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Crumpets and Bollocks: Parental Advice Warning to the Young and Dumb

Parental Advice Warning to the Young and Dumb

Q&A from Circle of Moms

I'm at a graduation giving some speech to snot nosed teenage know it alls. What do I say about parenting? The question was designed for parenting for young women who want to become moms. LOL Yeah right. Like I'm going to miss out on the other kids who need told... So, here's my answer.

First, to the boys: It takes two to tango, and while this culture seems to absolve the fathers from any and all responsibility of a child outside of money, the reality is too many deadbeat dads infest this world with their irresponsible uselessness. Children, our future, need their father's love and advice. Don't be with a woman you wouldn't mother. Do you know if your lover is pro-life or pro-choice? If you can't answer that question, you are already being irresponsible. If you don't think you ever want to have children, do us all a favor and get a vasectomy.

To the ladies: If you are not ready for children, be responsible. Boys will sell it like it's a used car with deceit and persistence. God gave them two heads, and nine times out of ten, you are talking to the one behind the zipper. Don't trust a man until you know the man enough to tell which head you are talking to. You wouldn't buy a car without a contract would you? Marriage is that contract. Lock them into that deal before pushing out their spawn.

Babies. A precious miracle. A gooey, sticky, time consuming, attention seeking miracle. Basic Military Training kind of prepared me for it… I had 3 minutes at a time to eat and had to run on 3 hours sleep, 3 to 5 miles a day, over 100 pushups and situps, and then beyond fatigued and starved, had to sit caffeine deprived in training, clean, problem solve and speak coherently, with someone screaming in my face. It was easier than motherhood because there was an end.


When you do become a mom, your intuition trumps all. Listen to it. Trust it. Right now? Take care of yourself. Use this time now to build confidence, trust your inner voice, find your inner peace, take vitamins, and enjoy your bubble bath. Don't take that bubble bath for granted. Someday, you won't have it.

That's all I could squeeze in within less than 2000 characters (including spaces). What I wanted to add?

I also suggest to have a good credit score before going into parenting. Don’t screw that up when everyone starts handing you master cards like it's a deck of cards for a drinking game. It's not a drinking game. Your credit means everything. Credit is short for Credibility. Savings is important, and don't blow it on the nursery. Half the stuff you could buy for a nursery is crap. You probably want to be in a house you own before your kid is walking. Why? Because then you can do whatever you want to the house to child proof it. You can build closets to keep things out of their reach. Repaint the walls when they draw all over them. Replace the carpet with something you won't be scrubbing on your hands and knees once a week so that it looks presentable. There's a million little things that stink renting with children. Own your house. Have a savings for fixing it when it breaks. Kids will break your house. They break everything. Speaking of which, anything heirloom quality, put it somewhere else like storage until your kid is your age now. 


You also want Life Insurance just in case you die. It probably won't happen ever. I mean, only vampires die. But just in case you get bit by a vampire and die, you will want Life Insurance so someone can afford to bury your butt. In addition, a Will. That's where you get to pick who gets your kids. It's not an easy decision, so start planning that part now.

Don't judge parents. You have this June Cleaver paradigm in your head right now. My kid would never do that. I am going to do this and this and that and that, and totally be a better mom than that person over there, and that totally makes me the Dr. Phil of Parenting. WRONG. You have no idea. This is one subject no amount of babysitting will prepare you for. And Karma, she's watching you. When you are vocal about it? You make life harder on the mom you are judging.
 


NOTE: When I first saw the email for Circle of Moms with this, I replied. Well Circle of Moms connected to my personal Facebook account instead of my Circle of Moms account, so I deleted it and reposted it with my regular Circle of Moms account. I use a pen name right now for my blog because I don't want my inlaws and my family to read my blog. If you had my inlaws, you wouldn't want them to read my blog either. You might also have killed them in their sleep as well, if they were your inlaws. They are lucky they aren't your inlaws. 

Anyway, Last advice to kids I would NEVER say at a commencement speech though it NEEDS to be said... Good Luck Kiddos. Fuck Responsibly.


Totes almost forgot to add it... Link to the Q&A... You can vote for it if you want to, but don't feel compelled to or anything. I am not here to compete with other bloggers for any internets. Take me as I am or kiss my legos. 


http://www.circleofmoms.com/question/you-were-giving-commencement-speech-whats-one-piece-advice-youd-give-young-women-who-1707124?trk=profile_body

Labels: , , , ,

Crumpets and Bollocks: Parental Advice Warning to the Young and Dumb

Friday, May 17, 2013

Parental Advice Warning to the Young and Dumb

Q&A from Circle of Moms

I'm at a graduation giving some speech to snot nosed teenage know it alls. What do I say about parenting? The question was designed for parenting for young women who want to become moms. LOL Yeah right. Like I'm going to miss out on the other kids who need told... So, here's my answer.

First, to the boys: It takes two to tango, and while this culture seems to absolve the fathers from any and all responsibility of a child outside of money, the reality is too many deadbeat dads infest this world with their irresponsible uselessness. Children, our future, need their father's love and advice. Don't be with a woman you wouldn't mother. Do you know if your lover is pro-life or pro-choice? If you can't answer that question, you are already being irresponsible. If you don't think you ever want to have children, do us all a favor and get a vasectomy.

To the ladies: If you are not ready for children, be responsible. Boys will sell it like it's a used car with deceit and persistence. God gave them two heads, and nine times out of ten, you are talking to the one behind the zipper. Don't trust a man until you know the man enough to tell which head you are talking to. You wouldn't buy a car without a contract would you? Marriage is that contract. Lock them into that deal before pushing out their spawn.

Babies. A precious miracle. A gooey, sticky, time consuming, attention seeking miracle. Basic Military Training kind of prepared me for it… I had 3 minutes at a time to eat and had to run on 3 hours sleep, 3 to 5 miles a day, over 100 pushups and situps, and then beyond fatigued and starved, had to sit caffeine deprived in training, clean, problem solve and speak coherently, with someone screaming in my face. It was easier than motherhood because there was an end.


When you do become a mom, your intuition trumps all. Listen to it. Trust it. Right now? Take care of yourself. Use this time now to build confidence, trust your inner voice, find your inner peace, take vitamins, and enjoy your bubble bath. Don't take that bubble bath for granted. Someday, you won't have it.

That's all I could squeeze in within less than 2000 characters (including spaces). What I wanted to add?

I also suggest to have a good credit score before going into parenting. Don’t screw that up when everyone starts handing you master cards like it's a deck of cards for a drinking game. It's not a drinking game. Your credit means everything. Credit is short for Credibility. Savings is important, and don't blow it on the nursery. Half the stuff you could buy for a nursery is crap. You probably want to be in a house you own before your kid is walking. Why? Because then you can do whatever you want to the house to child proof it. You can build closets to keep things out of their reach. Repaint the walls when they draw all over them. Replace the carpet with something you won't be scrubbing on your hands and knees once a week so that it looks presentable. There's a million little things that stink renting with children. Own your house. Have a savings for fixing it when it breaks. Kids will break your house. They break everything. Speaking of which, anything heirloom quality, put it somewhere else like storage until your kid is your age now. 


You also want Life Insurance just in case you die. It probably won't happen ever. I mean, only vampires die. But just in case you get bit by a vampire and die, you will want Life Insurance so someone can afford to bury your butt. In addition, a Will. That's where you get to pick who gets your kids. It's not an easy decision, so start planning that part now.

Don't judge parents. You have this June Cleaver paradigm in your head right now. My kid would never do that. I am going to do this and this and that and that, and totally be a better mom than that person over there, and that totally makes me the Dr. Phil of Parenting. WRONG. You have no idea. This is one subject no amount of babysitting will prepare you for. And Karma, she's watching you. When you are vocal about it? You make life harder on the mom you are judging.
 


NOTE: When I first saw the email for Circle of Moms with this, I replied. Well Circle of Moms connected to my personal Facebook account instead of my Circle of Moms account, so I deleted it and reposted it with my regular Circle of Moms account. I use a pen name right now for my blog because I don't want my inlaws and my family to read my blog. If you had my inlaws, you wouldn't want them to read my blog either. You might also have killed them in their sleep as well, if they were your inlaws. They are lucky they aren't your inlaws. 

Anyway, Last advice to kids I would NEVER say at a commencement speech though it NEEDS to be said... Good Luck Kiddos. Fuck Responsibly.


Totes almost forgot to add it... Link to the Q&A... You can vote for it if you want to, but don't feel compelled to or anything. I am not here to compete with other bloggers for any internets. Take me as I am or kiss my legos. 


http://www.circleofmoms.com/question/you-were-giving-commencement-speech-whats-one-piece-advice-youd-give-young-women-who-1707124?trk=profile_body

Labels: , , , ,

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