J J J Just Dance....

Does your child lack rhythm? Does he embarrass you on the great dance-off? What about you? Do you kind of maybe think it's possible your booty isn't shaking right? 

I feel the need to discuss this concept. I feel dorky writing it out like this and making some of the confessions I'm making, but really, how else are you going to learn? There's a bunch of people out there in this world who cannot dance and won't even try because they know they can't dance. Shaking it is fun. It's stress relieving. You don't have to suck at dancing. So I'm going into the stuff nobody talks about. The stuff people pretend they were born with to feel superior. This blog is about how to not look like one of those people on the dance floor, you know the one you make fun of from your bar stool. You might even make a video and laugh at them on your Facebook... Yeah, that won't happen to you if you get off the bar stool and dance after reading this... And if you are one of those people everyone else is making fun of, consider this my public service announcement...

And this is really good advice too for people on the spectrum. The over-analytical side and the difficulty processing emotion kind of makes it too easy to not feel the rhythm. I do promise to be blogging more on autism at some point. Anyway... 


My sister is a fabulous dancing drama queen. Her son, poor guy, 12 years old, can't dance. Even worse, he knows it. When I was a kid, I had no idea. Nobody ever told me. It wasn't until I was dancing in front of mirrors at a club semi-sober was I able to determine that I kind of have no rhythm, well that and at that age, my new set of friends let me know. I thank them for that, but I would not change my years of delusional thinking that I could in fact dance because they were happy years. NOW, I know how dance okay, but there's always that guy at the club with happy feet like he's Usher who has to go and show off and make my butt wiggles feel pretty inferior. Anyway, I'm amazed how such a good dancer like my sister has reproduced any offspring who can't dance. Like how the hell does that happen?

Here's the first step to getting in step...

So I've been telling my nephew to count out the music. Obviously, some things are 3 counts, some are 2 counts, some are a strange 5 count, but most songs are your easy 4 count. It really helps. Sometimes you feel the music and just find the rhythm without thought. That's awesome when it happens, but when you are somewhere like your school's dance, unless you truly don't give a fuck which is rare among teens, you are going to have issues "feeling" the music when all eyes are on you.

Cheerleaders and dancers have always turned the song into a four count to learn the choreography, and often to make it up. You will see them practicing to not music, but to "One two three and four, five six seven eight, jump one, step two, three, four, shake it five, six, seven, boom eight...." Almost like working out. With a little cheerleading experience under my belt, I eventually figured out the counting it out, but I felt odd doing it like that's not what people do right? Wrong.

I was at the club one night, and this crazy bitch knew how to dance. She was rocking it. I found myself sipping my vodka and watching her most of the night in awe. Anyway, after the club, I went out to breakfast with my friends. Guess who I got to sit next to? So, still drunk out of my mind, I had to ask how she learned to shake it. She told me she counts it out in her head. Made me feel much better, up until the part where she spontaneously with absolutely zero provocation threatened to stab me with a fork, in which case I sobered up in point five and dared her to try. This was long before it was cool to do that on the internet, threaten to stab people with eating utensils. I was caught off guard with that. I mean who does that? Inmates will use a fork as a shank. INMATES! And she was pissed serious as cancer with it. We almost ended up in the parking lot until her friends stopped her, like I had already gotten up and walked halfway to the door telling her to bring her ass on. Shit was on like Donkey Kong. How dare you be all role model like and flip the switch like that on me. Fucking crazy bitch. Glad we didn't fight though. She would have totally kicked my ass.

Anyway, dance also is one of those things that takes practice. Like you kind of suck at first, but the more you count it in your head and move with that beat, the better you get. Which is why I always tell people to dance nekkid in the mirror... It really is good practice, and there's so much more to benefit from it, like getting comfortable with your body and yourself.

The other tip I learned, never watch someone who can't dance while you are dancing. You will find yourself dancing to their crazy rhythm. Instead, watch the guy who can dance. You will then find yourself learning some new moves, learning a new way to approach the rhythm, and wow, you are kind of in rhythm and almost feeling the music. Ladies, don't dance with a guy who can't dance unless he's hot and you are trying to take him home with you which I don't suggest doing if you are in high school or at a bar because most of them are never worth dancing badly for.

And with my kids, I've been focusing on the simple side to side stuff with them. I figure once they get the footing down, which is half the rhythm, they'll be able to incorporate other things. It's basically you step to the right with your right, and then you bring your left foot over on the next beat. Then you step to the left with your left, and you bring your right foot over. That's your four count. Easy peasy right? Once you get that in rhythm, like counting it out, then you can do stuff with your arms, shoulders, boobie shakes, back arches, butt wiggles, throw in a spin or some foot magic, or even change up the steps... It's easier than the electric slide, and you can do it anywhere there's music playing without looking a fool.

The other one I do that's easy when I'm too drunk to count to 4... I just step forward to a beat and hold it for a beat and then step to a beat, and hold it for a beat. Then throw in a step step step step, step hold step hold. Meanwhile I wiggle my butt ever so slightly. Some day I might make a youtube video of my safe drunk move while wearing platform 5 inch heels... It's easier than walking really.

Am I the world's greatest dancer with this? NO! But am I the one people make fun of from the sidelines? Not anymore bitches!!!  The important thing is that dancing is fun and you really should never be afraid to shake it. Yes it takes the confidence of a dog with a boner, but embrace that feeling of confidence because that's half the fun. Cmon now, you have to admit a dog with a boner humping someone's leg is a very happy dog, whereas the dog trying to control his hump in the name of civilized behavior is probably going to get cancer. Even if you dance badly, the important thing is to dance regardless of what the haters say. Would you rather be the person having fun? Or the person who has to make fun of people because they are bored?

Secrets to my Sexy

I think the sexiest thing about me is me. I know me. I love me. I am very comfortable with who I am and how I look. I wish this for all women. So here's some things I do that helps me do this, and I do these things religiously, like daily, like they are all parts of my life because they are things I do to maintain a healthy relationship with my self.

Dance

I dance all the time, especially nekkid in front of the mirror. There's just something empowering about it, but also it's like you release a lot of negative vibes with dance. I shake my booty in front of public cameras, and sometimes my boobs which I usually refer to as a milk shake, not to be confused with MY milk shake which is more like my sexy/my swag/my ambiance. When I walk around the house nekkid for any reason, I often do a milk shake in front of windows, just in case there's a stalker you never know. The husband, he gets free random lap dances, and most of the time, they are no where near normal expectations of sexy, yet somehow I'm still sexy through it all. The kids, we break out into dance all the time. It's important they learn how to dance anyway. Driving, best believe I'm dancing, and if the radio is broke, I'm probably singing badly and dancing to it or rapping badly and dancing to it (like I end up sounding less like Tupac and more like Dr. Seuss when I try to rap). If you don't believe me about dance, ELLEN. I'm no where near a lesbian, but I think Ellen is sexy because of the way she carries herself, like I would enjoy dry humping her and the enjoyment would probably be more awkward to me than actually dry humping her.

Mirror Talk/Real Talk

This is important. It really is. You can stare at yourself naked in the mirror thinking, "oh, I'm fat. Look at those wrinkles. My hair is limp. Stretchmarks. Eww what the hell is that? A new mole?" OR you can stare at yourself nekkid and say, "Watch me make my fat jiggle when I move my ass like this. Ha ha, it's kind of sexy when it does that. I wonder if I can make my booty clap. Hmm, need to work on that. Let's try this move... oooh, my boobs are flying. If they were any bigger, that might hurt. Now that I think about it, they are kind of perky. Gotta touch the nipples. Oooh new song. I don't want anybody else. When I think about me I touch myself... Oh that's not a bad move. Drop it like it's hot. Can't touch this. STOP, yeah, I'm a sexy beast." Doing this every time you shower, in a month, you will be so comfortable with your own body as well as increase your awesome dance moves because now you know how you really look and was able to tweak some shit, and watch out world, now you have been practicing.

Music

Music is an art, an expression, and a way to brainwash yourself. You listen to depressing shit when you are depressed right? Well I get depressed when I listen to depressing shit just the same. I tend to try to listen to more positive, empowering soul food type stuff just because I find it inspirational and it does play a role in molding me into a person I want to be. See this post for the type of stuff I make sure is in every play list, and you can shake your booty to it. Watch the women in the videos to see how.

Talk to Yourself

I not only talk to myself, but I argue with myself, and sometimes we just have meetings, which is cool because I ALWAYS get to be leader. Yes people think I'm crazy, but they will think whatever they think regardless. But really, I get to know myself. I communicate with myself. They say communication is important in any relationship, well that includes the relationship you have with yourself. Sometimes I look in the mirror to talk to myself and establish eye contact and stuff. Kind of weird sometimes because I get distracted by my sexy eyes and then I go down that path where I wish I could so clone myself. But I talk about things from what I'm doing right now to help me concentrate, what I need to do to help me focus, and things like where I delve into the meaning of life, my purpose in this life, my role as a mom, what I want to start working on or improving, my goals, my dreams, my problems, people I think are hot... Things you talk about with anyone important in your life.

Prayer

This goes with talking to myself, but adding God to the conversation means you shut the hell up once in a while and listen. That's easier said than done. God is one of the hardest people/entities to listen to because He doesn't  use words. He requires us to open parts of ourselves that we don't open for anyone else. The easiest way to know God is to do the right thing, and as you do that, you can more easily recognize Him when He's speaking to you, and with that, learn how to open yourself up more to Him. This goes for anyone of any religion, and you have to legitimately do the right thing, not pretend to. There are atheists out there who probably speak to God daily and have no idea. They've just labeled Him as something else other than God.

Think of Yourself during Foreplay

Or when you masturbate... I had to put this after Prayer just for the juxtaposition. Anyway, when you are getting hot and heavy sexually, don't think about other men or women, or porn... Think about your body. Look at your body. Watch the lady parts bloom, you know what I mean. Get a mirror involved. You notice how some people in the more adult groups/forums/social networking tend to really enjoy posting pics of their own privates? There's a reason for that. They are embarking upon finding themselves sexy, sometimes looking for someone to agree with them. You don't need people to agree with you. If you can turn yourself on with yourself, there's no need for any confirmation or reaffirmation. Posting your pics somewhere is then a charity. You can take it to the next level and really enjoy pleasing your lover with your sexy. Don't make it a job. Strike a pose when doing the nasty, and watch them enjoy you, all of you, while laid bare. You can knock this mentality all you want, but this is one subject I'm actually very good at. If only it could be a career without it being illegal or deadly... Now I'm back down that disturbing, disappointing path of wanting to clone myself.