J J J Just Dance....

Does your child lack rhythm? Does he embarrass you on the great dance-off? What about you? Do you kind of maybe think it's possible your booty isn't shaking right? 

I feel the need to discuss this concept. I feel dorky writing it out like this and making some of the confessions I'm making, but really, how else are you going to learn? There's a bunch of people out there in this world who cannot dance and won't even try because they know they can't dance. Shaking it is fun. It's stress relieving. You don't have to suck at dancing. So I'm going into the stuff nobody talks about. The stuff people pretend they were born with to feel superior. This blog is about how to not look like one of those people on the dance floor, you know the one you make fun of from your bar stool. You might even make a video and laugh at them on your Facebook... Yeah, that won't happen to you if you get off the bar stool and dance after reading this... And if you are one of those people everyone else is making fun of, consider this my public service announcement...

And this is really good advice too for people on the spectrum. The over-analytical side and the difficulty processing emotion kind of makes it too easy to not feel the rhythm. I do promise to be blogging more on autism at some point. Anyway... 


My sister is a fabulous dancing drama queen. Her son, poor guy, 12 years old, can't dance. Even worse, he knows it. When I was a kid, I had no idea. Nobody ever told me. It wasn't until I was dancing in front of mirrors at a club semi-sober was I able to determine that I kind of have no rhythm, well that and at that age, my new set of friends let me know. I thank them for that, but I would not change my years of delusional thinking that I could in fact dance because they were happy years. NOW, I know how dance okay, but there's always that guy at the club with happy feet like he's Usher who has to go and show off and make my butt wiggles feel pretty inferior. Anyway, I'm amazed how such a good dancer like my sister has reproduced any offspring who can't dance. Like how the hell does that happen?

Here's the first step to getting in step...

So I've been telling my nephew to count out the music. Obviously, some things are 3 counts, some are 2 counts, some are a strange 5 count, but most songs are your easy 4 count. It really helps. Sometimes you feel the music and just find the rhythm without thought. That's awesome when it happens, but when you are somewhere like your school's dance, unless you truly don't give a fuck which is rare among teens, you are going to have issues "feeling" the music when all eyes are on you.

Cheerleaders and dancers have always turned the song into a four count to learn the choreography, and often to make it up. You will see them practicing to not music, but to "One two three and four, five six seven eight, jump one, step two, three, four, shake it five, six, seven, boom eight...." Almost like working out. With a little cheerleading experience under my belt, I eventually figured out the counting it out, but I felt odd doing it like that's not what people do right? Wrong.

I was at the club one night, and this crazy bitch knew how to dance. She was rocking it. I found myself sipping my vodka and watching her most of the night in awe. Anyway, after the club, I went out to breakfast with my friends. Guess who I got to sit next to? So, still drunk out of my mind, I had to ask how she learned to shake it. She told me she counts it out in her head. Made me feel much better, up until the part where she spontaneously with absolutely zero provocation threatened to stab me with a fork, in which case I sobered up in point five and dared her to try. This was long before it was cool to do that on the internet, threaten to stab people with eating utensils. I was caught off guard with that. I mean who does that? Inmates will use a fork as a shank. INMATES! And she was pissed serious as cancer with it. We almost ended up in the parking lot until her friends stopped her, like I had already gotten up and walked halfway to the door telling her to bring her ass on. Shit was on like Donkey Kong. How dare you be all role model like and flip the switch like that on me. Fucking crazy bitch. Glad we didn't fight though. She would have totally kicked my ass.

Anyway, dance also is one of those things that takes practice. Like you kind of suck at first, but the more you count it in your head and move with that beat, the better you get. Which is why I always tell people to dance nekkid in the mirror... It really is good practice, and there's so much more to benefit from it, like getting comfortable with your body and yourself.

The other tip I learned, never watch someone who can't dance while you are dancing. You will find yourself dancing to their crazy rhythm. Instead, watch the guy who can dance. You will then find yourself learning some new moves, learning a new way to approach the rhythm, and wow, you are kind of in rhythm and almost feeling the music. Ladies, don't dance with a guy who can't dance unless he's hot and you are trying to take him home with you which I don't suggest doing if you are in high school or at a bar because most of them are never worth dancing badly for.

And with my kids, I've been focusing on the simple side to side stuff with them. I figure once they get the footing down, which is half the rhythm, they'll be able to incorporate other things. It's basically you step to the right with your right, and then you bring your left foot over on the next beat. Then you step to the left with your left, and you bring your right foot over. That's your four count. Easy peasy right? Once you get that in rhythm, like counting it out, then you can do stuff with your arms, shoulders, boobie shakes, back arches, butt wiggles, throw in a spin or some foot magic, or even change up the steps... It's easier than the electric slide, and you can do it anywhere there's music playing without looking a fool.

The other one I do that's easy when I'm too drunk to count to 4... I just step forward to a beat and hold it for a beat and then step to a beat, and hold it for a beat. Then throw in a step step step step, step hold step hold. Meanwhile I wiggle my butt ever so slightly. Some day I might make a youtube video of my safe drunk move while wearing platform 5 inch heels... It's easier than walking really.

Am I the world's greatest dancer with this? NO! But am I the one people make fun of from the sidelines? Not anymore bitches!!!  The important thing is that dancing is fun and you really should never be afraid to shake it. Yes it takes the confidence of a dog with a boner, but embrace that feeling of confidence because that's half the fun. Cmon now, you have to admit a dog with a boner humping someone's leg is a very happy dog, whereas the dog trying to control his hump in the name of civilized behavior is probably going to get cancer. Even if you dance badly, the important thing is to dance regardless of what the haters say. Would you rather be the person having fun? Or the person who has to make fun of people because they are bored?