2014 Grammy Feelings and The Bad Ass of the Year

So I didn't actually watch the Grammy's. See what happened was we had cable. Then one day I realized, "Hey, we pay about $100 a month so the kids can watch 3 Nick Jr. shows until Dino Dan comes on and we go back to Netflix. That's just stupid." So for a year, I kept swearing we were going to get rid of cable. And finally, while I was in the hospital, the husband did. So we have no cable.

Now I googled Grammy's Live before the Grammy's started, and all I could find was Red Carpet. I didn't realize CBS was showing it live on their site because Google denied me that search result. Thanks Google.

So instead. I've been watching all the YouTube videos people are posting that will probably disappear tomorrow like the VMA ones did, though Miley's tongue didn't perform so it's not like they have a reason to remove it now.

I watched Beyonce and Jay Z who popsugar rated as the most awesome calling them Hip Hop royalty. Royalty? Let me tell you who hip hop royalty is... NAS. Ice Cube. Dr. Dre. Mary J. Blige. Erykah Badu. Aw hell, even DMX is more royalty than Jay Z.

And the "chemistry" between them? I didn't feel any. It seemed performed, oh wait, it was. Just like a porn video but with the clothes on, sort of, and the live studio audience.

Beyonce, tell that boy it's time to go to the left. He's cramping your style. Jay, please don't make her shake her ass for us when she's 50. Please. Let her grow up from the childish Miley twerks into the woman she's destined to be. She needs to start singing about real life like Mary J Blige does. Something with more substance than going to the club. Honey, we aren't 18 anymore. It's time to grow up. You know who you are Beyonce? The role you were in Dream Girls. You have so much talent. You are beautiful. You are empowering. The only thing you are missing is that your songs are not from your heart. Halo was a good one.

And I saw the Macklemore free flow. Awesome. The Macklemore/Madonna/Queen Latifah thing... Ok, nobody exchanged vows as promised. Maybe it's because I didn't get to see the whole thing, but if what i saw is what it was... That was not a marriage. That was people standing on the side exchanging rings. Girls giving out best friend bracelets have more of a ritual than what was shown there. I don't know if I'm more annoyed being cheated by the Grammy's or the fact that all these people are like, "awwww it was so beautiful!" Mind you, this is coming from the woman who got married on my lunch break in camouflage and combat boots a couple hours after I proposed to my husband on the cell phone, so I am down with the unromantic. And Madonna. She was so cool in the 80's, we kind of forgive the fact that she can't hit the notes anymore on her old songs, but she should have sang with Macklemore's girl the whole time.

Katy Perry. Ok so popsugar did a thing where you reminded them of Hocus Pocus (the Disney movie), The Crucible, Lady Gaga's ball, and some other weird stuff. I get it though. Dark Horse. I mean what would you do on stage with that? Play Chess? Your performance was awesome. I like Roar better, but that's only because it's like Rocky IV with lipstick.

Pharrell. I love the Happy song so much more. We're up all night to get lucky, I hate that song. I really do. And why? Because when I watched your performance, I could fast forward a few seconds, and it's the same thing playing. I skipped another 30 seconds. Same thing playing. Skipped another 30 seconds. Same thing playing. Am I being repetitive? Isn't it annoying when people just repeat the same shit over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over... again? Yes. It is. Oh wait, I get it. That IS how guys usually get lucky. Repetition, persistence... Used car telemarketing spam. I see what you did there.

Metallica. Yeah you rocked as usual. Good job. Love the piano guy. Lang Lang. Classical music is in decline, maybe not anymore?

Lorde, awesome as usual too. Um, just an idea. Next time. See, you are from New Zealand right? Lord of the Rings was filmed in New Zealand right? And your name is Lorde, and Lord of the Rings? I mean it is destiny to have a hobbit, an elf, some guy with a sword, a dwarf and a wizard in your next performance.

Imagine Dragons and Kendrick Lamar. Um, Kendrick could you put the mic down for a second to let them have a minute? Just a minute. Mic hog. It's puff puff pass. Puff. Puff. PASS. The whole thing kind of reminded me, remember that scene in Back to the Future where Michael J Fox performs for everyone at the dance. He's rocking it. The crowd loves him. And then he decides to get 80's guitar metal on the stage with a crazy solo and knocks the speaker over? Yeah, this performance was really cool with some moments of, "umm, not really musically sound," up until the electric guitar came out and went all Michael J Fox on the stage.

Robin Thicke, I loved it. Chicago really classed you up. I still have a crush on your dad and it makes me happy that you made him look good at the Grammy's by being human instead of a pimpwannabe. The fact that you are one year older than me and I still have the hots for your dad is NOT awkward. Now the fact that I was like 7 years old with a huge crush for both Kirk Cameron and your dad, yeah, ok, that might be awkwardly ewww, like go ahead and page Dr. Freud.

BUT the best performance of the whole night, hands down, definitely PINK.

Check out Pink's Performance on Heavy

Yes, Pink. My mouth was agape the whole time. I've never seen someone sing with that much energy, focus, heavy breathing, and strength going on at the same time. You had me at hanging from the ceiling with what appeared to be freely hanging without any kind of safety net. Badass. Then you did splits and stuff with your body that made my body feel 20 years older by watching, and you are my age. Badass. Then you let the audience twirl you. Awesome. Then you lifted that guy with your back like that.. Wow. Then you did all this Jet Li shit like Jackie Chan doing his own stunts. Amazing. And you did it while singing your heart out hitting all these hard notes with long durations of wind coming out of your mouth. Epic.

And the Badass of the Year Award goes out to PINK

with her Grammy Acrobatic Gumby MILF Performance

Sorry it's not as amazing as it sounds because it's from a small blog, like it's not like getting knighted, but it's your award you earned. Total bragging points Just tell everyone you have been dubbed Badass of the Year, especially when you are saying, "Don't fuck with me."