Bet you didn't know I was a rebel at the pool today...

Today, I got yelled at by a lifeguard because she thought I was going to slide down the slide with the 3 year old, and I wasn't. I was just trying to get her to slide down. You would think the fact that my fat ass itself wasn't anywhere near the slide (I was standing the whole time, and we are talking a 3 foot slide if that) would clue the poor daft blond teen. I had to scream across the pool because bitch wasn't getting a clue. Cmon now, if I went down that slide, with my boobs, in that bathing suit, I'd flash the whole world and give all the married men wet dreams for the rest of their lives. I'm not in the mood to take on a mob of jealous wives. That should also have been obvious to the silly blond girl.

THEN, I got dirty looks from lifeguards when the pool closed. Three year olds have to do EVERYTHING THEMSELVES, including getting out of the pool. So we humored her, let her back in long enough to walk herself out since her stupid father had to go and carry her out knowing much better than that... Then I told the hubs, "I don't think they approve our parenting." He's like, "Just wait until they have kids. Karma's a bitch." I'm like, "How much you want to bet they read my blog and be like, 'it's like she really gets me,' having no idea they just eye rolled the person who wrote it..."

A couple years ago, a lifeguard whistled me for employing the use of the F-word with my husband. See, my mother in law was in town. She's a bitch. She's worse than that, but we'll stop at bitch today. She was in town. We planned for days to take the kids swimming that day. MIL was all for it. Not one complaint. Not one "I don't really want to." No, it was, "They'll love it." Now I know some women hate the pool because bathing suits, but this woman is from Puerto Rico. She goes to the beach and the pool all the time. So when she made my husband leave me with a baby and two toddlers who can't swim by myself at the pool last second decision so she could instead go antique shopping, this momma wasn't happy. Of course, that day, my oldest daughter, like 4 at the time, befriended the kid who won't listen to anyone and breaks all the rules, so when that girl dove into the lazy river to swim with the current, my daughter followed. I lost my mind. Called the hubs. Demanded he get to the pool. He did. He was pissed. AT ME. Fucker what? Fucker you pissed at me? So was his mom. This was before i knew she was a cunt. I went off on him. 3 snaps and a neck roll. Nobody was around who could hear us but the lifeguard and my kids. I couldn't even hear other people's kids screaming.

So what does life guard do? Blows his whistle. Yes that ballsy little zit faced snot blew his whistle at me, mid rant. "Don't use the f-word." Fuck you talkin about? What fuckin F-word? "That F-word." Why? "Kids are present." Where the fuck do you think they come from? "It's a bad word. You shouldn't be using it." Really? Bad word? Well I'm French. It's not a bad word in France. "You are not French." Baisez-vous! Oui je suis. I am French.... That shut him up. BTW, I'm not French. I eat French Fries a lot, but I dip them in ketchup and that's pretty American.

I don't get lifeguards. I guess they get bored and have to troll once in a while, though the ones I seem to attract the most attention from don't seem to always require intellectual stimulation so I'm not really sure.

I also discovered today, at the pool, in the bathroom waiting for a kid to pee, I have my mother's ass. It's her ass. Not her sexy young woman's ass. No. Her I got old frumpy yet incredibly sexy for reasons beyond my understanding ass. She didn't really form it until her 50's. I'm no where near my 50's. My ass is aging too fast. I know. I know. I should try pilates or something.

And I need to clean my house like a cat in heat needs to go outside, or the vet... I'm vowing to do so tomorrow because my fortune in my fortune cookie says, "You will soon achieve perfection." Good enough for me. I think I'm even going to scrub the shower and change the shower curtain (if I can find the new shower curtains I bought for such an event). Yeah. It's been that long.

That last part was random. I know. I should probably end all my blog posts with the status of my house, not to brag, but so that you guys feel good about yourselves. It's almost like watching an episode of hoarders except I actually clean all the stuff a lot. You just can't tell. BTW, I always clean with the kids present. Yeah, I basically nail Jello to a tree on a regular basis. Of course, you can't tell because the Jello keeps sliding off, but that doesn't stop me from trying ALMOST every day.

And swim carefully. Lifeguards be tryin to catch you swimmin dirty. Remember also, a drowning kid is usually a very quiet kid. Don't trust a lifeguard to figure it out. They are too busy saving you from the Fuck word.

A tribute to the Fuck Word and the Fucking Monkey Business that Makes it Bad

This isn't just about the fuck word though, but I'm going to start off about the Fuck word.

The fuck word is awesome and I'll tell you why.

1. It's my favorite activity. It really is fun. If you haven't tried it, don't say shit about it.

2. It's where babies come from. Actually mother fuckers are where babies come from.

3. The Bible in no way is against it. In fact, it's all for it. It's all about pro-creating and guess what that means? It's all about fucking and making children.

4. It scares away religious nut jobs. I keep a couple FUCK pictures (pics of the word, not the actual activity) in my public photos on Facebook just for that reason. I wouldn't want to give people the misconception that my Facebook profile is rated G. I talk about a lot of adult topics such as parenting, politics, religion, and relationships. If you can't handle the word FUCK, then you can't handle the level of intellect and substance required to have a conversation with me.

5. It rhymes with Luck, and suck...

6. The word is very multi-purpose

7. There's really no bad way to use the word fuck, like being called a fucker just means you get laid a lot, which is very good for your psyche.

8. It goes well with alcohol, another thing I love.

9.  Spankings are sometimes involved.

10. Because I fucking like it.  


Now cuss words, all together, I don't understand what the big fuss is about. They are just words. In math, they'd be just numbers. For instance, Fuck in binary code looks like 01100110011101010110001101101011. Now if I said 01100110011101010110001101101011 me, would you damn me to hell? You can't recognize it unless it's in English can you? Doesn't that clue you into that it's just letters making a sound?

I don't get why it's always the religious people against it. Again, it's an English word. The Bible was written in Hebrew and Greek. The word didn't fucking exist back then. Hell, our alphabet didn't exist back then. Words that would translate to the fuck word or any synonym of the word such as sex, copulation, fornication... was used frequently in the Bible. So and so and so and so Beget this person. Well that's just another way of saying, "so and so fucked so and so and out spawned this person." And then there's these stories from Cracked.com... The 6 Raunchiest, Most Depraved Sex Acts (From the Bible). Yep. the Bible has a lot of Fucking going on in it. In fact, I'd say the book should be rated R between the violence and the fucking.

And bad words? Do words have souls? No they don't. While it would be ironic if the word damn actually did make it to hell, it won't because it doesn't have a soul. Words are designed to only have the meaning you give them. They are TOOLS. Only you can choose to use ANY WORD in a good way or a bad way. Trust me, I can insult the piss out of someone without using one bad word. The one that seemed to be most effective is I talked about this girl to her boyfriend/my friend with the girl there and was like, "I'm so glad you got a new lap dog. I personally can't stand those yippee dogs that bark constantly. Have you taught it any tricks yet? Roll over and play dead would be a good one to teach it...." I basically just said, "I'm so glad you found yourself a bitch." Is it any nicer without the cuss words? No. It's actually more mean that way. Obviously, if you read the cracked article, anyone can turn something awesome like fucking into something nasty, like incest. It's not the fuck word that made them do it. Wine and veils were their excuse. But really, there are some bad words which I'll get to in a minute...

Does anyone know who deemed these words bad words? That whole "fornication under consent of king" and other variations is bull shit. That didn't happen. Nobody knows. I've already googled the subject. I can only assume that the poor had a vocabulary the rich chose not to use in order to sound like they are better people than the poor. You know what? Fuck you snobs. Fuck you for real because you just fucking removed half of the best part of our language from your vocabulary with your snobby ways, so yeah, karma is an instant bitch.

Now I'm not all for little kids cussing. For whatever reason, brainwashing by society, it irks me.
I call cuss words "bad manner words," and my kids aren't to use them around adults. Any place you wouldn't fart without saying excuse me is a place where you don't cuss, and if you do by accident, you excuse yourself. And I tell them they WILL get in trouble saying them in front of teachers at school. Judge me all you want, but I'm doing it right. Now racial slurs and words designed to degrade a group of people you are not intending to insult such as fat or gay, now those are actually bad words you never use. Why are they bad words? Because there's really no way to use them without hurting someone's feelings, and it's usually someone you didn't intend on hurting their feelings. Of course, people like Westboro have no problem insulting groups of people like all homosexuals because they hate all homosexuals. The KKK has no problem using the n-bomb. Of course both are hate groups.

If only more parents put some thought into their shit, we wouldn't have this problem because kids just want to insult each other, and at times almost have to for basic survival, and if they can't say "You are a stupid twat," because mom and dad are going to freak out, they come out with, "You are fat faggot" because those aren't bad words to too many people. One of my nephews started calling people "Cuban" as a way to say the word "Stupid," because he wasn't allowed to call people stupid. I put that to a stop fast. I then taught him Shakespearean insults. You can't get better than Shakespeare's insults. Plus, you can't get in trouble at school for quoting him. My favorite one is, "Your virginity breeds mites much like a cheese."

But there is something definitely wrong with our society when it's common to call people fat, a word designed to make someone feel bad about their weight (which isn't always something so easy to control because if it were, they'd be as skinny as you) but we have issues calling people something they choose to be like douche bag or asshole or twatwaffle. And for society to deem "mother fucker" a bad word. Fuck that. Mother fuckers are awesome people. As a mother, I can vouch.

You want to know what it is? What it truly really is? Monkey Business...

Stolen from a friend named Brian....

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while another monkey makes the attempt with same result, all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put the cold water away. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. the newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomertakes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that is the way it has always been done around here.

And that, my fellow monkeys, is how policies form………

And I found this reference for the same story... http://www.life-hack.co.uk/2014/03/the-experiment.html


This is why cussing is wrong. Monkey Business. Is it actually wrong? Probably not. It's a society thing. Man-made, just like the words themselves.

What I sometimes do is tell religious fanatics who judge me for my vocabulary that the word "THE" is actually a satanic symbol. Let's see them try to communicate without an important word like they try to do me. Then I follow it with, "You are fucking fabulous bitch."