Watch me get pwned by my kid and Mom Fashion Alert!

If I had an iPhone, I would have updated my Facebook page with the play by play of this day instead of a lump all blog post. Ha. Re-reading I thought I said a hump all blog post. My eyes are even slipping freudian stuff today.

Did you read it first as lump all or hump all? Because I still read hump all every time I read it.

If you don't feel like reading stories about my child pwning her mom, scroll down to the fashion alert. I found a MILF in her natural habitat.

Funny Story 

Today, the kids played hooky from school. Two of my 3 children go. Or was supposed to. Why? Because the 3 year old had an appointment at 11:15 to get caught up on vaccinations. The 6 year old had an appointment at 2:00 because she got her cast wet. Doctor A is an hour drive from Doctor B who is a half hour to an hour drive from the school (school traffic doubles the drive time). There was just no way I would be at school on time to pick up any kids.

First, we drove through McD's for brunch. The oldest wanted pancakes (they serve those all day), and the other two wanted chicken nuggets. All 3 wanted a toy. So I ordered ME a happy meal and took the crappy McDouble so my oldest could have my toy. That's love.

The toy? A panda thing where the mouth pivots open and shut and you can store a small notepad in it.

Annie (the 3 year old), loved that thing. She took in the doctor's office with her. It kept falling apart, the mouth coming off, where I had to reline stud looking bumps with the denty holes and put it back together. About the tenth time I did this, I was like, "Yeah I have to fix it again because I bet they are made in China."

Gabby (the 6 year old on the autism spectrum) responded, "Yea they are mom."

I read the bottom, "Yes they are made in China. How did you know Gabby? Did you read the bottom too?"

Gabby, "No mom. They are pandas. You don't think there are pandas in China?"

Well played kid. Well played.

Funny Story II

So then Annie had 6 shots. The last time she got vaccinated, she was 3 months old. After vaccination, she broke out into eczema, head to toe. It was bad. The issue is, it could be the vaccines. It could be anything because most allergies develop at 3 to 5 months of age. It's an immune thing that develops with the immune system. So, I wanted to get a grip on the eczema and locate allergies before moving forward with vaccines. Doctors were slow at moving forward. In fact I changed pediatricians twice over it. I also changed allergists.

While getting her shots, Annie didn't cry at all. She just said, softly, "Ow." Once. She seemed fine. Everyone was impressed. I was too until we got to the car. See, she's a little more on the sociopathic side. First thing out of her mouth as we got in the car, "That doctor is stupid. I'm not coming back ever again." I reminded her it was MY choice to get her those shots. She wouldn't budge. "Doctor is scary. I'm not coming back."

So I went into a long LONG explanation, repeating myself, rewording what I just said in another way in hopes she'd understand it better about how the shots hurt less than the disease they prevent. How she is better because of them. How the whole point is so that we can avoid getting a certain sick. That it's magic medicine.

Gabby was all into learning about how vaccines work asking a million questions. At some point, the conversation was over and Gabby brought it back up again. I kept using the measles as an example, and that was her obsession. How the measles suck. Then I said, "And now we don't have to worry about getting the measles anymore."

She corrected me... "Mom, you mean YOU don't have to worry about getting the measles anymore. I was never worried about it."

Touche Kid. Touche.

Mom Fashion Alert

We got into the vicinity of the second doctor over an hour early, so I took the kids to the park to play for a while. At some point, a slew of toddlers and their moms showed up, and this one mom stood out to me before her child came running up to me like he knew me for the stuffed penguin I was toting around for the middle child, and then my drink... She apologized. I was like, "It's ok. I'm used to it. I'm the pied piper of children." She laughed. Seriously I am. Three toddlers tried to gank my drink. They left everyone else and their drinks alone. I must have an aura kids are sensitive to.

Anyway, that was enough for me to be all, "I love your outfit. Genius. I'm going to talk about it on my blog. Can I take your picture?"

Is she not beautiful? I'm willing to bet there's probably 50 guys and 10 women crying they didn't get to father her child right now as I type this.

She is wearing a gray t-shirt tucked into a pair of skinny jeans. Dressy right? Right. She dressed it up entirely with a scarf, something she probably grabbed last second on her way out the door.

If you are thinking about scarves this year, check out this video on how to tie scarves. There's actually many more creative endless ways to wear a scarf, but this is a good video for a blog post that isn't about scarves. I might try to remember to write one later (like I have notes, research, and a bunch of blogs on the subject of infinity scarves alone from when I got paid to do it). For realz, the girl scouts should teach these knots...

I also love how the lady of the park parted her hair before pulling it back. I mean, that's a must have for moms, hair pulled back out of the way, especially mums of young ones because we are always bending over to their level. But just brushing your hair back into a pony tail or half assed messy bun (which is in and non-moms actually spend hours trying to achieve what us moms do without a mirror while driving with our knee in 30 seconds), gets old. It gets old. And in my case, I get scraggly chicken danced on my head hair constantly requiring me to take my hair out and put it back up when I decide I probably shouldn't look like the wicked witch of the east for a minute. But this kind of part keeps the scraggles down and looks just a tad bit nicer, dressier. While her hair is definitely healthier than mine, all I'd need is a little more hairspray to hold it in place.

This is the hairspray I use... Or try to... It's not easy to find anymore, but it smells great and holds the hair the best without causing that much buildup.

Back to the lady of the park... This lady, I never did ask her name, has the perfect mom shoes. They are flats. Can't chase kids in heels, well not as well. They are breathable looking to throw on bare feet like flip flops. They are a nude color meaning they look fine with anything you are wearing. While I would probably opt for a black if possible, the nude gives you the option of wearing with dark colors and LIGHT colors. I'm a black person. I buy most of my clothes in black. But I do own white and khaki pants (comfortable ones too), and a lot of lighter tans and brown and white shirts. Even worse, a lot of nude/white throw it on real quick dresses. Black shoes look hideous with that, and the only reason I rarely wear them is the shoe issue. Her shoes are definitely a MUST HAVE FASHION STAPLE.

And her outfit wouldn't be complete without the sippy cup.

Notice the purse on the floor next to her? That's my handbag. It may not be Prada or Gucci, but it's the classiest looking WVU handbag, set in retro old woman style like I wanted, and the damn thing holds as much stuff as Mary Poppins' bag. Well almost. I don't have a floor lamp in there, but I do have 2 cameras (one of which is huge), a couple juice boxes, a pack of batteries, a blanket, a stuffed animal, all in addition to the normal things I carry like two checkbooks, a wallet, a bunch of papers, pens, sunglasses, meds.... And it was only HALF full.

Retro Old Woman... It WILL be the next trend. Watch.

Worst song for mornings, Bobbi Brown, Cobalt Blue, Berry lipstick and Vogue Magazine

Taking the kids to school this morning, I listened to, gasp, talk radio. We only have one station that will actually play music in the morning in my queue of stations that I like, and this morning, it played a lot of blah songs that are just not morning songs.

This is a morning song...

Let's get it started is a GREAT morning song because we woke up and we are getting it started... You know...

Now this next one is NOT a morning song...

In fact, this is the WORST song to play on the radio for dropping your kids off to school. We should ban this song from the radio between the hours of 7:00 AM to 9:00 AM. FCC, you gotta make this happen...

So TALK radio being one of those radio shows... after google, I found out I was listening to Elvis, and yes I drank his liquor from an old fruit jar, but in my defense, I didn't mess with his blue suede shoes. Elvis Duran interviewed Bobbi Brown this morning.

No, not Whitney's Bobby. Every little step I take. No, not him. HER...

She's really pretty, well she should be considering her career choice.

Maybe I only think she's pretty in this picture because I have dark brown long hair and wear a lot of red and black when I dress up.

Red and black are colors I love because I think they look the best on me. When I found out all the job interview websites say NEVER to wear those colors unless you are applying for positions of power like CEO because they are colors of power, that made me like wearing them more. It's not because I want to overpower people. I'm a very domineering person naturally without having to wear certain colors that there are many occasions where I wear gray and neutral browns just to tame down my overall impression a bit, but when you work with men, you HAVE to overpower them with overkill if you want to get anything done. Don't believe me? The last thing you asked your husband to fix, is it fixed? If you say yes, how long did it take? If you say less than 3 months, I'm going to assume you married the Brawny man, you used a whip, or you are lying.

Bobbi is a make-up specialist who deals with a lot in the fashion industry for those who don't know and just doesn't feel like googling it. Some things that stood out to me, I have an opinion about...

First, Cobalt Blue. That seems to be the color everyone throws out is the color of the season. I'm not a huge fan of it. I'm not a blue person anyway. I don't wear much blue unless it's a WVU shirt, something I match with gray sweatpants.

I don't even wear blue jeans. I have some. I just prefer elastic waists, like I said in an earlier blog post, because jeans give me gas. I am posh enough to talk about farting and fashion at the same time. It's important. What fun do you have if you have cramping from flatulence? None. Especially if you can't fart because you are in public. Sucking back in a fart on top of existing cramps is like level 7 cm dilated labor pains. That's just bollocks. Don't do it.

Back to cobalt blue, Bobbi says it's not an eyeshadow. I agree. Please don't do that. It is a fashion color supposedly inspiring people like Tommy Hilfiger, thus its popularity. It has its place in fashion, but out of place, it's out of place.

Second, Bobbi was saying berry colored lipsticks compliment some of the trending fashion this fall, which I think was chocolate, probably because this Fall is Mother Nature's PMS fall. I'm not even sure I'm remembering this part about chocolate with accuracy, like I know they talked about chocolate because I started thinking about how I ate all these almond chocolate things I had and the thought of not having anymore made me sad. Speaking of which, I think almond shades compliment chocolate shades really well.

I just want to point out, berry colored lipsticks look better on darker complexions. Winter is when white people get whiter unless they hit up a tanning bed which I don't suggest because I've seen too many crazy skin issues out there with age you don't want. Healthy skin looks better than tan skin, especially 20 years from now. Of course, many people of many shades can have healthy tan skin. I'm obviously referencing people who will tan themselves at the risk of skin cancer. So I first say, if you have a light complexion, you will want to try a bronzer. Don't go overboard.

Experimenting with lipstick is a great thing. Most department stores offer some sort of make-over where you can experiment with shades for free. They do that to help sell their product. DIY tip, go to the dollar store and buy them a dollar a pop to experiment first. If it looks good (keep in mind a better brand might have a similar shade that will look much better with the way they mix it), then go get a better brand in a similar shade. Pay attention to the shades you like on yourself, warm vs cool. Warm being like orange and red, cool being like blue and green. You may find a pattern to help you take better guesses in the future for trying new shades, like maybe you really only like warm shades on yourself, or you could be like me and are attracted to all the shades that look better on other people than you. Berry is one that looks awful on me, and I love it.

If you can't find a good berry that you like and still want to follow this fashion concept... As a mom, it's often that my children play with my make-up, and the first thing to go is my lipstick, generally my current favorites. It goes all over the kids, on the walls (olive oil does a great job at removing it from the face and wall, and so do baby wipes), but then they lose the rest of it. I suspect some day when I move out, I will find 50 empty tubes of lipstick in a pile somewhere. Anyway, I'm frequently stuck putting on makeup the few times I wear it with a lipstick I loathe. One of the dollar shades I experimented with way back when that is old, dried up a bit, a little expired, smells funky, and looks hideous on my face. I am the Erykah Badu Cleva and I make it work. This is how.

A good painter mixes their own colors. My art teacher in high school would only let us use the primary pigments and white. We even had to mix our own black, which he wanted because nothing is black black. Nothing. Take any photograph in photoshop, go over it with the color picker (the thing where you click on that, and whatever color that is is the color you now have selected), and find me #000000 straight black. That is in vector graphics, but not a photograph. It shouldn't be. Not even a black and white photo.

With that said, sometimes the best makeup is something you makeup. Ha, punny. Bobbi even mentioned a story where she had to improvise and make lipstick with gloss and eyeshadow. It's like cooking really. This sauce needs more garlic. These lips need to be darker, or lighter, or more brown, or more purple... That's all you got to do. Take your berry shade that you somewhat like and ask yourself, "What would make it perfect?" Consider the lighting where you will be. Always consider the lighting. It's different than your bathroom, or vanity if you are highbrow.

Then experiment to change the shade into something you do like. You can use lip liner to line your edges and then smudge them to a gradual lighter complexion as you go inward (creates the illusion of thicker lips), but it has to be done tastefully, not 1990's Compton gangsta.

You can use lip pencil as a base. Did you know Norman Rockwell's favorite base of most of his paintings is magenta? He painted a lot of his painting in magenta first, different shades of magenta, and then layered from there. He really believed the magenta brought out the hues of the top layers better, which contributed to his paintings' overall look and style.

You can also use eyeshadow, blush, and other powders with a little gloss or vaseline.

Tone down a berry with some of your powder foundation, your own skin tone. Make it a little more pastel with a light pink lipstick, shimmering eye shadow or baby powder. Neutralize it with the opposite, like if your berry is more of a cooler hue like blueish, add some warmer hues to it. If it's a warmer hue like orangeish, add a cooler hue to it. You can dramatically enhance the color with a neighboring color. Think color wheel. If your berry is orangeish, add a little more red or yellowish hues to it. If your berry is blueish, add some green or purple. Of course, experiment first for the look you are trying to achieve. You don't have to cover your entire lips with a certain color to enhance your current color, but keep in mind touch ups are not easy when you mix your own colors.

Third, Bobbi seems to consider Vogue Magazine the authority of fashion. She does listen to other sources for fashion, but when those sources contradict, take the side Vogue is on.

I agree with this concept in the sense of, the writers of Vogue follow their own advice. I've gotten paid to write fashion articles. I told people how to wear ankle boots and how accent their cocktail dress. I wrote these articles without showering for days, without sleeping for days, without pants, wrapped in a blanket, getting up every 10 seconds for a kid needing something. I had to make deadline, and working from home meant I brought my young children to work with me every day. There were times I missed my deadline because I chose to do the dishes once THAT WEEK instead. It's why I stopped writing for other people. Just no time for it. My home was more important to me, but the fact of the matter is, especially at that time, I was the LAST person to be dishing out advice on fashion. I still sort of am, on FASHION anyway. Beauty, I can talk and walk. Most of your writers are not that different. Most of your fashion experts are not actually experts. You CAN make this shit up. If you really don't know and have to follow someone's advice, Vogue.

Where I disagree...

Vogue is not mom friendly. Bobbi should know this because she has 3 boys. I'm sure she lost her mind with them on many occasions. Vogue doesn't give tips on fashion that involves baby spit up... How to wear your child's poop with style. Vomit, the trending shade mothers are wearing this flu season. Spice up your flannel pajama "drop your kids off at school" look with a cup of coffee. Non-sporty outfits that go well with tennis shoes. Most comfortable agile shoes for moms to wear that aren't tennis shoes or flip flops. How to avoid a camel toe with your yoga pants. Ready to make another baby? Sexy looks that do not require lingerie for the bathroom quickie while dinner is cooking and the television is babysitting the kids. These are just not stories Vogue covers. Vogue is too highbrow for motherhood.

The fashion buck should stop at you. Your intuition, preference, desires, needs and all that jive should trump Vogue. Fashion is a statement we make about ourselves. It's how you...

I can't stop. Someone stop me...

Yes Fashion is about expressing yourself. Designers express themselves in their designs, and we, the customers, do the same as we adapt their concepts, mix and match their looks, and create our own unique style. However, the industry is trying to make money. Of course THIS random thing is in because guess what? That's what they are selling this season. Half of what you read about fashion is marketing. Marketing is how Money expresses itself. That is all. Not you. Not the designers. The money. And nobody, not even Vogue, is an expert on you and your tastes.


TOTES LOVE what Bobbi had to say in this other interview:

LINK TO BOBBI BROWN ON ELVIS DURAN PAGE

"I love getting rid of things and giving things away. You help people and then you have room to buy more things."

"The two words that are important to me are confidence and comfortable. So if a woman finds what makes her comfortable, then she can be confident... because really all women are beautiful."

Bobbi's Book--One of them anyway :)

Bobbi's Blog


NOTE: I really should revisit this blog post for future blog post ideas. Seriously, someone has to write how to sport poop in style. I definitely could pop out non-lingerie sexiness (my favorite, go bra-less in a wife beater and get it wet by accident while doing the dishes and then ask the husband to help with the dishes--now that's foreplay).

The things women do to cover her nipples...

This morning, I woke up and it was cold. So I was wearing this white tank top and black yoga pants and decided to put on a sweatshirt. I kept my house near igloo status all day, so I was comfortable in this sweatshirt, that was until I left to go to my mother's house in a huge hurry.

Why a hurry? Because I'm me. Because I woke up, baked cookie bars from scratch, rushed them down to my nephew's bake sale, talked to people, came home, took a 20 minute nap, gave the kids a bath and was already running an hour late getting to my mother's house for the family dinner that entailed family coming in from out of town. They called me like 10 times to ask me when I was going to get there because calling people like that ALWAYS makes them move faster. It NEVER interrupts people from doing things that would get them there faster to answer the phone. For whatever reason, things like dishes, folding laundry, shampooing a kid's head, buckling the car seat, wiping a poopy ass/changing a diaper, walking with 20 million things in your hands and taking a dump seems to send that telepathic invite to your loved ones to call you. It's like magic. It's to a point where I purposely do the dishes so that someone who didn't answer their phone will call me back.

My car, the Escape (pronounced Eh Scah Pay), I've had her since 2004. The model and name is very fitting considering I once needed to get away from this place and everyone, and the military was my ESCAPE, which was exactly when I bought her. She's my horse. One time I was lost in Wyoming during a freak storm where there was hail and flooding and sirens going off all over town to get indoors, and I saw the road I needed to be on, but I couldn't find a road to get me there. Instead, I found a very muddy field. That girl drove through it like it was gravel. If you own a field in Wyoming and wondered who drove through it one July back in 2006, that would be me. I was really really lost and I'm sorry.

Anyway, Eh Scah Pay being so old, some things don't work anymore, like she's gone to the mechanic a few times for it and they can't get it to work again. The AC is one of them. So this sweatshirt got really hot. Fast.

Problem is, white tank top underneath. I don't know who the fuck designs these clothes. I can't tell if it's men who do this on purpose, or gay men who wouldn't know better, or really dumb women, but any tank top with a built in bra anymore has one of two things... If it has pads, those things fold up in the wash forcing you to fuck with bra cups for an hour so you don't have lumpy lady lumps. or Two, if it ain't black, you are going to see nipples. In my case today, you can see my nipples like a wet t-shirt. And all I had over it was a sweat shirt.

It would have been a long hot flash at my mom's house if I didn't get creative fashion designer on myself... check it out...

(P.S. Excuse my fat. I recently ordered a tub of Trader Joe's Cookie Butter, so I've been putting it on everything like honey buns and chocolate cookies).

Notice my stunning sunglasses? The hair style is hot mess, and I think I wear it well, especially when coordinated with the no make-up witch face. Now on the right, check out that ass... That's a cookie butter ass. Sexy shit. Well, not really. Like the ass is sexy. The shit, not so much.

Remember when people used to tie their sweatshirts around their waist? Yeah, this is the new way to tie them now. Really it is. I swear to you. All the cool people wear their shirts like this now. Mmm Hmmm. TRUST ME.