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The Buzz Lightyear Story:

I ran to Walmart like I always do for things like diapers, and I see a Buzz Lightyear car thing on clearance. My 3 year old loves Toy Story, so that toy quickly became my toy. Well, I get it in the bag, and I hand carry that and like 4 other bags to the car. Every time my butt bumped the bags, Buzz Lightyear was screaming to the masses in the parking lot, "To infinity and beyond!" So I get home and bump the bag with my crotch, and this time, he was, "To the edge of the galaxy!" It's like he knows me.

It's official. Buzz Lightyear lost a leg. There's no putting it back on. The damage is pretty severe. We are talking broken pieces of plastic, which has the evil diabolical Dad's Foot written all over it. Now the 3 year old wants to draw a purple heart on him because he lost his leg in the line of duty.

Things I could have invented:

The Sandman: It's a tranquilizer gun to sedate children

The Clint Eastwood: Vanilla Schnapps, rum, and whiskey, chased down with a whore.

Tim the Tool Man Taylor's Ar Arr ARRR Dishwasher: It's like restaurant style but smaller. It washes a load in 90 seconds. It attaches to the sink. The one they should be selling for households in the first place.

Cake Batter Flavored Pudding: In Devil's Food, white and yellow.

Amoxicillin flavored Jello: Pink bubble gum flavored childhood nectar for Jello Shots

The old school washing machine: I didn't invent it, but I want it back. This automatic push a button "so easy a kid WILL do it" crap is proof that many people in the field of industrial design do not reproduce.

Dependz: Kelley's Breakroom asked what you would want your Depends to say on them. My response... I think I'd want my adult diapers to say, "Badasses wear diapers."

The Mom: It's a Ford. A mini SUV like the Escape, but the back end has seating options, like you can sit 7 people and little trunk space (rack on top), or you can sit 4 people and trunk space, like the seat flattens. It will be reinforced to the strictest safety guidelines, have a 5 point harness built in one of the back seats, a built in DVD player with a separate speaker for the back than the ones in the front for radio and options to put in at least 5 headphone jacks. It shall also have the built in GPS but instead of just telling you where to find places, it also does reminders like, "Do you even have your grocery list?" and "Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately?" There shall be a button on the steering wheel (AKA the Sammy) that you can push where all the speakers loudly proclaim in Samuel L. Jackson's voice, "SIT DOWN SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET YOUR MOM DRIVE." The front seat will also have 6 cupholders and a dish that fits into the dash that can be removed and washed, large enough to fit 3 half-eaten ice cream cones. The interior will be designed where clean up is a snap by hosing it down at the car wash. It should also come with a sign on the back window that says, "Crazed distracted mom on board."

Things I did:

I was on hold. I just sat on hold for 20 minutes to realize they hung up on me. Since there never was any music, I probably never was on hold, you know, sitting here "on hold" bitching that they ain't got no music.

In January, I heard a ticking sound near my computer. In March, I figured out what it was.

I gave myself a pep talk. Well this day better watch out. I said it might turn to shit earlier, well I'm coming at it guns blazin. I got my Mr. T "Shut up fool" shirt on. I'm about to make my day have a shitty day. Watch.

My recipe for Cup of Sanity was featured in Circle of Moms. Popsugar also featured my Lazy Pork Roast recipe. Yes, the only recognition I got for my blog was my food. Nevermind my mad writing skillz. Geesh.

I met my mother's husband's sister's son-in-law's sister-in-law on Facebook. So that makes us step cousin in laws right? I'm being serious. I did just meet this person just now on Facebook. What brought us together? A discussion about meat.

I was sleeping in bed dreaming I'm watching a Harry Potter documentary, in it they ask these women what they thought it would be like raising various characters as children (yes it was a very good documentary had it been real), and one woman, in her response, at some point said, in a British accent, "it's like being house chef. We enjoy the duties, planning exciting meals and making them come alive on the plates, but then we also enjoy the house cleaning... " I woke up. My brain said something so stupid it woke me up.

THIS I actually remember doing…
Walmart stories... So I find a Wok for 5 bucks. Hell yes it became mine. As I'm leaving the check out with my grocery cart full (pay day woohoo) and the wok in my hand unbagged waiving it in the air, I'm saying, "I'm walking. I'm walking..." Nobody got it. Old dude behind me looked at me like I was stupid and cashier guy appeared confused. I was like whatever. SO I go to Subway and talk to that guy and he didn't get it either. I'm like, "this is a wok, I'm walking, c'mon now, this is punny shit." and finally everyone at Subway was laughing at me, but I don't think they were laughing in the way I intended it to go. Like they weren't laughing with me... So then I go to put groceries in my car, and I'm on the outskirts of a storm brewing in, like if I looked up, there was a distinct line between Bright Bright Sun Shining Day and Rainy Dayz. The wind was strong. Lightning was on crack. And my friend said there were tornadoes spotted in the area already (we don't get tornadoes). So this old man, possibly over the age of 80, makes eye contact with me, and I break out into, "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, it's a beautiful day for living," and then I held out my hand with a sincere look on my face, "Would you be mine, could you be mine." I think his wife got jealous. He looked at the storm brewing. Looked at me. Scratched his head and started laughing. That was worth it.

I don't remember this
I totally could have picked up this 22 year old man today if I hadn't been married by talking about how I need to shave my legs (showing him my hairy legs from the knee down). Now that's swag people.

Or this
And BTW, I did threaten the cable guy that if he complained at all of my messy house, I would castrate him. Then maybe I threatened that if he was thinking it and waited until he left to start talking shit about my messy house, I would find him and castrate him. Maybe that's why he was so hesitant to tell the 3 year old his name when she asked a hundred times?

I wrote a Fortune Cookie (online generator, not a real cookie).

We solved the age old question, where are Max and Ruby's parents? According to some random person named April, "The book's writer and show's creator say that they don't show the parents bc the point is to show how kids/siblings can work out small problems on their own. And that if a bigger problem arises, their grandma is there." I still think they are humping because they are rabbits and that's what rabbits do.

Maybe foreshadowing was a better word than irony? Irony still works because I didn't know that until just now, so when I wrote it, it is ironic that I was missing a good chunk of info you all already knew because I'm a little daft and slow and you aren't. Eh, it's too early in the day for literary devices in life...

I drove thru McDonalds and ordered "Vanilla Ice Cream in a dish," and I got ice cream cones turned upside down in cups. When I said, "I just want a little vanilla ice cream in an ice cream dish," the manager resolved the problem by putting ice cream cones upside down in an ice cream dish. She was a blond soccer mom. They now think that's how I prefer my ice cream and do it every time just for me, so I go to Burger King now for ice cream.

I wished everyone a Happy Mother's Day. Happy Mother's Day to all the women out there, whether you have kids or not, because I think if you don't have kids, celebrating this day anyway is the only way you will get to celebrate this day with all the shit implied with this day. A day to yourself. To get a break. To relax. The only way you get to do that as mom is to celebrate this day BEFORE you become a mom. So Happy Mother's Day to all you people who have a uterus. To all you moms out there, if your things you married and your spawns let you have some time to yourself, you should totally thank them with some home cooked meal tomorrow or next week. So far, we'll be ordering pizza. And to everyone who is all "this is the day we appreciate moms for their hard work," Fuck You. You should do that every day you dirty bastard.

I pondered deep intellectual questions. Do viruses have souls?

I made resolutions. From now on, I will be picking my nose before hugging or shaking hands with someone I don't particularly like.

I decided to start signing these as...

So what did you do last night? I walked around my house in circles looking for shit. Like I do every night.

I confessed one of my deepest fears of publicly shitting myself as a result of a fart.

No idea what I was talking about here...

I discovered this website: http://www.softschools.com/math/greetings/
I posted this poem on Father's Day:

Daddy breathe again
let me see again
and show you when you danced with me
I stepped on your toes and only God knows
how much I cried
inside
the day you left me
how much I tried to give you life with memories
your face, your smile
your hands, your touch
your voice, your words
I need
to find my words lost in your breath from the day you left
gone, with the wind beneath me
if you could only breathe
I can open my wings
finally exhale
and be

I questioned my youth... I keep seeing friends of friends on Facebook who are my age, good looking men, and I'm like, "Is that Lou's boy?" Fuck. What the fuck was I doing back in the day? I know everyone's dad.
I found my usefulness in the zombie apocalypse: So it's very possible it's time to clean out my purse. I have like 5 Apple Juice Boxes in the bottom of it. Who does that? Me. Like I'll be real great to have in an apocalyptic setting. Stale Apple Juice from McDonalds anyone?

I learned how much it sucks to have a pull up in the wash.

I watched all the ole skool Star Trek episodes. Almost all of them.

I told everyone when I was a kid, I wanted to grow up to be the leader of the Pink Lady's Club. Movie Grease. The Pink Lady's pledge is to act cool, to look cool and to be cool. Think Pink. Of course I ended up being a nerd instead.

I had a telemarketer call and ask for a person named Abracadabra.

My PAP results were normal.

I made the world a safer place. I'm one of those people whose lack of coordination is a level of talent, like if there is a dot the size of a quarter of juice on the floor, I'll not only find it, but I will slip on it and land in a split. If I'm going to drop the top of a bottle, it will bounce off the countertop, off my boob and into a little glass of dirty grease in the sink. So when I say the world is very lucky I never pursued a career in EOD / diffusing bombs, I really mean it. In fact, all of you should stop now and take a second to thank God I don't work around explosives.
My bartender gave me his marbles since I lost mine. Story here.

I ate two entire apple pies by myself in a matter of 2 days for Thanksgiving.

I discovered coffee a la mode and Cinnabon Delights from Taco Bell.

I thought the sky was falling for a second and realized the kids threw a pen at me

I learned how to do this: http://www.interestingfunfacts.com/open-can-without-can-opener.html

I failed at the Vulcan Neck Pinch

Some woman at Walmart growled at my kids

Dr. Seuss Stories

Dear Dr. Seuss, I seem to have accidentally gotten your things. Thing 1 and Thing 2 most specifically. And why did you never write about Thing 3? I have that one too. I think they have possessed my kids with their evil thing magic. Where is the Cat in the Hat to clean this mess up? Signed, the mother who is starting to mind.

I swear I just figured out Dr. Seuss's logic. See i think it all started out he was sorting through the clean socks, and was like, 'One sock, two socks, three socks, four..." And then he wrote the entire poem, but then later was like, "Who wants to read a book about socks? What about fish? I can draw a fish. Let's do fish.

Ever scream at the kids, "Stop fighting. I'm serious. Stop it. Stop it now?" Ever choke on your own spit in the middle of your sentence? Ever dribble on yourself from choking on spit mid sentence? And I wonder why the kids never take me seriously. Sigh.

What my kids did:

One kid broke her arm at school, and the other kid got lice from school, so I sometimes wonder why I don't home school.

My two year old walks up to me, mind you she has this Shirley Temple meets Little Orphan Annie look going, and she's holding a banana to her ear talking into it like a phone. She's saying, "Yeah, I want to buy bananas. Hold on." She hands me the banana, so I talk into it, "Hello? Yeah? How many bananas?" She looks at me as serious as can be and says, "Mommy, that's not a phone. That's a banana."

You know those deep philosophical questions like if a tree falls in the woods and nobody is there to hear it, does it still make a sound? Or how many licks does it take to get to the center of the tootsie pop? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? I got a new one. Just how long can one kid cry because she got the yellow gum ball instead of the pink one?

So my oldest daughter wants to wait until tomorrow evening to brush her hair. LOL I was like, "Um, no." She's like, "Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow," and I'm like all sincere actory with my serious face, "creeps in this petty pace from day to day to our last syllable of recorded time, and all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death..." I swear I put some British actors to shame just now. Then she interrupted, "TOMORROW TOMORROW" I'm like in my dramatic singing voice, "I'll love you tomorrow you're always a dayyyyy ahhhhh wayyyyyyy" (because she loves it when I sing). After a good 20 minute debate about tomorrow which totally beats an Obama debate because she's pretty stubborn about tomorrow, which how can you argue Little Orphan Annie, you can't, that's why I won, anyway I remembered to eat my breakfast of champions. Two ibuprofen. Good morning luvs.

My 6 year old: "Let's turn the world into popcorn so everyone can eat the world"

The 5 year old: "Everyone will get really big."

The 3 year old: "Um, everyone will die. We will die."

So I go to take the older two kids to school, late, and the 3 year old needed to use the bathroom, which was full of 2 classes taking a bathroom break. Now i'm not sure how old this little girl was, but I'm guessing she was 5ish. She had one of those adorable faces that would be perfect for a Crest commercial. As my little one was washing her hands, this girl asks, "Is she four?" and I'm like, "No, she's 3." and she responds with the straightest most serious face, "I bet she turns 4 next year."

I was taking a shower talking to my husband. Right about the time my daughter walks in, I finish the shower, fling open the curtain, and say, "I really need to trim this beard, don't you think luv?" Referring to my lady parts of course... My daughter is like, "What beard mom?" and I was like, "uh..." she looks closely at my chin and says, "Nevermind, I see it."

I think I need to start ending all my parenting advice (not criticism) in "Of course, my kids don't listen to me for shit and they destroy the house, so my advice might suck."

What the husband did:

My husband cracks me up. When he's tired and the kids are misbehavin, he starts to go off on them for what they did, but before he's done with his rant, he goes of on what they will do. Mind you, they are ages 2, 5 and 6. He starts getting into their teenage years... Shit like, "When you get you get older and start to get all smart assy like you know it all, uh huh, just wait, we'll see who knows it all."

He grabbed my boobs. My husband is one of those men who likes to grab my boobs occasionally, like when I am walking, doing dishes, typing, reading... At least, in his defense, he doesn't make honking sounds; however, it deeply annoys the ever living fuck out of me. And then, he loses about 100 IQ points when he actually believes that it somehow turns me on and we should go have sex somewhere... Break out the Marvin Gaye, turn the lights down low, give me that good love, you found the g-spot in my cleavage, must rip off clothes right fucking now. So, to retaliate, I just randomly pinched his nipples with ice cold fingers. I think I shall make this a new habit.

We almost died watching a movie. So the hubs and I are watching the newer Die Hard, again. So it's at the beginning. I talk the husband into giving me a back rub, I hope, so I start to unzip my jacket. I look at the TV and the woman is doing the same in the movie. Then I take the jacket off right as a dude was doing that in the next scene. Then I tell the husband to catch me because I'm laughing too hard. He's seeing this too. And then I look at the TV again, and there's a man holding a woman. I pointed to confirm the husband saw it too. So then we both look at each other like, "Oh Shit," the next scene someone gets shot. Best believe I locked the door and said a little prayer until that part was over. We survived.

He got Boobed. With the way the kids are acting today while I'm trying to clean and no where near getting much of anything accomplished besides losing my mind and sweating a lot. A lot. Yes, I'm talking boob sweat. As soon as my husband walks in that door, I'm shoving my sweaty boobs in his face because he's the mother fucker that knocked me up.

The husband loaded the washing machine with blankets and its imbalanced humping the ground where you could probably get off if you sit on the floor near the machine. So I explain to him, "Think centripetal force, there has to be balance in the force." That should work since he is a Star Wars nerd.

Big Headlines in 2013

The government shut down.

We almost picked a big fight with Syria backing up terrorists who ate a human heart on video.

A white girl sued Paula Dean and her brother for totally discriminating against black people. Everyone thought she just said the N-word and was like, "that's no big deal stop talking about it" because they like butter that much.

Miley Cyrus twerked it while licking the air. And she molested a foam fan finger on stage.

Robin Thicke pissed off women with Blurred Lines.

Some 300 kids trashed a football player's house and their parents wanted to sue the football player.

Phil Robertson said homosexuality is a sin. I don't know where these Christians come up with this stuff.

Netflix dropped Nickelodeon. No more Dora on the Netflix.

The KKK invited some of my black friends to join during their membership drive.

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