Cow Tipping, 86 the Cow.

Kelley's Breakroom's discussion today is tips. She shared this picture...

"This is a receipt from Drew Brees, who tipped $3 on a $74 take-out meal. Saw the story over at FOX 26 Houston."

So the question is do we tip take-out? What about places like Sonic?

The grandmas of the past have taught me to tip when you receive a service from a person. If someone shines your shoes, you tip them. Whatever they charge is what you pay for the service. The tip is what you pay for their performance.

You go to a restaurant, you pay for food. The tip does not go to the restaurant like your food payment does. The tip is for your server for their performance. If their performance sucked, you can tip accordingly, or be like me and give a charitable donation because we know their pay sucks. Just make sure you don't pretend the performance sucked just to justify your guilt of being a cheap bastard who just doesn't want to tip. That's like fucked up because someone gives you a free service so you can be an asshole and try to get them fired over it. If you got your food and a drink, that is a service in of itself. If you tip a bartender for reaching down to grab a beer, open it and say that will be 3.75, then you can tip someone who walked back and forth to put in your order, grab your plates, and bring it to you. Your plate weighs more than a beer and deserves at least the same 50 cents or 2 dollars you would tip for a beer. Unless you saw them drop your food on the floor and then serve you, or they spat in your food, there should never be a 2 cent tip. Maybe a dollar with a note "this would have been 5 if you refilled our drinks and had a better bedside manner than a proctologist."

Now I do have some experience serving. I really don't mind waiting on you for no tip at all if you really can't afford a tip. I have proudly gave first class service to people who I knew couldn't tip much if at all, and in some cases, hooked them up with some free food because they couldn't afford what their kids wanted to order.

But people who are just cheap and greedy can kiss my ass. If I serve you once and you make me run every where, bitch about everything, and then not tip, I will not serve you again, and if I am the only person working, you will sit there with no service until you get up and leave. I'm really nice when I am nice, and I am really a bitch when you ask for it.

Who do you tip? Well that just depends on you. I tip a lot of places most people don't. This includes my...

Hairdresser
Massage Therapist
Tailor
Dry Cleaner
Gift Wrap
Tax Preparer
Hotel Maid/Housekeeping (leave the money on a dresser or sink area with a Thank You Note)

It doesn't always have to be money. I've had someone once tip me a Cuban cigar. Best. Tip. Ever. I have a friend who never has much money (she and her son lives off of 800 a month). She's the type to bring her hair dresser a Petunia or some fresh baked cookies from scratch. It sounds stupid, but you know, those little thoughts mean a lot more than money sometimes, especially if they know you don't have much to give.

I have been known too to send a bank teller who impressed me some thank you flowers because coworkers always ask who sent you those flowers, and public job recognition is awesome. Because flowers are not cheap, I do this very rarely anymore. Back when they were cheap, I did it all the time.

I also do a lot of Thank You Cards. Even Walmart, I once had an employee be very helpful, so I got their name, and bought a card from Walmart on my way out the door, filled it out to their name thanking them for their awesome customer service and dropped it with a manager.

Now when I say it doesn't have to be money, don't get confused. It has to be a warm thought appropriate for what I know you can offer. Cards that say "Come join my church" and "Jesus Saves," are NOT tips. I don't care if it is Sunday. Leave it on the table with a tip if you want to save my soul, but it's not to replace a tip. I know, some people are like, "But that's more valuable than money." Well you know what? Instead of giving you food, I could have just quoted scripture and called it "Soul Food" because that's more valuable than food. Would you like to pay 20 bucks for quoted scripture? I didn't think so. If you owe someone 2 bucks for their service, don't pay them with "Soul Food."

But there are places where you are like, "Do I tip? or not?"

1. Take-out. 

A lot of people don't seem to understand who actually handles their food and how much they get paid. When you do take-out at places like Outback, Olive Garden, Applebees... Usually a server, bartender, or hostess handles your order. Usually, the person who takes your order has to go back to the kitchen and put your food together. Usually a cook serves your to-go order on a plate and the server has to move it to the to-go containers. The server also usually has to fill your sauces, butter, and things like that themselves. Usually it entails getting their hands covered in goop to scoop it out, and they are expected by their peers to clean up any mess they make. Usually the person is making 2 something an hour. Usually, whatever you tip them, a percentage will go to tip shares to be shared with bussers, bartenders, hostesses, dishwasher, and cooks. I ALWAYS tip 20% on take-out from places like that. And you want to make sure your order is correct before you leave. Trust me. If it's not, because you tipped so hot, you can guilt-free make them fix any mistakes. But if you tip someone ten bucks to fuck up your order and you not know about it until you get home, that will piss you off.

Chinese restaurants are also a common place for take-out. Those places are generally ran by a family, and if you want to know what they get paid, the net income, which is sometimes a net loss. If the food is reasonably priced, you should tip. Even if you pick it up. Especially if there's a kid handling your order.

2. Pizza Joints.

This is a place where people can do one of three things. Dine In, Carryout, or delivery. Most of us tip for Dine In or Delivery. Carry Out, most people don't. I do. The reason being is I usually stick to the same pizza joints. I have 2 down the street I use exclusively, one of which I know the owner. These people remember two things about their customers. Those who tip well, and those who don't. And pizza places are infamous for treating those who don't tip well poorly, such as delivering cold pizza, adding secret sauces that aren't on the menu, using ingredients that might of touched the floor or someone's butt crack (okay maybe not that far, but you never know). I tip well to make sure I get actual food that's semi-digestible and won't give us all some form of disease. They know I tip well. I get VIP service for it. If a guy has 3 deliveries to make, he will stop at my house first because he knows I'm going to tip more than you. He also knows I tip when he doesn't have to deliver it. I'm a favorite preferred customer over it. I can even hear them argue who is going to handle me in the background. One guy thinks he should be my guy, no matter who answers the phone.

3. Fast Food.

The issue with fast food is A, you are there for cheap food. It's not a high class place like your spa. B. Everyone handles your food. It's not a service from one specific person. The only time I tip a fast food person is when I am getting special treatment or extra service from one person. If my kids go play in the play area, and the area is actually clean, I will tip the person who cleaned it that day just because it's rare you find a clean play area. If my kids make a mess on the floor, I will often find the person who will be sweeping the floor and tip them before I leave. If my kids spill something, I will tip the person who cleans up that spill. If they do me any favors, I will tip, or I will come back and tip.

4. Sonic

This is a fast food, but it's not. They bring the food to the car if you don't go to the drive up window. Sometimes they do this on roller skates. Now I'm sorry, but if you bring me food on a tray in roller skates, you deserve a tip. But if I drive up to the window and you hand me food like Burger King, you probably won't get one. So I try to only park at Sonic when I have cash to tip the carhop. They don't leave room for a tip on debit card transactions, so you have to think about that one. It sucks.

5. Places with a tip cup that probably shouldn't have a tip cup.

I've seen the cocktail servers with tip jars. That's because they are walking around trying to track your beer orders, and they go to the bar for you, and bring you your beer. Totally understandable in that case, and they totally deserve a bigger tip than what you'd give the bartender unless you order a mixed drink, especially a frozen one that isn't already mixed. But you get places like some Subways, the snack stand at your swimming pool who already over charges for shitty food... These are where I tip a dollar or two, depending on how much I backed up the line. These are usually cases where you don't have to tip, and the people working there might get in trouble by their boss for having a tip cup when they get paid minimum wage or more. They just do it to invite tips in hopes to make some because why not? An extra dollar is an extra dollar.

6. Retail clerks. 

Sometimes you walk into JC Penney's and find your own clothes, try them on, and then go pay. No tip. But there are times when you have someone working for you to help you find the perfect dress or bra that fits the best. They usually answer a million questions, suggest things to try on, and sometimes actually help you try it on. I know. Weird thing some people don't know about, but if the retail associate doesn't see your boobs as you try on a bra, she isn't fitting you and your bra probably doesn't fit as well as if she did. Now me, if you sat there and looked at my saggy boobs for 20 minutes of your life running to grab the next cup size and such, you deserve a tip. More so than the bartender who only had to see my cleavage and dump a little vodka into a TINY little cup. BUT in most cases, they are NOT allowed to accept your tips, especially if they work on commission. It's still a common courtesy to ask them if you can tip and do so if permitted. Especially if you ran them all over the store to grab you stuff in a different size.

Basically when it comes to tipping, be considerate. Look at what people are doing for you, and when you see someone doing quite of bit for you, reward them. 


And remember, when you actually go cow tipping, you should not be sober or it's very weird and seems wrong.