The Banana Split Molten Cake Diet Totes Replaces the Subway One: Plus some free exercising tips for those who do that sort of thing.

I designed some new crap for Finish the Sentence Friday. We now have rainbow hair and friendly unicorns.

This week's prompt: My favorite way to exercise is… OR It's bathing suit season, and to prepare, I...

Fitness buffs, read through to the bottom. 

This bastard right here keeps me fat

In the present day, my favorite exercise to prepare for bathing suit season is driving thru Sonic and devouring the Strawberry Banana Split Molten Cake. It's cake with a fudgy center topped with ice cream, strawberries, bananas, whipped cream and a cherry. Sometimes, I have to have two of them to feel satisfied. Then, when I go to put on my bathing suit, I bitch that I'm too fat to fit in my old suit. It's a two piece, one designed to cover the belly entirely if you are that size. I'm not that size anymore, and my fat roll is a skin touching skin, fat bastard before the subway diet, hanging out and drooping like drapes kind of roll. That fat roll peeps out my suit like horrific cleavage loud and proud to give everyone and their children nightmares while encouraging other women to diet. There are women out there who look at my gut and think to themselves, "Thank God I did all those pilates." All this because of that damned molten cake from Sonic that I love and admire so much. 

To try to fix this and actually prepare for the rest of bathing suit season, I'm doing the lazy diet. I'm taking Diet Pills. I need something for energy anyway. Gone are the days of ephedrine (thanks meth heads. fuck you). It's now some herbal shit that, if in the right mood with your sun in the right planet, might give you a burst of energy for an hour or so. But if you mix it with those vitamin enhancing drinks that contains large quantities of Niacin, it kind of gives you a false sense of energy. I think the weight loss benefits are also a false sense thing too, but shhhh, we aren't telling my body that. I mean Banana Split Molten Cake people. I can't give that up... I can't give up my shallow, hollow sense of fulfillment for shallow, hollow cultural expectations of a woman's appearance. 

In fact, I'm kind of pissed off that nobody really gives a shit that all these men go shirtless... Fat, round hairy men going shirtless, at the pool, in the garage. It's ok for men to be fat. They don't exercise for shirtless season. Nope, just us women because we have expectations and shit. 

Now, once upon a time, I was in the military, and I actually did exercise. Here's some tips if you are wanting some. And not just steak tips. No, like real tips Dr. Oz might not tell you because he's kind of plastic looking and might be a robot. 

Protein

I don't know why women avoid this. You know who eats large quantities of protein while working out? Body Builders. Why? It's necessary. Let me explain what you are doing when you exercise. You are killing cells. Then your body rebuilds shit it needs. In order for your body to rebuild anything, cells require protein to make new cells. While protein bars usually come with a carb filled punch, Tuna is high in protein, and a better protein all the way around, especially for "dieting." 

Size

Don't pay attention to your weight. Instead pay attention to your clothing size. Muscle weighs more than fat. When you exercise, you make new muscles. If you are doing it right, you should gain weight while losing a clothing size. 

Drink Water

A lot of times our bodies get thirsty and think, "Gee, I need a steak." Water can sometimes replace a meal sized snack, but also water is anti-aging in the sense that hydrated skin is healthy skin. Mild dehydration sucks and slows you down. Water helps clean out the system. There's a million and one crunchy reasons to drink water. Just don't drink any water from Charleston, West Virginia. 

You are what you do

A military PT test usually entails running 1.5 miles, pushups and situps. I struggled passing that test when I first got in on account I was so out of shape. Every day in basic training, including Sundays, we ran about 3 miles and completed over a hundred pushups and situps. In addition, every chance in between many of us snuck in some extra pushups either by mouthing off to the instructors or seeing who can outperform the other in a minute. I did lose some fat doing that. But I barely, after weeks of that kind of training, passed the PT test. My run time was a little less than 14 minutes, and I could do about 20 situps, and 15 push ups. 

So then I went to tech school (this is a true story). There I met a really hot guy I kind of wanted to hook up with, and he invited me to go swimming with him. So to flirt, I went swimming every day for 1.5 weeks. In that time, we attempted to swim 20 lengths, though there were days we didn't quite make 20 before making out, and then I took a PT test. My run time was more like 12 minutes. My pushups were more like 35, and my situps more like 30. Then that guy wouldn't talk to me anymore because I didn't "put out," so I started dating a Marine (who didn't need a woman to put out so I eventually did). He made me do PT with him a lot. By the time he was done with me, running and pushups and really amazing sex, my run time was down to 11 to 12 minutes, and my pushups were 73 in a minute, and situps, 55 to 60 in a minute. 

Then I went on to my first duty station where my boyfriend changed due to location. He didn't exercise, and we were two miles above sea level. My run time was more like 14 minutes, situps at about 40 and pushups about 50. 

Then I got out of the Air Force and avoided PT all together. Now I could probably walk that mile and a half in under 20 minutes if I'm lucky. I do about 5 pushups now. Sometimes 12 if I really push it. I haven't attempted a situp in years, but I don't think I can do one. 

Moral of the story? Two things.

1. Swimming is awesome. It's one of the best exercises out there. It works muscles you didn't know you have. It's a cardio and muscular-toning workout in one. You don't sweat much because you are in the water. It's easier on the joints. And the strokes force you to breath a pattern better suited and more comfortable for cardio. Swimming alone improved my PT scores where rigorous training couldn't. 20 lengths 3 times a week, freestyle up and breast stroke back, will do more than an hour at the gym plus yoga. 

2. You are who you do. This is beyond boyfriends. Friends matter. If you spend time of your day with people who work out, more than likely, you will start working out, and you will work out the way they do. And if you really want to lose weight and improve your performance, you really want to go to the best. Date a Marine. 

Weights / Strength Training

When you lift really heavy weights one or two times, I mean really heavy beyond what you think you can do and you push yourself to do it anyway, that's how you get bulky muscles. If you want to tone your muscles, do weights, but light weights and many many reps. Meaning take 10 to 30 pounds and repeat the small exercise 50 times. This is good for the cellulite stuff and lumpy butt syndrome too. And scientific fact from scientific sources say that the ONLY way we truly know how to increase metabolism is to build muscle. 

Diet

When it comes to food, if you are working out like mentioned above, you probably can eat whatever you want. I did in the military and lost lots of weight. Then I lost even more weight eating less, but whatever I wanted including fried foods and cake batter, just by cleaning my house with my 3 kids in their baby / toddler years. 

But if you want to "eat healthy," aim for things that you can hunt or gather. Avoid kitchens that are laboratories.  

The important thing is your diet should match your activity. Marines eat more calories, fat and carbs than any other creature on earth. While active duty, you wouldn't know that because most of them could model underwear. It's because they are so active, they need all those damn carbs and fat. Many keep the same diet and upon exiting the Corps (they are still Marines, just not active ones), many gain weight. It's because they stopped rucking and shit, but continued to eat like they were. 

Lifestyle

The Air Force is dying to catch up to the Army and Marines. They out-perform us on every physical level overseas in real life scenarios. The Air Force, due to it's oxymoronic military intelligence, believes they need to increase PT to catch up. They are wrong. It's not working. I'll tell you why. Marines and Army do PT all the time, but their PT is a break from their real training. Most of what they do to train and function on the job entails running, jogging, swimming, marching... all with about 50 to 100 pounds of gear toppled on them while wearing heavy boots. Air Force can increase their PT all they want, but as long as they are gear free in tennis shoes, they aren't really training for much. 

The lesson is your lifestyle matters. You can work out all you want, but if your lifestyle entails sitting on your butt more than moving around, it's not going to do much. It's good to do it, I mean if you are sitting on your butt a lot, you're going to need those little bursts of working out to maintain your current status, but I lost more weight and got in my best shape cleaning my house while taking care of a baby and 2 toddlers at the same time. I lost more sanity than I did weight, but I lost weight. That was more activity than the military ever gave me. 

Stretch

Longer muscles are stronger muscles.

Keep in mind, you are getting skinny tips from a fat woman. Strength tips from someone who can do 4 push ups. But I'm right. I mean, it's gospel truth stuff right there, but if you don't want to believe me, it's your body, one you should love no matter what size it is. But loving yourself like that is just as difficult as all the exercise lifestyle changing crap I just mentioned. I know. I obviously don't enjoy having my fat bastard stomach roll, but I do frequently grab my stomach and squish it so it looks like it's talking, and it frequently says, "Get in my bellay." 

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