Crazy people are people too

You know how I say I'm crazy with pride? Well it depends on what crazy I'm referring to. The crazy that's me, that's always been me, the me dancing in weird places to make the clerk laugh or driving like a mad woman, that's a crazy I'm proud of. The diagnosis crazy, the stuff that's new to me, not so proud and highly embarrassed.

I also know not only what it's like to take care of crazy people, I know what it's like to be crazy. 

When I take care of my nephew, I want people to know he's crazy. He's a handful. He's difficult. I want people to know because it IS difficult to raise him. I earned it dealing with the crazy. I want you all to know for sympathy and an occasional pity party because I need those things to get by and keep me going. Everyone enjoys a good pity party once in a while. Don't even pretend you are immune to that. Even more, don't be the asshole who is all, "shut the fuck up, stop bitching, and live your life about it," because we all know you cower like a little bitch too on occasion and need a poor you minute. 

I know I'm not the only one. I read blogs of moms of special needs kids, and most do the same thing. It's so difficult to raise this kid. It's almost impossible at times. There are issues that have no solutions. These are things they actually do experience. Things they want the world to be more understanding of because of those people who say, "Suck it up it's called parenting." 

One time I was on a facebook group, and a mom of a kid with down syndrome went ape shit over someone calling a mean person retarded. I understand the word offends her. I understand her need to advocate for her son and release her inner pity party, but she went too far when she is offended that someone called someone else retarded because she believes her son is retarded. It makes him appear special needs more so than he already is to people.

Yes, we are flipping the picture here. As the person who is crazy, I'm sick of people treating me as such. Here's the deal. I have a diagnosis that should land me in a long-term care facility for the rest of my life. I'm not there. Instead, I'm at home cleaning the house, taking care of my kids, raising my kids, cooking meals, planning doctor appointments, handling all the finances, taking the kids to school... I'm still the person everyone calls when shit hits the fan, "Hey Michelle, tears, I don't know what to do, I need to pay my water bill and I don't have the money." Ok. I'll help. "Hey Michelle, come get me now before I kill my mother." Got it kid. I will pick you up mid-meltdown with all 3 kids with me, calm you down, and make you spaghetti. "Hey Michelle, I can't bring this kid lunch because I'm busy here at work, do you mind dropping some off?" Why not? I'm the crazy one right? Nevermind my life, what do you want me to cook for him? 

Now that I've more than proved I'm more capable of life than most non-crazy neurotypical people, then they follow it with:

• You can't make clear decisions because of your diagnosis.
• Nobody will take you seriously in court or in your kids' school because of your diagnosis; your husband will get instant custody of the kids in a divorce because of your diagnosis
• Your advice that will make things easier on you in the future when I come at you to fix my problem is something I can't follow because you are crazy and therefore have no credibility; and when you come at me later with, "I told you so," I'm going to believe you are making it all up because you are crazy. 
• You can't say crazy things like "she's gonna regret the day she pissed in my Cheerios," or "Patti has no idea her pet unicorn, Lord Burgess Atwood, loves to dance to showtunes from Rodgers and Hammerstein," because of your diagnosis, people will take it wrong. 
• You are making excuses for your crazy, in response to things like, "I'm running late because I overslept, and then the kids flooded the bathroom and one peed on the floor on our way out the door and I had to change her clothes and clean it up, and then they wanted food..." As if real life doesn't happen to me anymore because some Freudian Wannabe wrote something about me on paper. 

Let's not even get into...

Did you take your meds?

I hear this question every time I disagree with someone who knows my diagnosis. Heaven forbid I have my own opinion and it's not the same as yours. 

The one that really gets me. I'm not entitled to emotions anymore. If I have a feeling, it's somehow part of my crazy and a sign that I'm getting worse. Just because I am pissed at someone for pissing me off doesn't mean I am crazy. In fact, if I responded with a poker face, that would be a sign of a mental problem. When you respond to fight or flight mode with calm logic, you are fucking crazy, like kill the population by talking them into drinking bleach crazy. If someone stabs you, pain is a normal response. If someone you love calls you a cunt, pissed off is a normal response. If a stranger calls you a cunt, a little pissed off followed by, "Do I look like your mama?" is a normal response. 

From a crazy person to another. From a person who handles crazy person to another. Do not assume the crazy are incompetent. That's mean. Calling me retarded over a diagnosis is bad enough, but to take the extra steps to SHOW me that's what you think no matter how you word it? Now that's fucked up. Look at people for who they are. 

If I'm sitting here telling you the world is going to end on December 5, you need to stock up on water, first aid kits, chicken blood to ward off the vampires, and wear this aluminum hat until then so the aliens can't see you, ok then treat me like I'm retarded enough to need your help and that my advice might suck. If I'm telling you, "I thought about driving off a bridge yesterday," Ok, red flag. That doesn't mean I don't know what we should eat for dinner or that my advice on making a crazy person see a shrink is bad advice, but it is definitely a red flag. IF you see me in my bedroom for days without sleeping or eating and just crying, lots of crying, and I didn't take the kids to school or clean the house, hospitalize my ass. But if you see me taking my kids to school, cooking meals, worried about coming up with money for picture day (hey multiple kids, that shit is not cheap), you know, being responsible and shit, don't treat me like I'm drooling on myself plotting to lick the windows.

I'm not saying you are not entitled to your pity party for putting up with my ass. If I make you stop what you are doing to come over here and help with the dishes, by all means bitch that you had to help me with the dishes. But don't bitch about shit I'm not. Don't do that to any person with a diagnosis. Don't treat normal or unusual but safe things like it's part of the diagnosis because it really hurts the person you supposedly advocate and love.

Judge a person NOT by their diagnosis, but by the things they do. If they are fully functioning or damn near close enough like you, don't treat them like they aren't. We all have moments of insanity, and just because someone had one long enough to get diagnosed doesn't mean they are always that person. If they aren't fully functioning, those who aren't actually caring for the individual really shouldn't have an opinion of them. By actually caring, I don't mean being nosy up in their business. I mean you wiped their butt and cooked their meal.

All people are crazy. Some of us are diagnosed. The people who don't know their crazy enough to give it a name are the ones that are dangerous. And all of us, crazy or undiagnosed, need to realize that we all may be different, but we are still equal. Crazy people are entitled to bad days, negative emotions, strange opinions, bad behavior, and shitty excuses just like you are.

PS. I have never licked a window, but I have licked people and poured salt on them and then licked the salt off before doing a shot of tequila. You don't even want to know what I do with the lemon afterwards. Mmmm. Body shots.

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Blogs who I think sent me traffic to my blog that you should check out if you haven't...  I do read all of these blogs regularly.

The Bloggess

Insane in the Mom Brain

More than Cheese and Beer

Finding Ninee

Ooops I Said Vagina Again

Janine's Confessions of a Mommyaholic

Strategies Parenting Kids Who Don't Sleep

Sleep is a luxury. One most people take for granted. When you are well rested, you cannot possibly understand the nature of the sleep deprived. Even if you experienced it before. And the more sleep deprived someone is, the worse it is. If you were awake for the last 24 hours, you cannot possibly empathize with someone who has been awake for 72 hours. And because you did it once in college 5 years ago, that doesn't mean you have any idea what it's like to be up 72 hours at a time with 2 to 8 hour naps in between for the last 5 years straight.

I was there. I know what happens when you push pass the pain beyond the boundaries of your body. Sleep deprivation is no joke. Some of my symptoms included

• hallucinations (balls of light and actual ghosts, usually before the migraine)
• migraines
• eating issues (I'd forget to eat a lot)
• short term memory loss
• loss of depth perception (you have no idea how important that is until you lose it)

What it really did was take whatever crazy that ails me, in my case autism and PTSD, and made it a thousand times worse. I've been sleeping again for the last year, and I'm still battling the consequences of my sleep deprivation. I probably will be for the next 5 years if I live to see it.

Why didn't I sleep you ask? I decided to procreate. I didn't realize what that really meant. And for most parents, it doesn't mean anything like what I've experienced. I know parents who popped out babies sleeping 6 hours straight for a period of time since birth. If you are one of those parents, go buy your kid a kite, a balloon, some ice cream, and start the trust fund because you owe your kid your life for that. You really do because your life is exactly what you sacrifice for a kid who doesn't sleep.

Why didn't my kids sleep?

Gabby

I had Gabby first. She is on the autism spectrum. It's very common for people on the spectrum to have trouble with sleep. I would swear that kid runs on a 30 hour day instead of a 24 hour one. Her sleep seemed to cycle. One week, she'd fall asleep at bedtime and sleep until morning. The next week, she was up later couldn't sleep and wanted to sleep in in the morning but we wouldn't let her in fear we'd ruin the sleep schedule. The next week, she was way off trying to nap through the day and being up most of the night leading up to the part where she would go 3 to 5 days wanting to sleep all day and be up all night. And then we slowly circled back to where she was sleeping at night again.

Solma

This kid really does sleep for the most part, but some nights she has issues falling asleep. I think she just inherited her father's insomnia, and it comes and goes with her.

Annie

This kid is allergic to milk and soy. We didn't know that at first. Nope, at 3 months of age, she broke out into a rash that spread everywhere but her butt and started oozing on her arm. It was bad. Doctors were useless. I was to a point where I actually considered, for only a second, grabbing the glock 40 and holding a doctor at gun point for some blood work. I dismissed that thought when the notion of sleeping with a doctor for some blood work crept into my head.

Really, what I needed was first the referral to the dermatologist. When I finally got that from the 4th doctor I saw specifically to get one, it took two months to get into the dermatologist, but we did. By then, the oozing went away on its own. We think it's from taking her to a public pool. So we recreated the pool scenario in our bath tub. A little bleach in the bath water (1 cup per 1 entire bath tub full of water, so we did 1/4 cup bleach and filled the tub almost halfway). That DRIES up the oozing of things like poison ivy and whatever rash my daughter had. Doctors disagreed about the bleach deal. Specialists were pro-bleach and regular doctors were anti-bleach.

By then I needed a referral to an allergist. That took several visits to get, but I found a doctor willing to work with me on referrals so yay. Progress. Unfortunately, he was anti-bleach and anti-goat's milk.

The first allergist refused to test. He instead wanted to dope up my 9 month old baby on antihistamines. I knew not to because of the FDA, but I was desperate at this point. So I attempted his instructions, and what happened... The antihistamine would knock her out for 2 hours, and then she would wake up hyper for 6. So about the time the other two were going to sleep, she was up all night up to about an hour before I had to wake all the kids up for school. We stopped the antihistamine after 2 weeks of it, but at her age, that was enough to make that her new sleep cycle, especially considering that she was still itching all the time and the itching kept her up.

I attempted a different allergist who was reluctant to test her for anything, but I was a bitch. I was a total bitch. I ripped him new assholes and grabbed his balls by my hand and twisted him into at least skin testing her which is where we realized she's allergic to milk and soy. That kind of sucks because formula is milk and soy only options. But by then, we had her drinking goat's milk, which we switched up to Rice Milk.

How I got my kids to sleep finally

Melatonin was awesome in the case of Gabby. Now it didn't work when she wasn't tired. Not at all. And I didn't give it to her every night like some doctors say you have to. Her doctor told me to give it to her as needed, and that's what I did. Only on nights I could tell she was tired and couldn't sleep did I give it to her. Melatonin is something your body produces naturally to help you fall asleep. Being in a dark and quiet room usually stimulates your brain into producing this. Experts suspect with autism, the brain isn't properly producing melatonin. In my kid's case, that wasn't every night. It was more like 3 nights a month did it ever help, but it would break the cycle. At this point, she hasn't taken Melatonin in over 3 years.

Prayer. I do a lot of praying, and while many who do not believe in God think I'm hallucinating an Almighty Problem Solver, I think I would be delusional to pretend that I fixed this situation completely on my own. There were many nights, out of desperation with a migraine, that I prayed profusely for God to help my kid sleep, and she never fell asleep on those nights until I prayed.

TV. I know this is a bad thing experts are totally against, but fuck the experts. They aren't up against my kids, and if they were, they wouldn't be experts anymore. The fact of the matter is you can't fall asleep until you are sitting still quietly for at least a few minutes, and you have to relax your mind. My kids don't do this naturally. They fight the tired, and then they get more hyper. I call it "hyper tired," and it's more mind boggling for the parent when kids are in hyper tired mode because that's when kids are confused, fight more, cry more, and definitely need more. Many parents at this point would suggest reading a book to your kid, but my kids won't sit still to hear a story, especially since we are talking multiple kids, so if your kids do, go that route. We allow the TV to calm my kids down. Some nights they don't watch TV but instead play with the TV on. That's when you got to get smart and pick their show for them, picking something that would suck them in based on their current interests. We always used Netflix instant streaming with this, whether it's connected to the Xbox, the Wii or the Kindle. I prefer the kids watch the Kindle at this point because it's quieter and makes the room darker.

Ambiance. Not the pill, that's Ambien. And it makes people talk to their appliances. No this is background, setting a sleep friendly environment. You know all the tips they tell you to get a baby to sleep? White noise. Turn out the lights. Maybe add a night light. Turn down the sound. Settle yourself down so you aren't moving and hyper like it's not bed time. Make sure the temperature is comfortable. That still works on kids and even adults. TV kind of breaks that deal, but adding a fan and making sure the room isn't too hot or cold is almost necessary sometimes. My kids won't go to sleep if I'm up cleaning, if lights are on in the other rooms, or if my tv is too loud. This is the time I usually sit down at the computer and do stuff, even if it's just Bejeweled Blitz.

Food and Bath Routine. We have a later dinner for this reason alone, or if we have an early dinner, we snack at about 7:30 to 8 PM. Why then? Timing. We don't do this every night, but I notice the kids fall asleep better on nights they are well fed and bathed. Bath time I think gets out that little extra hyper, soothes and relaxes, and then they sleep better when they are clean. Nobody can sleep well if they are sticky, sweaty, smelly, itchy or hungry.

Problem Solving. Really all it takes is good old fashioned problem solving abilities. Try to identify the issue, and then identify the cause, and try to find the real cause. Is it nightmares? What is causing nightmares? You might think it's something you were watching on TV the kid got a glimpse from, but it might be the argument your kid witnessed you have with another adult. Then come up with a list of solution ideas and attempt it one by one. Reevaluate over and over again. This gets old, but it's the thing behind all of my parenting approach. Every problem I've encountered with my children's behavior, I've approached it like a business meeting with myself. I set objectives. I identify issues. I choose my battles wisely. Some things have no solution. And sometimes solving a problem is embracing that.

In the case of Annie, hers was definitely finding the cause of her allergies and learning the different solutions to handling allergies. The things that help the most is reducing the allergens, duh, but also we found a nice topical steroid we use when her skin starts to get out of hand. I still give her an antihistamine, but only Zyrtec, and only when she intakes an allergen. These are all things that wouldn't work on everyone, but it works for her. It's customized to her body, her needs, her situation.

Things I don't do...

On the sleep schedule, I know a lot of parents think you make a schedule and then you train your kids like dogs to sleep at those hours. It doesn't always work that way. My kids, whether or not I woke them up early, let them nap, none of that changed when they fell asleep. I got to a point where waking them up every time they were sleeping because they were always sleeping at the wrong hours would have felt like a form of child abuse, so I wouldn't do that. If the only time they would sleep is from noon to 3, I let them have it because 3 hours is better than nothing.

School often interfered with my kids' sleep schedule they created on their own. It was definitely a struggle finding that balance between letting them sleep so they can behave like normal human beings and getting to and from school at their times. And the school, they don't care about your kid. You are your child's only advocate, and what's going to happen is if your child does not fit in the paradigm adults have hallucinated about kids, the world is going to be against you. Why not? Right? It's not like you needed a support system or anything.

If the oldest was up all night due to autism sleep issues, to wake her up regardless for school when she finally fell asleep would ascertain a day of meltdowns, transition issues, and other things teachers are not equipped to handle. Tired kids do not learn much. Many times, my kid missed half a day or a whole day because of her sleep, and the schools still hate me for forcing them into allowing that sort of thing. What they don't get, their lack of training on the subject of autism is what makes them a safety hazard if my kid isn't performing at her best to be there. So who is neglecting who Mr. School Smartypants?

The youngest, she wasn't sleeping because she wasn't tired. She was tired. When you got 3 kids with sleep issues sleeping various times of night, there's just a fine line between letting them sleep weird hours so they can sleep and trying to get them to sleep on a schedule. The fact remains, sometimes kids' schedules trump adult schedules, and adults who fail to see that are not qualified to speak on the subject.

And you do get a lot of those parents... the ones who are like, "Just make them go to sleep." Thank you Einstein for enlightening me with your expertise. Those people should run for public office. At least there, bull shit is appreciated.

Advice to the Weary

I'm assuming if you are still reading this, your kid isn't sleeping. I know it's difficult. At times it seems rather hopeless. But I'm here to tell you there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And if I could go back in time and give myself advice, this is what I would say to myself.

Stand your ground. Don't let fools guide your way to dusty death (that's a reference to Shakespeare). If you are going to fail, then fail on your terms and not someone else's. Most of the time, you know the answers. You just have to listen to yourself. Parents know their children better than any expert on the field. And mothers are naturally equipped with some weird intuition. Listen to your inner voice, and stand up for your inner voice. Don't let the haters tear you down.

Find Moral Support. It exists. It really does. I found mine online. A group of women who are struggling their own battles who empathize, do not judge, and every time I needed to hear it, they would send me hearts and hugs and well wishes.

Sleep. Make someone watch your kids so you sleep at least 4 hours in every 24 hour period. Trust me, the battle required to do such a thing is worth every ounce of sleep. You cannot function sleep deprived. You will make stupid decisions. You will take 3 times as long to solve a problem. It takes longer to do the dishes or read emails sleep deprived. In addition, chronic long term sleep deprivation can get you SSI. Yes money sounds awesome, but incapable of working does not.


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Vaccines and Autism: Why I vaccinate

I suppose I should tackle this subject at some point because autism seems to bring the most readers to my blog. I guess I should start off by saying all of my kids are vaccinated. I even went so far as to get the flu shot for myself this year. I did it without hesitation. I did it out of desperation.

This subject is not something where I want to tell you what to do. It was a long process for me to get to the point where I made the decision I made. This is my little bloggity do on why I did it. I hope the information helps you on your journey to a decision.

The AUTISM part...

The debate seems to be focused on autism. Here are some points I'd like to point out in that debate...

1. Vaccines most likely do not cause autism. No study DISPROVES the link between the two. They just can't prove a correlation exists between the two, and the studies that did were debunked. That doesn't mean vaccines do not cause autism; they still could, but it's highly unlikely. To add, most evidence supports more of a genetic cause, but there seems to be an overwhelming population of kids on the spectrum being born to families who have no other family member with signs of autism. I would like to see a study done on that portion of the population.

2. Autism is not bad. Stop acting like it is. You are insulting autistic people when you treat autism like the kiss of death.

Here's a good article for reading. Again I want to clarify that the studies do not disprove a link between autism and vaccination, nor does it DISPROVE a link between autism and MMR. All it does is suggest the link is unlikely because it does not prove a link. There's a huge difference between saying, "THIS IS PROVEN FALSE" and "THIS ISN'T PROVEN TRUE." If you find that fascinating, or confusing, I totally suggest taking a college course in Research Methods. I think some doctors may need a refresher course on it as well. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jj-keith/vaccines_b_3829948.html

Let's assume for a minute (I do this when I'm not sure the accuracy of information), that the "crazies" are right and the MMR vaccine causes autism. If I had to choose between autism and the measles, I'm going to pick autism. There are cases where the measles can lead to death. I've not known a case of autism causing someone's death. Of course we all die eventually, but if you want to compare quality of life, measles kind of suck. To me, the priority is a no-brainer.

Why I vaccinated...

When I found myself waiting in the waiting room at my doctor's office watching their health TV which mentioned the measles outbreak briefly, I saw my one kid, the one allergic to everything, the one who wasn't vaccinated yet as a result, with the measles. I couldn't unsee the image my brain for whatever messed up reason created, and yes I let the fear drive me into vaccinating my kid. Because unlike autism, the measles is something you SHOULD be afraid of. Most of the diseases vaccines try to prevent are things you SHOULD be afraid of.

If you can't look at these pictures, I mean really look at these pictures, then you should probably vaccinate your kids. I say that because these things suck, and they are what vaccinations try to prevent, like if you can't really look at these pictures and not feel fear of your kid getting it, then you don't want your kid to get this.

MEASLES...   CDC/Barbara Rice
From http://www.minnpost.com/health/2008/08/measles-report-why-we-still-need-vaccines

This boys at the Cheshire Home for Handicapped Children
in Menagesha have suffered extreme deformities from the polio virus.
Courtesy of: World Health Organization.
Retrieved from: http://www.vaccineinformation.org/polio/photos.asp
Caption from http://whatispolio.weebly.com/photos.html

Jaundice is a common symptom with Hepatitis as it affects the liver

An adherent, dense, grey pseudomembrane covering the tonsils is classically seen in diphtheria
From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diphtheria

A child "suffering" from the autism spectrum. My child to be exact.
Oh the humanity!

We fear anthrax more than flu, sharks more than pigs, flying more than driving, terrorism more than handguns, and autism more than measles.

The other argument that got to me in the decision making process for all my children, besides fear, is guilt. To not vaccinate is a very selfish deal because some kids cannot get vaccinated. Vaccinations are not safe for everyone. You can read this story about how the Hep B Vaccination was deadly for this family.

If your kid has some medical reason to not get vaccinated, the only protection for that kid from these diseases is the herd mentality of the rest of us vaccinating our kids. Why? That reduces the chances of an unvaccinated kid getting infected by not bringing them a disease to get infected with. Even my doctor mentioned that me getting the flu shot helps reduce risks of my kids getting the flu by reducing my risks of getting it to pass to them, and if someone can't get the vaccination because their health already sucks, most likely something like the measles could really complicate pre-existing conditions.

There is another side to this whole herding vaccination concept that says it doesn't work. They say it's false information to trick the population into vaccinating. "They" are sometimes people like you and I who took the power of Google to find this out and then inform us all of this great inaccuracy, and "they" are often doctors who questioned the system. Either way, "their" argument usually has some holes to it, and when it comes to "I don't fucking know who is right!" moments, I generally side with my instinct, which has no logic to it whatsoever. Basically, when logic fails, I stop using it. My instinct in this case says that vaccinations are not 100% safe, nor are they 100% effective, but they are the best we got so far, and no matter how wrong people are on the subject, I think not getting myself sick is good for those around me.

Now the Flu Shot. Why did I even go there? I read everything on it. The amount of crap they put into it. I agree it's unhealthy, but ever since my kids started public schools, I've been sick back to back from August to April. Every time I get over one thing, I catch something else. I do everything for my kids. I have no back up. I have no babysitter. My mother doesn't come clean my house, or take my kids to school, or pick them up, or help them with homework, or even watch the kids a few hours. My MIL doesn't. I do that. Sometimes the husband helps. I can't be sick. My kids are late for school when I'm sick. My kids never do their homework when I'm sick. The house is a mess when I'm sick. We order a lot of pizza when I'm sick. I can't stand it anymore.

This year it hit me again. After the first week of school, I was sick. Before that infection could turn into bronchitis, I already had symptoms of strep throat. So when I went in for a second round of antibiotics, I was like, "I don't care if it works. I don't care if it makes my autism worse. I don't care what is in it. Give me the flu shot. The chance alone is worth it to me." I'd give the doc a BJ if he told me his cum was rumored to prevent the flu.

Now my children, they don't get the flu shot. The oldest is allergic to eggs and nuts. The youngest is allergic to everything. The risk is too high for them, plus studies that most doctors agree with suggest that the flu shot is less effective on young kids and old people. It is most intended for middle aged people, like myself. So knowing that all the little kids and all the old people in nursing homes, even if they do get the flu shot, it probably wouldn't work, the best thing for them is for people like me to not get sick, and if the flu shot is effective somewhat for my age group, why not? Vitamin C and Zinc are good too.

But what I want to say to the scientific community on the subject... To the doctors. 

Vaccines are not in the clear. 

The Salzburger Study showed a correlation in an increase in allergies and asthma for vaccinated individuals and then some, but for a study to be accurate, it must be replicated, so we are still at "we need to do more studies." I don't think we have proven beyond a shadow of doubt that vaccines are 100% safe and effective. It's possible they can be. It's possible we can tweak vaccines into being more cost effective and safe at the same time. Instead of worrying about the costs associated to any improvements to the effectiveness and safety of the current vaccinations, we should be worried about the opportunity costs of stagnation. 

If science wants to be taken with more credibility, it needs to move forward without bias. Someone needs to study that sample of the population claiming autism. Something is definitely going on. You just cannot invalidate that many mothers' opinions. I've read their blogs. They aren't stupid people. Science should be more concerned about finding out what is actually going on than disproving that the problem exists.

EDITED TO UPDATE: I found this article. If you are "crunchy" as the author puts it, read this. 

http://www.voicesforvaccines.org/growing-up-unvaccinated/

The Memoirs of my Day Vacation: The Chaos

The kids were restless and the nights were drunken stupors at home, in the kitchen, with the fish, Fishy. No he was not hurt during any of it. But it was a good clear indicator that it was time. It was time to get the fuck out of here and go somewhere else. Anywhere else but here.

Embrace Yourself: I will flip between verb tenses. Just try to follow me anyway. 

Mind you, I'm in need of a real break. Not that whole, "Hey you didn't get to sleep for 2 days so here's a few hours to dream about Sylvester Stallone." Yes I needed that sleep and wet dream, but it's not a break. No, I need a break from all the needy demanding people in my life. This includes my kids, other people's kids, my friends, my husband, my mother, my sister... People seem to think I'm a robot with magical batteries that never needs recharged and a magical wand who bibbity bobbity boops solutions to everyone's problems, wants, and frivolous whims. I have spoiled all those around me, and I'm paying the price.

Instead of doing my viciously desperate, well-earned ME TIME, I did a family thing. I'm going to have to wait until some fairy godmother decides to finally grace me with her presence for the metime shit. For many reasons, it also had to be a mini-vacation.

I didn't tell anyone my thoughts outside of hinting to the husband (and neighbor) that I want to try to hit Pittsburgh on his days off. I'm a spontaneous person. I want to get in the car and just go. I can't do that anymore with kids. So I was googling the options of what to do without actually planning or setting anything into stone. There's a reason for that. Unforeseen Circumstances. Mine are more random than Insane in the Mom-Brain and contributes to the chaos. The more planned an event is, the more chaotic it is when life throws me curve balls. This is why I can't be anywhere on time.

Two days before this event, my mom falls at work. Fractured her hip. So I told myself we weren't going. On Saturday, instead of being in Pittsburgh, my mom came home from the hospital, and I made Chicken, Fettuccine Alfredo, and a Spinach and Artichoke dip (all from scratch), doubling the recipe, cooking for my friend and her son who popped by and helped, my husband, my nephew, and my kids with my half, and the other half going to my mother, her husband, and my family who came in town to help my mom. Confession, the dishes from this chaos are still in my sink, growing a civilization. It's scheduled to get washed after I post this part of the blog series. To clue you into the chaos, I used every pot and large bowl I own.

In that, I also did 3 loads of laundry, went to the grocery store 3 times, and picked up my nephew. I had him for almost a week, and his mom came and got him on Friday. He wanted to immediately come back to me because he didn't have WiFi there. She steals it from her neighbor and best friend for 20 years. So I contacted that person, found out the problem, bought her an upgraded Net Gear and brought it to her just so my nephew could have WiFi and stay home, all on Friday, and still, he had issues staying with his mom. In her defense, she is trying. She just has no concept of responsibility, and I helped my parents raise her that way. But this is her growing up period. Better late than never.

I also found out with this dinner I made people that my sister's inlaws take my sister's kids on vacation. They took them to Cedar Point earlier this summer. This weekend, they will be taking them to Virginia Beach. Last year, they went places with them too. They don't take my one nephew. He's excluded because of his autism and the fact that he isn't related to them by blood like his siblings. He was my sister's kid she already had entering her relationship with her soon to be ex. This is why she steals WiFi from her friend. She just left her husband. Divorce is pending. That is never cheap.

So of course, my heart goes out to my nephew. Fuck. We have to go to Pittsburgh. He has to come with us.

First obstacle. The husband. This whole summer, I had someone else's kid here. He's sick of it. I am the pied piper of children, and it drives him insane. People send me their kids when they can't handle them. When they need someone to straighten out their kids. YET, these same people want to tell me how to parent or mock my parenting. I'm too nice. I don't discipline enough. I know. Stupid people are stupid. Anyway, Saturday night, I tell my husband about this. He surprised me. He was on the same page. Whatever it takes to bring my nephew, we're bringing him. Too easy.

Second obstacle. The car. My husband's Mustang fits 4 people. My Escape fits 5. I need something that fits 6 people. We could just take 2 cars, but I don't want to park in the city with two cars with someone trying to follow me and keep up, and if they don't, they are lost forever. But now it's Sunday. No rental car place is open in town. I had to go an hour south out of my way to an airport to get a rental car. And I did.

I called, reserved the car, and as I was leaving to drive down to get it, I remembered, the kids lost my ID. They played in my wallet sometime in May and I haven't seen my driver's license since. My oldest swore she put it back in my wallet, and my husband searched my whole wallet 5 times for it and nothing, so I thought my oldest was smoking her cereal with that. Now, I have to take my husband and kids to go pick this thing up. I did. We get in the car, start driving south, and I think to look in my wallet just to see if my kid isn't smoking cereal. I find my ID. In my wallet. Like my child said.

Third obstacle. The hotel. Most hotels will allow maximum occupancy of 4. Sometimes I sneak in number 5 just because she's three. But 6, not happening. I could get two adjoining rooms, or a suite that fits more. Well a lot of places today have regular hotel rooms and then a room they made just a teensy bit bigger and call that a suite. Assholes. That's not a suite. It's the hotel room people getting a hotel room SHOULD be getting. A suite is supposed to have more than one bedroom, a living room, and a mini bar. So after picking up the rental car, I sat on Google for an hour looking at hotels before I finally got smart and went to hotels.com just so I could enter adults and children.

Remind you, my nephew is 13, on the autism spectrum. He's going to be picky. The stupidest thing could set off a meltdown or throw his balance off to fully enjoy himself, at least until he grows up a bit and gains some coping skills. So this was a smart move on my part because I could let him see pictures of the hotel rooms and have a say in where we stay. I do think it's important for kids his age to start making decisions anyway. To have a say. To live with the consequences of their choices and watch others experience those consequences with them. To hear your input in your decision making process.

He really liked the main ones the hotel website search results gave us. They ranged in price greatly too, but I know he likes a little privacy, his own space, and I don't like those bigger rooms claiming to be a suite because we would still be on top of each other. Only one place had an actual suite for less than 450 dollars a night. My nephew only wanted to make sure he would have a television near the sofa so that he could hook up his xbox. I know. I agree. But you pick and choose your battles wisely with kids.

So I called and reserved a room at the Residence Inn. Then I jumped back on Google and printed maps, destination information, etc. The husband and nephew played video games while I did all this.

So then after all that, I packed. It was already way later than I wanted to leave in more ways than one. It was evening already. Dinner time. We haven't left yet. And I just realized at that point, I hadn't had coffee yet. I did all this BEFORE I was coherent. There were times I thought, "Fuck it, we can't do this. I needed to plan this shit days ago." Then I reminded myself, "Stop, embrace the chaos."

Part II is The Mayhem.

The Village Idiots

It takes a village to raise a child, so they say. I still have yet to see this "Village." If any of you know where the fuck it is, let me know. I bet it's in El Dorado. I definitely have very little help with the kids. While I can't seem to find this village, I know it has to exist because I always seem to run across a village idiot. That guy or girl who has to tell you how to raise your kid, with fucked up advice, in a judgy, you suck, you shouldn't breed sort of way. You know, Stranger Danger.

It happens to all the parents out there, especially the parents of a kid with special needs. Why? Bullies always target the special needs. They act all holier than thou but they are bullies who fuck with special needs people. They deserve your spit for that shit. Yes I'm telling you to spit in someone's face.

But really what it is, people are like wolves. They prey on the weak and injured. They prey on children and parents who are busy taking care of their children. If they can, they will prey in packs. But not all of us parents are weak. Some of us, you don't want none of it. Some of us are tigers and we strike back. We strike hard. We leave a mark.

Prime example. From the Grunts 11B Facebook page...

Ok. I prefer life when people actually mind their own gotdammed business. If it doesn't concern you in anyway conceivable then shut the fuck up and move out. I just returned from the dentist where my 4 yr old special needs son had some work done. My boy loves his daddy and on occasion likes to pop out and scream boo to scare me to get a laugh. As I'm sitting in the waiting room playing angry birds to pass the time while my wife is in the back with my boy, my son pops out and gives a grinning roar to scare me and starts laughing. All good fun right? Wrong. Some cunt slurping waffle has the audacity to open her dick socket and proceed to tell me to "control my fucking kid." Not wanting to upset my son by going with my first reaction, my wife and I take the kids to the car. I turn around and go back in to get an Appointment Card for the next visit (or so I said). I find this bitch ranting to the others how some folks shouldn't be parents. This of course is unfuckingsat. I proceed to give this twat the what for in a fashion so colorful that dentists walked out of their respective offices to see what was going on. The bitch just sat there like a coward not saying a word until I was finished with her chin still on the floor. After the debacle I turned to the receptionist and simply asked, "Can you send a reminder in the mail for his next appt?" As i was leaving the waiting room erupted into applause. The moral of the story is?
~Cowboy

I never am so fortunate enough to have someone with me to watch the kid(s) in the car so I can go back in. So I have to tone my response down a bunch of notches, though the one time I let it all out, my kid behaved perfectly for a whole week I scared her that much, and it was funny because I never seen a fat guy run so fast before in my life.

I don't think I've shared this story yet in fear that A, I might be judged. B, it would confirm all of your suspicions of my crazy. C, I might scare you. D. someone might report me to the police. Maybe I have shared it in an earlier post. I do remember typing it up at some point, but I don't know where or why. Anyway... This is definitely a story of what you should NOT do.

I was driving through a Burger King. I had my oldest kid with me, and she was I think 2 at the time. Because I knew we were just driving through without getting out of the car, I let her come with me in just a shirt and diaper, a last second decision made on my way out the door. She was not wearing pants or shoes. I rarely do this, but don't judge people who do because I'm definitely neither the first nor the last parent to do such a thing.

I get to the drive thru window, and they can't take debit card orders in the drive thru because their machine is down, but they can if you go inside. I argued with the person working there.

"Can't you just swipe my debit card in the machine you would use to swipe it if I were inside?"

No.

"I don't understand. You have access to a working debit card machine that you are choosing not to use?"

We just can't take your debit card through the drive thru.

"But you can inside?"

Yes.

"Then why can't YOU use the machine I'd use inside? I have a toddler with me. She's not wearing shoes. Trust me, it would be a thousand times easier if you walked to the debit card device and swipe it for me than to make me come inside and do it myself."

I'm sorry. You'll have to come inside.

So fuck all. I went inside. With my kid. Because she wasn't wearing shoes, I had to carry her. The entire time. Easier said than done.

I place my order. They hand me cups to get the drinks myself. I carry my kid over to the drink area, and the little metal rods you place your cup on to get your drink from the machine were so far apart, there was no placing the cup down and it staying there. It takes two hands to then get a drink because one needs to hold the cup, and the other push the button. I needed a third hand or a place to stick my kid. I had no place to stick the kid. The area for the tray in front of the soda fountain machine was disgusting. It was covered in 50 different shades of sugary sticky goop with condiments (like someone had fun with ketchup). So I propped my knee up to the edge of the tray area, let my kid straddle across my thigh like a horse, and I poured two sodas like a boss.

Mind you I'm double jointed... Well at one point during the whole thing, my knee started slipping, and my kid started slipping more toward the knee. I needed her back closer to my hip. So I for whatever reason, with whatever I was doing, like my hands were doing one thing and I had to act fast or the kid might fall, I did some sort of thing where you know how you have a kid on your hip sliding south and you nudge the kid up in a way where she kind of flies up, like you throw the kid back in place almost... Something like that, I stuck my foot up on the EDGE of the tray area to incline my leg so she'd go sliding back toward my hip, all for a split second like just the nudge I needed to get her back in place, and put my knee back. I'm not even sure my foot touched the edge. Like all I did was throw my knee upward really fast for a second wiggling my ass to scootch a kid back in place.

I finished getting the drinks. This guy walks up next to me and starts rambling on about something. I wasn't paying attention too much because I don't know. I WAS BUSY. Fuckturd. Anyway, I was just like, "uh huh. Yeah. Thank you." Walked away to the straw area. He followed me and kept talking, all calm. I was like, "Uh huh. Cool." And I walked back to the area where you wait for your food. He followed me. Kept talking.

Finally I started to pay attention, and he was pissed that my foot might of touched the edge of the tray holder thing for an entire second, that I was smearing my germs all over the place his food would touch. I was like really?

At first, because he was calm, I was calm. It went something like...

"Dude, I have a kid on my hip who I can't put down. I needed two hands to get those drinks. I'm amazed I did it with absolutely no help from you I should add. And it's not like that tray area isn't already disgusting number one or there'd be a poopy peed filled diaper ass on it for minutes as opposed to the sole of my shoe for a split second, if it even touched it. Second, your food is coming wrapped in paper and put on a plastic tray. If you are dumb enough to unwrap your food and smear it across that disgusting tray holder, you get whatever is coming to you in the realm of germs."

Then somehow it escalated where he was screaming, I was screaming, he told me I shouldn't have kids, I shouldn't breed, I'm a bad person, I'm the antichrist...

To top it off he looked like Michael Moore. An obese version of Michael Moore.

I did tell him he looked more gross than all the germs on the bottom of my shoe.

Anyway, as we were screaming at each other, me getting all ghetto overusing the fuck word, with my kid on my hip the entire time, the staff at Burger King just stood there with their mouths hanging open. Finally I looked at them and said, "I told you. I told you it would be a million times easier for you to swipe my damned debit card your damned motherfucking self than forcing me to come in this fucked up joint and dealing with assholes like this fuckhole over here. I hope you're fucking satisfied. I hope this made your job so much more motherfucking easy on you. You lazy asswipes."

So then I stormed out with 2 sodas, 2 bags, and my kid all in my arms, and I get to the car (well small SUV, Ford Escape). I put the bags on the hood of my car. I laid the sodas on the hood of my car and spilled them all over myself and my kid. I get the kid in the car seat. Michael Moore look alike comes out, sees me struggling with soda all over the place, and laughs. LAUGHS. So I launched both sodas at the Burger King, smacking what's left of the soda all over the window of the building. I get in the car. And fat ass is now in the parking lot. Walking. Laughing. So I popped the bitch in reverse, gassed it up good, aiming for him. I really was aiming for him. I never seen a fat man run so fast before in my life. Then I drove off, laughing. Pointing and laughing. He was breathing heavily and possibly might have had a heart attack, one I was totally prepared on blaming Burger King's food on.

So basically, I probably tried to hit Michael Moore with my car once. I've also been known to hit people with my grocery cart, drop cans of green beans on their feet, and things like that. I stopped with the aggression route just because I'm tired, I'm not as insulted anymore, and I definitely do not want assault charges placed upon me. I now scream random things. Like now, I'd tell Michael Moore in the soda section, really loud for the whole restaurant to hear me, "Please don't talk about your herpes in front of my child. They have a cream to help with the burning if it's bothering you that much."

Now that is definitely an old blog post... 

Playing the Autism Card

I've seen many versions of these on the internets. Some parents actually hand these out to people. For those who don't realize, a common theme in the lives of parents of children on the autism spectrum is to take our kids in public, I know, gasp, and receive a very inviting welcome from the strangers of the world. By inviting welcome, I mean a bunch of dirty looks, criticism on our parenting skills, criticism of our children, and basic asshattery.

You can read one of my previous posts about that: Dear Dr. Phil Wannabes of Walmart. 

I don't think people who intervene in that manner are ignorant of autism. I think they are mean people. They are just assholes. Think about it. Your kid is freaking out. You are almost in tears, kneeling down trying to tame your child while watching and handling the other kids. You obviously have things to do that is being interrupted with all this. Everyone is upset. Who the fuck approaches people in that kind of emotionally charged situation to insult people? That's not a dumbass. That's a total asshole. That's a bully. They targeted you because you are having a weak moment.

And when they intervene with their ridiculous opinions, they really make the situation harder on the parent and the kid. It's very common with autism or kids in general for kids to run off and/or do really stupid shit when they are upset or overly hyper. So when you distract the parent from the child in that kind of situation, it better be fucking important because you are risking that child's safety when you do. 

That type of threat deserves very little mercy. I used to just hit them with the grocery cart, or drop something on their foot, but since assault isn't something I really want on my permanent record, I now have resorted to shenanigans and debauchery.

I'd rather just scream at them really loudly something random for everyone to hear and be like "What the fuck did they just say to you?" Here's a list of some things I got for now, for the assholes... Use them wisely because you never know when karma is going to strike back, or how it will....

For those who don't know the experience... You are at Walmart. Your kid asks for something that's 50 bucks. You say no. They stomp. Beg. Argue. You hold your ground. You are ready to walk to the next aisle, and they refuse to go. So you start trying to drag them to the best of your ability since you have 2 other kids in the cart, and they flip the fuck out on you. Throwing a huge fit for that 50 dollar Made in China plastic toy. They are so pissed off by now that if you offered to give them the toy, which you would never do, they wouldn't take it. It's a big FUCK YOU and everyone who looks like you meltdown. You're not sure what to do because for you to handle the one kid, you'd have to abandon the other 2. So you spank your kid, "Cmon, we're leaving." And the kid wails louder and throws herself on the ground. So you are starting to concoct a plan of sticking that kid in the cart and making the other two walk. Meanwhile, some asshat who witnessed a portion of your event tells you it's child abuse to spank your kid, or "control your kids," or "I can't believe you just said that to your kid," or "just pick the kid up and leave," as if their fat ass could handle carrying a kicking and screaming kid pushing a cart with a fucked up wheel with 2 kids in it.... Some of them will go so far to call CPS on you, or Walmart will make you wait in the store for CPS to arrive because sitting in an office with 3 kids while one is still melting down is obviously a solution. So this is how I respond to the asshat.

NOTE: I do not really condone spanking an autistic kid mid meltdown. It was just an example. If you didn't spank, the asshat would tell you to spank your kid. It doesn't matter what you do. They will tell you to do the opposite of what you did or you suck. 

What? No I do NOT wish to buy a video of you fondling a goat!

I'm sorry, I don't know where they keep the hemorrhoid cream or the KY Jelly.

Tylenol will not cure your Clap. 

The Diet Pills I think are over there in aisle 14. You better hurry.

You know they have mouthwash here, as well as breath mints. You might want to add that to your list.

Excuse you? I happen to like what the person over there is wearing.

You cheated on your spouse with who?

Three Hundred Dollars for Sex?

Did you just call that guy a n-word? He just called you the n-word. Seriously. I just heard him say it. 

The people who work here are neither overpaid nor lazy, and they definitely do not deserve to go to hell. 

You want to do what with a cucumber? 

I don't have any dimes or bags!

And my favorite for while the kid is melting down...

What did you just say to my kid to make him cry like that?



~~THESE ARE MY STORIES AND I'M STICKING TO THEM~~

Autism and Grief

So I'm wordy. I was going to answer in the comments, but it's too long for a comment I think. So I'm putting it here and linking to it. Ha.

Question:

Anonymous wrote:

My son, who is 10, was diagnosed a few months ago with PDD on the higher end of the spectrum, and ADHD. We tried concerta, which made his emotions off the wall! That is where my problem lies. In early 2012 his father passed away over in Afghanistan. So his emotions are already off the chart, just very hard to deal with sometimes. Between my husband and I, we were always able to manage his ticks and other behaviors. Without my husband, I feel as though my son is getting worse. He has numerous ticks, he's very hateful, his attitude is extremely bad, and just so much more. I guess my question is, is this behavior change I'm seeing in him part of him having PDD, or would you think it's more from him losing his father? He did pretty well in the first year of his dad's passing, then just after a year, is when I really started to see a change in my son. I'm also having trouble finding a behavioral pediatrician that accepts our insurance. So, he's not been seen by a Dr since the diagnosis. If you have any suggestions, it would be appreciated, I'm at a loss on what to do.


Answer:

Many variables here... Sorry it's long. When the moods hit, my suggestion is to try to get him into one of his special interests.

GRIEF I'm sure is a variable, and it takes years to get over something like that. Talking is good for grief, so always promote letting him talk about his dad and reliving some memories, but on his terms. When it comes to the subject of death, faith is a great comfort. Whatever your beliefs, try to lean on that in the most logical way possible. Dealing with grief is a real spiritual journey for anyone, and younger children are not really abstract thinkers until they hit high school. Anytime you see an opportunity (or get creative) to help overcome the cognitive obstacle (his age) to help him find some sort of enlightenment on the subject of death, go for it.

When I lost my dad, I did a lot of soul searching, which involved reading about a lot of religions and beliefs. The Jewish religion, I learned, is the source of the 7 years bad luck with a broken mirror. The old school people believed that the mirror was a reflection of your soul, and to look into a broken mirror reflected a broken soul, and they believed it took 7 years for the soul to heal. I fully believe that it does take 7 years for the soul to heal (average), and losing a loved one like a father or husband takes about 7 years. Like in the movie Uncommon Valor, you don't really accept it, but you learn to make peace with it.

Now in the 7 years that followed my father's death, I was crazy. A different crazy than the one that ails me now. It was more of, "I crashed my car into the bridge and I don't care. I love it." kind of crazy as opposed to now, which is more of a, "This bridge is creeping me out what if I crashed into it with the kids in the car? I can't handle this thought. Wait a minute. Why am I on this bridge? I was supposed to turn left 3 miles ago. Where was I going again?" Anyway, I'm just saying grief changes a person. It's a long process. It will make you crazy for a little bit. This is about you too, not just your kid.
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On PUBERTY, the fact that his rather isn't around is going to make it harder. Boys really need a man at this point in their lives to help them navigate their manliness. If you can find a friend of his father's to act as a godfather/big brother, that would help him out a lot.
__________________________________
With autism (PDD), SOCIALLY, it is usually worse 7th and 8th grade because of all the other kids and their puberty. It's a rough couple years for anyone, and autism heightens everything. Add grief to the equation... yeah. There will probably be at least one a-hole kid who will say, "At least I have a dad." My nephew has been told that among other things at least 10 times by several kids in the last month (he's in 7th grade). These kids make the lowest blows they can, and they have no idea the impact it has on others.

Remember back when he was learning to talk? His behavior probably improved as his language did. Like a lot of the bad meltdowns from that age spawned from the communication frustration. You didn't know what he wanted. He couldn't tell you. I know that was a pretty arrogant assumption to make, and I'm aware I could be way off base. Regardless, for many on the spectrum, that repeats for social skills. Middle school years are the years when kids becomes mean and bipolarish and start to figure out their identities in the social world. It's a game those on the spectrum, even the most social of them, do not naturally play, but once they realize all the kids are doing it, they try to jump in, usually looking for at least one or two best friends. Their behavior gets worse through the learning process. Kids making fun of you and back stabbing friends or the loss of loyalty and trust in a friendship, those replace the grunting for a blankie or popsicle. It's a new anxiety and frustration. Those feelings are heightened in autism.

SO, the sooner you can help him build social skills to maneuver through this rough world he's about to hit, the better off he will be. You may try to find some online or make some up on your own, but create social settings like a word problem in math and ask how he would handle it, giving him pointers and your expectations. Give him some hard ones, when kids are mean. When they call him the R-word. Let him know what to expect. Don't let those kids have the upper hand with the element of surprise. You may also look into different occupational type therapies. I talk to my nephew a lot about military bearing. Middle school is rougher than BMT.

If he's in the autism program... This is a tough one. Usually, there's an autism room or special ed room. The kids will make fun of that, and that will fuel behavior issues on his part. But if the teacher and program are really good, and he's not annoyed by special ed kids, they are a great escape from the other kids. But you want to keep the IEP because it gives you more control over the school. You probably want to start thinking about the stuff you want to add to it, to give you more options and control when things get ugly.

You also want to find working coping mechanisms. Things that calm him down. You will need to be able to quickly identify those things and turn to them, but don't make it obvious. You want to find things that work in the school too. Like head phones are great for my nephew. He can't have them in school, and his second biggest problem in school (number one being social) is the noise factor when he's trying to work.
_______________________________
Sorry so long. Like I said, a lot of variables, and this is too important to half a-word. I'm not a shrink either. I did experience losing a lot of close family members one year and I have a lot of first hand experiences in PDD/Aspergers, so grief and autism have become special interests.

Be cautious with the meds. Once you go down that road, it's hard to get off of it. My nephew's mom was pretty determined about going down that road in search of the magic pill to cure his autism. It made things much worse. Topamax did quite a bit of damage, especially once they added Intuniv to his cocktail. He went from Asperger's to Bipolar Pscyho with some Aspieness pretty fast and didn't improve again until we weaned him off the Topamax. He would have been better off not starting any mind meds.

Now that I'm blogging the answer, I want to add, if Concerta didn't help, it's possible he doesn't have ADHD. Hyperactivity is sometimes common with autism, and it's different than ADHD. Some shrinks haven't gotten that memo yet. Maybe they will with the new DSM.

My Child is NOT a Horse in a Race

"Doctors told his parents he'd maybe end up institutionalized." 

"Teachers said he wouldn't amount to much."

"Doctors predicted she wouldn't develop intellectually beyond the abilities of a small child."

"Earmarked to be institutionalized." 

My question is, what is the on-going statistic for fucking up your life in general? Like what? I got a feeling it's something like, "1 in every 15 people will make it in this life." Like 14 out of 15 people (not a real statistic), randomly chosen, will fuck up their life someway, somehow, without a diagnosis doing it for them.  

I don't understand why it's only predicted for the "disabled." Clues like, "at-risk youth" labels, parents suffering from addiction (no, not coffee, things like crack and alcohol), single parents, low income, all the indicators they have shown in empirical evidence (no matter how rude they are) that all the doctors and teachers are pretty much forced into reading regularly seem to go unpredictable. I'm willing to bet, again I'm being arrogant with assumptions here, that the reason for that is nobody wants to predict the bastard child of a crackwhore to be institutionalized (jail is an institution) because that would A, make doctors appear to be assholes like it's okay as long as the person is too "stupid" to realize the label you are giving them, and B, when you label a kid as someone who isn't going to amount to much, it takes an Einstein to rise above that kind of label. Most kids succomb to whatever label you give them.

For the record, I would love to see a doctor say, "Little Jimmy is doing well, but I do have some concerns. I am not diagnosing anyone just yet, but I think you may want to consider taking Jimmy to a psychologist because it looks like he suffers from parental's UCS addiction, which can be pretty serious. Many kids with that end up institutionalized before the age of 30." UCS being code for Uncontrolled Substance. Seriously, a crackhead would think, "Oh my, there's something wrong with Jimmy," and actually take him. 

The fact of the matter is all people have a pretty good chance of growing up to be institutionalized or "stupid." In reality, in this day and age, a developmental challenge that would have placed you in an institution back in 1950 now blends in with mainstream intelligence. Everybody is learning disabled anymore. The playing field is more even now than ever. Even your highly gifted have disabilities somewhere along the spectrum, usually socially like autism. 

With that said, if you are a parent of a kid with autism, don't let the "experts" tell you what your kid is going to be like years down the road. Your kid is different just like every kid out there. Your kid is special just like every kid out there. Your kid needs tailored fit parenting more so than most kids, but that doesn't mean if your child isn't peeing in the potty by Kindergarten that your dreams of him graduating college and becoming a doctor are flushing down the toilet instead. 

I'm not trying to say that raising a kid with autism is just like raising any kid because it's not. It's helluva more stressful on the parent. I recently was talking with a mom at a house we were looking at, in the middle of the woods (literally, you almost need 4 wheel drive to live at this house) and she was like, "yeah, I love this property because I can let the kids play outside without much supervision." My eyes turned green with envy. That property was just as dangerous in my world to my kids as a place in the middle of the city. Even worse because there's no witnesses to spot or find my child when she wanders off chasing butterflies. 

I'm also not on a high horse with this. I sometimes stare at my child or my nephew and think to myself, "Lawdy, if these kids make it to 25 without a prison sentence, high fives to everyone. Shit." Yes, some of their behaviors are very scary, and the poker face shit doesn't help. My kid just stole a toy bunny from another kid. I still have yet to assess if she feels any guilt whatsoever for it or if she's a misdiagnosed sociopath. You can't tell what a kid with autism is feeling, and that is scary sometimes, especially when they start breaking shit mid-meltdown. 

What I am saying, though, nobody can decide someone's fate but the person themselves. Yes we can help them make good decisions, and we can attempt to brainwash them with a conscience, some character, and some certain behaviors like training a dog to fetch (don't knock it, that's what parents do, except we train them to pee in the potty instead of on the flagpole, and even then we fail at that sometimes). But, in the end, your child's fate is in your child's hands. And I say this, even though I don't totally believe it or want to because I'm a control freak. 

Look at Carly. She was nonverbal for I don't know how many years. The person who showed her to communicate via computer keyboard did so in a very Anne Sullivanishy way. But in the end, it was Carly's choice to learn how to communicate, her way, her rules, and on her terms. As parents, we provide resources, support, and guidance.We set up the environment. We are dealing the cards.Your kid, just like any other kid out there, has the same choice to make. Do I use the things my parents are bending over backwards to give me to help me? Or not?

What I'm saying is, fuck the predictions. When the underdog wins a fight, that's more money for the people who betted on them. "The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all." When it comes to your kid with autism, the rest is still unwritten. 

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It's not easy being cheesy. I tell you. I had to. If I am going to quote her, I might as well post the video. I like this version better than the US one. I just love (verbal irony) how people overseas assume we are stupid people here who don't get the deep stuff and require to be entertained with boobs, bright colors, and conflict (drama). I really just love (more verbal irony, drown in my irony, drown in it) how they are pretty much right with that. I may be American, but I got some German heritage going for me at least (now that's sarcasm). 

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and if you missed the link on her name, check out Carly's website and book!

http://www.carlysvoice.com/

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BREAKING NEWS!!!

The Queen of Cussin is a walkin. She's raising money for Little Friends. If you read this while she's a fundraisin, CLICK HERE TO DONATE. Even 10 bucks will go a long way. And share. Boast your donation on your Facebook. This is a good organization. We need more like it, or for this one to go national. And after you donate, the page provides all the crap you need to claim it on your taxes. How cool is that? 

If you are reading this AFTER this event is over, please check out Little Friends. They have an online store with resources for raising a kid on the spectrum. Good stuff.

Little Friends Blurp
Little Friends is a private, non-profit organization serving children and adults with autism and other developmental disabilities. Based in Naperville, Illinois, Little Friends operates 11 dynamic programs including three alternative schools, family support and consultation services, vocational training programs, community-based residential services and the Little Friends Center for Autism. 

Everybody wants me to spank or starve my picky eater... Bastards.

Someone asked me a question on my Facebook page that I thought would make a good "question and answer advice-column-like" post for everyone to read because I'm sure advice columnists get this question a lot, even though most advice columnists focus on LOVE. This is kind of LOVE advice. This is more love than a man can give. It too spawned from a sexual relationship like marriage... Mother and child. That's true love. All relationship advice columnists should write about parenting for that reason. Of course it's not as easy. Why? Because, "He's treating you like shit. That's abuse. Just leave the bastard." works out well for advice about your husband, but not so much for advice about your son.

The Question. Dearest Dribbles and Grits Crazy Bitch who Licks the Walls: (she didn't say that part. I did. It's true. Well I don't lick the walls. The 3 year old does sometimes).

I saw your post about the child that is a picky eater, and I was wondering, how do you deal with them? My son who is 7 is a very picky eater as in there are only certain things he will eat, and if he says he doesn't like what you give him, you can hang up him eating it. He is very particular about how food smells and what it looks like, so if he thinks it bad, he won't touch it. I have had people ( mostly family) tell me to spank him or send him to bed without eating and that when he gets hungry enough he will eat what I give him, but I can't bring myself to do that to him. I really need help...thank you

Discretionary Statement: Take my advice as it's relevant. If it's not relevant to your situation, don't follow it. You are not obligated to follow one bit of my advice.

Well, when I wrote the post in the question about my picky eaters, I had my nephew with me, and my 6 year old daughter is starting to develop her pickiness, and both are on the autism spectrum. Because they have heightened senses, they pick up textures, smells and tastes most people don't, so their dislike for anything is a much stronger dislike.  For instance, someone who doesn't really like the sight of seafood can usually get pass it to try it. Someone on the spectrum might actually vomit if they force themselves just like anyone would vomit trying to force themselves to eat dog poop or something. Some of it goes away with age just like every kid's fear to try new foods go away with age. Some of it doesn't, especially with autism.

There's more to the autism deal (like the brain getting stuck on an idea for dinner), but I don't know if that's relevant at all with your child. People often tell parents of kids on the spectrum to spank, give em a good whoopin that will solve it... BS. It doesn't work on autism. Honestly, most people who tell me that have assholes for kids so it obviously didn't work on their kids either. I personally would rather have a picky eater than some of the behaviors I see other kids possess. Denial is Bliss. So are Delusions of Grandeur.

My mother is the one raising my nephew right now. She does what I do... She just cooks based on what he wants to eat. If there's a larger audience eating her cooking, she makes a variety of things for dinner, like meat and 2 or 3 sides, so he can pick and choose what he wants and the other people eating her dinner can do the same (such as her husband who is like most husbands, another child). I have 3 kids, and they will argue about what to have for dinner, and sometimes I make 3 different things for them when it's stuff like hotdogs and frozen pizza and canned soup. When it comes to actually making food that takes some effort on my part, I keep back-ups of canned soups for the kid who doesn't want my dinner. Someday, I plan to stash a plate of leftovers and label it in the freezer for this (wax pencil is awesome for that kind of labeling if you can keep it away from children)

With my children, so far it's not that they don't like what I made for dinner (in most cases) as much as they are not in the mood for it. So yeah, they are spoiled to an extent, but I do the same thing. I don't eat something unless it's what I want to eat at that moment. The "do as I say and not as I do" rarely works on children on a long term scale unless they hate you enough to be the opposite of you. Last night, I made spaghetti for the kids and cheese fries for myself. My PMS needed Ranch Dressing if I had to drink it straight from the bottle.

The other thing my mother and I both do is the reward. Sometimes dessert is a reward. Eat 5 bites and you can have cake, or after dinner we can buy that movie off of the Xbox or go outside to play for a little bit (night time outside fun is fun, especially once the lightning bugs are out). This is a great concept for "Just try it, just one bite" and the reason...

They say with babies, you have to introduce a food so many times before a baby will eat it (I think 7 is supposed to be the magic number, but I think it depends on the person). I think kids and grown ups are grown up babies. We still operate with a lot of similarities as babies. Many of us sleep better with white noise like a fan blowing, just like babies. And with that said, sometimes we just have to be introduced to a food so many times before we will like it.

I also think it really helps to try different recipes with a food. If you can find one recipe your child likes with that food, he can build a tolerance. Much like wine. I started off with spritzers before I could fully enjoy a glass of wine. Example, for many years of my life, I refused salads. Then I had Olive Garden's Salad with the house dressing and the cheese. For many years, that was the only salad I would eat. Now I love salad, and it doesn't matter where it's from though I do often now crave Outback salad with that Mustard Vinaigrette dressing. Mmmm. My husband was the same way with spinach. He refused to try anything that had spinach in it, even in his 20's. I probably introduced spinach 5 or 6 times in a side dish before I finally got him to like it in a Spinach dip. Now he'll eat more recipes with spinach in it, and is willing to at least try plain spinach to see if he likes it (as everyone prepares that a little different).

Now when the pickiness is about an ingredient, you can find a substitute. Years ago, I hung out with an older woman because she was my boss and we were instant friends. Her youngest son was a couple years younger than me. He, even as an adult, hated onions. He refuses to eat anything with onion in it, even if you shaved an onion, he'd know and not eat it. We cooked with a lot of onion salt instead.

With children who have sensitive taste buds, like a lot of the children on the spectrum, including kids who are spectrumish, it helps to reduce the seasonings. My friend's kid, the one she spanks into submission and is the perfect kid and listens to her parents, she is a very picky eater. She refuses most carbs, and she doesn't like much seasoning. My friend is a horrible cook because of it, because she just makes it as plain as possible. Her daughter loves her cooking though, just because it's plain. I'm sure it tastes very different to her daughter than someone like me who killed my tastebuds with years and years of Diet Coke, cigarettes, coffee, hot sauce and booze. I mean, children have virgin tastebuds. Things that you find incredibly delicious might be more like dumping salt in your mouth to a kid.

Then of course, there is the lying/hiding with some ingredients. My other friend's kid who I consider a nephew hates "WHITE SAUCE". Again, this is another child who was spanked into perfection, and his mother told me many times how I need to beat my kids' ass... If I have mayo in something, I don't mention it. He actually loves a lot of white sauces, but he thinks he hates it. He'll watch me cook too, so I have to be super ninja with things like Mayo and Sour Cream.

Some of the food pickiness can be psychological beyond autism-like sensory issues. My daughter on the spectrum hates rice mainly because my mother-in-law came over for a week, cooks a lot of rice, and was a total bitch. My daughter loved rice up until that week. Right after the MIL left, my daughter has refused to eat rice since. Well, there's a recipe my grandmother had called Mardi Gras (my cousin calls it Tuna Mess). My daughter loves that recipe, and it has a lot of rice in it. So she is slowly getting back into the rice. She will also eat it with her China food because they eat rice in China. She loves Kai-Lan. If Kai-Lan's culture eats rice, she will eat THAT rice...

Be careful of health issues. A lot of times things like diabetes will affect a person's appetite. When in doubt, talk to a doctor and Google a little on the subject.

Nutrition varies depending on the source. The one I'm buying the most is a body builder friend. He's in great health and great shape. He only eats that which he can hunt or gather. Meat, vegetables, fruits, nuts (not balls, not crazy, but like almonds and peanuts). He avoids all starchy fibery things. I think a little fiber is good in your diet. I think diversity is good, but I think the main emphasis of the meals should be more meat and veggies and fruits and nuts than breads and oats and cereals... Again, it depends on the source.

I am, however, a firm believer that the body craves what it needs unless there's a health issue affecting that. We women experience this at pregnancy, and I think it's true for everyone of every age. Kids like sugar more than grown ups because kids are more active than grown ups. A lot of middle aged women crave dairy products, probably to prepare their bones for menopause. When I need protein, I crave peanut butter and meats. The craving is not as obvious as it was when I was pregnant, but it's still there. Whispering what I need. To me, that's real nutrition. And if a kid doesn't really want to eat a food, sometimes it's best not to give it to them. It might be their attempt to get something they think they want instead, but it might also be basic instinct. And how do you know which way it is? Your intuition. Mother's know best. You have an instinct and intuition as mom to know what your kid needs and how to solve your problems. You just have to trust your inner voice.

I personally think positive reinforcement works better than negative reinforcement when it comes to eating, but many people have had success with the whole, "Eat it or starve" mentality. That doesn't mean you will too, but it doesn't mean you won't. Every kid is different. What works on one kid won't necessarily work on the next. Parents of multiple children learn that lesson pretty quick early on.

And if your kid is not eating something (or eating too much), and that is a problem, then you got to find the source. If the source is a disciplinary thing, then discipline will work. But the source can be anything, like autism, food allergies... Maybe you are just a bad cook. Maybe not. It can be anything. I believe focusing on a solution as opposed to the problem is healthy psychologically to the problem solver, but I think there needs to be an emphasis on trying to figure out what the problem REALLY is before totally focusing on solutions, especially if you are looking for long term results and something that might solve more than one problem as something like picky eating is often a symptom to a grander issue.

And all this brings me back to the criticism... When people tell you what to do as a mom, you HAVE GOT to look at their intention. Some people will tell you what to do to belittle you. They don't give a damn about what's best for you or your children. They like seeing you fail. They enjoy it sadistically and maniacally. It strokes their pathetic little egos. So when they tell you, "You need to whoop that kids' ass because you suck..." throw that advice away. It's worth is a lottery ticket. There's a 1 in 385,000 chance their advice might actually be good for you.

Now some people do give advice out of a serious concern for your welfare as well as your children's. They are usually people who give advice like this blog but much shorter. I don't care if you are doing something wrong as mom. Nobody is perfect, so all us moms are doing it wrong. All us moms suck. AND all us moms are awesome somewhere along the way. I am not here to judge, and it does not make me feel better if you fail. I feel bad if you fail at something. I feel good when my advice contributes to your success. That strokes my ego.

And we go back to the mother's intuition. Your intuition as mother trumps all advice. Trust it. If you think someone is wrong, then let them be wrong, but you don't have to be wrong with them. Do YOUR thing.


Here's a link I found to a website that I have no idea if it's actually helpful but I found it searching for some image to stick on this blog... http://foodforkidshealth.com/