Parental Advice Warning to the Young and Dumb

Q&A from Circle of Moms

I'm at a graduation giving some speech to snot nosed teenage know it alls. What do I say about parenting? The question was designed for parenting for young women who want to become moms. LOL Yeah right. Like I'm going to miss out on the other kids who need told... So, here's my answer.

First, to the boys: It takes two to tango, and while this culture seems to absolve the fathers from any and all responsibility of a child outside of money, the reality is too many deadbeat dads infest this world with their irresponsible uselessness. Children, our future, need their father's love and advice. Don't be with a woman you wouldn't mother. Do you know if your lover is pro-life or pro-choice? If you can't answer that question, you are already being irresponsible. If you don't think you ever want to have children, do us all a favor and get a vasectomy.

To the ladies: If you are not ready for children, be responsible. Boys will sell it like it's a used car with deceit and persistence. God gave them two heads, and nine times out of ten, you are talking to the one behind the zipper. Don't trust a man until you know the man enough to tell which head you are talking to. You wouldn't buy a car without a contract would you? Marriage is that contract. Lock them into that deal before pushing out their spawn.

Babies. A precious miracle. A gooey, sticky, time consuming, attention seeking miracle. Basic Military Training kind of prepared me for it… I had 3 minutes at a time to eat and had to run on 3 hours sleep, 3 to 5 miles a day, over 100 pushups and situps, and then beyond fatigued and starved, had to sit caffeine deprived in training, clean, problem solve and speak coherently, with someone screaming in my face. It was easier than motherhood because there was an end.

When you do become a mom, your intuition trumps all. Listen to it. Trust it. Right now? Take care of yourself. Use this time now to build confidence, trust your inner voice, find your inner peace, take vitamins, and enjoy your bubble bath. Don't take that bubble bath for granted. Someday, you won't have it.

That's all I could squeeze in within less than 2000 characters (including spaces). What I wanted to add?

I also suggest to have a good credit score before going into parenting. Don’t screw that up when everyone starts handing you master cards like it's a deck of cards for a drinking game. It's not a drinking game. Your credit means everything. Credit is short for Credibility. Savings is important, and don't blow it on the nursery. Half the stuff you could buy for a nursery is crap. You probably want to be in a house you own before your kid is walking. Why? Because then you can do whatever you want to the house to child proof it. You can build closets to keep things out of their reach. Repaint the walls when they draw all over them. Replace the carpet with something you won't be scrubbing on your hands and knees once a week so that it looks presentable. There's a million little things that stink renting with children. Own your house. Have a savings for fixing it when it breaks. Kids will break your house. They break everything. Speaking of which, anything heirloom quality, put it somewhere else like storage until your kid is your age now. 

You also want Life Insurance just in case you die. It probably won't happen ever. I mean, only vampires die. But just in case you get bit by a vampire and die, you will want Life Insurance so someone can afford to bury your butt. In addition, a Will. That's where you get to pick who gets your kids. It's not an easy decision, so start planning that part now.

Don't judge parents. You have this June Cleaver paradigm in your head right now. My kid would never do that. I am going to do this and this and that and that, and totally be a better mom than that person over there, and that totally makes me the Dr. Phil of Parenting. WRONG. You have no idea. This is one subject no amount of babysitting will prepare you for. And Karma, she's watching you. When you are vocal about it? You make life harder on the mom you are judging. 


NOTE: When I first saw the email for Circle of Moms with this, I replied. Well Circle of Moms connected to my personal Facebook account instead of my Circle of Moms account, so I deleted it and reposted it with my regular Circle of Moms account. I use a pen name right now for my blog because I don't want my inlaws and my family to read my blog. If you had my inlaws, you wouldn't want them to read my blog either. You might also have killed them in their sleep as well, if they were your inlaws. They are lucky they aren't your inlaws. 

Anyway, Last advice to kids I would NEVER say at a commencement speech though it NEEDS to be said... Good Luck Kiddos. Fuck Responsibly.


Totes almost forgot to add it... Link to the Q&A... You can vote for it if you want to, but don't feel compelled to or anything. I am not here to compete with other bloggers for any internets. Take me as I am or kiss my legos. 

http://www.circleofmoms.com/question/you-were-giving-commencement-speech-whats-one-piece-advice-youd-give-young-women-who-1707124?trk=profile_body

Tax Refund: It's Fiscalicious

Because my original purpose with this blog was to write informative articles in an interesting way, and while my crazy ones about rumors and shrinkological disorders are probably more popular, I'm going to get serious for a second (sort of) and discuss money because it's tax refund time for people who have the pitter patter of little tax deductions running around their joint.

I have written many articles about finance and financial management. I have managed businesses' money and got paid to do it. The reason I know so much about financial management is because I suck at it. I do. I am the impulse shopper who makes Bipolar people look fiscally conservative during their highs. I have absolutely zero self control, and many moons ago, I was the shop-a-holic (like I couldn't leave a store without a bag in my hand, and it still feels odd to do it). The sad thing is, all the shit I buy, I don't even use it. I buy toys I don't play with, and then I wonder where my children get it from. Instead of researching the psychological BS like it's going out of style, what do I do? I research and study the hell out of financial management. Part of it is because it was my job for a very long time, in my defense. Basically, in a nutshell, I'm poor because I blow money on the White Sale because I just need to have more dirty laundry to do... I must have been dropped on my head as a baby I swear it sometimes.

So, back to financial management. This year, I'm vowing to take my tax refund and stick it all in savings. I really wanted to do things with it, like buy a new to me used minivan because mine is getting sad. I want a new sofa because the kids have gooed this one into something I won't sit on without putting a blanket on top of it. I'd like to move. I'd like to travel. I'd like to take a vacation without the kids. Fuck me I just spent the whole thing and now I'm in debt up to my eyeballs.

There's a basic law in economics. Something about wants always exceeding needs. Basically, you are always ALWAYS going to want shit. You will always be wishing, dreaming, hoping, praying for something. Unless you are a Taoist Master who is truly content with nothing (as that's part of the uncarved block philosophy), you are going to want shit. You will get that shit, and then you are going to want more shit.

Okay, so we have our future to look forward to. Wanting stuff. Meanwhile, most of us have a past that haunts us. Debt. Yes, I owe money to loan sharks, and of the worst kind, student loans. Those people are ruthless too. Tip to whom it may concern: If you owe a debt where they take it out of your tax refund, and you file married filing joint, you can keep the portion your spouse would get by filing an Injured Spouse Form, assuming your spouse doesn't have a debt taking their refund.

I have friends who firmly believe the best way to financial freedom is to pay off debts first and then save. They have it down to a science. They take their pay checks, take out whatever they need to live off of (regular bills, groceries, etc.) and then they take the rest (they actually live with less than they make, must be nice) and pay off debts starting with the ones with the highest interest rates.

I disagree with that concept just slightly. Yes smart. If you really do have a crap-ton of money coming in that will feed and roof your family and have a bunch left over, fabufuckinglous for you. But where people like me mess up, I generally consider savings, like most other people, as a luxury. It is a luxury to have money sitting aside for a rainy day. Right? WRONG. Really, savings is just as important as the rent. It should come before debts, like maybe not everything left over from a pay check, but putting something aside is important. Reason being? Because the rent is important. The electric bill. Groceries. Most of the time, your savings is going to cover a month's rent, or that surprise we just added 600 dollars to your electric bill out of the freaking blue and we are guessing it's your AC or hot water tank that did it to you this month. It will cover that flat tire, the oil changes if you are short that moment which will in turn save your engine from blowing...

Savings is definitely much more important than a new sofa or upgraded vehicle, no matter how much my shit is shit...

USAA has this awesome service to its members. They offer free financial advice. I love it. I talk to those people frequently. They are who told me the importance of saving and how spending is stealing from your future blah blah blah. Now USAA recommends, like 50 people at that place recommended this to me in the last 10 years, to have a savings of a thousand dollars for invariable expenses like property taxes, oil changes, vehicle maintenance. This is to handle expenses that don't occur every month. You constantly put back into it and maintain it. THEN they suggest an emergency savings that will cover 3 to 6 months of the income you are used to receiving in the case you can't work for a minute (like you get hurt or lose your job). Now of course, this is a paradigm, and to someone like me, it's never going to happen.

I can come up with 50 different savings accounts for things I want to save up for, like Christmas, vacation, vehicles, house, camper, a 44 magnum with an extra long barrel like Dirty Harry used... Then I'm back at square one. I just spent all my savings.

I think the main part of savings is turning your wants of things to buy into wants of things to invest. Instead of wanting a sofa, want stock. Instead of wanting a new car, want a retirement. They are all listed as assets on a balance sheet in accounting nerd world, but the difference is cash assets CAN make more money whereas non-cash assets generally depreciate (they become worth less money). Unless you are investing in a car that will be worth more money in 5 years than it is now (like a classic)...

In the past, when we were doing well before we drifted off up shit creek without paddles, I had most of my savings going into a ROTH IRA. The beautiful thing about that was the pot of gold end of rainbow awesome, it was like doubling in a year. I got a Scrooge boner looking at the statements. The other awesome things about it, I opted that as my kids' college savings until we needed it for rent and stuff. I guess if you pull out of it early for education, they don't penalize you with taxes. This way, if your kid gets a scholarship, grant, or decides not to go to college, you can still use it towards your retirement.

The other thing I did, I put a little into a money market account. It too made me some money on interest. But that is really dependent on the financial institution you go through unless you really want to get all economical Robert Deniro in the movie Casino about it. Me, I just told my bank, "Medium risk," and let them have at it. My bank did a decent job with it. They may or may not do so well next time.

But now, I think I do want to get Robert Deniro in the movie Casino about investing. Instead of looking for sales on new shoes I probably will only wear once in a year, I can look for sales of stocks I think might go up. Some of them are like a dollar a share. That's like going to the dollar store. It's about shifting perspective.

If you want to pay off debts while saving, I did this many years ago with my "Welcome to 18 here's 50 credit cards to "build" your credit by irresponsibly maxing these out so we can charge you fee after fee plus interest" debts. I found a CD (not Britney Spears, a Certificate of Deposit) that earned a higher interest than a loan. So I purchased CD, and then I borrowed against it using that money to pay off debts. Then I paid little by little on the loan, but I still earned more interest on the CD than I paid in the loan. I know what you are thinking, I'm freaking brilliant. Well, A, I didn't make a lot of money, and B, it was all God's idea. It just fell on my lap in a Fate like way. If you are thinking, "What? You lost me at Britney Spears..." Find the money financial nerd in your life, whether it's your mom or your husband, and tell them what I said here like it was your idea.

The other thing is, sort of non-related but related, indirectly related, my kids are spoiled. I've seen spoiled rich kids in their 30's. I don't like them. I don't want my kids turning into that. I need to remove a lot of the "luxuries" from this home. Not this house. This HOME. It is cluttering the HOME part of my family.

So, back to my original point, I'm taking my tax refund and saving it like a good grown up. I'm putting on my big girl britches and doing something smart. Discipline is really what it boils down to. Something I totally lack, like go down to my father's grave and ask him, and he will probably scream in a ghostly voice, "That girl lacks discipline and focus." But like my momma told me, "You are the most stubborn person I know. That can be a good thing if you are wiser about what you are stubborn about." So I'm vowing to be stubborn here about savings. I may end up buying a sofa though and then save the rest. It's a cheap sofa from Big Lots, so it's not like I'm totally blowing money. Right?

Rumor Has It...

I'm probably one of the very few people who really enjoy listening to rumors about myself. I really do, and the more negative it is, the funnier it is. I really find it amusing. Now in my Darth Vader voice, I do find the lack of creativity disturbing. While sleeping with the entire College I attended football team was pretty creative, as if that many men really want to sleep with me, I haven't seen that level of creativity since 1997.

Actually, instead, I've heard the stuff I list first here. Most of the time, the rumors aren't worded so nicely, but since I'm not a fan of racial slurs, I'll translate into non-asshole. 

Distinguishing fact from fiction...

Whore -- False
Slut, maybe.
Porn star... there you go.

Is a bad parent -- False
Neglects and Abuses her children -- VERY FUCKING FALSE
Sold her children to the Lollipop Guild for 2 Hershey Kisses... There you go.

Smokes crack -- False
Dyes her crack green for St. Paddy's Day, hmmm, that was actually someone else and trying to claim it would infringe on that girl's intellectual property.
Married into the Mexican Drug Cartel and is now the new Godfather... there you go.

Loves black people --- True
Will only sleep with black people, ummm I really don't care what color you are.
Is black and has applied 27 times to be Obama's "intern"... there you go.

Loves gay people --- True
Is gay, doubt it.
Slept with the entire college cheerleading squad taking away the virginity of 5 chipper blond girls and is the reason Ellen now likes women and inspired the song, "I kissed a girl and I liked it."... there you go.

Quick to fly off the handle -- True
Gets into a lot of bar fights, debatable.
Interned with the CIA as an assassin and retired to be a mercenary after taking out Jason Bourne... there you go.

Is crazy-- True.
Is psychotically dangerous, probably not.
Was kidnapped by science and became a subject for what was later known as Experiment 626 where brain surgery was involved and then was abducted by aliens and formed an emotional bond with the alien sociopath (Bob) completely responsible for 90% of our earthly conspiracy theories... there you go.

Is a broke ass bitch -- Depends on the day.
Never had a job and always depended on the system -- Sorry, very wrong. Actually I have a better resume than all the people who came up with this one, which is actually very sad on their part.
Used so much welfare that it knocked the American Economy into one of the biggest recessions ever and then got elected into Congress... there you go.

Don't forget to lie through your teeth and tell everyone I look fabulous.

BTW, these are all things I was thinking about telling people I did for a living at my High School reunion had we actually had one, except I was going to say that I interned with Bill Clinton and Monica was my scapegoat for that scenario had I gone with it, but I probably would have gone with the assassin one.

I WILL Live Forever

Do you ever find yourself in the middle of a cataclysmic event with the kids, where toilet paper was unraveled throughout the house with traces of juice, shredded cheddar and squished unknown goo gluing it to the floor as the baby took a crap of epic proportion so all that goo smells like you know poo while the other 2 are fighting over an empty box you DID throw away and the sperm donor walks into the house, straight to his porcelain throne and takes a 45 minute load like nothing odd is going on?  Then, he yells out the bathroom 5 minutes later, "The kids are fighting!!!"  Men are astute, really they are, and I really mean that with all sarcasm intended. 

I write a lot of boring articles about finance, and one thing I always advise people, especially parents, is to have a will in place, and I am a hypocrite. I have no will. I'm stuck on THE question... Who would have custody of the kids in the event of my death?  Dammit, I have no clue. The husband should get them because they love their daddy and so far, knock on wood, he's been there every day in their lives, but dammit, he can't handle them by himself. I've thought about this over and over again, like Kirstie Alley thought about finding a father for her kid in Look Who's Talking, and I think the best possible solution is that I'm just not allowed to die. No matter which option for assisting my husband I try to concoct, none of it would provide my kids the life I want them to have--yeah I'm a control freak.


I wish there was some agency who rents out nuns named Maria who sing and dance to widowed men, and maybe if I stick that down in my will, they have no choice but to find one. 

But this is not the only issue many moms out there face with THE question of guardianship. Some of you moms out there might have abusive ex-husbands you DON'T want to EVER get custody.  Some of you moms might have a wife you want to get the custody of the kids instead of the child's father. The thing is, the more difficult that question is to answer, the more important it probably is you find an answer and put it down in a will.  

As for my situation, I'm currently a Pro on the subject, PRO-crastinating that is. Maybe some day the coffee will actually wake me up and turn me into being a little more PRO-active.