Rumor Has It...

I'm probably one of the very few people who really enjoy listening to rumors about myself. I really do, and the more negative it is, the funnier it is. I really find it amusing. Now in my Darth Vader voice, I do find the lack of creativity disturbing. While sleeping with the entire College I attended football team was pretty creative, as if that many men really want to sleep with me, I haven't seen that level of creativity since 1997.

Actually, instead, I've heard the stuff I list first here. Most of the time, the rumors aren't worded so nicely, but since I'm not a fan of racial slurs, I'll translate into non-asshole. 

Distinguishing fact from fiction...

Whore -- False
Slut, maybe.
Porn star... there you go.

Is a bad parent -- False
Neglects and Abuses her children -- VERY FUCKING FALSE
Sold her children to the Lollipop Guild for 2 Hershey Kisses... There you go.

Smokes crack -- False
Dyes her crack green for St. Paddy's Day, hmmm, that was actually someone else and trying to claim it would infringe on that girl's intellectual property.
Married into the Mexican Drug Cartel and is now the new Godfather... there you go.

Loves black people --- True
Will only sleep with black people, ummm I really don't care what color you are.
Is black and has applied 27 times to be Obama's "intern"... there you go.

Loves gay people --- True
Is gay, doubt it.
Slept with the entire college cheerleading squad taking away the virginity of 5 chipper blond girls and is the reason Ellen now likes women and inspired the song, "I kissed a girl and I liked it."... there you go.

Quick to fly off the handle -- True
Gets into a lot of bar fights, debatable.
Interned with the CIA as an assassin and retired to be a mercenary after taking out Jason Bourne... there you go.

Is crazy-- True.
Is psychotically dangerous, probably not.
Was kidnapped by science and became a subject for what was later known as Experiment 626 where brain surgery was involved and then was abducted by aliens and formed an emotional bond with the alien sociopath (Bob) completely responsible for 90% of our earthly conspiracy theories... there you go.

Is a broke ass bitch -- Depends on the day.
Never had a job and always depended on the system -- Sorry, very wrong. Actually I have a better resume than all the people who came up with this one, which is actually very sad on their part.
Used so much welfare that it knocked the American Economy into one of the biggest recessions ever and then got elected into Congress... there you go.

Don't forget to lie through your teeth and tell everyone I look fabulous.

BTW, these are all things I was thinking about telling people I did for a living at my High School reunion had we actually had one, except I was going to say that I interned with Bill Clinton and Monica was my scapegoat for that scenario had I gone with it, but I probably would have gone with the assassin one.

My super crazy violent sex dream about Obama

This was my post today on my friend's Facebook page. I don't want it to get lost in a newsfeed, like I want to be able to find it again and read it again another day, so I'm blogging it too.

Warning, it's crazy.... It was one of those dreams that eventually morphed where the whole thing changes and I'm not sure how. But the beginning part I was Obama's girlfriend. He and I would sneak off into rooms and it was just assumed naughty things happened though they didn't actually happen. Most of the dream was us two flirting very badly with each other, like think of the cheesiest pick up lines imaginable, and we were using that. 

Then these women, big burly women with incredibly long hair, 3 of them, they looked like the wicked step sister off of Shrek, including man voices, well they started shooting at everyone. No one was injured. I helped this old lady maid on the basement sneak people up a bunch of flights, like the White house had like 37 floors to it in my dream, to a different floor, a safe floor, through some secret maid thing in the public bathroom, like a laundroshoot going down to a public bathroom. 

Then I found Barack and he and I fled the scene for his protection, like I was his secret service body guard. I'm trying to find some weapon to have because secret service bodyguards usually carry weapons right? We were somewhere on a street in a building getting ready for a press conference about the violent women when it dawned on me, there's an Army Guard Armory across the street. 

So we go over there so I can obtain an M16. I tell the dude I'm a vet and with Presidential orders, he hands me an M16 and I request 5 mags and some ammo. He's like "really? 5 mags to shoot 3 targets? And you think you'd qualify with that?" I'm like "Dude, give me a break. It's been years since I've been in and I have to pee." Then I looked at Obama and was like, "Would it by any chance affect our friendship whatsoever if you were aware that I totally peed myself just to hit the bad guys?" He's like, "No it wouldn't in the slightest." Isn't he nice? Then it dawned on me, they had a bathroom in the armory, so I grabbed the 5 mags to fill in the bathroom while I went. They were like, "You still need 5?" I was like, "I'm about to pee like Austin Powers after a deep freeze, I need something to do." 

So then I fill them up, I go on the street and find a great position because I knew the bad crazy manly women were about to turn the corner. I lay down on my tummy because I shoot best from that position. 

Then the dream skips forward where it totally turned around and I'm talking to the media. I did save the day I guess. But the media wasn't interested in that. They were interested in my relationship with Obama. I was swearing we didn't have anything shy of a professional relationship. Then I was like "Think about it people. You are so quick to assume things. Who have I been cooking with? Gardening with? Helping her pick out her clothes for every major function? My romantic relationship was not with Barack, but Michelle the whole time. Duh." 

Then it was a big deal, like is it actually cheating for two married women to be together? Where's the line drawn with "best friends?" 

That was my dream. I hope the secret service finds this message, reads it to the President, and they all laugh and invite me to some major event that's invite only where I can meet these people, just for the awkwardness now. Since that won't happen, I hope you laugh because I woke up LMAO.

Equality Stuff and Bitchy Rant about the Holier-Than-Thou

Well President Obama made it again. I'm so happy for him. I think he's a good guy and deserved it, but with that said, I have something I want to say to the idiots I've been hearing from all election.

All election I've been told that there's a 47% who are going to vote for Obama anyway for their foodstamps, right? That people on welfare are lazy. Liberals are lazy. There's no reason for a person to be unemployed. These people don't want to work. They are full of excuses. You work hard and you'll be rich. I have more money than you because I work harder than you. Blah blah blah...

Then there's the racist spin, about how black people are lazy and don't want to work. They are the ones on welfare living this lavish life on MY (a hard working taxpayer's) expense.  

Well guess what fucktards? Obama is President. You know what that means? With YOUR logic...

Mitt was the lazier guy. He obviously doesn't want to work. Had he wanted to work, he would have worked harder on his campaign. The lazy black man got the job, which makes the rich white boy was even lazier than a black man. That's fucking sad people. Fucking sad. (sarcasm people, sarcasm)

Mitt is also now unemployed? All of his assets are in another country right? To avoid paying taxes of course... That means he probably qualifies for welfare benefits. I bet the workforce would help pay for his school so he can re-train in a different career because I think he's done with politics (on account of not putting forth enough effort of course).

I don't really wish all this on Mitt or actually think this about him. I think he can be an asshole yes, but I think that's just an environmental thing. He's just a tad bit naive and has no firm grasp on reality because he was born into wealth and never experienced life outside of his castle, and we can't blame him for that. We can blame his parents though for not showing him the world and for spoiling him. But, I really think he, underneath the ill-intentions which is pretty gangsta of him, is a very intelligent guy. He's wishy washy conforming kind of guy to his money (like any whore to her pimp), but I bet we let him speak his mind about things that doesn't include normal people or religion, he probably has some interesting shit to say.

I personally am loving this idea of the President finding something for Mitt to do to put his expertise in the government. I think compromise between the parties is what this country needs. We are a UNITED STATES, INDIVISIBLE, and this party bull shit with democrats and republicans is dividing us. If you believe in the Pledge of Allegiance at all, you will fucking compromise and get along. Of course, all you who continue reading will think me a hypocrite, but sometimes, real talk gets shit done. Consider this real talk.

So with that said, I'm just saying to certain people, judge not lest ye be judged. We are ALL LAZY. Every motherfucker in this country is a lazy ass. I am actually sick of people who get paid to not do their job. I'm sick of paying for a product or service, and I not get what I pay for because someone is too damned lazy to do their job. Just because you have a job doesn't mean you are not lazy. I've seen street dealers put in more work and effort into their job than a pharmaceutical sales rep so stuff it on that shit.

If you want to be about race, last time I checked, based on skin color, we made the black people our slaves because they worked harder than white people (well that and they weren't Christian, but we had many white non-Christians in servitude at one point too, and where the fuck were they once it became slavery?). The Spanish was trying to breed Africans with the Natives of the islands in an attempt to make the perfect slave. Let's keep going with this... The original men were dark skinned, dark eyes, dark hair. White is a genetic mutation. My guess from inbreeding like what happens with Bengal Tigers, but who knows, it may be aliens. So, if you want to make it about race and genetics, you will lose that argument too. There is no way on this planet that you can get away with saying someone is lazy because they are black. I'm sorry. About the only thing you can say is someone didn't get the same opportunities because they are black. I mean if you could stop being fucking racist long enough to not discriminate and give a black man a job, maybe there'd be less minorities on your statistics for state benefits from which I'm assuming you are deriving your derelict conclusions on the subject.

Welfare is meant to help people who need it. It is designed so we don't have starving children. I mean do you really want America and your children to be plastered on advertisements in Europe, Canada and Australia asking for donations to adopt one of our starving children they can feed with 20 cents a day? We know how to take care of our own. We are going against nature's survival of the fittest with this shit and taking care of people who are less fit than the rest of us. That's a beautiful thing to do for the charity and compassion alone, like that's something Jesus Christ would be about, but if you don't want to be like Jesus, that's okay because it also helps you. People on welfare who wouldn't be able to spend on food are now able to spend on food, which goes to the corporations involved and helps pay your wages. You pay taxes and the taxes eventually work their way back to your pay check. How cool is that? It's almost like how it rains, water going from the earth to the sky back to the earth back to the sky... It also keeps your food prices down. Inflation sucks, like food has doubled in price over the last 5 years, but could you imagine if there were no food stamps where the grocery stores would be? It's government controlled household spending is what it is. Pretty genius if you think about it like you would write a paper on it for your Macroeconomics class.

As for welfare abuse and people living off the system... Let me get personal and empathetic here. Yes I can empathize with a fucktard because I was there once. I am white raised by middle class parents who never divorced or separated. My mom and dad were married to each other up until my dad died. As a young kid, my family was poor. I didn't know it. By high school, my dad was doing very well, and I was spoiled. We had a computer since like 1985, the internet since like 1992 or 93, and I had some sort of car phone or pager since I was 16. When I went off to college, my dad gave me a gas card and an American Express card (with no limit) where he paid the bill. Mind you, he tried really hard not to spoil me, like he purposely bought me ugly cars so I would swallow my pride, but he still bought the damned cars, like I didn't buy my first car until I was like 25. I wasn't Mitt Romney spoiled, but I was spoiled, up until my dad died. My mom's a school teacher. She couldn't afford my life with her salary, and I sure as hell couldn't either. It was a very painful reality check. Now with that said, back when I was younger, I used to make fun of people on welfare. I was a snob. I had that "I'm better than you" mentality, especially if you were mean to me, like that was my go-to defense. Then somewhere between broke and the friends I made on my job... I got to know the world I used to judge. In getting to know that world up close and personal, I got to meet real crackheads. I like some of them. I've also met people who live off the system and probably will for the rest of their lives. Like I got to meet the people I made fun of, and let me tell you, they would all kick my ass if they knew what I thought about things at that point in my life.

Once you get to know people, it's amazing how wrong you are about whatever you thought about them beforehand. These people first off are real people. They have feelings and emotions and all that jive, just like any other, person. Go figure. Human beings are human beings. They didn't teach me that in high school biology, obviously. Second, most of the "lazy who will never work a day in their life" are really hurting, and their wounds generally run deep. Deadbeat dad, crackwhore mom, alcoholic mom, abusive dad, family member molested them... They had something whacked crazy like that in their past. This is shit where there is no "get over it." I've been raped in the most polite way possible and I am never going to get over that. I think if I were to experience the level of pain and internal turmoil some people do that I would probably turn to illegal narcotics as a way to maintain because I probably would, and so would many of you reading this. Anymore, in the world of psychology and neurology, most of these people should qualify as someone with a life-long injury. PTSD does brain damage as some point. While most of the people I'm talking about here would never ever in their life consider themselves disabled, to an extent they are. If you really want to stop "welfare abuse," then my suggestion is to promote voting for programs to get these people healthcare they need. Most of them admit they need therapy, and I've seen many people pull out of the bull shit and rise above their past with therapy, but most don't have a way to pay for it... Not without getting on SSI, and why would you work at that point? Basically what I'm saying here, if you really find life fulfilling staying home all day and not contributing to anything meaningful, there is obviously something wrong with you, like not in a "you are fucked up" sort of way but more in a "you probably need to talk to a doctor about it and take control of your mental health" sort of way.

Then there's the economic factor for many people who collect benefits, myself included in the past. I am lucky that my husband has a good skill and therefore is eligible for a good well paid job. He's an electrician. Irony is I used to make fun of the people going into trades, like they weren't intelligent enough to go to "real college." Yep, I suck. Anyway, we had periods of unemployment where we utilized only what we needed with benefits. At one point, the welfare office called me to inform me I had a couple thousand racked up on my food stamp card and that I should use it, and I was like, "But we have been doing fine budgeting the unemployment check with food. We don't really need that, but don't take us off in case we do and the important thing is we are using the medical cards on the kids." BUT with that said, I've known people who don't have a college degree or can't get into the union. They had kids, their man left them, and then they decided to go to school. So it took them a minute to grow up. Sometimes it takes reproducing to help a person get their shit together. But it's not easy working a minimum wage job while paying for your school and raising kids. Not possible without assistance from the government. I say that because the cost of child care for working alone (not including school) exceeds what you'd make in minimum wage. If you go full time to school, in 4 or 5 years, you can have a 4 year degree. If you have kids and a job, full time probably isn't happening. So you are talking these people being in the system for at least 4 years, but reasonably more like 6 years, and even then, having a Bachelor's Degree doesn't guarantee work. If you don't want these people in the system that long, then maybe we all need to work on creating an environment at making what you want them to do a possible thing to do.

See where I'm going with this? The high horse doesn't know shit about the world beneath it. You can lack your empathy and call it making excuses all you want to feed your ego and make your horse higher but I promise you, all of us people down here are NOT worshiping you at all. We are spitting on your horses shoes and laughing at your stupid outfit.

Now someone like Mitt who was born into wealth, inherited a shit ton of money and friends in the industry and connections and so forth, now if someone like him ended up on welfare, I would say there is something considerably wrong with him. You get into the wealthy class, and there is that one guy you know who blows all of the money and is totally completely worthless, and his parents are worried about what is going to happen to him when they die and can no longer cover up and bail him out of his illegal shit, and can no longer pay for his life. But he's not a deadbeat in most of your eyes, and I'll tell you why. If you know him well enough to know all that about his life, you know him well enough to enjoy his money, and you wouldn't call your free shit a deadbeat. I also know many in the wealthy class with drug addictions, weird sexual behaviors, and abusive issues. They aren't the same deadbeats we call someone on welfare because they pay their own bills? Really? Are we that superficial of a society that we judge your contribution to society by only monetary measures? Things like mental health issues do not discriminate. Addiction doesn't discriminate. A desire to sexually abuse people does not discriminate. Wealthy men rape no different than poor men. So your true deadbeats are found in every class, in every income range, in every percentage of the population whether it be the 1% or the 47%.

And if you read this much of this blog, please walk away with some knowledge. You don't want to be the douchenozzle I once was. You know how you think back to when you were a kid and used to walk around with food on your mouth when you were 10, or maybe a scab on your nose from over picking it, or something you did that was stupid as fuck and you will disown your parents if they ever brought that up to your date...? Yeah, my arrogance back then is one of mine. My arrogance now, I'm proud of it. It's more of a confidence because my now arrogance is totally based on all me and nothing about you or anyone else. I'm a sexy beast, and that has nothing to do with what you look like. I'm intelligent, and that has nothing to do with your IQ. I'm not the sexiest bitch in the world or the smartest one, but I know I'm smart and sexy and a good dose of bitchy and it has nothing to do with anyone else. Stop comparing yourself to other people. It's not healthy and makes you look like an ass. You will get laid more too if you adopt this concept.

And sorry so long. If I blog while I'm taking care of my kids, I get interrupted a lot. Something that would take me 20 minutes to write ends up taking 5 hours because it takes me about 2 hours to get that 20 minutes, and by then, I thought of some other shit I want to say, and I keep going and going... And then every time I'm interrupted, I have to re-read what I wrote to remember where I was at. If I don't post this, I will have wasted my entire day on nothing, so I'm posting it like it or not. Too long? My suggestion is either read faster or don't read it. Sorry to be that way but I lost my fucking mind a long time ago. Mental health issues. They don't discriminate I'm telling you. A hair tie. That's what I was looking for an hour ago.