Playing the Autism Card

I've seen many versions of these on the internets. Some parents actually hand these out to people. For those who don't realize, a common theme in the lives of parents of children on the autism spectrum is to take our kids in public, I know, gasp, and receive a very inviting welcome from the strangers of the world. By inviting welcome, I mean a bunch of dirty looks, criticism on our parenting skills, criticism of our children, and basic asshattery.

You can read one of my previous posts about that: Dear Dr. Phil Wannabes of Walmart. 

I don't think people who intervene in that manner are ignorant of autism. I think they are mean people. They are just assholes. Think about it. Your kid is freaking out. You are almost in tears, kneeling down trying to tame your child while watching and handling the other kids. You obviously have things to do that is being interrupted with all this. Everyone is upset. Who the fuck approaches people in that kind of emotionally charged situation to insult people? That's not a dumbass. That's a total asshole. That's a bully. They targeted you because you are having a weak moment.

And when they intervene with their ridiculous opinions, they really make the situation harder on the parent and the kid. It's very common with autism or kids in general for kids to run off and/or do really stupid shit when they are upset or overly hyper. So when you distract the parent from the child in that kind of situation, it better be fucking important because you are risking that child's safety when you do. 

That type of threat deserves very little mercy. I used to just hit them with the grocery cart, or drop something on their foot, but since assault isn't something I really want on my permanent record, I now have resorted to shenanigans and debauchery.

I'd rather just scream at them really loudly something random for everyone to hear and be like "What the fuck did they just say to you?" Here's a list of some things I got for now, for the assholes... Use them wisely because you never know when karma is going to strike back, or how it will....

For those who don't know the experience... You are at Walmart. Your kid asks for something that's 50 bucks. You say no. They stomp. Beg. Argue. You hold your ground. You are ready to walk to the next aisle, and they refuse to go. So you start trying to drag them to the best of your ability since you have 2 other kids in the cart, and they flip the fuck out on you. Throwing a huge fit for that 50 dollar Made in China plastic toy. They are so pissed off by now that if you offered to give them the toy, which you would never do, they wouldn't take it. It's a big FUCK YOU and everyone who looks like you meltdown. You're not sure what to do because for you to handle the one kid, you'd have to abandon the other 2. So you spank your kid, "Cmon, we're leaving." And the kid wails louder and throws herself on the ground. So you are starting to concoct a plan of sticking that kid in the cart and making the other two walk. Meanwhile, some asshat who witnessed a portion of your event tells you it's child abuse to spank your kid, or "control your kids," or "I can't believe you just said that to your kid," or "just pick the kid up and leave," as if their fat ass could handle carrying a kicking and screaming kid pushing a cart with a fucked up wheel with 2 kids in it.... Some of them will go so far to call CPS on you, or Walmart will make you wait in the store for CPS to arrive because sitting in an office with 3 kids while one is still melting down is obviously a solution. So this is how I respond to the asshat.

NOTE: I do not really condone spanking an autistic kid mid meltdown. It was just an example. If you didn't spank, the asshat would tell you to spank your kid. It doesn't matter what you do. They will tell you to do the opposite of what you did or you suck. 

What? No I do NOT wish to buy a video of you fondling a goat!

I'm sorry, I don't know where they keep the hemorrhoid cream or the KY Jelly.

Tylenol will not cure your Clap. 

The Diet Pills I think are over there in aisle 14. You better hurry.

You know they have mouthwash here, as well as breath mints. You might want to add that to your list.

Excuse you? I happen to like what the person over there is wearing.

You cheated on your spouse with who?

Three Hundred Dollars for Sex?

Did you just call that guy a n-word? He just called you the n-word. Seriously. I just heard him say it. 

The people who work here are neither overpaid nor lazy, and they definitely do not deserve to go to hell. 

You want to do what with a cucumber? 

I don't have any dimes or bags!

And my favorite for while the kid is melting down...

What did you just say to my kid to make him cry like that?



~~THESE ARE MY STORIES AND I'M STICKING TO THEM~~

Dear Dr. Phil wannabe's of Walmart

Little rant... Happy Ending

When I'm at the grocery store, I shouldn't want to throat punch you while my kid is throwing a fit because you had to come tell me about my parenting skills because NEWSFLASH! All kids throw fits in public, and you did too when you were a little asshole before you grew up to be a big one. If you tell me I should spank because your parents spanked your ass, well NEWSFLASH! It didn't work did it? You are still an asshole. And you are more annoying than a flock of Jehovah Witnesses trying to get me to convert mixed with telemarketers trying to sell me magazine subscriptions and extended car warranties mixed with customer service from companies like Sprint and Xbox mixed with Westboro protesting funerals and cockroaches. Yes, you are more annoying than cockroaches. At least the cockroach gives me the gratification of smashing him with my shoe and killing him with a crunch-sound at least 5 times before it actually dies (and I don't they ever die, like I think they come back to life at the bottom of the garbage can after you throw them out). And no, you don't get the gratification of thinking I have cockroaches in my house. I killed those things in Puerto Rico at my mother in law's house. You are even more annoying than my kids throwing the fit, like I wasn't pissed off until you showed up. I expect a 5 year old to cry when she doesn't get her way, when she has to deal with minor discomforts like self-control. I don't expect tantrums from a grown ass person. Some of y'all actually do jump up and down and turn red with your adult fits, but even if you don't, you are still throwing a fit if you had to stop what you are doing to come give me a piece of your mind. You are behaving no different than a toddler, and if I'm going to spank anyone's ass over it, it will definitely be yours because you SHOULD know better. If you want to get into how people are supposed to behave, start with your damned self. Grow the fuck up.

When I'm in public and my kid goes ape shit, I'm a little busy. I don't have time to talk to you about your grandmother's soup recipe or to listen to you tell me exactly what my kid is doing like you are some sort of god when all you are doing is being a Madden giving me a play by play of the game I'm watching. Yes I'm aware my kid is going ape shit. I would think me kneeling down whispering sweet nothings into her ear about spankings and leaving would clue you in on such a thing. Like you are the daft one if you believe you are giving me wisdom with your, "Umm, excuse me miss, but your kid is throwing a fit, and a public place is no place for that." No shit Sherlock. Nothing gets passed you. Maybe you should join the Marine Corps with those awesome skills of observation, or better yet, you should run for President with your diplomacy skills and social tact. Do you really think I'm going to listen to your advice? Hell no. I don't want my kid growing up to act anything like you. YOU SUCK like a whore. Keep talking and I will make you drop to your knees like the bitch you are and assume the "suck my metaphorical dick" position. No for real, I have a tendency to "accidentally" hit people with my grocery cart or drop a can of green beans on their foot. When you got a kid throwing a fit and a grown up in your face distracting you while you were just trying to get some milk and bread in the first place and you are on a schedule with all this in front of you, it's easy to get clumsy. VERY EASY TO GET CLUMSY.

Now the happy side. One time I took my oldest to get pizza. We went into the Pizza Joint, grabbed the pizza, I put pizza in the car, she refused to get in the car. She kept planking to where I couldn't get her in her car seat. Whoever invented those suck because getting a kid who is totally cooperating with you into a car seat isn't an easy task, like you still break a nail or finger trying, and kids rarely cooperate, so where the fuck do they get this idea of making car seats so "user friendly" for kids who are rebelling against it? It doesn't help this kid is double jointed, so even with a 5 point harness, she can slip out of it, like a cat. Which she did. The ONLY way I was going to legally be able to leave that parking lot with that kid at that point was for her to agree with me, sit down, get buckled and stay seated. Instead, she was screaming bloody murder. Snot was flying from her nose, tears were soaking her clothes... We are talking total autistic meltdown. This angel appeared in the shape of a rich blond woman, one that looked like she would damn you to hell some Sunday morning for wearing those shoes with that dress, and she totally stepped out from any stereotype of her Gap clothes and 50,000 dollar SUV, and she calmly offered my child some health gum (yes they make health gum that has Vitamin C in it) while telling me I'm awesome. She stayed calm with a soothing voice the whole time. She did not judge that I was almost in the fetal position crying for my mommy, or that my car was a fucking trash can disaster that day, or that my clothes looked like color blind football coach picked them out, nor did she advise medication or spankings or not spanking or anything... She did not judge at all. She did not demean. She just helped. When I drove off, with my daughter happily sitting in her car seat buckled safely chewing her gum, I noticed the angel woman getting into her SUV with her what appeared to be tween daughter who sat there patiently for the 20 minutes her mother spent helping. A tween sitting patiently. You rarely see that in this world. NOW that is a person I want my kid to grow up to be like. That woman knows what she is doing.

So before you get all excited about the humor of sticking condoms in a mom's cart, or get the notion to tell that bitch with those kids what to do... how dare them be in your presence with that stuff, just think of this blog. How old are you? Do you want to be the beautiful angel lady? Or do you want to be the asshole, the hairy ugly asshole that shits all over the place? Just know, people will treat you as whichever one you decide to be, and I beg you, please don't make me accidentally run over your foot with my grocery cart. You are just adding to the shit I'm going to have to bring up to a priest some day.