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Dribbles and Grits to Crumpets and Bollocks

Friday, July 18, 2014

My friend graduated Nursing school, so we all got drunk.

Today is Use your Words writing prompt. Ok, I'm going to be honest with you. I knew this was coming. I knew this was due on Friday, today. I just didn't know it was Friday, like I still think it's Tuesday, and my google calendar notified me last night during my second drink at a huge party, and I'm a little slow today. So slightly hungover with children begging me for attention, I'm going to spit out a blog post using words hand selected by Someone Else's Genius.

I just need a topic...

Ok. So last night my friend Jamie graduated from nursing school. She is officially an LPN. I'm so proud of her.

When we first became friends, my life made sense, and she was a hot mess. She had two boys ages 2 and 3 at the time, and she was barely old enough to drink. She had no idea what she wanted to do with her life, well she had some idea, but it was a stupid idea, so stupid I refuse to post it here because it would incriminate against both of us. So, anyway, now after many years of friendship, I'm the hot mess with 3 girls back to back, and Jamie is the one with her shit together.

It wasn't easy. She actually is the mother of 3. Her youngest child, her daughter, Deziray, passed away when she was 2 years old resulting from Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome. She was diagnosed at 6 months of age with a brain tumor, and successfully beat cancer by the age of 2; however, cancer left her somewhat broken and vulnerable, so a common cold sent her to the ER, and I'm not sure if the nurse gave her too much oxygen sparking the ARDS, or if the ARDS happened on its own.

The bottom line was a nurse wasn't doing her job right and potentially played a huge role in losing a child. But it was the nurses who helped my friend through so much in taking care of her child. Somehow, the entire experience showed my friend in her darkest hour what she is truly capable of. Despite working full time and being the breadwinner in her family, she managed to take care of her 2 boys and a baby who needed so much. She blindly went into the medical profession as a mother, and now she is armed with certification and knowledge.

She is exactly the kind of woman whose story empowers others.

Following the graduation ceremony was a huge party. Her parents own campgrounds along the river, and her father spent quite a bit of his life owning a bar for a living, so they have the place set up for the most epic parties you can imagine. Their little unknown haven is nestled along side a little cliff along the river. They have a boat with a huge dock, and walking up the stairs and ramps lead you to one of those open shelters you find in a park, but his is unlike any you will see in a park. It is decorated with random signs like, "What happens at the river stays at the river." (Yeah, unless I show up and blog about it). There's a traffic light to bring color to the night's scene. It has 2 refrigerators, speakers and stereo, and cabinets full of things like plastic cups and beer pong kits. Next to that little shelter is a place for a fire. They jimmied some sort of hubcap from a semi truck or something unusual like that into a fire pit. Most "parties" or evenings sitting along side the river includes Miller Light, Jimmy Buffet, a cozy fire, and people from all over the campground.

Battle Axe Part 2 is Co-Owner of the Party Cove

Last night, they extended their usual party scene. One of our friends is a DJ, so they set him up in an open field the size of suburbia's back yard where we created a dance floor, but be careful, the corner to the right of the DJ has some sort of hole and tree root sticking out of the ground. We weren't as drunk as we appeared. Maybe we were.

The Best DJ EVER

The "Diet Coke" Flip Cup Game

Then they took another open fielded area between campers and set up a beer pong table, and a cup flipping table. Apparently relay races are not only for children. I never heard of it, but you drink your cup of beer, set it right side up on the edge of the table, and flip it. First one to get the cup to flip right side up with one flip, and little drunken telekinesis, wins, or if there's more on your team, it goes to the next person. I'm just too old to know about this game. When I was young and drinking, we did Spades, Dominoes, Poker, Strip Poker, and Presidents and Assholes (which I still don't totally understand because you have to be drunk for it to make sense, and it's hard to remember things you learned drunk when you are sober).

Then there's the huge field across the way where tents were set up for drunk people to crash and freeze.

Most of the people at this party, I never met before because they were in my friend's nursing class. Some were really young, and there was this one woman who was much older than me dropping it like it's hot better than those young ones. But of course, the person I hung out with the most was a very young flaming gay guy who I swore most of the night was my girlfriend as I'm the butch one in our relationship. He won the Limbo contest some girl who looks exactly like Star from The Lost Boys on a whim decided to have with a sash from one of the nurses. I would have won considering I'm double jointed, but my boobs were totally working against me. My boobs were also kind of falling out of my dress (I don't fit in any of my clothes anymore thanks to those Apple Pies I kept eating whole in one sitting last Thanksgiving; so what?), and I swear my cleavage acted as an arrow to grab me here because just about everyone who wouldn't make my husband jealous at some point honked my boob, including my girlfriend by accident.

My girlfriend and I, dancing, or
better said, I was holding him up.

The craziest person at the party just happened to also be the most sober person at the party.

I guess if I mention her shenanigans, I won't be allowed to tag people with this blog post on Facebook, but anyway, she dry humped a lot of people, with a balloon in the shape of a number 1 that turned phallic symbol quick on us. Some people licked her balloon. She also dry humped a minivan's windshield for the unsuspecting audience trying to leave. We have pictures, and video.

Speaking of which, pictures. Ok, so some people at this party are not allowed be seen at places like this party for reasons I cannot mention, so I can't just post pictures and tag people. But I want to post pictures anyway, so I'm going to be doing that later. If you read this blog, come back later for the pictures. I have to post this without pictures because I forgot it was Friday. Whatever it takes to get this up close to on time, right?

All right... pictures...

That is not really George Lopez and Katy Perry.
This was obviously photoshopped.

This is their authentic Bit Strip Profile Faces

Your words are: Blind ~ epic ~ telekinesis ~ arrow ~ whatever it takes

They were submitted by: http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com

Read more of this hop. Links to the other “Use Your Words” posts:

http://bakinginatornado.com Baking In A Tornado

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/ Spatulas on Parade

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/ Stacy Sews and Schools

http://sparklyjenn.blogspot.com/ Sparkly Poetic Weirdo

http://thethreegerbers.blogspot.ch/ Confessions of a part-time working mom

http://dates2diapers2.blogspot.com Dates 2 Diapers 2

http://berghamchronicles.blogspot.com/ The Bergham’s Life Chronicles

http://thesadderbutwisergirl.com The Sadder But Wiser Girl

http://themomisodes.com The Momisodes

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com Someone Else’s Genius

http://followmehome.shellybean.com Follow me home . . .

http://www.crumpetsandbollocks.com Crumpets and Bollocks

Labels: friendship, nursing, Use Your Words

Friday, July 11, 2014

Superhuman Friends, Hypothetically Speaking

Welcome to a Secret Subject Swap. This week, 12 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts.

My “Secret Subject” is:

If you could create a super human best friend, and give them three super human powers... what powers do you give them and why?

It was submitted by: http://berghamchronicles.blogspot.com/

If I could create a superhuman best friend, I would need a template of a friend, and there is nothing better for that than a dog because humans are too temperamental, and their savage instinct can anytime consume them and they can and will snap on you. They are too wild to be domesticated. Of course, I'm not sure how giving a dog superhuman powers would work, because they'd be more superdog powers, and I don't really want to live in an Air Bud sequel.

I'd consider a cat because they bathe themselves and can sneak in places easier, and they totally smell better, but I'm almost certain if cats could talk, they'd probably say, "Fuck off," a lot more frequently than my kids say, "Mommy?" and that guy on South Park says, "mmmkay?"

I think the reason I'm at a loss of a friendship template is that friendship is one of those words where I don't think it means what I think it means. I really kind of thought, for most of my life, maybe because I was naive, that a friendship meant you had an extended family member where it's like a legion to tackle on life's difficulties together, as well as celebrate those rare moments of glory together. Basically, someone to hold your hand through every argument with your husband or mother. Someone who brings tampons to you at 3AM because you ran out and you have no money (I've done that before for a friend). Someone you call at any hour for a ride home because you are too drunk to drive, and they might pick you up from a bar in their pajamas (I've done that before too). Someone who will watch your kids when they are hungry, in need of a bath, and hyper on sugar because you need a couple hours to sleep (I've done that before too). Someone who knows everything going on in your life before anyone else does because you talk that often together. Basically, the person who knows which kid of yours has the nastiest diaper, where you keep your toilet paper, and whether or not you really are a whore.

But in real life, friendship is more of a convenience. People, for the most part, just use people. And sometimes you go from being someone's friend to being a depreciated asset, meaning you served your useful life for that person and they have since upgraded to something more in tune with their current needs. Anymore, if you want someone to babysit your kids, wait until someone needs something, and then bargain like Donald Trump, "Yeah sure I can give you 20 dollars to help you with gas, just stop by and get it any time," and when they come back, "Oh, well I have to go hit an ATM to get the money, can you watch my kids while I'm gone?" and then take 3 hours to go to the ATM because ha. Sucka you will earn that 20 fucking dollars. Now that's modern era friendship.

So if I had the ability to dabble in the art of being God enough to give a friend super powers, wow. Not sure who I'd pick and what I'd give them. Honestly, if you ask me that question, you'd think I'd be more concerned with what powers to give someone than who to give those powers to, so now I feel like that kid who is trying to pick a kid to be on their team in kickball, you know, with the antsy adrenaline rush from the power bestowed upon them as they decide who is "cool" enough to include and in the process, who to exclude for the time being. And there's a reason I was never a kickball team captain...

IF I chose my husband, as he is the closest thing to a best friend I have, I'd give him the following super powers:

1. Super Hearing and Listening abilities: He's half deaf, and uses that as an excuse a lot to ignore me completely, especially when it's really important like, "Hey we only have like 20 bucks in the account because I paid bills," so he hears, "Hey, you have 20 bucks to spend on itunes."

2. That thing Mary Poppins does, where she snaps her fingers and shit cleans itself up. Yeah. Not that this is a selfish bestowing of powers or anything. I mean I really do enjoy bending over and manually picking up after everyone in this house, all day, every day, for the rest of my life.

3. The ability to fly and be bullet proof just because he always wanted to be a pilot in the Air Force, and he jumped the gun and enlisted instead of finishing college and commissioning. Plus this way, he can get home from work faster, and we'd save a shit ton of money on gas. Now we just need to invent headphones that can withstand the wind so he can listen to his music while he flies. Oh, why bullet proof you ask? We live in West Virginia. Someone would freak out that a human is flying and try to shoot it down... "Get off my property. No Trespassing on my air space." Not only that, but since my husband is Puerto Rican, they'd probably think the Mexicans have discovered a new way to cross the border.

But I probably wouldn't choose my husband. I'd be thinking, my real best friends are my kids... I have 3 girls really close in age. If I could swing making them all bullet proof, fall proof, and basically immune to injury so that the only way death could touch them is with old age in addition to giving them 3 superhuman powers... This is how I'd create a force to reckon with... And these are my friends I totally made myself, in my tummy, the fruit of my lady loins...

Gabby, my oldest, the one who is fearless and will dive out the window head first just for the thrill if I'd let her, the one with a fierce determination that I hope I will some day appreciate when she's an adult, she would get super strength without bulky arms, like Shera. Of course, I'd have to invest in a lot of refrigerators because that's her door of preference to slam when she's pissed off. I'd give her super speed, but she's the type to run without paying attention to where she's going, so I'd be afraid she'd get herself lost too easy with that. No superspeed for this kid without GPS. Then there's powers like ability to crawl on walls? Um I think she already does that when I'm not looking. But the main thing is, one of these kids would have to have the ability to tear shit up in case of any threat to scientifically examine them or use them for evil. And Gabby, she can destroy things, like the whole house in a matter of seconds. The important thing is, she's the kid who is always saying, "Don't knock over the lego tower," meaning, she's cautious about her destruction.

Solma, my middle kid, the one who is a Princess, who can't speak to you without bowing, sticking her finger over her head, and doing some little ballerina dance move ending in a girly pose, the one who listens the best of all 3 kids, and the one who just needs a hug when upset... She's already strong for a kid, and she will knock a kid out, no remorse because she won't do that unless it's justified in her mind that the kid or sibling deserved it. Anyway, I'd give her powers to heal people. That way, she can knock people out all she wants.

Annie, my youngest, she's the genius, the master of communication, and will use cute faces, guilt, and a little deception to manipulate you into almost anything including giving her a 5th popsicle, which is a super human power in of itself... I'd give her invisibility, but she loves being the center of attention, so I don't think she'd appreciate that one so much. Anyway, one of the kids would need to tap into some form of guidance. Where would the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles be without Splinter? Fat from overdosing on pizza. That's where they'd be. And the kid capable of communicating well to others is probably going to be doing most of the leading, even though the other two are pretty stubborn. Either way, I'd give her the ability to communicate effectively with God, Jesus Christ, and only God (no other spirits because the last thing she needs is to hear voices confusing her). Basically, she'd have super wisdom, super clarity, and a super ability to do the right thing. And with that would come the ability to speak any language including talk to animals, but only when she wants to, not to a point of annoyance.