Happy Places I Tend to Visit

You know that movie with Adam Sandler where he keeps imagining his happy place to control his anger? Happy Gilmore? Well as a mom, I find myself needing a happy place so that I may maintain a happy face. You really can't talk to your kids in a pissed off panic state of frustration because that will just make them do the same thing back to you, which then makes it a thousand times worse. So here's some places I go for my happy place, a 10 second break into Wonderland. Feel free to steal any one of these fantasies.



1. I imagine myself diving into a huge pool of water. No land. No edge. And I just swim freely, twisting, flipping, opening my arms out and soaking in the water, floating on top, or sliding through it like a dolphin. Basically the things I do at the swimming pool to adjust to the water's temperature.

2. I imagine Jesus on the Cross, and then he rips his right arm breaking that stem of the cross, and then his left arm doing the same, throws the cross pieces to the floor, and he does this like he's Terry Crews ripping through an Old Spice commercial, and then he walks right up to me and picks me up, sweeping me off my feet like a knight in shining armor, and carries me like a Footprints poem.

3. Spongebob and Jim Morrison dancing to F is the fun stuff we do together U is for you and me...

4. I find pleasure in thinking about what it would be like to be a millionaire who orchestrates giving all the kids at school silly string at the same time just so the school will know what a parent goes through for the first 4 hours after school, not that THAT would give them any empathy because they really just don't give a shit about you, which is why it's so much fun to think about.

5. I like to close my eyes, and think back to that exact moment I was giving birth with my first kid, and I was in so much pain I was turning purple, twitching, spitting out the Fuck word every 3 seconds, biting and sucking on the side of the bed rail... and then enter angels singing Handel's Messiah. The anesthesiologist walks in and gives me an epidural. I try to feel the needle in my spine again. And for a whole millisecond, my body tricks my mind into thinking it's numb from the waist down again. Ahhh good times. Sometimes I rub the spot on my back where it was just for luck.

6. I imagine being 6 years old sitting in a boring Sunday service in the sanctuary falling asleep with my head laying on my dad's tummy fat.

7. I know it's cheesier than anything mentioned thus far, as if that's possible, but I like to imagine that I'm dancing, badly, with either my father or Jesus. I'm always staring at my toes as we attempt to actual dance with spins and twirls and stuff. Sometimes when I'm with Jesus, I start to drop it like it's hot, and then he gives me that stern look and shakes his head no, and I stop and apologize, and then he's like, "this is how you do it," and starts dancing like Usher, in the white robe with sandals....

So now that I told you some of my happy places, what are some of yours? 

Comment below if you like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain, or if you aren't into yoga, or if you have half a brain...