PMS and Men...

So I've been discussing PMS on my page because mine this month is brutal. My normally barely C Cups have swollen into DD Cups, hard cups like someone inserted rocks to make them bigger. My ass is also an inflated puffy bulge that is twice the size of its normalness, and if I weren't so pissed off at the world, I'd probably enjoy dropping it like it's hot. But it's not hot. In fact it's all temperatures. I go from cold sweats to hot flash in point five, and it's constant. For days. Cold sweat for hours where I'm hovering over the broiler followed by a sweaty hot flash where I'm hugging the freezer just to get cold again....

Then on top of it, I have the mood swings. One minute, I want my own hotel room to get away from everyone and the next second I'm thinking that's not a good idea because then I'd miss everyone and I start crying thinking about not seeing my kids for a whole whopping night, and then I think how it would be awesome to not see my kids for one night just be free and then I feel super guilty for it because PMS IS A BITCH.

And that thought process goes for everything. Talking to people. Talking to other people's kids. Talking on the phone. THe husband. Taking a shower. Not taking a shower. Cooking dinner. Watching Dora....

Then the men come in with their brilliance. I think regardless of where you stand on the PMS psycho spectrum, you've probably had part of this conversation at least once a month...

Woman: Don't bother me right now. I have hormonal issues that make me mad over nothing and because i know that's not fair to you, I'm just saying don't bother me okay?

Man: But I'm really concerned for you. That's not fair you have to go through that. Let me help.

Woman: No, you can't help, and you are starting to  piss me off already.

Man: But I can make you laugh. Let me try with some stupid horseshittery...

Woman: Stop it. You are really starting to piss me off.

Man: Fuck you and your fucking woman problems and stupid mood swings like I'm not having one right now. Let me piss you off out of concern for your pissed offness. Let me help by making it worse. And now this isn't even about you or your PMS but about me and my stupid mamby pamby feelings, because pissing you off isn't enough for my sadistic evil pleasure. I must add guilt and make you second guess your sanity and self worth with it because I'm the alpha dog and you are the woman.

And then in many cases like mine:

Woman: Are you serious with that horse shit? (throw out evil glare where I really am thinking about divorce and murder at the same time)

Man: No, I was kidding. It was a joke. If you didn't have PMS you'd think it was funny. I'm sorry. I love you.

Woman: I don't know. Rub my feet. Then we'll see how I feel.


So I say this to all you ladies out there. Milk your men. If they are going to be inconsiderate assholes to you during your time of psycho where your body is preparing to tear down walls, whether it's intentional or not, whether it's sadistic maniacalism or not, use it to guilt him into doing the shit he should be doing anyway, whether it's taking out the trash, washing dishes or rubbing your feet. Yes you men SHOULD be rubbing our feet and our backs and what not because a massage therapist is 60 an hour. If I clean the house to avoid paying maid service, and I watch the kids to avoid paying nanny services, then you can rub my motherfucking feet to avoid paying massage therapy services.