Operation Mombie Apocalypse Bwa haha haha: Step 1

Dear Moms. it's time we tackle on that item that's been on our to-do list for centuries. It's time we take over the world. 

I know what you are thinking. You have that broom stick in your hand, and you have realized, "She's right. It is time." and with a straight face, you have set the broom stick aside to read this. Nice to have you on board. Not the ironing board. It's metaphorical to being on board ship... Glad you can join us. 

Grab your weapon of choice, whether it's wine or coffee, and let's get our game faces on. 

It's the Mombie Apocalypse

STEP 1: Occupy Industrial Design

(future steps will hopefully be inserted here as I write them... it's a series)

I'm so sick of everything I use in this house being designed by a man who has never used the contraption to be useful. Every time they "improve" on a gadget, they make it worse. 

For instance, the washing machine. Once upon a time, there was a princess who had the perfect washing machine. She was able to fill it with water first and THEN add a load (like you are supposed to, especially if you use bleach). Then she could start it anywhere in the cycle. If she had a pair of pants she wanted to wear, she could throw it in a small wash down to the last cycle to give it a good wet, soap and rinse before drying it while getting ready. If the load in the wash wasn't spinned dry enough, she could turn it on the spin for some more spin time to get it to perfection for the dryer. Those days are long gone because the knight in shining armor (idiot in tin foil) came by with a new contraption. One with an "easy button." Now the princess is stuck pushing a button to turn it on because that's supposed to be easier than pulling a knob. The door locks until it's done, so no more adding something last second without pissing off the computer. Princess is also forced into using the only 3 options they give you. No more starting things mid-cycle. No more conserving water. No more extra spin. No more loading the washing machine properly. No more adding bleach or fabric softener at the right time. 

It reminds me of poem written by Ice Cube:

"For all ya n-bombs (i'm white, I can't say it to quote it) that don't do gangsta rap
Don't get on TV talking about gangsta rap
Cause 9 times at a 10 you don't know the fuck you talk about
Talk about that bullshit rap you do
Stay the fuck out of mine"

So with that said, if I could improve upon life as a domestic engineer in the realm of industrial design and architecture, here's some things I'd do (as a mom and a woman) if I could make it happen:

1. The Dishwasher

First and foremost, household dishwashers would come standard restaurant grade dishwashers. The ones they have in most houses now, those are great for a couple, or a single person, but anyone who reproduced needs something with more Tim the Tool Man Taylor Arr Arr Arrrgh power.

I'll tell you why. The regular dishwashers (shouldn't even be called that) only fit like 1 pot or pan and enough dishes for a family of 3 for ONE MEAL. That wouldn't be so bad, but it takes about 20 dollars of your water bill and an hour of your life to wash. And then most of them suck at washing. You have to pre-wash, and then post-wash the soap off. Even if you don't use powder soap, there's a powder residue of soap and questionable black stuff.

Me, I have a family of 5, and they won't stop eating. They eat more than the Man vs Food guy. In one day, we usually dirty about a few pots... well we dirty every dish I own in a day. Using as many paper products as possible helps reduce it, but for whatever reason, it's not enough. And handwashing doesn't feel sanitary.

The restaurant grade dishwasher washes a small load in 90 seconds. Pre-washing is a blast (literally) because it's like hosing down your dishes with the garden hose on full blast, except with hot water. This should be the standard device for a dishwasher in every household. Period.

If men did dishes, this would be the standard household dishwasher...

2. A drain in the kitchen and bathroom floor.

They have it for laundry rooms and basements, a drain on the floor. But anyone with small children knows where the drain would be most useful. Kids will flood your bathroom more than God will flood your basement with rain. Period. And then there's those occasions where the children attempt to do the dishes, meaning they hose the entire kitchen down, which really isn't a bad idea like I'd rather hose the cabinets clean than wipe them down, except no drain for the water.

3. Robot Nanny

Please someone invent this. I mean, it wouldn't be designed to babysit your kids for you without supervision, that's just insane to think a robot could do that, but something that can randomly scream, "Stop fighting," every 30 seconds, and "in a minute," would save me a load of work. It would be awesome if she could play Nick Jr. on her butt, and stick her finger in an ear to take a kid's temperature. She could also have some electronic version of Candyland programmed into her, and maybe Minecraft. Just something to amuse the kids so I can write something, clean something, or take a dump.

4. Mommy's Pet

This would be my invention by imagination (as in it doesn't exist YET). It's a Furby for moms. It's designed to go with moms everywhere like a stuffed animal for kids, but it's useful. Like every time you go into the car, it asks, "I see we are in the car, where are we going?" and then it has automated responses based on your answer. Like if you say, "I'm going to the store," it would then say, "Do you have your list? Do you have your wallet? Or did you leave that with your brain by the coffee pot?" or if you say, "I'm going to take the kids to school," it would respond, "Looking like that? Do they have their backpacks? Are you wearing pants? Do you have anything on your teeth?" Or if it hears someone else say, "aww how cute, are they all yours?" it can respond, loudly, "yes, hard to believe all those came out of her vagina isn't it? We're so proud of her." And like if it hears, "My jimmie just made the honor roll, again," it can respond, "Yeah, well so did my balls."

It would have GPS capabilities so when you lose it, you can find it with your computer or phone, but also it will tell you when you missed your exit, again, because you were thinking about what you were going to cook for dinner 3 days from now. It would also help keep track of crap you say for at least 5 minutes, so when you say, "What was I thinking about?" it could answer. It might even solve the age old question of, "What did I come into this room for?" It can also keep track of schedules with alarms, whether it makes an ungodly sound to wake you up every morning, or remind you at 2:45 PM M-F that it's time to pick up the spawns from school, but it can also say, "You have a doctor's appointment today" like 10 times that day.

It would also randomly break out into song like, "The hills are alive with the Sound of Music," and somewhere, we'd have to incorporate random Michael Jackson Hee Hee's.

You should be able to find it as a cat, dog, chicken, unicorn pegasus, dragon (for goth moms), and tiger (for tiger moms). The hands would be clips so you can clip it to your outfit, backpack, purse, car, and put random things in its hands like paper with notes on it.You can also get it different outfits so you can post pictures of it on Facebook, and with the clippy hands, it would replace elf on the shelf for the rest of the year with crazy poses and notes.

It would basically be a personal assistant and a coping device in one.

5. A walk-in Refrigerator/Freezer

Not only would it store tons of food, and not only is it a haven for hot flashes, well yeah. I will need this before menopause. 

We also need to totally re-design the car. Something with more cupholders, an actual trash can, and can be hosed down between uses on the inside.... And the car seat? How about one you can also hose down and actually buckle without breaking a finger? I mean even the table lamp can be built a little more kid tough. How about a sippy cup that is actually spill proof? This is a billion dollar idea here. One of you readers need to put your entrepreneurial cap on and make this happen. You might save the world from its own destruction. Seriously, young moms do not know when to add fabric softener anymore for goodness sake.

I also had another brilliant idea, but I forgot what it was because I don't have a Mom Furby Pet.

Oh, and let's destroy any and all remnants of white carpet. It will be like when we burned bras back in the 60's.


This is just step 1 of taking over the world. We need this first because we need to do our housework and momming in half the time to make room for things like occupying the government; talk about a place that needs a mom to scream, "Stop fighting" every 30 seconds....