Don't Drop the Soap

My subject is “If you were to go to prison it would be for what crime?”. It was submitted by Outmanned Mommy. Part of the Secret Subject Swap from Baking in a Tornado. I'm really super late with this post but next time maybe...

I never went to prison before. Well, I dreamt I went to a prison before to break someone out and we drove away in a toy red wind up car. And I did visit people in prison before which wasn't anything like you see on tv, like there was no glass and phone thingy. It was just a cafeteria looking room and we sat at a table and talked. I also toured Moundsville's Penitentiary that was once featured in Ghost Adventures where I got to see how it's impossible that inmates were waving at me from the windows in my youth like I thought they were so they must of been ghosts. They were very nice ghosts to be waving hi, especially considering they could have all been inmates once upon a time, not like inmates you see today, no there were stories. Like one guy randomly stabbed another 37 times. Do you know how much effort that would take to stab someone that many times? I would be exhausted after like the 3rd one. Then some of the inmates used to pee on the floor and try to electrocute the guards walking across the pee. Considering they were stabbing and peeing everywhere, I would say waving hi from the afterlife would be an incredible act of kindness. 

So I guess HYPOTHETICALLY speaking, if I went to prison, it would be for something I did, like I would get caught. You think I would get caught? I didn't. So ha to all you haters who think I would get caught. 

Illegal Drug Sales. Back in the day before the turn of the century after the statute of limitations have expired a couple of times, I lived with some friends in a ghetto for a couple months before it ended badly in some crazy drama where all the weed smokers (it's not pot in the ghetto, pot is a hippy word) thought I was an undercover FBI agent looking for people who smoked marijuana because marijuana makes people fucking paranoid. Before they thought I was an FBI agent, my friend sold some on the side. She kept her money in shoes that didn't have a match in her closet. I don't know how people end up with unmatched shoes. I really thought that was more of a sock thing. Anyway, I'm not even old enough to legally drink at this point, and when people showed up to purchase said herbal remedies when my friend wasn't home, which by the way is legal in some states, and I was probably in one of those states, because I'm totally not going to get caught at this point... and well it would be bad business to turn people away. So there I was, fidgeting with scales (still have no idea how to accurately measure marijuana) which I'm sure was a lot like entrusting Spongebob with the Krusty Krab to make accurate change and what not, so I handled business. Yes. I was a drug dealer. I'd put it down on my resume because I think that's fabulous work experience for a position in sales, but for whatever reason, the guy at the workforce doesn't agree. I think it's because it was such a short lived job on account I could never use the scales. 

Assault with a deadly weapon with a possible self defense case. I was at a bar once, and this woman who looked like an Eskimo from Northern Exposure was claiming that Tupac was her uncle. These 3 ladies, 18ish in age probably there with a fake ID, laughed at her. So the Northern Exposure Chick, in her drunken misery as she was mourning the death of her Uncle Tupac many years after his death, lunged toward the girls ready to rip some faces off, and I caught her, pushed her back, and then my sister flew out from the crowd surrounding us and punched her in the face. For pushing me. Though she didn't push me. I pushed her, but my sister was too drunk to tell the difference. How is that assault with a deadly weapon? My hands are a deadly weapon of mass destruction, kind of like chuck norris but with boobs. My hands don't have boobs. But my hands are so deadly that hands come popping out of the crowd ready to have my back. Fortunately, my sister really can't throw a good punch so the woman probably didn't bruise. 

And there was this one time in band camp (Air Force) where I was pretending to be a Marine so I could smoke cigarettes and this one MP Marine in training was all "I can kick your ass while sitting down" and I was all, "LOL" except I didn't say LOL, I laughed, so we "wrestled." This is like my proudest moment in my life just so you know, one I DO tell on job interviews. Anyway, he was sitting down the entire time because he's a badass, and he did some weird grab my hand and twist it while pushing on some pressure points that makes your whole body twinge like Miley's twerk mixed with hitting your funny bone with a sledgehammer. I couldn't untwist my hand against his strength because I'm some little Air Force chick and he's a big bad Marine, so I untwisted with his strength flipping up on a picnic table we were at, and then I did some Jet Li shit and next thing I knew, I was behind him where I grabbed his head, yanked him backwards off his seat, and caught him before he hit the pavement. Marines called me Devil Dog that day. They were chanting it. At least according to my memory it was more like a chant. 

I also once body slammed my husband who weighs like 250 pounds (or more), and one time I was dating a guy who claimed to be a 3rd degree blackbelt and he held me down where I'm laying on my stomach and he had my legs pinned with his legs, my arms pinned with his arms, and he was digging his chin right into my spine which also is a lot like Miley's twerk mixed with smashing your funny bone with a sledge hammer, and I flapped like a fish and we both went flying into the air and the wall broke the fall, 3 feet up the wall, and he dumped me because he thought I was possessed by Satan. I think that constitutes assault. Right? Anyway....

Indecent Exposure and Public Intox. I was in tech school in the military, and I hadn't drank booze at a club for a long minute, too long for my age, so the first night I could leave base in civilian clothes, I hit a local bar/club in Missouri. I got there about midnight like I usually get to the club, and I did about 6 shots of Henney and finished the drink of some random dude, like I walked up to him, made eye contact, stole the beer from his hand, drank it and gave it back. This is what happens when you give people like me Air Force confidence for a minute. Anyway, the bar closed at like 1. Who the fuck closes a bar at 1AM? Missouri. That's why the state sounds like Misery. Anyway, the strip club was open until 4AM, but they couldn't sell booze (people were selling beers in the black market so its all good). So then 3 sheets to the wind, I get in a cab expecting to go home, sharing it with 3 random Marines, and somehow I ended up in the parking lot of the strip joint getting ready to go in with the Marines, and I flashed the cab driver for his Mardi Gras beads. The only thing I remember at the strip joint was a stripper yanking some guy onto the stage on his back, straddling across his face and masturbating. I'm not sure if it was the booze or my gutter mind, but I kind of thought it was brilliant. And she smacked him in the face with her boob. I am so glad I learned to do that from a stripper. It really comes in handy. Then the next thing I remember is I'm jogging with a horrific hangover and my Marine boyfriend was trying to make me do a pull up. I think he PT'd me hard that day just because I went out with random Marines that weren't him, to a strip joint, and flashed them. I'm not sure what's so bad about that. He makes it sound like I let them buy me a drink. 

I also once killed the guy who invented LED headlights in my mind, but I'm not sure what he looked like so it was just a dark shadowy figure. I disposed of the body in a cave somewhere deep in Mordor so every time a hobbit shows up with Elvish light juice, his ghost goes blind. 

Of course, my worst most heinous act I ever committed that I'm totally shocked and amazed I'm not serving time for... Besides jay walking... My driving. It's horrid. My idea of a complete stop is totally different than my drivers ed teacher's idea of a complete stop. So is my idea of a road, like grass is just a road before it becomes a road so it's the same thing. One time in Wyoming, I was driving to work in the middle of a tornado hurricane and almost ended up in Oz. The sirens were going off for flooding, and it was hailing gumballs. 25 cent gumballs, not 10 cent ones. Those are some big cojones for Mother Nature. Anyway, outside the mall area was a guy walking in that high wind gumball flooding rain. Seriously? Dude couldn't wait 20 minutes for the hail to at least stop? So of course, I pulled over and offered him a ride. I was so pregnant too with my first kid. He made me drive him out to the middle of no where to drop him off at home, which would have taken him a day to make by foot, like the walk would have had to have felt like Moses leading people to the promise land it was that far away. I'm not really from Wyoming, so getting lost was really easy for me to do, and I was lost. At one point, I could see the road I needed to be on, but I couldn't find a way to that road. So I drove through a muddy field. If you own a muddy field in Wyoming and wondered who drove through it and why, that was me. Thank you for letting me borrow your property. I swear I wrote this before...

Now if I could do something illegal, I'd probably rob a bank, but it would be embezzling money back into everyone's account. I've also thought about sending the schools a computer virus to remove the permanent records everyone's label is based upon. And I thought about running for office before, but those criminals don't really serve a prison sentence. I also had a diabolical scheme to take over the world by inserting computer chips in people, but apparently, the New World Order already beat me to it. Bastards. I also thought about world domination via opening a chain of cheap unhealthy greasy foods, but that's just too cliche. I retired from world domination when Pinky and the Brain left the circle of trust. I'd also love to be a mercenary that doesn't kill people. But that's not really illegal is it? Maybe a corporate assassin, like you pay me to make a corporation go bankrupt. I'd do Sprint for free though. You know, to build a portfolio.

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