How to Really Win a Debate

When up against ignorant people, the best thing to do is walk away. Well most of us can't do that, but at some point, you have to at least realize you are talking to a brick wall and completely wasting your time.

It helps to understand why some people believe what they believe. Most people consider their opinions to be a form of self-identity, and many find their tribe based on that. Remember back in high school when they had cliques? That is still relevant in adulthood. Instead of being the cheerleader where it's expected for you to dress cute in a fake tan with a fake smile, now you are the crunchy person where your friends are going to be offended if you eat gluten and don't support gun control.

I do suspect some of my "conservative" friends have opinions that are in-line to the Republican platform because they want people like me to perceive them as wealthy business merchants, which is why they would totally give away their rights to things like clean water for more important things like corporate profit maximization. It is part of their identity to be about numbers and money as opposed to morals and responsibility, wait a minute... All that's supposed to be part of the conservative identity... Oh the tribe. The "important" people running the corporation is a friend of a friend of a friend... And of course, they want you to know all the important people they know, because that makes them important, and of course, because they are important, they want to make sure that laws don't impede on their importantness. Because it's really not about what they stand for, but about who they are.

So now that you know the psychology behind any debate, like "Anti-Vaxxers" and "Pro-Vaxxers." You can easily see this situation to finding the truth, "how safe are vaccines?" is just as complex as the human mind because of the human mind. Studies have shown using facts only makes them resort to myths all the more. By trying to "help them see the light," we are only pushing them farther into the darkness. Why? Personal Identity. When you attack an argument with facts, they see it as an attack on their character. Keep in mind that no matter how you feel, "they" is also YOU.

Tips to Actually Win the Internets in a Debate

1. Fight debauchery with humor. 

You can quickly deescalate a heated argument by saying something incredibly ridiculous, full of nonsense and laced with humor. There really is no reason to have the other person walk off pissed off. I mean we aren't here to ruin each others days. Be the bigger person.

I have used pictures of my boobs holding an object for charity as a great diffusing device when up against men. They usually stop arguing with me and start flirting. Yeah, basically I flash a man mid-meltdown. Men are so easy. It also works on my husband, in case you ever get into a debate with him. (You're Welcome Rafael). Women, on the other hand, not so much. You really have to get a feel for the type of woman you are dealing with, and try to appeal to her sense of humor. For instance, if she seems to enjoy man bashing, then throw in a good man bashing joke, even if you are a man. The point is you want to connect with her (or him if you are too shy to flash people) in some fashion. People are kinder to people they have a bond with. In other words, it helps to remind them you are human on an emotional level.

Some people are straight dicks and do not find you funny just because they hate you. Like if someone else said what you said, they'd love it. But because you said it, they don't. In that case, don't make them laugh. I usually block those people. For real, I don't care if you slept with my husband once, or if you punched me in the face last year, or if you talk about me behind my back, but the moment you decide I'm just not funny, now that's just uncalled for. I don't want to read your posts. Goodbye.

2. Call them out on their method.

For instance, my mom and I were "debating" once on the telephone. When her logic and facts were no longer working in her favor to win the argument, she shifted it into an emotional debate. She said that I obviously don't respect her if I disagree with her. I explained, "Shifting the argument into an emotional crisis does not change the fact that.... and if I did disrespect you, I would have used more bad English like my sister." When that sunk in, we were able to discuss both the topic of debate and her emotions, separately, to a place of agreement and closure.

Most arguments are psychological. It's not about facts. It's not about truth. It's about the human mind. When you can discover the psychology behind people's methods of argument (not the logic), you can approach that. Most people don't want to admit their psychological details to a perfect stranger let alone any flaw to themselves, so they will often disagree with you, but they will also usually stop doing what you claimed they do just to spite you.

3. Socratic Questioning

This is an art, but once mastered, it can be the most effective way to get people to change their minds. I say that because it's the method Jesus Christ used well (in addition to Socrates). I'm not at Jesus Christ level of using this method.

The point of the method is to help people discover the truth for themselves. You can tell me that 2 + 2 = 4, and I can memorize that number and do well with math, but I won't actually learn how to add until I take 2 items, add 2 items, and count, for myself, that there are 4 items total. You can tell people what to believe, or you can show them a better method of finding their own belief for themselves. If you are right, what you stand for should speak for itself. All you need to do is give the person the right questions so that whatever you stand for can speak to them.

It's usually a very invited method into an argument because everyone loves to answer questions about themselves because narcissism.

You can also use this method to annoy the ever living fuck out of people, and to confuse them more. So be careful with it.

4. The most important factor to winning a debate is to be right in the first place.

Most people formulate an opinion and then search and dig for facts and logic that supports their opinion. I am the type of person to formulate my opinion based on facts and logic, which means, I do the reading first and the thinking about it later. Someone just went, "Aha!" My opinions do change as I incorporate new data into the formation of the opinion; however, not many people offer NEW data into a debate compared to what I've already read and researched on the subject, unless the subject is something I have never researched like genetics of yellow-bellied marmots, in which case, I have no opinion. In other words, I don't argue about stuff I don't know.

If you start forming your opinions on actual facts, your opinion will be harder to argue. It's hard to lose an argument when you are the closest thing to being right as possible giving the current data on the situation. People think I'm on a high horse with this, but I am. I did my homework already.

With this, do not be afraid to not know. This has two parts. If you pretend to know something you don't know, you will at least look stupid to the people who do know. The easiest method is to swallow your IQ pride and just admit, "I'm not familiar with that subject," and if you follow it with, "tell me more about it," you will diffuse an argument and turn it more into an actual debate. It makes the person realize that you respect their opinion and give them some credibility.

The second part, it's ok if you don't have an opinion on something. If you really have no idea what happened between Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman to decide guilt, then just say, "I have no opinion yet because I don't know what happened enough to have one." You're also allowed to say, "I don't really care. I'm kind of busy living my life I just don't have the time or interest to google." Yes. I said it. Let it be known in someone else's memoirs that it was I, Michelle L. Grewe, who said, "You're allowed to not give a shit."

If you did your homework, this is my issue, try not to give all the information out in every argument. You appear to be a "Know-it-all," and nobody likes that. While I'm sitting here trying to be Wikipedia, teaching people something, others are taking it as an insult to their intelligence. If they wanted to learn, they'd look it up. They aren't there to learn.

5. Let them Win a Parting Gift

Most people are sore losers. Not many people giggle, "you got me there," or respond, "touche." Most of the time, they search for an argument they think they can win and change the subject, whether it's about your grammar or your manners.

For instance, I have a friend. When we argue, and we argued about this before, it almost ended our friendship... She claimed a sentence like, "She ate dinner and then fell asleep," should have a comma before the word "and" because "and" is a conjunction. I explained that a conjunction joins two independent clauses (being two phrases containing both a subject and a verb) together. In the case of that sentence, you have two verbs and one subject (and independent clause and a dependent one). There would be a comma if you wrote it, "She ate dinner, and then SHE fell asleep." My friend disagreed profusely. I mean we were in a screaming, yelling match over a fucking comma. After showing her 10 different grammar books backing up my claim, she finally was like, "You have to at least agree with me that a comma does go before a conjunction, which is my argument all along."

If you find any opportunity to let them know they were right about something and they aren't total idiots in your mind, let them know... "You were very right about...." Give them a parting gift of some sort.




Remember, you aren't changing the world by debating. You are not solving any world problems by having an opinion. You are just "Discussing" things.

You don't have to turn everything into a debate. I believe some people have such low self-esteems they find themselves wanting to always debate for the false sense of winning, like somehow their dick grows 4 inches just by believing with all of their heart that they are talking to an idiot. But what they do is turn something unemotional like gun control statistics into a passion seeking venue, and I'm sorry but those people just suck at passion. I mean seriously, if the most passionate thing you've done all week is display statistics of crime, you really need to step off the computer and enter the bedroom. Read this Guide to Masturbation. You're welcome. Now that's passion. Make love to yourself. Literally, go fuck yourself. Best advice I ever got in a debate.

Meanwhile, remember to really win a debate, you both walk away from it happy. If you "cremate" them with your facts and what not, you look like an ass, so you didn't really win anything. If you lose the debate and resort to mature things like name-calling and other sore-loser asshattery, then you look like an ass, so you didn't really win anything. In other words, when two people argue, all the passerby sees is two assholes. The only way to WIN a debate where someone agrees that you won is to either not debate in the first place, or end it.

Remember, the other person's opinion really doesn't matter. It won't make you rich. It won't solve a problem. It won't make your bacon taste any better or make your pussy more pleasurable. It's ok if they disagree. They can think the sun is made of hot nacho cheese for all you care. Now that you read that, it will still irk you when someone says something stupid like, "Stop killing my baby with your use of the word retard." You will still speak up. "How clumsy of me, I didn't realize your baby was a retard." And the Asshat Award will go to you, and you will display it with pride.