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Crumpets and Bollocks: My Zombie Apocalypse Experience

My Zombie Apocalypse Experience




I had this awful, vivid dream last night. I was debating on even posting about it at all to begin with. I ended up posting it on Insane in the Mom-Brain's Facebook page because she's into this sort of thing, but then I decided by the time I finished, it could be a blog post, and it's worthy of coming back to in the future to read. So I'm blogging it too.

Well while Insane in the Mom-Brain was busy getting famous with Yo Flakes (talking snow flakes who didn't melt, like the California Raisins but snowy), I was killing zombies. It was like I was a character in a bad movie that had a never ending supply of sequels to it. I think I just put in 5 years of service here in one night.


My first zombie apocalypse team was the Scooby Doo team. None of them made it. Fred was the first to die actually, and Velma was the last. Shaggy and Scooby did die together.

My second team was a bunch of students and an old pastor from a church. The football player who wanted to join the Marine Corps was the only one to make it. He was really dumb, but he had a big heart. It was really sad too because there was this little strawberry blond girl in love with a black boy, and he loved her but they were broken up and didn't get back together because they are stupid teenagers too scared to talk about it. I got really close to that girl before she disappeared. The boy didn't make it when his twin brother showed up and started beating him up right in the middle of a bunch of zombies. 

Anyway, then, we (football player dude and I) were just loners bouncing from group of people to group of people protecting them and using some of their stuff. 


Few things I learned from this experience. 

1. Zombies smell really bad. Kind of like the smell of the gynecologist's office mixed with a meat packing plant mixed with decaying flesh. Like take the smell of changing your pad on that time of the month and amplify it a thousand times to give you a sense of potency and stench of zombies. Really super gross when you get pieces of zombie on you as you're killing them. Even worse, it's like bleach. You get near it, and the stench sticks to your nose hairs, snot and tastebuds for hours. Nobody wants a zombie apocalypse for this reason alone. Trust. Me.

2. Zombie worms taste better when eaten while they are still alive, but don't let them get in your hair. 

3. The Air Force is an awesome friend in the case of a zombie apocalypse, up until the point they all become zombies. Knowing how to operate their equipment would be a fabulous thing to know, like how to fly a bomber and blow up shit. 

4. You definitely want stuff that can fly. Besides the obvious, crossing bridges full of zombies suck. Fly over the terrain.

5. A time machine is also useful. While you will send your own family back in time to a safer place, you will still go time traveling to try to find out what started the whole thing and try to stop it for your future generations.

6. Every time it rains or snows, shit always happens. 

7. Never trust the old minister. They are the first to go insane, like we are all going to die anyway let's get maniacal about it and make people die insane.

8. I think I might of gotten the 2 year old's dream last night by accident and that scares me that she might have dreams like this. 

9. I'd very much rather kill noravirus and Christmas mess than zombies. I have a new found respect for boring.

10. If there was ever a zombie apocalypse, I will never survive the mental stress unless my main goal is to chase and kill them as opposed to run from them. 

11. Most teenagers in my dream seemed to be more upset that they were running out of marijuana than they were about the zombies trying to eat them, and that makes me sad because I think it would be that way in real life. 

12. Never forget to fill up gas during daylight hours.

13. Speaking of gas, dreams about zombies give me gas. Wretched, crampy painful gas.

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Crumpets and Bollocks: My Zombie Apocalypse Experience

Friday, December 28, 2012

My Zombie Apocalypse Experience




I had this awful, vivid dream last night. I was debating on even posting about it at all to begin with. I ended up posting it on Insane in the Mom-Brain's Facebook page because she's into this sort of thing, but then I decided by the time I finished, it could be a blog post, and it's worthy of coming back to in the future to read. So I'm blogging it too.

Well while Insane in the Mom-Brain was busy getting famous with Yo Flakes (talking snow flakes who didn't melt, like the California Raisins but snowy), I was killing zombies. It was like I was a character in a bad movie that had a never ending supply of sequels to it. I think I just put in 5 years of service here in one night.


My first zombie apocalypse team was the Scooby Doo team. None of them made it. Fred was the first to die actually, and Velma was the last. Shaggy and Scooby did die together.

My second team was a bunch of students and an old pastor from a church. The football player who wanted to join the Marine Corps was the only one to make it. He was really dumb, but he had a big heart. It was really sad too because there was this little strawberry blond girl in love with a black boy, and he loved her but they were broken up and didn't get back together because they are stupid teenagers too scared to talk about it. I got really close to that girl before she disappeared. The boy didn't make it when his twin brother showed up and started beating him up right in the middle of a bunch of zombies. 

Anyway, then, we (football player dude and I) were just loners bouncing from group of people to group of people protecting them and using some of their stuff. 


Few things I learned from this experience. 

1. Zombies smell really bad. Kind of like the smell of the gynecologist's office mixed with a meat packing plant mixed with decaying flesh. Like take the smell of changing your pad on that time of the month and amplify it a thousand times to give you a sense of potency and stench of zombies. Really super gross when you get pieces of zombie on you as you're killing them. Even worse, it's like bleach. You get near it, and the stench sticks to your nose hairs, snot and tastebuds for hours. Nobody wants a zombie apocalypse for this reason alone. Trust. Me.

2. Zombie worms taste better when eaten while they are still alive, but don't let them get in your hair. 

3. The Air Force is an awesome friend in the case of a zombie apocalypse, up until the point they all become zombies. Knowing how to operate their equipment would be a fabulous thing to know, like how to fly a bomber and blow up shit. 

4. You definitely want stuff that can fly. Besides the obvious, crossing bridges full of zombies suck. Fly over the terrain.

5. A time machine is also useful. While you will send your own family back in time to a safer place, you will still go time traveling to try to find out what started the whole thing and try to stop it for your future generations.

6. Every time it rains or snows, shit always happens. 

7. Never trust the old minister. They are the first to go insane, like we are all going to die anyway let's get maniacal about it and make people die insane.

8. I think I might of gotten the 2 year old's dream last night by accident and that scares me that she might have dreams like this. 

9. I'd very much rather kill noravirus and Christmas mess than zombies. I have a new found respect for boring.

10. If there was ever a zombie apocalypse, I will never survive the mental stress unless my main goal is to chase and kill them as opposed to run from them. 

11. Most teenagers in my dream seemed to be more upset that they were running out of marijuana than they were about the zombies trying to eat them, and that makes me sad because I think it would be that way in real life. 

12. Never forget to fill up gas during daylight hours.

13. Speaking of gas, dreams about zombies give me gas. Wretched, crampy painful gas.

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