Suffer from Chronic Lateness? Take 2 Fukitols and call me LATER.

Before you think this blog is about this picture, it is, but in a FUCK THIS PICTURE sort of way. I don't agree with this picture. 

I'll see you later! When I say that, I actually mean that. Later. I'm always late.

I'm starting a new policy. I have policies. They are rules I make up for my life, some involve the house and children like most people. No jumping on the beds. One person at a time on the trampoline. I also have them for my life that has nothing to do with the children. I do this so I can hide behind them. I never buy anything on the telephone. Sorry telemarketer, it's a policy. Nothing I can do about it. You are talking to the wrong person. I don't make the policy. (Yes I do).

I am starting a new policy on how I handle being late.

Now first I should take a second to explain something about the Myer Briggs for some perspective. Most people have heard of it but still a little lost on it. Some have no idea what the fuck it is. It's a personality test, one of the best out there. It's often referenced alongside other personality tests, and most scholarly studies usually choose the Myers Briggs to measure personality when relevant. What it does? It measures where you are on a scale (spectrum like place) between two juxtaposing concepts on 4 different concepts.

The first one is introvert vs extrovert. It's the most famous, and the most misunderstood (probably a result of the fame). Regardless of what they mean, very rare do you find someone who is completely introverted or completely extroverted. It's more like a scale, from 1 to 10, with 1 being an introvert and ten being an extrovert. Some people are a 2, some are an 8, some are more a 4.7283. Ideally you want to be in the middle. That balance is pretty ideal when it comes to mental health.

So with that said, the Myers Briggs also measures sensing vs feeling, intuition vs thinking, and judging vs perceiving. Really, if you don't know this test, read that as A vs B, C vs D, and E vs F because your definition of these words is probably nothing like the Myers Briggs definition. The one I'm most interested in discussing for this topic is judging vs perceiving.

For a thorough investigation on the subject of Judging/Perceiving for you to decide where you fall, click this sentence.

To sum up, Judging people are very rigid, schedule oriented, and kind of close minded and bossy. Perceiving people are flexible, spontaneous, and kind of flaky and undependable. I am actually amazed when I look at these statistics that the population is pretty close to 50/50 on judging and perceiving. I thought for sure the judging population drastically outnumbered the perceiving population, as opposed to a slight increase. The reason I think that is we are in a very judging world. Society, in America at least, is very judging oriented. I'm guessing now that might be because the judging people are so bossy.

Other statistics I found interesting, irrelevant to this post, the biggest spikes in stats. For all people, 73.3 percent is sensing with 26.7 percent intuition. That makes sense. Most people need to see it or feel it to believe it. Most men are thinking than women, and most women are feeling compared to men. That is where the stereotype of women being emotional and acting on feelings as opposed to logic comes into play. Interesting. 

Anyway, the point of this. If someone wasn't an asshole, they'd understand that schedule preference is a personality trait. Some of us, like myself, are perceiving people, actually 45.9% of the population is perceiving. They like to keep options open. They like spontaneity. They don't like being rushed. I can make my own picture...

So my new policy is...

When I'm running late for something as usual, if the person is a person who is understanding, I work really hard to get there as soon as I possibly can. If the person is not understanding but instead a narcissistic asshole who is all, "You being late is disrespectful because it's all about ME, and MY schedule, and MY feelings nevermind any regard for you," I shall call and cancel.

Why? Let me tell you why.

Kids have no concept of YOUR schedule or MINE. I'm a mom. I take care of kids. Even if I'm not bringing my kids with me, I can't really get ready and walk out the door without taking care of kids, even if there is someone else here helping because I AM the go-to person for the kids' needs, and someone else is generally very lazy and prefers to wait until I leave to actually have to function at all. Ever so often, someone else watching the kids will notice I'm trying to leave to be on time for something and the kids want food, so they offer to make the kids food, or a kid wants to jump in the shower with me and they redirect the kid to some other activity. Most of the time, I don't have that person, and I could stand in the shower with soap in my hair until the water runs cold arguing with a kid and dealing with the temper tantrum that results from my "no" longer than i could if I let the kid jump in, wash the kid as well, dry off kid as well, brush kid's hair, put on lotion on the kid, and dress the kid. Either way, both contribute to me running late.

It doesn't matter what time I start because my kids, like most kids, are designed to fill in the gaps. I want a juice. Thank you for the juice, now I want a snack. I know you are making my snack, and don't stop doing that, but get me a paper towel because I just spilled the juice, and I need another juice too. And then another kid screams, "Mommy I peed on the floor by accident!" and then requests a snack and juice and the third kid is like, "A snack? I'm hungry!" And mom is naked, staring at the clock thinking "Shit I'm late," and the kids are all crying...

That's how it always is. That example doesn't happen once a year. It happens 5 times a day, and the likelihood of that happening as I'm trying to get ready to meet you is more probable than not.

And don't tell me, "But you chose the time to meet me, we both should abide by the verbal contract." No. I did not. I don't want to meet you at any specific time. I want to find a way to meet around ISH. I'd rather stop by somewhere where you already are so I can get my ISH. Or if it's something that can be done over the phone or email, I'd rather that. No, the pick a time and be there at that time is YOUR decision. Not mine.

When I was single, I could do it. No problem. I will venture away from my comfort zone on your behalf. I don't mind a little inconvenience to suit your preference. But I'm not going to inconvenience myself beyond a little on your behalf when the you is a you who can't inconvenience yourself just a little for my behalf.

I no longer will rush for someone who doesn't deserve it. I no longer will suffer panic attacks every time a light turns red, or a person is driving 20 mph under the speed limit in front of me who I cannot pass, or when a kid spills a juice everywhere, or when I realize I need gas, or all 3 kids have to pee after I just buckled them in the car... I no longer will risk my life and the life of my kids driving like a crazed maniac speeding (also at risk of a ticket) to try to save the 5 minutes you are waiting on me. Nobody, not even the Queen of England, is worth that, especially if they are shallow enough to base a judgement of my character on something as meaningless as the time.

When I'm already running late, I have two options. I can be late. Or I can cancel. Both will insult the person waiting on me just the same. But in my case, one requires me to lose my motherfucking mind, and the other is a weight off my shoulders. Fuck you is the best option for me. So when I'm running late for those who have no respect for me or understanding of my life and my needs, those people will get the fuck you.

Now keep in mind, I do sometimes run late because I was on Facebook, or because I overslept. Shit happens. These are things I can control, and I will try to control it, and that's ALL I will focus on. If it's not in my control, I'm going with it. Riding the wave. Wherever the tide takes me. If it fucks you over and you are respectful of me, I'm sorry.

If it fucks you over and you are not respectful of me...

Edited to add, really the late thing is a battle between who is more important. It's human alpha-doggism at its finest. This is why a lot of people who show up on time for their appointment with their doctor wait in the waiting room for an hour; however, if they were more than 15 minutes late, they'd have to reschedule. If you put up with that shit, your doctor is more alpha dog than you.

MOM Syndrome: How to treat a crazy that defies medicine and freudian stuff

I suffer from what I call MOM Syndrome. The crazy. Coping with that life long sentence of insanity you get the moment the pregnancy test comes out positive… I actually want a t-shirt for it, which is funny because I have these cafepress stores, and I have yet, at the time of writing this, made one. I will soon, and the reason? Not one of those, "I pooped out 3 kids and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" deal. No...  You know how they have those little cards you can print up, and some people do, that say something like, "Sorry my kid has autism" and you hand them to strangers when your kid starts acting autistic (meltdowns) in public? It's like that. When I start acting all MOM in public, like a person who probably needs a straight jacket and padded walls, it would be nice to direct people to a simple explanation for it, you know, before they start admitting me into the funny farm. Now you are thinking, "Who gives a fuck what people think?" I really don't when I'm at Walmart, but when I'm at a doctor's office or my kid's school, okay I do give a fuck, like they need to know that I'm crazy because I try to be a good mom, and the fact that they are not crazy is a sign they either don't have children or they have a lot of help with it. 

OLD BLOG ON WHAT MOM SYNDROME IS

But the coping with this crazy? How do we do it? It's not like we get a shrink for it, and most of us self medicate. Those of us who do get prescribed help, it usually only curbs the anxiety, which I'm sure makes a little dent into the insanity, you know, like washing a dish or two in a hot mess disaster kitchen. 

I know some moms like my grandmother and my mother in law, both of which are/were in environments where the women did ALL the work and their men were completely useless when it came to the household, they turned to alcohol. I should probably say ABUSE of self medicated drugs... My grandmother started drinking at noon. My mother in law usually waits until 3PM. I don't know how they did/do it because like I couldn't function if you took away my ability to drive. And for those who are curious why I keep referring to my grandmother in past tense, she passed away Christmas of 1998, liver failure. 

Mary Tyler Mom beatme to a little of this subject. She says it well. For her mother, it was valium. It was not something she abused like my grandmother did alcohol, but it was her coping strategy for those really crazy days. Moms today, many of us turn to Facebook. It's our valium. And we probably abuse it more than the 70's moms ever considered trying with valium.

I don't think it's just Facebook. I think a lot of us moms are looking for a healthy outlet for our crazy, and the internet becomes it.

It's convenient. You don't have to get everyone dressed and load up a car and fuck with sadistic car seats in order to go talk to someone. Even better, chat and messaging allows for the kids to be screaming in the background and the taking a break to run and change a diaper and scream "STOP FIGHTING" mid conversation, something that is a horrible distraction to communicating via the phone. 

It becomes therapy. I have learned that it truly helps to realize you are not alone with whatever crazy ails you. I have learned that with autism, PTSD, and now, MOM Syndrome.

It becomes your friend. When your friends who don't have kids or have kids who are more independent can't find time to come see you or you them because they don't want to deal with your kids, you find people online who are caged to their houses and families looking for someone to talk to just like you. I probably have about 50 Facebook friends of females I met online who are better friends than most of my relationships offline, especially when I need that moral support.

It becomes a place to vent about how your children just spent $150 on Kick the Buddy app for the iPad, or how they took all the clean clothes out of the drawers, piled them with the dirty clothes and sprinkled cheese and juice all over it putting you at square one with that room and laundry all in the matter of minutes. We need to vent this shit because nine times out of ten, our men don't give a shit. If they listen to you, IF, they have little sympathy because they just totally saved the world in Call of Duty, like your day wasn't shit compared to theirs. Plus you have to let it out somewhere. I have learned, don't do this on your normal Facebook profile. Save it for a secret group of friends somewhere confidential. Why? Your haters are also on your Facebook, and they like to see you down like that. Who else is on Facebook? People who actually do worry about you, people who might hire you someday, and most important, people who do not understand at all and take it as bitching. 

It becomes your guide. There are no parenting manuals. It's a lot like Adobe products, like Photoshop, in this aspect at least. No manual comes with the program, BUT there are various tutorials online to help you navigate the program. We as moms have that resource too. We have Pinterest with recipe and craft ideas. We have Facebook sharing the crap they put on Pinterest. We have blogs about sanity and deep subjects that are parenting related like school bullying and rape. We have medical information at our fingertips. Some people suck at that kind of research and could diagnose their kid's common cold with some rare infectious disease from the planet Mars courtesy of Web MD. But some of us find it very helpful for home remedies, disinfection advice, identifying a rash (don't image search that while eating)… We get cleaning advice, cooking advice, gardening advice… Motherhood covers such a wide range of subjects that only the internet could hold all that in one place.

It becomes your shopping. Yes we women need to shop, and the internet too has that convenience. We also get packages in the mail which adds to the excitement of it. You can even buy normal stuff online like diapers and shampoo, in addition to our girly stuff like clothes and accessories, but also hard to find stuff, which is great when your kid needs something like hypoallergenic diapers and emu oil, or they have to have a Mario Backpack for school or Dora on their shoes…

It becomes your entertainment. This is the best of the internet. The funniest moms are online, and Facebook and blogs are full of humorous memes (funny pictures). Laughter is the best medicine, and us moms need to laugh. We need to learn how to laugh at the crazy in our lives offline, and we need to laugh at other people's crazy online. Insane in the Mombrain often gets emails from people serving overseas or dying of cancer who thank her for making them laugh in the darkest of times. Mom bloggers like her are that scene in the Lord of the Rings where Frodo falls down and the witch elf appears out of nowhere like a hallucination and helps him up. Patti at Insane in the Mom-brain, Nikki at Moms who Drink and Swear, and Sheila at Mary Tyler Mom are my elf witches. They have been for years now. 

It becomes your drama. This can be the worst of the internet. Anytime you put a bunch of women together, online or offline, for long periods of time, there will be drama. There will be the PMSy bitch. There will be the overly sensitive butthurt. There will be arguments and cheap tactics like spying and gossip and straight girl world bullying. People will call you fat and ugly, even though they have no idea what you look like. It will always be over something stupid.  I guarantee you there is someone on your facebook friends list (if you Facebook) where you had a falling out and you have no idea what the fuck it was about. You knew then, but not so much now. I'll tell you what it was about. Drama. Stupid girl world drama. Don't be embarrassed you were part of that. You are a woman. This is part of the package. We know drama. We know it more than TNT. And for some strange sick reason, we enjoy it, no matter how much we play it off like we don't. 

It becomes your addiction. It's really okay to be on Facebook a lot. It's okay to get sucked into the internets to where you have no idea what the weather is like outside. What's not okay? What I'm doing now. I'm sitting here typing this blog surrounded by filth I call home. I'm procrastinating cleaning up my childrens' destruction because A, I don't want to clean it. I just did that. I should get at least 12 hours in between catastrophic messes to myself. B, I want to write this blog. It's been on the to do list for over a week. I need to finish what I start. C, I have a sprained ankle. Who in their right mind wants to clean on a sprained ankle? My foot and leg are still purple and the baseball sticking out of my ankle has turned into a golf ball. Great it's healing. It's still a golf ball hanging out the side of my ankle and it hurts like a bitch when I step on it wrong. And A, B, and C are my excuse to be online, to escape my reality. To forget my house is a mess for a minute, and that minute turns into hours.

It becomes your tool. Kids math homework? Google it. How many cups are in a gallon? Google it. There's a calculator somewhere. To Do List/email/calendar/horoscope reading/dream interpretation/school closings and delays/weather forecast/stock market... The internet is full of information and tools we moms use regularly. 

It contributes to your growth/development. That's the important part. When a toddler is learning to walk, he will use whatever resources are available to him as a tool to help him learn. Naturally we do this. If there's a table, he'll use that to help him stand. It can be a table, a chair, a pack n play, a house plant, a stool, a vacuum cleaner… If it has wheels, he'll use that to help him move. We as moms do that, and the internet becomes our vacuum cleaner table stool that holds us up for a second before we pitter patter across the room to another vacuum cleaner table stool. While finding our balance with parenting via online tools of humor, shopping, calculators, recipes, research, we also nurture whatever we are trying to learn with support, advice, wisdom, and feelings. We share more than just funny internet memes. We share each others lives, whether it be to our friends in a closed Facebook group, or to complete strangers on a comment on a blog post. Some of my best lessons I learned came from some random person's comment. A plant needs water, dirt, and sunshine to grow, and the internet provides all of that for us moms. The water is the advice and wisdom. The sunshine is the humor, and the dirt is the comfort of friendship (or being anonymous in many cases).

It becomes your fantasy. We human beings love characters. We read books, watch movies, soap operas, prime time soap operas, reality television... whatever. We like characters. We like getting to know someone or a personality who isn't real in our lives and letting our imaginations run with it. We like falling in love with them. We like hating them. We like learning from them. The blogs online provide that. Each blogger is a character who pours their life online and you get to love and hate them. ... My friend is obsessed with Grey's Anatomy and has been making me watch all the seasons with her on Netflix. I never quite understood the character love deal (human fanaticism) until this show. Izzie is my lesbian lover, McDreamy is my husband who I cheated on with Henry who just died in whatever season I'm on, Arizona is my best friend and mentor and I am Yang. None of these characters interact like that on the show, but they do in my head, much like I am Insane in the Mom Brain's wife who cheated on her with The Bloggess and Moms Who Drink and Swear is my mentor (who I argue with a lot, but she teaches me so much with it) and People I want to Punch in the Throat is one of my main personalities I've been repressing for years. Mary Tyler Mom, she is my best friend I want to hug every day. Bitches in the Burbs is the Army of Bad Asses I call on when I need back up in a fight, you know, my posse (in reality, they give great fashion advice). The Zookeepers Wife is my therapist (she really is an astrologist), and I am Counting Caballeros' crazy cousin (she's the practical wise grounded one, even though she has more children than I do, and we really are probably related even though I met her online). Holdin Holden is my career oriented friend that makes me feel like I'm in a scene of Sex in the City except it's about booze and motherhood more so than sex. I Want a Dumpster Baby is the woman in the rap video I'm trying to mimic the butt shaking in the mirror nekkid, and I am Honey Badger Press (I'm not really her, just in my mind I am, I really am Dribbles and Grits). 

Of all possible addictions one could have to cope with MOM Syndrome, I think the internet is the healthiest approach. I also turn to Diet Coke, energy drinks, chocolate cake batter, and other cheap methods that do nothing for me but hurt me in the long run, but the internet, it entails good and bad, and it's my choice how I use it.

One thing I want to say to you, the person reading this, sometimes we have bad days as moms. I don't care if you forgot your mommy childhood (the early years of the motherhood struggle), you can at least admit you had bad days. You had crazy days where the shit you said made no sense and sometimes you were hurtful only because you hurt. Remember that other moms do that too. If you see them doing that anywhere, online or offline, don't be an ass about it. Ignore it and move on, or reach out and touch someone with some love. Some of us need tough love, real talk, yes, but when we are emotionally ready for it. A stranger trying to give the tough love talk, or the mocking (I tend to mock), that might just send them into a downward spiral and that shit is not cool for their kids. When you mock a mom losing her mind on Facebook, you are fucking with her kids indirectly. I'm not saying she's going to beat them to an oblivion or abuse or neglect them, but she is NOT going to handle her kids in her best mindframe if you provoke her, especially if she's on the brink of completely losing her shit to begin with. Don't be the flying monkey that pushes people over the edge. Reach out and reel them back to a safer ground.

Rumor Has It...

I'm probably one of the very few people who really enjoy listening to rumors about myself. I really do, and the more negative it is, the funnier it is. I really find it amusing. Now in my Darth Vader voice, I do find the lack of creativity disturbing. While sleeping with the entire College I attended football team was pretty creative, as if that many men really want to sleep with me, I haven't seen that level of creativity since 1997.

Actually, instead, I've heard the stuff I list first here. Most of the time, the rumors aren't worded so nicely, but since I'm not a fan of racial slurs, I'll translate into non-asshole. 

Distinguishing fact from fiction...

Whore -- False
Slut, maybe.
Porn star... there you go.

Is a bad parent -- False
Neglects and Abuses her children -- VERY FUCKING FALSE
Sold her children to the Lollipop Guild for 2 Hershey Kisses... There you go.

Smokes crack -- False
Dyes her crack green for St. Paddy's Day, hmmm, that was actually someone else and trying to claim it would infringe on that girl's intellectual property.
Married into the Mexican Drug Cartel and is now the new Godfather... there you go.

Loves black people --- True
Will only sleep with black people, ummm I really don't care what color you are.
Is black and has applied 27 times to be Obama's "intern"... there you go.

Loves gay people --- True
Is gay, doubt it.
Slept with the entire college cheerleading squad taking away the virginity of 5 chipper blond girls and is the reason Ellen now likes women and inspired the song, "I kissed a girl and I liked it."... there you go.

Quick to fly off the handle -- True
Gets into a lot of bar fights, debatable.
Interned with the CIA as an assassin and retired to be a mercenary after taking out Jason Bourne... there you go.

Is crazy-- True.
Is psychotically dangerous, probably not.
Was kidnapped by science and became a subject for what was later known as Experiment 626 where brain surgery was involved and then was abducted by aliens and formed an emotional bond with the alien sociopath (Bob) completely responsible for 90% of our earthly conspiracy theories... there you go.

Is a broke ass bitch -- Depends on the day.
Never had a job and always depended on the system -- Sorry, very wrong. Actually I have a better resume than all the people who came up with this one, which is actually very sad on their part.
Used so much welfare that it knocked the American Economy into one of the biggest recessions ever and then got elected into Congress... there you go.

Don't forget to lie through your teeth and tell everyone I look fabulous.

BTW, these are all things I was thinking about telling people I did for a living at my High School reunion had we actually had one, except I was going to say that I interned with Bill Clinton and Monica was my scapegoat for that scenario had I gone with it, but I probably would have gone with the assassin one.

The View Asked: What is the most difficult thing about maintaining a healthy lifestyle?

They asked something like that on their Facebook Page. See it somewhere in the mess of posts here...

My comment was the following. I wrote it, and then I thought, "Damn, that could be a blog post." So here it is...

Reading from all the comments... I would say some of you seem to stress out over your own health, and that can't be healthy. I'm not on any high horse with that. I stress out too over mine.

You would think in an age of technology where some random person (team of people) was capable of inventing the internet and cell phones that we would be in a position to find a decent, affordable doctor, and have verifiable sources of information on what is healthy (like am I good with following the government's food pyramid stuff or do I need to go Gluten Free All Organic or even better, grow my own stuff and herd my own cattle so to make sure the pesticides, red dye number something, and hormones are not added?)... So it's obvious to me nobody knows what's a healthy diet, now let's move on to lifestyle.

Moms do everything, and they have to. If their house is a mess at all, they are bad moms. If their kids aren't dressed pretty or faces not wiped clean, I mean really, some people shouldn't breed. If the kids act up, you can't control them and therefore are unfit to be a parent. Now that's added to what everyone goes through, and that's the working one or two jobs just to make ends meet. Grocery shopping, charity, running errands like paying bills, figuring out how to pay bills, figuring gas to go pay bills, registering vehicles, paying taxes, fixing the plumbing, oil changes, washing cars.... We fill our days up with too many things to do and too high expectations that other people place on us (thanks by the way if you are one of them, you can kiss my left butt cheek), and in this day and age where technology is supposed to make things easier, somehow it's making it harder. I mean Amish people have less stress in their day. I'm just saying, this is the kind of stuff that causes big problems like cancer, neurological issues (sleep deprivation will get you), and unhealthy choices (smoking, drugs-pharmaceutical or street drugs, over-eating, under-eating, not sleeping enough/insomnia, etc.). We have each other dancing like chickens with their heads cut off, and we are giving ourselves a strange voodoo curse with it, metaphorically as it's actually natural consequences but like a curse since we are talking chickens and dancing in the same sentence.

And my original point, now that we got unhealthy lifestyles that all the experts treat with unhealthy stuff instead of hitting the problem, let's move to actual medical stuff. We have people who believe the woman's body shuts down during a "legitimate" rape and therefore can't get pregnant. I mean just listen to Republicans on television speak about health and science and obviously some expert somewhere isn't an expert. In fact, nobody really knows much about anything. They talk like they do, but they don't. Now we have Google. The power is in your hands to learn about what's wrong with you. Yes some people are hypochondriac about it, but most people aren't. They really are rational, intelligent researchers (outside of SOME of your republicans). This is the world most parents of a child on the autism spectrum go to for advice and support because they can't find it anywhere else because nobody knows anything about autism except for autistic people who are generally ignored for their lack of social skills. Either way, this now insults a doctor's ego. He did not just spend most of his life in school hundreds of thousands of dollars later to get outdone by a twit on Google. I mean nobody really expects him to research something about you and totally ignore the rest of the medical world for just your ailment like we get to do ourselves. I guess an education cannot replace common sense. So what do doctors do? Intentionally disagree whether you are right or not, for pure ego, and maybe prescribe something the drug dealers, I mean pharmaceutical reps, are pushing, because that's healthy. And then they make you wait an hour in the waiting room but can't see you if you are 15 minutes late, not to mention the woman at the front desk is generally mean to you, will mess up your appointment, and somehow it's all your fault she failed at basic data entry, like getting to a doctor stresses you out. Talking to a doctor can stress you out. Getting what you need from a doctor can stress you out and usually entails going to more than one doctor... which brings me back to the lifestyle.

Sorry so long, but you asked... I'm saying the hardest part is nobody knows what they are talking about. Instead, we stress ourselves out over trying to live up to false paradigms of health living an unhealthy lifestyle trying to live up to other people's irrational expectations of you just so we can survive the social manipulative world we live in.

If I told you I was going to come to your house tomorrow morning at 8AM, with a camera, and I'm going to talk to you about health and plaster that video of your house all over Facebook, you can't tell me you wouldn't be up all night cleaning, freaking out. Why? Why do that to yourself? You should be dreaming of Channing Tatum in a fireman's suit. I'd be cleaning my house too, and I'd hate whoever was coming with a camera like I might offer them something I doused with a laxative to eat... but still, we stress all the time over stuff that doesn't matter just to avoid being judged by others.