If I were Bewitched, I'd Mess with My Old Neighbors and Take Over the World

This week, I'm part of two blog hops, so I'll be spending all day today and tomorrow reading lots of posts while drinking my dragon fruit generic energy drink. This also means I am combining two subjects into one post.

Your “Secret Subject” is:

Halloween’s right around the corner so in that theme you’ve suddenly become a witch (or warlock, your choice), how did that happen and what will you do?

It was submitted by: http://Bakinginatornado.com         

Finish the Sentence Friday Prompt:

When it comes to my neighbors...

You got to be careful with people, especially those who get a closer look at your life. When it comes to my neighbors, I am usually an idiot.

The sad news is, if someone is going to fook you over, it's going to be someone close to you. A friend, coworker or a neighbor. It's usually someone you never provoked, and someone who has no legitimate reason to hate you.  I run into these people all the time, online and offline as I have neighbors in both worlds. 

If I don't like someone, I still like them. I don't like something they did, but I can still like them for the good things they do. My issue is I don't really hate people. I hate evil, and people do evil things all the time, but I refuse to believe when someone is swallowed by the darkness that they become that. 

Hard Core Gangsta Right Here... and shit.

And that gets me in trouble because I always give people the benefit of the doubt. I see the social red flags waving telling me, "Don't trust that person at all," but then I open up anyway with some of my deeper secrets handing them my fears and insecurities on a silver platter to use later as ammunition against me. I do this uncontrollably, without a mute button. And I think I do it because I don't want to be one of them. Once you start passing judgment on people's character, you're more apt to be the asshole I'm talking about because your judgment will haunt you until you hate.

When it comes to neighbors, here's some of the craziest dumbfuckery I've encountered that I'm willing to admit:

1. A cop neighbor put out an APB on all my cats (for running at large) because my sister had a black baby.
2. A neighbor used to sit up all night staring out his window
3. One guy might of raped me. He definitely drugged my drink and bragged about it. He was the nicest of all my neighbors at that place up until that point.
4. One neighbor went around telling everyone I was an undercover FBI agent looking to snitch out pot smokers. I still have no idea why she did that. I have NEVER worked for a law enforcement agency. Ever.
5. One of my friends actually had neighbors commit her because they were being assholes and she threatened to file harassment charges. They were also meth addicts.

Of course, I've also met some really good friends. My mother's neighbor knows all the gossip. If you see cops in front of anyone's house within a 25 block radius of her house, she will tell you the scoop better than the cops. My friend Missy used to come over when we were just neighbors and barely knew each other and have tea with me in the mornings and help with the kids. Irka, a woman who used to live below me, is the only person who can actually get my kids to clean.

So with all that said, if I woke up a witch?

Well I do know witches. I also believe that the occult is a world that most humans, not even the best of witches, fully understand because if they did, they'd realize the most powerful magic comes from within. It comes from Love and inner peace. It comes from God. Curses are real, but those under God's protection are never hurt. Let their be light bitches!

But if I woke up a witch, I'd probably be more like Samantha from Bewitched. And if I felt comfortable using my powers without any spiritual karmatic implications, I'd probably do things like... (respectively to the last list)

1. Turn my cop neighbor's dog into a BLACK cat. Just for a couple days.
2. Fuse the window on a neighbors face so he can look through it all day too.
3. Drug the guy who raped me, and leave him in a cheap motel room pantless with a tattoo on his left butt cheek that says, "Bubba was here."
4. The neighbor who started rumors, I'd turn her stash of pot into green tobacco. She'll smoke it and smoke it but never get high.
5. The neighbors who committed my friend, I'd use my powers to get them all arrested for the illegal activities they actually do, and their moment of getting cuffed would occur where my friend could watch, and a bucket of popcorn would magically appear in her hands for the event.

and things like

1. Float invisibly into the White house and talk to the President about world problems as a ghost. Things would magically happen in Washington to set this country forward. Things you probably wouldn't agree with, but when you have a good job where you can afford to amuse yourself on Facebook without worrying about rent or getting cancer, you won't give a shit how I did it. You wouldn't even know I was there.

2. I'd create an underground secret layer for my plans of world domination.

3. I'd create some sort of terrorist program where we take the international terrorists and brainwash them into being decent people. If it didn't work, I'd turn them into toads to be dissected in science class in an all girl's school so they can finally be with their virgins.

4. Westboro's buildings would all be rainbow, and no matter what they did to change it, it wouldn't change. Like if they painted over it, it would turn back into a rainbow.

5. I'd magically poof myself and the kids all over the world to travel.

6. A starving student trying to learn who enjoys thinking would discover the cure to some major disease, and it would spark a career for them and things would just work out to where it comes to people who need it. This would happen many times for many diseases, from cancer to polio to PTSD to that huge word I can't pronounce.

7. I'd do some sort of corporate takeover of Microsoft and change things to where their products function without troubleshooting.

8. I'd probably take a day to where every time a bank charged a fee, the computer keeps giving it to the customer.

9. Women would be getting hired and promoted in top jobs because the person doing the hiring doesn't want to become a toad with the terrorists. The mothers would get higher salaries than the men just because every culture places the burden of caring for the children solely on their mother. If men want equal pay, they'll start doing equal work, and I mean real work, taking care of the kids and house.

10. My most diabolical scheme ever... I'd clean my house like Mary Poppins. Snap and the bed makes itself. Snap and the clothes fold itself. Snap and the dishes wash themselves. And when I say, "Stop fighting," and the kids don't, I can snap my fingers and instantly pause them for a time out.

READ MORE FINISH THE SENTENCE FRIDAY AT FINDING NINEE

CHECK OUT SECRET SUBJECT SWAP AT THE LINKS BELOW

Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts.  Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:

http://www.BakingInATornado.com                          Baking In A Tornado

http://themomisodes.com                                       The Momisodes

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/                          Spatulas on Parade

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/                      Stacy Sews and Schools

http://berghamchronicles.blogspot.com                   The Bergham's Life Chronicles                                            

http://www.eviljoyspeaks.wordpress.com                       Evil Joy Speaks

http://dinoheromommy.com/                                      Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

http://www.silenceofthemom.blogspot.com                    Silence of the Mom

http://climaxedtheblog.blogspot.com                                Climaxed

http://sparklyjenn.blogspot.com/                                  Sparkly Poetic Weirdo

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com                           Someone Else’s Genius

http://www.crumpetsandbollocks.com                       Crumpets and Bollocks

  http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch/                        Confessions of a part-time working mom
http://www.smalltalkmama.com                            Small Talk Mama

How Twinkies Could Change the World and Amazing Things My Body Has Done

I'm in TWO HOPS today, not like beer hops, like blog hops. The thing where I ask you to invest your entire day, in the name of your sanity, reading blogs. Secret Subject Swap has a different topic for each blogger, and Finish the Sentence Friday has the same for everyone. Please grab a cup of your favorite adult beverage and check them out if you get a chance, drop a comment, and give some social media luv humps for your favorites.

Your “Secret Subject” is:

What's the one thing you would do to change the world?

It was submitted by: http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/       

I always have said, for years, if I ever run into a genie in a magic lamp, my world peace wish would be that all the cum tastes like the cream filling of a Twinkie, and it doesn't make you fat, and ingesting it would cure cancer. Why? Blow jobs suck. Literally and figuratively. With the word of one wish, I'd increase worldwide happiness and joy making oral sex more pleasurable for both parties involved. I may not be able to completely stop the violence as humans will always have violent tendencies. You just can't remove the savage beast from a wild animal, no matter how much you domesticate it. But overall happiness would greatly improve by increasing oral sex. I just hope it's not really a sin like the Bible suggests because a healthy sex life is a healthy psyche, but I don't want to damn the world in the name of Freudian Health Care.

The only downfall to this wish is that men would stop enjoying blow jobs like they do now. In regular society, men bitch every time a woman hits PMS. They avoid her because they don't want to deal with insane mood swings or absurd bitchiness. If I had my wish, what would happen is you'd find men during that week hunkered down in a corner hiding, protecting his jewels with the cup of his hand, as his woman is wandering around, "I want my twinkie!" Cmon now, you know PMS would be the time we'd crave that cock like it's chocolate or ranch dressing. They would eventually get sick of blow jobs. It would become a charity deal. "Ok you can suck my pocket rocket, but only because I care about you and your health." We'd be paying more money for jack-off juice, and there would be a black market of it where once you go black, you never go back. It would probably sell for more than cocaine, and the FBI would thoroughly enjoy catching people red-handed. 

So blow jobs would still suck, but cancer would bite it. Don't freak. We'd find a way to give it to kids without the grossness of sex, which coincidentally makes kids.

If magic wasn't involved, and I didn't have children, I'd probably become a corporate hitman. I'd take some companies down in takeover just for the money so I can afford some mercenaries, but then I'd reinvest it into taking down the corporations trying to take over the world in all the conspiracy theories like Pinky and the Brain. I'd literally TAKE the power back. Then I'd rebuild them with normal people, like people who care about their water being safe and not fucking over a country for a bigger bonus.

See below for links in this hop.

Finish the Sentence Friday
The most amazing thing my body has done is... (Ruchira Khanna)

1. I can lick my own elbows.

2. I used to wrap my legs around my neck and walk on my hands.

3. Before the onslaught of my ass, I could escape out of handcuffs in less than 30 seconds. Totally made me a dom in bondage scenarios.

4. One time I hacked up a huge bright green loogie that impressed me, but not as much as crapping out a turd the size of a baseball. Those moments make you wonder why anal sex  and deep throating is so uncomfortable.  

5. In the military, I had to walk a gauntlet of vaccinations. I mean, you stood in line with your t-shirt rolled up over your shoulder and your pants un-buttoned halfway off your ass. You took a step forward and 2 shots in the arm. Another step, and another 2 shots in the arm. Another step, and a Penicillin shot in the ass, and for those who never had that done, let's just say bikini wax sounds delightful after having a needle the size of a fang shoved into your skin inserting what felt like venom into your veins leaving a bruise-like knot that sent pain shooting through all attached nerves for a few hours. The military was so sympathetic to all of us in pain that they made us run a couple miles in boots and utz (combat uniform). 

6. About every other day, I do something so uncoordinated, you'd think it was orchestrated and I was the most talented individual you ever met. Like for instance, I can drop a piece of chocolate because I missed my mouth, and it can bounce off my boobs, onto a table, off my knee and land in the opening of a can of soda. While you think that's amazing, I'm thinking, "Damn, I really wanted to eat that." I can also trip over something, catch my balance landing my left foot on a piece of paper that slides me into a perfect split. One time, I was walking into the kitchen, and as I approached the area I keep my mop and bucket, the mop slipped right as I was walking by it, like not even seconds before I was there, and I walked right into the stick of the mop with enough force to knock the mop up out of the bucket and directly into my face. Another time, I was carrying in each kid one by one late at night in the rain, and as I walked out to get the last kid out of the car, I could hear her crying. So I of course started to run her way, jumping off the curb, landing on a pebble, spraining my ankle as I dove into a mud puddle head first. Then I carried her in on a softball sized swollen ankle, and went back out for the groceries carrying that in without ever looking at my ankle to see the damage. It still hurts to this day. 

7. I can eat a whole pie in one sitting.

8. I have stayed awake for 72 hours straight, slept 4 hours, and then pulled another 72 hours. I did this for a month. 

9. One time I was wrestling this Marine, and he grabbed my wrist and twisted it in a way that sent shooting pain down my arm, and I reacted by flipping up on a table next to us, freeing my hand, flipping off the table behind him, and then I grabbed the back of his head and yanked him down to the ground, catching him before he hit. This all happened in the blink of an eye, and I have no idea how I did it. No idea where it came from. Maybe I just watch too much Jet Li. Another time I was wrestling a 3rd degree blackbelt, and he had me pinned down. I was on my stomach, and he was on my back holding my legs down with one hand, my hands down with another hand, and he dug his chin into my spine. I flapped like a fish and we flew off the sofa 3 feet over with a walk breaking the fall about 3 to 4 feet up in the air. He dumped me after that swearing I was possessed with the devil. 

10. Three times now, probably the most amazing thing my body has done, my vagina crapped out a wad of baby. Yes, I made a tiny human. I worked really hard at making that, and had loads of fun. 

Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts. Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:

Baking In A Tornado

The Momisodes

Spatulas on Parade

Stacy Sews and Schools

Sparkly Poetic Weirdo

Confessions of a part-time working mom

Crumpets and Bollocks

Climaxed

Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

Someone Else’s Genius

The Bergham’s Life Chronicles
Juicebox Confession
Evil Joy Speaks
Follow Me Home

Superhuman Friends, Hypothetically Speaking

Welcome to a Secret Subject Swap. This week, 12 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts.

My “Secret Subject” is:

If you could create a super human best friend, and give them three super human powers... what powers do you give them and why?

It was submitted by: http://berghamchronicles.blogspot.com/     

If I could create a superhuman best friend, I would need a template of a friend, and there is nothing better for that than a dog because humans are too temperamental, and their savage instinct can anytime consume them and they can and will snap on you. They are too wild to be domesticated. Of course, I'm not sure how giving a dog superhuman powers would work, because they'd be more superdog powers, and I don't really want to live in an Air Bud sequel.

I'd consider a cat because they bathe themselves and can sneak in places easier, and they totally smell better, but I'm almost certain if cats could talk, they'd probably say, "Fuck off," a lot more frequently than my kids say, "Mommy?" and that guy on South Park says, "mmmkay?"

I think the reason I'm at a loss of a friendship template is that friendship is one of those words where I don't think it means what I think it means. I really kind of thought, for most of my life, maybe because I was naive, that a friendship meant you had an extended family member where it's like a legion to tackle on life's difficulties together, as well as celebrate those rare moments of glory together. Basically, someone to hold your hand through every argument with your husband or mother. Someone who brings tampons to you at 3AM because you ran out and you have no money (I've done that before for a friend). Someone you call at any hour for a ride home because you are too drunk to drive, and they might pick you up from a bar in their pajamas (I've done that before too). Someone who will watch your kids when they are hungry, in need of a bath, and hyper on sugar because you need a couple hours to sleep (I've done that before too). Someone who knows everything going on in your life before anyone else does because you talk that often together. Basically, the person who knows which kid of yours has the nastiest diaper, where you keep your toilet paper, and whether or not you really are a whore.

But in real life, friendship is more of a convenience. People, for the most part, just use people. And sometimes you go from being someone's friend to being a depreciated asset, meaning you served your useful life for that person and they have since upgraded to something more in tune with their current needs. Anymore, if you want someone to babysit your kids, wait until someone needs something, and then bargain like Donald Trump, "Yeah sure I can give you 20 dollars to help you with gas, just stop by and get it any time," and when they come back, "Oh, well I have to go hit an ATM to get the money, can you watch my kids while I'm gone?" and then take 3 hours to go to the ATM because ha. Sucka you will earn that 20 fucking dollars. Now that's modern era friendship.

So if I had the ability to dabble in the art of being God enough to give a friend super powers, wow. Not sure who I'd pick and what I'd give them. Honestly, if you ask me that question, you'd think I'd be more concerned with what powers to give someone than who to give those powers to, so now I feel like that kid who is trying to pick a kid to be on their team in kickball, you know, with the antsy adrenaline rush from the power bestowed upon them as they decide who is "cool" enough to include and in the process, who to exclude for the time being. And there's a reason I was never a kickball team captain...

IF I chose my husband, as he is the closest thing to a best friend I have, I'd give him the following super powers:

1. Super Hearing and Listening abilities: He's half deaf, and uses that as an excuse a lot to ignore me completely, especially when it's really important like, "Hey we only have like 20 bucks in the account because I paid bills," so he hears, "Hey, you have 20 bucks to spend on itunes."

2. That thing Mary Poppins does, where she snaps her fingers and shit cleans itself up. Yeah. Not that this is a selfish bestowing of powers or anything. I mean I really do enjoy bending over and manually picking up after everyone in this house, all day, every day, for the rest of my life.

3. The ability to fly and be bullet proof just because he always wanted to be a pilot in the Air Force, and he jumped the gun and enlisted instead of finishing college and commissioning. Plus this way, he can get home from work faster, and we'd save a shit ton of money on gas. Now we just need to invent headphones that can withstand the wind so he can listen to his music while he flies. Oh, why bullet proof you ask? We live in West Virginia. Someone would freak out that a human is flying and try to shoot it down... "Get off my property. No Trespassing on my air space." Not only that, but since my husband is Puerto Rican, they'd probably think the Mexicans have discovered a new way to cross the border.

But I probably wouldn't choose my husband. I'd be thinking, my real best friends are my kids... I have 3 girls really close in age. If I could swing making them all bullet proof, fall proof, and basically immune to injury so that the only way death could touch them is with old age in addition to giving them 3 superhuman powers... This is how I'd create a force to reckon with... And these are my friends I totally made myself, in my tummy, the fruit of my lady loins... 

Gabby, my oldest, the one who is fearless and will dive out the window head first just for the thrill if I'd let her, the one with a fierce determination that I hope I will some day appreciate when she's an adult, she would get super strength without bulky arms, like Shera. Of course, I'd have to invest in a lot of refrigerators because that's her door of preference to slam when she's pissed off. I'd give her super speed, but she's the type to run without paying attention to where she's going, so I'd be afraid she'd get herself lost too easy with that. No superspeed for this kid without GPS. Then there's powers like ability to crawl on walls? Um I think she already does that when I'm not looking. But the main thing is, one of these kids would have to have the ability to tear shit up in case of any threat to scientifically examine them or use them for evil. And Gabby, she can destroy things, like the whole house in a matter of seconds. The important thing is, she's the kid who is always saying, "Don't knock over the lego tower," meaning, she's cautious about her destruction.

Solma, my middle kid, the one who is a Princess, who can't speak to you without bowing, sticking her finger over her head, and doing some little ballerina dance move ending in a girly pose, the one who listens the best of all 3 kids, and the one who just needs a hug when upset... She's already strong for a kid, and she will knock a kid out, no remorse because she won't do that unless it's justified in her mind that the kid or sibling deserved it. Anyway, I'd give her powers to heal people. That way, she can knock people out all she wants.

Annie, my youngest, she's the genius, the master of communication, and will use cute faces, guilt, and a little deception to manipulate you into almost anything including giving her a 5th popsicle, which is a super human power in of itself... I'd give her invisibility, but she loves being the center of attention, so I don't think she'd appreciate that one so much. Anyway, one of the kids would need to tap into some form of guidance. Where would the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles be without Splinter? Fat from overdosing on pizza. That's where they'd be. And the kid capable of communicating well to others is probably going to be doing most of the leading, even though the other two are pretty stubborn. Either way, I'd give her the ability to communicate effectively with God, Jesus Christ, and only God (no other spirits because the last thing she needs is to hear voices confusing her). Basically, she'd have super wisdom, super clarity, and a super ability to do the right thing. And with that would come the ability to speak any language including talk to animals, but only when she wants to, not to a point of annoyance.

And then my kids would protect the city of Townsville from evil monkeys. 

Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts. Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:

Baking In A Tornado

The Momisodes

Spatulas on Parade

Stacy Sews and Schools

Sparkly Poetic Weirdo

Confessions of a part-time working mom

Dates 2 Diapers 2

Crumpets and Bollocks

Climaxed

Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

Someone Else’s Genius

The Bergham’s Life Chronicles

I was Mistaken, several times.

It's secret subject swap time, and my secret subject is:

Tell us about a mistake you keep making over and over again...
Given to me by Baking in a Tornado 

Well now, do you want that in alphabetical order? Or chronological order? How about random because I love Quantum Mechanics...

1. Facebook

I can't stop myself from "checking my facebook real quick." Here's an analogy for the SAT or ACT. Making out is to unspeakable acts like checking my facebook real quick is to...  hours wasted behind the computer complete with guilt for not living up to the expectations of a woman (in this case, doing housework). I know when I check facebook there is no such thing as "real quick." I know this. But I do it anyway swearing this time it's going to be different. Nevermind, Moms Who Drink and Swear posted something I have to read.

2. Money

Pay day is like winning the lottery day, and I get so excited about it, I spend it on things like, "We just got paid I can afford this," and "Why not?" There's also, "The kids really did need this," and "We don't do this often enough we should go all out." All that is followed by, "We can pay half of that bill this week and the other half next week," and "Maybe we can pawn something for electricity." The sad thing is I was a bookkeeper. People actually once paid me by the hour to handle their millions of dollars. I didn't fuck up their money like I do my own.

I know we can afford our life if I can manage to live the life we can afford. It doesn't matter if we make more money... That won't change it. I'll just get Outback steaks more often than fast food, and buy the name brand instead of the generic, and shop at places where it's more expensive...

To make it more sad, I buy things I don't know what to do with them. I had been eyeballing those huge vases you put on a floor that comes up to your waist; Walmart had this one for 30 bucks. I wouldn't pay 30 for it. I watched it go on clearance for 25, and then 20. But when it hit 5 dollars, I bought two of them. I have no place for them. I gave them away to a friend.

3. Cleaning

I do this thing where I tell myself, "I don't need to clean that, it's not that bad. It can wait until tomorrow." Then the next thing I know, it looks like Thing 1 and Thing 2 popped out of a Dr. Seuss book and shat all over the place to where cleaning it would be an all day, maybe all week, event. Then I get behind all together and can't keep up until I find some way to get it looking decent again. All because I was like, "It's not that bad."

The issue with this is I get autism overwhelm. That means what I'm about to explain is a very normal feeling for everyone, but it's heightened with me. If I walk into a room to clean it, and I assess the situation and see it will probably take an hour to clean tops, I jump in like nothing. But if I walk into a room to clean it, and I assess the situation and see it will take days, tears, sweat and maybe some blood, then I walk out. Sit down because I need to cope. And then avoid it like it's a PTSD trigger. There have been times I make someone else clean a room enough so I can go in and clean it.

On the flip side, my old neighbor has OCD, and really bad like she feels guilty from it. She has no problem cleaning a very clean house, which is why her house is always clean. She's thinking about going to therapy for it.

4. The dark voices

This one my shrink talked about with me, and he's right. I listen to all the dark voices in my life... the negative criticism. The "don't try to do that because you can't do it," and don't forget, "It's not that important if it means something to you..." stuff people say to me that I say to myself that I unfortunately agree with. This one is complicated because it's like my conscious brain knows they are wrong. My conscious brain will tell you I'm beautiful the way I am, but there's that subconscious part that would swear I'm fat. The subconscious part society trained to shit like Pavlov trained his dog to drool.

It's really sad how words like, "Do you really think that was a good idea?" will echo in your mind over and over again, days after the person said it, and evolve into, "that was the dumbest fucking idea imaginable and you are stupid for not only thinking of it, but thinking it was worthy of your time to attempt." It's almost like you are the leader of your hater club, one you have to at some point tell to shut the fuck up.

5. My car keys.

I have a basket for the car keys. Do I put the keys in that basket? No. Do I know where my keys are? No. Will I flip my shit over losing those stupid keys trying to walk out the door while herding kids like sheep? Damn right.

I know a make a gazillion other mistakes repeatedly, but part of the reason I do that is I have the memory of a goldfish thanks to Mom Syndrome. That in of itself is a perpetual mistake, like the load in my washing machine I've washed 3 times without drying, but it's also the reason I keep making mistakes because I learn from a mistake and then forget the whole thing ever happened. What happens yesterday stays in yesterday.

Spring Break Broke when I became a Parent

Today happens to mark TWO blog hops I'm in, so if you are feeling hoppy, grab some coffee, or better yet, really get into the spirit with a hoppy beer.

Spring Break suddenly takes a turn for the..... and you......

submitted by

Evil Joy Speaks

AND

I NEVER UNDERSTOOD WHAT THE BIG DEAL WAS ABOUT...

I never understood what the big deal was about Spring Break. In high school, it's not like any of my friends went on any cool vacation and partied with MTV or anything. In fact, most of them didn't even watch MTV's Spring Break. In college, it was the time we got caught up on homework and papers. Woo hoo. Homework. Party animals. Watch out.

I'm sure other people enjoyed Spring Break more than I'm willing to admit they do, and I refuse to admit it because that would mean I have to be jealous, and if I'm going to be jealous of someone, it's going to be over something important like their pedicure.

But for the most part, Spring Break to me was just a time off, a break. A week where I plan on not wearing pants, watching nothing but television, and gorging on whatever I'm hungry for. 

Spring break suddenly takes a turn for the maniacally worst when you become a parent. You know those posts on Facebook that are like, "TGIF?" Well to a mother of young, school aged children, Mondays start our weekends, and Friday is the evening the real work begins. And things like Christmas Break's grueling 2 week vacation and Spring Break's one week are enough to secure a Xanax prescription. I'm starting to think Xanax should be a parting gift from the school, like condoms. 

Things my kids did while teachers basked in the glow of MTV's Spring Break:

1. They turned off the main breaker. The lights went out. I couldn't get them back on. I was like, "No TV for you." I took a nap. Tried to. There was a lot of, "We're bored." and "Can you make us hot dogs?" No microwave kids, and I'm not pioneering it today.

2. They had a food fight. I was typing on the computer, and I looked over their direction and smack. A banana to the face. "Sorry mom. I was aiming for Solma."

3. They reverse graffiti'd the toilet. I almost hate to admit this in public, like it's like I'm telling you I haven't shaved my inbetweens in so long I have a duck dynasty beard growing out of my twat, but since I just said it's like telling you THAT, now I guess I can tell you. I go to take a pee, and there's handsoap on the toilet. All over the toilet. In pictures. And when I wiped it off, it left a clean stain. The toilet must needed cleaned I guess because it left a clean mark. My kids left clean marks on a lot of things too, like the wall.

4. They played with water. And juice. And possibly pee. Not sure of all the liquids, but I assure you I stepped in every possible liquid. While wearing socks.

5. They painted the kitchen floor. I got this bright idea to make up for lost art class by purchasing 3 for 99 cent poster boards, paints, and paintbrushes. Of all subjects, art to me is the most important. It works the side of the brain most useful in accomplishing every day tasks. Since the poster is too big for all 3 on the table at the same time, I threw them on the kitchen floor. Needless to say, mopping was a bitch. And the carpet near the kitchen will need replaced because the word "Washable" was intended for skin, not carpet. My landlord is so going to love that when we move out.

And I... And where was I when all this happened? I was neatly tucked away in my internet escape holding on to mommy blogs for dear life. I also was drinking my red energy drink out of a goblet so it felt like wine. When the hubs came home from work, I swigged a little tequila to calm my nerves.

Now come to the dark side. Mommy blog addictions are healthier than a freak tequila accident, and you have done that before haven't you? I mean now's the time for it because this is two blog hops...

Check out Secret Subject Swap here. All the topics are different. 

Baking In A Tornado

The Momisodes

Stacy Sews and Schools

Follow me home . . .

Someone Else’s Genius

Confessions of a part-time working mom

Impoverished Vegan

Spatulas on Parade

Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

More Than Cheese and Beer

Evil Joy Speaks

Juicebox Confession
Climaxed

And Finish the Sentence Friday's Link List can be found at the hostess or co-host here

Janine's Confessions of a Mommy-A-Holic

Can I Get Another Bottle of Wine

Finding Ninee

Mommy for Real

Don't Drop the Soap

My subject is “If you were to go to prison it would be for what crime?”. It was submitted by Outmanned Mommy. Part of the Secret Subject Swap from Baking in a Tornado. I'm really super late with this post but next time maybe...

I never went to prison before. Well, I dreamt I went to a prison before to break someone out and we drove away in a toy red wind up car. And I did visit people in prison before which wasn't anything like you see on tv, like there was no glass and phone thingy. It was just a cafeteria looking room and we sat at a table and talked. I also toured Moundsville's Penitentiary that was once featured in Ghost Adventures where I got to see how it's impossible that inmates were waving at me from the windows in my youth like I thought they were so they must of been ghosts. They were very nice ghosts to be waving hi, especially considering they could have all been inmates once upon a time, not like inmates you see today, no there were stories. Like one guy randomly stabbed another 37 times. Do you know how much effort that would take to stab someone that many times? I would be exhausted after like the 3rd one. Then some of the inmates used to pee on the floor and try to electrocute the guards walking across the pee. Considering they were stabbing and peeing everywhere, I would say waving hi from the afterlife would be an incredible act of kindness. 

So I guess HYPOTHETICALLY speaking, if I went to prison, it would be for something I did, like I would get caught. You think I would get caught? I didn't. So ha to all you haters who think I would get caught. 

Illegal Drug Sales. Back in the day before the turn of the century after the statute of limitations have expired a couple of times, I lived with some friends in a ghetto for a couple months before it ended badly in some crazy drama where all the weed smokers (it's not pot in the ghetto, pot is a hippy word) thought I was an undercover FBI agent looking for people who smoked marijuana because marijuana makes people fucking paranoid. Before they thought I was an FBI agent, my friend sold some on the side. She kept her money in shoes that didn't have a match in her closet. I don't know how people end up with unmatched shoes. I really thought that was more of a sock thing. Anyway, I'm not even old enough to legally drink at this point, and when people showed up to purchase said herbal remedies when my friend wasn't home, which by the way is legal in some states, and I was probably in one of those states, because I'm totally not going to get caught at this point... and well it would be bad business to turn people away. So there I was, fidgeting with scales (still have no idea how to accurately measure marijuana) which I'm sure was a lot like entrusting Spongebob with the Krusty Krab to make accurate change and what not, so I handled business. Yes. I was a drug dealer. I'd put it down on my resume because I think that's fabulous work experience for a position in sales, but for whatever reason, the guy at the workforce doesn't agree. I think it's because it was such a short lived job on account I could never use the scales. 

Assault with a deadly weapon with a possible self defense case. I was at a bar once, and this woman who looked like an Eskimo from Northern Exposure was claiming that Tupac was her uncle. These 3 ladies, 18ish in age probably there with a fake ID, laughed at her. So the Northern Exposure Chick, in her drunken misery as she was mourning the death of her Uncle Tupac many years after his death, lunged toward the girls ready to rip some faces off, and I caught her, pushed her back, and then my sister flew out from the crowd surrounding us and punched her in the face. For pushing me. Though she didn't push me. I pushed her, but my sister was too drunk to tell the difference. How is that assault with a deadly weapon? My hands are a deadly weapon of mass destruction, kind of like chuck norris but with boobs. My hands don't have boobs. But my hands are so deadly that hands come popping out of the crowd ready to have my back. Fortunately, my sister really can't throw a good punch so the woman probably didn't bruise. 

And there was this one time in band camp (Air Force) where I was pretending to be a Marine so I could smoke cigarettes and this one MP Marine in training was all "I can kick your ass while sitting down" and I was all, "LOL" except I didn't say LOL, I laughed, so we "wrestled." This is like my proudest moment in my life just so you know, one I DO tell on job interviews. Anyway, he was sitting down the entire time because he's a badass, and he did some weird grab my hand and twist it while pushing on some pressure points that makes your whole body twinge like Miley's twerk mixed with hitting your funny bone with a sledgehammer. I couldn't untwist my hand against his strength because I'm some little Air Force chick and he's a big bad Marine, so I untwisted with his strength flipping up on a picnic table we were at, and then I did some Jet Li shit and next thing I knew, I was behind him where I grabbed his head, yanked him backwards off his seat, and caught him before he hit the pavement. Marines called me Devil Dog that day. They were chanting it. At least according to my memory it was more like a chant. 

I also once body slammed my husband who weighs like 250 pounds (or more), and one time I was dating a guy who claimed to be a 3rd degree blackbelt and he held me down where I'm laying on my stomach and he had my legs pinned with his legs, my arms pinned with his arms, and he was digging his chin right into my spine which also is a lot like Miley's twerk mixed with smashing your funny bone with a sledge hammer, and I flapped like a fish and we both went flying into the air and the wall broke the fall, 3 feet up the wall, and he dumped me because he thought I was possessed by Satan. I think that constitutes assault. Right? Anyway....

Indecent Exposure and Public Intox. I was in tech school in the military, and I hadn't drank booze at a club for a long minute, too long for my age, so the first night I could leave base in civilian clothes, I hit a local bar/club in Missouri. I got there about midnight like I usually get to the club, and I did about 6 shots of Henney and finished the drink of some random dude, like I walked up to him, made eye contact, stole the beer from his hand, drank it and gave it back. This is what happens when you give people like me Air Force confidence for a minute. Anyway, the bar closed at like 1. Who the fuck closes a bar at 1AM? Missouri. That's why the state sounds like Misery. Anyway, the strip club was open until 4AM, but they couldn't sell booze (people were selling beers in the black market so its all good). So then 3 sheets to the wind, I get in a cab expecting to go home, sharing it with 3 random Marines, and somehow I ended up in the parking lot of the strip joint getting ready to go in with the Marines, and I flashed the cab driver for his Mardi Gras beads. The only thing I remember at the strip joint was a stripper yanking some guy onto the stage on his back, straddling across his face and masturbating. I'm not sure if it was the booze or my gutter mind, but I kind of thought it was brilliant. And she smacked him in the face with her boob. I am so glad I learned to do that from a stripper. It really comes in handy. Then the next thing I remember is I'm jogging with a horrific hangover and my Marine boyfriend was trying to make me do a pull up. I think he PT'd me hard that day just because I went out with random Marines that weren't him, to a strip joint, and flashed them. I'm not sure what's so bad about that. He makes it sound like I let them buy me a drink. 

I also once killed the guy who invented LED headlights in my mind, but I'm not sure what he looked like so it was just a dark shadowy figure. I disposed of the body in a cave somewhere deep in Mordor so every time a hobbit shows up with Elvish light juice, his ghost goes blind. 

Of course, my worst most heinous act I ever committed that I'm totally shocked and amazed I'm not serving time for... Besides jay walking... My driving. It's horrid. My idea of a complete stop is totally different than my drivers ed teacher's idea of a complete stop. So is my idea of a road, like grass is just a road before it becomes a road so it's the same thing. One time in Wyoming, I was driving to work in the middle of a tornado hurricane and almost ended up in Oz. The sirens were going off for flooding, and it was hailing gumballs. 25 cent gumballs, not 10 cent ones. Those are some big cojones for Mother Nature. Anyway, outside the mall area was a guy walking in that high wind gumball flooding rain. Seriously? Dude couldn't wait 20 minutes for the hail to at least stop? So of course, I pulled over and offered him a ride. I was so pregnant too with my first kid. He made me drive him out to the middle of no where to drop him off at home, which would have taken him a day to make by foot, like the walk would have had to have felt like Moses leading people to the promise land it was that far away. I'm not really from Wyoming, so getting lost was really easy for me to do, and I was lost. At one point, I could see the road I needed to be on, but I couldn't find a way to that road. So I drove through a muddy field. If you own a muddy field in Wyoming and wondered who drove through it and why, that was me. Thank you for letting me borrow your property. I swear I wrote this before...

Now if I could do something illegal, I'd probably rob a bank, but it would be embezzling money back into everyone's account. I've also thought about sending the schools a computer virus to remove the permanent records everyone's label is based upon. And I thought about running for office before, but those criminals don't really serve a prison sentence. I also had a diabolical scheme to take over the world by inserting computer chips in people, but apparently, the New World Order already beat me to it. Bastards. I also thought about world domination via opening a chain of cheap unhealthy greasy foods, but that's just too cliche. I retired from world domination when Pinky and the Brain left the circle of trust. I'd also love to be a mercenary that doesn't kill people. But that's not really illegal is it? Maybe a corporate assassin, like you pay me to make a corporation go bankrupt. I'd do Sprint for free though. You know, to build a portfolio.

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