Secret Sweet Stash: Top emergency things I hide from the kids to treat my PMS and womanness

This is more useful than funny, but since The Bloggess posted a similar blog today, I think I will post this. It's been sitting in drafts for a long minute.

READ THE BLOGGESS'S POST TOO

We women have needs. Something with the hormones and the vagina and the boob sweat mixed together that makes us have these needs. No, I'm not talking about emotional shit where you have to tell me you love me in a way that I can't twist into how it also insinuated there is another woman. No this is WAY more important than that. It's a basic necessity like water and air. Chocolate.

It doesn't actually have to be chocolate. It's just got to satisfy that sweet craving.

I'm not one to eat a lot of sweets. I've been addicted to Diet Coke since like 1993. I think I killed my taste buds with that. Sugar makes me sick. I have to be careful about ingesting too much sugar (or cream for that matter) at once. It's what makes coffee a difficult habit because if I mess up my cup of coffee at all with that, instead of waking me the fuck up, it knocks me the fuck out with a belly ache. I know. I know. Drink it black. I over did that once. My suggestion to you. If you drink coffee black, avoid drinking 3 pots in one night straight from the pot in an attempt to do 3 weeks worth of work into a last second all nighter. You can get coffee drunk with a coffee hangover so bad that you will swear off coffee forever. To this day, I still can't drink Maxwell House. Or Boones Farm Strawberry Hill for that matter.

Anyway, back to my point. Even without the normal sweet tooth, I still have sweet cravings, especially after eating a delicious meal. A bite of chocolate after a good steak dinner is like the cigarette after sex. I just have to have a bite or two of something sweet once in a while. I don't want some huge restaurant quality 10 dollar dessert. No. I just want a little bite.

Olive Garden Dolcini

Olive Garden gets that with these little desserts they came up with, Dolcini, though their Tiramisu is my addiction I can't refuse. I always order Tiramisu demanding someone to, "Share it with me," and then nobody else gets a bite because I ate the whole thing. If I get a tummy ache, it's well worth it. They also have those little Andes mints, perfect to keep around the house. You can buy Andes mints, or you can woman the fuck up and show some cleavage and ask a horny Olive Garden server for three handfuls of them.

Now here's the problem. Most of my favorite meals that require a sweet nothing being ingested after consumption are my meals, ones I prepared. And, keeping shit around the house that resembles anything sweet or fabulous is not really always possible with a husband and children running a muck. It's like trying to grow catnip with a cat. No. It's more like trying to grow marijuana with Snoop Dogg.

So here is a short list of shit I keep around the house to satisfy my sweet bite that I've thus far managed to keep away from the husband and children sort of.... In addition to Olive Garden mints...

1. Chocolate. This one is tough to keep out of reach of people, but I usually hide some in a bowl in the cabinet on top of the stack of bowls in the back. I also keep some far back into the freezer, usually behind the frozen chicken because nobody wants to touch the poultry. I also have one of those books that isn't a book. It's a storage thing that looks like a book so you can hide money in it and trick a thief. Well, chocolate often goes in there too. You could probably cut out the pages of a book titled something like, Human Anatomy, The Leviathan, The history of pi, or Great Expectations . In the winter months where heat isn't an issue, I keep an emergency stash in the car and my purse.

Oh, and chocolate chips in the baking section of your cabinets. Nobody thinks, "Oh there could be chocolate underneath that mess of flour, sugar, brown sugar, baking powder, baking soda, confectioner's sugar...." Just don't let anyone catch you taking from that stash. They only know what they have learned.

2. Werthers Original. For whatever reason, my kids don't like those.

3. Bit O Honey. Same deal. My kids don't like them.

4. Trader Joes Speculoos Cookie Butter. I will just grab a good heaping spoon full of that shit and lick it like a popsicle.

5. Betty Crocker Warm Delights. The good thing about nobody knowing how to cook anything that requires following the easy instructions on the back of the box is that nobody touches these. I keep them with the plates and bowls just in case they get brave and want to try it. It's really easy too. Mix a TBSP of water with the powder and nuke it for 30 seconds. Easier and faster than using an Easy Bake Oven.





6. And then there's Nick Mom's idea. I haven't tried this yet, but I think I should. Not only should I try this, but I think I want to decorate the living room in those shades.

From Nick Mom

The things women do to cover her nipples...

This morning, I woke up and it was cold. So I was wearing this white tank top and black yoga pants and decided to put on a sweatshirt. I kept my house near igloo status all day, so I was comfortable in this sweatshirt, that was until I left to go to my mother's house in a huge hurry.

Why a hurry? Because I'm me. Because I woke up, baked cookie bars from scratch, rushed them down to my nephew's bake sale, talked to people, came home, took a 20 minute nap, gave the kids a bath and was already running an hour late getting to my mother's house for the family dinner that entailed family coming in from out of town. They called me like 10 times to ask me when I was going to get there because calling people like that ALWAYS makes them move faster. It NEVER interrupts people from doing things that would get them there faster to answer the phone. For whatever reason, things like dishes, folding laundry, shampooing a kid's head, buckling the car seat, wiping a poopy ass/changing a diaper, walking with 20 million things in your hands and taking a dump seems to send that telepathic invite to your loved ones to call you. It's like magic. It's to a point where I purposely do the dishes so that someone who didn't answer their phone will call me back.

My car, the Escape (pronounced Eh Scah Pay), I've had her since 2004. The model and name is very fitting considering I once needed to get away from this place and everyone, and the military was my ESCAPE, which was exactly when I bought her. She's my horse. One time I was lost in Wyoming during a freak storm where there was hail and flooding and sirens going off all over town to get indoors, and I saw the road I needed to be on, but I couldn't find a road to get me there. Instead, I found a very muddy field. That girl drove through it like it was gravel. If you own a field in Wyoming and wondered who drove through it one July back in 2006, that would be me. I was really really lost and I'm sorry.

Anyway, Eh Scah Pay being so old, some things don't work anymore, like she's gone to the mechanic a few times for it and they can't get it to work again. The AC is one of them. So this sweatshirt got really hot. Fast.

Problem is, white tank top underneath. I don't know who the fuck designs these clothes. I can't tell if it's men who do this on purpose, or gay men who wouldn't know better, or really dumb women, but any tank top with a built in bra anymore has one of two things... If it has pads, those things fold up in the wash forcing you to fuck with bra cups for an hour so you don't have lumpy lady lumps. or Two, if it ain't black, you are going to see nipples. In my case today, you can see my nipples like a wet t-shirt. And all I had over it was a sweat shirt.

It would have been a long hot flash at my mom's house if I didn't get creative fashion designer on myself... check it out...

(P.S. Excuse my fat. I recently ordered a tub of Trader Joe's Cookie Butter, so I've been putting it on everything like honey buns and chocolate cookies).

Notice my stunning sunglasses? The hair style is hot mess, and I think I wear it well, especially when coordinated with the no make-up witch face. Now on the right, check out that ass... That's a cookie butter ass. Sexy shit. Well, not really. Like the ass is sexy. The shit, not so much.

Remember when people used to tie their sweatshirts around their waist? Yeah, this is the new way to tie them now. Really it is. I swear to you. All the cool people wear their shirts like this now. Mmm Hmmm. TRUST ME.