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Crumpets and Bollocks: Watch me get pwned by my kid and Mom Fashion Alert!

Watch me get pwned by my kid and Mom Fashion Alert!

If I had an iPhone, I would have updated my Facebook page with the play by play of this day instead of a lump all blog post. Ha. Re-reading I thought I said a hump all blog post. My eyes are even slipping freudian stuff today.

Did you read it first as lump all or hump all? Because I still read hump all every time I read it.

If you don't feel like reading stories about my child pwning her mom, scroll down to the fashion alert. I found a MILF in her natural habitat.

Funny Story 

Today, the kids played hooky from school. Two of my 3 children go. Or was supposed to. Why? Because the 3 year old had an appointment at 11:15 to get caught up on vaccinations. The 6 year old had an appointment at 2:00 because she got her cast wet. Doctor A is an hour drive from Doctor B who is a half hour to an hour drive from the school (school traffic doubles the drive time). There was just no way I would be at school on time to pick up any kids.

First, we drove through McD's for brunch. The oldest wanted pancakes (they serve those all day), and the other two wanted chicken nuggets. All 3 wanted a toy. So I ordered ME a happy meal and took the crappy McDouble so my oldest could have my toy. That's love.

The toy? A panda thing where the mouth pivots open and shut and you can store a small notepad in it.

Annie (the 3 year old), loved that thing. She took in the doctor's office with her. It kept falling apart, the mouth coming off, where I had to reline stud looking bumps with the denty holes and put it back together. About the tenth time I did this, I was like, "Yeah I have to fix it again because I bet they are made in China."

Gabby (the 6 year old on the autism spectrum) responded, "Yea they are mom."

I read the bottom, "Yes they are made in China. How did you know Gabby? Did you read the bottom too?"

Gabby, "No mom. They are pandas. You don't think there are pandas in China?"

Well played kid. Well played.

Funny Story II

So then Annie had 6 shots. The last time she got vaccinated, she was 3 months old. After vaccination, she broke out into eczema, head to toe. It was bad. The issue is, it could be the vaccines. It could be anything because most allergies develop at 3 to 5 months of age. It's an immune thing that develops with the immune system. So, I wanted to get a grip on the eczema and locate allergies before moving forward with vaccines. Doctors were slow at moving forward. In fact I changed pediatricians twice over it. I also changed allergists.

While getting her shots, Annie didn't cry at all. She just said, softly, "Ow." Once. She seemed fine. Everyone was impressed. I was too until we got to the car. See, she's a little more on the sociopathic side. First thing out of her mouth as we got in the car, "That doctor is stupid. I'm not coming back ever again." I reminded her it was MY choice to get her those shots. She wouldn't budge. "Doctor is scary. I'm not coming back."

So I went into a long LONG explanation, repeating myself, rewording what I just said in another way in hopes she'd understand it better about how the shots hurt less than the disease they prevent. How she is better because of them. How the whole point is so that we can avoid getting a certain sick. That it's magic medicine.

Gabby was all into learning about how vaccines work asking a million questions. At some point, the conversation was over and Gabby brought it back up again. I kept using the measles as an example, and that was her obsession. How the measles suck. Then I said, "And now we don't have to worry about getting the measles anymore."

She corrected me... "Mom, you mean YOU don't have to worry about getting the measles anymore. I was never worried about it."

Touche Kid. Touche.

Mom Fashion Alert

We got into the vicinity of the second doctor over an hour early, so I took the kids to the park to play for a while. At some point, a slew of toddlers and their moms showed up, and this one mom stood out to me before her child came running up to me like he knew me for the stuffed penguin I was toting around for the middle child, and then my drink... She apologized. I was like, "It's ok. I'm used to it. I'm the pied piper of children." She laughed. Seriously I am. Three toddlers tried to gank my drink. They left everyone else and their drinks alone. I must have an aura kids are sensitive to.

Anyway, that was enough for me to be all, "I love your outfit. Genius. I'm going to talk about it on my blog. Can I take your picture?"


Is she not beautiful? I'm willing to bet there's probably 50 guys and 10 women crying they didn't get to father her child right now as I type this.

She is wearing a gray t-shirt tucked into a pair of skinny jeans. Dressy right? Right. She dressed it up entirely with a scarf, something she probably grabbed last second on her way out the door.

If you are thinking about scarves this year, check out this video on how to tie scarves. There's actually many more creative endless ways to wear a scarf, but this is a good video for a blog post that isn't about scarves. I might try to remember to write one later (like I have notes, research, and a bunch of blogs on the subject of infinity scarves alone from when I got paid to do it). For realz, the girl scouts should teach these knots...



I also love how the lady of the park parted her hair before pulling it back. I mean, that's a must have for moms, hair pulled back out of the way, especially mums of young ones because we are always bending over to their level. But just brushing your hair back into a pony tail or half assed messy bun (which is in and non-moms actually spend hours trying to achieve what us moms do without a mirror while driving with our knee in 30 seconds), gets old. It gets old. And in my case, I get scraggly chicken danced on my head hair constantly requiring me to take my hair out and put it back up when I decide I probably shouldn't look like the wicked witch of the east for a minute. But this kind of part keeps the scraggles down and looks just a tad bit nicer, dressier. While her hair is definitely healthier than mine, all I'd need is a little more hairspray to hold it in place.

This is the hairspray I use... Or try to... It's not easy to find anymore, but it smells great and holds the hair the best without causing that much buildup.

Back to the lady of the park... This lady, I never did ask her name, has the perfect mom shoes. They are flats. Can't chase kids in heels, well not as well. They are breathable looking to throw on bare feet like flip flops. They are a nude color meaning they look fine with anything you are wearing. While I would probably opt for a black if possible, the nude gives you the option of wearing with dark colors and LIGHT colors. I'm a black person. I buy most of my clothes in black. But I do own white and khaki pants (comfortable ones too), and a lot of lighter tans and brown and white shirts. Even worse, a lot of nude/white throw it on real quick dresses. Black shoes look hideous with that, and the only reason I rarely wear them is the shoe issue. Her shoes are definitely a MUST HAVE FASHION STAPLE.

And her outfit wouldn't be complete without the sippy cup.

Notice the purse on the floor next to her? That's my handbag. It may not be Prada or Gucci, but it's the classiest looking WVU handbag, set in retro old woman style like I wanted, and the damn thing holds as much stuff as Mary Poppins' bag. Well almost. I don't have a floor lamp in there, but I do have 2 cameras (one of which is huge), a couple juice boxes, a pack of batteries, a blanket, a stuffed animal, all in addition to the normal things I carry like two checkbooks, a wallet, a bunch of papers, pens, sunglasses, meds.... And it was only HALF full.

Retro Old Woman... It WILL be the next trend. Watch.







Labels: , , , , , , , , ,

Crumpets and Bollocks: Watch me get pwned by my kid and Mom Fashion Alert!

Friday, September 20, 2013

Watch me get pwned by my kid and Mom Fashion Alert!

If I had an iPhone, I would have updated my Facebook page with the play by play of this day instead of a lump all blog post. Ha. Re-reading I thought I said a hump all blog post. My eyes are even slipping freudian stuff today.

Did you read it first as lump all or hump all? Because I still read hump all every time I read it.

If you don't feel like reading stories about my child pwning her mom, scroll down to the fashion alert. I found a MILF in her natural habitat.

Funny Story 

Today, the kids played hooky from school. Two of my 3 children go. Or was supposed to. Why? Because the 3 year old had an appointment at 11:15 to get caught up on vaccinations. The 6 year old had an appointment at 2:00 because she got her cast wet. Doctor A is an hour drive from Doctor B who is a half hour to an hour drive from the school (school traffic doubles the drive time). There was just no way I would be at school on time to pick up any kids.

First, we drove through McD's for brunch. The oldest wanted pancakes (they serve those all day), and the other two wanted chicken nuggets. All 3 wanted a toy. So I ordered ME a happy meal and took the crappy McDouble so my oldest could have my toy. That's love.

The toy? A panda thing where the mouth pivots open and shut and you can store a small notepad in it.

Annie (the 3 year old), loved that thing. She took in the doctor's office with her. It kept falling apart, the mouth coming off, where I had to reline stud looking bumps with the denty holes and put it back together. About the tenth time I did this, I was like, "Yeah I have to fix it again because I bet they are made in China."

Gabby (the 6 year old on the autism spectrum) responded, "Yea they are mom."

I read the bottom, "Yes they are made in China. How did you know Gabby? Did you read the bottom too?"

Gabby, "No mom. They are pandas. You don't think there are pandas in China?"

Well played kid. Well played.

Funny Story II

So then Annie had 6 shots. The last time she got vaccinated, she was 3 months old. After vaccination, she broke out into eczema, head to toe. It was bad. The issue is, it could be the vaccines. It could be anything because most allergies develop at 3 to 5 months of age. It's an immune thing that develops with the immune system. So, I wanted to get a grip on the eczema and locate allergies before moving forward with vaccines. Doctors were slow at moving forward. In fact I changed pediatricians twice over it. I also changed allergists.

While getting her shots, Annie didn't cry at all. She just said, softly, "Ow." Once. She seemed fine. Everyone was impressed. I was too until we got to the car. See, she's a little more on the sociopathic side. First thing out of her mouth as we got in the car, "That doctor is stupid. I'm not coming back ever again." I reminded her it was MY choice to get her those shots. She wouldn't budge. "Doctor is scary. I'm not coming back."

So I went into a long LONG explanation, repeating myself, rewording what I just said in another way in hopes she'd understand it better about how the shots hurt less than the disease they prevent. How she is better because of them. How the whole point is so that we can avoid getting a certain sick. That it's magic medicine.

Gabby was all into learning about how vaccines work asking a million questions. At some point, the conversation was over and Gabby brought it back up again. I kept using the measles as an example, and that was her obsession. How the measles suck. Then I said, "And now we don't have to worry about getting the measles anymore."

She corrected me... "Mom, you mean YOU don't have to worry about getting the measles anymore. I was never worried about it."

Touche Kid. Touche.

Mom Fashion Alert

We got into the vicinity of the second doctor over an hour early, so I took the kids to the park to play for a while. At some point, a slew of toddlers and their moms showed up, and this one mom stood out to me before her child came running up to me like he knew me for the stuffed penguin I was toting around for the middle child, and then my drink... She apologized. I was like, "It's ok. I'm used to it. I'm the pied piper of children." She laughed. Seriously I am. Three toddlers tried to gank my drink. They left everyone else and their drinks alone. I must have an aura kids are sensitive to.

Anyway, that was enough for me to be all, "I love your outfit. Genius. I'm going to talk about it on my blog. Can I take your picture?"


Is she not beautiful? I'm willing to bet there's probably 50 guys and 10 women crying they didn't get to father her child right now as I type this.

She is wearing a gray t-shirt tucked into a pair of skinny jeans. Dressy right? Right. She dressed it up entirely with a scarf, something she probably grabbed last second on her way out the door.

If you are thinking about scarves this year, check out this video on how to tie scarves. There's actually many more creative endless ways to wear a scarf, but this is a good video for a blog post that isn't about scarves. I might try to remember to write one later (like I have notes, research, and a bunch of blogs on the subject of infinity scarves alone from when I got paid to do it). For realz, the girl scouts should teach these knots...



I also love how the lady of the park parted her hair before pulling it back. I mean, that's a must have for moms, hair pulled back out of the way, especially mums of young ones because we are always bending over to their level. But just brushing your hair back into a pony tail or half assed messy bun (which is in and non-moms actually spend hours trying to achieve what us moms do without a mirror while driving with our knee in 30 seconds), gets old. It gets old. And in my case, I get scraggly chicken danced on my head hair constantly requiring me to take my hair out and put it back up when I decide I probably shouldn't look like the wicked witch of the east for a minute. But this kind of part keeps the scraggles down and looks just a tad bit nicer, dressier. While her hair is definitely healthier than mine, all I'd need is a little more hairspray to hold it in place.

This is the hairspray I use... Or try to... It's not easy to find anymore, but it smells great and holds the hair the best without causing that much buildup.

Back to the lady of the park... This lady, I never did ask her name, has the perfect mom shoes. They are flats. Can't chase kids in heels, well not as well. They are breathable looking to throw on bare feet like flip flops. They are a nude color meaning they look fine with anything you are wearing. While I would probably opt for a black if possible, the nude gives you the option of wearing with dark colors and LIGHT colors. I'm a black person. I buy most of my clothes in black. But I do own white and khaki pants (comfortable ones too), and a lot of lighter tans and brown and white shirts. Even worse, a lot of nude/white throw it on real quick dresses. Black shoes look hideous with that, and the only reason I rarely wear them is the shoe issue. Her shoes are definitely a MUST HAVE FASHION STAPLE.

And her outfit wouldn't be complete without the sippy cup.

Notice the purse on the floor next to her? That's my handbag. It may not be Prada or Gucci, but it's the classiest looking WVU handbag, set in retro old woman style like I wanted, and the damn thing holds as much stuff as Mary Poppins' bag. Well almost. I don't have a floor lamp in there, but I do have 2 cameras (one of which is huge), a couple juice boxes, a pack of batteries, a blanket, a stuffed animal, all in addition to the normal things I carry like two checkbooks, a wallet, a bunch of papers, pens, sunglasses, meds.... And it was only HALF full.

Retro Old Woman... It WILL be the next trend. Watch.







Labels: , , , , , , , , ,

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