Superhuman Friends, Hypothetically Speaking

Welcome to a Secret Subject Swap. This week, 12 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts.

My “Secret Subject” is:

If you could create a super human best friend, and give them three super human powers... what powers do you give them and why?

It was submitted by: http://berghamchronicles.blogspot.com/     

If I could create a superhuman best friend, I would need a template of a friend, and there is nothing better for that than a dog because humans are too temperamental, and their savage instinct can anytime consume them and they can and will snap on you. They are too wild to be domesticated. Of course, I'm not sure how giving a dog superhuman powers would work, because they'd be more superdog powers, and I don't really want to live in an Air Bud sequel.

I'd consider a cat because they bathe themselves and can sneak in places easier, and they totally smell better, but I'm almost certain if cats could talk, they'd probably say, "Fuck off," a lot more frequently than my kids say, "Mommy?" and that guy on South Park says, "mmmkay?"

I think the reason I'm at a loss of a friendship template is that friendship is one of those words where I don't think it means what I think it means. I really kind of thought, for most of my life, maybe because I was naive, that a friendship meant you had an extended family member where it's like a legion to tackle on life's difficulties together, as well as celebrate those rare moments of glory together. Basically, someone to hold your hand through every argument with your husband or mother. Someone who brings tampons to you at 3AM because you ran out and you have no money (I've done that before for a friend). Someone you call at any hour for a ride home because you are too drunk to drive, and they might pick you up from a bar in their pajamas (I've done that before too). Someone who will watch your kids when they are hungry, in need of a bath, and hyper on sugar because you need a couple hours to sleep (I've done that before too). Someone who knows everything going on in your life before anyone else does because you talk that often together. Basically, the person who knows which kid of yours has the nastiest diaper, where you keep your toilet paper, and whether or not you really are a whore.

But in real life, friendship is more of a convenience. People, for the most part, just use people. And sometimes you go from being someone's friend to being a depreciated asset, meaning you served your useful life for that person and they have since upgraded to something more in tune with their current needs. Anymore, if you want someone to babysit your kids, wait until someone needs something, and then bargain like Donald Trump, "Yeah sure I can give you 20 dollars to help you with gas, just stop by and get it any time," and when they come back, "Oh, well I have to go hit an ATM to get the money, can you watch my kids while I'm gone?" and then take 3 hours to go to the ATM because ha. Sucka you will earn that 20 fucking dollars. Now that's modern era friendship.

So if I had the ability to dabble in the art of being God enough to give a friend super powers, wow. Not sure who I'd pick and what I'd give them. Honestly, if you ask me that question, you'd think I'd be more concerned with what powers to give someone than who to give those powers to, so now I feel like that kid who is trying to pick a kid to be on their team in kickball, you know, with the antsy adrenaline rush from the power bestowed upon them as they decide who is "cool" enough to include and in the process, who to exclude for the time being. And there's a reason I was never a kickball team captain...

IF I chose my husband, as he is the closest thing to a best friend I have, I'd give him the following super powers:

1. Super Hearing and Listening abilities: He's half deaf, and uses that as an excuse a lot to ignore me completely, especially when it's really important like, "Hey we only have like 20 bucks in the account because I paid bills," so he hears, "Hey, you have 20 bucks to spend on itunes."

2. That thing Mary Poppins does, where she snaps her fingers and shit cleans itself up. Yeah. Not that this is a selfish bestowing of powers or anything. I mean I really do enjoy bending over and manually picking up after everyone in this house, all day, every day, for the rest of my life.

3. The ability to fly and be bullet proof just because he always wanted to be a pilot in the Air Force, and he jumped the gun and enlisted instead of finishing college and commissioning. Plus this way, he can get home from work faster, and we'd save a shit ton of money on gas. Now we just need to invent headphones that can withstand the wind so he can listen to his music while he flies. Oh, why bullet proof you ask? We live in West Virginia. Someone would freak out that a human is flying and try to shoot it down... "Get off my property. No Trespassing on my air space." Not only that, but since my husband is Puerto Rican, they'd probably think the Mexicans have discovered a new way to cross the border.

But I probably wouldn't choose my husband. I'd be thinking, my real best friends are my kids... I have 3 girls really close in age. If I could swing making them all bullet proof, fall proof, and basically immune to injury so that the only way death could touch them is with old age in addition to giving them 3 superhuman powers... This is how I'd create a force to reckon with... And these are my friends I totally made myself, in my tummy, the fruit of my lady loins... 

Gabby, my oldest, the one who is fearless and will dive out the window head first just for the thrill if I'd let her, the one with a fierce determination that I hope I will some day appreciate when she's an adult, she would get super strength without bulky arms, like Shera. Of course, I'd have to invest in a lot of refrigerators because that's her door of preference to slam when she's pissed off. I'd give her super speed, but she's the type to run without paying attention to where she's going, so I'd be afraid she'd get herself lost too easy with that. No superspeed for this kid without GPS. Then there's powers like ability to crawl on walls? Um I think she already does that when I'm not looking. But the main thing is, one of these kids would have to have the ability to tear shit up in case of any threat to scientifically examine them or use them for evil. And Gabby, she can destroy things, like the whole house in a matter of seconds. The important thing is, she's the kid who is always saying, "Don't knock over the lego tower," meaning, she's cautious about her destruction.

Solma, my middle kid, the one who is a Princess, who can't speak to you without bowing, sticking her finger over her head, and doing some little ballerina dance move ending in a girly pose, the one who listens the best of all 3 kids, and the one who just needs a hug when upset... She's already strong for a kid, and she will knock a kid out, no remorse because she won't do that unless it's justified in her mind that the kid or sibling deserved it. Anyway, I'd give her powers to heal people. That way, she can knock people out all she wants.

Annie, my youngest, she's the genius, the master of communication, and will use cute faces, guilt, and a little deception to manipulate you into almost anything including giving her a 5th popsicle, which is a super human power in of itself... I'd give her invisibility, but she loves being the center of attention, so I don't think she'd appreciate that one so much. Anyway, one of the kids would need to tap into some form of guidance. Where would the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles be without Splinter? Fat from overdosing on pizza. That's where they'd be. And the kid capable of communicating well to others is probably going to be doing most of the leading, even though the other two are pretty stubborn. Either way, I'd give her the ability to communicate effectively with God, Jesus Christ, and only God (no other spirits because the last thing she needs is to hear voices confusing her). Basically, she'd have super wisdom, super clarity, and a super ability to do the right thing. And with that would come the ability to speak any language including talk to animals, but only when she wants to, not to a point of annoyance.

And then my kids would protect the city of Townsville from evil monkeys. 

Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts. Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:

Baking In A Tornado

The Momisodes

Spatulas on Parade

Stacy Sews and Schools

Sparkly Poetic Weirdo

Confessions of a part-time working mom

Dates 2 Diapers 2

Crumpets and Bollocks

Climaxed

Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

Someone Else’s Genius

The Bergham’s Life Chronicles