I was Mistaken, several times.

It's secret subject swap time, and my secret subject is:

Tell us about a mistake you keep making over and over again...
Given to me by Baking in a Tornado 

Well now, do you want that in alphabetical order? Or chronological order? How about random because I love Quantum Mechanics...

1. Facebook

I can't stop myself from "checking my facebook real quick." Here's an analogy for the SAT or ACT. Making out is to unspeakable acts like checking my facebook real quick is to...  hours wasted behind the computer complete with guilt for not living up to the expectations of a woman (in this case, doing housework). I know when I check facebook there is no such thing as "real quick." I know this. But I do it anyway swearing this time it's going to be different. Nevermind, Moms Who Drink and Swear posted something I have to read.

2. Money

Pay day is like winning the lottery day, and I get so excited about it, I spend it on things like, "We just got paid I can afford this," and "Why not?" There's also, "The kids really did need this," and "We don't do this often enough we should go all out." All that is followed by, "We can pay half of that bill this week and the other half next week," and "Maybe we can pawn something for electricity." The sad thing is I was a bookkeeper. People actually once paid me by the hour to handle their millions of dollars. I didn't fuck up their money like I do my own.

I know we can afford our life if I can manage to live the life we can afford. It doesn't matter if we make more money... That won't change it. I'll just get Outback steaks more often than fast food, and buy the name brand instead of the generic, and shop at places where it's more expensive...

To make it more sad, I buy things I don't know what to do with them. I had been eyeballing those huge vases you put on a floor that comes up to your waist; Walmart had this one for 30 bucks. I wouldn't pay 30 for it. I watched it go on clearance for 25, and then 20. But when it hit 5 dollars, I bought two of them. I have no place for them. I gave them away to a friend.

3. Cleaning

I do this thing where I tell myself, "I don't need to clean that, it's not that bad. It can wait until tomorrow." Then the next thing I know, it looks like Thing 1 and Thing 2 popped out of a Dr. Seuss book and shat all over the place to where cleaning it would be an all day, maybe all week, event. Then I get behind all together and can't keep up until I find some way to get it looking decent again. All because I was like, "It's not that bad."

The issue with this is I get autism overwhelm. That means what I'm about to explain is a very normal feeling for everyone, but it's heightened with me. If I walk into a room to clean it, and I assess the situation and see it will probably take an hour to clean tops, I jump in like nothing. But if I walk into a room to clean it, and I assess the situation and see it will take days, tears, sweat and maybe some blood, then I walk out. Sit down because I need to cope. And then avoid it like it's a PTSD trigger. There have been times I make someone else clean a room enough so I can go in and clean it.

On the flip side, my old neighbor has OCD, and really bad like she feels guilty from it. She has no problem cleaning a very clean house, which is why her house is always clean. She's thinking about going to therapy for it.

4. The dark voices

This one my shrink talked about with me, and he's right. I listen to all the dark voices in my life... the negative criticism. The "don't try to do that because you can't do it," and don't forget, "It's not that important if it means something to you..." stuff people say to me that I say to myself that I unfortunately agree with. This one is complicated because it's like my conscious brain knows they are wrong. My conscious brain will tell you I'm beautiful the way I am, but there's that subconscious part that would swear I'm fat. The subconscious part society trained to shit like Pavlov trained his dog to drool.

It's really sad how words like, "Do you really think that was a good idea?" will echo in your mind over and over again, days after the person said it, and evolve into, "that was the dumbest fucking idea imaginable and you are stupid for not only thinking of it, but thinking it was worthy of your time to attempt." It's almost like you are the leader of your hater club, one you have to at some point tell to shut the fuck up.

5. My car keys.

I have a basket for the car keys. Do I put the keys in that basket? No. Do I know where my keys are? No. Will I flip my shit over losing those stupid keys trying to walk out the door while herding kids like sheep? Damn right.

I know a make a gazillion other mistakes repeatedly, but part of the reason I do that is I have the memory of a goldfish thanks to Mom Syndrome. That in of itself is a perpetual mistake, like the load in my washing machine I've washed 3 times without drying, but it's also the reason I keep making mistakes because I learn from a mistake and then forget the whole thing ever happened. What happens yesterday stays in yesterday.