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Crumpets and Bollocks: The things women do to cover her nipples...

The things women do to cover her nipples...

This morning, I woke up and it was cold. So I was wearing this white tank top and black yoga pants and decided to put on a sweatshirt. I kept my house near igloo status all day, so I was comfortable in this sweatshirt, that was until I left to go to my mother's house in a huge hurry.

Why a hurry? Because I'm me. Because I woke up, baked cookie bars from scratch, rushed them down to my nephew's bake sale, talked to people, came home, took a 20 minute nap, gave the kids a bath and was already running an hour late getting to my mother's house for the family dinner that entailed family coming in from out of town. They called me like 10 times to ask me when I was going to get there because calling people like that ALWAYS makes them move faster. It NEVER interrupts people from doing things that would get them there faster to answer the phone. For whatever reason, things like dishes, folding laundry, shampooing a kid's head, buckling the car seat, wiping a poopy ass/changing a diaper, walking with 20 million things in your hands and taking a dump seems to send that telepathic invite to your loved ones to call you. It's like magic. It's to a point where I purposely do the dishes so that someone who didn't answer their phone will call me back.

My car, the Escape (pronounced Eh Scah Pay), I've had her since 2004. The model and name is very fitting considering I once needed to get away from this place and everyone, and the military was my ESCAPE, which was exactly when I bought her. She's my horse. One time I was lost in Wyoming during a freak storm where there was hail and flooding and sirens going off all over town to get indoors, and I saw the road I needed to be on, but I couldn't find a road to get me there. Instead, I found a very muddy field. That girl drove through it like it was gravel. If you own a field in Wyoming and wondered who drove through it one July back in 2006, that would be me. I was really really lost and I'm sorry.

Anyway, Eh Scah Pay being so old, some things don't work anymore, like she's gone to the mechanic a few times for it and they can't get it to work again. The AC is one of them. So this sweatshirt got really hot. Fast.

Problem is, white tank top underneath. I don't know who the fuck designs these clothes. I can't tell if it's men who do this on purpose, or gay men who wouldn't know better, or really dumb women, but any tank top with a built in bra anymore has one of two things... If it has pads, those things fold up in the wash forcing you to fuck with bra cups for an hour so you don't have lumpy lady lumps. or Two, if it ain't black, you are going to see nipples. In my case today, you can see my nipples like a wet t-shirt. And all I had over it was a sweat shirt.

It would have been a long hot flash at my mom's house if I didn't get creative fashion designer on myself... check it out...

(P.S. Excuse my fat. I recently ordered a tub of Trader Joe's Cookie Butter, so I've been putting it on everything like honey buns and chocolate cookies).



Notice my stunning sunglasses? The hair style is hot mess, and I think I wear it well, especially when coordinated with the no make-up witch face. Now on the right, check out that ass... That's a cookie butter ass. Sexy shit. Well, not really. Like the ass is sexy. The shit, not so much.

Remember when people used to tie their sweatshirts around their waist? Yeah, this is the new way to tie them now. Really it is. I swear to you. All the cool people wear their shirts like this now. Mmm Hmmm. TRUST ME.

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Crumpets and Bollocks: The things women do to cover her nipples...

Sunday, June 16, 2013

The things women do to cover her nipples...

This morning, I woke up and it was cold. So I was wearing this white tank top and black yoga pants and decided to put on a sweatshirt. I kept my house near igloo status all day, so I was comfortable in this sweatshirt, that was until I left to go to my mother's house in a huge hurry.

Why a hurry? Because I'm me. Because I woke up, baked cookie bars from scratch, rushed them down to my nephew's bake sale, talked to people, came home, took a 20 minute nap, gave the kids a bath and was already running an hour late getting to my mother's house for the family dinner that entailed family coming in from out of town. They called me like 10 times to ask me when I was going to get there because calling people like that ALWAYS makes them move faster. It NEVER interrupts people from doing things that would get them there faster to answer the phone. For whatever reason, things like dishes, folding laundry, shampooing a kid's head, buckling the car seat, wiping a poopy ass/changing a diaper, walking with 20 million things in your hands and taking a dump seems to send that telepathic invite to your loved ones to call you. It's like magic. It's to a point where I purposely do the dishes so that someone who didn't answer their phone will call me back.

My car, the Escape (pronounced Eh Scah Pay), I've had her since 2004. The model and name is very fitting considering I once needed to get away from this place and everyone, and the military was my ESCAPE, which was exactly when I bought her. She's my horse. One time I was lost in Wyoming during a freak storm where there was hail and flooding and sirens going off all over town to get indoors, and I saw the road I needed to be on, but I couldn't find a road to get me there. Instead, I found a very muddy field. That girl drove through it like it was gravel. If you own a field in Wyoming and wondered who drove through it one July back in 2006, that would be me. I was really really lost and I'm sorry.

Anyway, Eh Scah Pay being so old, some things don't work anymore, like she's gone to the mechanic a few times for it and they can't get it to work again. The AC is one of them. So this sweatshirt got really hot. Fast.

Problem is, white tank top underneath. I don't know who the fuck designs these clothes. I can't tell if it's men who do this on purpose, or gay men who wouldn't know better, or really dumb women, but any tank top with a built in bra anymore has one of two things... If it has pads, those things fold up in the wash forcing you to fuck with bra cups for an hour so you don't have lumpy lady lumps. or Two, if it ain't black, you are going to see nipples. In my case today, you can see my nipples like a wet t-shirt. And all I had over it was a sweat shirt.

It would have been a long hot flash at my mom's house if I didn't get creative fashion designer on myself... check it out...

(P.S. Excuse my fat. I recently ordered a tub of Trader Joe's Cookie Butter, so I've been putting it on everything like honey buns and chocolate cookies).



Notice my stunning sunglasses? The hair style is hot mess, and I think I wear it well, especially when coordinated with the no make-up witch face. Now on the right, check out that ass... That's a cookie butter ass. Sexy shit. Well, not really. Like the ass is sexy. The shit, not so much.

Remember when people used to tie their sweatshirts around their waist? Yeah, this is the new way to tie them now. Really it is. I swear to you. All the cool people wear their shirts like this now. Mmm Hmmm. TRUST ME.

Labels: , , , , ,

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