How Twinkies Could Change the World and Amazing Things My Body Has Done

I'm in TWO HOPS today, not like beer hops, like blog hops. The thing where I ask you to invest your entire day, in the name of your sanity, reading blogs. Secret Subject Swap has a different topic for each blogger, and Finish the Sentence Friday has the same for everyone. Please grab a cup of your favorite adult beverage and check them out if you get a chance, drop a comment, and give some social media luv humps for your favorites.

Your “Secret Subject” is:

What's the one thing you would do to change the world?

It was submitted by: http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/       

I always have said, for years, if I ever run into a genie in a magic lamp, my world peace wish would be that all the cum tastes like the cream filling of a Twinkie, and it doesn't make you fat, and ingesting it would cure cancer. Why? Blow jobs suck. Literally and figuratively. With the word of one wish, I'd increase worldwide happiness and joy making oral sex more pleasurable for both parties involved. I may not be able to completely stop the violence as humans will always have violent tendencies. You just can't remove the savage beast from a wild animal, no matter how much you domesticate it. But overall happiness would greatly improve by increasing oral sex. I just hope it's not really a sin like the Bible suggests because a healthy sex life is a healthy psyche, but I don't want to damn the world in the name of Freudian Health Care.

The only downfall to this wish is that men would stop enjoying blow jobs like they do now. In regular society, men bitch every time a woman hits PMS. They avoid her because they don't want to deal with insane mood swings or absurd bitchiness. If I had my wish, what would happen is you'd find men during that week hunkered down in a corner hiding, protecting his jewels with the cup of his hand, as his woman is wandering around, "I want my twinkie!" Cmon now, you know PMS would be the time we'd crave that cock like it's chocolate or ranch dressing. They would eventually get sick of blow jobs. It would become a charity deal. "Ok you can suck my pocket rocket, but only because I care about you and your health." We'd be paying more money for jack-off juice, and there would be a black market of it where once you go black, you never go back. It would probably sell for more than cocaine, and the FBI would thoroughly enjoy catching people red-handed. 

So blow jobs would still suck, but cancer would bite it. Don't freak. We'd find a way to give it to kids without the grossness of sex, which coincidentally makes kids.

If magic wasn't involved, and I didn't have children, I'd probably become a corporate hitman. I'd take some companies down in takeover just for the money so I can afford some mercenaries, but then I'd reinvest it into taking down the corporations trying to take over the world in all the conspiracy theories like Pinky and the Brain. I'd literally TAKE the power back. Then I'd rebuild them with normal people, like people who care about their water being safe and not fucking over a country for a bigger bonus.

See below for links in this hop.

Finish the Sentence Friday
The most amazing thing my body has done is... (Ruchira Khanna)

1. I can lick my own elbows.

2. I used to wrap my legs around my neck and walk on my hands.

3. Before the onslaught of my ass, I could escape out of handcuffs in less than 30 seconds. Totally made me a dom in bondage scenarios.

4. One time I hacked up a huge bright green loogie that impressed me, but not as much as crapping out a turd the size of a baseball. Those moments make you wonder why anal sex  and deep throating is so uncomfortable.  

5. In the military, I had to walk a gauntlet of vaccinations. I mean, you stood in line with your t-shirt rolled up over your shoulder and your pants un-buttoned halfway off your ass. You took a step forward and 2 shots in the arm. Another step, and another 2 shots in the arm. Another step, and a Penicillin shot in the ass, and for those who never had that done, let's just say bikini wax sounds delightful after having a needle the size of a fang shoved into your skin inserting what felt like venom into your veins leaving a bruise-like knot that sent pain shooting through all attached nerves for a few hours. The military was so sympathetic to all of us in pain that they made us run a couple miles in boots and utz (combat uniform). 

6. About every other day, I do something so uncoordinated, you'd think it was orchestrated and I was the most talented individual you ever met. Like for instance, I can drop a piece of chocolate because I missed my mouth, and it can bounce off my boobs, onto a table, off my knee and land in the opening of a can of soda. While you think that's amazing, I'm thinking, "Damn, I really wanted to eat that." I can also trip over something, catch my balance landing my left foot on a piece of paper that slides me into a perfect split. One time, I was walking into the kitchen, and as I approached the area I keep my mop and bucket, the mop slipped right as I was walking by it, like not even seconds before I was there, and I walked right into the stick of the mop with enough force to knock the mop up out of the bucket and directly into my face. Another time, I was carrying in each kid one by one late at night in the rain, and as I walked out to get the last kid out of the car, I could hear her crying. So I of course started to run her way, jumping off the curb, landing on a pebble, spraining my ankle as I dove into a mud puddle head first. Then I carried her in on a softball sized swollen ankle, and went back out for the groceries carrying that in without ever looking at my ankle to see the damage. It still hurts to this day. 

7. I can eat a whole pie in one sitting.

8. I have stayed awake for 72 hours straight, slept 4 hours, and then pulled another 72 hours. I did this for a month. 

9. One time I was wrestling this Marine, and he grabbed my wrist and twisted it in a way that sent shooting pain down my arm, and I reacted by flipping up on a table next to us, freeing my hand, flipping off the table behind him, and then I grabbed the back of his head and yanked him down to the ground, catching him before he hit. This all happened in the blink of an eye, and I have no idea how I did it. No idea where it came from. Maybe I just watch too much Jet Li. Another time I was wrestling a 3rd degree blackbelt, and he had me pinned down. I was on my stomach, and he was on my back holding my legs down with one hand, my hands down with another hand, and he dug his chin into my spine. I flapped like a fish and we flew off the sofa 3 feet over with a walk breaking the fall about 3 to 4 feet up in the air. He dumped me after that swearing I was possessed with the devil. 

10. Three times now, probably the most amazing thing my body has done, my vagina crapped out a wad of baby. Yes, I made a tiny human. I worked really hard at making that, and had loads of fun. 

Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts. Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:

Baking In A Tornado

The Momisodes

Spatulas on Parade

Stacy Sews and Schools

Sparkly Poetic Weirdo

Confessions of a part-time working mom

Crumpets and Bollocks

Climaxed

Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

Someone Else’s Genius

The Bergham’s Life Chronicles
Juicebox Confession
Evil Joy Speaks
Follow Me Home

Operation Mombie Apocalypse Bwa haha haha: Step 1

Dear Moms. it's time we tackle on that item that's been on our to-do list for centuries. It's time we take over the world. 

I know what you are thinking. You have that broom stick in your hand, and you have realized, "She's right. It is time." and with a straight face, you have set the broom stick aside to read this. Nice to have you on board. Not the ironing board. It's metaphorical to being on board ship... Glad you can join us. 

Grab your weapon of choice, whether it's wine or coffee, and let's get our game faces on. 

It's the Mombie Apocalypse

STEP 1: Occupy Industrial Design

(future steps will hopefully be inserted here as I write them... it's a series)

I'm so sick of everything I use in this house being designed by a man who has never used the contraption to be useful. Every time they "improve" on a gadget, they make it worse. 

For instance, the washing machine. Once upon a time, there was a princess who had the perfect washing machine. She was able to fill it with water first and THEN add a load (like you are supposed to, especially if you use bleach). Then she could start it anywhere in the cycle. If she had a pair of pants she wanted to wear, she could throw it in a small wash down to the last cycle to give it a good wet, soap and rinse before drying it while getting ready. If the load in the wash wasn't spinned dry enough, she could turn it on the spin for some more spin time to get it to perfection for the dryer. Those days are long gone because the knight in shining armor (idiot in tin foil) came by with a new contraption. One with an "easy button." Now the princess is stuck pushing a button to turn it on because that's supposed to be easier than pulling a knob. The door locks until it's done, so no more adding something last second without pissing off the computer. Princess is also forced into using the only 3 options they give you. No more starting things mid-cycle. No more conserving water. No more extra spin. No more loading the washing machine properly. No more adding bleach or fabric softener at the right time. 

It reminds me of poem written by Ice Cube:

"For all ya n-bombs (i'm white, I can't say it to quote it) that don't do gangsta rap
Don't get on TV talking about gangsta rap
Cause 9 times at a 10 you don't know the fuck you talk about
Talk about that bullshit rap you do
Stay the fuck out of mine"

So with that said, if I could improve upon life as a domestic engineer in the realm of industrial design and architecture, here's some things I'd do (as a mom and a woman) if I could make it happen:

1. The Dishwasher

First and foremost, household dishwashers would come standard restaurant grade dishwashers. The ones they have in most houses now, those are great for a couple, or a single person, but anyone who reproduced needs something with more Tim the Tool Man Taylor Arr Arr Arrrgh power.

I'll tell you why. The regular dishwashers (shouldn't even be called that) only fit like 1 pot or pan and enough dishes for a family of 3 for ONE MEAL. That wouldn't be so bad, but it takes about 20 dollars of your water bill and an hour of your life to wash. And then most of them suck at washing. You have to pre-wash, and then post-wash the soap off. Even if you don't use powder soap, there's a powder residue of soap and questionable black stuff.

Me, I have a family of 5, and they won't stop eating. They eat more than the Man vs Food guy. In one day, we usually dirty about a few pots... well we dirty every dish I own in a day. Using as many paper products as possible helps reduce it, but for whatever reason, it's not enough. And handwashing doesn't feel sanitary.

The restaurant grade dishwasher washes a small load in 90 seconds. Pre-washing is a blast (literally) because it's like hosing down your dishes with the garden hose on full blast, except with hot water. This should be the standard device for a dishwasher in every household. Period.

If men did dishes, this would be the standard household dishwasher...

2. A drain in the kitchen and bathroom floor.

They have it for laundry rooms and basements, a drain on the floor. But anyone with small children knows where the drain would be most useful. Kids will flood your bathroom more than God will flood your basement with rain. Period. And then there's those occasions where the children attempt to do the dishes, meaning they hose the entire kitchen down, which really isn't a bad idea like I'd rather hose the cabinets clean than wipe them down, except no drain for the water.

3. Robot Nanny

Please someone invent this. I mean, it wouldn't be designed to babysit your kids for you without supervision, that's just insane to think a robot could do that, but something that can randomly scream, "Stop fighting," every 30 seconds, and "in a minute," would save me a load of work. It would be awesome if she could play Nick Jr. on her butt, and stick her finger in an ear to take a kid's temperature. She could also have some electronic version of Candyland programmed into her, and maybe Minecraft. Just something to amuse the kids so I can write something, clean something, or take a dump.

4. Mommy's Pet

This would be my invention by imagination (as in it doesn't exist YET). It's a Furby for moms. It's designed to go with moms everywhere like a stuffed animal for kids, but it's useful. Like every time you go into the car, it asks, "I see we are in the car, where are we going?" and then it has automated responses based on your answer. Like if you say, "I'm going to the store," it would then say, "Do you have your list? Do you have your wallet? Or did you leave that with your brain by the coffee pot?" or if you say, "I'm going to take the kids to school," it would respond, "Looking like that? Do they have their backpacks? Are you wearing pants? Do you have anything on your teeth?" Or if it hears someone else say, "aww how cute, are they all yours?" it can respond, loudly, "yes, hard to believe all those came out of her vagina isn't it? We're so proud of her." And like if it hears, "My jimmie just made the honor roll, again," it can respond, "Yeah, well so did my balls."

It would have GPS capabilities so when you lose it, you can find it with your computer or phone, but also it will tell you when you missed your exit, again, because you were thinking about what you were going to cook for dinner 3 days from now. It would also help keep track of crap you say for at least 5 minutes, so when you say, "What was I thinking about?" it could answer. It might even solve the age old question of, "What did I come into this room for?" It can also keep track of schedules with alarms, whether it makes an ungodly sound to wake you up every morning, or remind you at 2:45 PM M-F that it's time to pick up the spawns from school, but it can also say, "You have a doctor's appointment today" like 10 times that day.

It would also randomly break out into song like, "The hills are alive with the Sound of Music," and somewhere, we'd have to incorporate random Michael Jackson Hee Hee's.

You should be able to find it as a cat, dog, chicken, unicorn pegasus, dragon (for goth moms), and tiger (for tiger moms). The hands would be clips so you can clip it to your outfit, backpack, purse, car, and put random things in its hands like paper with notes on it.You can also get it different outfits so you can post pictures of it on Facebook, and with the clippy hands, it would replace elf on the shelf for the rest of the year with crazy poses and notes.

It would basically be a personal assistant and a coping device in one.

5. A walk-in Refrigerator/Freezer

Not only would it store tons of food, and not only is it a haven for hot flashes, well yeah. I will need this before menopause. 

We also need to totally re-design the car. Something with more cupholders, an actual trash can, and can be hosed down between uses on the inside.... And the car seat? How about one you can also hose down and actually buckle without breaking a finger? I mean even the table lamp can be built a little more kid tough. How about a sippy cup that is actually spill proof? This is a billion dollar idea here. One of you readers need to put your entrepreneurial cap on and make this happen. You might save the world from its own destruction. Seriously, young moms do not know when to add fabric softener anymore for goodness sake.

I also had another brilliant idea, but I forgot what it was because I don't have a Mom Furby Pet.

Oh, and let's destroy any and all remnants of white carpet. It will be like when we burned bras back in the 60's.


This is just step 1 of taking over the world. We need this first because we need to do our housework and momming in half the time to make room for things like occupying the government; talk about a place that needs a mom to scream, "Stop fighting" every 30 seconds....