I don't remember when that happened because apparently, she forgot to pay for it. This is the gas station I go to so regularly, two people that work there are on my facebook, and I'm talking to this one woman about it, and I'm like, "My friend has no memory of it whatsoever, but I distinctly remember her pumping gas recently and I'm not sure if she paid for it or not, but it was only 10 bucks, I'll go ahead and pay it for her." The woman insisted it was only 10 bucks and on the house, not to worry about it. 

My husband stood up for me when my sister was being a bunch of words you shouldn't say around children. It meant a lot to me. I just didn't see that one coming ok. 

My shrink actually cared. I know. That's what I pay him for, but most don't do that. My shrink gives good advice. From the heart. That's just rare in that field. Speaking of which, he totally scared the shit out of me when he was giving it. He just really meant it. That's all. 

Ever so often, people (usually men or children) hold the door open for me.

A priest has always taken a minute to listen to my problems. I'm not Catholic. That's really nice of them to do considering I don't tithe at their church.

One time I went to the ER with a migraine, and the doctor, who gets migraines, took care of me faster than normal and without any more questions, rhymes or reason it was LIKE, "I see you are in pain. Lots of pain. Tell no more. Here's some good shit that will knock that out. Oh, you drove yourself here? You don't have anyone to drive you back? Normally we wouldn't give you this, but you are in a lot of pain so..." 

My sister once took me out to eat to tell me a close friend of mine died.

I drove through Sonic. Ordered. Realized I forgot my wallet. They let me leave with the food, eat it, whatever, and come back to pay. They have done that both times I did that. 

When I was like 4 years old. I was at the pool and bravely swam out beyond where I can touch the bottom of the pool. Then I started drowning. I was dog paddling for my life for what felt like hours, I'm sure it was 3 minutes, before some kind adult (I'm pretty sure it was a man with a beer belly) grabbed my arm and dragged me to the wall. He didn't say a word to me. He just saved my life. 

You know, I really thought a bunch of stuff would come pouring in off the top of my head, but people aren't really that nice to me. Maybe they are and I take it for granted. But most days, I'm pretty content if I can go somewhere and they don't do anything mean to me. In many ways, not being a dick is probably one of the nicest things a human who isn't a parent or the son of God has done for me. 

When my dad was alive, he'd stop whatever he was doing to solve my problems or try to. My mom attempts the same feat on a regular basis as well. My kids, they must take after my parents. If I'm crying, they will stop playing to ask me if I'm ok. I think the issue is for someone to do something nice for you, they have to care. Because the world is in need, indeed, of a Care Bear Stare, we're all stuck pro-creating some nice little people to care for us when our parents leave us behind in this thing called life. 

So basically, moral of the story, when a stranger is nice to you. Embrace the moment. Don't forget about it. Remember it. Appreciate it. I mean your life, my life, our lives up to this point is just a memory of the past. I tend to dwell on the negative, and maybe that's why I struggled coming up with nice things that people have done for me. But maybe people just aren't that nice anymore. Either way, it's healthier to appreciate it like the rare, golden gift it is. This is probably why some people embrace Thank You Cards in packs of 20. 

More Finish the Sentence Friday at Finding Ninee or Janine's Confessions below. 

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Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Crazy people are people too

You know how I say I'm crazy with pride? Well it depends on what crazy I'm referring to. The crazy that's me, that's always been me, the me dancing in weird places to make the clerk laugh or driving like a mad woman, that's a crazy I'm proud of. The diagnosis crazy, the stuff that's new to me, not so proud and highly embarrassed.

I also know not only what it's like to take care of crazy people, I know what it's like to be crazy. 

When I take care of my nephew, I want people to know he's crazy. He's a handful. He's difficult. I want people to know because it IS difficult to raise him. I earned it dealing with the crazy. I want you all to know for sympathy and an occasional pity party because I need those things to get by and keep me going. Everyone enjoys a good pity party once in a while. Don't even pretend you are immune to that. Even more, don't be the asshole who is all, "shut the fuck up, stop bitching, and live your life about it," because we all know you cower like a little bitch too on occasion and need a poor you minute. 

I know I'm not the only one. I read blogs of moms of special needs kids, and most do the same thing. It's so difficult to raise this kid. It's almost impossible at times. There are issues that have no solutions. These are things they actually do experience. Things they want the world to be more understanding of because of those people who say, "Suck it up it's called parenting." 

One time I was on a facebook group, and a mom of a kid with down syndrome went ape shit over someone calling a mean person retarded. I understand the word offends her. I understand her need to advocate for her son and release her inner pity party, but she went too far when she is offended that someone called someone else retarded because she believes her son is retarded. It makes him appear special needs more so than he already is to people.

Yes, we are flipping the picture here. As the person who is crazy, I'm sick of people treating me as such. Here's the deal. I have a diagnosis that should land me in a long-term care facility for the rest of my life. I'm not there. Instead, I'm at home cleaning the house, taking care of my kids, raising my kids, cooking meals, planning doctor appointments, handling all the finances, taking the kids to school... I'm still the person everyone calls when shit hits the fan, "Hey Michelle, tears, I don't know what to do, I need to pay my water bill and I don't have the money." Ok. I'll help. "Hey Michelle, come get me now before I kill my mother." Got it kid. I will pick you up mid-meltdown with all 3 kids with me, calm you down, and make you spaghetti. "Hey Michelle, I can't bring this kid lunch because I'm busy here at work, do you mind dropping some off?" Why not? I'm the crazy one right? Nevermind my life, what do you want me to cook for him? 

Now that I've more than proved I'm more capable of life than most non-crazy neurotypical people, then they follow it with:


  • You can't make clear decisions because of your diagnosis.
  • Nobody will take you seriously in court or in your kids' school because of your diagnosis; your husband will get instant custody of the kids in a divorce because of your diagnosis
  • Your advice that will make things easier on you in the future when I come at you to fix my problem is something I can't follow because you are crazy and therefore have no credibility; and when you come at me later with, "I told you so," I'm going to believe you are making it all up because you are crazy. 
  • You can't say crazy things like "she's gonna regret the day she pissed in my Cheerios," or "Patti has no idea her pet unicorn, Lord Burgess Atwood, loves to dance to showtunes from Rodgers and Hammerstein," because of your diagnosis, people will take it wrong. 
  • You are making excuses for your crazy, in response to things like, "I'm running late because I overslept, and then the kids flooded the bathroom and one peed on the floor on our way out the door and I had to change her clothes and clean it up, and then they wanted food..." As if real life doesn't happen to me anymore because some Freudian Wannabe wrote something about me on paper. 

Let's not even get into...

Did you take your meds?

I hear this question every time I disagree with someone who knows my diagnosis. Heaven forbid I have my own opinion and it's not the same as yours. 

The one that really gets me. I'm not entitled to emotions anymore. If I have a feeling, it's somehow part of my crazy and a sign that I'm getting worse. Just because I am pissed at someone for pissing me off doesn't mean I am crazy. In fact, if I responded with a poker face, that would be a sign of a mental problem. When you respond to fight or flight mode with calm logic, you are fucking crazy, like kill the population by talking them into drinking bleach crazy. If someone stabs you, pain is a normal response. If someone you love calls you a cunt, pissed off is a normal response. If a stranger calls you a cunt, a little pissed off followed by, "Do I look like your mama?" is a normal response. 

From a crazy person to another. From a person who handles crazy person to another. Do not assume the crazy are incompetent. That's mean. Calling me retarded over a diagnosis is bad enough, but to take the extra steps to SHOW me that's what you think no matter how you word it? Now that's fucked up. Look at people for who they are. 

If I'm sitting here telling you the world is going to end on December 5, you need to stock up on water, first aid kits, chicken blood to ward off the vampires, and wear this aluminum hat until then so the aliens can't see you, ok then treat me like I'm retarded enough to need your help and that my advice might suck. If I'm telling you, "I thought about driving off a bridge yesterday," Ok, red flag. That doesn't mean I don't know what we should eat for dinner or that my advice on making a crazy person see a shrink is bad advice, but it is definitely a red flag. IF you see me in my bedroom for days without sleeping or eating and just crying, lots of crying, and I didn't take the kids to school or clean the house, hospitalize my ass. But if you see me taking my kids to school, cooking meals, worried about coming up with money for picture day (hey multiple kids, that shit is not cheap), you know, being responsible and shit, don't treat me like I'm drooling on myself plotting to lick the windows.

I'm not saying you are not entitled to your pity party for putting up with my ass. If I make you stop what you are doing to come over here and help with the dishes, by all means bitch that you had to help me with the dishes. But don't bitch about shit I'm not. Don't do that to any person with a diagnosis. Don't treat normal or unusual but safe things like it's part of the diagnosis because it really hurts the person you supposedly advocate and love.

Judge a person NOT by their diagnosis, but by the things they do. If they are fully functioning or damn near close enough like you, don't treat them like they aren't. We all have moments of insanity, and just because someone had one long enough to get diagnosed doesn't mean they are always that person. If they aren't fully functioning, those who aren't actually caring for the individual really shouldn't have an opinion of them. By actually caring, I don't mean being nosy up in their business. I mean you wiped their butt and cooked their meal.

All people are crazy. Some of us are diagnosed. The people who don't know their crazy enough to give it a name are the ones that are dangerous. And all of us, crazy or undiagnosed, need to realize that we all may be different, but we are still equal. Crazy people are entitled to bad days, negative emotions, strange opinions, bad behavior, and shitty excuses just like you are.

PS. I have never licked a window, but I have licked people and poured salt on them and then licked the salt off before doing a shot of tequila. You don't even want to know what I do with the lemon afterwards. Mmmm. Body shots.

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Sunday, May 11, 2014

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Mother's Day Sucks

Today is Mother's Day. I hate this holiday. It's like Christmas. I used to love it as a kid, but then I became a mom and things changed. I hate mother's day now. It's like being single for Valentine's Day. Being broke for Christmas. Burning the Thanksgiving Turkey. Everyone asking you what you are on Halloween because your costume does not speak for itself. It's a bum day. Period.

Let me tell you why. Outside the idea that my husband kind of competes for attention on this day, i.e. like a teenager starting arguments just for attention... The world is more consumed with a woman's ability to not have children than they are their ability to care for them. No matter where you go, no matter how minute the situation, you can't escape people with this mentality.

It's all people. Moms. Non-moms. Dads. Fifteen year olds. Bad parents are the worst of the bunch. It's like they are not only determined to fuck up their kids for society in the future, but they are determined to make you and your kids miserable in the process. They just want to watch the world suffer as they raise their spawns to be minions of hell and then again when their spawns try to get a job. They are like glitter coated legos made from cacti. It's because they are insecure about themselves as parents. Most bad parents should be. That's why they are bad parents. HA. I said it.

This mother's day sucks in particular. A couple days ago, my sister started a fight with me over me taking her kid out of town to visit family and a facebook post from last month. She attacked me. Wouldn't let me leave without attacking me a thousand times. She then had someone call and pretend to be the cops to scare me. Then she filed a restraining order against me, lying about stuff. Most people in my life seem to be on my sister's side. That's how manipulative she is. Don't even comment, "I'd love to kick your sister's ass for that" because she might find this and say I'm threatening her with your comment.

Because my mom has my sister's kid who texts her everything I do or say, I can't visit my mom because I risk breaking the restraining order with a third party deal.

The only good thing about today is my kid handed me a flower she made at school. You have no idea how much that meant to me. Of course, she dropped it on the floor and now there's a bunch of dirt on my white carpet....

The way I look at it. My family sucks. So I had to create my own and it's just time I leave whatever fucked up nest I got and create the nest I want to live in. I've been focusing too much energy on other nests, time and energy I should have reserved for my own nest.

So this mother's day, I urge all moms to take time to enjoy their own nest. Not the one you came from. The one you make, because it's only in that nest can you find rest. And by rest, I don't really actually mean actual sleep. That you won't find ever again congratulations welcome to motherhood.

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PS. I already noticed a lot of my titles are something Sucks. Well I'm not in a happy phase right now. Get the fuck over it.

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Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Do you think your man loves you? Take this stupid quiz to find out.



I made a quiz. You should take it.
Scroll over the question to see the entire question because I'm wordy.



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Saturday, May 3, 2014

Sleep Deprivation Sucks

I'm finally sharing some of the story that lead to my current levels of crazy I hide from all of you, and this is only a glimpse. In order to tell the whole story, I'd have to write a memoir. That might happen some day. Might. It's a lot of skeletons. But here's this...

The Sandman likes to skip my house as if I have smeared the butter of dead cattle over my doorway to let him know to Passover my house like a story from Genesis. Sleep deprivation is not for the faint of heart. It’s not really for the strong, determined type either. In fact, it’s like having lice that carry the swine flu, like it’s just not good all the way around.

Being tired and falling asleep was the easiest task in the world for me to do. I’d fall asleep by accident at work, especially when doing brainless tasks like putting postage stamps on 300 Receivables, where I wake up somewhere around 150 and find half the stamps were placed dead center of the envelope. Or in school, I’d be taking notes, and I’d wake up to see I had written, “The psychosexual stages are comprised of…” and then the text would get really small and almost illegible, “bat wings and Mark’s accounting entries for the soufflé.” This was me being healthy with sleep.

For most of my life, I was, overall, in a sleep heaven. That was until I had kids. People think the concept of “sleeping in” is the luxury, but parents know, the concept of falling asleep in the first place is the luxury.

For many years of my life, I was the walking dead. My natural state was a state of panic-laced confusion 30IQ points shy of normal cognitive functioning. Other symptoms of sleep deprivation, for me at least, included lack of depth perception, short term memory loss Dory level, weight loss, migraines, and it made whatever crazy that ails me much, much worse.

When sleep deprived, it takes ten times longer to accomplish something, from brushing your teeth to doing the dishes. The number ten totally came out of my brain from nowhere, so don’t assume that’s a real statistic because it’s an under-exaggerated hyperbole. While sleep deprived, your most brilliant ideas to solve your problems are generally irrational, make-the-situation-worse, stupidest ideas that make the village drunk look like the village elder. The irritability would hurt people if only you had the energy. The anxiety is like having a thousand raging hormonal teenagers inside your body ready to burst out in the form of tears and hair loss over the toilet paper someone threw on the floor next to the toilet.

I did drive under the influence of sleep deprivation, a lot more than I should have. At my worst, one time I was in the McDonald’s drive thru, and I was stopped in between window number one and window number two. Traffic slowly moved up, and I slowly, at like 1mph, inched toward the window number two, and my daughter, 6 years old at the time, screamed, “Mommy look out!” I damn near drove into the brick building at 1 mph. I didn’t see it. A huge brick building 3 inches in front of my face. It came out of nowhere. Depth perception is something you use a lot more than you realize.

My symptoms were probably worse than what most people experience because my sleep deprivation was much worse than what most experience. I did do that whole normal mom syndrome thing: the newborn needing to eat every 2 hours while trying to maintain a house and cook meals. That was followed with two more newborns, which it’s totally a different game having a baby eat that often while caring for toddlers at the same time, all kids in diapers. That in of itself is enough to put some people on suicide watch at the local funny farm.

Sleep deprivation takes on a whole new meaning when you are sleep deprived, not because you can’t fall asleep, but because the world around you just won’t let you because the world around you, too, is sleep deprived, lost in a hyper-confused, irritable state of mind.

My oldest child is on the autism spectrum, and with that came sleep issues. It was like her body operated on a 30 hour day instead of a 24 hour one, so we cycled where some days she slept for most of the night, and others, she didn’t sleep at all at night, and all the nights in between, she slept some funky hours, nothing consistent enough to schedule one’s life around.

Then my youngest daughter is allergic to milk and soy. For the first 2 years of her life with doctors refusing to test for allergies, she was covered in a blood-drawing itchy rash on her arms and legs. As if the itching wasn’t enough to keep her awake at night, the antihistamines doctors pushed on us somehow added to the hyperactivity she faced during O dark 30.

For the first 3 years of my life as a mother, I slept like most moms thinking there was a light at the end of the tunnel to find out the tunnel is a donut with no beginning or end. I slept on average 2 to 6 hours a night, non-consecutive. That word, non-consecutive means I got 2 to 6 hours of sleep with 15 minutes here, 45 minutes there.

The next two years of my life as a mother, I only napped at the husband’s mercy (and he didn’t have much mercy for me). The youngest would fall asleep about 9PM like a normal kid. The oldest child had a hard time falling asleep at this point with her autism, making the middle kid follow her lead, so they’d finally clonk out at midnight. The baby would then wake up soon after, hyper, ready to tackle a day between the itching and antihistamines. She’d finally fall back asleep around 6 AM. At 7AM, I’d wake all of them up to send one kid to school.

There were phases where it got much worse. At one point, someone called CPS on the baby’s rash among other things that made no sense, like they complained that my husband was a college student. Yes that’s horrible. Everyone call CPS if you know any college students who procreated. While I’ve discovered the real reason since this moment, including politics surrounding the situation (family members arguing with CPS supervisors on a professional level), the reason the CPS investigators gave me for opening a safety plan at the time was that my child was eating popcorn, and popcorn is a choking hazard. I am not making this up. While I’m totally embarrassed CPS ever showed up at my door, I can’t help but to laugh at the desperate stupidity of the investigators to open a case on me. On paper, the reason was because my kid has autism, and I don’t hit my kids. Only I would have CPS open a safety plan on me because I don’t hit my kids.

The two months CPS was in my life and the two months I attempted to have a real job, I literally did not sleep. I would go 3 to 5 days straight with no sleep, to sleep 4 to 8 hours before going another 3 to 5 days straight. When I wasn’t sleeping, I operated balls to the wall full throttle, running to chase kids, bouncing off the trampoline to get the blanky and back to the dishes, doing some Jet Li stunt to get a kid out of the space between the sofa and the wall… I didn’t think that was humanly possible, but I can tell you it is. I did it. I pushed pass the pain like any good soldier and carried on.

Why would CPS make me lose sleep? I had to keep the house immaculate for them while taking care of a baby and 2 toddlers, one of which had a hyperactive, super-destructive autism complete with meltdowns that would tip trash cans and book shelves, a table, dumped toy bins, all at once in a matter of 15 seconds. I have white carpet, so I had to shampoo it every other day to keep it looking not-so-disgusting. Everything was in reach of the children, including dirty and clean laundry, which often ended up in a pile covered in juice and shredded cheddar often putting me at square one, again, with laundry. It was almost like a weekly ritual for the kids where I imagined them dancing around it like Indians praying for rain around a bon fire.

And I was alone. My husband was like a 4th kid. My mother was lost in taking care of my sister’s kids. My sister wouldn’t watch my kids because she was too busy not having her kids to want to take mine.

In 2 months, I lost over 80 pounds. I had migraines every day, and not just little ones, show stopping, vomit inducing, someone shoot me in the head and end the pain, migraines. I am now terrified of housework from this period in my life.  I just don’t want to be that girl again, the one laying on the floor with dripping wet soapy scrubbers in her hand huddled over a trash can throwing up while kids were screaming and hair pulling over a toy 3 feet in front of me.

And the worst part of all my sleep deprivation, nobody cared. Nobody. It’s impossible for someone who is well rested to empathize at all with someone who is not. They think you make it up. That you are exaggerating in hyperbole that you didn't sleep last night. In fact, they’ll insult you by saying, “I didn’t sleep at all last night either, like I got up 3 times in the middle of the night.” Bitch if you got up, you went to sleep you don’t get to claim not sleeping at all. I didn't sleep at all because I never laid down in the first place to get up.
People don’t want to help, so they use any and all logic in their stupid minds to justify not helping, no matter how desperate the logic sounds, and they do this to avoid admitting to being an a-hole. It would really just be easier if when I call you and ask, “Can you watch my kids for a few hours on Tuesday so I can sleep that week?” if you just say, “I know it sucks to be you, but I am too busy with my happy, well-rested life to really care about yours, so no. I’m just a dick. Sorry.” That’s so much better than, “Yeah, sure, any time,” and then disappear from the planet come Tuesday, followed by 3 months later, “But I have offered to help you and you refuse to take it.” The passive aggressive latter is really an aggressive kick to the face while I’m already down.

The only thing to get me through this dark period of loneliness, overwhelming work load and insanity, besides God, was the internet. Mommy blogs became my daily inspiration to laugh things off and embrace the chaos. The friends I made online, scattered throughout the world, including other planets whether they are aliens or delusional, have been a Godsend to me. They let me bitch and gripe about the daily grind offering encouraging words of support and cyber hugs. Someone, somewhere, over the rainbow, out there beneath the pale moonlight, cares. Knowing that means a lot when you are down. Then I started blogging, a sign that things are turning around and I am slowly healing.

I had to wake up from not sleeping in order to sleep again. I had to solve my own problems and take charge of my own health. Like teaching my children to walk and pee in the potty, I’m slowly taking baby steps toward embracing this new life I brought into this world. I’m sleeping regularly now with the help of my inner bitch and sleeping pills, and I’m currently battling the past that haunts me. While things look overwhelming still, and the no solution problem of keeping up with the kids while maintaining my own personal health at the same time seems, still, a no solution, I at least am well rested enough to take on these days with a clearer mind. For instance, next time someone calls CPS on me. I’m just going to be like, “We don’t live here. No this mess? Really? You think I would let my kids live in a messy house at all? This place belongs to my evil twin. No we live with my mom in her immaculately clean house where we don’t eat any popcorn or go to college whatsoever.”

To the sleep deprived in the world out there, I want to say, Laugh it off. Laughter is the best medicine. Now stop reading this and go to bed.

  

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