Creative Ways to Wake Up Your Husband That Don't Work

The husband laid down for a nap before work and asked me to wake him up at 9. I set the alarm, and at 9, I realized, "Wait, he never wakes up." Like there are times where I try to wake him up, tell him things like, "By the way, it's going to be $500 for her teeth. We're going to have to sell my body for sex to afford this," and he'll agree and forget the entire conversation took place because he was sleep talking.

I knew this was going to be a challenge.

So I sat abruptly on the bed, which opened his eyes really wide like he just fell off a cliff in a dream, and then I burped loudly.

"How's that for an alarm?"

He started to close his eyes again, so I proceeded to breathe in his face. My breath is pretty bad at this point.

He kept moving his face away from mine (I don't know why), and then he started to close his eyes again. So I grabbed him by the balls, cupped em, and with his balls in my hand, I proceeded to kiss his stomach (because that tickles him, and the balls were in my hand to protect myself from retaliation).

He farted and went back to sleep.

I licked his belly again, and then we had a conversation about sex, showers, my armpits, and his workplace, and then he drifted back to sleep.

So then I bit his nipple. He grabbed my nipple, and we proceeded in a nipple gripping war. When I declared peace, he went right back to sleep like this never happened.

So I sent in the kids. I even told them for the first time in ever, "Go jump on my bed." They did. They got hugs and kisses.

Would you believe he's still asleep?

So I wrote this blog post while it was all fresh in my head, and finally, he had to use the bathroom. Nothing gets you up better than having to use the bathroom. I'm probably going to surprise smack him in the face with my boob just for putting me through all this.


UPDATE: So I read him this blog post, and he has absolutely no recollection of any of this taking place.