2014 Grammy Feelings and The Bad Ass of the Year

So I didn't actually watch the Grammy's. See what happened was we had cable. Then one day I realized, "Hey, we pay about $100 a month so the kids can watch 3 Nick Jr. shows until Dino Dan comes on and we go back to Netflix. That's just stupid." So for a year, I kept swearing we were going to get rid of cable. And finally, while I was in the hospital, the husband did. So we have no cable.

Now I googled Grammy's Live before the Grammy's started, and all I could find was Red Carpet. I didn't realize CBS was showing it live on their site because Google denied me that search result. Thanks Google.

So instead. I've been watching all the YouTube videos people are posting that will probably disappear tomorrow like the VMA ones did, though Miley's tongue didn't perform so it's not like they have a reason to remove it now.

I watched Beyonce and Jay Z who popsugar rated as the most awesome calling them Hip Hop royalty. Royalty? Let me tell you who hip hop royalty is... NAS. Ice Cube. Dr. Dre. Mary J. Blige. Erykah Badu. Aw hell, even DMX is more royalty than Jay Z.

And the "chemistry" between them? I didn't feel any. It seemed performed, oh wait, it was. Just like a porn video but with the clothes on, sort of, and the live studio audience.

Beyonce, tell that boy it's time to go to the left. He's cramping your style. Jay, please don't make her shake her ass for us when she's 50. Please. Let her grow up from the childish Miley twerks into the woman she's destined to be. She needs to start singing about real life like Mary J Blige does. Something with more substance than going to the club. Honey, we aren't 18 anymore. It's time to grow up. You know who you are Beyonce? The role you were in Dream Girls. You have so much talent. You are beautiful. You are empowering. The only thing you are missing is that your songs are not from your heart. Halo was a good one.

And I saw the Macklemore free flow. Awesome. The Macklemore/Madonna/Queen Latifah thing... Ok, nobody exchanged vows as promised. Maybe it's because I didn't get to see the whole thing, but if what i saw is what it was... That was not a marriage. That was people standing on the side exchanging rings. Girls giving out best friend bracelets have more of a ritual than what was shown there. I don't know if I'm more annoyed being cheated by the Grammy's or the fact that all these people are like, "awwww it was so beautiful!" Mind you, this is coming from the woman who got married on my lunch break in camouflage and combat boots a couple hours after I proposed to my husband on the cell phone, so I am down with the unromantic. And Madonna. She was so cool in the 80's, we kind of forgive the fact that she can't hit the notes anymore on her old songs, but she should have sang with Macklemore's girl the whole time.

Katy Perry. Ok so popsugar did a thing where you reminded them of Hocus Pocus (the Disney movie), The Crucible, Lady Gaga's ball, and some other weird stuff. I get it though. Dark Horse. I mean what would you do on stage with that? Play Chess? Your performance was awesome. I like Roar better, but that's only because it's like Rocky IV with lipstick.

Pharrell. I love the Happy song so much more. We're up all night to get lucky, I hate that song. I really do. And why? Because when I watched your performance, I could fast forward a few seconds, and it's the same thing playing. I skipped another 30 seconds. Same thing playing. Skipped another 30 seconds. Same thing playing. Am I being repetitive? Isn't it annoying when people just repeat the same shit over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over... again? Yes. It is. Oh wait, I get it. That IS how guys usually get lucky. Repetition, persistence... Used car telemarketing spam. I see what you did there.

Metallica. Yeah you rocked as usual. Good job. Love the piano guy. Lang Lang. Classical music is in decline, maybe not anymore?

Lorde, awesome as usual too. Um, just an idea. Next time. See, you are from New Zealand right? Lord of the Rings was filmed in New Zealand right? And your name is Lorde, and Lord of the Rings? I mean it is destiny to have a hobbit, an elf, some guy with a sword, a dwarf and a wizard in your next performance.

Imagine Dragons and Kendrick Lamar. Um, Kendrick could you put the mic down for a second to let them have a minute? Just a minute. Mic hog. It's puff puff pass. Puff. Puff. PASS. The whole thing kind of reminded me, remember that scene in Back to the Future where Michael J Fox performs for everyone at the dance. He's rocking it. The crowd loves him. And then he decides to get 80's guitar metal on the stage with a crazy solo and knocks the speaker over? Yeah, this performance was really cool with some moments of, "umm, not really musically sound," up until the electric guitar came out and went all Michael J Fox on the stage.

Robin Thicke, I loved it. Chicago really classed you up. I still have a crush on your dad and it makes me happy that you made him look good at the Grammy's by being human instead of a pimpwannabe. The fact that you are one year older than me and I still have the hots for your dad is NOT awkward. Now the fact that I was like 7 years old with a huge crush for both Kirk Cameron and your dad, yeah, ok, that might be awkwardly ewww, like go ahead and page Dr. Freud.

BUT the best performance of the whole night, hands down, definitely PINK.

Check out Pink's Performance on Heavy

Yes, Pink. My mouth was agape the whole time. I've never seen someone sing with that much energy, focus, heavy breathing, and strength going on at the same time. You had me at hanging from the ceiling with what appeared to be freely hanging without any kind of safety net. Badass. Then you did splits and stuff with your body that made my body feel 20 years older by watching, and you are my age. Badass. Then you let the audience twirl you. Awesome. Then you lifted that guy with your back like that.. Wow. Then you did all this Jet Li shit like Jackie Chan doing his own stunts. Amazing. And you did it while singing your heart out hitting all these hard notes with long durations of wind coming out of your mouth. Epic.

And the Badass of the Year Award goes out to PINK

with her Grammy Acrobatic Gumby MILF Performance

Sorry it's not as amazing as it sounds because it's from a small blog, like it's not like getting knighted, but it's your award you earned. Total bragging points Just tell everyone you have been dubbed Badass of the Year, especially when you are saying, "Don't fuck with me."

Expendables Update: Rhyme Scheme is Silly, Serious, Silly.

So I guess Sylvester Stallone tweeted the following:

WILLIS OUT... HARRISON FORD IN !!!! GREAT NEWS !!!!! Been waiting years for this!!!!

and then

GREEDY AND LAZY ...... A SURE FORMULA FOR CAREER FAILURE

Of course, the second post might not be related to the first, but google that shit and everyone sure thinks it is. You can also google Kevin Smith's views of Bruce Willis and you would get a pretty good idea that Bruce is probably not the easiest person to work with. Kevin said he's pretty arrogant and his improv isn't funny. I don't know. I laughed a lot at a lot of movies Bruce was in.

Now this thing with Sylvester and Bruce is my fault.... It is. I had a dream about it in April and I posted it here. Bruce was totally hitting on me in the dream. Even though I had already intended on picking Sylvester, Bruce was trying. Seeing how I doubt I am really psychic and picked up on animosity forming between these two, most likely what happened is they are psychic and my internal struggle to choose between the two is what created the animosity. In other words, Sylvester was pissed Bruce was hitting on me in dreamland. Cmon now, we all know that's got to be it. I really should send Bruce a hooker with a card saying, "Sorry my milkshake brought you to this yard. I still love you."

So for Bruce Willis, I'm going to explain why I choose Sly over you. I also had to explain why I chose Sly over Will Smith when it came to a discussion about Philly Cheesesteaks recently...

Here's the thing about Sly. He works out still. He also paints. A jock who paints. How often do you see that? Yep that's it. And he's good at both. I mean he's a fabulous artist.

Well, and to add to the Will Smith thing, let's just say when I have dreams I'm Will's girlfriend, he's never in them. It's because of Jada. She'd kick my ass into 60 different shades of white.

Don't worry Sly, your wife can't get jealous because I'm married, I don't cheat, and she's prettier than me.

And Bruce, I'm so sorry I was attracted to you to make Sly get all kinds of jealous on you. Don't take it personal from him. It's my fault. I didn't mean to. You have a nice ass, and you look really hot in the wife beater and khakis covered in fake blood. One of my homeboys, Nathan, looks a lot like you. I think it's just because he's Irish and shaves his head too. You're more homeboy material. Sly, in my Terry Crew's voice, "Now that's future wifee right there."

I should also point out I've had more dreams about this. The movie. This is how it would go if I could write my character in it... 

In one dream I had after watching too many manly movies, Jet Li came to get me. He is at my door and I have him follow me after I hit some panic button somewhere (to contact the nanny). So I go to this room, and I open the thermostat, stick my hand on the thing behind the thermostat, and this huge walk in closet opens up out of the wall. I looked at Jet and was like, "Do you realize how many times my kids have changed the temp on that thermostat thinking it was going to do something?" So then we walk in the closet. To the right, I had 20 diaper bags packed and ready to go. On my left, I had 2 mercenary readiness bags. I grabbed one. Then I hit this button on the wall and the wall opens up to guns. I said, "Do you need anything?" He looks at the wall behind him (the one on the right) and says, "What's this do?" and he hits a button, the wall opens up, and it's all baby stuff. Extra diapers, bottles, formula, baby bath, medicine... Then the nanny shows up. He's a Puerto Rican flaming gay guy. I tell him he is on lock down, kiss the kids goodbye... we get in my car, and Kidz Bop started playing really loud. I quickly changed it to Ice Cube and looked at Jet Li to see if he noticed, and he looked at me like that didn't just happen.

Then there was a part where Terry Crews and I were both dancing to Robin Thicke's song, Blurred Lines, just like the video, except he was dancing all girly like and I was dancing all Robin Thicke like. Then the Russian guy from Rocky IV did the moonwalk in front of us.

I was in an Old Spice commercial with Terry too. I ripped off my shirt and then it was him shirtless instead of my boobs. Probably not the best commercial idea.

Then there was a scene where we were mercenaries going into a house to question some guy named Joseph. Well, trying to knock out an answer, someone knocked him out completely, so there we all were, sitting in Joseph's kitchen waiting for him to come to, and a kid walks in. Grabs a can of Chef Boy R Dee, and I'm like, "What are you doing?" He's like, "I'm hungry. It's dinner time. I'm getting me something." I was like, "Like hell you are." So I cooked everyone a healthy dinner. Other kids kept coming into the kitchen one by one, "Who are these people," and the one kid is like, "Friends of uncle Joe." And the kids are like, "Where's Uncle Joe?" And he's like, "He's passed out drunk again over there." The Russian guy from Rocky IV helped one of them with his homework.

There was a badass scene in the dream where Jet Li was against the Tiger Claws guy. Bolo Yeung. That was one of the best fights I've ever made up in my head.

I got out of a full charlie the way the Marines showed me. I'm still looking for a time in my life to get out of that hold for real. So far for fun, I can get out of it from a Navy guy in less than 5 seconds, and Army Vietnam Vet, about 20 seconds (60 seconds, let's be honest).

I got out of a choke hold by climbing on the guy's arms. That was cool. I never thought of that before. I do possess the flexibility for it. I'll have to try it some day if I can find a guy strong enough for it.

I blame TV violence for these dreams.

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I totally would make the Expendables reach new markets. I'm sorry I was too young to watch all the 80's movies in the 80's and watched them anyway instead of being famous and stuff.

Let me explain to people why I'm in love with The Expendables. It's the 80's. It's what I was raised with...

In all honesty, all those men in all those movies were part of the reason behind me joining the military to begin with. Yes, my father was a big deal, and the fact that I do come from a military family played a role. My brother was in the Army in the 80's. My dad was a Marine in the 60's. My grandfather (mom's side) is a WWII Army veteran. His dad is a WWI veteran.

Anyway, these men from all the cheesy good guy vs bad guy movies are the reason I wanted to get my shit together. They are men my father recognized as men. My father died when I was fresh out of high school leaving me in that whole, "He's never going to be proud of me," state of mind. Just about everything I've done with my life was my attempt to prove myself to a dead man. What better way than to be one of the icons of greatness he saw in his favorite movies?

Right before I joined the military, I had dated this one doctor guy. I thought he was husband material. I thought we had something serious going on. When I realized I was his intended mistress, that he intended on marrying some blond who would make better country club material and just cheat on her with me for the passion he couldn't get from her, I stopped it. When I stopped giving myself up to that man, he was not kind about it. Probably the biggest mistake I ever made because he would have taken good care of me, but probably also the best decision I ever made because I have dignity. That still didn't stop him from telling me that I wasn't worth more than a pretty face, and that didn't stop me from believing him (even though I'm pretty sure my IQ surpasses his, barely). I really felt if I could just low crawl under some barbed wire and kill people, that I would be man enough for assholes like that doctor, and more importantly for loved ones like my father. That I would prove to everyone I was more than just a pretty face.

Fuck what really happened, the Air Force wouldn't deploy me because of the pretty face. My NCO straight explained to me that I wouldn't see a day overseas if he and our readiness had anything to do with it. That's why I joined asshole.

Instead, I ended up designing some camera bracket holder thing for a roof top that I never got to see in action because I lacked the paperwork to go there. My husband saw it. He said it was awesome. I'm sure it wasn't. I'm sure it was just a camera holder on a roof. While nobody else could have designed it without flaw like I did (and by hand doing my own trig to do it because I didn't understand AutoCad enough otherwise, and it's boring), it didn't really matter. They could have jimmied it up there with a coat hanger just the same.

Either way, that unimportant camera bracket is there because of people like Sylvester Stallone, Clint Eastwood, Chuck Norris, Bruce Willis, Jean Claude Van Damme, Jet Li, Arnold Schwarzenegger... And you know what? I'm willing to bet over half the military, the number 1 in Air Power hoorah, the badasses on the ground oorah, and the taxi cabs at sea, aye aye, are there because of these men too. Because they look up to badassery and wanted to go and be it by enlisting.

I think there should be that one character who watched all the movies, and let those movies change their life. There should be that one Airman who joined the Air Force because Chuck Norris that's why, or the Grunt who went Army because he wanted to make a difference, or the Lone Mom Blogger who was raised on this stuff (and Matlock, can't forget Matlock), who fantasizes humping men twice her age because they saved the world too many times. Because they cared enough about vets to give a heartwarming speech on the POW's. Because they inspire patriotism and a love for a country many have given up on.

I'm just thinking Sylvester, you got enough famous motherfuckers for your movie. You need some real life badasses inspired by you on there. Someone who mid marathon keeps running no matter how tired they are because Rocky got back in the ring. Someone who taught his kid to arm wrestle just because he watched Over the Top. Someone who decided to donate to a homeless vet thanks to Rambo. Now that's PR working for you.

BTW, keep going up my family tree, and I'm sort of related to Clint Eastwood. Let me explain how. My great great great ... add a bunch of greats grandfather was John Webster. The Connecticut governor John Webster. Now my family tree spawned from his son Thomas, but Noah Webster's family tree spawned from one of Thomas's siblings. You get down to Noah Senior (Noah the Dictionary compiling copyright creating guy's dad), and he married Rebecca Greenleaf. She's a direct descendant of William Bradford. Now those who are related to William Bradford and can prove it with papers are in some hoity toity club. Clint Eastwood is in that club. So he's like a distant cousin by marriage. This is why I don't have romantic dreams about him from his 70's self. He was hot in the 70's. Like if we weren't distantly related by marriage, I'd so tap that and be the punk to make his day.


AND THE FIRST POST TO START MY EXPENDABLES POSTS