Etiquette to Giving a Proper BJ: don't blow it... by A Former Slut

I know this is totally TMI, but someone has to talk about it. This is a very important subject, so important that if I ever run into a genie, my world peace wish would be that all the cum tastes like the cream filling of a twinkie but doesn't make you fat and ingesting it cures cancer.

Now I only give blow jobs (yes you read BJ right you dirty slut you) to people I love. It's reserved for those who have earned the precious right to stick their junk in my dribble, well except for that one guy but we won't talk about that.

I should mentioned I'm married, and this is more for married couples who lost, that loving feelin. Men for whatever reason seem to like Noggin (head, get it) over sex sometimes. It's so important to them that if I ever woke up with a penis, noggin would definitely be on my bucket list, just to see what's so awesome about it.

Too bad this is not a skill I can put on a resume. I don't think I'm that awesome at it, but whatevs. I'll tell you my secrets. You can tell me yours in the comments if you dare. Do you dare? Disturb the universe?

Noggin Do's to Make it Fun and not a JOB that BLOWS.

1. Chapstick. Days before the "big" event, slap some chapstick on your lips. The family jewels deserves to be kissed by soft, supple lips. You should also exfoliate a bit in that process. We are talking the most prized possession of any man here. You know I'm being quasi-facetious. Well if you didn't, now you do. Pretty much this whole post is that way.

2. Mouthwash optional. I read somewhere in something like Cosmo back in 1995 that if you use mouthwash before giving a BJ, it enhances it. So of course after reading something that absurd, I had to try it out. Never a complaint. Supposedly the astringenty nature of it brings the blood forward, and we all know that is one location where more blood, the merrier. In addition, it makes it taste better for you because your mouth is already numb and all you can taste is minty mintness.

3. Hydrate. Symptoms of minor dehydration are things like fatigue, things that won't help you. But also, you want to your slobber to be slick, not sticky, and you don't want it to smell because you have to relick your own lick. I mean one of the most vomit-inducing features of a blow job is licking cold slobber, especially if it tastes like garlic. This helps reduce that effect.

4. Remember ladies. Cup the balls. Don't just grab them like men do your boobs. No caress those fuckers. Cupping is probably the most important thing. Watch your teeth. In my Julia Child voice, remember ladies, you're not eating sausage. You are just gutting it out gently.

5. Occasionally lick the balls. Occasionally slightly suck the balls like you would the tip of an ice cream cone. Then breathe out on them. I know it's gross, like way gross to go there. I like to think about these during this part...

6. You know how on the tip of the penis, there's a heart shaped looking structure with a nice vein going down the center? Where the grooves cave in. Yeah, that spot is the male g-spot. Lick that like a pussy cat licking its ass. But not all the time, like occasionally do that or it gets too tender, and of course, not until after it's nice and hard. One guy who was not that well endowed used to scream, "God Almighty what are you doing to me?" It really is worth it if you get to hear that. Try not to laugh all over his dick when you do.

7. Mix it up. Make love to that thing. Avoid jaw cramps and possible vomit chokes from deep throating by occasionally licking different parts, kissing different parts, using your lips to slide up and down the slobber, and even your nose and cheek can do that. This is important because I don't know if it's possible for the jaw to lock up and you be stuck with a dick in your mouth needing paramedics to rescue you like a scene so bad it didn't make it into the American Pie movie, but I can't let something like that destroy my reputation so I mix it up.

8. Try to get turned on. Giving blow jobs are great when you feel you are in control, which you are, and when you, yourself, are enjoying it. How? How do you ask? Well, for starters, think about the same stuff you think about during sex whether it's that one guy you still like, the celebrity, a porn video, or eating a medium rare steak... Try NOT to think about things like your mom, your kids, your to-do list, that speech you have to give next week, new drapes, vomiting, or Jesus. I know it's difficult staying focused at a time like this. Think of the sexy aspects of yourself, not the what's wrong with the way you look that probably is not the case outside of your mind, but what you like about the way you look and feel. Get alpha male about it. You are the one in control. This man's pleasure is completely in your hands, and mouth. Everything you do outside of the bedroom doesn't matter. The only thing that's there are the hormones, savage instinct, and body chemistry. Hone in on that like you are trying to listen to a whispering voice in a crowd of screams.

and don't forget to...

This is important because, while there is no scientific evidence that I know of on this, on my psychic level, I'm straight telling you there is stuff that goes down (pun unintended) on a body chemistry level when your body emits hormones it does when it's turned on. The more turned on I am, the more it turns on my man. The more turned on he is, the more turned on I am. I don't know if it's an electrical signal thing that happens, or if it's a smell, or a combination of both, but it is most definitely there. It's probably a survival instinct in the process of reproduction and pro-creation. Our attractions are the same way, as we are generally attracted to someone with a different immune system for maximum genetic mix, and I really think there's something about the acidic vs base nature of the reproductive parts. Either way, BJ's are better for both when both people are emitting their hormones into the air.

9. Is the cum too salty? No problem. This is my most diabolical, mastermind, ingenious idea ever. Have you ever done body shots? This is like that but the men provide the salt. Yes ladies, when he comes at all in your mouth and you feel that bitter taste, chase that bitch down with some tequila and a lemon.

10. Definitely make him shower before you go there. And if you aren't that slut who is comfy giving BJ's but wish you were, or if you have a clean fetish otherwise known as OCD, blow jobs in the shower are no where near as nasty as blow jobs out of the shower.

11. The secret to deep throating is to relax the throat. It's an art. Practice it slowly. He doesn't care if you do that sort of thing or not. His penis is in your mouth, that's all that matters. If he jams it in there, grab his hands and pin his ass down. You are the boss because it's your mouth. If he wants to be boss, he can go down on you. This is what we call non-verbal communication, and most normal men like it when you take charge in that language, at least in the bedroom. But if you are too shy for something like that, no fear, just kindly say, "You have a huge penis. Try to be easy on me." And here I have exhibited a perfect example of the difference between Aggressive and Passive-Aggressive.

12. It's ok to want to fuck make love before he comes. BJ's can be awesome foreplay. Even if you can only handle it for a minute at a time, that's better than not doing it at all from the perspective of the penis. Now if you really don't want to, Don't. Don't give blow jobs you don't want to give, especially if it's because you think the penis needs to see a doctor. Don't do anything you don't want to do. I have to say that somewhere for moral implications, you know, like a "but I did say this..." when I give my confession for writing this post to a priest in hopes my penance will be less demanding. Fortunately I'm not really Catholic, so that was more metaphorical.

13. Only do this for men you care about or you probably mess it up if you aren't in it to please him because you love him. Note I said because you love him. Any other reason to please a man is probably not a good reason, like because you need attention, or because he's your boss and you deserve that promotion, or because you said no a thousand times and he's still trying and you just want to shut him up. Be a lady in the street and a freak in the bed. But the freak in the bed is reserved for only those who deserve it. If you do catch yourself at a party giving out a BJ to 3 guys in some strange bathroom on a dare, especially if you are under the age of 21, ummm, that's probably a sign of a daddy issue or a risk-taking symptom of some major disorder, and you should probably deal with that before you hurt yourself. And I don't mean that in an insulting way. I mean that in a seriously, please, do yourself a favor and take care of your mental health like it's a family heirloom.

14. And if the sight of a penis makes your stomach gurgle a bit because they do look like mushrooms... Remember this...

15. You should also read what Nikki from Moms Who Drink and Swear says about it, not only for the many many different synonyms one could use for penis (I personally like the word penis that I can't stop using it, and penis people because that's much better description than man), but also for the emotionally charged good advice she's about to give. The Hard Truth About Why You Aren't Getting a Blow Job

Now remember, there's more to a BJ than sucking a man's ego (how's that for a creative word for ding-a-ling?). There's more physical stuff that should occur, like some foreplay kissing, kissing his body in other places, caressing his body because he's so hot you can't help yourself (grab his ass while you are down there, don't lick it. Rim shot. That's just gross unless you like that sort of thing, in which case, I bow to you)... shit like that. But there's also the emotional stuff that goes on. You are bonding on a deeper level than a discussion about fireflies and soup. It's also often a result of the emotional bonds that take place outside of the bedroom. To me, it's a savage thing. I'm marking my territory.


P.S. If my mom reads this blog post... Nah I'm not going to apologize. It's good advice that even my own mother could follow. She might learn something. Who am I kidding? My mother probably could offer better advice.

PPS. If my kids ever read this post.. Do not give out any blow jobs until you are married. And you are not allowed to date until you are 37. And if you are thinking, "OMG my mom?" well just be happy I didn't swallow you and chase it with tequila. You might of lost some potential siblings that way. NO you weren't adopted.



Don't forget to comment, if you dare, about things you do. My husband will probably appreciate it more than he will ever publicly admit because I will probably try some new things as a result.


Update:

I found this gem today and had to put it here. The Grapefruit Blowjob.   You're welcome.