The memoirs of my day vacation: The Shenanigans

We awoke from the chaos into the world where instead of life trolling us, we trolled life. At the end of this day, I made my nephew play Ice Cube Today Was a Good day on his iPhone. You should probably listen to it while you read this post.

I actually woke up at 8AM. Maybe earlier. This is important because had I slept in to 10, the whole day would have been fucked. Sometimes it really pays to get up before you want to and be the responsible adult you couldn't wait to be growing up. You don't have to do that every day. Just important ones.

READ PART I of this series here, The Chaos
READ PART II of this series here, The Mayhem
(this is part III, the final part, except for extra photos coming soon)

After the continental breakfast deal, I packed everyone up and left. But before I left, since I just did recently blog about tipping, this is how I tipped housekeeping.

I don't usually tip them this much. It's just that it was a huge suite, and we did use the sofa bed. Had one of the kids peed the bed, it would have been much larger. I also wrote the note in English and Spanish because when I met some of the housekeeping staff in the elevator and started chit chatting with them, they understood less English than my brother-in-law who doesn't speak English. They might of been speaking Chinese for all I knew, but Spanish is the second language someone around me speaks fluently enough to translate. Had I gone French, it would have pretty much said, "Bonjour. Ca va? Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir? Baisez vous." That pretty much translates to, "Hello, how are you? Would you like to go to bed with me tonight? Fuck you." Yep that's about all I can say anymore beyond the Pledge of Allegiance to the American Flag (took it in high school if that wasn't already obvious).

You might be a redneck if you add this to it... (read it in your Larry the Cable guy voice)

So then we took off to the zoo. I drove. (Duh. Did you read the last post?)

I look much better today don't I?
Hair is pulled back for proper momming functions.

For those thinking of ever going to the zoo, it looks farther from downtown on the map than it really is. I would say we got there in 20 minutes. That might be because I CAN drive like I'm from Boston (pronounced Bah Stin, like a sheep Bah Bah Bahstin). I was fortunate because I rented a car, which meant it had a different license plate than my state (good ole West By God Virginia), so every time I cut someone off or was a total asshole on the road due to the fact that my husband was The Navigator, people were going, "Damn Mississippi drivers." Sorry Mississippi.

By the way, I do think I was wearing an ugly shirt.

My kids walking to the zoo, all cute like.

Getting into the zoo was awesome, and I'll tell you why. My husband and I got in free, so we only paid 50 bucks for the kids to get in. How did we get in free? Well I did have a coupon for $2 off that I decided not to use because apparently, military gets in free, and this includes veterans. All you need is your DD-214 (or active ID).

I was worried that my nephew might hate the zoo and get bored, but he didn't. I guess you are never too old to go to the zoo. I had fun too. I couldn't go anywhere without making some stupid, silly, funny comment that made everyone around me giggle or stare at me like I'm again, a crackhead.

But you know what? You are just not better than me if you can't figure out what the animal is enough to associate it to some cartoon character to help the kids make the connection. I don't care if people thought I was on crack when I walked up to the Lemur and broke out into, "I like to move it move it..." Or when I went to the leopard and explained to the kids that it sang a song with Bruce Willis on the Wild Thornberry's Rugrats movie, even if it wasn't the same leopard. Or when I said the tigers were "Grrrrrrrrreat" all Tony the Tigerish. Or that I kept referring to whatever fish it is as the Dory Fish. And I might of broke out into "In the Jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight," at the lions. I also explained to my girls that the lioness does all the work while the lion is a lazy man.

And you can't tell me I'm the only mom to break out into the map song every time we grabbed the map. If there's a place you got to get, I can get you there I bet, what's my name? The map. Say it again. The map.

Me and my girls.

My mom instincts were with it. I was like a savage, instinctive animal who looked into the animal areas and could spot out every lost sippy cup, bottle, and bink. 

Future mug shot faces, or duck lips gone wild?

My oldest daughter had the iTouch with her, using it to take pictures. At one point, I told the kids to pose for a picture, and she wanted to sit that one out to play a game on the iTouch. What? Child we are at the zoo. That thing is for pictures only. So here's that picture. The other 2 were mocking her. She was in a better mood 3 minutes later, about the same time some other family decided to hog the growth chart for pictures.

I think the fact that I never really did a growth chart at home might have caused some Freudian complex because my girls ran up to each one of those things and measured their height.

Giraffe does not approve of your parenting.

Now of all the animals, my favorite was the giraffe, and only for reasons of this story I'm about to tell. Like me, she had her mother instincts in super hyper drive. It was the funniest shit I've ever seen, and I'm the only one who noticed. The only people in this area at this point were me and a family of 5 people who weren't even looking at the giraffe. They were doing something where they were turned away from it huddled together looking down, talking to each other, looking for something. Maybe the map. One of the kids, about 10 years of age, climbed the binoculars thing standing one leg on it and the other leg on top of the bars we weren't supposed to cross while looking down. The giraffe instantly looked over, stared for a minute, turned her head and eyeballed the kid, then walked up to the front, closer to us, as far as she could go, never taking her eyes off the kid. The kid got down and the family walked away never glancing at the giraffe, even though I was pointing and laughing screaming to the husband what just happened and to hurry come get a picture of this. The look she gave them was priceless. The husband got this shot in, right at the end of the look. It was better seconds before this picture. It was definitely the ghetto, "Mmm hmm, control your kids bitch." Then she turned around and walked back up to where she was. No wonder Toys R Us uses a Giraffe to brand their image. Mind you, she, the giraffe, might be a he.

Note: I'm posting more picture of the animals in a different post. The Giraffe is in it.

After telling all 3 kids to get off the branch, I stood with
the 3 year old who stayed behind to argue with me about it.

Usually the thing I don't like about zoos are the monkeys, because of the smell. Fortunately and unfortunately, this zoo keeps the monkeys behind glass. Shitty pictures. No smell. My kids loved the monkeys though, and they were ooh ooh aah aah ing all the way through it, which I think added to the atmosphere. Others walking near us might disagree. I don't know why they would.

The monkeys were also strategically located in the middle of the walk giving the children that energy burst they needed because something about being inspired to climb shit is like liquid crack to my kids.

I like to move it move it. 

Just had to. The Lemurs were in there too. Pictures of all the zoo animals are going to be placed in another post. I'll link at the bottom once it's up.

So then we hit the worst part of the zoo ever. The Aquarium. 

My little Annie amazed at the Penguins.
See how dark that area is?

I started off looking forward to that part thinking it was going to be air conditioned (it was, but you couldn't tell). I love the whole aquarium feel. The fish. The water. It's relaxing. Not at the zoo. Not with the kids. In reality, it's a dark place with windows of fish, on both your left and your right, full of other people and their children in the clusterfuck of ooooh, look at this's. If you have more than one kid with you, even crazier because one kid is staring at the blue fish, one at the red fish, and the other ran off to the one fish while the husband is at the two fish and your life all the sudden makes as much sense as a Dr. Seuss book.

Five times, I had a heart attack because I lost a kid. Not the, "Shit, where is? Oh there she is." No. It was the, "Where's Solma? Have you seen Solma? Solma? SOLMA! SOLMA!" running around for 5 minutes before I find her staring at the jellyfish telling everyone around her about Spongebob. Did that once for each kid, including the 13 year old, except twice for Solma, and the kids on the autism spectrum, yeah scary. I can't go a day without reading about a missing child with autism. The water? That's worse. Water is the pied piper beacon for autistic children who always seem to forget they can't breathe water when mesmerized by its liquid, wet texture. (Note: not all autistic children are obsessed with water, but it's more common than trains).

Not to mention, the space was small for the amount of people there. If you have claustrophobia like I do, plus some social anxiety issues like I do, it's not a fun place by yourself.

The bottom level of the aquarium wasn't so bad. It was well lit with a lot of space. There was a place to pet the StingRay. I did. Why? Because the kids wouldn't until I did. Reminds me of the time back in the day when I was jailbait when I got my bellybutton pierced at some random street corner at Myrtle Beach because everyone else wanted one but was too scared to get it. It was a church function.

They also had crawl space for the kids to crawl under the Sting Ray. I only lost one kid, Annie, once with that, for a whole whopping 15 seconds. That's when I discovered the crawl space area went through to the other side. I should have low crawled it first, but I'd have to have a responsible adult present for that, and I only had my husband. He was so NOT helpful keeping track of the children in the dark fish cave like I was going to trust him with that for a minute.

We skipped the kid's ride area because it's more money and we were on a schedule. It was time to go to mommy and daddy's favorite thing. But before we left, we hit the store to get all the kids something.

Gabby grabbed a stuffed fox because it was soft. We didn't see a fox at the zoo.

Solma grabbed a pink purse with a pink penguin on it.

Annie wanted whatever Solma got.

My nephew chose the 10 dollar pixie stick.

Children probably should never be given that amount of sugar at once, ever. I'm just happy I didn't get any for my kids. My nephew didn't just get a sugar high. He was sugar drunk, for the rest of the entire day, up to like 1 AM.

In the car ride home, at about 10 PM, he called his mother randomly and said at 125 words per second, "I totally left my meds at Aunt Michelle's house and haven't taken my pills in 2 days, so I decided to fill myself with lots of caffeine and sugar instead." My sister has to think I suck. My husband thought it was hilarious. I was not amused.

My nephew (13) also seemed to prefer classic rock over top 40 when sugar drunk. It was worth it for that alone. I may pump that child full of sugar again just to get a break from Radioactive and Take me to the other side, and that one Justin Timberlake does that quotes Kung Fu Panda... all songs the radio stations play once every 4 songs. Though Alice Cooper's song about stealing cars might not be an improvement on influence. Musical quality yes. Stage make-up definitely.

My favorite part of the day... Brace yourself. Too much awesome. 

Now might be a good time to play this song...

After the zoo, we went to watch the Steelers practice next to a cornfield. Right as I sat my butt down to watch them practice, the oldest had to pee. Of course. I tried to make her wait, but she was relentless. So we go to the bathroom, which ended up being a perfect time. The janitor was talking to some other woman about where to stand for autographs. Apparently, the place they tell you to stand isn't the place to stand. So I jumped into the conversation and got some insider information on where Ben Roethlisberger has been signing stuff. Then when we were standing above the bleachers later, the same janitor stood next to me to point exactly where we want to be standing. She did it all top secret, like the mafia talking in front of the Feds. That made me feel like Christopher Walken.

So after practice, we made sure we were standing there with footballs and a pen. Ben starts to walk over, stops and starts talking to some people in the middle of the field. Keisel joined the conversation at some point. Everyone is screaming for Ben to come over. The guy next to me explained that the last time they practiced, Ben didn't stop to sign anything. I panicked. So I took off my outer shirt and showed some Glory.

Taken from the suite earlier that day. 

Can you find Jesus?

Hey, don't knock it. These puppies have gotten me free food, free drinks... They got me into the club at 16 years of age. They got me jobs. I'm very used to my milkies getting me my way. And this was not only important, not only a desperate time requiring desperate measures, but it was also for a good cause. To my left was a kid with Down Syndrome wanting Ben's autograph. To my right was a kid who didn't think Ben cared about his fans anymore. My boobs helped save Ben's career.

So according to the jealous husband, Ben noticed. Multiple times. From the field right before saying, "Are they saying my name over there?" While signing the kid to my left's stuff. While signing my stuff. While signing the kid to my right's stuff. And what better timing Ben because I was really starting to feel old, fat and frumpy. I thought maybe it was time for the milk jugs to retire. To hang up their nipples until the next life. 

Despite all that being true and fact and a little fiction, Ben didn't want to sign my cleavage. I DID ask him if he wanted to. He just giggled and was like, "That's okay." I'm just going to believe that it's because my husband and a bunch of children were standing right next to us. It's not because I'm an old fat frumpy mom. Nope, not at all. 

BTW, I think my boobs made him blush. That's why his face is a little red in the picture. Has absolutely nothing to do with a 5 hour practice in the hot sun.

Then as we were driving home, we ran across this sign (the traffic light is the only reason why we have a picture of it). I think it rather sums up my trip perfectly.

You're Welcome McMichael for the free advertising.

In case you hated Black and Yellow (because it should be Black and Gold as there's no other reason not to like that song), there's always this

Cow Tipping, 86 the Cow.

Kelley's Breakroom's discussion today is tips. She shared this picture...

"This is a receipt from Drew Brees, who tipped $3 on a $74 take-out meal. Saw the story over at FOX 26 Houston."

So the question is do we tip take-out? What about places like Sonic?

The grandmas of the past have taught me to tip when you receive a service from a person. If someone shines your shoes, you tip them. Whatever they charge is what you pay for the service. The tip is what you pay for their performance.

You go to a restaurant, you pay for food. The tip does not go to the restaurant like your food payment does. The tip is for your server for their performance. If their performance sucked, you can tip accordingly, or be like me and give a charitable donation because we know their pay sucks. Just make sure you don't pretend the performance sucked just to justify your guilt of being a cheap bastard who just doesn't want to tip. That's like fucked up because someone gives you a free service so you can be an asshole and try to get them fired over it. If you got your food and a drink, that is a service in of itself. If you tip a bartender for reaching down to grab a beer, open it and say that will be 3.75, then you can tip someone who walked back and forth to put in your order, grab your plates, and bring it to you. Your plate weighs more than a beer and deserves at least the same 50 cents or 2 dollars you would tip for a beer. Unless you saw them drop your food on the floor and then serve you, or they spat in your food, there should never be a 2 cent tip. Maybe a dollar with a note "this would have been 5 if you refilled our drinks and had a better bedside manner than a proctologist."

Now I do have some experience serving. I really don't mind waiting on you for no tip at all if you really can't afford a tip. I have proudly gave first class service to people who I knew couldn't tip much if at all, and in some cases, hooked them up with some free food because they couldn't afford what their kids wanted to order.

But people who are just cheap and greedy can kiss my ass. If I serve you once and you make me run every where, bitch about everything, and then not tip, I will not serve you again, and if I am the only person working, you will sit there with no service until you get up and leave. I'm really nice when I am nice, and I am really a bitch when you ask for it.

Who do you tip? Well that just depends on you. I tip a lot of places most people don't. This includes my...

Hairdresser
Massage Therapist
Tailor
Dry Cleaner
Gift Wrap
Tax Preparer
Hotel Maid/Housekeeping (leave the money on a dresser or sink area with a Thank You Note)

It doesn't always have to be money. I've had someone once tip me a Cuban cigar. Best. Tip. Ever. I have a friend who never has much money (she and her son lives off of 800 a month). She's the type to bring her hair dresser a Petunia or some fresh baked cookies from scratch. It sounds stupid, but you know, those little thoughts mean a lot more than money sometimes, especially if they know you don't have much to give.

I have been known too to send a bank teller who impressed me some thank you flowers because coworkers always ask who sent you those flowers, and public job recognition is awesome. Because flowers are not cheap, I do this very rarely anymore. Back when they were cheap, I did it all the time.

I also do a lot of Thank You Cards. Even Walmart, I once had an employee be very helpful, so I got their name, and bought a card from Walmart on my way out the door, filled it out to their name thanking them for their awesome customer service and dropped it with a manager.

Now when I say it doesn't have to be money, don't get confused. It has to be a warm thought appropriate for what I know you can offer. Cards that say "Come join my church" and "Jesus Saves," are NOT tips. I don't care if it is Sunday. Leave it on the table with a tip if you want to save my soul, but it's not to replace a tip. I know, some people are like, "But that's more valuable than money." Well you know what? Instead of giving you food, I could have just quoted scripture and called it "Soul Food" because that's more valuable than food. Would you like to pay 20 bucks for quoted scripture? I didn't think so. If you owe someone 2 bucks for their service, don't pay them with "Soul Food."

But there are places where you are like, "Do I tip? or not?"

1. Take-out. 

A lot of people don't seem to understand who actually handles their food and how much they get paid. When you do take-out at places like Outback, Olive Garden, Applebees... Usually a server, bartender, or hostess handles your order. Usually, the person who takes your order has to go back to the kitchen and put your food together. Usually a cook serves your to-go order on a plate and the server has to move it to the to-go containers. The server also usually has to fill your sauces, butter, and things like that themselves. Usually it entails getting their hands covered in goop to scoop it out, and they are expected by their peers to clean up any mess they make. Usually the person is making 2 something an hour. Usually, whatever you tip them, a percentage will go to tip shares to be shared with bussers, bartenders, hostesses, dishwasher, and cooks. I ALWAYS tip 20% on take-out from places like that. And you want to make sure your order is correct before you leave. Trust me. If it's not, because you tipped so hot, you can guilt-free make them fix any mistakes. But if you tip someone ten bucks to fuck up your order and you not know about it until you get home, that will piss you off.

Chinese restaurants are also a common place for take-out. Those places are generally ran by a family, and if you want to know what they get paid, the net income, which is sometimes a net loss. If the food is reasonably priced, you should tip. Even if you pick it up. Especially if there's a kid handling your order.

2. Pizza Joints.

This is a place where people can do one of three things. Dine In, Carryout, or delivery. Most of us tip for Dine In or Delivery. Carry Out, most people don't. I do. The reason being is I usually stick to the same pizza joints. I have 2 down the street I use exclusively, one of which I know the owner. These people remember two things about their customers. Those who tip well, and those who don't. And pizza places are infamous for treating those who don't tip well poorly, such as delivering cold pizza, adding secret sauces that aren't on the menu, using ingredients that might of touched the floor or someone's butt crack (okay maybe not that far, but you never know). I tip well to make sure I get actual food that's semi-digestible and won't give us all some form of disease. They know I tip well. I get VIP service for it. If a guy has 3 deliveries to make, he will stop at my house first because he knows I'm going to tip more than you. He also knows I tip when he doesn't have to deliver it. I'm a favorite preferred customer over it. I can even hear them argue who is going to handle me in the background. One guy thinks he should be my guy, no matter who answers the phone.

3. Fast Food.

The issue with fast food is A, you are there for cheap food. It's not a high class place like your spa. B. Everyone handles your food. It's not a service from one specific person. The only time I tip a fast food person is when I am getting special treatment or extra service from one person. If my kids go play in the play area, and the area is actually clean, I will tip the person who cleaned it that day just because it's rare you find a clean play area. If my kids make a mess on the floor, I will often find the person who will be sweeping the floor and tip them before I leave. If my kids spill something, I will tip the person who cleans up that spill. If they do me any favors, I will tip, or I will come back and tip.

4. Sonic

This is a fast food, but it's not. They bring the food to the car if you don't go to the drive up window. Sometimes they do this on roller skates. Now I'm sorry, but if you bring me food on a tray in roller skates, you deserve a tip. But if I drive up to the window and you hand me food like Burger King, you probably won't get one. So I try to only park at Sonic when I have cash to tip the carhop. They don't leave room for a tip on debit card transactions, so you have to think about that one. It sucks.

5. Places with a tip cup that probably shouldn't have a tip cup.

I've seen the cocktail servers with tip jars. That's because they are walking around trying to track your beer orders, and they go to the bar for you, and bring you your beer. Totally understandable in that case, and they totally deserve a bigger tip than what you'd give the bartender unless you order a mixed drink, especially a frozen one that isn't already mixed. But you get places like some Subways, the snack stand at your swimming pool who already over charges for shitty food... These are where I tip a dollar or two, depending on how much I backed up the line. These are usually cases where you don't have to tip, and the people working there might get in trouble by their boss for having a tip cup when they get paid minimum wage or more. They just do it to invite tips in hopes to make some because why not? An extra dollar is an extra dollar.

6. Retail clerks. 

Sometimes you walk into JC Penney's and find your own clothes, try them on, and then go pay. No tip. But there are times when you have someone working for you to help you find the perfect dress or bra that fits the best. They usually answer a million questions, suggest things to try on, and sometimes actually help you try it on. I know. Weird thing some people don't know about, but if the retail associate doesn't see your boobs as you try on a bra, she isn't fitting you and your bra probably doesn't fit as well as if she did. Now me, if you sat there and looked at my saggy boobs for 20 minutes of your life running to grab the next cup size and such, you deserve a tip. More so than the bartender who only had to see my cleavage and dump a little vodka into a TINY little cup. BUT in most cases, they are NOT allowed to accept your tips, especially if they work on commission. It's still a common courtesy to ask them if you can tip and do so if permitted. Especially if you ran them all over the store to grab you stuff in a different size.

Basically when it comes to tipping, be considerate. Look at what people are doing for you, and when you see someone doing quite of bit for you, reward them. 


And remember, when you actually go cow tipping, you should not be sober or it's very weird and seems wrong.