Top Ten Stupid Superstitions I believed in high school and maybe most of my adulthood and possibly still believe in them...

10. Padiddle

The Padiddle game is a cutthroat ruthless game where you scream Padiddle every time you see one headlight on a car (the other burnt out) and punch the roof of the car before everyone else does for the point. If you didn’t already know how to play this game, please flip the rock off of you and see the light (one headlight). Caution: this game is brutal, ending more friendships and relationships than monopoly. BTW, I always win when I play against myself.

Best strategy: Scream it louder than the next guy so you win the tie.

9. The magic 8 ball

Confession time. I still have a Magic 8 ball, and I still use it to make some of my biggest decisions of my life, like we didn’t move because the 8ball told us not to (well that and packing sounded awful and it wasn't like we were really thinking about moving anyway), and apparently I am a unicorn. I mean how else would I know the answer to things I’m just not sure of due to an overwhelming amount of insecurity and lack of confidence? Stock investment? Ask the Magic. Marriage Proposal? Ask the 8 Ball. Most definitely, ask if your crush loves you, at least 3 times a day.

For those who don’t know, the Magic 8 Ball is this MAGICAL BALL, go figure, which answers your yes or no questions. You shake it and roll just a little, and flip it upside down and this little triangle thing floats up in this blue solution with an answer, from yes to no, to definitely, to ask again later. According to the Magic 8 Ball, don’t eat yellow snow. That was a definite no. You’re welcome.

8. Paper Fortune Teller

For questions too complex for the Magic 8 Ball, there is the Paper Fortune Teller. Instead of asking if he loves you, this one you can ask more detailed questions like, “When am I going to get laid?” and “What should I make for dinner?” You make up the responses because you make the origami. Visit WHAT I MADE on how to make one, and you can have the fortune responses to be anything you want. As opposed to just yes or no answers, the Paper Fortune Teller can predict things like, “You will be attacked by a dirty diaper” and “Drink a Vodka for insight.”

7. Serendipity movie and true love

This one is all me. Nobody else does this. Back in the day of VHS tapes (if you don’t know what that is, you are too young to read this), I had the movie Serendipity, a love story about how fate brings people together. I started to watch it by myself in my bedroom. I hate romance movies, especially when I was single, like screw all those characters who are not real at all for falling in love and embracing happily ever after. So when the movie approached a scene where the guy was reading his own obituary he wrote, right before the impending happy ending, I turned off the movie in protest to happily ever after. I didn’t want to see the happy ending until I had one of my own, and I decided the man who watched the end with me by fate is my Serendipity and meant to be for me. I still have the tape somewhere, queued at that scene.

Fast forward to later, I had this boyfriend, the TV was on cable, and I walked into the room to him, and low and behold, he's watching Serendipity at the scene where the guy is reading his own obituary. I took it as a sign and cried. I did marry that guy for reasons beyond this movie, but how romantic is that? You know what would be more romantic? If the guy did dishes and housework. Serendipity, you suck.

6. Flip the cigarette upside down

For those who don’t smoke, when you buy a new pack of cigarettes, you are supposed to take the first cigarette, flip it upside down, and put it back in the pack. That then becomes the last cigarette you are supposed to smoke from that pack, and it will bring you luck. It’s also important because you don’t give out your last cigarette because that luck is yours and no one else’s. I'm sure it also brings cancer with that luck, but you know, everything has a price.

5. Itchy

They say if your nose itches, someone is thinking about you. If your ears itch, someone is talking about you. If your left hand itches, you will receive a gift. If your right hand itches, you will meet someone new because the right hand is the one you use to shake hands. If your boobs itch, someone is thinking about you intimately, and if your crotch itches, you need to see an OBGYN STAT.

This one is actually true. Completely. There is no scientific evidence to prove it. That right there tells you it’s true.

4. Fortune cookie

Did you know that in order for the fortune in a fortune cookie to actually work, you have to eat the fortune cookie in its entirety BEFORE reading your fortune? It’s true. It’s also true that if you drop your fortune cookie on the floor, you have 5 seconds to eat it without worrying about germs.


Did you also know that the fortune cookie originated in Japan? That’s why you get them with your Chinese Take-Out. Now a days, most fortune cookies are American, made in America, because only our Chinese food items (and fireworks) are not made in China unlike everything else we sell.

3. Good Fuck

When you run a yellow light, if you punch the roof of your car and scream “Good Fuck,” you will not only get laid soon, but you will also get a good lay. Knock those boots people. Knock them hard. Knock them down. Knock them sideways. And why? Because the yellow light declared it so. Try not to hit anyone while driving, and don’t get a ticket for accidentally running a red light in your heated moment of passion-seeking behavior.

For a cleaner version, scream “Good Luck” and nothing will happen like luck because it’s not supposed to be luck. Duh. It’s supposed to be for whores trying to get some.

2. MASH

This is a game only the cool people play. If you haven’t played it, then you should so you can be cool too. For those who don’t know, draw a box on a piece of paper. Write MASH at the top of the box. The M stands for Mansion, the A for Apartment, the S for a Shack, and the H for a Hotel. Then on the left side, list out four careers or car types. On the bottom, write 4 numbers. On the right, write 4 boys names. Some people do more without the box adding things like college majors, things they want to be known as, or anything that pops into their mind.

You then start drawing a spiral without looking (or have someone else draw it for you), and you decide when to stop. You count the number of arcs in your spiral (like 2 for each full circle) for a magic number. You then start at M, and going clockwise, you count as far as your number. Mark it off. From the next item, count again. Mark the item you land on off. You continue to do this until there’s only one option left in each category. For instance, if you counted it out and crossed out ASH, then you circle the M and continue around the box without counting anymore from the top of the box. When you are done, you know the house you will live in, the career you will have, the number of kids you will have, and the man you will marry. Just because it’s different every time doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen like that. And if you get an answer you are not happy with, you must do it again.

I still use MASH to this day to help me prioritize what goals I'm going to work on...

1. Straw Game

Tie your straw wrapper into a lose knot. Grab the edges of the straw wrapper and pull it tight. If the knot frees itself, the person you are thinking about loves you. If the knot stays, they don’t. Some do “people are thinking of you,” but that’s not true. That’s the nose itching, remember? You are totally allowed to try to pull the knot through again, like a repeat, and it totally counts if it pulls through. You can also sit there and maniacally rip the knot clear, and that totally counts. It means you just have to work at the love thing.

How to be Lord of the Flies: a pep talk for the next school year

With the school year about to start again, YAY, YAHOO, WHAT! WHAT!... yeah I'm a mom of 3. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, with the school year about to start again, FANTASTICAL!, I have compiled some pep talks we should give the children, especially middle school and high school aged. Profanity laced because kids remember better when there's the occasional use of profanity. It's like it flips the real talk switch.

My nephew is a teen, and I can vouch that the kids today are much bigger asshats than the ones of yesteryear who are now online telling you that you should die a thousand deaths covered in hornets and mosquitoes who all carry STDs because you didn't breastfeed for longer than a week. Yes, their kids are better at the asshattery than they are. And your kid? Well he's about to meet their kid. Without any adult supervision. Lord of the Flies.

Face it. Teachers and administration today really don't give a shit about bullying, they are educators, not babysitters, and some of them are the biggest bullies in the school. Your kid is about to dive into a world of savage children and adults, again, without your protection, and attempt to survive another school year in hopes to make it without a drug addiction or serving jail time. Fuck learning. Just get through the day.

It's really sad it has come to this, you know, because we adults created the system this way. No matter how many mom bloggers and credible journalists write about bullying, no matter how many students write notes about how they were bullied and it led them to shooting up the school killing innocent children, no matter how many suicides take place as a result of bullying, we adults are so cold-hearted to turn our heads away from that because there are more important issues at stake, like gun control.

So I've put together a little social survival guide pep talk... 

1.  The one that inspired this post...

This is probably the most important rule to follow. Not only does it protect you from catching the butthurt, but it also helps you in the popularity realm because this is alpha male behavior. Kids don't follow followers. They follow the person who just doesn't give a shit. The resiliency to any form of rejection is a key component to surviving high school. You should master this skill to a point where you can ask a member of the opposite sex out, and they say no, and you are like, "whatever" and then you ask out their friend.

The important thing to remember is unless you are an asshole, people's feelings tend to be more of a product of their own internal struggle more so than any external reason. In other words, if you are a good kid, and a kid doesn't like you, most likely the other kid just has an issue and it has nothing to do with you. Self hate is a mysterious, strange phenomenon, and that's usually what you are up against when it comes to haters.

2.

I know when you are stuck in a savage world surrounded by less-than-human beast-like behavior, your first instinct, as a savage animal in the wild kingdom, is to either beat the shit out of someone, or maybe fight back with weapons. Don't do it. Contrary to what the video games and gangsta rap has to say on the subject, violence is not cool. If you like violence, like have a natural inclination to kicking ass, then may I suggest keeping your nose clean and when you become of age, join the Marine Corps because no civilian is ever as badass as a Marine. Period. Otherwise, the popular majority really views violent people as monsters. If you have been viewed as such, it is not you who they view as that, but the violence you portray. Many times we turn to violent behavior in an attempt to scare people into being decent, and it doesn't work that way.

I know this because I used to get into fights. I used fear as a source to control other kids around me. And I did this because I was sick of being bullied. It never worked as well as love and joy. Instead of punching someone in the face, or dropping something heavy on their foot "by accident," try making others laugh with any kind of dumbfuckery that isn't mean. You'll make more friends that way and finish the day feeling better about yourself. If they don't like you, refer to rule number 1. Some people just are never going to be decent.

3.

Ok, there are some exceptions to this rule. Being a bigger asshole to the asshole is sometimes entertaining, as long as you don't go overboard and it's all in the name of fun. The important thing is, don't be mean to nice people. There's no reason for it. Your unkind words should never be an offense. Never throw the first insult.

What you stand for should speak for itself. If you stand for good things, you will be untouchable in the end. If you stand up for the nice guy, no teacher can fuck with you for that. If you stand up for the asshole, you are in a position where you need asshole things like lies, deceit, and more assholes to cover your ass. If you stubbornly stand for things like the truth, kindness, patience, compassion, love... You will grow as a person and bloom like a flower. If you stand for the opposite, you will probably achieve a short moment of glory before you fall, hard, and it will hurt.

Honestly, do you really want to have something like someone's suicide on your conscience? I mean, what kind of person would you be to know that someone you were an ass to at school committed suicide a few days later claiming in their note it was because they couldn't stand the bullying anymore? Don't be a dick to people unless the situation warrants it.

4.

When you got someone consistently fucking with you on a regular basis, you need an army of people who make you laugh, lift you up, and just be your friend. It's a human wolf-like phenomenon, but I guarantee you, most social bullying takes place in the form of a pack against a loner. The only way through it without changing schools is to shift that balance of power. It's the same way walking in the city late at night. They tell you to walk with people and not alone because most bad guys prey on someone walking by themselves, especially if they are female (assuming they see the female as the weaker gender, which it's not). That's the thing, wolves prey in packs on the weak and injured, and bullies are the same way. The easiest way to protect yourself is to find your tribe.

The tribe is the place where they make you feel better about yourself, where you are comfortable being who you are or comfortable not knowing who you are yet. Don't be so quick to jump into defining your identity. That happens naturally on its own over a series of decades, and you'll never totally figure out where you belong in the sense of how you define yourself and how you want others to perceive you. But the tribe isn't about that. It's about a group of friends just hanging out, having fun, and protecting each other on a social level. It's the people who have no problem with your differences while embracing the similarities.

Many kids find their tribe by joining some extra-curricular activity. Sports teams generally stand up for each other, and you can even find some good friends joining the yearbook team. If you like acting, you will find other people who like acting by joining the drama club. The ROTC is probably the best place to find a lump-all-interest tribe because the military is designed to operate as a team despite how different you are from each other. I noticed with the loners, their biggest obstacle is their fear to try to find friends.

When I was in high school, I had a bunch of tribes by the time I hit my junior year. I had my first tribe I made friends with in 9th grade. They were just a group of misfit outcasts like myself, all very different, where our only common trait we shared was that we didn't belong in any clique and we were too nice. Then I made friends with the popular nerd. She was a 4.0 student (all through college even) who had a little wild side about her. Then I made friends with a popular girl in general, through choir, which I didn't sing but my mom taught choir. There I made some popular acquaintances who have become good friends throughout the years into adulthood. Then I found a clique I belonged. The g-funks. They loved me because I had money, and a car, and I was good at talking the police out of arresting anyone, and I loved them because I had a posse of ass kicking protection bouncers. I also loved hip-hop, so that worked out well. Of course, my parents hated it. By the time my senior year rolled around, I was friends with everyone who wasn't a cheerleader or a jock, the group I hated the most. My biggest bullies. The irony? I hit college and my tribe there was the cheerleaders and football players. I say this because it doesn't matter if it's a reflection of who you are, or your identity, but just a group of people you get along with.

You don't have to do everything they do. When I hung out with the g-funks, they smoked pot a lot, and drank a lot of booze. I never got drunk with them. I didn't smoke pot with them. They didn't care.

5.

I know it's cliche, but my reasons for this are not. I'm here to tell you that a good grade is not a sign of intelligence. It in no way reflects on whether or not you learned anything, or are ready for college, or could master any kind of job. It doesn't really matter if you have good grades to get into college. Why then would someone want good grades?

The biggest issue in high school is having the faculty back you up over the next kid, especially when it comes to getting in trouble. You will have much more freedom as the teacher's pet than as anything else. And the Principal? In every school system in the US, the principal is bombarded with bull shit from the board of education, and the most important thing to that principal is how well the school looks on paper. It is the kids with the high GPA, good attendance record, and who score high on standardized tests that make that principal. They know it. Most good principals will kiss your ass if you have a good GPA, a great attendance record, and score high on standardized tests. 

I did this in high school. I took Honor's Classes, and had a great attendance, and my GPA averaged 3.5. My mom taught at the school, so that helped, but not all the teachers liked me. The principal did. That mattered. A friend was expelled for missing school, and I had that turned over by simply telling the principal to reinstate her. I used to leave class in the middle of a lecture to go next door to get a diet coke, or to steal donuts and coffee from the teacher's lounge. Nobody flinched. I remember one time this guy was following my sister around calling her a "n-bomb (he used the real word) loving whore." I got in his face, threatened to kick his ass, using the fuck word every other word, and my principal tapped my shoulder. This guy's face turned whiter than his normal crackerness when that principal showed up, and the principal asked, "Is this guy bothering you?" I replied, "Nothing I can't handle myself, sir." He replied, "Could you handle it elsewhere? because the teachers in the lounge can hear you, and your language is bothering them." I replied, "I think we just made my point clear."

The easiest way to get good grades is to show up to class on time and try (that means stay awake, actively take notes, and study a little). Teachers will give you better grades for showing effort and learning nothing than knowing the subject and showing no effort. Period. It's the world we live in. If you know the subject, you have to pretend to know less than the teacher or you will get a teacher who just doesn't like you.

But I promise you, good grades kick ass. Ever notice every story about a school-aged kid in the media, they tell you whether or not the kid got good grades? It mattered to these people. Trayvon Martin was shot by a neighborhood watch sociopath, and the question many people asked in order to decide who was innocent and guilty was, "What was Trayvon's GPA?" Stupid isn't it? Yes it is. But it's the way of things, so that stupid GPA is important. You want that credibility.

One of my greatest accomplishments in high school was that day I realized my Principal was comfortable enough to say the word "Damn" to me, while mocking a clique I never really appreciated (the hippies, they could be downright mean for a group of pot-smoking peace-loving crunchy people). That's the kind of relationship you want with the guy in charge.


Just remember these 5 things, and high school will not be a breeze. It will not be a snap of the fingers. But it will be bearable, conquerable, and you will survive it without jail time. And hopefully, through the miracles of Jesus, this generation of kids with a worse education than what my generation received, with less morals than were on the streets of my childhood, with more medication than before the FDIC became more lenient, and with more helicopter parenting of my time will grow up and fix all the bull shit my parents generation started and my generation provoked. In other words, you think high school is bad now? Wait until your kids are in high school.