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Crumpets and Bollocks: How Twinkies Could Change the World and Amazing Things My Body Has Done

How Twinkies Could Change the World and Amazing Things My Body Has Done


I'm in TWO HOPS today, not like beer hops, like blog hops. The thing where I ask you to invest your entire day, in the name of your sanity, reading blogs. Secret Subject Swap has a different topic for each blogger, and Finish the Sentence Friday has the same for everyone. Please grab a cup of your favorite adult beverage and check them out if you get a chance, drop a comment, and give some social media luv humps for your favorites.




Your “Secret Subject” is:
What's the one thing you would do to change the world?
It was submitted by: http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/       


I always have said, for years, if I ever run into a genie in a magic lamp, my world peace wish would be that all the cum tastes like the cream filling of a Twinkie, and it doesn't make you fat, and ingesting it would cure cancer. Why? Blow jobs suck. Literally and figuratively. With the word of one wish, I'd increase worldwide happiness and joy making oral sex more pleasurable for both parties involved. I may not be able to completely stop the violence as humans will always have violent tendencies. You just can't remove the savage beast from a wild animal, no matter how much you domesticate it. But overall happiness would greatly improve by increasing oral sex. I just hope it's not really a sin like the Bible suggests because a healthy sex life is a healthy psyche, but I don't want to damn the world in the name of Freudian Health Care.

The only downfall to this wish is that men would stop enjoying blow jobs like they do now. In regular society, men bitch every time a woman hits PMS. They avoid her because they don't want to deal with insane mood swings or absurd bitchiness. If I had my wish, what would happen is you'd find men during that week hunkered down in a corner hiding, protecting his jewels with the cup of his hand, as his woman is wandering around, "I want my twinkie!" Cmon now, you know PMS would be the time we'd crave that cock like it's chocolate or ranch dressing. They would eventually get sick of blow jobs. It would become a charity deal. "Ok you can suck my pocket rocket, but only because I care about you and your health." We'd be paying more money for jack-off juice, and there would be a black market of it where once you go black, you never go back. It would probably sell for more than cocaine, and the FBI would thoroughly enjoy catching people red-handed. 

So blow jobs would still suck, but cancer would bite it. Don't freak. We'd find a way to give it to kids without the grossness of sex, which coincidentally makes kids.

If magic wasn't involved, and I didn't have children, I'd probably become a corporate hitman. I'd take some companies down in takeover just for the money so I can afford some mercenaries, but then I'd reinvest it into taking down the corporations trying to take over the world in all the conspiracy theories like Pinky and the Brain. I'd literally TAKE the power back. Then I'd rebuild them with normal people, like people who care about their water being safe and not fucking over a country for a bigger bonus.

See below for links in this hop.



Finish the Sentence Friday
The most amazing thing my body has done is... (Ruchira Khanna)

1. I can lick my own elbows.

2. I used to wrap my legs around my neck and walk on my hands.

3. Before the onslaught of my ass, I could escape out of handcuffs in less than 30 seconds. Totally made me a dom in bondage scenarios.

4. One time I hacked up a huge bright green loogie that impressed me, but not as much as crapping out a turd the size of a baseball. Those moments make you wonder why anal sex  and deep throating is so uncomfortable.  

5. In the military, I had to walk a gauntlet of vaccinations. I mean, you stood in line with your t-shirt rolled up over your shoulder and your pants un-buttoned halfway off your ass. You took a step forward and 2 shots in the arm. Another step, and another 2 shots in the arm. Another step, and a Penicillin shot in the ass, and for those who never had that done, let's just say bikini wax sounds delightful after having a needle the size of a fang shoved into your skin inserting what felt like venom into your veins leaving a bruise-like knot that sent pain shooting through all attached nerves for a few hours. The military was so sympathetic to all of us in pain that they made us run a couple miles in boots and utz (combat uniform). 

6. About every other day, I do something so uncoordinated, you'd think it was orchestrated and I was the most talented individual you ever met. Like for instance, I can drop a piece of chocolate because I missed my mouth, and it can bounce off my boobs, onto a table, off my knee and land in the opening of a can of soda. While you think that's amazing, I'm thinking, "Damn, I really wanted to eat that." I can also trip over something, catch my balance landing my left foot on a piece of paper that slides me into a perfect split. One time, I was walking into the kitchen, and as I approached the area I keep my mop and bucket, the mop slipped right as I was walking by it, like not even seconds before I was there, and I walked right into the stick of the mop with enough force to knock the mop up out of the bucket and directly into my face. Another time, I was carrying in each kid one by one late at night in the rain, and as I walked out to get the last kid out of the car, I could hear her crying. So I of course started to run her way, jumping off the curb, landing on a pebble, spraining my ankle as I dove into a mud puddle head first. Then I carried her in on a softball sized swollen ankle, and went back out for the groceries carrying that in without ever looking at my ankle to see the damage. It still hurts to this day. 

7. I can eat a whole pie in one sitting.

8. I have stayed awake for 72 hours straight, slept 4 hours, and then pulled another 72 hours. I did this for a month. 

9. One time I was wrestling this Marine, and he grabbed my wrist and twisted it in a way that sent shooting pain down my arm, and I reacted by flipping up on a table next to us, freeing my hand, flipping off the table behind him, and then I grabbed the back of his head and yanked him down to the ground, catching him before he hit. This all happened in the blink of an eye, and I have no idea how I did it. No idea where it came from. Maybe I just watch too much Jet Li. Another time I was wrestling a 3rd degree blackbelt, and he had me pinned down. I was on my stomach, and he was on my back holding my legs down with one hand, my hands down with another hand, and he dug his chin into my spine. I flapped like a fish and we flew off the sofa 3 feet over with a walk breaking the fall about 3 to 4 feet up in the air. He dumped me after that swearing I was possessed with the devil. 

10. Three times now, probably the most amazing thing my body has done, my vagina crapped out a wad of baby. Yes, I made a tiny human. I worked really hard at making that, and had loads of fun. 






Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts. Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:

Baking In A Tornado
The Momisodes
Spatulas on Parade
Stacy Sews and Schools
Sparkly Poetic Weirdo
Confessions of a part-time working mom
Crumpets and Bollocks
Climaxed
Dinosaur Superhero Mommy
Someone Else’s Genius
The Bergham’s Life Chronicles
Juicebox Confession
Evil Joy Speaks
Follow Me Home









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Crumpets and Bollocks: How Twinkies Could Change the World and Amazing Things My Body Has Done

Thursday, August 7, 2014

How Twinkies Could Change the World and Amazing Things My Body Has Done


I'm in TWO HOPS today, not like beer hops, like blog hops. The thing where I ask you to invest your entire day, in the name of your sanity, reading blogs. Secret Subject Swap has a different topic for each blogger, and Finish the Sentence Friday has the same for everyone. Please grab a cup of your favorite adult beverage and check them out if you get a chance, drop a comment, and give some social media luv humps for your favorites.




Your “Secret Subject” is:
What's the one thing you would do to change the world?
It was submitted by: http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/       


I always have said, for years, if I ever run into a genie in a magic lamp, my world peace wish would be that all the cum tastes like the cream filling of a Twinkie, and it doesn't make you fat, and ingesting it would cure cancer. Why? Blow jobs suck. Literally and figuratively. With the word of one wish, I'd increase worldwide happiness and joy making oral sex more pleasurable for both parties involved. I may not be able to completely stop the violence as humans will always have violent tendencies. You just can't remove the savage beast from a wild animal, no matter how much you domesticate it. But overall happiness would greatly improve by increasing oral sex. I just hope it's not really a sin like the Bible suggests because a healthy sex life is a healthy psyche, but I don't want to damn the world in the name of Freudian Health Care.

The only downfall to this wish is that men would stop enjoying blow jobs like they do now. In regular society, men bitch every time a woman hits PMS. They avoid her because they don't want to deal with insane mood swings or absurd bitchiness. If I had my wish, what would happen is you'd find men during that week hunkered down in a corner hiding, protecting his jewels with the cup of his hand, as his woman is wandering around, "I want my twinkie!" Cmon now, you know PMS would be the time we'd crave that cock like it's chocolate or ranch dressing. They would eventually get sick of blow jobs. It would become a charity deal. "Ok you can suck my pocket rocket, but only because I care about you and your health." We'd be paying more money for jack-off juice, and there would be a black market of it where once you go black, you never go back. It would probably sell for more than cocaine, and the FBI would thoroughly enjoy catching people red-handed. 

So blow jobs would still suck, but cancer would bite it. Don't freak. We'd find a way to give it to kids without the grossness of sex, which coincidentally makes kids.

If magic wasn't involved, and I didn't have children, I'd probably become a corporate hitman. I'd take some companies down in takeover just for the money so I can afford some mercenaries, but then I'd reinvest it into taking down the corporations trying to take over the world in all the conspiracy theories like Pinky and the Brain. I'd literally TAKE the power back. Then I'd rebuild them with normal people, like people who care about their water being safe and not fucking over a country for a bigger bonus.

See below for links in this hop.



Finish the Sentence Friday
The most amazing thing my body has done is... (Ruchira Khanna)

1. I can lick my own elbows.

2. I used to wrap my legs around my neck and walk on my hands.

3. Before the onslaught of my ass, I could escape out of handcuffs in less than 30 seconds. Totally made me a dom in bondage scenarios.

4. One time I hacked up a huge bright green loogie that impressed me, but not as much as crapping out a turd the size of a baseball. Those moments make you wonder why anal sex  and deep throating is so uncomfortable.  

5. In the military, I had to walk a gauntlet of vaccinations. I mean, you stood in line with your t-shirt rolled up over your shoulder and your pants un-buttoned halfway off your ass. You took a step forward and 2 shots in the arm. Another step, and another 2 shots in the arm. Another step, and a Penicillin shot in the ass, and for those who never had that done, let's just say bikini wax sounds delightful after having a needle the size of a fang shoved into your skin inserting what felt like venom into your veins leaving a bruise-like knot that sent pain shooting through all attached nerves for a few hours. The military was so sympathetic to all of us in pain that they made us run a couple miles in boots and utz (combat uniform). 

6. About every other day, I do something so uncoordinated, you'd think it was orchestrated and I was the most talented individual you ever met. Like for instance, I can drop a piece of chocolate because I missed my mouth, and it can bounce off my boobs, onto a table, off my knee and land in the opening of a can of soda. While you think that's amazing, I'm thinking, "Damn, I really wanted to eat that." I can also trip over something, catch my balance landing my left foot on a piece of paper that slides me into a perfect split. One time, I was walking into the kitchen, and as I approached the area I keep my mop and bucket, the mop slipped right as I was walking by it, like not even seconds before I was there, and I walked right into the stick of the mop with enough force to knock the mop up out of the bucket and directly into my face. Another time, I was carrying in each kid one by one late at night in the rain, and as I walked out to get the last kid out of the car, I could hear her crying. So I of course started to run her way, jumping off the curb, landing on a pebble, spraining my ankle as I dove into a mud puddle head first. Then I carried her in on a softball sized swollen ankle, and went back out for the groceries carrying that in without ever looking at my ankle to see the damage. It still hurts to this day. 

7. I can eat a whole pie in one sitting.

8. I have stayed awake for 72 hours straight, slept 4 hours, and then pulled another 72 hours. I did this for a month. 

9. One time I was wrestling this Marine, and he grabbed my wrist and twisted it in a way that sent shooting pain down my arm, and I reacted by flipping up on a table next to us, freeing my hand, flipping off the table behind him, and then I grabbed the back of his head and yanked him down to the ground, catching him before he hit. This all happened in the blink of an eye, and I have no idea how I did it. No idea where it came from. Maybe I just watch too much Jet Li. Another time I was wrestling a 3rd degree blackbelt, and he had me pinned down. I was on my stomach, and he was on my back holding my legs down with one hand, my hands down with another hand, and he dug his chin into my spine. I flapped like a fish and we flew off the sofa 3 feet over with a walk breaking the fall about 3 to 4 feet up in the air. He dumped me after that swearing I was possessed with the devil. 

10. Three times now, probably the most amazing thing my body has done, my vagina crapped out a wad of baby. Yes, I made a tiny human. I worked really hard at making that, and had loads of fun. 






Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts. Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:

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